I was aware of the soft, warm ground beneath my battered body long before I opened my eyes. It seemed to give way when I shifted my weight tenatively. The ambient air was as hot as the Macalania atmosphere had been cold. I opened my eyes slowly, my vision taking its time coming into focus. I lay on my back in the warm sand of what could only be the Sanubia Desert. And then it hit me...I was alive, and I was near Home!
I struggled to sit upright as a dull ache became
apparent at the back of my skull. My arms and legs had their share of
cuts and bruises, but for the most part, I had been extremely lucky to
still be in one piece. Truthfully, I was shocked to have regained
consciousness at all. Those last few moments in my memory, of being
sucked mercilessly toward the gaping mouth of the gigantic Sin, had me
convinced they would be my last. But if I was alive...there was a good
chance Auron was, as well. I was simultaneously filled with both joy
and dread. No part of me wanted Auron to die, but at the same time,
facing Auron again would mean explaining my actions at Macalania. We
were just beginning to settle into a more stable, normal friendship
with each other, and in my fear and desperation, I had broken the
rules. Would Auron forgive me? Surely, he must understand that people
on the verge of death fall prey to all sorts of irrational thoughts! Or
maybe he really was stoic enough to face
his own end possessed of the same calm with which he always addressed the world.
Would he expect the same of me? He'd always had high standards for the behavior of other guardians...not so high as those to which he held himself...but still, Auron was far from easy to please. I didn't regret kissing him, not in the least. The sheer hopelessness of the situation had afforded me the opportunity to do something I dare not do at any other time or place. But now that the moment had passed, I wondered in grim anticipation how Auron would react when next we met. Quit worrying about it, Rikku, it's out of your hands, I told myself. I was unable to take my own advice.
I decided to test my legs, and stood up. So far, so good. I took a couple steps with little trouble and continued walking in the same direction. After I was completely sure that mobility wouldn't be a problem, I paused to get my bearings. Sure, endless, blowing masses of sand might look indistinguishable to the untrained eye, but we Al Bhed were intimately familiar with the area around our Home. To the south, just beyond the large dune that obscured my vision, there was an oasis that I hoped at least some of the others had found. If they hadn't encountered the oasis, there was always the waystation the Al Bhed maintained for travelers a bit to the northwest. I had little doubt that at least some of the surviving members of the group would be able to find each other and set a meeting place. Which location would they choose, or even find? The group would likely need the supplies at the waystation, so I started out in the proper direction.
I was heartened to find the waystation occupied by some familiar figures upon my arrival. Wakka kicked the burned out husk of an old machina with the same disdain he'd always held for the devices. I shrugged. At least his attitude toward the people who used the machina had changed somewhat. Kimahri and Tidus were taking stock of the supplies in the chest outside the low, sturdy tent. I smiled as I took in Auron's scarlet-coated form keeping a kind of informal lookout for fiends. The others must have already found something to finish healing his broken bones, as he was supporting his own weight and no longer wore the splints. It was a wonder he still wore the outer garment in the sweltering heat of Bikanel Island. He must be baking alive in there. Lulu got up from where she sat and went over to join the two in surveying the supplies. With my arrival, everyone would be there, save Yuna. Where could she be?
I walked up to the group, waving. "Hey, guys. Glad to see you all made it. But where's Yunie?"
Tidus stood up, looked at me and scratched his head. "Gone, " he said simply.
Lulu echoed his words, looking down at her feet. "Gone...Some guardian I am."
I weighed my options...do I tell them or not? I elected to, because in the end, Yuna's saftey might depend on their knowing the truth, and there wasn't much way to keep it concealed from them, anyway.
"Umm...There's something I want to tell you, but you have to promise not to say anything." Wakka shot me a glance laced with annoyance and veiled intolerance. I couldn't bring myself to ignore it. "No glaring either!" I said in response.
Continuing, I explained, "I know where we are. This is Bikanel Island. There's a place us Al Bhed call home near here." I was unable to completely mask my pride. Home really was the magnum opus of the Al Bhed machina craft. "Yunie's there, I'm sure of it. Other Al Bhed must have come and rescued her."
Wakka's outburst was almost compulsory. "Rescued! You mean, kidnapped!"
Tidus laid a hand on Wakka's shoulder. "What does it matter as long as she's safe?"
Thankful for his intercession, I continued, "That's right. Anyway, I will take you there if you promise...That you won't tell anyone about it. Especially not Yevonites, ok?" I didn't need to look behind me to know it was Auron that chuckled. "You know they don't like us Al Bhed. Who knows what they'll do if they knew?"
"Gimme a break, what are you accusing Yevon of this time?" Wakka demanded.
"Yevon's done some bad things to us in the past," I pointed out.
As usual, Wakka's mouth reacted faster than his mind. "Well, you Al Bhed must've deserved it!" And, here I thought we had made some real progress after Macalania, Wakka...Perhaps there are just some ideas people will cling to until the bitter end, even in the face of reason.
The sound of heavy boots in the sand behind me announced that Auron was on the move. His long, purposeful strides brought him toward Wakka, stopping only when the two were literally toe to toe. Auron fixed the red haired blitzballer with a frigid stare. "You don't have to worry, Rikku. Wakka wouldn't think of saying anything that would endanger your people's Home. Come, lead the way..." Auron indicated the vast expanse of sand with his black gloved hand.
I silently thanked the swordsman for his unwavering support and wasted no time following his suggestion. As horrible as it was to have Yuna missing, her situation ensured that there was a more pressing matter for Auron to consider than reprimanding me for kissing him. I closed my eyes briefly and savored the memory of that kiss. I could have led the party Home blindfolded, so well did I know the way. I was careful not to appear to overtly distant, however, as we could still come under attack by fiends and stray machina.
The trip passed uneventfully, and we soon found ourselves cresting the last dune before the small valley in which the city was situated. I knew immediately something was terribly wrong. Thick, greasy plumes of smoke rose lazily from the ring of buildings that formed the core of our Home. Muffled screams could be heard in the distance as both combatants and innocents fell in battle. At once, fear and rage, and the burning desire for revenge flooded my gut. The pointed sting of loss lingered in the background, hovering, observing in silence. It was there, but its time of dominance would have to wait until the immediate situation resolved itself.
An incoherent scream issued from my mouth as I charged toward the city. The others followed, Auron merely a half step behind me. Were I not nearly blinded by the torrent of emotion that I constantly fought for control, I might have been amazed at the speed with which the guardian moved. When we cleared the city limits, I searched frantically for survivors among the fallen, hoping that my father would not be among the dead. I near the entrance to the main compound, I saw a face I recognized.
"Keyakku!" I bolted to his side and landed hard on the pavement. "Who? Who's attacking us?"
His replied but weakly, spending the last of his strength to answer my words. "Yevon...Guado..." I might have known! Keyakku's grip on my hand slackened as he died. Passing my free hand over his face, I closed his eyes and mouthed a silent goodbye. Auron had never been more than a pace away from me and reached down to offer me his hand. Weak-kneed, I gratefully accepted the help, and used his steady grip to regain my balance. After I felt ready to continue, I released Auron's hand, although his fingertips lingered in my palm a fraction of a second longer than necessary.
Lulu voiced the question I couldn't find the breath to ask. "A war? Between Yevon and the Al Bhed?"
Before any of us could answer, my father's voice provided a more accurate assessment of the events we were witnessing. "Dryd ec fnuhk! Guado ku vun dra Summoner!" I translated for my friends. ("Wrong! Guado go for the Summoner!")
"Father..." I was relieved to see him alive.
Father's gaze surveyed the group. "You Rikku's friends? Well don't just stand there, come on! Let's kick those Guado out of our Home."
We followed as he entered the main compound. Inside the maze of corridors was heavily guarded by the Guado forces. We were scarcely able to take a dozen steps without encountering the enemy. Each time we fought, I insisted on taking part in the battle, taking a kind of savage satisfaction every time my claw impacted against the form of a Guado soldier, often resulting in a rewarding crunch.
Throughout our desperate foray into the compound, Auron remained right by my side. He used both blade and body to shield me from attack and from the consequences of my own emotion-induced recklessness. If he didn't approve of my state of mind, he didn't allow it to show. In Yuna's absence, Auron fully devoted his attention and efforts in battle to my defense. For once, I was glad of his ability to read and anticipate the needs of his fellow guardians. If only he could find a way to lend me his strength of will and ever-prevalent coolness.
We stopped long enough for me to direct the group toward the Summoner's Sanctum, where we were most likely to find Yuna, if indeed she were still alive and in the building. My father encouraged us to make it underground as quickly as possible, annoucing his plans to level our city. Overcoming all resistance, we burst into the Summoner's Sanctum and searched frantically for Yuna. Other Summoners were present, and relieved to see us amid the flames and destruction surrounding them, but there was no sign of my cousin. Those accursed Guado must have made off with her!
Tidus, distraught over the fate of his beloved, was railing at anyone who would listen...about Al Bhed not trusting guardians to do their jobs, about our audacity in taking action to stop the pilgrimages. He just didn't get it! Something snapped inside of me and I shouted right back at him, not bothering to veil the truth, not caring what my fellow guardians might think of my involvement in the Al Bhed objective.
"The pilgrimages have to stop! If they don't, and they get to Zanarkand...They might defeat Sin. Yunie could...but then she...Yunie would die, you know?" I choked out the last part. I'd failed to keep her safe from her fate. My stubborn cousin would continue to march to her death, unconcerned for her own life. "Summoners journey to get the Final Aeon. Yuna told you, didn't she? With the Final Aeon, she can defeat sin...but then...If she calls it, the Final Aeon will kill her! Even if she defeats Sin, it will kill Yunie too, you know?" I collapsed.
Tidus began shouting again, taking me by the shoulders and shaking me. I didn't care. I only wished for a way out of here. Tidus had been kept in the dark, he was entitled to his grief. It was never an easy thing to be told the one you love most in the world was going to purposely forfeit her life for people she'd never met. Everyone would feel better...everyone except those close friends she left behind. I found the energy to keep pursuing the point I'd begun to make. Naturally, the Summoners defended their decisions to take up the pilgrimage. The conversation wound down, and Tidus vowed to find a way to spare Yuna from her fate.
We ran up the staircase leading out of the Sanctum, and onto the boarding platform for the airship. It was a desperate action, but perhaps our only route of escape. The great machina shuddered, and began to rise from the sand. It broke the surface and continued ascending into the sky. The party filed onto the bridge and watched Home recede rapidly into the distance. Father announced the final sequence of a countdown and gave Brother the order to fire off our missiles.
I watched in horror as the countless explosive-filled vehicles poured from their ports and streaked toward our burning Home. With a tremendous thud they impacted and exploded, reducing the city to little more than smoldering hunks of twisted metal. I couldn't bear to watch the scene as we sped away from the only home I'd ever known. In that moment, I lost all concern for Yuna, the pilgrimage, and the others. I became immersed in my grief and ran blindly from the bridge, seeking an unoccupied bedroom. Luckily, the first one I tried was empty, and I collapsed on the bed, not bothering to pull the covers over myself, and let my tears stream uncontrolled into the pillow.
The scene of Home's destruction played over and over again in my mind's eye, and my body convulsed every time I saw it explode. Would the Al Bhed ever recover? It had taken my father a lifetime to gather them back together after the last time they scattered...but surely it could be done again. It had to be. We couldn't let Yevon win! The acute pain I felt from the conquest and destruction of my city was augmented and mirrored by another profound sense of loss. Someone else's loss. Someone else's sorrow. From a long time ago. Auron's. Not a city, but his closest friends, the only security and source of happiness he'd ever known. The relationships and company his heart had cherished most. Something he would never recapture...and that's what Home was for me. The pieces of him that I possessed inside my being reacted to my own feelings, pouring their similar experiences into me, multiplying my suffering. I could only blame myself.
The door to the room opened behind me to admit someone. I wanted to shout to the person to go away, to leave me alone with my grief. I didn't. Without looking, I knew who it was. The owner of the purloined feelings. Auron.
The guardian's footsteps were soundless for once, although the sound of rustling cloth and creaking leather defined his approach. I didn't look at him. He reached the bedside, setting several things on the ground, and then gently laid his scarlet robe over my body. The mattress shifted as he sat down on the edge of the bed, coming into my field of vision for the first time. Auron's entire upper body was bare, he'd removed his shirt, collar, and glasses, his well-defined chest and abdomen rising and falling with the steady rhythm of his breaths. At least one of us was able to maintain our composure.
Auron's hands threaded into my hair and his voice was a gentle whisper. "I know what you're going through..." Almost as though he sought permission to go any further. I was painfully aware of the source of his reference.
I turned on my side to face him completely, looking up at him through tear-blurred vision. "Auron...was it this bad...after Braska and Jecht...?" His posture stiffened a bit at the mention of the two names, but he caught himself quickly and relaxed.
"I...well, I think you know the answer to that." Auron pulled back the comforter from the bed, struggling slightly to free it from beneath me. He slid into the bed and pulled the thick quilt up over both of us, leaving only our faces exposed. After finding a comfortable position, he slipped his arms underneath the robe and grasped me by the shoulders. His strong hands rotated me so that my back faced him and began to massage the tension from the bunched muscles of my upper back and neck.
My tears stopped momentarily as I focused on the comfort and release his attentions provided. "I'm so glad you're here...There wasn't anyone to do this for you, was there? You're so strong, Auron, I don't know what I would have done...alone." Auron's hands stopped dead in their tracks. He removed his hands from his shoulders and wrapped them about my waist, pulling me to him with more force than was necessary.
He settled his chin on my shoulder, inadvertently smearing a tear on my now dry cheek. I was grateful that I wasn't able to see his face. "I'm not nearly so strong as you think. I am...ashamed at how I reacted. My actions didn't do them justice. I was...unworthy of them."
His arms were trembling and tears flowed more freely down his cheek. I wanted to turn and face him, but I was afraid to. "Auron...that's not you...I know you, you could never be unworthy of anyone. What could you have possibly done to think that?" For his sake, I tried to pour as much confidence into my voice as I could muster through my own grief.
"Rikku...look at me..."
There was no avoiding it now. His embrace loosened a bit and I obliged him. Auron's arms tensed around my back, almost clutching me as if he sought to use me as an anchor against his memories. The look in his eye was not that of an old, wise, seasoned guardian, but that of a man ten years younger...the man who had just seen Braska and Jecht sacrifice themselves, needlessly, he believed. His face looked as mine must have, the moment I realized that my Home was truly gone.
"I didn't know what to do with myself. My will to live evaporated and scattered with the pyreflies of their spirits." Auron's tears suddenly stopped, and anger displaced regret as the prevalent emotion in his features. "Like a fool, I went back to Zanarkand and confronted Yunalesca. I blamed her for the fallacies in my logic and the fates of my friends. It was the last time I allowed my emotions to rule me. I attacked her in my rage...and the blow she dealt me...eventually killed me." His hands clenched into fists behind me.
I stared at him, dumbfounded, my plight all but forgotten. "Auron, you're...unsent?"
"Yes." He nodded, face devoid of emotion once more. "Rikku, promise me...that you won't make the same mistake. No matter what happens, no matter how empty you feel, don't give in. Life is...too precious to waste. I found that out too late." Once again, he was the strong one. Suddenly, I understood his purpose in all this. Auron wasn't trying to lecture me, he wasn't the self-absorbed, self pitying wreck I'd taken him for (at least one of us wasn't)...he had recalled his own sorrow, his own pain and moment of greatest weakness, he'd given away another of his precious secrets...to draw me out of my own sorrow. And it had worked, brilliantly. Was there no limit to what this man would do in order to protect others?
I smiled. "You needn't worry, Auron. It will never happen to me." Expressed differently, it might have sounded arrogant, but my voice was filled with nothing but admiration and gratitude. "I have you..."
To my surprise, Auron bent closer and
began to kiss me. His mouth traced a path from the top of my shirt, up
my neck and chin, finally ending at my lips. His stubble scratched me
but lightly, emphasizing the care he took in his motions. Auron kissed
my lips briefly, and his tongue playfully pried my mouth open, entering
gingerly at first. I closed my eyes, savoring the sensations that the
contact aroused in my body. My nerves flared to life, giving me the
impression that I was no longer laying in bed, but floating among the
clouds. I felt his tongue entwine around mine, teasing it, daring me to
catch him. I succeeded, and the game reversed itself...continuing
through several rounds. When it ended, he pressed my head to his bare
chest and rocked me to sleep. I could have sworn that at the height of
his kiss, I saw the door open just a fraction of an inch...but maybe it
was just my imagination. Yes, my imagination. I fell asleep in his
strong arms, leaving behind my grief and
reveling in the safety I
found in Auron's embrace. What had changed his mind, sending him down
the slippery slope he'd tried so hard to avoid?