By Elfir
Author's Note: I hope you get a kick out of this spoof, writing it was a nice diversion from midterms. :)
Mary looked around the odd little office, realizing she wasn't quite sure where she was or how she'd gotten there. The desk in front of her was cluttered with strange things around the edges, including several candy wrappers, but fairly usable at the center. There were bookshelves and cabinets and unmatched but comfortable chairs, all in dusty, muted colors. And in the corner -
"Oh dear, that bird's caught fire."
"Fawks's nature, my dear," said someone at the office door. "He's quite alright."
Mary turned to see an elderly, white-beared wizard. "If you say so, Professor Dumbledore."
"I do," he replied with a twinkle in his eyes. He circled the desk and sat down in the chair behind it. "You have a most unusual situation, Ms Sue," he said. "Hogwarts has never had a student transfer into the fourth year, nor have we ever had a student from the United States."
Where have I heard that before? Mary wondered, but aloud explained, "In Kansas I'd be started high school right now. Instead I got a letter from Burning Stake Institute of Magic. They let me transfer here." She smiled and added, "If it makes you feel any better, call me a 'bloody colonial.'"
"It's a good thing you're innately good at all forms of magic or you would have a very difficult time keeping up," Dumbledore chuckled. "There's just one thing you must do before joining your classmates," he continued, reaching for something in a desk drawer. Mary tried not to be overly obvious, looking to see what was inside, but he retrieved an old hat and closed the drawer before she could see in. "Please put this on."
Mary stared at it apprehensively; worried it might start moving around and stage whispering her innermost thoughts, like in the movie.
What movie?
She reluctantly took the hat and placed it on her head. "Hmm..." said a voice by her ear, "Very interesting. I haven't seen a witch like you in many years. Quite unusual."
Mary frowned. Hats weren't supposed to be cryptic. At least, she'd never met a cryptic hat in the States. Must be a British thing.
"I think you'd best go to Gryff -"
Why? Mary asked.
"Bravery and looking good in red are very important to Gryffindors and you -"
I back down from fights with my seven-year-old cousin and red emphasizes my acne! she protested.
The hat seemed to sigh. "Fine, I'll admit it. There are only two other students in the same year as you and they're both in Gryffindor. Like it or not, you're a GRYFFINDOR!"
"Fair enough," Mary muttered, her ears ringing, as she took off the hat.
Dumbledore smiled gleefully as he took back the hat. "An excellent choice, Ms Sue. Now let's go to breakfast so you can meet your classmates before class starts. I believe the house elves made blueberry pancakes this morning."
He led her out of the office through a shortcut to the Great Hall, walking past a series of asterisks.
"You'll love it here at Hogwarts!" Colin said, sitting across from her. "As you're talented and stunningly good looking, I'm sure everyone will love you too!"
Mary laughed politely at the not very funny joke. At least, she thought it was a joke. No one would really call her 'stunningly attractive' with glasses so thick they left red marks on the bridge of her nose and an acne-spotted face.
"So what's it like in Kentucky?" Ginny, next to her, asked. "My dad wants to know if you've ever been abducted by aliens."
"Erm, no," Mary answered. "And it's Kansas, not Kentucky."
"I'll bet Harry's been abducted by aliens," Colin said dreamily. Apparently both Ginny and Colin had huge crushes on someone named Harry. As they discussed their dream-man, Mary took the opportunity to look around at the other tables.
At the far end of the room, a boy dwarfed by the burley boys next to him glared at her for no apparent reason. At the staff table, a somewhat familiar looking man stared at her intently. Mary quickly looked away but wished she could study his face until she remembered where she'd seen him before. Some movie...
"Who's that teacher up there?" she asked in a break in the conversation after discussing Harry's hair but before talking about the merits of his perfectly formed ears.
Ginny frowned at the interruption but answered, "That's Professor Snape. He's evil and doesn't like Harry."
Not a name she remembered. She continued looking around the room. Not far down the Gryffindor table, three fifth-form students talked quietly together, looking very serious. One, the girl, had bushy brown hair and next to her was a red-haired boy. The third -
Mary's jaw dropped. That was Harry Potter! Suddenly the pieces fell into place. "I'm a Mary-Sue!" she realized, falling out of her chair.
"Are you okay, Mary?" Colin asked, leaning over the table to look at her.
She felt slightly ill, disgusted with herself and her role. She was a poorly made fanfiction character! Mary fled the Great Hall in tears. Half an hour later they found her and brought her to the hospital wing to treat the injuries caused by her trying to "wake up."
"You'll be fine in a few minutes," Madam Pomfrey said as Mary swallowed an unpleasant potion that tasted like cherry cough syrup. "But a psychological evaluation with Professor Trelawney may be in order if I see you for self-inflicted injuries ever again."
Mary shuddered at the thought. Even more frightening was the prospect of being trapped at Hogwarts as an underdeveloped main character. She wished she could go home and read the next three books instead of living them.
Days passed, then weeks and months, and Mary remained at Hogwarts, attending three-person classes and feeling quite underdeveloped despite her best efforts. By exam time, Mary had finally broken the habit of calling Professor Snape "Colonel Brandon" all the time and Ron Weasley remained bewildered at the "Thunderpants" jokes. It wasn't a happily ever after, but she managed to live reasonably well ever after.