Chapter 20

The moment I entered my tent, I knew I shouldn't be alone. Not now, not after all that had happened. I was exhausted, but didn't want to sleep. I craved company, anyone's company, although I knew the person I most wanted to be with would be far from overjoyed to see me. It's probably for the best, I reflected. How much of what had happened back in Bevelle stemmed from my inability to keep my mind off Auron and on Yunie. It had been so simple before Auron. Safeguard Yuna, keep her out of danger, and when the moment comes, convince her to quit the pilgrimage. Only it hadn't yet worked out that way. Maybe now was the time to try. I wasn't sure if I'd get another chance.

I turned around, let my tent, and dragged my waterlogged body toward the shelter where I hoped to encounter my cousin. Being wet didn't much bother me, I usually didn't change until long after I was out of the water. Usually whatever machina or other ancient treasures we recovered on our salvage missions were the sole recipients of my attention for some hours after surfacing. At least I still had my own clothing on underneath, and I peeled off the drenched robe, tossing it into the forest. My own, more minimal outfit was wet, though nowhere near as heavy as the robe had been. I felt more myself again, but far from composed.

I peeked into Yunie's tent, only half surprised to find it empty. Where could she be? I was sure none of the others had allowed her leave the camp unescorted, but I still felt guilty at not knowing the location of my charge. When I turned back to face the center of the camp, Lulu was busy arranging kindling and sticks for a fire. Would that be wise? Would the Yevonites know to look for us here?

I walked over to where Lulu knelt, and began helping her pile on more of the wood she had gathered. "Have you seen Yunie?"

Lulu didn't look up from the flint she tried to strike against a piece of steel. "She went off toward the other lake down the path."

"Didn't anyone go with her?" I asked, alarmed.

"Tidus followed her. I think they want to be…alone for a while." Tidus' presence would probably be enough to keep her safe from any of the forest's more dangerous denizens. We were a good bit more experienced than we had been the first time we traveled these woods…we knew our way around and what we could expect to find. I wondered what the two of them were doing together. Probably unwinding and sharing one of the few private moments they could steal for themselves. I was instantly jealous of them. I wanted to be doing the same, with Auron. I couldn't begrudge my cousin and the blitzballer their time together…they'd certainly earned it.

Lulu had succeeded in producing a spark and was working on fanning it into a flame. She looked as though she wouldn't need any further help in getting the fire going, and having nothing else to say, I got up and wandered around a bit more.

The weather really was too nice to just go back inside and sulk, like Auron was doing. Fingers of sunlight shone through the mix of crystalline branches and leafy canopy above our campsite. Muted reflections played off both the water and the pellucid facets of the ground cover. The invasion of more conventional plantlife served to soften the overall effect, lulling me into believing I roamed somekind of dreamscape. I found myself appreciating the romantic appeal of being alone with the person you loved in such a place. I sighed.

A patch of flowers by the lakeside caught my attention. Myriad colors were represented among the blossoms and I knelt down to take a closer look. It seemed silly, but just looking at them brightened my mood a bit. I reached toward the plants hesitantly, and broke off some of the stems as close to the ground as I could manage. Gathering the long stems in my hands, I brought the bouquet to my nose and inhaled deeply. How long had it been since I'd enjoyed something so trivial? The pilgrimage seemed to pull everyone back from the details of life, forcing a perspective that few people saw the world through. It was definately good to escape from it every once in a while, so long as I didn't lose track of my goals and my duty.

Did that thought really just pass through my mind? I stood up, and in my bewilderment, blinked rapidly...The Rikku I had been mere weeks ago wouldn't have thought such a thing. It must be an artifact of too much time spent around Auron. His habits were beginning to rub off on me. Despite the decided lack of a breeze, a small shiver traveled through my body. I...I had no desire to transform into the kind of being Auron was. He...I...sure, I loved him, more than that, we shared something deep and meaningful...but the pilgrimage(s) had taken a terrible toll on the man. Would this be what I would be like at journey's end? No mention was ever made of guardians who survived the pilgrimage...there was no record of how the arduous ordeal had changed them. For all I knew what we would face in Zanarkand could easily do the same to me.

Don't worry about that, Rikku...Live for the moment. I made a valiant effort to do what had been second nature before beginning the journey. I smelled the flowers again and resolved to forget my obligations for another day, unless something came up. The atmosphere was just too perfect, the day too short to be whittled away by worries and apprehension. Who knew if or when we would have another opportunity like this. The only thing missing element was Auron. It wouldn't hurt to try to share this with him...would it? The worst he could do is refuse to come out of that damnable tent he'd holed himself up in.

I walked quickly over to the tent he'd disappeared into as soon as it was erected. Without bothering to announce myself, I pulled back the flap and entered. Auron's waterlogged figure was seated with his back to me, still wearing the same wet clothing he'd had on last time I saw him. Surely the guardian knew better than that. Knowing Auron, the man was probably brooding about something...He didn't acknowledge my presence.

"Auron, what are you doing?" I asked.

He remained perfectly still, not bothering to turn and look at me. "I'm...thinking..."

In my mind, I debated whether or not to approach him any further. He certainly wasn't showing much interest in me at the moment. Perhaps, if he knew what he was missing..."Auron, it's too pretty outside to sit in here all day long. Let's go outside and take advantage of the weather..."

Again, the response was minimal and emotionless. "I'm fine right here."

The guardian was determined to stay here...why? Well, the least he could do was...

"Fine. If you're going to sit there like a lump all day, then the least you can do is get out of that wet clothing." More annoyance showed than I had intended. I didn't wait for him to answer. It would be harder for him to refuse if I was already in the process of undressing him.

I took the two steps to close the rest of the distance between us, squatted, and reached my arms around his waist to unbuckle his belt. I finished the task more quickly than I'd anticipated, and I removed the belt as carefully as I could. Auron's robe fell open and I pulled off the entire left side, got up, rounded him, and began to work on freeing the more secure right side. He didn't resist as I lifted his limp right hand and stripped it of the leather glove. It required the utmost care to undo the buckles that held his sleeve in place without damaging the leather straps. Tugging on the sleeve, I pulled the robe completely off of Auron's still motionless body. I slung the wet garment over my shoulder, to spread out on one of the frames I had seen Lulu constructing near the fire.

Without asking, I slipped my hands over his muscular shoulders and unfastened the high collar, bringing it over his head in one smooth motion. Normally, there would have been somekind of reaction from the guardian, but he remained pensive, almost to the point of catatonia. I left his glasses in place, for fear that removing them would trigger a angry reaction. Besides, they weren't wet, or in the way. Auron's leather shirt was as saturated as his outer robe had been, and made a decidedly ungraceful slurping sound as I pulled it away from his chisled chest and over his head.

Wordlessly, I left the tent to arrange the clothing on one of the racks next to the fire. When I returned, Auron was exactly as I'd left him. Odd. What could be bothering him this much? I couldn't hold back any longer. I had to know.

"Auron?"

"You're back?" He treated me as though I were a total stranger.

Although I knew I probably shouldn't, I approached him again, sat down behind him, and wrapped my arms around his neck. I slid my chin over his shoulder and spoke softly into his ear. "Auron...what's wrong?"

For the first time since exiting the water, Auron's deep voice included a hint of emotion. Shock? Surprise? It was hard to tell. "Rikku...I...never thought you capable of killing a woman in cold blood..."

I withdrew my arms from their position around his neck, stood up, and went over to where he'd lain his own pack. Distractedly, I rummaged around in it, hoping to buy myself some time, to find some answer to his accusation. The only object of note my desperate hands found was a small comb, which I clutched tightly as I returned to where Auron sat. "Do we have to talk about this now?"

"This is a discussion we need to have, Rikku," he explained.

I reached one hand up to the tie that held Auron's ponytail in place, gently sliding it out of his wet hair. A tangled mass of dripping raven hair fell freely over his bare shoulders and back. He shuddered slightly as the cool strands came to rest against the surface of his skin.

"I didn't kill her in cold blood, Auron. The only thing I could think of was what she was doing to you. It wasn't what you wanted, Auron, but I knew you wouldn't break your word to her. She was preventing you from keeping the more important promises you made, the older ones to Jecht and Braska. No person, man or woman, has the right to wield that kind of power over you." My voice came out in a strained, hoarse whisper. In my mind, I relived the horror of those moments in slow motion. It was only a partial truth, but surely Auron would understand the unspoken portion.

I drew the comb through his hair, slowly at first, tugging gently when I encountered one of the countless knots. Auron tilted his head back slightly to facilitate the process. At least he was beginning to thaw a bit. "That feels good...don't stop." Why wasn't he responding to anything I'd just said? Did he sense there was more?

I did as he requested, both verbally and implicitly. "Auron...I felt so helpless, so useless to you and to Yuna. After losing Yunie, I didn't know if I could go on. But you...not only did you continue on, but you never complained, you never wavered, even though you gave far more than the rest of us...

"For as long as I've known you...time after time, you sacrificed yourself to prevent someone else from being injured physically or emotionally, no matter what it cost you. I admired that, Auron, I desperately wanted to learn how you did it. It's...well, to me anyway, it's the mark of a dedicated guardian.

"I know what I did to Legasa wasn't right, or noble. But...what else could I do? I lost Yuna, and I was going to lose you...my only chance of rescuing her. I've fought and killed lots of fiends, but killing a living, breathing person...it was different. It felt horrible. I never want to go through that again...I knew you would be angry with me, but it was the only way out. I remembered what you told me that morning...that you'd love me always, no matter what happened...I grasped onto that, held it in my mind and my soul with a death grip...and I struck her."

I took a deep breath and willed the tears welling in my eyes not to fall. Unconsciously, I increased the force with which I pulled the comb through Auron's hair to the point where he gasped in pain as it caught on a snarl. One of his hands gently reached behind his head and gently dislodged the comb and my own hand from his hair. His rough, calloused fingers encircled my wrist and brought it to his lips. The single russet eye closed as he kissed the back of my hand.

Threading my free arm underneath his, I wrapped it around his bare chest and leaned forward to lay my head on his shoulder. He lowered my wrist and released it, turning his head toward mine. A stubbled cheek scratched against the soft skin of my face as he nuzzled me. Even though his voice was only a soft whisper, I was able to pick up the vibrations in his chest. "I apologize for the things I said to you in the Palace...I...overreacted." It must not have been an easy admission to make. Auron was used to being in complete control of himself at all times. Try as I might, I couldn't find anything to say to him in response, so I answered him by kissing his cheek.

Auron shifted his weight to allow him to move his legs from underneath him, stretched them out, and spread them. He took the comb from my hand. "Sit in front of me?" he asked.

Regretfully, I withdrew my arm from its place on his chest, instantly missing the warmth of his smooth skin. I moved as quickly as I could and settled myself against him, leaning back against his substantial frame. His arms enclosed me, and once again I was enveloped in the warmth and safety of his body. It was a place I yearned never to leave. After some minutes, he released his embrace.

I felt him pull out the band that held my own hair up and off my shoulders. He gathered most of it in one hand, and began drawing the comb through it with the other. Various abdominal muscles flexed beneath me as he leaned back and reached for something. I couldn't see what it was he had in his hand, but he must have set it down closer to him because both of his hands were in my hair again. A few more strokes of the comb, and he set that down as well. He divided my hair into three parts and began to braid it, stopping occasionally to reach over to his right side and weave something into the pattern.

"Auron, what are doing?"

"Don't squirm. You brought those flowers with you and I was curious to see how they would look braided into your hair, " he said, shrugging.

I smiled and cooperated with him. A few seconds later, he had finished and was tying the band around the bottom of the braid. His hands fell to my shoulders and pulled me flush against him. "Do you still want to go outside? Take a walk in the forest, maybe?"

"In a few minutes..." I replied.

I leaned forward out of his grasp momentarily, turned to face him, and sat on my knees. A bewildered look crossed his face for a fraction of a second, until he realized what I was doing. As soon as I was settled, he wrapped his arms about my waist and gentle smile spread over his features, making the frown lines appear less severe. I reached one hand toward his glasses, touching them only tenatively at first, asking for permission to remove them. Auron nodded, almost imperceptibly, I slid the dark sunglassess off and folded them, setting them on the ground beside us.

I placed both of my hands on the back of his head, pulled it gently to me, and kissed him deeply. I wasn't quite sure how long it lasted, but afterward, we were both gasping for breath. "Auron?"

"Yeah?"

"I know I've said it before...I love you. But it's more than that. I...I...don't know quite how to say it," a nervous laugh escaped me. "It's funny, I knew exactly how to describe it when I was in danger of losing it...But you're...everything to me, Auron."

He closed his eye and kissed my forehead. "I know exactly what you mean...and how you feel. It's been a long time since I've gotten this close to anyone...But I'm glad I did. There was something missing for too many years." The last thing I ever expected to hear from Auron...

His grip on me tightened, though it was not painful, and he stood, bringing me with him. One arm remained around my waist as we strode out of the tent, side by side. No one else was in the camp, at least not that we could see. We walked off into the woods, searching for a place where we could enjoy the rest of our day alone together.