Chapter 21
A strange sensation tugged at the very edges of my awareness that afternoon. Spending time with Rikku dredged up something I thought for sure I'd never feel again. I should have been surprised. But this pilgrimage seemed to be full of such occurrences. Everytime I began to feel myself settle into the routine of a guardian accompanying his summoner on her life's final journey, I was reminded that there could be no routine. Not much catches me unawares these days, but my first taste of happiness amid a decade of pained reflection and cold comfort certainly did.
For once, the weight of the pilgrimage receded into the background without the accompaying guilt I'd expected to wash over me. A few hours' vacation seemed appropriate after the events of the recent days. Guardians and summoner alike were ragged with the wear of so many close calls in so brief a time. My thoughts and attention focused completely on the harbinger of my newfound contentment, except for a single, brief slip. I couldn't avoid wondering what Tidus and Yuna were doing with their time. I felt an amused smile spread across my face, one of the few I can recall in this second pilgrimage, at the realization that the summoner and blitzballer must be basking in the same kind of quiet, pleasant togtherness I shared with Rikku.
I swear, to an observer I must have seemed indistinguishable from a teenager in the clutches of his first love. If Rikku noticed, she didn't mock me for it. Indeed, she was that very teenager. For the first time since meeting the Al Bhed and discovering my feelings for her, I released myself without reserve to the pleasant rawness of emotion that was the hallmark of new love. In the presence of anyone else, I would have been utterly unable to experience anything other than my habitual jaded detachment and ceaseless dedication to duty. She must have known me more deeply than I'd imagined, for her actions were the perfect complement to everything I thought or felt.
We exchanged precious few words during our walk in the woods and I found myself beginning to regret that every step we took must bring us undeniably closer to the end of our quiet, fleeting elysium. There might not ever be another escape like this, I reflected, best to enjoy it without the too much conscious thought. No concern showed on Rikku's features, and like myself, she seemed oblivious to her surroundings - the delicate, dangerous beauty of the forest to focus her attention on her companion.
A reassuring warmth emanated from her actions, her visage, and her body. Though not ordinarily given to sentimentality, I found myself indulging unconsciously. This past decade, the long, torturous run of years, had seen my being pledged to the service of my former companions...fulfilling promises made as they saw and breathed their last. My continued existence was but a means to an end, the ends, I knew, of my comrades. Somewhere along the way, the possibility of my being anything other than a means had been extinguished from my awareness. Until now, until Rikku. Her tireless attempts to break through my facade, to reach what she must have believed was genuinely me, had paid off.
I fought it at first, struggling against the reunion with the parts of myself I'd long ago divorced from the man I currently represented. Rikku's efforts and attention were the catalysts that allowed me to finally see that my failure as a guardian all those years ago didn't necessarily mean that I didn't ever deserve anything for myself again. Her relentless pursuit of me, her shocking openness with her own feelings had shamed and concerned me at the outset, although I grew to understand her intentions. In observing her, I was able to see exactly what I had denied myself, and I craved the ability to reclaim what I'd lost. Rikku demonstrated that I was worthy of being the object of another person's interest and activities, rather than just a mere tool. It was a simple fact I'd ignored for too long, and one I reveled in rediscovering. The hollow, distant respect accorded me by strangers was but a shadow compared to the personal, intimate acceptance I received from Rikku.
I mourned the end of our walk as the sun began to dip below the horizon. It wasn't prudent to be out in the woods, just the two of us, after dusk. Neither of us was in a state of preparedness for combat and our continued presence in the depths of the forest only tempted fate. Each step that brought us closer to camp saw the love-struck teenager in me recede just a bit in favor of the staunchly rational elder guardian. Carefully, I wrapped the love-struck teenage aspect of myself in a cocoon of memories I would cherish until the end of my existence and tucked him away in a safe corner of my head until I could afford to let him dominate my awareness again. I fervently hoped that another such opportunity would present itself. I permitted myself one last wistful sigh before completely resuming the role the others were most accustomed to seeing. Rikku's face displayed disappointment for a fraction of a second before she, too, understood that what we'd shared must be set aside for more practical concerns.
The glow of the camp's central fire was visible through the last layer of crystalline and verdant brush, and behind me, Rikku's footsteps ceased abruptly. She tugged on the hand she'd held most of the way back, compelling me to choose between dragging her foward and stopping as well. Ultimately, I opted to stop, rotating to face her. A wry smile dominated her countenance as she continued to pull me toward her. She was clearly planning something, so I offered no resistance as she carried out her wishes. Reaching up, she gently grasped my head in her petite hands and drew it to her own. I knelt in the soft ground at my feet in order to better accomodate her. She regarded me for a moment, tilting her head a bit to the right before leaning forward to kiss my forehead. Her soft lips continued to graze the surface of my face, traveling along the path of the scar that dominated its right half. When her mouth reached the end of the decade-old wound, her hands gently adjusted the position of my head so that her lips met mine. She deepened the kiss as far as she dared and pulled back at the sound of footsteps orginating in the direction of camp. I loathed breaking contact with her, but I had to in order to rise and face our visitor.
Yuna's footsteps halted immediately when I looked at her. The shadows of the forest must have obscured my form just enough to keep her from guessing my exact identity until I stood and faced her. Despite our quick reflexes and hurried movements, the summoner must have seen us kissing. Her shock was apparent on her face. Would she have been any less startled had I been Wakka? She shook her head slightly, and her eyes narrowed a bit.
"Sir Auron!" Her tone didn't betray any hint of anger or disapproval, although she was most definately curious as to how I would explain what she was trying desperately not to believe.
"Yuna," I said simply. I watched, taking care not to let my own amusement show on my face as she visibly struggled over whether or not to question us about what she had seen.
The summoner's cheeks took on a crimson hue. "I...I have been looking for you. No one knew where to find you. I hope I didn't interrupt...your...um...anything!" The statement began only slightly tinged with embarrassment and rose in a crescendo of confusion until she blurted out the last word.
I didn't have to glance behind me to know that Rikku was smirking sheepishly as well. Suppressing the urge to chuckle at the insecurity Yuna must be feeling, I tried to remain casual and only shrugged my shoulders. "It was only a matter of time before everyone found out. Secrets are hard to keep in such close quarters."
Yuna nodded rapidly in both relief and understanding. "Forgive me for intruding, but I was wondering if I might speak with you alone, Sir Auron." She'd seemed to accept my involvement with Rikku at first, had she changed her mind now?
"Of course, " I answered. Glancing over my shoulder at the Al Bhed, I offered the gentlest dismissal possible, "Rikku, I'll come by when I'm done speaking with Yuna." Thankfully, Rikku understood that the conversation was not meant to include her, and nodded before departing in the direction of camp.
When the Al Bhed was out of earshot, I asked, "Did you have a particular place in mind?"
Yuna gestured toward the camp. "I think my tent is probably the most privacy we can safely hope for." Whatever she wished to discuss, it was obviously of the utmost importance to her. Her face was drawn in concern and she looked a bit older than her seventeen years. Every feature of her face betrayed her uneasiness. What could be the source of her worry?
Without further comment or question, we walked into the camp and toward the tent she had claimed. I held the flap open, gesturing for her to enter first. After she was inside, I followed. Yuna's hands fidgeted with her skirt and she paced nervously before I suggested that she take a seat. After she had done so, I positioned myself on the ground, facing her. The summoner made a commendable effort to control her hands, although her eyes darted around the tent, gazing anywhere but at me.
When no beginning to the conversation was forthcoming, I attempted to provide an opening. "What is on your mind?"
Yuna glanced downward and slowly lifted her eyes to meet mine. She drew a deep breath, exhaled slowly, and bit her bottom lip. "There is...something...I would like to ask your advice about."
I prevented myself from showing any signs of relief, doing so would have been completely inappropriate. Still, I did feel a bit better knowing that she wasn't going to discuss Rikku with me. I endeavored to appear supportive and understanding although it was becoming more and more obvious that I was one of the sources of her apprehension. Yuna must have believed that what she was going to ask was something she knew I wouldn't approve of. Reaching forward, I took one of her hands, clasped it in both of mine and smiled reassuringly. "What is it you'd like to ask?"
It had been a while since Yuna had sought advice from me. The progression of the pilgrimage had seen a profound change in the teenager, from a wide-eyed girl just discovering the rest of the world, to a determined woman who found a bit more of herself with every passing day. She was coming into Braska's solid resolve, she possessed his patience and gentle, easygoing nature, yet she was still her own person. It was highly unusual for her to be so disconcerted. In front of me sat the deferential young summoner I'd first encountered in Luca, instead of the stubborn, independent and strong-willed woman that had emerged in her place. Somewhere within me, it was gratifying to know she felt she could still rely on my experience to guide her when circumstances became difficult.
She took another deep breath and her hand began to tremble. "Sir Auron, you were very close to my father...one of his most trusted friends and guardians. If he were here, would he be disappointed in me if I considered quitting the pilgrimage?"
Just as quickly as my confidence had swelled, it deflated. Yuna hadn't asked me here for my perspective or knowledge, she had hoped to take advantage of my relationship with her father to gain insight into his opinion. It stung...but still, could I really blame her? She'd been deprived of her father at an age where most children could not appreciate the finality of death, and she had never really known her mother. I was...the closest she could get to Braska...
Even ten years after Braska's sacrifice, the wounds left by his departure were still fresh and ragged in my mind and soul, fated never to heal. What would you say, Yuna, if you knew I could have saved him...could have prevented his needless death? Would you ever forgive me for making so grave a mistake? Digging deep within myself, I mustered every last ounce of self-control I could dredge up. It was my duty to be strong for her, now, not withdraw into my own sorrow.
I considered my words carefully. I must not nudge her toward either course, it's presumptuous to think that I deserved a role in such a choice. A decade ago, I'd tried to interfere in a summoner's, in Braska's, decision in how to expend his life. It was a mistake that haunted me still, both for failing to change his mind, and for daring to second-guess my Lord's decision. "Braska would have wanted you to choose your own path in life. Whether or not it included completing the pilgrimage, he would have supported you in anything you chose to do. He would also have wanted you to understand his motives for making the decision he made, his reasons for choosing to face Sin..."
A bemused expression formed on her face. She absorbed my words, weighing them against her own memories and impressions of her father, against the legends and tales of him, against the bits and pieces of information she had gotten from me in the past. Seeing that look on her face...I wanted nothing more than to exchange fates with Braska so that it could have been him here counseling his own daughter instead of me...She deserved better. Wishing wouldn't bring Braska back, as much as both of us desired it. At least when Braska made the decision to confront and defeat Sin, he had been older, more wordly than his daughter. To have such a determination forced on her at so young an age...just another of the tragic truths of Spira's convoluted existence.
"What do you think I should do, Sir Auron?" The question I dreaded most. Yuna...don't do this to me, please!
"It's not my place to say. I cannot, in good conscience, push you to continue a pilgrimage you do not desire to complete. I..." No, I shouldn't say that.
"You don't want to say it, but I can tell. You want me to defeat Sin. It's...very important to you. You'd do it yourself if you could, wouldn't you?" Was I really that easy to read...first Rikku and now Yuna?
I didn't answer her. What could I say without confirming her suspicions? I inhaled slowly, desperately searching for something appropriately vague to say. As much as she deserved a straight answer, I could not bring myself to give it. "You will understand if you go to Zanarkand..."
She withdrew her hand from my grasp, and sat motionless. Her gaze was as hollow as her voice. "What will I find there?"
I shook my head. "That I cannot tell you. You must see for yourself. It is the only way." The words were far colder than I'd intended, bitterness creeping into my voice. There had been no worldly, experienced guide on my first pilgrimage. We learned the hard way, Jecht, Braska and I...why should it be any different for Braska's daughter? No...that's not the reason. The truth was simply too much to try to convey in words, she would never believe me. She must see it with her own eyes, as Braska did, as I did, in order to comprehend the magnitude of the ghastly truths that dwelt in Zanarkand's ruins...truths essential to understanding the world Zanarkand had ceased to be a part of a millenium ago.
Yuna was torn. My words had hurt her, caused her to doubt herself even more. She saw the effect the mention of the city had on me. She knew that the pilgrimage truly started in Zanarkand, instead of ending there. True, it was the last stop on the physical journey of a summoner and her guardians, but it was only the launch site for the battle of mind, will, and soul that a summoner would undergo in order to obtain the Final Aeon from Yunalesca.
"Why do you withhold knowledge? What you know could help me decide...was it my father's wish?" She was flailing verbally, searching for anything to explain my constant reticence, both now and throughout her pilgrimage.
It was not an easy question to answer. "The things I learned in Zanarkand, the first time...I would not have believed them if you had told me. There are some things you can only learn to accept when you witness them firsthand." My right hand absently covered the right side of my face in shame...even when faced with the truth, I couldn't accept it the first time through. I hoped that Yuna would be strong, as her father had been, ready to accept what Yunalesca would tell her. There was nothing I could do to prepare her, and knowing it was out of my hands scared me more than anything had in a long time.
Yuna pulled my hand away from my face, and for the first time since we started talking, held my gaze. She nodded resolutely. "It is settled. I will go to Zanarkand, as you say, see for myself. And then, once I know, I will make my decision about the Final Aeon. Thank you, Sir Auron, for your help." Don't you mean, thank you for nothing? She would never have said it, but it is exactly what I gave her, and all I could give her anymore, outside of protecting her from physical harm. Why was it that Zanarkand always made me feel ineffectual?