Chapter 22
Auron never returned that night, marking the first, and only, occassion I can recall in which the man failed to keep a promise. Whatever it was that Yuna required him for must have been of the utmost importance, or else he would have joined me by now. A gnarled knot of emotion grew inside my gut as I tried to discern the meaning of this development. Many of the feelings I harbored were variations of resentment and jealousy that there had been no invitation for me to join them. It occurred to me that Auron was the eldest, wisest, and most experienced of our number, the unofficial leader of Yuna's guardians, and depending on the time and place, arguably the leader of the entire pilgrimage. Of course, if she was in the mood to solicit advice from anyone, he was the natural choice.
It irked me beyond all reason. Rationally, I was cognizant of the fact that I wasn't in competition with Auron, that phase of our relationship had faded into the background long ago. But something within me, something I was powerless to exert any kind of control over, took umbrage with the fact that Yuna had interrupted a very private moment I had shared with the guardian, only to whisk him away and keep him for the night. Had Auron known the emotions that coursed through me at this moment, he would have surely chided me for my foolishness and immaturity. He was executing his duty as a guardian, and when we became involved, I was fully aware that his (and my own) duty must, of necessity, always come first. To compromise this order of things was to cease to be a guardian and for Auron, I suspected, for him...it would mean to cease being completely. What a terrible fate to bear...witnessing as the thing he'd prided himself on and loved most was turned into the very prison that kept him in Spira.
Despite my feelings for and deep trust in Auron, I found myself incapable of escaping from my present mindset. Though I had precious little evidence to back it up, my intuition suggested that the the reason for Yuna's urgent conversation with Auron must be that she was wavering on the pilgrimage. Auron would, undeniably, impel her in the direction of Zanarkand without a second thought. How else could he serve his purpose? My insides seethed and burned at the thought! I loved Auron, but I could not, under any circumstance allow him to force her toward a sacrifice she might not now be willing to make.
And yet, both of them had made painfully clear to me that my opinion was not being sought in this matter. Who would stand up for the other side...who would prevent Auron from bullying my cousin into making the decision he thought proper? On some subconscious level, I was vaguely aware that my hands were clenched into tight fists, knuckles white with the pressure. By now, my fingernails, short as they were, must be drawing blood from my own palms. I didn't care.
My inner turmoil craved expression and I found myself unable to remain in a seated position. My legs sprang to life under me, and my restlessness exploded into a frenzied pacing of the narrow space inside of the tent. Hunched over, I turned back and forth, chewing up the ground beneath my feet in a few strides in either direction. This wouldn't get me anywhere. I was a wreck, unable to stop obsessing about the conversation Auron must be having with Yuna. In my present state, sleep would be impossible, and inaction intolerable. Though I'm sure I would later regret what I was about to do, I did it anyway.
Nervous energy fueled my frantic, yet nearly silent steps out of my tent and across the camp. Silently, I thanked my training as a thief for the ability to move about relatively unheard or unseen. There was absolutely no reason to involve the rest of the party in the violation of trust and privacy I was about to engage in. My urgent, admittedly sloppy steps did not betray my movement to any of my companions. The darkness of the night almost completely dominated the camp, the dying fire providing a flickering and weak backlight.
I reached my destination, pausing to adjust my position so as to prevent my casting any shadow into the interior of the tent. The low rumble of Auron's voice carried through the thin canvas that separated me from the objects of my interest. So, they were still talking. My hopes of eavesdropping on the conversation were dashed when it became clear that the tent muffled any speaker's words beyond recognition. Come to think of it, I'm sure it's something Auron had intended. If he didn't desire to be overheard, he usually succeeded.
In order to both understand the conversation and to create a way to impact it, I would need to interfere. Auron was going to be furious, there was no way around it, there would be no defense for my actions. The swordsman's wrath was not a phenomenon to be trifled with or trivialized. He would certainly make an exception to his customary distance and coldness for an incursion like this. The fact that he was not normally given to outbursts of temper made me fear his anger even more. I took a deep breath. Auron must not be permitted to intimidate me. Yunie's future was at stake and for her safety I would weather any reaction from Auron.
I pulled back the tent flap and entered the canvas enclosure in a single fluid motion. Luck, it seems, had decided against me this night. Auron's muscular frame was positioned to the right of the entrance, stretched out as much as space would allow. The swordsman was still clad only in his pants and his unbound ebony and silver hair fell freely over his well-defined shoulders and back. Against him lay my cousin, wrapped in his arms, her head tucked securely beneath his stubbled chin. I fought the urge to exhale heavily in relief as I realized the embrace was not romantic, rather, it was only meant to offer comfort to a very young summoner who approached a vital crossroads in her life.
The moment Auron's remaining peripheral vision detected motion, his head turned in my direction, fixing me with a hard stare. There was no recognition of me as his inamorata in the depth of his eye, only outrage at my intrusion and a deadly serious intent to defend his Summoner with any means at his disposal. I broke eye contact with him and instinctively thrust my hands out in front of me, half in a gesture of surrender, although as much in my own defense against attack.
It took Auron a long second to identify me and to infer that I posed no physical threat to him or to Yuna. Still, he did not speak, likely knowing that his silence would unnerve me to the point of explaining myself. How can you always be so calculating, Auron? He didn't finish the point he'd been in the process of making to my cousin when I disturbed them.
"Um...I..." Auron's tactic was having the desired effect. "I really am sorry to disturb you - "
Auron's gruff voice cut me off and he raised one eyebrow as he regarded me with a look bordering on disgust. Now, there was an expression I'd never seen, nor expected to see displayed on that countenance. "Yet you did..." As I'd forseen, my relationship with him wasn't going to spare me from his ire.
The unrelenting coldness radiating from the guardian awakened my defensive instincts and I made a quick verbal riposte. "Yes, I did, Sir Auron. I hoped it would never come to this, but I'll do anything I have to, to keep you from forcing her to go to her death in Zanarkand!"
He didn't respond to my accusation, opting instead to try to end the discussion by asserting his authority. His voice began emotionless as usual, but carried the hint of a rising threat, growing more severe with each syllable, "You are out of line, Guardian."
So he wasn't even going to address me by name, eh? Ok, old man, if this is how you want to play, let's see what happens when you're stripped of your vaunted self-control. "Out of line? Me? What about you? Who the hell empowered you to bully Yunie into killing herself for your own peace of mind...to use her to assuage the guilt and misery of your own failures?" A cheap shot, to be sure, and from the pained expression that contorted his face, perhaps more possessed of veracity than he wanted to admit.
All traces of the thunder were gone from his voice when next he spoke, choking out his words. I half-expected him to release Yuna, and get to his feet to make use of his imposing physical presence to drive home his point. He appeared to consider his options for a moment, and then did gently move the Summoner to a position behind him and stood, placing himself between me and Yuna.
His features still displayed a the combination of profound hurt and raw fury that my last comment had elicited. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I took pleasure in knowing that the stonehearted guardian was still capable of anger. I was never quite sure until I beheld it. I hardened myself against the pity I began to feel creeping into me when I was struck by the full force of his visage. His strong jaw was set stubbornly, indignantly. The lone, liquid eye was filled with grief and betrayal. Every line etched into Auron's face over the last ten lonely years was distressingly apparent. Even the decade old scar over his right eye seemed menacing.
"How dare you?" he hissed, maintaing the distance between us. "You know that's not true. It's not!" The last was more a plea than a statement, as though he tried to convince himself of the truth of his own words.
Yuna was stunned. She'd obviously never seen the man in this state either. The Auron in front of us was not the calm, controlled, rational guardian we'd known in our journey together. In his place, possessing his body was a wounded wild animal. It hurt to see him like this, and my heart nearly tore itself in half deciding whether or not to pursue the argument, or to concede it for Auron's sake. I desired, more than anything, to reach out to him, to take back my words and endeavor to find a different way to prevent Yuna's sacrifice...but I couldn't. Yuna deserved better than for me to leave her fate dependent on the chance we'd think of something in the ever-shrinking time interval before we reached Zanarkand.
Stick up for Yuna or spare Auron? It wasn't really much of a choice. If there was one lesson I learned from Auron in my time as guardian, it was that Yuna must be my first priority. His words to that effect echoed in my mind. How perfectly ironic that in following his advice, I'd be at odds with him. Of course, that probably wasn't how Auron viewed it. In his mind, in his heart, he probably believed that he, too, was fighting for Yuna's best interests. Why hadn't Yuna spoken up and intervened, anyway?
"How dare I?" Rikku, for Yevon's sake, stop parroting the man! Think of something original to say! I wanted to, but the truth of the matter was, repeating his words allowed me some time to think, while still voicing my defiance. "You're the one who's spent the entire pilgrimage doing nothing but forcing her onward. Did you ever stop to ask her, Auron, if this is what she truly wanted? Did you ever consider that your very presence, your Yevon-forsaken legendary guardianship, and the legacy of her father were too much of an honor to refuse?"
Auron considered the possibility that I was right, in horror. I was compelled to feel a certain grudging respect for him when I saw it. Despite the bitterness and pain my words aroused in him, he did not dismiss them. The guardian listened with the utmost care and attention, weighing each word against his own impressions. Could it really be possible that carrying out his duty was endangering Yuna, and that she refused, out of respect to talk to him about it, until now?
Auron made a valiant effort to compose himself while he thought. His face, though still obviously showing his agony, was nowhere near as severe as it had been moments ago. Yet, he was still shaken to his core. He'd existed ten long years beyond his own death for the sole purpose of fulfilling a pair of promises made to his closest friends. Over time, I'd slowly come to the realization that there was more for him to those promises than mere duty, he craved the chance to redeem himself for...something I didn't quite understand yet, some mistake that was still too painful to relate fully, even to me. All that was in danger, if what I was saying to him were even possible. Could the man survive having his illusions shattered again?
"This isn't about me! Yuna is stronger than that. She's pursued this pilgrimage because it's what she wanted, not because I forced her to. Anything I've done has been in support of her decisions, not making them for her." He had regained some of his confidence as well, although his voice was still quite shaky and unsure. Auron still didn't have the force of belief behind his statements that he required.
Auron could have said anything, and at this point, his words would have had little impact on me. I responded mostly to his body language, the telling signs that he was devoid of his accustomed dignity and confidence, his precious control. It tore open further the already-gaping wound in my heart. How much more of this must I endure? I'd made my point hadn't I? Couldn't I relent a little, stop hurting him and begin to apologize, begin to win back his trust?
I frantically searched for a way to end this nightmare. "Yunie? What has he said to you...what did you discuss? He tried to force you to continue, didn't he?" It was a leading question, full of my residual anger at Auron for making this so difficult on all of us.
The dazed look dissipated slowly from her face and she shook her head slowly, speaking for the first time since I arrived. "He...helped me decide. But, Rikku, he refused to tell me what to do, even when I put the question to him directly. He knows better than that. He said...the only real answers to my questions were in Zanarkand." She was confidence incarnate. "And that's where I'm going. I don't know exactly what I'll do when I get there, but I know I couldn't live with myself if I didn't find out everything before I made my decision."
I was utterly unable to argue with that. In the space of a few seconds, I watched, helpless as I exchanged figurative positions with Auron. Suddenly, I was the obstacle keeping Yuna from what she desired. My confidence evaportated and a torrent of guilt rushed in to take its place. I'd done serious damage to my relationship with Auron, possibly even destroying it, and worse, presumed to act in my cousin's best interestes without thinking to ask her first. How could I be so stupid?
"I...I'm sorry Yunie. I...should have known better. It's just, he's always been, well, he always seemed to want to push you onward even when you weren't sure. I had to know, I couldn't let him do it to you this time!" I was everything I had accused Auron of being.
Yuna nodded and flashed me a reassuring look. "Really, it's ok. You were both looking out for me, in your own ways. I guess what we need to realize is that we do need to talk these things over before they come to...this..." She spread her hand wide and gestured to include myself and Auron. Ever the peacemaker, Yuna...saving your saviors from each other...it would be funny if it weren't so serious.
Auron didn't gloat in his victory. He simply accepted Yuna's words with a short, tired nod and exited the tent satisfied that the worst was over. I was hesitant to follow him, but I also knew that I would be unable to do anything until I started to make peace with him again. Bidding Yuna good night, and offering another inadequate apology for my actions and outburst, I departed the tent as well.
The swordsman stood by the embers of the dying fire, retrieving his clothing and dressing himself. When he was finished with the task, he folded his arms across his chest and stood with his back to me, likely aware of my presence. I inhaled sharply, preparing myself to face him without Yuna there to temper his anger. I closed the distance between us, gingerly extended my arms around his waist, and buried my head in his robed back.
"Auron..." I never got to finish the thought. Booted, synchronized footsteps became audible in the distance, coming from the direction of Bevelle. Shit! We'd been discovered.
"We'll talk later, wake the others and tell them to prepare for battle." His gloved right hand squeezed mine briefly before he strode forward, out of my embrace, to make his own preparations. This time, there would be no argument...I followed his instructions gladly.