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It was summer.
For some reason, fifteen year-old Harry Potter had had an urge to do some very stupid things.
This is why he'd secretly brought Ron and Hermione to the Dursleys' for the last week of the holidays.
This is also why Harry and Ron were in the yard on a breezy Tuesday morning, 'practicing' spells while Hermione slept.
Harry grinned stupidly as he fumbled with his wand and dropped it. Ron was studying his own wand; he was holding the tip an inch from his left eye and picking at it.
"I wonder what would happen if..." he began. He picked Harry's wand up off the ground and touched the two tips together.
BOON!
"Boon?" said Harry blankly.
Oh.
BOOM!
"MERDE!" roared Harry, when he could see Ron through the smoke. It seemed Ron had been buried up to his chin in Aunt Petunia's beloved flower bed.
"Ce qui vous faites cela pour?!" yelled Harry.
"Gurgle," said Ron, "I think my head's fallen off my bo-bod-ACHOO!"
The smoke and dust from the explosion had made him sneeze.
Suddenly Hermione ran into the yard looking outraged. "YOU WOKE ME UP!" she bellowed, then spotted Ron. "Ron, why are you buried up to your chin?" she asked.
"I'M NOT BURIED! MY HEAD'S FALLEN OFF MY BODY!" Ron yelled.
"Ainsi il dit, mais je pense qu'il veut juste l'attention," muttered Harry.
At the sound of Harry's voice, Hermione's eyes clouded over. She floated over to where he was standing. He looked at her strangely.
"Hermione... are you purring?" Ron inquired furiously.
Hermione grinned like an idiot, looking into Harry's face. "Haaaaaaarryyyy," she panted, drooling on his sweater.
Ron's head shook helplessly. "Moron," he grumbled.
Suddenly, something came crashing through the hedges!
It was...
"MY BODY!" Ron's head shouted.
So it was. It took five minutes for Harry, who now had Hermione clinging to his leg, to succesfully guide Ron's body into picking up his head and placing it back on.
Once he was in one peice, he gloated. "I TOLD you I wasn't buried! BWAHAH——" any further discussion on the subject was stopped abruptly by a large shoe flying out of Uncle Vernon's second floor window, which hit Harry on the head ("RIEN!").
The rest of the week passed in this manner.
On Monday morning, the three friends woke up at the crack of dawn to Dudley's racuous snores. Good thing, too, because although they had to be at King's Cross at eleven o'clock, they hadn't set any alarms.
Harry rolled off his bed. Then he climbed on top of it, jumped up, and plopped on top again with all his might. There was a strangled cry from underneath. Ron's head appeared at the edge.
"You prat!" he yelled. "You nearly squashed me!"
Harry shrugged. "Sorry."
There came a loud bumping noise from inside Harry's closet. Forgetting that this was where Hermione slept, the two boys crept close to it, looks of intense fear on their faces. Harry took a deep breath and pulled the door open.
"AAAARRRGHHHHH!" he screamed.
Ron peeked in. He started to laugh. It was only a lump of sheets! Oh, and it was moving. MOVING?! Ron jumped back. Suddenly Hermione's head popped up. Ron sheilded his eyes. Hermione leapt out of the sheets and ran to Harry. Before he could stop her, she'd given him a huge sloppy kiss and said cheerfully, "Good MORNING, Harry! Are you packed?"
"Aucun," he said. "Et ne m'appelez pas Harry!"
"Oui oui, Monsieur Hari," said Hermione in a horrible French accent. For nearly a week now, Harry had insisted on being called "Hari." No one knew why, but Ron and Hermione thought the mysterious explosion Tuesday morning might have something to do with it.
For the next hour and a half, the three friends packed their trunks. Then they nursed the wounds they'd gotten when their screaming had woken up a very cranky Uncle Vernon. The whip was still in the hallway, "in case they got any ideas."
At nine o'clock, Uncle Vernon started the car. "GET IN!" he thundered.
Harry pretended that Ron and Hermione were his pets, so Uncle Vernon wouldn't realize that they were real people. To make it more convincing he leaned over to pet Ron, but he fell on his face because Hermione was hanging off his neck. He laughed weakly at Uncle Vernon. "Ils m'aiment trop."
After they got in the car, Ron and Hermione had a civil conversation about the weather while pretending to understand Harry's comments. Uncle Vernon was suspicious, because he'd never heard of pets that could talk. Or pets that coud attend school, for that matter. Maybe it's just a wizard thing, he thought. Or maybe Harry's insane. As soon as they reached the station, he threw them out of the car and sped off.
Harry stood looking back at his uncle's car. "Qu'est vers le haut de son bout?"
Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione went to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. Harry quickly caught up.
"What do we do, again?" Ron said loudly.
"Just jump through this solid wall, and we're on our way to the most secret school ever!" Hermione screeched. A few muggles looked at them like they were crazy.
Harry skipped through the wall. "Oy! Hari's already gone!" yelled Hermione. "Let's go, Ron!"
The two jumped through the wall with much banging and crashing. Once on the other side, they skipped to the train, wondering who all the strange people were. They were confused when several ran up and greeted them like old friends. Finally, after claiming a back compartment of the train, some of the stuff they'd forgotten while they vegged out during summer started to return.
"Oh hi Neville!" said Ron when Seamus came in.
He eyed Ron. "Have you lost your marbles?"
Ron pulled a little bag out of his pocket. "Nope, they're right here!" he said merrily and put them back.
"Riiiiight," said Seamus, and left.
An hour later, Hermione decided to take Harry on a walk through the train. "Let's GO!" she yanked his sleeve.
"Je doivent?" he whined.
They walked down the narrow hallway. Hermione kept snarling at any girl who looked at Harry. She couldn't help being jealous, however, when she noticed Harry eyeing a really pretty girl toward the end of the hallway. "Wow, quelle beauté," said Harry.
Without thinking, Hermione ran up to the girl, who had her back to them, grabbed her shoulder and spun her around. "Just so you know, Hari is MY sexy Frenchman!" she shrieked. Then she saw who the girl was.
"MALFOY?! Ceci ne peut pas se produire," Harry moaned. Then he fainted.
Malfoy sneered at Harry's lifeless form. "Get it right, sister. It's Dracie!" Then his eyes widened and he said, "Hey, Potter turned hot!"
Throwing a tearful look at Malfoy, Hermione dragged Harry back to their compartment.
Ron was crying.