"Neville came back in, and I left, and when I came back—" he let out a sob, gesturing toward an alarmingly still figure two seats away. Then he looked up in shock. "Harry... did you just speak in English?"
"Oh, Harry!" Hermione shrieked, and threw herself at him.
"Oh!" Harry looked surprised. "I guess seeing Malf— er, Dracie, must have snapped me out of it."
Suddenly Dean and the REAL Neville ran in. Neville glanced at Seamus and looked terrified. Then he looked back to Harry, Ron, and Hermione. "Oh my god! They killed Seamus!" he shouted.
"The bastards!" yelled Dean, even louder.
Something stirred at Dean's shout. "It's Neville!" said Ron.
"He's alive!" said Harry.
"No shit!" yelled the real Neville.
"Who're you?" asked Ron.
"Neville," said Neville.
"That's Neville!" yelled Ron, pointing at Seamus, who was yawning and rubbing his eyes.
"No, that's Seamus, Ron. Capice?" said Dean in a strange Italian accent. The others noticed that he was wearing a floor-length trench coat. He mysteriously reached inside it and pulled out something. It was a... banana! He peeled it and took a bite while the others watched apprehensively. "Mmm... want some?" he said.
They shook their heads.
So, now that Seamus had been confirmed living, the Gryffindors chatted merrily for the rest of the train ride.
Once the train had stopped, the group of friends stepped onto the pleasantly warm sand and felt the ocean breezes swishing through their hair. Looking out into the waves, Ron said, "Gee, Hogwarts Island hasn't changed a bit!"
They filed into the Great Hall. Harry noticed Dracie watching him out of the corner of his/her eye. The pink mini-skirt flashed menacingly in the harsh sunlight. Harry squinted. Then he was swept off his feet (literally) by Hermione. He was forced to hang on to her sleeve for dear life, all the way to her dormitory, where she promptly attempted to rape him.
Suddenly, Viktor Krum appeared!
"You try to rape Herm-own-ninny!" he roared, spit flying everywhere while he glared at Harry, who was having his shirt torn off by Hermione. "Now, prepare to... DUEL!"
There was a loud crack and suddenly, the three of them were in a dueling stadium! Somehow, Krum had managed to Apparate them off school grounds. Harry looked around. "Hmm," he said, when he saw Hermione dressed as a medieval princess, and he looked down. He was wearing feather light chain mail and holding his wand. He vaguely noticed Viktor bearing down on him, shouting various spells. None of them did anything to Harry. In fact, they were bouncing off him and hitting Hermione full on; so far she had a face made of breakfast food items, two extra arms, and radioactive skin.
Harry giggled. Then he used his miraculous hypnotic powers to cause Krum to think he was Britney Spears.
Krum danced in a would-be seductive manner, his "behind" shaking very clumsily.
Harry grinned and yelled, "PARTY!! WOOHOO!" Loud pop music started to play and the lights clicked off, then moving colored spotlights went on. People started flowing into the stadium, and most of them started to dance wildly.
"YEAH! SHAKE IT!" yelled the bacon that was Hermione's mouth. She wiggled her—
"OUCH!" Harry screamed as someone bumped into him. It was Dumbledore. As Harry watched, Dumbledore boogied his way through the bobbing masses. Then he stubbed his toe on something.
"AHHHH!! What the #&*@#$* was that?!!! @#$@#*$^!*&*&@%$!!!"
The entire stadium went silent. Dean broke the silence with a loud belch.
"All right, party's over," he said, and as if to confirm this he once again reached threateningly into his trench coat.
Soon they were all back at Hogwarts. It was only when he was back in the dormitory after dinner when Ron noticed that something was wrong, very wrong. Very, very wrong.
"Dude, where's my donut?"
"Dunno," said Harry. He left for the bathroom. When he returned to the dormitory three minutes later, he was surprised to find Ron dressed in a coat somewhat similar to Dean's. He also had a strange hat on, and was carrying a magnifying glass. He was humming a tune that sounded strangely like the "Mission: Impossible" theme.
"Umm..." said Harry.
At the sound of Harry's voice Ron jumped around and started peering at Harry's clothes through the magnifying glass. He was muttering distractedly.
"Ron, what are you doing?!" said Harry as he threw Ron across the room with his amazing superstrength.
"Looking for my donut, old chap," said Ron, and, throwing a mysterious glance at Harry, he disappeared through the dormitory door.
Harry shook his head, plopped onto his four-poster, and started to snore.