(Section 3)
-Loki is sitting at the Lodge bar. Mike Hammer, a skinny, non-threatening looking guy with a look of earnest stupidity on his face, is the bartender. Loki is nursing a drink, and is hunched over the bar watching the glass. There is a rhythmic bass beat pulsating from the room above the bar. The rhythm is similar to that of an indigenous tribal drum beat. The beat is so strong; Loki is watching his glass bounce on the bar in time to it. The room is filled with the members of the Lodge drinking beer and playing poker.
L: Well, I'm soooo glad Red made a mistake on Stone's reservation time. Turns out it's nine AM as opposed to nine PM. Now I've got another twelve hours to stew and wait for him to get here.
Mike: So whatcha gonna do until this Stone get here?
L: I'm not sure yet.. (L looks up at the ceiling).but I could certainly think of something a lot easier if those two would downshift a few gears. The thought of the Velma the Bovine in that context makes me nauseous. At least they had the decency to turn on the stereo so we wouldn't hear THEM.
Red: Ummm.Loki, there isn't even a radio in that room.
-Loki downs his drink in one gulp.
L: Yo, Mike? Could you just send the whole bottle this way? I'm going to need it.
-Mike sets a bottle of bourbon next to Loki, which begins to bounce along with the glass.
L: I don't need this.
-Loki gathers the bottle and glass to himself. Then Loki begins to bounce on his stool with the beat.
M: Loki, I don't mean to pry into someone else's affairs, but is that a Lamborghini Diablo you have out there?
L: Why, yes it is.
M: Year 1996?
L: Right again.
M: With an 8-cylinder fuel injection engine?
L: Yeah.
M: Vintage number 33998256?
L: All right, what did you do? Read the registration? Wait, you couldn't have. It's fake.
M: I'm just familiar with cars. Why I remember my first Corvette.but that's all past now. I'm familiar with that model's capabilities. Zero to sixty in two and a half seconds. Top speed of two hundred and twenty. I'll bet that baby can leave cop cruisers choking on dust.
L: Yes, so I've notic..so I've heard.
M: The amazing thing about those machines is they can blast through the streets like a sonic missile, zip out of sight like a shadow, and still hold up to be driven another day. Yet put one of those through a chop shop, and it'll be stripped to its bare essentials in sixty seconds.
-Before Mike can blink, Loki has shot out of his chair and leapt behind the bar, and is holding Mike in the air by the throat. Mike is already losing consciousness from oxygen deprivation.
L: What.Have.You.Done?
M: (Speaking between gasps of air) Nothing. I never touched your car. I don't do that stuff anymore.
-Loki drops Mike and hops back over the bar. Mike falls to his knees. Loki waits for him to stand back up.
M: I used to do things like that. But Red is helping me go straight.
L: Go straight, huh? So if I introduced you to Fred, you'd turn him down?
M: Not that kind of straight! I had a less than reputable past, and I'm distancing myself from it. Oh by the way, here are your keys.
-Mike has Loki's keys. Loki is looking at him, stunned and furious.
M: You dropped them when you jumped over here to kill me. Here's your wallet, too.
-Loki collects both items. The pounding from upstairs suddenly halts. The sudden stop of the bouncing throws off the entire room. Everyone grabs their chairs to keep from falling over.
L: I never thought they'd stop. After four hours straight, they must be dead.
-The pounding resumes. This time at a much faster pace.
L: What are they doing now?
R: The theme from Bonanza.
L: What? They just shifted gears after all that?
R: Gears nothing! They just shifted entire GENRES!
-Fred and Daphne wander into the bar. Fred is carrying a camcorder and a light meter and is taking reading and testing camera angles. Daphne has entered the bar in a very irritable and aggravated mood. She comes to a rest, leaning on the jukebox. Everyone in the lodges eyes zoom to the redhead. They are staring, drooling, and muttering amongst each other. One of the members, on the prodding of the others, gets up and approaches Daphne.
Dalton: Ummmm. Excuse me, Ms. Blake?
D (In a noncivil tone): What?
Da: Me and some the other guys were wondering...are you a girl?
D: What kind of question is that?
Da: It's just that we all love you on your show so much, and the only women we ever see have thicker moustaches than we do. So we didn't think anyone could look like you do. So, are you a girl?
D: Last time I checked. What show?
Da: Could I check?
-Daphne socks Dalton in the face.
Da: (As he holds his eye and returns to his chair) She's just like the wife!
-Fred takes a shot of Daphne on the jukebox, and moves around the bar. He is taking shots of everything, wide and close.
-Shaggy and Scooby drag themselves into the bar. They are filthy, dirty, dripping wet, and covered in slime. Neither one is in good humors.
L: Tuatha De! What happened to you two?
Sc: Ron't rask.
Sh: We've been combing every inch of this fucking lodge; trying to find where Harold keeps his weed. We need a hit real bad.
L: And it hasn't occurred to you to just ask Harold and buy some?
Sh: Loki, have YOU ever paid for your weed?
L: Oh yeah, good point. He probably has it hidden just in case of that. And given that Red apparently knows nothing about it, it's most likely hidden well. Then again, Red wouldn't notice a nuclear warhead under the dinner table. But if you've seen under the dinner table, Harold could be manufacturing biological weaponry down there.
Sh: We looked over every inch of the lodge, and we couldn't find anything. All we managed to find was a steel reinforced bunker holding caches of explosives and armaments. They had a really big TV on that covered the whole wall, and an XBox hooked up to it. There were all these computers processing data, and what looked like mail and online orders. Then there was this really long table with all these metal uncomfortable chairs surrounding it. At the head of it was this huge cushioned swivel chair that had this nameplate on the back. It said, "OUR FEARLESS TYRANNICAL LEADER AND PRESIDENT OF THE KEY CLUB: HAROLD GREEN." But no weed.
L: Uh huh. And you two are SURE you didn't find the weed? And did you just say an Xbox?
Sc: Reah. RexRox. Really rice rone. Re rayed Read ror Ralive Ree. Really ROT ricks!
L: Yes, so I've heard. I must find that Xbox! But first...
-Fred sticks the light meter right in Loki's face. Loki grabs it, and it explodes in his grasp.
L: Fred? I've mentioned about how I hate how when you film me.
F: I have to prepare the perfect shot!
L: Of what exactly?
F: My artistic integrity would be compromised to reveal that now! I have a masterpiece to make!
Sh: Fred, we've been putting up with your "artistic integrity" for way too long. Can you ever give the shit a rest?
Sc: Ret it ro, Red.
Red: Someone call me?
L: No.
F: Now everyone move to the other side of the bar. I'm going to do a master shot.
L: That's not gonna happen, Fred. Now I remember why I haven't seen you all in so long. There were several things I couldn't stand about you. First, you were always giving orders to everybody. Second, you wanted to share my room. That was extremely frightening, and very eroding on the sanity. Then you were always carrying around that video camera, like we were on a documentary or something. Most importantly, Fred, never forget this. I was the one who started the Scooby Gang. You were the rookie. You were never in any position to lead the group to anything.
F: (Stunned) You're being edited out now!
Sh: (Pointing out the door) Look Fred! It's the ghost! He probably left some clues!
F: Let's go, gang! We've got a mystery to solve!
Sc: Re'll ratch rup.
Sh: Right, we'll catch up later.
-Fred grabs Daphne and drags her out the door, filming every step.
L: Norville, you really are a lot more likable when you're stoned.
Sh: Fuck you. Say, Loki, you're getting that look again. You're planning to rip someone off, aren't you?
L: You still know me well, Shag. Look around, what do you see?
Sh: A room full of backwoods, braindead hillbillys playing poker.
L: Right. Did you look at the pots?
Sh: The ones with belts on them?
L: No, no, the ones on the table. Oh wait, they are on the table. I mean the money.
Sh: Yeah. Those are some big bills.
L: Those pots have a couple thousand riding on those hands. Which means that these beer vacuums have a shitload of money, and obviously aren't spending it any other way. I suspect the Harold's income is financing this. And ill-gotten gains are doomed to be lost.
Sh: Then why do you still have your car?
L: Never mind that. I propose a lively game to catch their attention, and open their wallets.
Sh: What did you have in mind?
L: Do you remember that party we were at after your football game?
Sh: You mean the one where you woke up in the swimming pool the next day in a pink bunny suit?
L: Yes, and I'll thank you to never mention that again. Remember what ELSE I did there?
Sh: Party Scam #67?
L: 68, actually.
Sh: The one with the darts.
L: Correct.
Sh: You plan to cheat?
L: Is there any other way?
Sh: With the voodoo you do?
L: Of course.
Sh: And you have no problem with taking advantage of rich, brainless fools?
L: Imerely set the temptation. It's their choice whether they fail or succeed.
Sh: Quoting Lucifer always me feel better. So what's my cut?
L: Why should you get one?
Sh: I still have pictures of the bunny suit.
L: Forty sound good?
Sh: Take it up with my agent. -Motions toward Scooby.
L: Scooby?
Sc: Rixty.
L: SIXTY! Why did I ever make you talk?
Sh: Hey man, all I said was I'd like to know what the dog was trying to tell us. You're the one who went Hocus-Pocus and made him talk.
Sc: Rith a reech rimrediment ro ress.
L: What did you expect, Scoobert? Your vocal cords aren't made to work like that.
Sh: Thanks to you, Loki, we've had to put up with his incessant yakking for years.
L: What was he trying to tell that time anyhow?
Sh: He was telling us that little Timmy had fallen down a mine shaft.
L: And what? We were supposed to help him?
Sh: Nah, that he was going to nail that Lassie bitch now that he had the chance.
L: (Stunned) Scoob?
Sc: Ree hee hee hee!
WHAT'S THIS? LOKI FOUNDED THE SCOOBY GANG? BUT HOW? AND WHAT IS FRED DOING WITH THAT CAMERA? WHAT IS WITH DAPHNE ANYWAY? WILL VELMA AND GORD EVER COME BACK DOWN? WHERE HAS THE PHATULENT PHANTOM GONE? WHEN WILL PHILO STONE GET HERE? AND WHO REALLY SHOT J.R.? ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF "AS YOUR STOMACH CHURNS"!
-Loki is sitting at the Lodge bar. Mike Hammer, a skinny, non-threatening looking guy with a look of earnest stupidity on his face, is the bartender. Loki is nursing a drink, and is hunched over the bar watching the glass. There is a rhythmic bass beat pulsating from the room above the bar. The rhythm is similar to that of an indigenous tribal drum beat. The beat is so strong; Loki is watching his glass bounce on the bar in time to it. The room is filled with the members of the Lodge drinking beer and playing poker.
L: Well, I'm soooo glad Red made a mistake on Stone's reservation time. Turns out it's nine AM as opposed to nine PM. Now I've got another twelve hours to stew and wait for him to get here.
Mike: So whatcha gonna do until this Stone get here?
L: I'm not sure yet.. (L looks up at the ceiling).but I could certainly think of something a lot easier if those two would downshift a few gears. The thought of the Velma the Bovine in that context makes me nauseous. At least they had the decency to turn on the stereo so we wouldn't hear THEM.
Red: Ummm.Loki, there isn't even a radio in that room.
-Loki downs his drink in one gulp.
L: Yo, Mike? Could you just send the whole bottle this way? I'm going to need it.
-Mike sets a bottle of bourbon next to Loki, which begins to bounce along with the glass.
L: I don't need this.
-Loki gathers the bottle and glass to himself. Then Loki begins to bounce on his stool with the beat.
M: Loki, I don't mean to pry into someone else's affairs, but is that a Lamborghini Diablo you have out there?
L: Why, yes it is.
M: Year 1996?
L: Right again.
M: With an 8-cylinder fuel injection engine?
L: Yeah.
M: Vintage number 33998256?
L: All right, what did you do? Read the registration? Wait, you couldn't have. It's fake.
M: I'm just familiar with cars. Why I remember my first Corvette.but that's all past now. I'm familiar with that model's capabilities. Zero to sixty in two and a half seconds. Top speed of two hundred and twenty. I'll bet that baby can leave cop cruisers choking on dust.
L: Yes, so I've notic..so I've heard.
M: The amazing thing about those machines is they can blast through the streets like a sonic missile, zip out of sight like a shadow, and still hold up to be driven another day. Yet put one of those through a chop shop, and it'll be stripped to its bare essentials in sixty seconds.
-Before Mike can blink, Loki has shot out of his chair and leapt behind the bar, and is holding Mike in the air by the throat. Mike is already losing consciousness from oxygen deprivation.
L: What.Have.You.Done?
M: (Speaking between gasps of air) Nothing. I never touched your car. I don't do that stuff anymore.
-Loki drops Mike and hops back over the bar. Mike falls to his knees. Loki waits for him to stand back up.
M: I used to do things like that. But Red is helping me go straight.
L: Go straight, huh? So if I introduced you to Fred, you'd turn him down?
M: Not that kind of straight! I had a less than reputable past, and I'm distancing myself from it. Oh by the way, here are your keys.
-Mike has Loki's keys. Loki is looking at him, stunned and furious.
M: You dropped them when you jumped over here to kill me. Here's your wallet, too.
-Loki collects both items. The pounding from upstairs suddenly halts. The sudden stop of the bouncing throws off the entire room. Everyone grabs their chairs to keep from falling over.
L: I never thought they'd stop. After four hours straight, they must be dead.
-The pounding resumes. This time at a much faster pace.
L: What are they doing now?
R: The theme from Bonanza.
L: What? They just shifted gears after all that?
R: Gears nothing! They just shifted entire GENRES!
-Fred and Daphne wander into the bar. Fred is carrying a camcorder and a light meter and is taking reading and testing camera angles. Daphne has entered the bar in a very irritable and aggravated mood. She comes to a rest, leaning on the jukebox. Everyone in the lodges eyes zoom to the redhead. They are staring, drooling, and muttering amongst each other. One of the members, on the prodding of the others, gets up and approaches Daphne.
Dalton: Ummmm. Excuse me, Ms. Blake?
D (In a noncivil tone): What?
Da: Me and some the other guys were wondering...are you a girl?
D: What kind of question is that?
Da: It's just that we all love you on your show so much, and the only women we ever see have thicker moustaches than we do. So we didn't think anyone could look like you do. So, are you a girl?
D: Last time I checked. What show?
Da: Could I check?
-Daphne socks Dalton in the face.
Da: (As he holds his eye and returns to his chair) She's just like the wife!
-Fred takes a shot of Daphne on the jukebox, and moves around the bar. He is taking shots of everything, wide and close.
-Shaggy and Scooby drag themselves into the bar. They are filthy, dirty, dripping wet, and covered in slime. Neither one is in good humors.
L: Tuatha De! What happened to you two?
Sc: Ron't rask.
Sh: We've been combing every inch of this fucking lodge; trying to find where Harold keeps his weed. We need a hit real bad.
L: And it hasn't occurred to you to just ask Harold and buy some?
Sh: Loki, have YOU ever paid for your weed?
L: Oh yeah, good point. He probably has it hidden just in case of that. And given that Red apparently knows nothing about it, it's most likely hidden well. Then again, Red wouldn't notice a nuclear warhead under the dinner table. But if you've seen under the dinner table, Harold could be manufacturing biological weaponry down there.
Sh: We looked over every inch of the lodge, and we couldn't find anything. All we managed to find was a steel reinforced bunker holding caches of explosives and armaments. They had a really big TV on that covered the whole wall, and an XBox hooked up to it. There were all these computers processing data, and what looked like mail and online orders. Then there was this really long table with all these metal uncomfortable chairs surrounding it. At the head of it was this huge cushioned swivel chair that had this nameplate on the back. It said, "OUR FEARLESS TYRANNICAL LEADER AND PRESIDENT OF THE KEY CLUB: HAROLD GREEN." But no weed.
L: Uh huh. And you two are SURE you didn't find the weed? And did you just say an Xbox?
Sc: Reah. RexRox. Really rice rone. Re rayed Read ror Ralive Ree. Really ROT ricks!
L: Yes, so I've heard. I must find that Xbox! But first...
-Fred sticks the light meter right in Loki's face. Loki grabs it, and it explodes in his grasp.
L: Fred? I've mentioned about how I hate how when you film me.
F: I have to prepare the perfect shot!
L: Of what exactly?
F: My artistic integrity would be compromised to reveal that now! I have a masterpiece to make!
Sh: Fred, we've been putting up with your "artistic integrity" for way too long. Can you ever give the shit a rest?
Sc: Ret it ro, Red.
Red: Someone call me?
L: No.
F: Now everyone move to the other side of the bar. I'm going to do a master shot.
L: That's not gonna happen, Fred. Now I remember why I haven't seen you all in so long. There were several things I couldn't stand about you. First, you were always giving orders to everybody. Second, you wanted to share my room. That was extremely frightening, and very eroding on the sanity. Then you were always carrying around that video camera, like we were on a documentary or something. Most importantly, Fred, never forget this. I was the one who started the Scooby Gang. You were the rookie. You were never in any position to lead the group to anything.
F: (Stunned) You're being edited out now!
Sh: (Pointing out the door) Look Fred! It's the ghost! He probably left some clues!
F: Let's go, gang! We've got a mystery to solve!
Sc: Re'll ratch rup.
Sh: Right, we'll catch up later.
-Fred grabs Daphne and drags her out the door, filming every step.
L: Norville, you really are a lot more likable when you're stoned.
Sh: Fuck you. Say, Loki, you're getting that look again. You're planning to rip someone off, aren't you?
L: You still know me well, Shag. Look around, what do you see?
Sh: A room full of backwoods, braindead hillbillys playing poker.
L: Right. Did you look at the pots?
Sh: The ones with belts on them?
L: No, no, the ones on the table. Oh wait, they are on the table. I mean the money.
Sh: Yeah. Those are some big bills.
L: Those pots have a couple thousand riding on those hands. Which means that these beer vacuums have a shitload of money, and obviously aren't spending it any other way. I suspect the Harold's income is financing this. And ill-gotten gains are doomed to be lost.
Sh: Then why do you still have your car?
L: Never mind that. I propose a lively game to catch their attention, and open their wallets.
Sh: What did you have in mind?
L: Do you remember that party we were at after your football game?
Sh: You mean the one where you woke up in the swimming pool the next day in a pink bunny suit?
L: Yes, and I'll thank you to never mention that again. Remember what ELSE I did there?
Sh: Party Scam #67?
L: 68, actually.
Sh: The one with the darts.
L: Correct.
Sh: You plan to cheat?
L: Is there any other way?
Sh: With the voodoo you do?
L: Of course.
Sh: And you have no problem with taking advantage of rich, brainless fools?
L: Imerely set the temptation. It's their choice whether they fail or succeed.
Sh: Quoting Lucifer always me feel better. So what's my cut?
L: Why should you get one?
Sh: I still have pictures of the bunny suit.
L: Forty sound good?
Sh: Take it up with my agent. -Motions toward Scooby.
L: Scooby?
Sc: Rixty.
L: SIXTY! Why did I ever make you talk?
Sh: Hey man, all I said was I'd like to know what the dog was trying to tell us. You're the one who went Hocus-Pocus and made him talk.
Sc: Rith a reech rimrediment ro ress.
L: What did you expect, Scoobert? Your vocal cords aren't made to work like that.
Sh: Thanks to you, Loki, we've had to put up with his incessant yakking for years.
L: What was he trying to tell that time anyhow?
Sh: He was telling us that little Timmy had fallen down a mine shaft.
L: And what? We were supposed to help him?
Sh: Nah, that he was going to nail that Lassie bitch now that he had the chance.
L: (Stunned) Scoob?
Sc: Ree hee hee hee!
WHAT'S THIS? LOKI FOUNDED THE SCOOBY GANG? BUT HOW? AND WHAT IS FRED DOING WITH THAT CAMERA? WHAT IS WITH DAPHNE ANYWAY? WILL VELMA AND GORD EVER COME BACK DOWN? WHERE HAS THE PHATULENT PHANTOM GONE? WHEN WILL PHILO STONE GET HERE? AND WHO REALLY SHOT J.R.? ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF "AS YOUR STOMACH CHURNS"!