(Section 7)
-All is silent at the Lodge. The only thing moving is the rustling of the tumbleweeds drifting by the soggy Canadian swampland. The swivel doors of a tavern, which suspiciously were not there a moment ago, swing open with a piercing SQUEEEEEK. All eyes dart the doors. A man draped in shadow slinks to the bar ands sinks into a stool. The powerful gleam of his eyes is complemented by his salt-and-pepper hair and bushy moustache. Everyone draws back from him as he turns his eye toward the crowd. He scans his audience and rasps in a soft gravelly tone-
Stranger: Which one of you is Fred Jones?
-Fred tries to run away, but is pushed forward by the Lodgers-
F: Uhm…I am.
Stranger: Hi! I'm Dabney Coleman. I was sent by Has-been Celebrities Incorporated to be the Celebrity Guest Star on your show.
F: Dabney Coleman? I asked for GARY Coleman! He was the most popular Guest Star I ever had!
Dab: Are you kidding? He exposed every loophole in your plotline, and got turned into a zombie for no apparent reason!
F: Precisely why he was so popular! I'm sorry Mr. Coleman, but I will only accept my specific order.
Dab: Fantastic. I thought I'd hit rock bottom when I lost the role of the Professor on Gilligan's Island. Now I'm losing out to a washed-up child star that still looks like one!
-He storms out of the bar-
F: Now that that's out of the way, we can begin. Even if I've lost Gary Coleman, I can still get Philo Stone. I just have to be discreet. Mr. Stone! Could you move to your left? You're not completely in the camera angle.
S: Mr. Jones…
H: Everyone ready to shoot? It's time to start. Everyone to places!
R: Harold? Why is Fred adjusting our cameras?
H: I made an agreement with him. First we shoot our show, then he films his. This way, he won't be in our way.
R: All right. Anything to keep that fruitcake out of our hair. Has he said anything about what he's doing?
H: No. He said that his artistic integrity would be compromised if he revealed anything.
Sh: That's bullshit. Fred knows nothing about art.
L: And he doesn't even know the meaning of the word integrity.
-POW! Shaggy slaps Loki-
L: Thank you, Shaggy. Stone's starting to wear off on me too. Oh, by the way. Harold, I have something for you.
H: Grapefruits? That's the best you could do?
L: It was either that or the water balloons.
H: Loki, you're enjoying my predicament for too much for your continued safety. Doish Flaven! Move yourselves, incompetent fools! Set up the master shot!
L: Again with the German.
-The scene is ready-
H: Hi everybody! Welcome to the Red Green Show! I'm Harold Green, and please don't pay attention to what I'm wearing. Now give a big Possum Lodge welcome to my uncle, Red Green!
R: Hi everybody. Welcome to another episode of the Red Green show. In case you haven't noticed, Harold is out of his usual attire. He assures me that it's purely for entertainment purposes, but I suspected this was coming for quite a while. So I'm not all that shocked. So, the agenda at the Lodge today is…frame Red as the mastermind behind a global criminal organization and achieve worldwide economic dominance. Harold, what is this?
H: The writers came up short this week. We had to devise a fictional side story to hold the show together.
R: Uh huh. Anyway, allow me to introduce a very special guest star. We've never had anyone of this magnitude up at the Lodge. I find it hard to believe it myself. Ladies and Gentlemen, PHILO STONE!
-Stone enters the set, to the crazed applause of a crowd of people that weren't there a second ago. Loki is right behind him-
R: And also this other guy…um…Scooby-Doo!
L: Red, that's the dog. I'm Loki.
R: Oh yeah. Say Loki, how can Stone be standing halfway across the room at high noon with no lights on in the lodge, and you're still standing in his shadow?
L: It's just something I've grown accustomed to.
H: Uncle Red!
R: What, Harold?
H: The scavenger hunt.
R: Right. This week at Possum Lodge, Harold has arranged for us all to go on a scavenger hunt, with Philo Stone and Loki joining us. I have a list right here of the stuff we need to get. Swamp moss from the far side of Possum Swamp…a stick of lighted dynamite…Red Green's credit card records…Harold, what kind of list is this?
H: One that will prove a challenge and provide entertainment to our viewers.
S: Also one that will lead to a secluded place where no one will find us, armed with evidence that might incriminate Red and ourselves and an explosive implement that will ultimately kill us.
H: And?
-Stone goes for the cuffs again. Loki stops him-
F: And CUT!
H: Only I say cut, Liberachi! You get your turn when I'm finished.
R: We are finished, Harold.
H: Oh. Fine then. Fred, go on and make your smut.
F: Fabulous. Everyone outside! We're off to the amusement park!
L: I still don't get.
Sc: Rhat?
L: What is he filming?
Sh: I don't know.
H: Mr. Stone? We're getting ready to shoot Adventures with Bill, but Bill fell of the roof of the Lodge in a freak tightrope walking accident. He's still in a coma. So we won't need you for about ten minutes. You can do what you like until then.
S: All right then. What would you like to do, Loki?
L: I'd like to check out Fred's set at the amusement park. I'm curious about what he's doing over there.
S: Okay, let's go.
-Over by the carousel, Fred is situating Shaggy, Scooby, and Daphne in a straight line in front of the Lodge cameras. Shaggy looks at Fred quizzically-
Sh: Fred, why do you always line up us all the time?
F: After the first season, staggering everyone was too much work. This is easier.
D: Look! It's Elvis!
F: Daphne, Elvis is…(Fred sees a white jumpsuit and pompadour run into the woods) DAMN! First I miss Bigfoot, now the King! Whatever that bimbo sees next, I'm not letting get away! Now, Velma? VELMA!
-Harold runs over to the set-
H: Fred, I know that I'm playing Velma, but you don't need to call me that.
F: Stop talking crazy, Velma. Now get in line so I can shoot.
-Red, Loki, and Stone come over as well-
R: So, how's it coming? Will you be long, Harold? We need you to get hit with a baseball in the Bill sketch.
-SCREECH! The Lodge camera mounted on the tetherball pole is grinding and giving off smoke-
S: Wow! That's a lot of smoke! What would cause that sort of disturbance? Almost as if it were…
L: Trying to accommodate two signals.
F: It's my turn to film! Everyone shut up! Places!
-Fred pushes Harold into the shot, and shoos Red, Stone, and Loki out-
F: Aaaaaand…ACTION!
-Fred leaps in front of the Gang, looking like Superman with a curvature of the spine-
F: We've got a mystery to solve! Come on gang! Let's look for clues!
Sc: Rhis ris rucking rupid.
D: La da da dee…
H: Grumble grumble…
Sh: Gonna fuckin' kill him…
F: It's best to split up, everybody! Shaggy, Scooby, you go that way. Daphne, me, and Velma will go this way!
Sh: Good.
-Shaggy and Scooby go off behind the carousel and light up-
F: There must be a clue somewhere around here!
H: Fred, I think I see a clue over by the roller coaster.
D: Look! A roller coaster!
F: There's nothing over there, Velma. There must be a clue near that old outhouse!
H: Can't you see that can of florescent paint next to the ticket booth?
F: Nah, I'm going to the outhouse.
H: What do you need? A sign in red paint saying, "Here is a clue?" (points behind Fred) Say, what is that?
-Fred turns and sees nothing. When he turns back around, Harold is standing there breathless. A sign in red paint is now over the can of paint saying, "Hey stupid, here is a clue"-
H: It says, "Hey stupid". It must mean you, Fred.
-The cameras follow Fred, Daphne, and Harold to the roller coaster. Under the bright red letters is a can of florescent paint with a strip of paper attached to it-
F: Look! A clue!
H: Just read the paper, Fred.
F: It's a credit card receipt. This will have to be analyzed. Velma, you'll need to run a check on this credit number, and see whose card this is for!
H: Look at the signature, Fred.
F: Why, it's signed in very well written letters by…Red Herring! I mean Red Green!
H: Look under the receipt, Fred.
F: It's a credit card! Red Green's credit card!
R: How did my credit card get there?
F: Velma, add this to the pile of clues! We need to find more?
H: Fred, you have definite proof to accuse Red of being the Phantom. Why do you need more?
F: The show needs to be longer!
H: Oy vey!
L: Harold's Jewish?
D: Ohhhh…a roller coaster!
S: Didn't she just say that? There's something wrong with Daphne. Every time I use my sterilizing gum, she ends up contaminated again.
L: It's Prozac. I just found out. I had wondered how she could get so dumb so fast when she had a full ride to Harvard after high school.
S: Fred?
L: Yeah.
R: What's that smell?
S: I smell it, too.
L: That's gunpowder.
S: It's coming from over there. By the tetherball pole.
-Loki and Stone find a small pile of shells-
S: These look like ammo for a gatling gun.
L: And they were spent a few hours ago.
S: Someone was most likely testing the ability of the gun.
L: Most likely.
S: I'll take a few of these for evidence.
-Back at the roller coaster-
F: Que the ghost! It's time for the chase scene! Ghost? Where are you? It's your que! Get out here!
H: SIGH…(pulls out a cell phone) Henchmen #5! Commence Plan C!
-A few seconds later, Shaggy and Scooby, shrieking in high-pitched squeaks, and running frantically, come around from behind the carousel. They are being pursued by the Phlatulent Phantom, who is wearing overalls and a werewolf mask-
S: Seems they need some better communication skills.
L: That, or the costume rental shop ran out of zombie suits.
-The Phantom runs after S and S, and collides with another Phantom, wearing a bed sheet with holes cut out-
S: Two?
-From behind Harold comes another Phantom, wearing a pillowcase on his head.
L: Three?
-Lastly, a Phantom wearing a pillowcase without eyeholes bumps into Stone and Loki. -
Phan4: Excuse me, please.
-Stone and Loki guide him toward the others and send him off-
H: FOUR of you?
Phan2: I'm sorry, Crimson Mastermind. We forgot who was Henchman #5!
H: Never mind! Just get them! Bwahaheehahu…HACK…SPIT…I still can't get it!
F: Ghosts! RUN!
-A chase ensues. The Scooby Gang takes off behind the carousel, and the Phantoms follow. They begin running in circles around the carousel over and over-
S: They that's how they run past the same scenery over and over again.
-After ten more trips, the chase abruptly stops. Shaggy and Harold are carrying a limping Phantom wearing the werewolf mask-
Sh: He fell and hurt himself.
-The remaining two Phantoms who can see, still in chase mode, charge Stone and Loki. They glance at each other and clothesline the oncoming phantoms-
L: Winston?
Phan3: Yes?
L: Where is Buzz?
-Buzz, in his blind pillowcase, runs straight into a wall-
S: I had better apply some first aid.
-Fred is still running-
F: We are not finished yet! The shot is not done until we have passed the same lamp and table thirty times!
-While looking over at the group administering medical care to the injured Phantoms, Fred runs straight into the swamp-
SPLOSH!
-Stone, carrying the unconscious Buzz over his massive shoulder, heaves Fred out of the muck.
F: Thanks, Mr. Stone.
THE CASE IS DEEPENING! A CLUE HAS BEEN FOUND! AND THE PHANTOM(S) ARE ALREADY GETTING HURT! HOW LONG WILL HAROLD CONTINUE THIS? WHAT WILL THE GANG FIND NEXT? AND WHY IS SURVIVOR STILL ON THE AIR? I JUST DON'T GET IT.
-All is silent at the Lodge. The only thing moving is the rustling of the tumbleweeds drifting by the soggy Canadian swampland. The swivel doors of a tavern, which suspiciously were not there a moment ago, swing open with a piercing SQUEEEEEK. All eyes dart the doors. A man draped in shadow slinks to the bar ands sinks into a stool. The powerful gleam of his eyes is complemented by his salt-and-pepper hair and bushy moustache. Everyone draws back from him as he turns his eye toward the crowd. He scans his audience and rasps in a soft gravelly tone-
Stranger: Which one of you is Fred Jones?
-Fred tries to run away, but is pushed forward by the Lodgers-
F: Uhm…I am.
Stranger: Hi! I'm Dabney Coleman. I was sent by Has-been Celebrities Incorporated to be the Celebrity Guest Star on your show.
F: Dabney Coleman? I asked for GARY Coleman! He was the most popular Guest Star I ever had!
Dab: Are you kidding? He exposed every loophole in your plotline, and got turned into a zombie for no apparent reason!
F: Precisely why he was so popular! I'm sorry Mr. Coleman, but I will only accept my specific order.
Dab: Fantastic. I thought I'd hit rock bottom when I lost the role of the Professor on Gilligan's Island. Now I'm losing out to a washed-up child star that still looks like one!
-He storms out of the bar-
F: Now that that's out of the way, we can begin. Even if I've lost Gary Coleman, I can still get Philo Stone. I just have to be discreet. Mr. Stone! Could you move to your left? You're not completely in the camera angle.
S: Mr. Jones…
H: Everyone ready to shoot? It's time to start. Everyone to places!
R: Harold? Why is Fred adjusting our cameras?
H: I made an agreement with him. First we shoot our show, then he films his. This way, he won't be in our way.
R: All right. Anything to keep that fruitcake out of our hair. Has he said anything about what he's doing?
H: No. He said that his artistic integrity would be compromised if he revealed anything.
Sh: That's bullshit. Fred knows nothing about art.
L: And he doesn't even know the meaning of the word integrity.
-POW! Shaggy slaps Loki-
L: Thank you, Shaggy. Stone's starting to wear off on me too. Oh, by the way. Harold, I have something for you.
H: Grapefruits? That's the best you could do?
L: It was either that or the water balloons.
H: Loki, you're enjoying my predicament for too much for your continued safety. Doish Flaven! Move yourselves, incompetent fools! Set up the master shot!
L: Again with the German.
-The scene is ready-
H: Hi everybody! Welcome to the Red Green Show! I'm Harold Green, and please don't pay attention to what I'm wearing. Now give a big Possum Lodge welcome to my uncle, Red Green!
R: Hi everybody. Welcome to another episode of the Red Green show. In case you haven't noticed, Harold is out of his usual attire. He assures me that it's purely for entertainment purposes, but I suspected this was coming for quite a while. So I'm not all that shocked. So, the agenda at the Lodge today is…frame Red as the mastermind behind a global criminal organization and achieve worldwide economic dominance. Harold, what is this?
H: The writers came up short this week. We had to devise a fictional side story to hold the show together.
R: Uh huh. Anyway, allow me to introduce a very special guest star. We've never had anyone of this magnitude up at the Lodge. I find it hard to believe it myself. Ladies and Gentlemen, PHILO STONE!
-Stone enters the set, to the crazed applause of a crowd of people that weren't there a second ago. Loki is right behind him-
R: And also this other guy…um…Scooby-Doo!
L: Red, that's the dog. I'm Loki.
R: Oh yeah. Say Loki, how can Stone be standing halfway across the room at high noon with no lights on in the lodge, and you're still standing in his shadow?
L: It's just something I've grown accustomed to.
H: Uncle Red!
R: What, Harold?
H: The scavenger hunt.
R: Right. This week at Possum Lodge, Harold has arranged for us all to go on a scavenger hunt, with Philo Stone and Loki joining us. I have a list right here of the stuff we need to get. Swamp moss from the far side of Possum Swamp…a stick of lighted dynamite…Red Green's credit card records…Harold, what kind of list is this?
H: One that will prove a challenge and provide entertainment to our viewers.
S: Also one that will lead to a secluded place where no one will find us, armed with evidence that might incriminate Red and ourselves and an explosive implement that will ultimately kill us.
H: And?
-Stone goes for the cuffs again. Loki stops him-
F: And CUT!
H: Only I say cut, Liberachi! You get your turn when I'm finished.
R: We are finished, Harold.
H: Oh. Fine then. Fred, go on and make your smut.
F: Fabulous. Everyone outside! We're off to the amusement park!
L: I still don't get.
Sc: Rhat?
L: What is he filming?
Sh: I don't know.
H: Mr. Stone? We're getting ready to shoot Adventures with Bill, but Bill fell of the roof of the Lodge in a freak tightrope walking accident. He's still in a coma. So we won't need you for about ten minutes. You can do what you like until then.
S: All right then. What would you like to do, Loki?
L: I'd like to check out Fred's set at the amusement park. I'm curious about what he's doing over there.
S: Okay, let's go.
-Over by the carousel, Fred is situating Shaggy, Scooby, and Daphne in a straight line in front of the Lodge cameras. Shaggy looks at Fred quizzically-
Sh: Fred, why do you always line up us all the time?
F: After the first season, staggering everyone was too much work. This is easier.
D: Look! It's Elvis!
F: Daphne, Elvis is…(Fred sees a white jumpsuit and pompadour run into the woods) DAMN! First I miss Bigfoot, now the King! Whatever that bimbo sees next, I'm not letting get away! Now, Velma? VELMA!
-Harold runs over to the set-
H: Fred, I know that I'm playing Velma, but you don't need to call me that.
F: Stop talking crazy, Velma. Now get in line so I can shoot.
-Red, Loki, and Stone come over as well-
R: So, how's it coming? Will you be long, Harold? We need you to get hit with a baseball in the Bill sketch.
-SCREECH! The Lodge camera mounted on the tetherball pole is grinding and giving off smoke-
S: Wow! That's a lot of smoke! What would cause that sort of disturbance? Almost as if it were…
L: Trying to accommodate two signals.
F: It's my turn to film! Everyone shut up! Places!
-Fred pushes Harold into the shot, and shoos Red, Stone, and Loki out-
F: Aaaaaand…ACTION!
-Fred leaps in front of the Gang, looking like Superman with a curvature of the spine-
F: We've got a mystery to solve! Come on gang! Let's look for clues!
Sc: Rhis ris rucking rupid.
D: La da da dee…
H: Grumble grumble…
Sh: Gonna fuckin' kill him…
F: It's best to split up, everybody! Shaggy, Scooby, you go that way. Daphne, me, and Velma will go this way!
Sh: Good.
-Shaggy and Scooby go off behind the carousel and light up-
F: There must be a clue somewhere around here!
H: Fred, I think I see a clue over by the roller coaster.
D: Look! A roller coaster!
F: There's nothing over there, Velma. There must be a clue near that old outhouse!
H: Can't you see that can of florescent paint next to the ticket booth?
F: Nah, I'm going to the outhouse.
H: What do you need? A sign in red paint saying, "Here is a clue?" (points behind Fred) Say, what is that?
-Fred turns and sees nothing. When he turns back around, Harold is standing there breathless. A sign in red paint is now over the can of paint saying, "Hey stupid, here is a clue"-
H: It says, "Hey stupid". It must mean you, Fred.
-The cameras follow Fred, Daphne, and Harold to the roller coaster. Under the bright red letters is a can of florescent paint with a strip of paper attached to it-
F: Look! A clue!
H: Just read the paper, Fred.
F: It's a credit card receipt. This will have to be analyzed. Velma, you'll need to run a check on this credit number, and see whose card this is for!
H: Look at the signature, Fred.
F: Why, it's signed in very well written letters by…Red Herring! I mean Red Green!
H: Look under the receipt, Fred.
F: It's a credit card! Red Green's credit card!
R: How did my credit card get there?
F: Velma, add this to the pile of clues! We need to find more?
H: Fred, you have definite proof to accuse Red of being the Phantom. Why do you need more?
F: The show needs to be longer!
H: Oy vey!
L: Harold's Jewish?
D: Ohhhh…a roller coaster!
S: Didn't she just say that? There's something wrong with Daphne. Every time I use my sterilizing gum, she ends up contaminated again.
L: It's Prozac. I just found out. I had wondered how she could get so dumb so fast when she had a full ride to Harvard after high school.
S: Fred?
L: Yeah.
R: What's that smell?
S: I smell it, too.
L: That's gunpowder.
S: It's coming from over there. By the tetherball pole.
-Loki and Stone find a small pile of shells-
S: These look like ammo for a gatling gun.
L: And they were spent a few hours ago.
S: Someone was most likely testing the ability of the gun.
L: Most likely.
S: I'll take a few of these for evidence.
-Back at the roller coaster-
F: Que the ghost! It's time for the chase scene! Ghost? Where are you? It's your que! Get out here!
H: SIGH…(pulls out a cell phone) Henchmen #5! Commence Plan C!
-A few seconds later, Shaggy and Scooby, shrieking in high-pitched squeaks, and running frantically, come around from behind the carousel. They are being pursued by the Phlatulent Phantom, who is wearing overalls and a werewolf mask-
S: Seems they need some better communication skills.
L: That, or the costume rental shop ran out of zombie suits.
-The Phantom runs after S and S, and collides with another Phantom, wearing a bed sheet with holes cut out-
S: Two?
-From behind Harold comes another Phantom, wearing a pillowcase on his head.
L: Three?
-Lastly, a Phantom wearing a pillowcase without eyeholes bumps into Stone and Loki. -
Phan4: Excuse me, please.
-Stone and Loki guide him toward the others and send him off-
H: FOUR of you?
Phan2: I'm sorry, Crimson Mastermind. We forgot who was Henchman #5!
H: Never mind! Just get them! Bwahaheehahu…HACK…SPIT…I still can't get it!
F: Ghosts! RUN!
-A chase ensues. The Scooby Gang takes off behind the carousel, and the Phantoms follow. They begin running in circles around the carousel over and over-
S: They that's how they run past the same scenery over and over again.
-After ten more trips, the chase abruptly stops. Shaggy and Harold are carrying a limping Phantom wearing the werewolf mask-
Sh: He fell and hurt himself.
-The remaining two Phantoms who can see, still in chase mode, charge Stone and Loki. They glance at each other and clothesline the oncoming phantoms-
L: Winston?
Phan3: Yes?
L: Where is Buzz?
-Buzz, in his blind pillowcase, runs straight into a wall-
S: I had better apply some first aid.
-Fred is still running-
F: We are not finished yet! The shot is not done until we have passed the same lamp and table thirty times!
-While looking over at the group administering medical care to the injured Phantoms, Fred runs straight into the swamp-
SPLOSH!
-Stone, carrying the unconscious Buzz over his massive shoulder, heaves Fred out of the muck.
F: Thanks, Mr. Stone.
THE CASE IS DEEPENING! A CLUE HAS BEEN FOUND! AND THE PHANTOM(S) ARE ALREADY GETTING HURT! HOW LONG WILL HAROLD CONTINUE THIS? WHAT WILL THE GANG FIND NEXT? AND WHY IS SURVIVOR STILL ON THE AIR? I JUST DON'T GET IT.