(Section 8)
-Loki, Shaggy, and Scooby have gone out back behind the lodge to have a bowl. When they go back there, they see Stone on top of a tall hill. He has one foot on a tree stump and one hand by his head in an unconscious dramatic posture. The rising sun is shining its morning light on him, showing only his silhouette to the awe-struck viewers below-
L: That's just beautiful. After I thought that he couldn't find any other ways to make himself appear as the most perfect being on this planet, he finds a scene to pose in that would make Thomas Kincaid weep. That's one of those moments that begs to be captured on canvas. SHAGGY! Put that brush down!
Sh: It just begged to be painted.
L: Scooby. Put down the camera!
Sc: Rorry.
S: Loki…Mr. Rogers…Scoobert…what brings you three out here this morning?
L: Up for morning calisthenics. What about you?
S: I already did that. I ran around the county about seven times, did 2000 push-ups, and 5000 jump squats.
L: That's great, I…
S: Then I did a full aerial gymnastic routine through the trees in the swamp, taking care not to fall into that highly treacherous muck.
L: Okay, what…
S: After that, there was the sparring session with the silverback gorilla, and the tightrope walking with hordes of crazed peregrine falcons swooping at me.
L: How did you find those?
S: I had them flown in.
L: Uh…I don't want to know. What were doing on that hill just now?
S: I was attempting to contact two of my agents with my cell phone. There's a huge dead zone down here, and I was getting worried about them. They should both be here, but I haven't seen them.
L: You have agents?
S: Of course. Do you honestly expect that I can do everything myself? I am only human, after all.
L: Uhhhhh…
S: Oh Mr. Rogers, I've been meaning to ask you about something. I happen to own a kennel that is populated predominantly with Great Danes. Would it possible to secure Scoobert for stud rights?
Sc: REAH!
S: That was amazing, Mr. Rogers. I was almost certain that Scoobert talked just then. I always was impressed with that on your show. I have to go film some more of Red's show. Here's my card. Call me later when you make your decision.
Sc: Row. Ri'm ronna re ra RIMP RADDY!
L: Worry about your canine cock later, Scooby. Shit, he mentioned the show again. What show? Unless he means America's Most Wanted, I haven't any idea what he's referring to. Anyway, Shag, Scoob, Fred will find you guys to film again. When that happens, disappear and FIND THAT WEED.
Sc: Right.
-The Red Green has begun filming-
Red's voice over: Today on Adventures with Bill, we have Philo Stone demonstrating some methods of physical fitness. Considering that this was Harold's idea, I expected tiddly-winks. But Harold suggested baseball, the American pastime.
S: Loki, I've never played this. Is it anything like cricket?
L: Yeah, just swing the bat laterally instead of up.
S: Is it customary to have this…bat sawed through halfway with this?
L: Just use this titanium one.
S: This has FOR USE ON FRED written on it.
L: Don't worry. I'll get to that.
Red: Our set up today is Bill going to feed pitches to Stone via this pitching machine, and Stone's going to hit them in this extremely large batting cage. Bill also seems to have a blast shield set up next to the pitching machine.
S: Isn't that an Mk 19 40-mm grenade launcher?
L: Yup.
S: I'm familiar with this model. It fires distance-timed grenades. That would explain the red flags surrounding the plate.
Red: Okay, Bill's ready to start and…oh wait, he's bending down to tie his shoe. And Stone had just moved ten steps closer to the machine. He must be a plate hugger. Bill is ready, and the first pitch is off. Stone just cracked a beautiful hit right through the net.
BOOM!
Red: What was that? Must be Buzz again. Bill's off again, and he's shot a perfect shot right down the strike zone. Oh wait, Bill got a bit overzealous, and he fired off two pitches. Stone's completely unfazed. He just the first one and an amazing shot right back down the line of trajectory, and right back into the pitching machine. Stone nailed the other with expert timing right at Bill. Bill's caught it. He's looks happy.
DOUBLE BOOM!!
Red: Woah! The machine and Bill have just gone up in a fireball! The pitching machine's toast! But it looks like Bill's a bit singed, but he'll live. He always does. I still haven't figured that out.
-The scene wraps, and Red and Winston carry the comatose Bill into the Lodge. Loki catches up with Harold as he is gathering the equipment. He stands for moment regarding Harold. He looks him up and down, taking in the oversized sweater, the far too short skirt, especially with Harold's legs, and the grapefruits that strategically placed in a manner only Picasso would find conceivable-
L: So, Harold, are you abreast of the situation or just skirting the issue?
H: You know, Loki, normally I would just take that comment and lock it inside me and let it fester like all the others, but not today. You may be one of my best customers, but I can hurt you, Loki, and I'm not afraid to.
L: Oh no, what are you doing to do? Flash me?
H: A possibility, but I have something far WORSE in mind. I could make certain…comparisons.
L: No.
H: You know, Loki, you and Stone look an awful lot alike.
L: You wouldn't.
H: Except that he's blonde and you're brunette.
L: Eep.
H: And he's a little taller.
L: Stop.
H: And little broader.
L: Help…
H: And MUCH BETTER LOOKING!
-Loki is now bent over backwards so far his head is touching the ground-
H: I did it! I created severe distress in another person! I am a super- villain! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! GASP I got that laugh right! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm getting the hang of this!
-Harold takes off, skipping a little girl-
L: He's getting the hang of this. I had no comeback with him in a dress calling Philo Stone good looking. You could make it as a super-villain yet. I'm almost impressed.
-Fred, camcorder in hand, has just found Harold-
F: Velma! There you are! We need to shoot the scene were you lose your glasses and end up in a so-easy-to-avoid-its-ridiculous trap.
H: I am Harold. Stop calling me Velma.
F: Sorry, Harold. I get caught in the moment. Anyway, let's get going. I need to make you look like a fool so I can appear like a conquering hero in comparison.
-Fred scampers off-
H: He has just destroyed the first good moment I've ever had. A true super- villain would not allow this. What does the Guide to Successful Super- Villainy have on this? Index…I don't believe it. There's a section on meddling kids in here! Page 56…"The meddling kid is generally described as big, blond, and egotistically delusional. He will make every effort to make himself appear the hero by using the "Human shield factor". This means he will send his other group members into danger while he stays safely behind. To get to the meddling kid, you must infiltrate the group and separate him from the others. Disguising yourself as one of the group can do this quite easily. The meddling kid will not notice the difference even if you are a man wearing a skirt and a pair of grape fruits…" Wow, it's as if this guy knows me. "…Harold." Excellent. Fred is mine to torment as I wish! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I could get used to this.
-Fred has everyone lining up over by the bingo hall, er, casino-
F: Okay, gang! Let's split up!
Sh and Sc: Cool.
-S and S take off-
F: Daphne, you and I will go………Daphne! Stand up!
-Daphne, drugged to the point of near death, is laying on the ground drooling-
F: Ah, fiddlesticks. Velma, we need to keep her up somehow.
H: Grumble grumble………
-Within minutes, Daphne has been tied to a pole-
F: Everyone reset! Take two! Shaggy! Scooby! We're reshooting! Where are you?
H: Ah, the human shield factor has been eliminated. He is mine!
F: We'll take the scene from where we are. Velma! Daphne! We need to solve this mystery! Come on, gang! Let's go! Velma, untie Daphne and bring her along.
-Harold unties Daphne, and she falls right through his arms. She starts to slide down his body, and Harold cannot hold back the lustful grin on his face. He hoists her up onto his shoulder and carries her off behind Fred-
H: Fred! I'll bet there's a clue in the casino.
F: I know! Let's check out that casino! There must be a clue in there!
H: Excellent………
-Inside the bingo hall, er, casino, the room is empty save for a few tables and chairs. Harold beelines straight for the back of the room, behind the podium with the microphone-
H: Fred! There might be a secret passage over here!
-Fred walks over boldly, camcorder in hand-
F: Stand aside, Velma! I'll bet there's a secret passage around here!
-Fred begins to feel all over the walls. When Fred is in the correct place, Harold pulls on the microphone. The wall slides open, and Fred falls through the open wall-
F: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh………THUD
H: Did I forget to mention that the passage didn't have a staircase?
F: AH! My spleen! Hey! I found a clue!
H: Yes.
F: It's a picture of Red Green in the Phlatulent Phantom suit!
H: Yes indeed. Another well-placed red herring to incriminate Uncle Red, and………FUCK! I have to film Handyman Corner! I'm coming, Uncle Red!
-Harold runs back to the lodge carrying Daphne-
F: Hello? Velma? Where are you?
-Handyman Corner-
R: This week on Handyman Corner, I'm going to be doing some repair work to this authentic 1918 Sopwith Camel. Through a rather entertaining accident, the tail was torn off it, but I'm going to reattach it using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. First………oh, hello Mr. Stone. What's this? Mr. Stone has just handed me a business card. What do we have on it? Howie, Screwem, and Howel. GULP It's truly a frightening day when the stalwart scions of justice and honor use lawyers to get their point across. Especially when that weapon is the biggest law firm in the Northern Hemisphere. That's it for Handyman Corner today; tune in next time when I have as my guest the best damn public defender I can find.
-Shaggy and Scooby are scouring through the lodge on their weed hunt. So far, nothing. Dalton Humphries meets them in a hallway-
Sh: Hi, Dalton.
D: Hello. Would either of you be Philo Stone?
Sc: Rhy?
D: I was given instructions that if you weren't Stone, I was supposed to chase you. If you weren't, I don't.
Sh: I've had enough running today. Yeah, we're Stone.
D: Both of you?
Sc: Reah. Roth rof rus.
D: Okay. What do I do if you're Stone? Let me see………oh yeah. BRAAAAAAAAAAA
-Dalton has a chainsaw-
Sh: FUCK!
ZOOM!
Sh: Say, Scoob, you want to do it again? For old times' sake?
Sc: Rokay.
-Dalton runs into the dining hall. Two podiums are sitting on the floor. Scooby looks like Anne Robinson, which is not much of a stretch. Shaggy guides Dalton to his podium-
Sc: Relcome ro RHE REAKEST RINK! Rhere ri will rask restions rand rause rou romotional risress! Rart rhe rame!
Sh: Your first question is………how many molecules are in Leonard Nimoy's butt?
D: Ummmm………BANK!
Sc: Rou ron't rave rany roney, rupid.
D: Oh………Cheeseburger!
-Shaggy zaps him with a cattle prod-
D: What is this? Weakest Link or the Chamber?
Sc: RILENCE!! Rou RARE rhe Reakest Rink! Rood-Rye!!
D: What! I'll show what Canadians do to British bitches like you! BRAAAAAAAAAAAA
Sh: SHIT! I told you we should have done Jeopardy!
Sc: Ralex Rebek! Rhat rould rave reen RORSE!!
Sh: Just RUN!
-They smash through a window and plummet toward the swamp-
S and S: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
WUMP
Sh: Holy shit! We found a clue!
WHAT'S THIS? A CLUE? A REAL CLUE? IT CAN'T BE. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW? WILL FRED GET OUT OF THAT BASEMENT? DOES ANYONE REALLY WANT HIM TO? WHAT SUPER- VILLAINY WILL HAROLD THINK OF NEXT? AND DOES HE ACTUALLY LIKE VELMA'S CLOTHES? NEXT TIME, CAMPERS! NANANANANANANANANANANANA-LOKI!!!!!!!
-Loki, Shaggy, and Scooby have gone out back behind the lodge to have a bowl. When they go back there, they see Stone on top of a tall hill. He has one foot on a tree stump and one hand by his head in an unconscious dramatic posture. The rising sun is shining its morning light on him, showing only his silhouette to the awe-struck viewers below-
L: That's just beautiful. After I thought that he couldn't find any other ways to make himself appear as the most perfect being on this planet, he finds a scene to pose in that would make Thomas Kincaid weep. That's one of those moments that begs to be captured on canvas. SHAGGY! Put that brush down!
Sh: It just begged to be painted.
L: Scooby. Put down the camera!
Sc: Rorry.
S: Loki…Mr. Rogers…Scoobert…what brings you three out here this morning?
L: Up for morning calisthenics. What about you?
S: I already did that. I ran around the county about seven times, did 2000 push-ups, and 5000 jump squats.
L: That's great, I…
S: Then I did a full aerial gymnastic routine through the trees in the swamp, taking care not to fall into that highly treacherous muck.
L: Okay, what…
S: After that, there was the sparring session with the silverback gorilla, and the tightrope walking with hordes of crazed peregrine falcons swooping at me.
L: How did you find those?
S: I had them flown in.
L: Uh…I don't want to know. What were doing on that hill just now?
S: I was attempting to contact two of my agents with my cell phone. There's a huge dead zone down here, and I was getting worried about them. They should both be here, but I haven't seen them.
L: You have agents?
S: Of course. Do you honestly expect that I can do everything myself? I am only human, after all.
L: Uhhhhh…
S: Oh Mr. Rogers, I've been meaning to ask you about something. I happen to own a kennel that is populated predominantly with Great Danes. Would it possible to secure Scoobert for stud rights?
Sc: REAH!
S: That was amazing, Mr. Rogers. I was almost certain that Scoobert talked just then. I always was impressed with that on your show. I have to go film some more of Red's show. Here's my card. Call me later when you make your decision.
Sc: Row. Ri'm ronna re ra RIMP RADDY!
L: Worry about your canine cock later, Scooby. Shit, he mentioned the show again. What show? Unless he means America's Most Wanted, I haven't any idea what he's referring to. Anyway, Shag, Scoob, Fred will find you guys to film again. When that happens, disappear and FIND THAT WEED.
Sc: Right.
-The Red Green has begun filming-
Red's voice over: Today on Adventures with Bill, we have Philo Stone demonstrating some methods of physical fitness. Considering that this was Harold's idea, I expected tiddly-winks. But Harold suggested baseball, the American pastime.
S: Loki, I've never played this. Is it anything like cricket?
L: Yeah, just swing the bat laterally instead of up.
S: Is it customary to have this…bat sawed through halfway with this?
L: Just use this titanium one.
S: This has FOR USE ON FRED written on it.
L: Don't worry. I'll get to that.
Red: Our set up today is Bill going to feed pitches to Stone via this pitching machine, and Stone's going to hit them in this extremely large batting cage. Bill also seems to have a blast shield set up next to the pitching machine.
S: Isn't that an Mk 19 40-mm grenade launcher?
L: Yup.
S: I'm familiar with this model. It fires distance-timed grenades. That would explain the red flags surrounding the plate.
Red: Okay, Bill's ready to start and…oh wait, he's bending down to tie his shoe. And Stone had just moved ten steps closer to the machine. He must be a plate hugger. Bill is ready, and the first pitch is off. Stone just cracked a beautiful hit right through the net.
BOOM!
Red: What was that? Must be Buzz again. Bill's off again, and he's shot a perfect shot right down the strike zone. Oh wait, Bill got a bit overzealous, and he fired off two pitches. Stone's completely unfazed. He just the first one and an amazing shot right back down the line of trajectory, and right back into the pitching machine. Stone nailed the other with expert timing right at Bill. Bill's caught it. He's looks happy.
DOUBLE BOOM!!
Red: Woah! The machine and Bill have just gone up in a fireball! The pitching machine's toast! But it looks like Bill's a bit singed, but he'll live. He always does. I still haven't figured that out.
-The scene wraps, and Red and Winston carry the comatose Bill into the Lodge. Loki catches up with Harold as he is gathering the equipment. He stands for moment regarding Harold. He looks him up and down, taking in the oversized sweater, the far too short skirt, especially with Harold's legs, and the grapefruits that strategically placed in a manner only Picasso would find conceivable-
L: So, Harold, are you abreast of the situation or just skirting the issue?
H: You know, Loki, normally I would just take that comment and lock it inside me and let it fester like all the others, but not today. You may be one of my best customers, but I can hurt you, Loki, and I'm not afraid to.
L: Oh no, what are you doing to do? Flash me?
H: A possibility, but I have something far WORSE in mind. I could make certain…comparisons.
L: No.
H: You know, Loki, you and Stone look an awful lot alike.
L: You wouldn't.
H: Except that he's blonde and you're brunette.
L: Eep.
H: And he's a little taller.
L: Stop.
H: And little broader.
L: Help…
H: And MUCH BETTER LOOKING!
-Loki is now bent over backwards so far his head is touching the ground-
H: I did it! I created severe distress in another person! I am a super- villain! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! GASP I got that laugh right! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm getting the hang of this!
-Harold takes off, skipping a little girl-
L: He's getting the hang of this. I had no comeback with him in a dress calling Philo Stone good looking. You could make it as a super-villain yet. I'm almost impressed.
-Fred, camcorder in hand, has just found Harold-
F: Velma! There you are! We need to shoot the scene were you lose your glasses and end up in a so-easy-to-avoid-its-ridiculous trap.
H: I am Harold. Stop calling me Velma.
F: Sorry, Harold. I get caught in the moment. Anyway, let's get going. I need to make you look like a fool so I can appear like a conquering hero in comparison.
-Fred scampers off-
H: He has just destroyed the first good moment I've ever had. A true super- villain would not allow this. What does the Guide to Successful Super- Villainy have on this? Index…I don't believe it. There's a section on meddling kids in here! Page 56…"The meddling kid is generally described as big, blond, and egotistically delusional. He will make every effort to make himself appear the hero by using the "Human shield factor". This means he will send his other group members into danger while he stays safely behind. To get to the meddling kid, you must infiltrate the group and separate him from the others. Disguising yourself as one of the group can do this quite easily. The meddling kid will not notice the difference even if you are a man wearing a skirt and a pair of grape fruits…" Wow, it's as if this guy knows me. "…Harold." Excellent. Fred is mine to torment as I wish! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I could get used to this.
-Fred has everyone lining up over by the bingo hall, er, casino-
F: Okay, gang! Let's split up!
Sh and Sc: Cool.
-S and S take off-
F: Daphne, you and I will go………Daphne! Stand up!
-Daphne, drugged to the point of near death, is laying on the ground drooling-
F: Ah, fiddlesticks. Velma, we need to keep her up somehow.
H: Grumble grumble………
-Within minutes, Daphne has been tied to a pole-
F: Everyone reset! Take two! Shaggy! Scooby! We're reshooting! Where are you?
H: Ah, the human shield factor has been eliminated. He is mine!
F: We'll take the scene from where we are. Velma! Daphne! We need to solve this mystery! Come on, gang! Let's go! Velma, untie Daphne and bring her along.
-Harold unties Daphne, and she falls right through his arms. She starts to slide down his body, and Harold cannot hold back the lustful grin on his face. He hoists her up onto his shoulder and carries her off behind Fred-
H: Fred! I'll bet there's a clue in the casino.
F: I know! Let's check out that casino! There must be a clue in there!
H: Excellent………
-Inside the bingo hall, er, casino, the room is empty save for a few tables and chairs. Harold beelines straight for the back of the room, behind the podium with the microphone-
H: Fred! There might be a secret passage over here!
-Fred walks over boldly, camcorder in hand-
F: Stand aside, Velma! I'll bet there's a secret passage around here!
-Fred begins to feel all over the walls. When Fred is in the correct place, Harold pulls on the microphone. The wall slides open, and Fred falls through the open wall-
F: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh………THUD
H: Did I forget to mention that the passage didn't have a staircase?
F: AH! My spleen! Hey! I found a clue!
H: Yes.
F: It's a picture of Red Green in the Phlatulent Phantom suit!
H: Yes indeed. Another well-placed red herring to incriminate Uncle Red, and………FUCK! I have to film Handyman Corner! I'm coming, Uncle Red!
-Harold runs back to the lodge carrying Daphne-
F: Hello? Velma? Where are you?
-Handyman Corner-
R: This week on Handyman Corner, I'm going to be doing some repair work to this authentic 1918 Sopwith Camel. Through a rather entertaining accident, the tail was torn off it, but I'm going to reattach it using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. First………oh, hello Mr. Stone. What's this? Mr. Stone has just handed me a business card. What do we have on it? Howie, Screwem, and Howel. GULP It's truly a frightening day when the stalwart scions of justice and honor use lawyers to get their point across. Especially when that weapon is the biggest law firm in the Northern Hemisphere. That's it for Handyman Corner today; tune in next time when I have as my guest the best damn public defender I can find.
-Shaggy and Scooby are scouring through the lodge on their weed hunt. So far, nothing. Dalton Humphries meets them in a hallway-
Sh: Hi, Dalton.
D: Hello. Would either of you be Philo Stone?
Sc: Rhy?
D: I was given instructions that if you weren't Stone, I was supposed to chase you. If you weren't, I don't.
Sh: I've had enough running today. Yeah, we're Stone.
D: Both of you?
Sc: Reah. Roth rof rus.
D: Okay. What do I do if you're Stone? Let me see………oh yeah. BRAAAAAAAAAAA
-Dalton has a chainsaw-
Sh: FUCK!
ZOOM!
Sh: Say, Scoob, you want to do it again? For old times' sake?
Sc: Rokay.
-Dalton runs into the dining hall. Two podiums are sitting on the floor. Scooby looks like Anne Robinson, which is not much of a stretch. Shaggy guides Dalton to his podium-
Sc: Relcome ro RHE REAKEST RINK! Rhere ri will rask restions rand rause rou romotional risress! Rart rhe rame!
Sh: Your first question is………how many molecules are in Leonard Nimoy's butt?
D: Ummmm………BANK!
Sc: Rou ron't rave rany roney, rupid.
D: Oh………Cheeseburger!
-Shaggy zaps him with a cattle prod-
D: What is this? Weakest Link or the Chamber?
Sc: RILENCE!! Rou RARE rhe Reakest Rink! Rood-Rye!!
D: What! I'll show what Canadians do to British bitches like you! BRAAAAAAAAAAAA
Sh: SHIT! I told you we should have done Jeopardy!
Sc: Ralex Rebek! Rhat rould rave reen RORSE!!
Sh: Just RUN!
-They smash through a window and plummet toward the swamp-
S and S: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
WUMP
Sh: Holy shit! We found a clue!
WHAT'S THIS? A CLUE? A REAL CLUE? IT CAN'T BE. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW? WILL FRED GET OUT OF THAT BASEMENT? DOES ANYONE REALLY WANT HIM TO? WHAT SUPER- VILLAINY WILL HAROLD THINK OF NEXT? AND DOES HE ACTUALLY LIKE VELMA'S CLOTHES? NEXT TIME, CAMPERS! NANANANANANANANANANANANA-LOKI!!!!!!!