(Section 11)
-Inside the Possum Swamp Nuclear Facility. Wayland Smithers is looking through a high-powered telescope.
Burns: Smithers! Are you keeping a close watch on that Boy Scout camp? Can't have them snooping around the plant.
Smithers: Oh, yes. Thank you, sir.
B: What are they doing now?
S: They're having a swim meet, Mr. Burns. Oh dear.
B: What is it, Smithers?
S: It's a launch, sir.
B: Launch? Excellent. If they swim before waiting an hour, they might all get cramps and drown.
Sm: No, sir. A LAUNCH. It's a type of boat. It's heading across the swamp right toward us.
B: Well, who's in it?
Sm: Its Philo Stone, sir.
B: Stone? Curses! He's found us again! Quick! Gather the supplies! We're fleeing to Canada!
Sm: Mr. Burns, we're already in Canada.
B: Drat! I keep forgetting. It's that darn swamp. I keep thinking we're in Florida.
Sm: Sir?
B: What, Smithers?
Sm: There are some more on the boat.
B: Who else?
Sm: Umm…there are some…
B: Don't say it.
Sm:…meddling kids, sir.
B: That's all we need! Release the Kraken!
Sm: Mr. Burns, the Kraken has been stoned out of its mind ever since it ate that barge. There's also a
talking dog on the boat.
B: A TALKING DOG? Double Drat! If it had been some meddling kids and a talking shark, we might have stood a chance. At least it's not a three- eyed fish. I thought that radiation leak had been repaired.
Sm: The man you hired used duct tape to patch the hole. It's not a very good insulator.
B: Triple Drat! That's the last time I hire local help! Our operation has been exposed! Stone will be
here at any moment! We have to get out of here!
Sm: But where, Mr. Burns?
B: First Springfield, then Canada. We need to find another desolate wasteland ripe for criminal activity!
Where can we go, Smithers?
Sm: There's Montana, sir.
B: Ick! Even I have standards!
Sm: What about Mos Eisley, sir?
B: Excellent! Prepare the hyperdrive, and set a course for Tatooine!
-The top of the nuclear plant opens and a starship blasts out of the atmosphere. It vanishes in a burst
of light.
S: What was that?
L: I'm not sure, but whatever it was, whatever believability factor we had left just went with it.
Sh: Mr. Stone?
S: Yes, Shaggy?
Sh: What are we doing out here again?
S: Loki has told me that several of the Phantoms have been giving off a green glow after emerging from the swamp area. So I'm doing an atmospheric scan to see if I can detect any sort of abnormalities in the ecosystem.
–Stone holds a high-tech device in his hand and is taking readings-
S: This is astounding. And a bit disturbing.
Sh: What is it?
S: The warm is abnormally warm. We've established that already. What is quite odd is that the water is actually warmer nearer to the bottom than at the surface. And the radiation I'm picking up seems quite familiar.
Sh: Familiar? How?
S: I've come across this particular radiation once before. In a town called Springfield. It comes from only one source I've ever found. And it has a peculiar side effect.
L: (Glowing green) Must destroy mankind…
S: Ah yes, just as I suspected. It is easily counteracted, though.
-Stone produces a donut-
L: Sprinkles…
-The glow subsides-
S: See? He's much better.
-KOONK! Loki walks into the cabin door-
L: D'OH!
S: Though there is some lingering stupidity.
-Scooby notices a black sludge oozing into the water out of a large pipe-
Sc: Rook! ROIL!
S: No, no, Scoobert. That's not oil, that…I just talked to the dog again.
L: Don't worry, Stone. After a while, it becomes habitual.
S: Yeeeees…as I was saying, that is not oil. That is in fact…
Sh: What's that nasty ass smell? LOKI!
L: It wasn't me! It was…Harold!
H: Oh sure. Pin it on the guy in a dress and tied to a steering wheel.
Sh: What is that? It smells like…
L: That's too nasty to stand! We're getting out of here!
-Loki gives the wheel a hard spin to turn the boat 180-
H: WHOAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
-Heading back to shore-
S: I think I've procured enough data to piece together the composition of that lake. When we return to land, I'll run it through the chemical analyzer I have in my room, and make a formal conclusion.
L: Stone? You have a chemical analyzer in your room at the Lodge?
S: Why certainly. I have my entire crime laboratory there. I am here on official business. The only true drawback to my location is that I have the toilet. That may not sound like much, but Red explained to me that there is only sufficient plumbing at the Lodge to support one line, being that Red uses so much equipment on his…other projects. So when I say I have the toilet, I have THE toilet. It's quite aggravating after a lodge meeting with three kegs.
L: That's all fascinating. Harold? Must you stare at me while I'm steering? It's quite distracting.
H: Not much else to look at besides your uncanny resemblance to a certain blond fellow.
L: Let me improve your view, then.
-Loki spins the wheel upside down. He glances down at Harold's underwear now staring him in the face-
L: UGH. This is not an improvement.
H: (Now looking at Loki's crotch) Not any better down here either.
-The launch has docked on shore-
S: I'm off to my room. And the facilities. The fumes out there have made me a bit nauseous.
H: UNTIE ME!!
L: Why?
H: I have to help Fred film!
L: Do promise to hurt him?
H: In ways even you wouldn't think of.
L: That's sounds quite promising. Go Go Go!
-Harold runs off to the lodge with mighty BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
Sh: Was that a wise thing to do?
L: He's suffered enough for the time being. Besides, the more he hurts Fred before we take him down, the better.
Sc: Ruys! Rover ry rhe ran!
-Red has accumulated an even larger pile of stuff from the van-
R: Hey fellas! Come on over here! I found something interesting!
L: What's that, Red?
R: I overheard you three talking about mysterious contracts. I may have found something that would explain them.
-Red holds up a DVD with Fred, Daphne, Shaggy, Velma, and Scooby on it-
Sh: What is this? "Scooby Doo, Where are you?"
L: Look back here! The van is full of computer equipment. There's a DVD player in here, too. Pop that thing in here. You'll need to wade through the sea of identical clothes. Why are there fifty identical outfits for everyone back here?
Sh: I thought it was to avoid paying for laundry. Here goes.
TV: Scooby dooby doo…where are you…we've got some work to do now…
L: That's catchy.
-Inside the Lodge-
H: Fred. I never thought I would have to say this to due its extreme redundancy, but would you come out of the closet?
F: (From inside closet) No.
H: Come on, Fred. We have to do the final shot. You're almost done.
F: No way am I coming out! I know what you mean by shot. And by final! I am almost done! I want to be done years later in life!
H: Fred, considering that you been going for thirty years longer than you ever should have, I won't even acknowledge that. If you won't come out on your own, then I have ways to bringing you out. My red-haired seductress! Would you do the honors, please?
D: KIIIII-YAAAAA!!!
-SMASH! The door explodes under the power of Daphne's blow-
H: Ooohhh…I feel quite aroused. Was it good for you as well, my sweet?
-Daphne is dragging Fred out by his neck and smiling evilly-
D: It is now.
F: UCK! Malt time!
-Fred throws a malt in Daphne's face. With seconds, she has gone limp on the floor.
H: You bastard. I was thoroughly enjoying that scene. Very well. It is time for YOUR scene! Now Fred, I want you to do something I know you will find very difficult. I want you to make love to Daphne.
F: You want me to what?
H: Come now, Fred! This may be beyond your…scope, but in thirty-three years, you never even once entertained the thought of seducing that vixen? Dig down deep, find your passion, and let it flow!
-Fred holds Daphne in his arms, and looks at her for a moment. He tries to find what he needs to make it work. He drops her-
F: I can't do it.
H: I was afraid this might happen. Wait a moment. I have an idea.
-A moment later. Fred, now holds Daphne gently yet strongly in his arms. He leans in close, and speaks with fiery passion-
F: My dear sweet darling, I love you. I have loved you from the first moment I saw you. My life is nothing without you making it the most cherished moments of my existence.
-Fred leans in close and plants a long, deep kiss in Daphne's face-
H: YES! Perfect! I knew it would work! Fred!
F: I love everything about you, and the stars are nothing compared to your beauty…
H: Fred! Let her go! The shot is done!
F: No!
H: Give her back, you egomaniac!
-Harold yanks Daphne away, who has a mirror duct taped to her face-
-Back at the van-
L: WHAT THE FUCK?
-They have torn the front seat out the van, and are using it as a couch. They now have popcorn and sodas, and have gotten through the first season DVD.
L: Where am I? I'm not in any of these episodes! I remember the Black Knight, and those others. All the way up to that freaky robot. The first thirteen episodes should have me in them! Instead there's Fred standing in all the places I was in, and doing all the things I was doing. How? He was always behind that camera.
Sh: These things are spliced together from all the old ghost chases we had. It looks like Fred just cut everything together in a hurry. He even used the same shots over and over in every episode.
L: That would explain all the clothes. If you wore the same stuff all the time, then he could use any shot from anytime anywhere. He must have edited me out, and stuck himself in my place. You guys must be rolling in bank from royalties from this stuff.
Sc: Ri ron't ret rit. Re rever rot rany roney.
L: I don't get it either. Nearly all these ghost chases took place in the United States. I realize that Shaggy and Scooby have been stuck in that van for an insanely long time, but I should have seen things on TV sometime. I've been in that country long enough. Sometimes it feels like too long.
R: Did anyone notice the distribution areas on that show? All these contracts are to TV stations in Europe.
Sh: Probably so we would never know that this was going on.
R: Say, what's this? Check this out.
-Red is holding another DVD. It reads "Scooby-Doo, season one. Unedited Master Copy" The picture on the cover contains Loki –
L: There I am!
-A few episodes later-
L: I think I'm going to be sick.
Sc: Row.
R: Couldn't have said it better myself.
Sh: Are you sure that's really you, Loki?
L: I cannot believe this. How could Fred have done this to me? What happened to booze, the women, the gambling, and my beating the snot out the ghosts and the cops? This footage makes me look like Captain America, Doc Savage, Superman, and every other squeaky-clean super-hero rolled into one. What a stupid thing to do.
R: Pure genius, actually.
L: Huh? Did you just use the words 'Fred' and 'genius' together in the same sentence?
Sc: Rand rnot ret rit ry rightning?
Sh: What are you talking about?
R: The realities of commercial television. Look, what Fred has done is combine the elements of two staples of the major networks, the action- adventure genre and the situation comedy, into a single form. Totally unique and quite an accomplishment.
L: Fred?
R: Yes, Fred. And if the dates on these contracts are accurate, he had a show on TV where a group of teenagers were routinely demonstrating themselves of not only being capable of acting responsibly without the constricting presence of the traditional adult authority figure, but were also routinely uncovering the schemes of those White, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant, middle-age deviants who had succeeded in pulling the wool over the eyes of the inept law enforcement agencies. Quite an appealing concept to the children of that time.
L: FRED??????
R: Would you stop saying that? YES, FRED!!! However, he's been limited by the constraints of each venue. Action-adventure shows demand changing settings and casts; situation comedies require familiar characters performing against static scenery. What Fred has done is create a show that revolves around a fixed group of characters that interact in repetitive situations against an ever-changing background of situations and minor characters. That's one of the reasons that neither the Mystery Machine nor the costumes ever seemed to change.
L: What you're saying is that he got us acting like idiots with a bunch of hicks and running around a bunch of dilapidated ruins.
R: That's about it in a nutshell.
Sc: Rummer.
R: Yeah, unfortunately he also incorporated a bunch of flaws from each type into his final product.
Sh: So what else would you have expected from Fred?
R: Well, it's not all his fault. The average half-hour television show really consists of a mere nineteen minutes worth of story as opposed to forty-one for the average hour show. For Fred to make this all work he had to reduce the plots down to the most elementary structures and make the rest of you into various melodramatic stereotypes.
Sc: Ruch Ras?
R: You and the beanpole become the comic relief. Any hair-raising, certain death situation that Fred maneuvered you into routinely becomes humorous because the audience expects it of you. They can laugh at your peril because they intuitively know you will survive it.
Sh: The bastards.
R: It's what they're conditioned to do. It's a staple of the genre. Happened to Laurel and Hardy and Abbott and Costello all the time. Besides, the girls got it in the neck, too. Daphne becomes the eye candy that is always going to say the worst possible thing, open the wrong door, take the wrong step, and all at the worst possible time. Poor Velma became the lamest of all cliches, the intelligent yet unattractive female. Smart enough to be of use to the hero, but never attractive enough to him to be of any threat to him accomplishing his designated mission.
L: And that hero, at least for the first thirteen episodes . . .
R: Was you, strange as that may seem. That's why he had to edit out all of your . . . shall we say, extra curricular activities. He remade you into the Great White Hunter, the ultimate defender of all Western European, Judeo-Christian style virtues. Couldn't very well have you acting in an immoral fashion, now could he?
L: Man. Now I really have a reason to hate his guts.
Sh: And you make Stone look like Doctor Doom.
Sc: Ron't ralk rad rabout Rister Rone.
L: Shut up, Scooby. Shit. Red, you said these were broadcast in Europe? No wonder Stone knew everyone. He's seen the show. He must not have seen these episodes. He thinks too highly of me already. If he ever saw these, I'll never be able to shake his praise.
Sh: Then you won't object to a little…compensation to keep us from leaking this to Stone.
L: You mother fuckers. How much now?
Sh: Ohhh…everything.
L: EVERYTHING!?
Sh: Oh, Stooooooooone?
L: Okay okay okay! You will pay for this one day, Norville.
Sh: Don't blame me. I learned from the master.
L: * sniff * It's always such a pleasure when the student overtakes the master. But that doesn't mean they won't get it up the ass later.
R: You know, you still haven't figured out the deal with those contracts.
L: That's right. We still haven't figured out how you could do that and not know about it.
Sc: Ri rant Rister Rone!
L: Will you shut up about Stone…stone…stonnn…stonED…stoned. Shaggy, about what time did you become more than casual smokers and go into full-blown drug binging?
Sh: It wasn't long after Fred started taking to that malt shop. He introduced to his uncle Equabar from Columbia. I remember walking out of that place singing showtunes and balancing Scooby on my head. We kept going back every other Tuesday.
L: Yeeeeessss…It sounds like this whole thing is coming together. Gentleman, Canine, and Canadian…
R: Hey.
L: Fred has used us as a money making scheme. He's raked in tons of money from our efforts, eliminated any exposure of me, and kept you all in a haze of Columbian Prozac. I know you two don't mind, but I have serious issues against Fred doping up Daphne, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but even Velma. My friends, Fred Jones must die.
-From up the hill from the Lodge-
H: HELP! HELP!
L: Huh?
-Harold is running at breakneck speed down towards them-
H: HELP!
L: Harold, would you give it up? No one is falling for your schemes any longer.
H: It's Daphne! She's in trouble!
L: Harold, if you're joking about this, I'll kill you.
H: Uncle Red! Get Stone immediately!
Sh: He's not joking.
-Red takes off for the lodge. Loki, Harold, Shaggy, and Scooby tear off over the hill-
H: There!
-Daphne is convulsing on the ground in an epileptic seizure. Fred is standing over her with an impatient look-
F: That's not what I told you to do! Stop shaking. You'll ruin the focus.
H: There!
L: Oh shit. Where is Stone?
-Stone is on the scene in an instant with Red in tow-
S: What is happening? Oh no. Loki, restrain her. She may hurt herself.
H: What is wrong with her, Stone?
S: She's gone into epileptic shock. Seems to be a drug overdose.
F: Would a malt help?
-Fred is moving in with a tall glass. In a flash, Loki has knocked the malt out of Fred's hand. POW! Loki clobbers Fred so hard he somersaults across the ground. The malt spills onto Loki's shirt-
S: Mister Jones, if I see you coming near this young lady with those malts again, I may just omit the legal system's involvement in your retribution.
-Never has such a corny threat sounded so ominous-
S: Loki! Hold her. I need to find my gum. I may need a whole pack for this.
Sh: Gum? What's that going to do?
S: This gum stimulates the body's immune system to fight the poison naturally. Here we are. Hold the pack, would you please, Loki? I just need to…yes. It will activate in a moment.
-Daphne's shaking slows, and she lies still-
L: She still has a pulse. We did it.
H: She's going to live. Will she be …affected in any way?
S: No, Mister Green. She will be as good as she ever was.
L: (stifled laughter)
S: What? What did I say? She will be perfectly normal. The only side effect is…
-WHOOSH Daphne has tackled Stone and is tearing his clothes off-
S:…a temporary hormone rush. Loki, could you lend me a hand with Ms. Blake?
L: I'll lend two.
S: Ummm…Loki, whatever you think you have, it's mine.
L: EWWWW!!! I'll try again. Come on, Daphne. Bring it over here.
-WHOOSH Daphne has changed hands and is all over Loki-
L: YES! Do it to me, Daphne! I've been waiting years for this! Yes! YES! YES!
-Before she can continue, Stone utilizes the Sinanju points. Daphne collapses in a relaxed heap-
L: No! NO! NO!
D: Anybody got a cigarette?
-Loki leaps up and grasps Harold-
L: Harold…tell me you got that on film.
H: I couldn't! All the cameras were pointing in different directions! It was if they were…
L and H: operating on different frequencies.
SIZZLE SIZZLE
L: Ummm…this malt is burning through my clothes.
S: Loki, do you have any other clothes?
L: Not anymore.
S: You can use some in my room. We're about the same size. And, Loki?
L: What?
S: Run.
-ZING! Loki takes off in a flash for the Lodge-
-Some time later. Loki has just stepped out the shower in Stone's room. He has a yellow towel wrapped around his head. He passes by a mirror and stops-
L: Wow. Stone and I really do look a lot alike. Except that he's blond and I'm brunette. And he's little taller, and a little broader, and much better…Fuck. I just did it to myself. Well, I said I would, so I will.
-Loki walks out into the room and gathers the titanium baseball bat-
L: Here goes.
-Before he can, a red-haired blur pounces on him and throws him onto the bed. Daphne goes right to work. Loki has no objections-
L: Oh yes, Daphne. Just like that. Yes Daphne, yes, yes…no, Daphne, don't do that. Please don't cry, Daphne. I can't keep my wood if you're crying. Oh well, it's gone now. What is it, Daph?
-Daphne has latched onto Loki's torso, and bawling like a baby. Loki returns the favor, and holds her in a fatherly fashion-
D: It's all become so clear to me now. All these years, riding around in that van. I had a dual musical and academic scholarship to Harvard after high school. Velma was going into the FBI. Shaggy was going onto Notre Dame to play football…what happened to Shaggy?
L: That's a long story. It plays into how Scooby started talking.
D: How did that happen?
L: That's for another time. What matters right now is you.
D: Don't play your games with me, Loki.
L: I'm not that time. Please go on.
D: I remember everything now. Fred was AV geek who had dreams of being a star producer. No one took him seriously. Then he starts following me around because all the boys followed me around. Then after high school, I start tagging along with Velma for the summer before we all went our separate ways in the fall. Velma followed you everywhere. So we went along on your adventures for a while. Then after you left after that robot incident, Fred took us all to that malt shop run by his uncle. Everything else is a blur. Loki, Fred ruined our lives. We all got stuck in a run- down van running from disgruntled old white guys with Fred yelling, "Slow down Bill! You're almost on top of them!" I always wanted to star on TV, but my auditions would always fail. I'm a washed-up failure.
L: Not necessarily. You saw more screen time than you know.
D: What?
L: You'll find out soon enough. Not to worry, Stone and I already have a plan we're about to set into action against Fred. He'll pay for what he's done to you all.
D: Oh thank you, Loki! You don't know what this means to me!
L: It means enough to know I'm helping you.
-Daphne gives him a giant hug and a kiss on the cheek-
L: Daphne?
D: Yes?
L: If you ever tell anyone I was nice, I'll kill you.
D: No one would believe it.
-The door unlatches, and Stone walks in on the naked Loki and semi-naked Daphne-
S: Oh my! I'm sorry. I'll come back.
L: (slipping under the sheets for coverage) Don't worry about it Stone. You didn't interrupt anything.
S: Everyone is ready downstairs. Harold has Red tied to a chair and gagged with duct tape. Fred is setting his lights to capture the moment. Oh, I remembered earlier where the cameras were acting strangely, and your conversation with Harold about the same topic. I examined Scoobert's collar and Norville's shirt, and found these.
-Stone holds up a two mini-radio transmitters with built-in microphones-
S: If I'm not mistaken, there should be…may I examine this, Ms. Blake?
D: I guess.
-Stone picks up Daphne's discarded top, and holds it like a dead rat, being careful not to touch too much of it. He removes another transmitter-
S: I thought so. Loki, Ms. Blake, I suggest you get dressed. This is the moment of action. We have two villains to apprehend downstairs. I am about to…
L: Don't say it.
S:…kill two birds with one Stone!
L: Where's the bat?
S: May I say it, Loki?
L: I guess so.
S: Come on, gang. It's time to solve this mystery!
YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!! IT'S ALMOST DONE! STONE HAS ALL THE CLUES HE NEEDS, AND LOKI JUST NEEDS A FEW MINUTES MORE WITH DAPHNE…BUT THAT'S NOT THE NATURE OF THIS FIC. THERE WILL BE NO LEMONS COMING FROM THIS AUTHOR, NO WAY. UNLESS I GET PROPER MOTIVATION. TWENTIES AND FIFTIES WILL DO QUITE WELL. NONSEQUENTIAL, UNMARKED, NO BILL CLINTONS ON THEM. LEAVE IT BEHIND THE HOT WATER PIPES IN THE MEN'S WASHROOM IN LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND. OH WAIT, THAT'S MONTY PYTHON'S BLACKMAIL.
-Inside the Possum Swamp Nuclear Facility. Wayland Smithers is looking through a high-powered telescope.
Burns: Smithers! Are you keeping a close watch on that Boy Scout camp? Can't have them snooping around the plant.
Smithers: Oh, yes. Thank you, sir.
B: What are they doing now?
S: They're having a swim meet, Mr. Burns. Oh dear.
B: What is it, Smithers?
S: It's a launch, sir.
B: Launch? Excellent. If they swim before waiting an hour, they might all get cramps and drown.
Sm: No, sir. A LAUNCH. It's a type of boat. It's heading across the swamp right toward us.
B: Well, who's in it?
Sm: Its Philo Stone, sir.
B: Stone? Curses! He's found us again! Quick! Gather the supplies! We're fleeing to Canada!
Sm: Mr. Burns, we're already in Canada.
B: Drat! I keep forgetting. It's that darn swamp. I keep thinking we're in Florida.
Sm: Sir?
B: What, Smithers?
Sm: There are some more on the boat.
B: Who else?
Sm: Umm…there are some…
B: Don't say it.
Sm:…meddling kids, sir.
B: That's all we need! Release the Kraken!
Sm: Mr. Burns, the Kraken has been stoned out of its mind ever since it ate that barge. There's also a
talking dog on the boat.
B: A TALKING DOG? Double Drat! If it had been some meddling kids and a talking shark, we might have stood a chance. At least it's not a three- eyed fish. I thought that radiation leak had been repaired.
Sm: The man you hired used duct tape to patch the hole. It's not a very good insulator.
B: Triple Drat! That's the last time I hire local help! Our operation has been exposed! Stone will be
here at any moment! We have to get out of here!
Sm: But where, Mr. Burns?
B: First Springfield, then Canada. We need to find another desolate wasteland ripe for criminal activity!
Where can we go, Smithers?
Sm: There's Montana, sir.
B: Ick! Even I have standards!
Sm: What about Mos Eisley, sir?
B: Excellent! Prepare the hyperdrive, and set a course for Tatooine!
-The top of the nuclear plant opens and a starship blasts out of the atmosphere. It vanishes in a burst
of light.
S: What was that?
L: I'm not sure, but whatever it was, whatever believability factor we had left just went with it.
Sh: Mr. Stone?
S: Yes, Shaggy?
Sh: What are we doing out here again?
S: Loki has told me that several of the Phantoms have been giving off a green glow after emerging from the swamp area. So I'm doing an atmospheric scan to see if I can detect any sort of abnormalities in the ecosystem.
–Stone holds a high-tech device in his hand and is taking readings-
S: This is astounding. And a bit disturbing.
Sh: What is it?
S: The warm is abnormally warm. We've established that already. What is quite odd is that the water is actually warmer nearer to the bottom than at the surface. And the radiation I'm picking up seems quite familiar.
Sh: Familiar? How?
S: I've come across this particular radiation once before. In a town called Springfield. It comes from only one source I've ever found. And it has a peculiar side effect.
L: (Glowing green) Must destroy mankind…
S: Ah yes, just as I suspected. It is easily counteracted, though.
-Stone produces a donut-
L: Sprinkles…
-The glow subsides-
S: See? He's much better.
-KOONK! Loki walks into the cabin door-
L: D'OH!
S: Though there is some lingering stupidity.
-Scooby notices a black sludge oozing into the water out of a large pipe-
Sc: Rook! ROIL!
S: No, no, Scoobert. That's not oil, that…I just talked to the dog again.
L: Don't worry, Stone. After a while, it becomes habitual.
S: Yeeeees…as I was saying, that is not oil. That is in fact…
Sh: What's that nasty ass smell? LOKI!
L: It wasn't me! It was…Harold!
H: Oh sure. Pin it on the guy in a dress and tied to a steering wheel.
Sh: What is that? It smells like…
L: That's too nasty to stand! We're getting out of here!
-Loki gives the wheel a hard spin to turn the boat 180-
H: WHOAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
-Heading back to shore-
S: I think I've procured enough data to piece together the composition of that lake. When we return to land, I'll run it through the chemical analyzer I have in my room, and make a formal conclusion.
L: Stone? You have a chemical analyzer in your room at the Lodge?
S: Why certainly. I have my entire crime laboratory there. I am here on official business. The only true drawback to my location is that I have the toilet. That may not sound like much, but Red explained to me that there is only sufficient plumbing at the Lodge to support one line, being that Red uses so much equipment on his…other projects. So when I say I have the toilet, I have THE toilet. It's quite aggravating after a lodge meeting with three kegs.
L: That's all fascinating. Harold? Must you stare at me while I'm steering? It's quite distracting.
H: Not much else to look at besides your uncanny resemblance to a certain blond fellow.
L: Let me improve your view, then.
-Loki spins the wheel upside down. He glances down at Harold's underwear now staring him in the face-
L: UGH. This is not an improvement.
H: (Now looking at Loki's crotch) Not any better down here either.
-The launch has docked on shore-
S: I'm off to my room. And the facilities. The fumes out there have made me a bit nauseous.
H: UNTIE ME!!
L: Why?
H: I have to help Fred film!
L: Do promise to hurt him?
H: In ways even you wouldn't think of.
L: That's sounds quite promising. Go Go Go!
-Harold runs off to the lodge with mighty BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
Sh: Was that a wise thing to do?
L: He's suffered enough for the time being. Besides, the more he hurts Fred before we take him down, the better.
Sc: Ruys! Rover ry rhe ran!
-Red has accumulated an even larger pile of stuff from the van-
R: Hey fellas! Come on over here! I found something interesting!
L: What's that, Red?
R: I overheard you three talking about mysterious contracts. I may have found something that would explain them.
-Red holds up a DVD with Fred, Daphne, Shaggy, Velma, and Scooby on it-
Sh: What is this? "Scooby Doo, Where are you?"
L: Look back here! The van is full of computer equipment. There's a DVD player in here, too. Pop that thing in here. You'll need to wade through the sea of identical clothes. Why are there fifty identical outfits for everyone back here?
Sh: I thought it was to avoid paying for laundry. Here goes.
TV: Scooby dooby doo…where are you…we've got some work to do now…
L: That's catchy.
-Inside the Lodge-
H: Fred. I never thought I would have to say this to due its extreme redundancy, but would you come out of the closet?
F: (From inside closet) No.
H: Come on, Fred. We have to do the final shot. You're almost done.
F: No way am I coming out! I know what you mean by shot. And by final! I am almost done! I want to be done years later in life!
H: Fred, considering that you been going for thirty years longer than you ever should have, I won't even acknowledge that. If you won't come out on your own, then I have ways to bringing you out. My red-haired seductress! Would you do the honors, please?
D: KIIIII-YAAAAA!!!
-SMASH! The door explodes under the power of Daphne's blow-
H: Ooohhh…I feel quite aroused. Was it good for you as well, my sweet?
-Daphne is dragging Fred out by his neck and smiling evilly-
D: It is now.
F: UCK! Malt time!
-Fred throws a malt in Daphne's face. With seconds, she has gone limp on the floor.
H: You bastard. I was thoroughly enjoying that scene. Very well. It is time for YOUR scene! Now Fred, I want you to do something I know you will find very difficult. I want you to make love to Daphne.
F: You want me to what?
H: Come now, Fred! This may be beyond your…scope, but in thirty-three years, you never even once entertained the thought of seducing that vixen? Dig down deep, find your passion, and let it flow!
-Fred holds Daphne in his arms, and looks at her for a moment. He tries to find what he needs to make it work. He drops her-
F: I can't do it.
H: I was afraid this might happen. Wait a moment. I have an idea.
-A moment later. Fred, now holds Daphne gently yet strongly in his arms. He leans in close, and speaks with fiery passion-
F: My dear sweet darling, I love you. I have loved you from the first moment I saw you. My life is nothing without you making it the most cherished moments of my existence.
-Fred leans in close and plants a long, deep kiss in Daphne's face-
H: YES! Perfect! I knew it would work! Fred!
F: I love everything about you, and the stars are nothing compared to your beauty…
H: Fred! Let her go! The shot is done!
F: No!
H: Give her back, you egomaniac!
-Harold yanks Daphne away, who has a mirror duct taped to her face-
-Back at the van-
L: WHAT THE FUCK?
-They have torn the front seat out the van, and are using it as a couch. They now have popcorn and sodas, and have gotten through the first season DVD.
L: Where am I? I'm not in any of these episodes! I remember the Black Knight, and those others. All the way up to that freaky robot. The first thirteen episodes should have me in them! Instead there's Fred standing in all the places I was in, and doing all the things I was doing. How? He was always behind that camera.
Sh: These things are spliced together from all the old ghost chases we had. It looks like Fred just cut everything together in a hurry. He even used the same shots over and over in every episode.
L: That would explain all the clothes. If you wore the same stuff all the time, then he could use any shot from anytime anywhere. He must have edited me out, and stuck himself in my place. You guys must be rolling in bank from royalties from this stuff.
Sc: Ri ron't ret rit. Re rever rot rany roney.
L: I don't get it either. Nearly all these ghost chases took place in the United States. I realize that Shaggy and Scooby have been stuck in that van for an insanely long time, but I should have seen things on TV sometime. I've been in that country long enough. Sometimes it feels like too long.
R: Did anyone notice the distribution areas on that show? All these contracts are to TV stations in Europe.
Sh: Probably so we would never know that this was going on.
R: Say, what's this? Check this out.
-Red is holding another DVD. It reads "Scooby-Doo, season one. Unedited Master Copy" The picture on the cover contains Loki –
L: There I am!
-A few episodes later-
L: I think I'm going to be sick.
Sc: Row.
R: Couldn't have said it better myself.
Sh: Are you sure that's really you, Loki?
L: I cannot believe this. How could Fred have done this to me? What happened to booze, the women, the gambling, and my beating the snot out the ghosts and the cops? This footage makes me look like Captain America, Doc Savage, Superman, and every other squeaky-clean super-hero rolled into one. What a stupid thing to do.
R: Pure genius, actually.
L: Huh? Did you just use the words 'Fred' and 'genius' together in the same sentence?
Sc: Rand rnot ret rit ry rightning?
Sh: What are you talking about?
R: The realities of commercial television. Look, what Fred has done is combine the elements of two staples of the major networks, the action- adventure genre and the situation comedy, into a single form. Totally unique and quite an accomplishment.
L: Fred?
R: Yes, Fred. And if the dates on these contracts are accurate, he had a show on TV where a group of teenagers were routinely demonstrating themselves of not only being capable of acting responsibly without the constricting presence of the traditional adult authority figure, but were also routinely uncovering the schemes of those White, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant, middle-age deviants who had succeeded in pulling the wool over the eyes of the inept law enforcement agencies. Quite an appealing concept to the children of that time.
L: FRED??????
R: Would you stop saying that? YES, FRED!!! However, he's been limited by the constraints of each venue. Action-adventure shows demand changing settings and casts; situation comedies require familiar characters performing against static scenery. What Fred has done is create a show that revolves around a fixed group of characters that interact in repetitive situations against an ever-changing background of situations and minor characters. That's one of the reasons that neither the Mystery Machine nor the costumes ever seemed to change.
L: What you're saying is that he got us acting like idiots with a bunch of hicks and running around a bunch of dilapidated ruins.
R: That's about it in a nutshell.
Sc: Rummer.
R: Yeah, unfortunately he also incorporated a bunch of flaws from each type into his final product.
Sh: So what else would you have expected from Fred?
R: Well, it's not all his fault. The average half-hour television show really consists of a mere nineteen minutes worth of story as opposed to forty-one for the average hour show. For Fred to make this all work he had to reduce the plots down to the most elementary structures and make the rest of you into various melodramatic stereotypes.
Sc: Ruch Ras?
R: You and the beanpole become the comic relief. Any hair-raising, certain death situation that Fred maneuvered you into routinely becomes humorous because the audience expects it of you. They can laugh at your peril because they intuitively know you will survive it.
Sh: The bastards.
R: It's what they're conditioned to do. It's a staple of the genre. Happened to Laurel and Hardy and Abbott and Costello all the time. Besides, the girls got it in the neck, too. Daphne becomes the eye candy that is always going to say the worst possible thing, open the wrong door, take the wrong step, and all at the worst possible time. Poor Velma became the lamest of all cliches, the intelligent yet unattractive female. Smart enough to be of use to the hero, but never attractive enough to him to be of any threat to him accomplishing his designated mission.
L: And that hero, at least for the first thirteen episodes . . .
R: Was you, strange as that may seem. That's why he had to edit out all of your . . . shall we say, extra curricular activities. He remade you into the Great White Hunter, the ultimate defender of all Western European, Judeo-Christian style virtues. Couldn't very well have you acting in an immoral fashion, now could he?
L: Man. Now I really have a reason to hate his guts.
Sh: And you make Stone look like Doctor Doom.
Sc: Ron't ralk rad rabout Rister Rone.
L: Shut up, Scooby. Shit. Red, you said these were broadcast in Europe? No wonder Stone knew everyone. He's seen the show. He must not have seen these episodes. He thinks too highly of me already. If he ever saw these, I'll never be able to shake his praise.
Sh: Then you won't object to a little…compensation to keep us from leaking this to Stone.
L: You mother fuckers. How much now?
Sh: Ohhh…everything.
L: EVERYTHING!?
Sh: Oh, Stooooooooone?
L: Okay okay okay! You will pay for this one day, Norville.
Sh: Don't blame me. I learned from the master.
L: * sniff * It's always such a pleasure when the student overtakes the master. But that doesn't mean they won't get it up the ass later.
R: You know, you still haven't figured out the deal with those contracts.
L: That's right. We still haven't figured out how you could do that and not know about it.
Sc: Ri rant Rister Rone!
L: Will you shut up about Stone…stone…stonnn…stonED…stoned. Shaggy, about what time did you become more than casual smokers and go into full-blown drug binging?
Sh: It wasn't long after Fred started taking to that malt shop. He introduced to his uncle Equabar from Columbia. I remember walking out of that place singing showtunes and balancing Scooby on my head. We kept going back every other Tuesday.
L: Yeeeeessss…It sounds like this whole thing is coming together. Gentleman, Canine, and Canadian…
R: Hey.
L: Fred has used us as a money making scheme. He's raked in tons of money from our efforts, eliminated any exposure of me, and kept you all in a haze of Columbian Prozac. I know you two don't mind, but I have serious issues against Fred doping up Daphne, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but even Velma. My friends, Fred Jones must die.
-From up the hill from the Lodge-
H: HELP! HELP!
L: Huh?
-Harold is running at breakneck speed down towards them-
H: HELP!
L: Harold, would you give it up? No one is falling for your schemes any longer.
H: It's Daphne! She's in trouble!
L: Harold, if you're joking about this, I'll kill you.
H: Uncle Red! Get Stone immediately!
Sh: He's not joking.
-Red takes off for the lodge. Loki, Harold, Shaggy, and Scooby tear off over the hill-
H: There!
-Daphne is convulsing on the ground in an epileptic seizure. Fred is standing over her with an impatient look-
F: That's not what I told you to do! Stop shaking. You'll ruin the focus.
H: There!
L: Oh shit. Where is Stone?
-Stone is on the scene in an instant with Red in tow-
S: What is happening? Oh no. Loki, restrain her. She may hurt herself.
H: What is wrong with her, Stone?
S: She's gone into epileptic shock. Seems to be a drug overdose.
F: Would a malt help?
-Fred is moving in with a tall glass. In a flash, Loki has knocked the malt out of Fred's hand. POW! Loki clobbers Fred so hard he somersaults across the ground. The malt spills onto Loki's shirt-
S: Mister Jones, if I see you coming near this young lady with those malts again, I may just omit the legal system's involvement in your retribution.
-Never has such a corny threat sounded so ominous-
S: Loki! Hold her. I need to find my gum. I may need a whole pack for this.
Sh: Gum? What's that going to do?
S: This gum stimulates the body's immune system to fight the poison naturally. Here we are. Hold the pack, would you please, Loki? I just need to…yes. It will activate in a moment.
-Daphne's shaking slows, and she lies still-
L: She still has a pulse. We did it.
H: She's going to live. Will she be …affected in any way?
S: No, Mister Green. She will be as good as she ever was.
L: (stifled laughter)
S: What? What did I say? She will be perfectly normal. The only side effect is…
-WHOOSH Daphne has tackled Stone and is tearing his clothes off-
S:…a temporary hormone rush. Loki, could you lend me a hand with Ms. Blake?
L: I'll lend two.
S: Ummm…Loki, whatever you think you have, it's mine.
L: EWWWW!!! I'll try again. Come on, Daphne. Bring it over here.
-WHOOSH Daphne has changed hands and is all over Loki-
L: YES! Do it to me, Daphne! I've been waiting years for this! Yes! YES! YES!
-Before she can continue, Stone utilizes the Sinanju points. Daphne collapses in a relaxed heap-
L: No! NO! NO!
D: Anybody got a cigarette?
-Loki leaps up and grasps Harold-
L: Harold…tell me you got that on film.
H: I couldn't! All the cameras were pointing in different directions! It was if they were…
L and H: operating on different frequencies.
SIZZLE SIZZLE
L: Ummm…this malt is burning through my clothes.
S: Loki, do you have any other clothes?
L: Not anymore.
S: You can use some in my room. We're about the same size. And, Loki?
L: What?
S: Run.
-ZING! Loki takes off in a flash for the Lodge-
-Some time later. Loki has just stepped out the shower in Stone's room. He has a yellow towel wrapped around his head. He passes by a mirror and stops-
L: Wow. Stone and I really do look a lot alike. Except that he's blond and I'm brunette. And he's little taller, and a little broader, and much better…Fuck. I just did it to myself. Well, I said I would, so I will.
-Loki walks out into the room and gathers the titanium baseball bat-
L: Here goes.
-Before he can, a red-haired blur pounces on him and throws him onto the bed. Daphne goes right to work. Loki has no objections-
L: Oh yes, Daphne. Just like that. Yes Daphne, yes, yes…no, Daphne, don't do that. Please don't cry, Daphne. I can't keep my wood if you're crying. Oh well, it's gone now. What is it, Daph?
-Daphne has latched onto Loki's torso, and bawling like a baby. Loki returns the favor, and holds her in a fatherly fashion-
D: It's all become so clear to me now. All these years, riding around in that van. I had a dual musical and academic scholarship to Harvard after high school. Velma was going into the FBI. Shaggy was going onto Notre Dame to play football…what happened to Shaggy?
L: That's a long story. It plays into how Scooby started talking.
D: How did that happen?
L: That's for another time. What matters right now is you.
D: Don't play your games with me, Loki.
L: I'm not that time. Please go on.
D: I remember everything now. Fred was AV geek who had dreams of being a star producer. No one took him seriously. Then he starts following me around because all the boys followed me around. Then after high school, I start tagging along with Velma for the summer before we all went our separate ways in the fall. Velma followed you everywhere. So we went along on your adventures for a while. Then after you left after that robot incident, Fred took us all to that malt shop run by his uncle. Everything else is a blur. Loki, Fred ruined our lives. We all got stuck in a run- down van running from disgruntled old white guys with Fred yelling, "Slow down Bill! You're almost on top of them!" I always wanted to star on TV, but my auditions would always fail. I'm a washed-up failure.
L: Not necessarily. You saw more screen time than you know.
D: What?
L: You'll find out soon enough. Not to worry, Stone and I already have a plan we're about to set into action against Fred. He'll pay for what he's done to you all.
D: Oh thank you, Loki! You don't know what this means to me!
L: It means enough to know I'm helping you.
-Daphne gives him a giant hug and a kiss on the cheek-
L: Daphne?
D: Yes?
L: If you ever tell anyone I was nice, I'll kill you.
D: No one would believe it.
-The door unlatches, and Stone walks in on the naked Loki and semi-naked Daphne-
S: Oh my! I'm sorry. I'll come back.
L: (slipping under the sheets for coverage) Don't worry about it Stone. You didn't interrupt anything.
S: Everyone is ready downstairs. Harold has Red tied to a chair and gagged with duct tape. Fred is setting his lights to capture the moment. Oh, I remembered earlier where the cameras were acting strangely, and your conversation with Harold about the same topic. I examined Scoobert's collar and Norville's shirt, and found these.
-Stone holds up a two mini-radio transmitters with built-in microphones-
S: If I'm not mistaken, there should be…may I examine this, Ms. Blake?
D: I guess.
-Stone picks up Daphne's discarded top, and holds it like a dead rat, being careful not to touch too much of it. He removes another transmitter-
S: I thought so. Loki, Ms. Blake, I suggest you get dressed. This is the moment of action. We have two villains to apprehend downstairs. I am about to…
L: Don't say it.
S:…kill two birds with one Stone!
L: Where's the bat?
S: May I say it, Loki?
L: I guess so.
S: Come on, gang. It's time to solve this mystery!
YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!! IT'S ALMOST DONE! STONE HAS ALL THE CLUES HE NEEDS, AND LOKI JUST NEEDS A FEW MINUTES MORE WITH DAPHNE…BUT THAT'S NOT THE NATURE OF THIS FIC. THERE WILL BE NO LEMONS COMING FROM THIS AUTHOR, NO WAY. UNLESS I GET PROPER MOTIVATION. TWENTIES AND FIFTIES WILL DO QUITE WELL. NONSEQUENTIAL, UNMARKED, NO BILL CLINTONS ON THEM. LEAVE IT BEHIND THE HOT WATER PIPES IN THE MEN'S WASHROOM IN LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND. OH WAIT, THAT'S MONTY PYTHON'S BLACKMAIL.