(Section 12)
-Loki, Stone, and Daphne come downstairs into the lobby of the Possum Lodge. Loki and Stone are both having a hell of a time holding back Daphne, who is thrashing them about with the ferocity of a rabid cheetah, and wants nothing more than to kill Fred. Everyone who is not currently breaking the tantric laws of longevity is present here. Red has once again been wrapped up in duct tape and has been gagged. Harold is holding Fred's camcorder as he is making his expositionary wrap-up revealing whom the villain is before he unmasks him. Of course, it will be hard to unmask Red considering he isn't wearing a mask or a Phlatulent Phantom costume anyway. The other lodge members are still wearing all the costumes, so there aren't any spares. Harold has completely discarded his Velma suit and is now attired in a robe and silk shirt similar to Hugh Hefner's style, and has once again taken to his thin French-style cigarette-
F: And I, Fred, yes, Fred Jones, with no help from Velma… Velma! You're out of costume!
H: Piss off. Fred. Our agreement is complete. I am under no obligation to you now.
L: Are we going to allow this, Stone?
F: Wha…you…I…it doesn't matter! This is MY moment! As I was saying, I have now have undeniable proof of the identity, gained through grievous injuries to my person, of our Phlatulent Phantom! This can of phosphorous paint with a credit card receipt signed by…Red Green! This photograph of our culprit in the Phlatulent Phantom costume, a graphic depiction of…Red Green! And this audio cassette titled, "I Did It By…Red Green"! And last, and most certainly not least, this "Guide to Successful Super-Villainy" with a sticker on it's cover reading, "Property of…Red Green!
H: Give that back! That was only a loan!
F: All of these clues lead me to the inevitable conclusion that the Phlatulent Phantom is none other than…Red Herring!
-SMACK Harold has slapped Fred upside the head-
H: It's GREEN! Red Green! He's sitting right in front of you! How can you be so stupid?
S: All right, I've heard enough. Mr. Jones! I cannot allow this charade to continue.
F: Back off, Stone. You cannot stop me now. The public has finally recognized my brilliance and genius. I'm up for a People's Choice Award!
S: So what? I already have one.
L: I have two.
H: I have three.
F: What? Who else has a People's Choice Award?
-Everyone in the room raises their hand, except for Red. He raises a foot-
F: Even you, Mike? How did you get one?
M: I stole it.
L: Mike…that's completely shameful.
M: No, you don't understand. I found it in the trash.
-He hands it to Loki-
L: This is one of Harold's. It reads, "Cable access character most likely to snap and turn to a life of EEEEEEEEEEVVVVIIIIIIIILLLLLL!!!!!!"
S: Loki? Why did you say it like that?
L: That's how it's spelled, see?
S: Why so it is.
R: MMMMMPPPHHHMMM!!!
L: Oh yeah, we forgot about Red.
RRRIIIIPPPP
R: YYYAAAAAHHH!!!
L: Whoa. That's a lot of beard on this strip.
R: It's about fucking time! I thought they were going to grill me and send me down the river before you guys got here! Where did all that incriminating stuff come from?
F: Where do think it came from? Like all villains, you were so self- absorbed in your plot; you left behind clues that would lead to your eventual capture. Don't feel too bad, Red. Everybody does it.
S: Oh really, Fred? If you wish to discuss self-absorption, perhaps my associate here will bring to light a few truths.
-A figure emerges from the shadows-
All: DABNEY COLEMAN?
S: He is one of my agents, of course.
Co: Correct, but I'm not exactly Dabney Coleman, I'm actually…
-His face comes off-
All: BEN MATLOCK?
F: This doesn't make any sense!
Mat: Like your show ever did? I seem to remember the episode with the land shark. There was no way the villain could have been the woodworker. The timing was completely wrong. But that's not the point here.
F: What do you think you're going to do, Matlock?
H: You're too late, Matlock! The prosecution has already presented evidence that cannot be refuted!
Mat: Oh really? Let's cross-examine this "evidence", shall we? First of all, this can of paint. Any fool can see that this paint is designed to glow under a black light, while the Phantoms that are standing all around us are plainly glowing in normal lighting conditions. Also, if one were to look at the credit card receipt signed, "Red Green", one can plainly that the blue signature made on this consumer copy signed by Harold Green, has been written over in red ink.
H: Ummm…
Mat: Secondly, this photograph of Red Green in the Phantom suit. Does it not seem odd that the photo is in color, and Red's face is black and white? Any fool can see that it has been superimposed.
H: Eek…
Mat: The Guide to Successful Super-Villainy. Couldn't you see that the name Harold has been crossed out and Red had been written in crayon above it?
H: Ugh…
Mat: And this cassette of Red Green's confession…did anyone here actually play it yet?
F: Um, no.
Mat: Let's do that now, shall we?
-The tape is played. The voice is unmistakably nasal and high-pitched, and the occasional "Huho" and "Eee" leaves no question as to whose voice it is-
Mat: Mister Green? The innocent one, I mean. Can your vocal range reach that high?
R: If you pull hard enough on the duct tape on my groin, maybe.
S: Oh yes, it is time to remove you from those bonds.
R: BE GENTLE!!
H: BE VICIOUS!!
-Stone produces a can of aerosol spray. He sprays Red, and the duct tape dissolves harmlessly-
R: What was that?
S: A special invention. Ready-made duct tape remover.
R: Why do you have that?
S: Why don't you?
R: I have nothing for that.
S: Thank you, Ben. Now that the heat has been removed from Red, it is time to reveal the true culprit here. And to do that, I will turn it over to someone who knows the depths of criminal activity and devious scheming far better than I. Take it away, Loki!
L: Why thank you, Sto…(Loki stops for a moment)…maybe he knows my character better than I thought. Continuing, there is only one person here capable of such dastardly schemes. The pure genius of such acts could have been perpetrated by a villain, no, a GOD possessing of such magnitude of brilliance…
H: Oh pishaw…
L:…a plan that transcends the very highest level of human intellect. One who is the very embodiment of evil so grand that the very denizens of darkness would bow down in reverence in his presence…
H: Please…
L: A criminal mastermind that is the true philosopher stone of evil, that all acts of deviance and atrocity will be forever compared to the unattainable standard that this man has achieved!
H: You're making me blush…
L: And that man, that god among men, the greatest villain of all time, is none other than…MIKE HAMMER!!
M and H: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
M: I can't go to jail! I don't want to see my daddy that bad!
H: You fools! It was me! ME! Harold Green! I was the mastermind behind all of this! When I left for the city, I was witness to the underhanded trickery and deceit that got one ahead in the real world! I learned all I could, and when I came back, I set immediately to overinsuring everything that Uncle Red went near, knowing that they would fall in a glorious burst of duct tape. When I earned enough money from my insurance fraud, I set about corrupting all the members of the Lodge.
L: That isn't much of a challenge.
H: Agreed. After I had them all on my side, I began to buy weaponry from washed-up guerilla armies, and selling them to militias at jacked-up prices! Never has UPS gotten such business from any private customer! They even send me Christmas cards now! And anyone who stood in my way would be publicly humiliated on the show! I would expose their activities to the public by presenting their most embarrassing secrets on public access television! My criminal empire grew to a global scale, and even the most powerful armies on Earth buy their merchandise from me! It could never be Mike Hammer! He lacks the true genius and fortitude to succeed in this operation! The best he could manage was grand theft auto!
M: I have to admit, Loki, you have the best anti-theft system I've ever seen. I've never seen a Lamborghini with ejector seats before.
H: Never mind that! I am the greatest super-villain that ever walked the face of the planet! The single mind behind the most expansive criminal organization that has ever existed! ME! ME! ME!
L: Did you get all that, Stone?
S: Sure did.
-Stone pulls a tape recorder from his pants pocket-
H: What? You set me up? How can this be?
S: I'm afraid your time is up, Harold.
H: This cannot be happening! I followed the Guide to Successful Super- Villainy to the letter!
L: Yes, speaking of that. Harold, did you by any chance read the last page?
H: Umm…no.
L: Figures. No one ever finishes books any more. They always skim. Have a look, Harold.
H: Rule number 300. "Never, ever, ever, under any circumstance, cross Philo Stone". CURSES!! How did you know?
L: Read the rule above it.
H: 299. "Never trust the author of this book." The author?
L: Look at the cover, Harold.
H: Written by: Loki Gwydion?
L: He he he.
S: What about Stone? How did he know my every step?
L: Look at the publisher.
H: Stone's Throw Publications. AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!
L: You just figured it out, Harold. We knew every move you were going to make.
S: Indeed. It makes it much easier to capture the villains when they follow Loki's and my advice.
H: Loki? Why would you give away your villainous secrets to the public?
L: Royalties, of course.
S: What does he mean by villainous secrets, Loki?
L: I've learned from experience, just like you.
S: Ah.
H: This is intolerable! I've been torn from my position, been humiliated in front of my minions, lost my empire, and been duped into following a book that has lead to my downfall!
L: Dude, you wouldn't have failed if Stone hadn't been here.
H: I suppose that is true. Very well. From this moment on, I swear eternal vengeance on…you, Loki!
L: ME? What did I do? Stone's the one who's bringing you down.
H: I am aware of that. But I have a chance against you.
L: Oh thanks.
H: So, Stone, I take it you know about everything that has gone down out here?
S: For the most part.
H: You know about the blackmail?
S: Yes.
H: The weapons dealing?
S: Yes.
H: The extortion?
S: Yes.
H: The drugs?
S: The what?
-ZING In an inhuman burst of speed, Loki has grabbed Shaggy and Scooby and is running out to the swamp. An UPS truck is backing up toward the lodge-
L: Yo dude!
UPS guy: Yeah?
L: Whatcha here for?
UPS: I've got a pickup for a bargeload of some sort of botanical supplies!
L: Excellent! There's been a change of recipient. The…supplies are being rerouted to Texas.
UPS: Whatever, dude.
Sh: Texas?
Sc: Rhat ror?
L: I live in Texas, remember? I'll send the weed there. I won't have to hide it on the way back, and it won't raise suspicion with a HazMat sticker.
Sh: Oh.
L: Hurry, guys! Load it on the truck!
-As the three enterprising thieves are loading the weed; they can still hear what is being said inside the lodge-
S: You were trafficking narcotics as well, Harold?
H: Well, yes. I was growing marijuana out on the swamp.
S: Out on the swamp? Harold, do you realize what is in that swamp?
H: Certainly. An ideal growing environment. The water was amazingly warm and rich with nutrients.
S: Yes, true. Do you know why it was that way?
H: It wasn't a freak climate pocket?
S: Not exactly. Harold, did you ever notice the large nuclear power plant that was powering your underground lair was right next to the water?
H: You don't mean…
S: The water was so warm because the swamp served as the cooling pool for the nuclear reactor. That would be why everything that emerged from the swamp glowed.
H: But, I thought the leak was fixed.
R: Harold, Monty Burns hired me to patch the radiation leak.
H: Shit.
-Outside. Loki has heard that. He is looking at the glowing weed-
L: Umm…it's still good. I can still use it. Besides, it's ultra-potent now.
-Inside-
S: Yes, speaking of that, there is another factor to mention. The rich nutrients in the water. Harold, did you ever notice the sewer pipe that was dumping sludge into the swamp?
H: So? The swamp can handle some waste.
S: Waste. Again, well put. Red mentioned to me once when I brought up the lack of sufficient plumbing that the sewer system had never been completed. To compensate, and to hide their error, they directed all the effluence into the swamp as a final settling pool.
H: Oh no…
S: Yes, Harold. You're up to your knees in shit in more ways than one.
-Outside-
L: Oh yucky. This stuff can stay here after all.
-Rushing inside-
Sh: Mister Stone! We found the weed! It's out in an UPS truck set to send it to T…
L: Taiwan! Yeah, it's being sent to Taiwan!
H: Ah yes, my vengeance begins! Stone! Loki has been a steady customer for years! He's just as guilty as I am! If I am going down, he must go with me!
L: Uh oh…
S: Now, Harold, you were doing so well. Don't cross the line to pompous villain so near to the end. A proper villain does not resort to such despicable acts.
H: Wha…he…oh, all right.
S: I am very pleased, Harold. In honor of fantastic debut, I award you with this bottle of champagne.
H: Don Perrinion 1990? You mean I'm a CHAMPAGNE VILLAIN?
S: Yes, you've attained class A villain status. I've never seen anyone come out of the gate so finely as you have.
H: Yes! You like me! You really like me! I just want to thank all the little people! The pickpockets, the extortionists, the thieves, the money launderers; and my Uncle Red, for inflicting constant emotional distress on me and driving me to the breaking point. Sending me over the edge into a dark hole of conniving vengeance lust and motivating me to turn to a life of pure EEEEEEEEVVIIIIIIIILLLL!!!
-SNAP Loki has cuffed Harold-
H: Loki? Why you?
H: You swore eternal vengeance on me. Besides, I rarely get to hear that noise when I'm not in them.
R: Oh, Harold I have something for you, too.
H: A bar of soap?
R: Just to show that there are no hard feelings. Best to start practicing dropping it in the shower.
H: I don't get it.
R: You will. In the end.
F: Well, it seems that everything's been wrapped up here. I'll be going now!
-Fred starts to hobble to the door as best he can considering his crutches. Loki sweeps out his feet with the mop, and Fred hits the floor-
S: What do you just do. Loki?
L: I tripped him with the running gag.
S: Yeeessss…stay a while, Fred. We have things to discuss.
F: Like what? I have done nothing wrong! You can't do anything to me! Besides, I've done nothing to you.
S: This has nothing to do with me, Mister Jones. It has everything to do with what you've done to the Scooby Gang.
-From upstairs-
V: And I'll be the first to confirm that.
-All eyes shoot toward the staircase. All jaws drop. Velma is descending, and moving very slowly, almost sensually, in her grace. Her glasses are gone, her hair is a frazzled mess, and she is wearing Gord's shirt, showcasing the fabulous body that been hiding under that sweater for all those years. A look that could only be imitated by a cat that has gotten the last of the cream is framing her face in a dazzling, naughty smile-
L: Velma! You're…you…tha…gor…HOLY SHIT!
V: I'll take that as a compliment, Loki.
S: Agent Velma! That's where you've been all this time? Where is Agent Gord?
V: Unconscious.
H: My viewers will be happy! Gord broke first!
V: What?
L: Best not to aggravate her now, Harold.
F: How can this be? Velma, you've been working for Stone all this time?
V: Not the entire time. For a majority of it, yes.
S: I was such a fan of Velma's deductive abilities on the show, I arranged a chance for me to meet her several years ago. When we met, she was in such disarray; it was quite obvious that she had been given a dangerously high level of narcotics. I managed to flush her system with my gum; and after that, she told me of what you were doing to the Scooby Gang, Fred. I then offered her a chance to join my team of agents, and to keep watch on your activities. I had planted Gord here to gather intel on Harold's operation, but it seems those two were…previously occupied.
L: Someone was certainly occupied.
S: Now is not the time for jokes, Loki. We lacked the necessary evidence to bring down your operation for years, Fred, but now we have enough to shut you down permanently!
F: What…years? You've been on my tail for that long? Why?
S: There is a very simple reason. For it is not what you did to me or the others present here that truly infuriates me. It is what you did to the true brains of the Scooby Gang. Very early in the show's run, there was another member. He was never named. And soon after the first season, he vanished without a trace or mention. You eliminated him from the great service he performed for detectives everywhere.
L: Stone did see me.
S: That man was the true glory of the Scooby Gang. He found relevant, effective clues. He brought down the villains in an efficient manner, caring nothing for the grossly overdone slapstick theatrical style that became the staple of your show.
L: Whoa. He's laying this on thick.
S: He led the gang by example, never by word. He would never subject Norville and Scoobert, or the lovely ladies of the group, to any task he would not do himself. And many times, he would place his own well-being in risk to ensure the safety of his comrades.
L: Oh shucks. It was never like that. I just didn't want to see anything bad happen to the people I actually liked.
S: And all these qualities lead me to pattern my life after his example, and become a crime fighter!
L: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
-THUD Loki has fainted from shock-
S: Loki?
Sc: Rever rind rim.
S: The dog just talked to me again. I need a vacation. Anyway, Fred, you have exploited these fine people for years without their knowledge. And deceit of that level cannot be allowed to continue.
F: So what? Everything I've done is completely legal! I'm going to be rolling in millions when the film hits theaters! And there is nothing anyone can do! I have contracts from every member for use of their images in any production medium! I will be profiting from this for the rest of my life!
S: Yeesss…concerning those "contracts" of yours. Norville showed them to me, and I noticed that they are dated two years after the show began. And if what Agent Velma tells me is correct, you started feeding them narcotics one year into the show. Which makes these contracts null and void. Any competent attorney could nullify these with minimal effort. Which means, Mister Jones, that all merchandise profits accumulated from your actions are immediately the property of Ms. Blake, Ms. Dinkley, Mr. Rogers, and my unknown hero.
L: (Coming around) What the hell?
S: If any of you need assistance in acquiring your property, call on my associates.
Sh: Howie…
V: Screwem…
D: And Howel.
Mat: What about me?
Sh: You're finished here, Matlock. Go have some prune juice.
Mat: Right-o!
Sh: I hope he doesn't use the bathroom here. Old man stink is not something to be experienced.
R: You're telling me.
D: Mister Stone!
S: Call me Philo, Ms. Blake.
D: You can call me anything you want, Philo.
-Daphne dips Stone in a very masculine fashion and practically sucks his tongue out of his mouth-
L: Oh no! Daphne attacking Stone again! Don't worry, Stone! I'll help!
S: Rack roff, Roki.
-Daphne drops Stone to the floor when she finishes. He sits there for a few moments completely disoriented, then rises back to his feet-
S: Oh my…Where was I? Oh yes, we've managed to bring down Harold's organization, and have captured the greatest Scooby Doo Villain ever! It looks like that wraps up this mystery!
F: Wait a minute! This is completely unfair! Harold wore Velma's clothes, and completely failed in his plot to destroy everyone, and he was given a bottle of champagne, and the highest praise from the both Stone and Loki! He's leaving this place in a paddy wagon, and he's got even more dignity now than when he started! He's happy to be brought down! What about me? I was thrown down stairs, lead on a wild clue chase, had everyone I ever knew turn on me, lost my merchandising rights, damaged every namable part of my body, and even some things I didn't know I had! I have nothing now! Let me have one moment of glory! Give me one moment to shine!
L: You really want the spotlight, Fred?
F: Of course I do!
L: Very well. (Loki scribbles something on a sheet of paper) Read this.
F: What's my motivation?
L: It'll hit you in a moment.
F: Finally! (He takes his classic butch stance, and inhales deeply. He holds the paper in front of him and begins to read) Wow, you two look almost exactly alike. Except that he's blonde and you're a brunette…
L: Mmhmm…(He is polishing the bat)
F: And he's a little taller…
L: Yup…(He's taking a few practice swings)
F: A little broader in the shoulders…
L: Keep it coming…(He winding up)
F: And much better…
-WANG Loki has slammed the bat straight into Fred's crotch-
F: Ha! You missed!
S: Mister Jones, that's not really something to brag about.
L: I stand aghast. But not for long.
-CRACK Loki spins around and nails a home run on the back of Fred's head-
L: Wow.
S: Didn't even make a scratch. That is the thickest head I've ever seen.
BEGIN END CREDITS! SCOOBY DOOBY DOO…WHERE ARE YOU…BUT WAIT! IS IT REALLY OVER?
-Loki, Stone, and Daphne come downstairs into the lobby of the Possum Lodge. Loki and Stone are both having a hell of a time holding back Daphne, who is thrashing them about with the ferocity of a rabid cheetah, and wants nothing more than to kill Fred. Everyone who is not currently breaking the tantric laws of longevity is present here. Red has once again been wrapped up in duct tape and has been gagged. Harold is holding Fred's camcorder as he is making his expositionary wrap-up revealing whom the villain is before he unmasks him. Of course, it will be hard to unmask Red considering he isn't wearing a mask or a Phlatulent Phantom costume anyway. The other lodge members are still wearing all the costumes, so there aren't any spares. Harold has completely discarded his Velma suit and is now attired in a robe and silk shirt similar to Hugh Hefner's style, and has once again taken to his thin French-style cigarette-
F: And I, Fred, yes, Fred Jones, with no help from Velma… Velma! You're out of costume!
H: Piss off. Fred. Our agreement is complete. I am under no obligation to you now.
L: Are we going to allow this, Stone?
F: Wha…you…I…it doesn't matter! This is MY moment! As I was saying, I have now have undeniable proof of the identity, gained through grievous injuries to my person, of our Phlatulent Phantom! This can of phosphorous paint with a credit card receipt signed by…Red Green! This photograph of our culprit in the Phlatulent Phantom costume, a graphic depiction of…Red Green! And this audio cassette titled, "I Did It By…Red Green"! And last, and most certainly not least, this "Guide to Successful Super-Villainy" with a sticker on it's cover reading, "Property of…Red Green!
H: Give that back! That was only a loan!
F: All of these clues lead me to the inevitable conclusion that the Phlatulent Phantom is none other than…Red Herring!
-SMACK Harold has slapped Fred upside the head-
H: It's GREEN! Red Green! He's sitting right in front of you! How can you be so stupid?
S: All right, I've heard enough. Mr. Jones! I cannot allow this charade to continue.
F: Back off, Stone. You cannot stop me now. The public has finally recognized my brilliance and genius. I'm up for a People's Choice Award!
S: So what? I already have one.
L: I have two.
H: I have three.
F: What? Who else has a People's Choice Award?
-Everyone in the room raises their hand, except for Red. He raises a foot-
F: Even you, Mike? How did you get one?
M: I stole it.
L: Mike…that's completely shameful.
M: No, you don't understand. I found it in the trash.
-He hands it to Loki-
L: This is one of Harold's. It reads, "Cable access character most likely to snap and turn to a life of EEEEEEEEEEVVVVIIIIIIIILLLLLL!!!!!!"
S: Loki? Why did you say it like that?
L: That's how it's spelled, see?
S: Why so it is.
R: MMMMMPPPHHHMMM!!!
L: Oh yeah, we forgot about Red.
RRRIIIIPPPP
R: YYYAAAAAHHH!!!
L: Whoa. That's a lot of beard on this strip.
R: It's about fucking time! I thought they were going to grill me and send me down the river before you guys got here! Where did all that incriminating stuff come from?
F: Where do think it came from? Like all villains, you were so self- absorbed in your plot; you left behind clues that would lead to your eventual capture. Don't feel too bad, Red. Everybody does it.
S: Oh really, Fred? If you wish to discuss self-absorption, perhaps my associate here will bring to light a few truths.
-A figure emerges from the shadows-
All: DABNEY COLEMAN?
S: He is one of my agents, of course.
Co: Correct, but I'm not exactly Dabney Coleman, I'm actually…
-His face comes off-
All: BEN MATLOCK?
F: This doesn't make any sense!
Mat: Like your show ever did? I seem to remember the episode with the land shark. There was no way the villain could have been the woodworker. The timing was completely wrong. But that's not the point here.
F: What do you think you're going to do, Matlock?
H: You're too late, Matlock! The prosecution has already presented evidence that cannot be refuted!
Mat: Oh really? Let's cross-examine this "evidence", shall we? First of all, this can of paint. Any fool can see that this paint is designed to glow under a black light, while the Phantoms that are standing all around us are plainly glowing in normal lighting conditions. Also, if one were to look at the credit card receipt signed, "Red Green", one can plainly that the blue signature made on this consumer copy signed by Harold Green, has been written over in red ink.
H: Ummm…
Mat: Secondly, this photograph of Red Green in the Phantom suit. Does it not seem odd that the photo is in color, and Red's face is black and white? Any fool can see that it has been superimposed.
H: Eek…
Mat: The Guide to Successful Super-Villainy. Couldn't you see that the name Harold has been crossed out and Red had been written in crayon above it?
H: Ugh…
Mat: And this cassette of Red Green's confession…did anyone here actually play it yet?
F: Um, no.
Mat: Let's do that now, shall we?
-The tape is played. The voice is unmistakably nasal and high-pitched, and the occasional "Huho" and "Eee" leaves no question as to whose voice it is-
Mat: Mister Green? The innocent one, I mean. Can your vocal range reach that high?
R: If you pull hard enough on the duct tape on my groin, maybe.
S: Oh yes, it is time to remove you from those bonds.
R: BE GENTLE!!
H: BE VICIOUS!!
-Stone produces a can of aerosol spray. He sprays Red, and the duct tape dissolves harmlessly-
R: What was that?
S: A special invention. Ready-made duct tape remover.
R: Why do you have that?
S: Why don't you?
R: I have nothing for that.
S: Thank you, Ben. Now that the heat has been removed from Red, it is time to reveal the true culprit here. And to do that, I will turn it over to someone who knows the depths of criminal activity and devious scheming far better than I. Take it away, Loki!
L: Why thank you, Sto…(Loki stops for a moment)…maybe he knows my character better than I thought. Continuing, there is only one person here capable of such dastardly schemes. The pure genius of such acts could have been perpetrated by a villain, no, a GOD possessing of such magnitude of brilliance…
H: Oh pishaw…
L:…a plan that transcends the very highest level of human intellect. One who is the very embodiment of evil so grand that the very denizens of darkness would bow down in reverence in his presence…
H: Please…
L: A criminal mastermind that is the true philosopher stone of evil, that all acts of deviance and atrocity will be forever compared to the unattainable standard that this man has achieved!
H: You're making me blush…
L: And that man, that god among men, the greatest villain of all time, is none other than…MIKE HAMMER!!
M and H: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
M: I can't go to jail! I don't want to see my daddy that bad!
H: You fools! It was me! ME! Harold Green! I was the mastermind behind all of this! When I left for the city, I was witness to the underhanded trickery and deceit that got one ahead in the real world! I learned all I could, and when I came back, I set immediately to overinsuring everything that Uncle Red went near, knowing that they would fall in a glorious burst of duct tape. When I earned enough money from my insurance fraud, I set about corrupting all the members of the Lodge.
L: That isn't much of a challenge.
H: Agreed. After I had them all on my side, I began to buy weaponry from washed-up guerilla armies, and selling them to militias at jacked-up prices! Never has UPS gotten such business from any private customer! They even send me Christmas cards now! And anyone who stood in my way would be publicly humiliated on the show! I would expose their activities to the public by presenting their most embarrassing secrets on public access television! My criminal empire grew to a global scale, and even the most powerful armies on Earth buy their merchandise from me! It could never be Mike Hammer! He lacks the true genius and fortitude to succeed in this operation! The best he could manage was grand theft auto!
M: I have to admit, Loki, you have the best anti-theft system I've ever seen. I've never seen a Lamborghini with ejector seats before.
H: Never mind that! I am the greatest super-villain that ever walked the face of the planet! The single mind behind the most expansive criminal organization that has ever existed! ME! ME! ME!
L: Did you get all that, Stone?
S: Sure did.
-Stone pulls a tape recorder from his pants pocket-
H: What? You set me up? How can this be?
S: I'm afraid your time is up, Harold.
H: This cannot be happening! I followed the Guide to Successful Super- Villainy to the letter!
L: Yes, speaking of that. Harold, did you by any chance read the last page?
H: Umm…no.
L: Figures. No one ever finishes books any more. They always skim. Have a look, Harold.
H: Rule number 300. "Never, ever, ever, under any circumstance, cross Philo Stone". CURSES!! How did you know?
L: Read the rule above it.
H: 299. "Never trust the author of this book." The author?
L: Look at the cover, Harold.
H: Written by: Loki Gwydion?
L: He he he.
S: What about Stone? How did he know my every step?
L: Look at the publisher.
H: Stone's Throw Publications. AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!
L: You just figured it out, Harold. We knew every move you were going to make.
S: Indeed. It makes it much easier to capture the villains when they follow Loki's and my advice.
H: Loki? Why would you give away your villainous secrets to the public?
L: Royalties, of course.
S: What does he mean by villainous secrets, Loki?
L: I've learned from experience, just like you.
S: Ah.
H: This is intolerable! I've been torn from my position, been humiliated in front of my minions, lost my empire, and been duped into following a book that has lead to my downfall!
L: Dude, you wouldn't have failed if Stone hadn't been here.
H: I suppose that is true. Very well. From this moment on, I swear eternal vengeance on…you, Loki!
L: ME? What did I do? Stone's the one who's bringing you down.
H: I am aware of that. But I have a chance against you.
L: Oh thanks.
H: So, Stone, I take it you know about everything that has gone down out here?
S: For the most part.
H: You know about the blackmail?
S: Yes.
H: The weapons dealing?
S: Yes.
H: The extortion?
S: Yes.
H: The drugs?
S: The what?
-ZING In an inhuman burst of speed, Loki has grabbed Shaggy and Scooby and is running out to the swamp. An UPS truck is backing up toward the lodge-
L: Yo dude!
UPS guy: Yeah?
L: Whatcha here for?
UPS: I've got a pickup for a bargeload of some sort of botanical supplies!
L: Excellent! There's been a change of recipient. The…supplies are being rerouted to Texas.
UPS: Whatever, dude.
Sh: Texas?
Sc: Rhat ror?
L: I live in Texas, remember? I'll send the weed there. I won't have to hide it on the way back, and it won't raise suspicion with a HazMat sticker.
Sh: Oh.
L: Hurry, guys! Load it on the truck!
-As the three enterprising thieves are loading the weed; they can still hear what is being said inside the lodge-
S: You were trafficking narcotics as well, Harold?
H: Well, yes. I was growing marijuana out on the swamp.
S: Out on the swamp? Harold, do you realize what is in that swamp?
H: Certainly. An ideal growing environment. The water was amazingly warm and rich with nutrients.
S: Yes, true. Do you know why it was that way?
H: It wasn't a freak climate pocket?
S: Not exactly. Harold, did you ever notice the large nuclear power plant that was powering your underground lair was right next to the water?
H: You don't mean…
S: The water was so warm because the swamp served as the cooling pool for the nuclear reactor. That would be why everything that emerged from the swamp glowed.
H: But, I thought the leak was fixed.
R: Harold, Monty Burns hired me to patch the radiation leak.
H: Shit.
-Outside. Loki has heard that. He is looking at the glowing weed-
L: Umm…it's still good. I can still use it. Besides, it's ultra-potent now.
-Inside-
S: Yes, speaking of that, there is another factor to mention. The rich nutrients in the water. Harold, did you ever notice the sewer pipe that was dumping sludge into the swamp?
H: So? The swamp can handle some waste.
S: Waste. Again, well put. Red mentioned to me once when I brought up the lack of sufficient plumbing that the sewer system had never been completed. To compensate, and to hide their error, they directed all the effluence into the swamp as a final settling pool.
H: Oh no…
S: Yes, Harold. You're up to your knees in shit in more ways than one.
-Outside-
L: Oh yucky. This stuff can stay here after all.
-Rushing inside-
Sh: Mister Stone! We found the weed! It's out in an UPS truck set to send it to T…
L: Taiwan! Yeah, it's being sent to Taiwan!
H: Ah yes, my vengeance begins! Stone! Loki has been a steady customer for years! He's just as guilty as I am! If I am going down, he must go with me!
L: Uh oh…
S: Now, Harold, you were doing so well. Don't cross the line to pompous villain so near to the end. A proper villain does not resort to such despicable acts.
H: Wha…he…oh, all right.
S: I am very pleased, Harold. In honor of fantastic debut, I award you with this bottle of champagne.
H: Don Perrinion 1990? You mean I'm a CHAMPAGNE VILLAIN?
S: Yes, you've attained class A villain status. I've never seen anyone come out of the gate so finely as you have.
H: Yes! You like me! You really like me! I just want to thank all the little people! The pickpockets, the extortionists, the thieves, the money launderers; and my Uncle Red, for inflicting constant emotional distress on me and driving me to the breaking point. Sending me over the edge into a dark hole of conniving vengeance lust and motivating me to turn to a life of pure EEEEEEEEVVIIIIIIIILLLL!!!
-SNAP Loki has cuffed Harold-
H: Loki? Why you?
H: You swore eternal vengeance on me. Besides, I rarely get to hear that noise when I'm not in them.
R: Oh, Harold I have something for you, too.
H: A bar of soap?
R: Just to show that there are no hard feelings. Best to start practicing dropping it in the shower.
H: I don't get it.
R: You will. In the end.
F: Well, it seems that everything's been wrapped up here. I'll be going now!
-Fred starts to hobble to the door as best he can considering his crutches. Loki sweeps out his feet with the mop, and Fred hits the floor-
S: What do you just do. Loki?
L: I tripped him with the running gag.
S: Yeeessss…stay a while, Fred. We have things to discuss.
F: Like what? I have done nothing wrong! You can't do anything to me! Besides, I've done nothing to you.
S: This has nothing to do with me, Mister Jones. It has everything to do with what you've done to the Scooby Gang.
-From upstairs-
V: And I'll be the first to confirm that.
-All eyes shoot toward the staircase. All jaws drop. Velma is descending, and moving very slowly, almost sensually, in her grace. Her glasses are gone, her hair is a frazzled mess, and she is wearing Gord's shirt, showcasing the fabulous body that been hiding under that sweater for all those years. A look that could only be imitated by a cat that has gotten the last of the cream is framing her face in a dazzling, naughty smile-
L: Velma! You're…you…tha…gor…HOLY SHIT!
V: I'll take that as a compliment, Loki.
S: Agent Velma! That's where you've been all this time? Where is Agent Gord?
V: Unconscious.
H: My viewers will be happy! Gord broke first!
V: What?
L: Best not to aggravate her now, Harold.
F: How can this be? Velma, you've been working for Stone all this time?
V: Not the entire time. For a majority of it, yes.
S: I was such a fan of Velma's deductive abilities on the show, I arranged a chance for me to meet her several years ago. When we met, she was in such disarray; it was quite obvious that she had been given a dangerously high level of narcotics. I managed to flush her system with my gum; and after that, she told me of what you were doing to the Scooby Gang, Fred. I then offered her a chance to join my team of agents, and to keep watch on your activities. I had planted Gord here to gather intel on Harold's operation, but it seems those two were…previously occupied.
L: Someone was certainly occupied.
S: Now is not the time for jokes, Loki. We lacked the necessary evidence to bring down your operation for years, Fred, but now we have enough to shut you down permanently!
F: What…years? You've been on my tail for that long? Why?
S: There is a very simple reason. For it is not what you did to me or the others present here that truly infuriates me. It is what you did to the true brains of the Scooby Gang. Very early in the show's run, there was another member. He was never named. And soon after the first season, he vanished without a trace or mention. You eliminated him from the great service he performed for detectives everywhere.
L: Stone did see me.
S: That man was the true glory of the Scooby Gang. He found relevant, effective clues. He brought down the villains in an efficient manner, caring nothing for the grossly overdone slapstick theatrical style that became the staple of your show.
L: Whoa. He's laying this on thick.
S: He led the gang by example, never by word. He would never subject Norville and Scoobert, or the lovely ladies of the group, to any task he would not do himself. And many times, he would place his own well-being in risk to ensure the safety of his comrades.
L: Oh shucks. It was never like that. I just didn't want to see anything bad happen to the people I actually liked.
S: And all these qualities lead me to pattern my life after his example, and become a crime fighter!
L: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
-THUD Loki has fainted from shock-
S: Loki?
Sc: Rever rind rim.
S: The dog just talked to me again. I need a vacation. Anyway, Fred, you have exploited these fine people for years without their knowledge. And deceit of that level cannot be allowed to continue.
F: So what? Everything I've done is completely legal! I'm going to be rolling in millions when the film hits theaters! And there is nothing anyone can do! I have contracts from every member for use of their images in any production medium! I will be profiting from this for the rest of my life!
S: Yeesss…concerning those "contracts" of yours. Norville showed them to me, and I noticed that they are dated two years after the show began. And if what Agent Velma tells me is correct, you started feeding them narcotics one year into the show. Which makes these contracts null and void. Any competent attorney could nullify these with minimal effort. Which means, Mister Jones, that all merchandise profits accumulated from your actions are immediately the property of Ms. Blake, Ms. Dinkley, Mr. Rogers, and my unknown hero.
L: (Coming around) What the hell?
S: If any of you need assistance in acquiring your property, call on my associates.
Sh: Howie…
V: Screwem…
D: And Howel.
Mat: What about me?
Sh: You're finished here, Matlock. Go have some prune juice.
Mat: Right-o!
Sh: I hope he doesn't use the bathroom here. Old man stink is not something to be experienced.
R: You're telling me.
D: Mister Stone!
S: Call me Philo, Ms. Blake.
D: You can call me anything you want, Philo.
-Daphne dips Stone in a very masculine fashion and practically sucks his tongue out of his mouth-
L: Oh no! Daphne attacking Stone again! Don't worry, Stone! I'll help!
S: Rack roff, Roki.
-Daphne drops Stone to the floor when she finishes. He sits there for a few moments completely disoriented, then rises back to his feet-
S: Oh my…Where was I? Oh yes, we've managed to bring down Harold's organization, and have captured the greatest Scooby Doo Villain ever! It looks like that wraps up this mystery!
F: Wait a minute! This is completely unfair! Harold wore Velma's clothes, and completely failed in his plot to destroy everyone, and he was given a bottle of champagne, and the highest praise from the both Stone and Loki! He's leaving this place in a paddy wagon, and he's got even more dignity now than when he started! He's happy to be brought down! What about me? I was thrown down stairs, lead on a wild clue chase, had everyone I ever knew turn on me, lost my merchandising rights, damaged every namable part of my body, and even some things I didn't know I had! I have nothing now! Let me have one moment of glory! Give me one moment to shine!
L: You really want the spotlight, Fred?
F: Of course I do!
L: Very well. (Loki scribbles something on a sheet of paper) Read this.
F: What's my motivation?
L: It'll hit you in a moment.
F: Finally! (He takes his classic butch stance, and inhales deeply. He holds the paper in front of him and begins to read) Wow, you two look almost exactly alike. Except that he's blonde and you're a brunette…
L: Mmhmm…(He is polishing the bat)
F: And he's a little taller…
L: Yup…(He's taking a few practice swings)
F: A little broader in the shoulders…
L: Keep it coming…(He winding up)
F: And much better…
-WANG Loki has slammed the bat straight into Fred's crotch-
F: Ha! You missed!
S: Mister Jones, that's not really something to brag about.
L: I stand aghast. But not for long.
-CRACK Loki spins around and nails a home run on the back of Fred's head-
L: Wow.
S: Didn't even make a scratch. That is the thickest head I've ever seen.
BEGIN END CREDITS! SCOOBY DOOBY DOO…WHERE ARE YOU…BUT WAIT! IS IT REALLY OVER?