(Section 13)
-Stone and Loki are walking out of Succotash County Courthouse. Stone has a very surprised look on his face-
S: That was certainly a new experience.
L: Yeah, that's the first time I've been in a courthouse just to watch.
S: I have never seen a man arrested, charged, indicted, convicted, and taken off to prison in manacles and a Hannibal Lecter face cage in the course of a single day.
L: Stone, you just saw a man arrested, charged, indicted, convicted, and taken off to prison in manacles and a Hannibal Lecter face cage in the course of a single HOUR.
S: Did you have to be cheering throughout the whole procedure? You were spilling your popcorn and soda all over the floor.
L: What did you want me to do? They were selling it at the door
S: Yes, speaking at that, you still owe me five dollars.
L: I would have gotten you a T-shirt and called it even.
S: Sorry, Loki, but a "Fry, Harold, Fry" T-shirt doesn't really appeal to me. Didn't it seem odd that Harold's defense attorney was advocating the death penalty? Canada doesn't even have one.
L: Wasn't it even more odd that the prosecutor was Harold's own father? And that Red was the judge? And you accuse me of being uncivil. He wasn't even paying attention to the trial. He was watching the Super Bowl on his portable TV. And the rest of the Lodge members got off with a slap on the wrist. Literally.
S: And there were only nine charges against Harold. How could he get 120 consecutive life sentences?
L: Spent at Possum Lodge. Taking over Bill's position. You know, Stone, when most people wrestle the bailiff's gun away from him, they try to shoot the judge. Harold tried to shoot himself.
S: Well, I'm glad I stepped in and declared a mistrial. He'll be tried over in Despicable County. Over there, he can maybe fall back on appeal.
L: That won't do any good, Stone.
S: Why not, Loki?
L: Harold doesn't have any appeal.
-Stone has no retort-
-Gord and Velma come out of the courthouse arm in arm. Gord has changed out of his ranger uniform and is wearing leather. Velma is also wearing tight leather; spike heeled boots, purple tinted sunglasses, and has changed her hairstyle to something more…primal. Loki is looking directly at Gord in an attempt to not stare at Velma-
L: So, Gord, what's this? Joining Hell's Angels?
G: Velma likes.
L: (Glances quickly at V) So I see, by the bovine wrapped midget. What are you two going to do now?
V: We're going to go back up to Gord's Tower.
L: Back up? Gord, you've been up there for nearly fifteen years. Why would you want to go back there?
G: Privacy.
V: That's not the only tower Gord has to scale.
-L grimaces in pain-
S: Well, Agent Gord, Agent Velma; you've both performed excellently. I guess you two can have some vacation time. You two go climb this other tower Gord has and have some R & R.
L: I don't think there's going to be much of that.
-Stone looks at L, confused-
L: Don't worry about it.
S: Well, Loki, this looks like job well done. We ridded Possum Lodge of a troop of criminals, unmasked the sixteen Phlatulent Phantoms…
L: Seventeen.
S: Seventeen Phlatulent Phantoms, rid the county of some highly dangerous radioactive marijuana, and put away a seriously disturbed and highly abrasive criminal mastermind. I do expect the five bucks back from Harold's trial.
L: How nice for you. Nothing came out the way it was supposed to. Shaggy and Scooby grew backbones, I saw what Velma really was under that sweater, I didn't get any weeee…(Stone is looking at him)…eeeat. Yeah, Wheat. There isn't any wheat in this place, and I wanted to make some bread. And Daphne! I was so close! If it hadn't been for that stupid gum wearing off, I could have…Stone?
-Stone has started off after Velma and Gord-
S: Oh, I'm sorry, Loki. I need to catch those two before they go. I have to discuss some new benefits being introduced into their employee packages.
L: What other benefits can there be other than getting big guns, James Bond gadgets, and wearing tight leather?
S: A full dental plan.
L: I should have guessed. Stone, do you ever get tired of being so white bread?
S: I prefer to think of myself as whole wheat.
L: You would.
-Stone excuses himself with Velma and Gord-
Breathy Voice from behind: Loki?
L: Yes? YAAAAA!!!
-Daphne is standing behind him. She has turned in her purple ensemble for a tight black dress, fishnet stockings, and thigh high black boots. Her eye makeup and bright red lipstick give her a frightening, yet dangerously inviting look-
L: Daphne! Wow…the Joan Crawford look really works for you.
D: Yes…it was the purrrrrfect expression of my newfound self now that I've escaped from Fred's pink panties and scarf.
L: I kinda liked the pink panties.
D: Now that my true self has been released, I took it upon myself to relieve Fred of his own dignity after stripping me of mine.
L: Fred had dignity left? Never mind that. Are you going to be busy anytime in the future? Maybe we could hook up. Get some coffee, or maybe a hard martini in your case.
D: Perhaps…allow me to call my social secretary. FRED!
-Daphne strikes her hand hard with her riding crop. Fred approaches, walking very knock-kneed. He is now wearing Velma's clothes-
F: Yes, mistress.
D: Have a look at my schedule for the next week, lap dog.
F: Apart from the hostile takeovers of major television studios and getting yourself into every television program worth watching, although that's not very many, you have an opening at 4 o'clock on Thursday.
D: Never mind. Loki…I'll find you.
-Daphne traces her finger along Loki's face again, pressing harder this time. She is treading the fine line between pleasure and pain. Loki doesn't care which side she falls on-
S: Ms. Blake! …Um…what a…flattering choice of clothing! And…Mr. Jones.
F: Stone! Loki! Please! You managed to humiliate me, foil my scheme, and reduce me to a date book carrying lackey on a leash! Please…one of you…insult me! Injure me! Do something to remind me that there is a lower level than the one I occupy now! Show me I haven't hit bottom!
-Stone and Loki stand there for a moment, saying nothing-
S: I can't think of anything.
F: Loki! Of all the people here, you can think of some biting remark. Some little barb to relieve me of this torment!
-Loki looks Fred right in the eyes and places a hand on his shoulder-
L: Fred…I genuinely pity you.
F: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
D: Loki, that was awfully cruel of you.
L: The worst thing is I meant it.
D: I have to take the dog to be neutered now…keep in touch, Loki.
-Daphne blows him a kiss and leaves with Fred in tow on his leash-
L: Whoah…Daphne has become the traditional black widow, enticing men with her charms, and drawing them into her web of sin before giving them a moment of pure ecstasy and devouring them with her venomous fangs…it just might be worth it.
V: Oh, Philo?
-Stone and Loki see Velma coming back. Loki once again is absorbed by the sight of her now longer hair cascading in the slight breeze, her curves so sharp they would require a fifteen-mph speed limit, and the Doublemint Mountains on her chest-
L: Ya know, Velma…does Frank Frizetta know about you?
V: I have an appointment with him on Tuesday.
-V approaches L-
V: You know, Loki, it didn't have to be this way.
L: It…didn't? (He doesn't understand)
V: Oh no…(whispering sultrily in his ear) I was the one who sent you that sample of marijuana. I wanted to get you here, so I could get you high, tie you to a bed, and take carnal advantage of you. But you were just so mean to me, you killed my desire to fuck you like a rabbit on ecstasy. Now that you see what you've lost, I hope you dream of me, and club yourself with a hammer from guilt. (She kisses his earlobe, and pulls away)
L: (frantic look on his face) NO! I can be nice! I can be charming! Look! (He reaches behind his back, produces a fistful of snakes) AHH! (tosses them away) Hold on! (Tries again, gets a golf club) DAMN! (an AK-47) Cool. (A venus flytrap) That's a little closer. (A bouquet of wilted roses) AHA!
-V is already heading off with G. Loki can only watch as the twin peaks of heaven walk away-
S: Loki, I do expect the five bucks back from the trial as soon as you can get it. But isn't it nice to see that this case brought together two people so in need in companionship?
-Loki drops the roses and begins to cry-
S: Oh all right. You can keep the five bucks.
-Shaggy and Scooby have emerged from courthouse. They are wearing trenchcoats and dark sunglasses and walking with a confident swagger. Loki dries his tears and looks impressed. Stone is cocking a suspicious eyebrow.
L: Lookin' sweet, S n' S. What's with the new look?
Sh: We decided to go pro. We joined the union of dealers, man. (Flashes Union of Weed Dealers Card)
Sc: Reah. Roressional Realers. (Flashes card)
L: Very cool. What made you two do that?
Sh: We figured if Jay and Silent Bob could do it, so could we. We were the dimwitted stoner comic duo when Kevin Smith was still in diapers.
Sc: RUCK Ray and Rirent Rob! Ruck rem up ra RASS!
Sh: I hear that, Scoob. We'll deal with them soon enough. We got something to do first thing.
L: What's that?
Sh: We're gonna find Casey Cassem and beat the shit out of him for making me talk like that for so long.
Sc: Rith rass ruckles.
L: Have fun, boys, and don't leave any visible marks. Than he can't prove you did it.
Sh: Speaking of all that, we also are going out to Stone's stud farm. There's 500 Great Dane bitches waiting for Scoob's canine cock.
L: Couldn't that kind of exertion prove fatal?
Sc: Rif rhey rie, rhey rie.
-S and S hop into a pimped-out low rider and vanish.
S: Loki, it looks like everything is finished here. What are you going to do now?
L: I guess I'll go back home. All I've got to show for the trip is the five hundred dollars I made betting on…the horse at the track. What about you, Stone?
S: There's always a new battle to fight. I never get a reprieve. I'm off to Brazil to collect an ancient Mayan golden mask, and possibly teach an indigenous tribe how to read.
L: (muttering) I hope I never become like you.
S: What was that?
L: That's so valid and true. The natives should learn how to read. See ya, Stone.
S: Good journey, Loki. Oh, one other thing. I know you be a trustworthy man, so I feel I can leave you with this.
-S winks, climbs into the bi-plane, and takes off.
L: Just how did he manage to land that thing in the parking lot, and not damage a single thing?
-L shrugs it off. Questioning Stone is never worth the effort-
L: What is this? A book? THE SECRETS OF SINANJU?! YYEEEESSSS!!!!
-He hops into the Diablo and drives off-
L: Shit. Velma spurns me for a psycho forest ranger, Shaggy and Scooby have developed their own identities, and Fred is the Spider Queen's lackey. I didn't even get my weed. An era has ended. One thing I can be glad about. Now that the Scooby Gang is gone, nothing else ridiculous can happen.
OR CAN IT?
-Stone and Loki are walking out of Succotash County Courthouse. Stone has a very surprised look on his face-
S: That was certainly a new experience.
L: Yeah, that's the first time I've been in a courthouse just to watch.
S: I have never seen a man arrested, charged, indicted, convicted, and taken off to prison in manacles and a Hannibal Lecter face cage in the course of a single day.
L: Stone, you just saw a man arrested, charged, indicted, convicted, and taken off to prison in manacles and a Hannibal Lecter face cage in the course of a single HOUR.
S: Did you have to be cheering throughout the whole procedure? You were spilling your popcorn and soda all over the floor.
L: What did you want me to do? They were selling it at the door
S: Yes, speaking at that, you still owe me five dollars.
L: I would have gotten you a T-shirt and called it even.
S: Sorry, Loki, but a "Fry, Harold, Fry" T-shirt doesn't really appeal to me. Didn't it seem odd that Harold's defense attorney was advocating the death penalty? Canada doesn't even have one.
L: Wasn't it even more odd that the prosecutor was Harold's own father? And that Red was the judge? And you accuse me of being uncivil. He wasn't even paying attention to the trial. He was watching the Super Bowl on his portable TV. And the rest of the Lodge members got off with a slap on the wrist. Literally.
S: And there were only nine charges against Harold. How could he get 120 consecutive life sentences?
L: Spent at Possum Lodge. Taking over Bill's position. You know, Stone, when most people wrestle the bailiff's gun away from him, they try to shoot the judge. Harold tried to shoot himself.
S: Well, I'm glad I stepped in and declared a mistrial. He'll be tried over in Despicable County. Over there, he can maybe fall back on appeal.
L: That won't do any good, Stone.
S: Why not, Loki?
L: Harold doesn't have any appeal.
-Stone has no retort-
-Gord and Velma come out of the courthouse arm in arm. Gord has changed out of his ranger uniform and is wearing leather. Velma is also wearing tight leather; spike heeled boots, purple tinted sunglasses, and has changed her hairstyle to something more…primal. Loki is looking directly at Gord in an attempt to not stare at Velma-
L: So, Gord, what's this? Joining Hell's Angels?
G: Velma likes.
L: (Glances quickly at V) So I see, by the bovine wrapped midget. What are you two going to do now?
V: We're going to go back up to Gord's Tower.
L: Back up? Gord, you've been up there for nearly fifteen years. Why would you want to go back there?
G: Privacy.
V: That's not the only tower Gord has to scale.
-L grimaces in pain-
S: Well, Agent Gord, Agent Velma; you've both performed excellently. I guess you two can have some vacation time. You two go climb this other tower Gord has and have some R & R.
L: I don't think there's going to be much of that.
-Stone looks at L, confused-
L: Don't worry about it.
S: Well, Loki, this looks like job well done. We ridded Possum Lodge of a troop of criminals, unmasked the sixteen Phlatulent Phantoms…
L: Seventeen.
S: Seventeen Phlatulent Phantoms, rid the county of some highly dangerous radioactive marijuana, and put away a seriously disturbed and highly abrasive criminal mastermind. I do expect the five bucks back from Harold's trial.
L: How nice for you. Nothing came out the way it was supposed to. Shaggy and Scooby grew backbones, I saw what Velma really was under that sweater, I didn't get any weeee…(Stone is looking at him)…eeeat. Yeah, Wheat. There isn't any wheat in this place, and I wanted to make some bread. And Daphne! I was so close! If it hadn't been for that stupid gum wearing off, I could have…Stone?
-Stone has started off after Velma and Gord-
S: Oh, I'm sorry, Loki. I need to catch those two before they go. I have to discuss some new benefits being introduced into their employee packages.
L: What other benefits can there be other than getting big guns, James Bond gadgets, and wearing tight leather?
S: A full dental plan.
L: I should have guessed. Stone, do you ever get tired of being so white bread?
S: I prefer to think of myself as whole wheat.
L: You would.
-Stone excuses himself with Velma and Gord-
Breathy Voice from behind: Loki?
L: Yes? YAAAAA!!!
-Daphne is standing behind him. She has turned in her purple ensemble for a tight black dress, fishnet stockings, and thigh high black boots. Her eye makeup and bright red lipstick give her a frightening, yet dangerously inviting look-
L: Daphne! Wow…the Joan Crawford look really works for you.
D: Yes…it was the purrrrrfect expression of my newfound self now that I've escaped from Fred's pink panties and scarf.
L: I kinda liked the pink panties.
D: Now that my true self has been released, I took it upon myself to relieve Fred of his own dignity after stripping me of mine.
L: Fred had dignity left? Never mind that. Are you going to be busy anytime in the future? Maybe we could hook up. Get some coffee, or maybe a hard martini in your case.
D: Perhaps…allow me to call my social secretary. FRED!
-Daphne strikes her hand hard with her riding crop. Fred approaches, walking very knock-kneed. He is now wearing Velma's clothes-
F: Yes, mistress.
D: Have a look at my schedule for the next week, lap dog.
F: Apart from the hostile takeovers of major television studios and getting yourself into every television program worth watching, although that's not very many, you have an opening at 4 o'clock on Thursday.
D: Never mind. Loki…I'll find you.
-Daphne traces her finger along Loki's face again, pressing harder this time. She is treading the fine line between pleasure and pain. Loki doesn't care which side she falls on-
S: Ms. Blake! …Um…what a…flattering choice of clothing! And…Mr. Jones.
F: Stone! Loki! Please! You managed to humiliate me, foil my scheme, and reduce me to a date book carrying lackey on a leash! Please…one of you…insult me! Injure me! Do something to remind me that there is a lower level than the one I occupy now! Show me I haven't hit bottom!
-Stone and Loki stand there for a moment, saying nothing-
S: I can't think of anything.
F: Loki! Of all the people here, you can think of some biting remark. Some little barb to relieve me of this torment!
-Loki looks Fred right in the eyes and places a hand on his shoulder-
L: Fred…I genuinely pity you.
F: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
D: Loki, that was awfully cruel of you.
L: The worst thing is I meant it.
D: I have to take the dog to be neutered now…keep in touch, Loki.
-Daphne blows him a kiss and leaves with Fred in tow on his leash-
L: Whoah…Daphne has become the traditional black widow, enticing men with her charms, and drawing them into her web of sin before giving them a moment of pure ecstasy and devouring them with her venomous fangs…it just might be worth it.
V: Oh, Philo?
-Stone and Loki see Velma coming back. Loki once again is absorbed by the sight of her now longer hair cascading in the slight breeze, her curves so sharp they would require a fifteen-mph speed limit, and the Doublemint Mountains on her chest-
L: Ya know, Velma…does Frank Frizetta know about you?
V: I have an appointment with him on Tuesday.
-V approaches L-
V: You know, Loki, it didn't have to be this way.
L: It…didn't? (He doesn't understand)
V: Oh no…(whispering sultrily in his ear) I was the one who sent you that sample of marijuana. I wanted to get you here, so I could get you high, tie you to a bed, and take carnal advantage of you. But you were just so mean to me, you killed my desire to fuck you like a rabbit on ecstasy. Now that you see what you've lost, I hope you dream of me, and club yourself with a hammer from guilt. (She kisses his earlobe, and pulls away)
L: (frantic look on his face) NO! I can be nice! I can be charming! Look! (He reaches behind his back, produces a fistful of snakes) AHH! (tosses them away) Hold on! (Tries again, gets a golf club) DAMN! (an AK-47) Cool. (A venus flytrap) That's a little closer. (A bouquet of wilted roses) AHA!
-V is already heading off with G. Loki can only watch as the twin peaks of heaven walk away-
S: Loki, I do expect the five bucks back from the trial as soon as you can get it. But isn't it nice to see that this case brought together two people so in need in companionship?
-Loki drops the roses and begins to cry-
S: Oh all right. You can keep the five bucks.
-Shaggy and Scooby have emerged from courthouse. They are wearing trenchcoats and dark sunglasses and walking with a confident swagger. Loki dries his tears and looks impressed. Stone is cocking a suspicious eyebrow.
L: Lookin' sweet, S n' S. What's with the new look?
Sh: We decided to go pro. We joined the union of dealers, man. (Flashes Union of Weed Dealers Card)
Sc: Reah. Roressional Realers. (Flashes card)
L: Very cool. What made you two do that?
Sh: We figured if Jay and Silent Bob could do it, so could we. We were the dimwitted stoner comic duo when Kevin Smith was still in diapers.
Sc: RUCK Ray and Rirent Rob! Ruck rem up ra RASS!
Sh: I hear that, Scoob. We'll deal with them soon enough. We got something to do first thing.
L: What's that?
Sh: We're gonna find Casey Cassem and beat the shit out of him for making me talk like that for so long.
Sc: Rith rass ruckles.
L: Have fun, boys, and don't leave any visible marks. Than he can't prove you did it.
Sh: Speaking of all that, we also are going out to Stone's stud farm. There's 500 Great Dane bitches waiting for Scoob's canine cock.
L: Couldn't that kind of exertion prove fatal?
Sc: Rif rhey rie, rhey rie.
-S and S hop into a pimped-out low rider and vanish.
S: Loki, it looks like everything is finished here. What are you going to do now?
L: I guess I'll go back home. All I've got to show for the trip is the five hundred dollars I made betting on…the horse at the track. What about you, Stone?
S: There's always a new battle to fight. I never get a reprieve. I'm off to Brazil to collect an ancient Mayan golden mask, and possibly teach an indigenous tribe how to read.
L: (muttering) I hope I never become like you.
S: What was that?
L: That's so valid and true. The natives should learn how to read. See ya, Stone.
S: Good journey, Loki. Oh, one other thing. I know you be a trustworthy man, so I feel I can leave you with this.
-S winks, climbs into the bi-plane, and takes off.
L: Just how did he manage to land that thing in the parking lot, and not damage a single thing?
-L shrugs it off. Questioning Stone is never worth the effort-
L: What is this? A book? THE SECRETS OF SINANJU?! YYEEEESSSS!!!!
-He hops into the Diablo and drives off-
L: Shit. Velma spurns me for a psycho forest ranger, Shaggy and Scooby have developed their own identities, and Fred is the Spider Queen's lackey. I didn't even get my weed. An era has ended. One thing I can be glad about. Now that the Scooby Gang is gone, nothing else ridiculous can happen.
OR CAN IT?