(Section 16)
CUT!
STRIKE SET!
-The lights go out on Possum Lodge. The hard lights go back up, revealing Possum Lodge to be only a small model. Numerous stagehands swarm the area, taking down lights, carrying away furniture, and disassembling the walls of the set, leaving only a concrete floor covered in marking tape. A man in a white T-shirt reading DIRECTOR is pointing out places to take the set pieces. His baseball cap keeps his face in shadow. The back wall of the Lodge is carted away, revealing the green room behind. The cast of both the Red Green show and Scooby-Doo are lounging in easy chairs snacking on finger foods. Many are hanging around the ashtrays smoking, as actors are wont to do…and they are. The director walks over to the cast and removes his cap. Loki smiles to everyone and joins them. In a moment, Stone enters, wearing a T-shirt reading PRODUCER. He is carrying a large stack of paychecks. The lesser members of the Red Green Show take their money and go. Before Graham Greene leaves, Stone talks with him.
S: Mr. Greene…I agree that Dances with Wolves was a fine, enjoyable film, however, I do think that your performance in Maverick was far more entertaining. There are some excellent comedic moments…particularly the scheme involving the Russian Diplomat.
Gr: I suppose so, you know, I sure am grateful to Clint Eastwood for actually casting real Natives in his films. Otherwise the only gigs I'd be doing would be standing outside cigar stores.
-Greene goes. Enter Steve Smith. Now dressed formally in a three piece suit-
L: Oh, Steve, we need to keep that beard.
-Loki grabs hold of the beard-
Sm: YEOW! (Now using a Oxford dialect with a deep baritone) That beard is real, thank you. If you will excuse me, director, I have an appointment to keep in Florence. Luciano Povaratti has come down with laryngitis and I am needed to complete the now unformulated Three Tenors.
L: That's lovely, Steve. Stone's got your pay.
-Enter Fred, dressed casually in a t-shirt and jeans. He is carrying his sailor suit and Velma suit in a garment bag over his shoulder. The fake casts are tucked under his arm-
F: Hey Loki? Where do I put this stuff?
L: The costumes go to Maureen in costuming. The casts are for Paul in props.
F: Ah, thanks.
S: Mr. Smith. I do find it rather amazing that you are able to portray such an eccentric character, given your refined upbringing. How does one such as yourself gather the ideas for such unusual characters?
-Enter Patrick McHenna, in full Scottish garb, complete with shoulder sash and kilt-
P: Och! Ye laddies be sickinen' me wi' your constrictin' pantaloons!
Sm: It isn't too hard. Patrick, would you please put on some underwear?
P: In the motherland 'o Scotland, we let Nessie roam free!
L: And in Canada, we sik Steve Irwin on snakes. You want the Croc Hunter to grab ya by the tail?
P: What a revoltin' thought. Ah, Fred. Jus' the man I been wantin' to see. I wanted to commend ye in yer perseverance in takin' all those mishaps that occurred in the shoot. (Punches Fred in arm) I knocked ye o'er the table a bit hard…(another punch) and pushed ye down the stairs a bit off…(another) and smacked upsi' the head a bit rough…(and another) hope there's no hard feelings.
F: (Rubbing his bruised arm) Not until recently.
P: Good te hear! Ye're a real Scotsman! I'll take me pay, Stone. I've got a shit load of boozin' an pukin' to do!
-Patrick leaves-
Sm: I shall retire as well. Talley-Ho, all!
-Steve leaves-
F: Stone? Is that rubber chicken still handy?
S: I believe that it is on the prop table.
F: Thank you.
-Fred sneaks off after Patrick. A moment later…
WUNK
P: OCH!
WUNK SMACK CLUB CRACK BLEED SCREAM WASHING MACHINE ROTARY ENGINE OUCHIE THAT IS GONNA LEAVE A MARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Enter Daphne. She is wearing a simple suit, has tied her hair in a nonelaborate ponytail, and is wearing no makeup. She looks like a female banker, actually.
L: Hey Daphne, that was amazing what you did in Chapter 11. (Placing a hand on her shoulder) Care to meet later and refine the techniques?
D: (Shyly) You're touching me.
L: Oh, sorry.
D: I hope I wasn't too forward in those scenes. I'm not very comfortable doing those things.
L: That's just fine. Maybe I could help you get over it.
D: I can't. I'm busy. I have a microbiology lecture at Harvard tomorrow.
L: And later?
D: I have a shoot at the Playboy mansion.
L: HUH? I have to get back in Hugh's good graces now.
-Daphne collects her pay and goes. A fingernail traces down Loki's spine-
L: What the?
-Velma is standing behind him, still wearing her leather costume-
L: Velma, Maureen's going to need that.
V: It's mine. I always wear this stuff.
L: Oh. So…what are you doing after all this?
V: I have a two runway walks for Just My Size and Victoria's Secret. But after the funeral…I should be free.
L: Funeral?
-Peter Keleghan comes lurching in, looking like the walking dead. He is flushed, and is very weak.
L: Peter? Shouldn't you take some time off? This could be fatal to you.
G: Yeah, but what a way to go.
L: I can't argue with that.
V: Like I said, look me up at the wake.
L: Wait…you're Irish, too. Aren't you, Velma?
V: As Irish as you, Loki.
L: Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh…
-Exit Velma and Peter-
S: We still have three checks left to distribute.
L: Who's left?
-Enter Shaggy. He is wearing a silk suit; looking a lot like Don Johnson's fashion style.
S: Hello, Norville. Back to Hollywood with you then?
Sh: Yes, I have to do the Weekly Top 40 in the morning.
L: How's the record label coming?
Sh: Not bad. I just signed three bands from Canada. This place is a jackpot of unknown talent.
L: See ya, Norv.
-Shaggy goes-
-Enter Scooby, walking on his hind legs and holding his back in pain-
S: Mister Mochrie…you can remove the costume now.
-Scooby unzips his stomach, and Colin Mochrie emerges.
L: I am impressed, Colin. When I saw you doing Scooby-Doo on Whose Line, I knew you were perfect for the part. You did so much better than, say, Greg Proops.
C: Thanks, Clive. You know, I miss Clive. The other guys would go after him instead of me, and he could defend himself. Now it's just constant bald jokes. That's why I left. Drew just takes it, so they go for me.
S: Oh, Mr. Mochrie. I just received a call from George Lucas. He wants to hire you.
C: Really? What did he say?
S: He wants to use you in the new Star Wars film. He needs someone to play Jar Jar Binks.
C: …maybe I'll go back to Whose Line after all…
-Exit Colin Mochrie-
-Re-enter Fred, wiping off a lot of blood from the rubber chicken-
F: Thanks, guys.
L: Anytime. Hey, Fred, we're sorry that we weren't able to do much with you.
S: Indeed, we searched as much as could to find a more substantial role, but all we could manage was a maniacal villain.
F: I'm actually thankful. Hanna-Barbera did me no justice with that role. I finally got to do something other than "Let's Go, Gang!" It's ridiculous. The comic books gave my character more depth than the television show ever did.
L: So what are you going to do now?
F: I'll just go back to the Cartoon Network and be a stand-in for Johnny Bravo. He never does his own stunts you, know. He's too worried about his face. Do you have any plans for another Scooby-Doo special?
S: Not that we know of.
F: Oh…see you two.
L: Bye Fred…Stone, send him a 500 dollar bonus.
S: I'm making it a thousand.
L: Good idea.
-Gary Coleman tugs on Loki's pant leg-
Ga: Loki? We're set for the exposition.
L: Thank you, Gary…Gary? Where did you go?
-The entire environment has vanished. There is only a field of white-
S: Loki?
L: GAH! Why are you here? Of all the things to still be here, you're still here?
S: Of course. All the illusions have been dropped. We are standing in blank space to provide the exposition in its purity. We have been reduced to ego extensions of the authors to communicate their intentions in this literature.
L: Then why are you still talking like a lawyer?
S: The author whom I represent uses a very refined vocabulary. Yours, on the other hand, resorts to crudity.
L: Hmph.
S: To begin. I am not Philo Stone, and neither are you.
L: I am not Loki Gwydion, though I wish I were.
S: We are to present the authors', yes there are two, ideas and input on the creation of this fanfic.
L: We start off with my creation. I was created for use in a White Wolf game, and was going to be an Immortal, Highlander-esque. But when my creator began his novel, starring me, the copyright issues came into play, and I was altered into a less recognizable form. Hence the mage, a more general characiture, and also more versatile.
S: Loki's use in the novel was to be used as a satirization of the fantasy hero, which is usually characterized by someone like Frodo Baggins, who is a spineless baby who cries all the time, and needs to be kicked in the ass to do anything, and is possessing of moral values and strength that are impossible for a normal human to maintain.
L: Stone? You just sounded like me.
S: The format was a partnered effort. The actual wording is left to your counterpart.
L: Cool. I am the element of realism and intelligence that needed to be added to the modern hero so badly. Someone who as devious as the villains, sometimes more so, and I win because of this. I also am too damn smart to get myself into some of the stupid situations other "heros" get into. If anyone knows their folklore, you will realize I bear many similarities to the true definition of hero, which more like Odysseus or Achilles. It was common for the people to run away screaming, "Look out! Here come the heros!" The old time hero was as flawed, if not more, than the common man was. Henceforth, I am not about to go risking myself in an altruistic fashion to get a plotline moving.
S: Hence my addition. I was introduced as a counterpoint to Loki, a polar opposite to him. I am here to kick Loki into action. Otherwise, he would be content to live in a bubble of comfort. Also, I exist as a satire of the modern hero. The modern definition of hero is one who is a white knight on a white horse who never thinks of himself and risks himself for total strangers and never gets hurt. I satirize this by being so good and perfect, it is impossible, even by the modern standard. I am essentially Doc Savage, the perfect man. I am so perfect, it sickens you. If anyone is not made ill by my perfection, you need to stop watching kiddie cartoons.
L: If you are wondering about the similarities between us physically, there is connection between us. But to reveal that now would spoil the surprise in the book.
S: Speaking of that, the book is an ongoing project for this author, and he decided to take a side project to more fully develop the two of us. Because, both authors hate when a book has characters that are obviously being made up as they go along.
L: So this was a form of writing exercise. It was decided that for me to become more full, the best way was to remove me from my normal environment, which was still being concocted, and to place me a static, established one, and see how I responded.
S: And, of course, there is no environment more static than Scooby-Doo.
L: Despite that statement, many may not realize that SD was rather risqué for its time. It essentially combined action-adventure and a situation comedy. Envision Mission: Impossible meets Three's Company.
On second thought…don't envision that.
S: SD, being contrived in 1969, contained many anti-establishment sentiments. Here you have a group of kids under 20 with no adult supervision, who are financially independent, though I could never figure out how; who are tackling middle-aged, white males who are generally trying to make a claim on real estate to gather monetary gains. In essence, adult businessmen.
L: The problem with SD arose in that it lasted far too long. Most cartoons put out one or two seasons of material. Then are forgotten. Who remembers Super President? SD was such a commercial jackpot; the studio could not afford to take it off the air. So to compensate, new spin-offs were made. The Scooby Movies with Celebrity Guest stars was the beginning of the end. Particularly when the celebrities where either dead, like Laurel and Hardy, or fictional, like Batman and Robin. It reached its nadir when Tom Conway was used, and was completely wasted as a talent.
S: After this, the gang was recycled into the Laffalymics, and was given new characters, such Scooby Dumb as Scrappy Doo. Neither was well received.
L: Shit. If I'd been there, I would have used Scrappy as a hand grenade. Just throw him in the guy's face, he'd be as nasty as a face hugger alien. Surprised no one thought of that.
S: Yeeeeesssss…in time, the show could no longer be taken seriously. At this point, Fred and Velma were abandoned; the atmosphere was forsaken for campy version not unlike the Adam West Batman.
L: By then, the show was more "cartoony" then ever, and made no attempt to create any dramatic suspense.
S: The original cast members were the subject of vicious stereotypes prevalent at the time. Shaggy was a direct rip-off of a character on "The Many Lives of Dobie Gillis". We are surprised that Bob Denver was not used as the voice artist. Also, SD was formed from the "I Love a Mystery" radio show.
L: Fred was the strong male lead that was necessary to rally the team into action and forge into a situation they really had no reason to enter. He was a one-dimensional plot device used to jump start the episode.
S: Daphne…Daphne…the poor girl was the over-enthusiastic, clumsy one who would serve as eye candy and would open the wrong door, fall down the trap door, or do something that would allow the plot to continue. Also, she was prone to making obvious comments that everyone could see. This was due to these Saturday morning cartoons being referred to as "animated radio". It was easier to describe something than to illustrate it.
L: Then Velma…she really got it bad. She fell prey to worst typecasting. She was the brainy, unattractive girl who could make intellectual comments, and would solve the mystery in part while the male lead made the closing statements, all the while she never deterred his attention from the task at hand.
S: Scooby-Doo…just there to take advantage of the animation, and to give Shaggy a comedic partner. Comedy works best in pairs. Ever wonder why no one ever questioned why the dog was talking?
L: In time, Shaggy and Scooby took over the show, and became the authority figures. No one cared about any of the others. Except perhaps us.
S: Another thing about SD was that it contained the "countrified" anti- urban values that were common of the day. Ever notice how often they were in the woods or some run-down amusement park? Some may accuse us of ignoring A Pup Named Scooby-Doo, which actually gave the characters some depth that could be accepted intellectually. Are we? YES.
L: To make this fic work, we needed a neutral ground for all the characters that would be suitable for SD.
As a passing joke, one of us mentioned The Red Green show. We realized that it was perfect. It is a rural setting filled white, male, less than intelligent people. Every character was a prime SD villain. Also, the most obvious suspect would turn out to be innocent. The one person it could never be would be the villain. SD was notorious for this. There were many times where the villain could never have been who it was and fit in the story.
S: An old idea was to create an entirely new cast of characters, or to have a convention of old SD villains. Both would have required too much work for such a casual activity.
L: If anyone has not seen Red Green, check Redgreen.com, as mentioned in Ch. 3. It's worth watching. The backwoodsmen of Canada were perfect characters for an SD story.
S: Then a villain had to be chosen. We selected Harold.
L: Harold was a prime choice due to several factors. First, he was the most likely to snap, due to his always being pushed around. He was the only one around with the necessary brains to pull off an operation like that. And he was usually right, and was made to suffer for it.
S: Of course, it was made very obvious from the beginning who the villain was. Why so obvious? It always was. It was part of the traditional format of SD.
L: I had to enter SD with as regular a plot line as possible. Otherwise, I would not be able to properly react to the Scooby-Doo setting. Also, considering that I am, while exactly immortal, very long-lived and well preserved, I needed to have a point of contact with characters that I could have known in my past, and would not notice that I haven't aged. And considering that SD gang hasn't aged in 33 years, they fit well.
S: Some comments have been made regarding the drug content in this fanfic, and accusations have been made that we were betraying the spirit of SD.
L: Listen up, little girls. This fic was never about Scooby-Doo. It was always about ME! Worse perversions have happened to this genre anyway. Why, I could direct you certain NC-17 fics…
S: Down, boy. The drugs were needed to give Loki a reason to be at the lodge that correlated with his character. Given his activities, it would take something like this to get him all the way to Canada. Also, there have been many rumors surrounding Shaggy's extracurricular activities. This gives Loki and the SD gang a common point of contact to begin the story.
L: So where did we get the ideas for these twists on the SD characters? Anyone with a decent amount of intelligence can see that these character de- evolutions were in effect before we ever came along.
S: So what happened? As the show progressed, people stopped believing that the characters would keep making the same mistakes and actions over and over again. So the characters experienced a severe decrease in intelligence. This could be referred to as the Married with Children or Boy Meets World syndrome. On all these shows, the characters became more insane and stupid as they went along. It served as a way for the writers that were running out of ideas to formulate silly and absurd plots that would never have worked with more intelligent characters.
L: At this point, Daphne got really dumb, and Velma stopped making her mystery-solving comments. It eventually became a giant chase scene after the writers got tired of creating an actual mystery.
S: In the eighties, Fred and Velma were shown to be ultimately disposable, and were taken from the show, leaving Shaggy, Scooby, Scrappy, and a super intelligent Daphne. Why her? She's pretty.
In essence, the girls were heavily exploited.
L: Then, we needed a true villain. Fred. Why Fred? There wasn't anything else we could do with him. Besides, we both hate Fred. Fred was the spineless leader. The first to lead everyone into danger, and the first to run from it. Ever notice he always in front on everyone when they ran? Then stays in the back when he sets up an overly elaborate trap that involves using everyone as bait…except him. He epitomized the Marlon Perkins "human shield" principle. He barked orders as long as he was behind someone.
S: Also, another problem that arose was that Fred was the one character that never changed. He was always the same as the years went on. He was the constant in the SD universe. So we really had nothing that we could do with him. Making him gay stemmed from the numerous times that Daphne has clung to him, and he never noticed. Who else would make no acknowledgement of someone that looked like Daphne hanging off you?
L: One of the best places we found to satirize the characters came from the Cartoon Network's episodes involving Gary Coleman and Johnny Bravo. They are both highly recommended, though the former is superior.
S: My arrival in the fic was also to provide me with some stretching room, but more importantly, to flesh out my relationship to Loki. I will play a crucial role in the novel, and I needed to be made more three-dimensional. Of course, to justify my presence in this fic, Harold had to be made a master criminal genius. If he were small-time, the use of me would be the equivalent of siking a Doberman Pincer on a goldfish.
L: That's an awfully out-of-character ego spurt, Stone.
S: I am aware of my abilities, Loki.
L: Hmph. Anyhow, bringing Stone into this would end the story very quickly. So Shaggy and I have to work together to slow him down. This gives me a chance to shine in my brilliance and cunning.
S: And to illustrate how well Loki and I work as a team. We both function much better than we would alone.
L: We also developed our distinctive brands of humor. Mine, the intelligent, and semi-malicious observations…and Stone, who should be stoned for those horrible puns.
S: Also, writing out Velma quickly was for the same reason as my own retardation of efficiency. We kept her very intelligent, and she also would have ended the story very quickly. Also, we felt sorry for Velma, and wanted to give her something she deserved.
L: In a way, everyone won something in this. Shaggy and Scooby became their own people, Daphne got her brain back, and Velma got to release her tension from being alone for so long.
S: We both have a soft spot for Harold, so we had him win above all others. He gained true criminal ascendance, and got off scot-free.
L: I got the Pussycats. Stone got that Waterford crystal. The only person who didn't win anything was…Fred. But, we didn't want him to win anything, anyway.
S: Well, that's all I have.
L: That's all I have, too. So what now?
-They both walk away-
CUT!
STRIKE SET!
-The lights go out on Possum Lodge. The hard lights go back up, revealing Possum Lodge to be only a small model. Numerous stagehands swarm the area, taking down lights, carrying away furniture, and disassembling the walls of the set, leaving only a concrete floor covered in marking tape. A man in a white T-shirt reading DIRECTOR is pointing out places to take the set pieces. His baseball cap keeps his face in shadow. The back wall of the Lodge is carted away, revealing the green room behind. The cast of both the Red Green show and Scooby-Doo are lounging in easy chairs snacking on finger foods. Many are hanging around the ashtrays smoking, as actors are wont to do…and they are. The director walks over to the cast and removes his cap. Loki smiles to everyone and joins them. In a moment, Stone enters, wearing a T-shirt reading PRODUCER. He is carrying a large stack of paychecks. The lesser members of the Red Green Show take their money and go. Before Graham Greene leaves, Stone talks with him.
S: Mr. Greene…I agree that Dances with Wolves was a fine, enjoyable film, however, I do think that your performance in Maverick was far more entertaining. There are some excellent comedic moments…particularly the scheme involving the Russian Diplomat.
Gr: I suppose so, you know, I sure am grateful to Clint Eastwood for actually casting real Natives in his films. Otherwise the only gigs I'd be doing would be standing outside cigar stores.
-Greene goes. Enter Steve Smith. Now dressed formally in a three piece suit-
L: Oh, Steve, we need to keep that beard.
-Loki grabs hold of the beard-
Sm: YEOW! (Now using a Oxford dialect with a deep baritone) That beard is real, thank you. If you will excuse me, director, I have an appointment to keep in Florence. Luciano Povaratti has come down with laryngitis and I am needed to complete the now unformulated Three Tenors.
L: That's lovely, Steve. Stone's got your pay.
-Enter Fred, dressed casually in a t-shirt and jeans. He is carrying his sailor suit and Velma suit in a garment bag over his shoulder. The fake casts are tucked under his arm-
F: Hey Loki? Where do I put this stuff?
L: The costumes go to Maureen in costuming. The casts are for Paul in props.
F: Ah, thanks.
S: Mr. Smith. I do find it rather amazing that you are able to portray such an eccentric character, given your refined upbringing. How does one such as yourself gather the ideas for such unusual characters?
-Enter Patrick McHenna, in full Scottish garb, complete with shoulder sash and kilt-
P: Och! Ye laddies be sickinen' me wi' your constrictin' pantaloons!
Sm: It isn't too hard. Patrick, would you please put on some underwear?
P: In the motherland 'o Scotland, we let Nessie roam free!
L: And in Canada, we sik Steve Irwin on snakes. You want the Croc Hunter to grab ya by the tail?
P: What a revoltin' thought. Ah, Fred. Jus' the man I been wantin' to see. I wanted to commend ye in yer perseverance in takin' all those mishaps that occurred in the shoot. (Punches Fred in arm) I knocked ye o'er the table a bit hard…(another punch) and pushed ye down the stairs a bit off…(another) and smacked upsi' the head a bit rough…(and another) hope there's no hard feelings.
F: (Rubbing his bruised arm) Not until recently.
P: Good te hear! Ye're a real Scotsman! I'll take me pay, Stone. I've got a shit load of boozin' an pukin' to do!
-Patrick leaves-
Sm: I shall retire as well. Talley-Ho, all!
-Steve leaves-
F: Stone? Is that rubber chicken still handy?
S: I believe that it is on the prop table.
F: Thank you.
-Fred sneaks off after Patrick. A moment later…
WUNK
P: OCH!
WUNK SMACK CLUB CRACK BLEED SCREAM WASHING MACHINE ROTARY ENGINE OUCHIE THAT IS GONNA LEAVE A MARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Enter Daphne. She is wearing a simple suit, has tied her hair in a nonelaborate ponytail, and is wearing no makeup. She looks like a female banker, actually.
L: Hey Daphne, that was amazing what you did in Chapter 11. (Placing a hand on her shoulder) Care to meet later and refine the techniques?
D: (Shyly) You're touching me.
L: Oh, sorry.
D: I hope I wasn't too forward in those scenes. I'm not very comfortable doing those things.
L: That's just fine. Maybe I could help you get over it.
D: I can't. I'm busy. I have a microbiology lecture at Harvard tomorrow.
L: And later?
D: I have a shoot at the Playboy mansion.
L: HUH? I have to get back in Hugh's good graces now.
-Daphne collects her pay and goes. A fingernail traces down Loki's spine-
L: What the?
-Velma is standing behind him, still wearing her leather costume-
L: Velma, Maureen's going to need that.
V: It's mine. I always wear this stuff.
L: Oh. So…what are you doing after all this?
V: I have a two runway walks for Just My Size and Victoria's Secret. But after the funeral…I should be free.
L: Funeral?
-Peter Keleghan comes lurching in, looking like the walking dead. He is flushed, and is very weak.
L: Peter? Shouldn't you take some time off? This could be fatal to you.
G: Yeah, but what a way to go.
L: I can't argue with that.
V: Like I said, look me up at the wake.
L: Wait…you're Irish, too. Aren't you, Velma?
V: As Irish as you, Loki.
L: Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh…
-Exit Velma and Peter-
S: We still have three checks left to distribute.
L: Who's left?
-Enter Shaggy. He is wearing a silk suit; looking a lot like Don Johnson's fashion style.
S: Hello, Norville. Back to Hollywood with you then?
Sh: Yes, I have to do the Weekly Top 40 in the morning.
L: How's the record label coming?
Sh: Not bad. I just signed three bands from Canada. This place is a jackpot of unknown talent.
L: See ya, Norv.
-Shaggy goes-
-Enter Scooby, walking on his hind legs and holding his back in pain-
S: Mister Mochrie…you can remove the costume now.
-Scooby unzips his stomach, and Colin Mochrie emerges.
L: I am impressed, Colin. When I saw you doing Scooby-Doo on Whose Line, I knew you were perfect for the part. You did so much better than, say, Greg Proops.
C: Thanks, Clive. You know, I miss Clive. The other guys would go after him instead of me, and he could defend himself. Now it's just constant bald jokes. That's why I left. Drew just takes it, so they go for me.
S: Oh, Mr. Mochrie. I just received a call from George Lucas. He wants to hire you.
C: Really? What did he say?
S: He wants to use you in the new Star Wars film. He needs someone to play Jar Jar Binks.
C: …maybe I'll go back to Whose Line after all…
-Exit Colin Mochrie-
-Re-enter Fred, wiping off a lot of blood from the rubber chicken-
F: Thanks, guys.
L: Anytime. Hey, Fred, we're sorry that we weren't able to do much with you.
S: Indeed, we searched as much as could to find a more substantial role, but all we could manage was a maniacal villain.
F: I'm actually thankful. Hanna-Barbera did me no justice with that role. I finally got to do something other than "Let's Go, Gang!" It's ridiculous. The comic books gave my character more depth than the television show ever did.
L: So what are you going to do now?
F: I'll just go back to the Cartoon Network and be a stand-in for Johnny Bravo. He never does his own stunts you, know. He's too worried about his face. Do you have any plans for another Scooby-Doo special?
S: Not that we know of.
F: Oh…see you two.
L: Bye Fred…Stone, send him a 500 dollar bonus.
S: I'm making it a thousand.
L: Good idea.
-Gary Coleman tugs on Loki's pant leg-
Ga: Loki? We're set for the exposition.
L: Thank you, Gary…Gary? Where did you go?
-The entire environment has vanished. There is only a field of white-
S: Loki?
L: GAH! Why are you here? Of all the things to still be here, you're still here?
S: Of course. All the illusions have been dropped. We are standing in blank space to provide the exposition in its purity. We have been reduced to ego extensions of the authors to communicate their intentions in this literature.
L: Then why are you still talking like a lawyer?
S: The author whom I represent uses a very refined vocabulary. Yours, on the other hand, resorts to crudity.
L: Hmph.
S: To begin. I am not Philo Stone, and neither are you.
L: I am not Loki Gwydion, though I wish I were.
S: We are to present the authors', yes there are two, ideas and input on the creation of this fanfic.
L: We start off with my creation. I was created for use in a White Wolf game, and was going to be an Immortal, Highlander-esque. But when my creator began his novel, starring me, the copyright issues came into play, and I was altered into a less recognizable form. Hence the mage, a more general characiture, and also more versatile.
S: Loki's use in the novel was to be used as a satirization of the fantasy hero, which is usually characterized by someone like Frodo Baggins, who is a spineless baby who cries all the time, and needs to be kicked in the ass to do anything, and is possessing of moral values and strength that are impossible for a normal human to maintain.
L: Stone? You just sounded like me.
S: The format was a partnered effort. The actual wording is left to your counterpart.
L: Cool. I am the element of realism and intelligence that needed to be added to the modern hero so badly. Someone who as devious as the villains, sometimes more so, and I win because of this. I also am too damn smart to get myself into some of the stupid situations other "heros" get into. If anyone knows their folklore, you will realize I bear many similarities to the true definition of hero, which more like Odysseus or Achilles. It was common for the people to run away screaming, "Look out! Here come the heros!" The old time hero was as flawed, if not more, than the common man was. Henceforth, I am not about to go risking myself in an altruistic fashion to get a plotline moving.
S: Hence my addition. I was introduced as a counterpoint to Loki, a polar opposite to him. I am here to kick Loki into action. Otherwise, he would be content to live in a bubble of comfort. Also, I exist as a satire of the modern hero. The modern definition of hero is one who is a white knight on a white horse who never thinks of himself and risks himself for total strangers and never gets hurt. I satirize this by being so good and perfect, it is impossible, even by the modern standard. I am essentially Doc Savage, the perfect man. I am so perfect, it sickens you. If anyone is not made ill by my perfection, you need to stop watching kiddie cartoons.
L: If you are wondering about the similarities between us physically, there is connection between us. But to reveal that now would spoil the surprise in the book.
S: Speaking of that, the book is an ongoing project for this author, and he decided to take a side project to more fully develop the two of us. Because, both authors hate when a book has characters that are obviously being made up as they go along.
L: So this was a form of writing exercise. It was decided that for me to become more full, the best way was to remove me from my normal environment, which was still being concocted, and to place me a static, established one, and see how I responded.
S: And, of course, there is no environment more static than Scooby-Doo.
L: Despite that statement, many may not realize that SD was rather risqué for its time. It essentially combined action-adventure and a situation comedy. Envision Mission: Impossible meets Three's Company.
On second thought…don't envision that.
S: SD, being contrived in 1969, contained many anti-establishment sentiments. Here you have a group of kids under 20 with no adult supervision, who are financially independent, though I could never figure out how; who are tackling middle-aged, white males who are generally trying to make a claim on real estate to gather monetary gains. In essence, adult businessmen.
L: The problem with SD arose in that it lasted far too long. Most cartoons put out one or two seasons of material. Then are forgotten. Who remembers Super President? SD was such a commercial jackpot; the studio could not afford to take it off the air. So to compensate, new spin-offs were made. The Scooby Movies with Celebrity Guest stars was the beginning of the end. Particularly when the celebrities where either dead, like Laurel and Hardy, or fictional, like Batman and Robin. It reached its nadir when Tom Conway was used, and was completely wasted as a talent.
S: After this, the gang was recycled into the Laffalymics, and was given new characters, such Scooby Dumb as Scrappy Doo. Neither was well received.
L: Shit. If I'd been there, I would have used Scrappy as a hand grenade. Just throw him in the guy's face, he'd be as nasty as a face hugger alien. Surprised no one thought of that.
S: Yeeeeesssss…in time, the show could no longer be taken seriously. At this point, Fred and Velma were abandoned; the atmosphere was forsaken for campy version not unlike the Adam West Batman.
L: By then, the show was more "cartoony" then ever, and made no attempt to create any dramatic suspense.
S: The original cast members were the subject of vicious stereotypes prevalent at the time. Shaggy was a direct rip-off of a character on "The Many Lives of Dobie Gillis". We are surprised that Bob Denver was not used as the voice artist. Also, SD was formed from the "I Love a Mystery" radio show.
L: Fred was the strong male lead that was necessary to rally the team into action and forge into a situation they really had no reason to enter. He was a one-dimensional plot device used to jump start the episode.
S: Daphne…Daphne…the poor girl was the over-enthusiastic, clumsy one who would serve as eye candy and would open the wrong door, fall down the trap door, or do something that would allow the plot to continue. Also, she was prone to making obvious comments that everyone could see. This was due to these Saturday morning cartoons being referred to as "animated radio". It was easier to describe something than to illustrate it.
L: Then Velma…she really got it bad. She fell prey to worst typecasting. She was the brainy, unattractive girl who could make intellectual comments, and would solve the mystery in part while the male lead made the closing statements, all the while she never deterred his attention from the task at hand.
S: Scooby-Doo…just there to take advantage of the animation, and to give Shaggy a comedic partner. Comedy works best in pairs. Ever wonder why no one ever questioned why the dog was talking?
L: In time, Shaggy and Scooby took over the show, and became the authority figures. No one cared about any of the others. Except perhaps us.
S: Another thing about SD was that it contained the "countrified" anti- urban values that were common of the day. Ever notice how often they were in the woods or some run-down amusement park? Some may accuse us of ignoring A Pup Named Scooby-Doo, which actually gave the characters some depth that could be accepted intellectually. Are we? YES.
L: To make this fic work, we needed a neutral ground for all the characters that would be suitable for SD.
As a passing joke, one of us mentioned The Red Green show. We realized that it was perfect. It is a rural setting filled white, male, less than intelligent people. Every character was a prime SD villain. Also, the most obvious suspect would turn out to be innocent. The one person it could never be would be the villain. SD was notorious for this. There were many times where the villain could never have been who it was and fit in the story.
S: An old idea was to create an entirely new cast of characters, or to have a convention of old SD villains. Both would have required too much work for such a casual activity.
L: If anyone has not seen Red Green, check Redgreen.com, as mentioned in Ch. 3. It's worth watching. The backwoodsmen of Canada were perfect characters for an SD story.
S: Then a villain had to be chosen. We selected Harold.
L: Harold was a prime choice due to several factors. First, he was the most likely to snap, due to his always being pushed around. He was the only one around with the necessary brains to pull off an operation like that. And he was usually right, and was made to suffer for it.
S: Of course, it was made very obvious from the beginning who the villain was. Why so obvious? It always was. It was part of the traditional format of SD.
L: I had to enter SD with as regular a plot line as possible. Otherwise, I would not be able to properly react to the Scooby-Doo setting. Also, considering that I am, while exactly immortal, very long-lived and well preserved, I needed to have a point of contact with characters that I could have known in my past, and would not notice that I haven't aged. And considering that SD gang hasn't aged in 33 years, they fit well.
S: Some comments have been made regarding the drug content in this fanfic, and accusations have been made that we were betraying the spirit of SD.
L: Listen up, little girls. This fic was never about Scooby-Doo. It was always about ME! Worse perversions have happened to this genre anyway. Why, I could direct you certain NC-17 fics…
S: Down, boy. The drugs were needed to give Loki a reason to be at the lodge that correlated with his character. Given his activities, it would take something like this to get him all the way to Canada. Also, there have been many rumors surrounding Shaggy's extracurricular activities. This gives Loki and the SD gang a common point of contact to begin the story.
L: So where did we get the ideas for these twists on the SD characters? Anyone with a decent amount of intelligence can see that these character de- evolutions were in effect before we ever came along.
S: So what happened? As the show progressed, people stopped believing that the characters would keep making the same mistakes and actions over and over again. So the characters experienced a severe decrease in intelligence. This could be referred to as the Married with Children or Boy Meets World syndrome. On all these shows, the characters became more insane and stupid as they went along. It served as a way for the writers that were running out of ideas to formulate silly and absurd plots that would never have worked with more intelligent characters.
L: At this point, Daphne got really dumb, and Velma stopped making her mystery-solving comments. It eventually became a giant chase scene after the writers got tired of creating an actual mystery.
S: In the eighties, Fred and Velma were shown to be ultimately disposable, and were taken from the show, leaving Shaggy, Scooby, Scrappy, and a super intelligent Daphne. Why her? She's pretty.
In essence, the girls were heavily exploited.
L: Then, we needed a true villain. Fred. Why Fred? There wasn't anything else we could do with him. Besides, we both hate Fred. Fred was the spineless leader. The first to lead everyone into danger, and the first to run from it. Ever notice he always in front on everyone when they ran? Then stays in the back when he sets up an overly elaborate trap that involves using everyone as bait…except him. He epitomized the Marlon Perkins "human shield" principle. He barked orders as long as he was behind someone.
S: Also, another problem that arose was that Fred was the one character that never changed. He was always the same as the years went on. He was the constant in the SD universe. So we really had nothing that we could do with him. Making him gay stemmed from the numerous times that Daphne has clung to him, and he never noticed. Who else would make no acknowledgement of someone that looked like Daphne hanging off you?
L: One of the best places we found to satirize the characters came from the Cartoon Network's episodes involving Gary Coleman and Johnny Bravo. They are both highly recommended, though the former is superior.
S: My arrival in the fic was also to provide me with some stretching room, but more importantly, to flesh out my relationship to Loki. I will play a crucial role in the novel, and I needed to be made more three-dimensional. Of course, to justify my presence in this fic, Harold had to be made a master criminal genius. If he were small-time, the use of me would be the equivalent of siking a Doberman Pincer on a goldfish.
L: That's an awfully out-of-character ego spurt, Stone.
S: I am aware of my abilities, Loki.
L: Hmph. Anyhow, bringing Stone into this would end the story very quickly. So Shaggy and I have to work together to slow him down. This gives me a chance to shine in my brilliance and cunning.
S: And to illustrate how well Loki and I work as a team. We both function much better than we would alone.
L: We also developed our distinctive brands of humor. Mine, the intelligent, and semi-malicious observations…and Stone, who should be stoned for those horrible puns.
S: Also, writing out Velma quickly was for the same reason as my own retardation of efficiency. We kept her very intelligent, and she also would have ended the story very quickly. Also, we felt sorry for Velma, and wanted to give her something she deserved.
L: In a way, everyone won something in this. Shaggy and Scooby became their own people, Daphne got her brain back, and Velma got to release her tension from being alone for so long.
S: We both have a soft spot for Harold, so we had him win above all others. He gained true criminal ascendance, and got off scot-free.
L: I got the Pussycats. Stone got that Waterford crystal. The only person who didn't win anything was…Fred. But, we didn't want him to win anything, anyway.
S: Well, that's all I have.
L: That's all I have, too. So what now?
-They both walk away-