Revenge of the Cows

Written by: DJ Tifa, SuperSatoshi, and Kai Li

These are our pen names on FanFiction.net. Enjoy!

Note from Tifa: This is our second short (well it's actually somewhat long) story. We'll continue writing them if we get enough reviews. *smile* Read and enjoy the craziness!

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"Help, no da!" a scream from outside yelled.

Tasuki, who wondered what happened to his new husband, dashed to the backyard, to see a cow, with a face exactly like Chichiri's mask. "Okay, Chichiri, that was an AWFUL joke..."

"I'm serious, no da! I've been turned into a cow! MOO, no da!"

"What the hell?! Who did this to you, Chiri-chan?!" Tasuki yelled.

Chichiri-cow answered, "I don't know, no da moo! I was just standing here when I found myself a cow, no da moooo!"

Suddenly, an evil laughter came from...somewhere, as a weird, cloud-like...thing appeared, and looked straight into Chichiri and Tasuki. "I...am the Cow god," he said.

Tasuki coughed. "That's it? No explosions, no fireworks? Talk about a crappy entrance..."

"Quiet...the cows are disturbed lately. They are sick and tired of being killed, and it's up to me, to prevent more of them from dying."

"You only die once, no da. MOO, no da!"

"And why are you in the form of a cloud?"

"I'm a GOD, you idiot!"

"Right...god..."

"SHUT UP!"

Miaka suddenly pops out of no where and spots a cow. "Ooohh, munchies!" she shrieks and runs after Chichiri the cow.

Chichiri, hearing something that sounded like a crappy war cry, turns around and screams, "Tasuki-chan! Save me! Miaka-sama's gone berserk!"

Out of NOWHERE, the teenage girl from the first fic popped out and zapped Chichiri back to normal. "Chichiri will NOT be eaten!" she said, sweatdropping. She then poofed away. Not long afterwards, an evil looking psycho dude jumps from the sky and zaps Chichiri back to his cow form before vanishing. Don't know why the Cow god didn't do it...

Miaka shrugged. "Fair enough..."

Tasuki let out a heavy sigh. When he next looked at Miaka, he saw her drinking a large glass of milk.

"Mmm...so warm and creamy! Not like at home, where the milk has to be cleaned!" Miaka grinned contentedly.

"She squeezed too hard, no da. I'm sore, no da. MOO, no da!"

Tasuki glares at Miaka and says, "How dare you touch my Chiri-chan!"

Chichiri sweatdrops and replies, "It's okay Tasuki-chan, it didn't hurt THAT much..."

Miaka stopped drinking and looked at the Chichiri cow. "A talking cow?!" she exclaims.

"If you even bothered to come LOOK at his face, you'd realize it's Chichiri!" Tasuki crossed his arms.

Miaka runs beside Tasuki and looks back and forth from his face to Chichiri's face. "Chichiri?! But, how?!"

"I don't know how it happened, no da."

"No, I mean HOW can you be a cow? Cows are female!" She looked at what remained of the milk and dumped it onto the grass. "I can't believe I just drank milk that came from Chichiri's--"

"Okay, you know what? Why don't we go and summon Taiitsukun somewhere. Maybe that old bag can tell us how to get this...curse-thing off of Chichiri."

"DAMN IT, WILL YOU STOP IGNORING ME?!" the Cow god exclaimed.

Everyone looks up at the bloated cloud. "That's better," the Cow god bellowed.

Miaka ponders and says, "Hey Mr. Cow god dude, would you, by any chance, be able to come down here?" she grins evilly.

Tasuki and Chichiri look at Miaka like she's some kind of food-crazed girl as they shake their heads. "She'll never change," Tasuki mutters.

The Cow god dude thing replied, "No! You will suffer!" and laughed evilly as he poofed away. Everyone just...sweatdropped.

"Damn! I wanted to eat him!" Miaka exclaimed.

Tasuki groaned. "His exit's worse than his entrance!"

"Um...I'm still a cow, no da."

Chichiri whimpers and looks as if he's going to cry. Tasuki pats Chichiri the cow on the head and says in a comforting voice, "Don't worry Chiri-chan, we'll find a way somehow to get you back to your original form."

Chichiri, Tasuki, and Miaka start heading towards where Taiitsukun is. When they get there, Taiitsukun poofs in front of them.

"Hello everyone. What are you--AAHHH WHAT IS THIS COW DOING HERE?!" she yelled.

Tasuki sweatdropped. "The least you could do is use less smoke when poofing yourself," he replied, coughing.

"Some evil Cow god thing came and changed me into this, no da! He said something like, the cows want revenge, no da! Moo, no da!"

The old hag with the countless wrinkles gasped. "Then the prophecy of the global Cow Wars is coming true," she stated.

"Global Cow Wars? Okay, no offense, but that sounds really stupid," Miaka comments.

Chichiri stares at Taiitsukun and asks, "Is this some stupid joke, no da?!"

Taiitsukun laughs and says, "The cows want revenge! They're going to revolt and take over the world! I don't know why they chose you, Chichiri, because you don't eat cows."

Chichiri whines and sobs hysterically.

Tasuki pouts and shouts "Goddammit! What did we do to deserve this?!"

Taiitsukun clears her throat and says, "You must find the five Cow relics. They are scattered across Konan."

"Wha?! THIS IS LIKE SOME TYPICAL RPG!" yelled Miaka.

"Oh wait, I know what will help!" Taiitsukun reached into her pocket and pulled out something. "I forgot, this cures the curse of the cow."

"What is it?" Tasuki asks.

"Manure..."

Miaka blinks. "And..."

"It's obvious, isn't it?! He has to EAT IT!"

Everybody turned pale, as Taiitsukun laughed. "It's a joke, it's a joke! It's actually a brownie. It's one of those cakes from Miaka's world. All he has to do is eat it, and he'll return to nor--hey, where is it?"

Miaka was licking her lips. "Mmm! It's been AGES since I had a brownie!"

Everybody face faults.

"Miaka, you idiot! Chichiri was supposed to eat that! Now we have to go and find the relics!" Tasuki clenched a fist. "Oh, Chiri-chan, I'll love you, even if you ARE a cow!"

"Thanks, Tasuki...I think. Moo, no da."

"But...If Chichiri stays a cow forever, I might be tempted to eat him!" Miaka exclaims.

Chichiri screams in horror and hides behind Tasuki.

"Nuh uh, you're not getting near him!"

"So where is the first relic, no da?" Chichiri asked.

Taiitsukun said, "The first relic is at a lake around Mount Reikaku. There will be a clue there to find the next relic, also."

"Well what are we waitin' for?! Let's get movin'!" Tasuki yelled. The small group then headed towards Mount Reikaku.

So the group moved out quickly to get the first relic. They eventually managed to arrive at the exact location. "I guess we dig or something," Tasuki said, as he took out a mini-shovel and started digging.

"Hey, it's a box," Miaka replied, picking up. "There's a lock on it."

"Leave that to me." Tasuki picked out some lock picks and managed to get the box open. There was a big glow from inside the box.

"Ooh..." Everybody awed.

"KICK-ASS!" Tamahome who appeared from God knows where, picked up what was inside. "It's a naked chick!"

Miaka sweatdropped and took what was in Tamahome's hands. "A porno magazine?!"

"Whatever THAT is, gimme, gimme, gimme!"

"THIS is the first relic, no da?!" Chichiri asked. Chichiri sighs and looks up at Tasuki. "Tasuki-chan..."

Tasuki pats Chichiri the cow and replies, "It's okay! We'll turn you back to normal!" He grins his toothy grin and grabs the magazine from the drooling Tamahome. "Gimme that, you!"

"Okay, we have the first relic, that leaves four left," Miaka states.

"Ooh, on another quest for adventure?" Tamahome asks.

"Sort of, we need to find relics to change Chichiri back go normal," Tasuki explains.

"Yeah, speaking of Chichiri, where is he...?"

"Right in front your eyes, no da!" Chichiri the cow exclaims.

"You transformed into a cow?" Tamahome's face turned beet red, as he tried to maintain his laughter.

"Oh, knock it off, no da! I hate being like this! I've never felt so fat in my entire--Miaka, what are you doing now, no da?"

Miaka sweatdropped, with another full glass of milk in her hand. "Um...I got thirsty, I hope you don't mind." She gulped the glass and sighed contentedly.

"Don't make a habit of this, no da..."

Tamahome looked inside the box that contained the porno magazine and found a note. Its contents read: 'The next relic is found where no light can reach...deep in a watery grave--oh, to hell with this, it's in the underwater cave in this lake. Just dive in and get it. These notes are really stupid...'

Everybody sweatdrops.

Tasuki, looking confident, starts taking off his shirt (Yeah girls start drooling =P). He dives into the lake gracefully swimming around. Everybody else removed a piece of clothing, and followed Tasuki into the lake.

Suddenly, Tasuki starts squirming and racing to the surface. "AHHHH WATER!! I CAN'T SWIM!!" he screams loudly. Chichiri, being a cow, floats aimlessly on the lake's surface.

Chichiri sweatdrops. "If you don't know how to swim, why did you jump into the water, no da?"

"SHUT UP! HELP ME!"

Chichiri sighed. "Fine, climb up on my back no da. And watch where you place your feet, no da!"

Tasuki scrambled to get onto Chichiri's back, then sighed in relief. "That was scary, I was afraid I was going to drown..."

"MOO! MOO, no da!"

"Stop that! You're going to make me fall off!"

Tamahome and Miaka eventually found a cave. They entered it and swam up. It lead into a small, airy clearing with another treasure chest.

Miaka kicked the treasure chest, and it opened. There was the second relic and another note. The note read: 'The third relic is hidden underneath a big fat sleeping dragon. Location: Er...due to my short memo, I can't remember...eh heh...sorry heroes!'

Miaka looked into the box. "For the love of God..."

"What, what?"

Miaka picked up the relic and showed it to Tamahome. "It's a pink pair of panties...with bunnies all over it."

"I'm not blind Miaka, I can see what they are..."

...

"...can you try them on for me?" Tamahome asks.

Miaka face faults. "I'm not going to change into a God knows how old pair of panties just for entertainment, let's just, get out of here!"

They swam back to the surface and went to the shore, where Tasuki and Chichiri the cow were waiting.

They showed them the next clue.

Tasuki pouted and yelled, "The f*ck's wrong with these notes?!"

Chichiri thought for a moment and said, "I think I heard a legend of an old dragon that lived in the mountains of northern Kutou, no da..."

"Hmm?" everyone else asks Chichiri.

"Hai, no da! The legends say a fiery dragon dwells in those mountains protecting his treasure from intruders and robbers, ne na no da. Um, the scripts I read about the myth ends here."

So our heroes venture forth to find the next relic, that is apparently under some obese dragon. However, will they get there? Only time will tell...

TO BE CONTINUED!!!

Just kidding! Like we'd ever do THAT to you...hey, that's not a bad idea...*ahem*

Anyway, they travelled until they reached northern Kutou. The group walked through the mountain range until the temperature started getting hotter.

"Whew, it sure is hot here, no da!" Chichiri exclaimed.

Tasuki grinned pervertedly and said, "When you become a human again, I know a couple of things to do that'll make ya feel even hotter, Chiri-chan."

Everyone sweatdropped.

Chichiri simply kicked Tasuki.

As they got a bit higher, the dragon came into full view. It was the widest thing anybody has ever seen. Geez, look at the size of this thing. If there is a relic here, I hope it hasn't been crushed by that dragon...

"Look, no da, it's right under its nose," Chichiri points.

"Who's gonna go get it?" Miaka asks.

"Well, since I'm pretty much perfect in any muscular form possible..." He walked behind Tasuki and started to shove him towards the dragon. "I believe that Tasuki's perfect for getting this relic..."

"Wh-hey, stop pushing me! The note said it's supposed to be UNDER the dragon!"

"Stop yelling you moron, you'll wake it up..." Tamahome whispered.

"LIKE I GIVE A F*CK!"

There was a silent growl from the dragon, as its eyes opened, the first thing it sees being Tasuki and Tamahome.

"Well," Tamahome grinned. "...AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he turned around and dashed away, with the dragon trying hard to stand up.

Tasuki pointed and laughed. "Look at this everybody, this dragon's so fat, it can't even stand up!" He continued to laugh, as he was soon engulfed comically in flames. He exhaled smoke, as everything on Tasuki was charred black. "Ow..."

As the dragon tried to fly, it moved slightly off the ledge of the mountain before giving up, and collapsing down the cliff to its horrible, bloody death.

"Well, that was easy, no da!" Chichiri smiled.

"Speak for yourself," Tasuki coughed.

Tamahome saw a box pounded flat into the ground, as he pulled it up. He wiped some of the dust off as he opened the chest. What he saw was a small square of paper, that was slightly inflated in the center.

"Hey, what's this?" Tasuki asks.

Tamahome shrugged. "I don't know...it's really thick. Miaka, what do you think?"

Miaka's face was beet red, as she walks forward and snatches the item from Tamahome's hand. "You...don't need to know what it is," she replied, sticking the item into her pocket.

Miaka then went over and read the clue for the next relic, as they went to get that, and then the final one. I'd go into more detail, but this fic's getting a little bit long, ne?

Now, it's the final showdown between the Cow god thing, and, everybody else.

"MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" the evil thing laughed. "You are too late! You waited too long, and now, it's all MINE! MINE I TELL YOU! AS IN CONQUERED!"

"...you're holding a glass bottle, no da," Chichiri the cow replied. "Moo, no da."

"Yes, that's right! The cows want TOTAL revenge...and THIS IS HOW IT WILL BE DONE!" He takes the glass bottle, and tosses it violently to the ground, shattering it to millions of pieces.

Miaka blinked. "What the hell was that supposed to prove...?"

"Next time humans, think twice before killing more of the COWS, because NEXT time...I'll destroy a WINDOW!"

A mockery gasp was created by all.

"MWA HA HA HA HA HA!" the Cow god cackled, as a ray of light was flashed over Chichiri, changing his physical form back into a human. "NOW YOU HAVE BEEN PUNISHED!" he yelled, poofing away.

There was a brief moment of silence.

"Ya know, he could have at LEAST put in a cool explosion," Tasuki commented. "This villain just sucks. But I don't think we'll ever see him again."

Miaka finished another glass of milk. "Yep! We won!"

"Miaka, how did you get that, no da?" Chichiri asked.

"I snuck in a glass before he changed you back!"

Chichiri sweatdropped. He and Tasuki then gave each other seductive looks as they ran back inside the palace-thing where they reside...

Miaka and Tamahome were now alone outdoors.

"So...what do we do with the relics?"

Miaka grinned. "Burn them..."

"What?! No, at least let me have the magazine."

"Nope, sorry!" Miaka laughed, running inside, with Tamahome following her.

And, so ends this really, really, really, REALLY stupid story, and hopefully, there will be another one! So tune in whenever you feel like, for another wacky, stupid adventure!

THE END!