Un-Holy Matrimony!
By Strife
Yet another round of pre-fic, disclaimin' crap:
The characters here are all the property of WB, Nintendo, Game Freak, etc. etc. and so on and so forth. No copyright infringement intended, and if you sue me, my army of Marrills will come for you in the night.
This fic earns an R rating for its coarse language, adult themes and sexual innuendo.
It is also a parody. So don't take any offence. I'm doing this because I actually like Pokemon, believe it or not.
Misty fidgetted uncomfortably on the picnic blanket. Looking over her shoulder, she noticed that Togepi was wandering away towards a cliff edge, but waved it off seeming Pikachu was giving chase as quickly as its fat little cholesterol laden body would allow, and reached for a sandwich. Tracey was sitting cross legged next to her, his sketch pad sitting uselessly to his left, a half eaten box of Ding Dongs before him, and a blissful look on his face as he chewed on one. Misty reached for some of his candy.
"Mine!" Tracey shouted, reaching towards the box and pulling it forwards, a thin stream of drool forming on his chin. Then, in a whisper, he said "Togepi's staring at me again. Make it stop...make it stop Misty!"
"Gimme a Ding Dong." She replied. He thrust the box in her hands, and putting on her sweetest smile, she cooed "Togepiiii, come here..."
It ran towards her excitedly. Tracey shuddered.
"Now you know how I feel when you let loose that god awful Marril." Misty quipped. Tracey looked offended.
"What's wrong with Marill?" He demanded, sticking another piece of candy in his mouth. Misty sighed.
"There's something really disconcerting about it. It's almost as bad as Chanseys. Or the Clefairy. Something is definately wrong there. Wouldn't you agree?" Tracey opened his mouth to reply. "Eh, it doesn't matter what you think, tubby. Where's Ash and Brock. How dare they leave me sitting here with you?"
Tracey sniffled. "Why do you hate me so much?"
"Because you're a chubby momma's boy with an unwholesome fixation on Oakie."
Tracey considered this. "Yeah, but aside from that."
Misty opened her mouth to shoot more venom, when out of nowhere, Brock came bounding from the bushes and laid Misty out with a hunk of wood. Tracey's jaw dropped and at once a piece of chewed candy dropped out.
"When you said we were gonna incapacitate her, I didn't think you meant you were going to beat her with a lump of wood." Tracey admonished. "Although, the little bitch probably did deserve it. Call me tubby, will she?"
"It's justified." Brock shrugged, grabbing Ash who happened to be lying unconcious in the bushes. "I've taken care of Ash. Come on, before they wake up. We gotta get them to the drive thru chapel in Vermillion City."
"And when they're happily married...?"
"Well I wouldn't go so far as to say 'happily'" Said Brock. He smiled evilly. "But they'll adapt."
^*^
Jessie was bored. She, James and Meowth hadn't gone blasting off in quite some time, and in between being dragged to big dyke Ivy's Tupperware party by James and watching Meowth bat about a yarn ball for a week, she decided her life was not worth living. Also, something perculiar was happening to her partner; all the days of merry cross dressing couldn't have prepared her for James' new pair of shorts.
"What's with da shorts?" Meowth whispered for her the tenth time in a week, as James came floating past them in the Team Rocket H.Q hallway. Jessie sighed; nothing spelt gay more than a pair of great big lucious pink Diglet bunching up in chiffon upon ones ass cheeks.
"Change the shorts." Jessie said to James flatly. He look hurt, then spun around with a 'years of Modern Dance and Drama' pose.
"What's the matter with them?" He pouted.
"Oh, just the fact that they're totally gay."
"Gay?" James looked confused. "They aren't gay. As a matter of fact, I think they make me look very dashing!"
"James, nothing could be more gay than what you're wearing right now. And uh, I don't think you can get much worse than that feather boa you have on."
James frowned. "You're just jealous." This caused Meowth to fall to hysertical giggles.
"Oh shut up Meowth." Jessie muttered, laying him out with her fan. "You'd laugh at a Shakespeare comedy." She turned to James. "Change the damn shorts!"
"No!" James resisted.
"Yes!" Jessie countered.
"NO!" James shrieked, and he bitchslapped Jessie, immediately realising the dire mistake he had made after he caught sight of the look on his partner's face. "I'm sorry!" He whimpered.
"Are yer also sorry for sayin she had split ends last week?" Said Meowth, causing chaos. James shot Meowth a look, which was ended quickly when Jessie took James down with a Denver Broncos like tackle. Slamming into the wall and sending the framed picture of Butch and Cassidy crashing to the floor, she proceeded to lay the smack down on her partner's girlie pink Diglet, 'these go-go shorts are so damn tight you'd think they were painted on' candy ass.
The commotion caught the attention of Giovanni, who stepped from his office to witness the sight. Immediately Jessie lunged and started beating him up.
"What are you doing?! You fool!" He cried, trying to push her away.
"Oh, sorry boss, I thought you were James." Said Jessie, knowing full well it was the boss. He gave her an incredulous look.
"The lights are on. You can see me, can't you?"
"Sorry boss, sorry."
Staring at James lying on the floor and his attention being caught by the shorts, he cleared his throat. "I want you all to get to Veridian City right now. A shipment of Marril have just arrived at the Pokemon Centre there and I want you to steal them." He cleared his throat again and wrenched his gaze away from James' ass.
"Marril?" Meowth said. "Whattabout dat Pikachu?"
"Screw the Pikachu." Giovanni sighed. "I'm sure you won't have your asses so badly kicked by Marrils. Now go."
Jessie grunted in reply and strode out with Meowth, James following quickly, his yellow feather boa falling from his shoulders and fluttering to the carpeted floor.
^*^
"Where did you get the car, Brock?" Tracey asked enthusiastically from his seat next to the unconscious Misty in the back. Ash was snoring in the front and, making the occasionally gurgling noise, shifted to get comfortable on the plush leather seat of the black Saab.
"Rented it." Brock replied.
"And when did you get your license?"
"Didn't." Brock replied again.
Tracey nodded in agreement, as Brock swerved and barely missed a tree. "Thought so." He stared at Ash, snuffling in the front seat. "And what did you drug him with?"
"Pokemon tranquilizer." Brock reached into his pocket and pulled out a bottle. "Convinced him it was cough medicine." Suddenly, Misty began to groan and grope about in the back seat. Tracey winced.
"Why didn't you drug her with it?"
"Because." Brock said knowledgably. "Ash has as many brain cells as he does Pokemon." He counted on his fingers. "Six."
"She's waking up!" Tracey shrieked. Suddenly Pikachu popped up from where he was sleeping on the floor, grabbed the bottle from the hand of Brock, tipped the contents down her throat and settled back to sleep. That was one intelligent French electric rodent. Tracey sighed in relief, and pulling a chocolate bar from his shorts, began to munch on it happily. "Say, after we do this, can we go to Pallet?"
"You mean so you can finally fufill your ambition to move in with professor Oak and become his live in sex slave rent-boy?" Brock asked, without batting an eyelid. Not that he really could.
Tracey looked guilty. "No." A tiny pause to think. "I mean, after we get Misty and Ash married, shouldn't we take them home to Mrs. Ketchum and tell her?"
"You realise that Oakie has been banging Mrs. Ketchum for years, don't you Trace?" Brock looked amused.
"Stop it! It isn't true!" Cried Tracey, throwing a fit of pique. "He wouldn't touch that bitch! No! No! Stop it!" He sniffled and stuffed some more chocolate in his mouth.
"You're a sad case, aren't you?"
Tracey only gulped down his candy in reply, sniffling still, as Brock swerved the car again towards Veridian city.
^*^
Jessie and Meowth sat on the chairs of the Pokemon Centre in Veridian city, eating Japanese crips. James was scouting the area outside, still in the shorts.
"What's da plan?" Meowth whispered to Jessie.
"Keeping these shorts away from me?" Jessie offered. "We've gotta take Nurse Joy out of the picture. James!"
James came running. "Yes Jessie?"
"Take nurse Joy out of the picture. Meowth, make sure he doesn't screw it up."
"Where are you going?" James whined.
"For a beer." She waved a finger. "Don't screw it up."
12.5 Seconds later.
"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!" James squealed as he rushed towards Jessie. "Nurse Joy saw through my brilliant disguise and she put the Marrils in a high security zone."
"Brilliant?" Meowth muttered, eyeing James' cheerleader outfit. "How is dat brilliant?"
The only thing the outfit was good for, Jessie concluded, was for proof that her partner did indeed shave his legs. Muttering, she rolled up her sleeves, cracked her knuckles and strode into the center. What followed next was a scene of indescribable violence, the destruction of several pieces of furniture and spilling of many Pokeballs. Returning, not a hair out of place on her head, she thrust the bag into James hands.
"Marrils," She stated. "Carry them."
"Why do I have to carry the bag? I'm no gentleman."
"You're not a man at all." Jessie replied testily. James began to whine again, so Jessie clobbered him with her forearm. "Carry the damn bag!"
"Okay..." He said meekly. Meowth pulled a pained face and they all headed away from the Pokecenter before the assualted Nurse Joy managed to crawl up from the floor and call a corrupt officer Jenny or two. Jessie and James were both giggling as they skipped 'marilly' (Bad, bad pun) down the road, until...
SCREEEEECH!
Brock tried vainly to keep control of the car as Meowth smacked into the windshield. James gasped in horror and clasped a hand over his mouth, but strangely, he did not drop the bag, even when Meowth's battered body came rolling past his feet.
"You killed Meowth!" Jessie accused. She and James dropped to their knees, and picked up their poor, mangled little cat Pokemon. Jessie had just began to cry when Meowth opened his eyes.
"Meowth aint dead!" He said. Her eyes narrowed.
"How dare you make me get emotional for no reason!" Jessie screeched, bashing Meowth's head into the road repeatedly. "You little bastard!"
"Cut it out!" Meowth wailed as his head cajoled off the ground. After several more whacks, Jessie dropped the pitiful Pokemon and rose from the ground, her dignity still in tact it seemed.
"Prepare for trouble!"
"Make it double."
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all people within our nation."
"To denouce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jessie!"
"James."
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light."
"Do you think these shorts make my ass look tight?"
"Meowth...dat's disgusting."
Brock shuddered. The guy needed to catch a glimpse of a Jenny or Joy, and he needed to badly. The sight of James covorting about in these shorts was just too much, and sighing, he turned around and closed Tracey's jaw for him.
"Is there a point to this?"
"Oooooh, touchy!" James giggled. Then, peering closer at the car, he said "Hey, what's wrong with the two lovebird twerps?"
"They're off to get married!" Said Tracey with a smile, opening a bag of prawn crackers and scoffing.
"Ooooh, I love weddings." James said, clasping his hands in delight. "They're just too romantic."
"You'd think so." Jessie sighed, before grabbing her partner by the hair. "Come on James. We're going."
"But Jessie..." James whined. "Can't we go to the wedding? I'm sure there's room in the car! Pleeeeaaaase?"
"James, we have to get back to the boss!"
"But..."
"No buts." She bitchslapped him haughtily, trying not to stare at his go-go shorts covered ass before Tracey piped up.
"Sure you can come! The more the merrier, right Brock-O?" He nudged Brock, who appeared to be knashing his teeth. James began giggling.
"Fine." He muttered, gesturing for Pikachu to open the back door. Sliding Ash across, the unenthused Jessie sat down in the middle while James excitedly hopped into the car, squeezing next to the unconscious, dribbling Misty, Meowth following and finding himself on the floor next to Pikachu.
"And I bet Team Rocket would just love to go to Pallet Town after the wedding, right guys?" Tracey smiled and nodded as inconspiciously as he could.
"Deliah Ketchum and Oakie, Trace." Brock said matter of factly.
"Stop it! Stop it! It isn't true!"
^*^
The Saab eased gracefully towards Sunny Town Bridge when night was falling. Kicking aside a candy wrapper, Brock irritably ejected the tape in the tape deck, much to James annoyance. Screw him. One more Olivia Newton John song and there would be hell to pay.
"Hey!" Said Tracey. "That's a catchy tune. Don't change it."
Misty snorted loudly. "Hey, Brock, how's about you showing me a good time?"
"What?!" Brock demanded, but Misty just shifted and turned her back on him, cuddling the leather seat.
"Does she always talk in her sleep?" James asked.
"Yes." Both Brock and Tracey answered. Jessie raised an eyebrow.
"How do you know?"
"I er, um...uh..." Tracey fumbled over his words, before grabbing his sketch pad. "Hey Jessie, how about a sketch?"
Jessie rolled her eyes, trying to get comfortable being crushed between Misty and Tracey. Meowth struggled onto her lap and quite happily settled there, and despite herself, began to scratch the Pokemon's ears. Tracey pouted.
"I'm jealous of the way you touch Meowth." He said. "I want you to touch me like that."
"Oh god." She muttered. "Brock, pull over. I want to switch seats."
"I'm not pulling over till we get over the bridge." Brock responded.
"The bridge?" James quipped. "But...You're only allowed to have bikes on the bridge and..."
James would have continued whining, but Brock floored it. James sentence turned into a girlie scream as they went soaring onto the Sunny Town bridge, a lone biyclist seeing the headlights and flinging themselves clear. Swerving around another bike rider, Butch did a burn out and sent Pikachu flying from its seat on the floor, only to land safely in Tracey's lap. Meowth awoke with a start.
"Hey, watch where yer drivin!" He muttered.
"Pi-ka-chuuuu..." Pikachu moaned.
"Brock you sexy bastard..." Misty said sleepily from the back, grabbing Meowth roughly and cuddling him as Brock slammed on the brakes to avoid another bike. Meowth squeaked as he suffered whiplash, falling to the safety to the floor, grabbing Pikachu and shoving it into Misty's grip.
"Chaaaa!" Pikachu groaned, struggling.
The Saab continued hurtling along the road for another good five minutes, and somewhere inbetween James making a comment about his shorts and Tracey saying something suggestive, Jessie snapped and flew into a bitch-slap-a-thon in the back.
"Hey!" Brock said, trying to keep his eyes on the road. "Quit it Jessie. This car wasn't rented cheap and I couldn't afford the insurance. If you make me crash..."
"Me?" Jessie scoffed. "I'm not the one who's driving like a Totodile on crack."
"I resent that!" Brock shot back, swerving to avoid another bicylist.
"Let ME drive!" James offered. Jessie hit him again.
After a few more moments of tense animosity, the Saab finally rolled off the bridge and back onto the main road. Brock's hands were clenched around the wheel, his knuckles white from his grip, his face tight lipped. Ash stirred.
"Huh?" He mumbled. Jessie produced her mallet and whacked him. He slumped back down into the seat.
"Hoo boy, dat's gonna leave a mark." Meowth observed from his squashed placement between Tracey and James.
"Oh hooray! Onto Vermillion city!" James proclaimed. Jessie growled irritably. And Ash was gonna have one hell of a bruise on his temple in the morning.
^*^
"I'm hungry." James whined, leaning over the front seat which was now occupied by Jessie. "When are we going to get something to eat?"
"Dis was a huge mistake." Muttered Meowth, cradling his face in his paw.
Night had well and truly fallen as they rolled into Vermillion city, and James had been complaining for the past hour. It was even starting to get to Tracey.
"Will you shut up?!" Jessie growled.
"But I'm so hungry." He turned to Tracey. "Chubbo here understands."
"Chubbo?" Tracey's lip quibbled and he produced another box of Ding Dongs, scoffing with a crazy kind of urgency. James eyes lit up.
"Can I have one?" He asked hopefully.
"No." Tracey mumbled.
"Please?"
"No."
"Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaase?"
"Tracey give him a fucking Ding Dong!" Brock snapped, slamming on the brakes at the lights. Tracey scowled and complied.
"My, but how that did sound perverted." Jessie smiled. Brock began to silently swear, tapping on the dash board with rigid fingers. Pikachu's head poked up from the floor, looked around sleepily, and then dissappeared again. Nudging the accelerator when the light turned green, the Saab rolled on towards the Vermillion City Drive Thru Chapel, Brock wondering how many times Jessie could listen to 'Justify my Love'.
"Oh, are we getting fast food?" James asked, excitedly eyeing the chapel.
"No. We are getting these two married." Brock replied. James looked aghast.
"What?! Here? In a fast food..." He gasped. "This is a...a...drive thru chapel! A drive thru chapel! How could you? How could you do this to me? Here I am, all ready for a real wedding and you...you bastards!"
"Shut up and for the love of god, change the shorts." Jessie replied. She looked bored. James glared balefully and crossed his arms, stealing another Ding Dong and chewing with a scrunched up 'evil face'. Brock pulled up next to the window and waited for the appointed minister to make an appearance.
"Hello, I am the Magnificent Mandy." The window slid across. "Will you wanting a marraige or a divorce this evening?" He flashed a smile. "Whatever it is...it shall be...MAGNIFICENT!"
Tracey and James gaped blankly. Jessie reached across Brock and without any warning whatsoever, grabbed the Magnificent Mandy by his magnificent shirt and almost pulled him out of the magnificent window.
"Listen." She snarled. "Just. Get. The. Minister."
"For a wedding." Said Brock, before adding "These two in the back."
"You two boys make a lovely couple!" Mandy said enthusiastically. Jessie's eyes bugged from head and she hadn't let go of his shirt. He flashed a smile and whispered to James "Love the shorts, darling."
"See! See!" James grinned at Jessie. "They're not gay. Mandy the MAGNIFICENT likes them."
"Oh GOD." Jessie groaned, before taking her fan and smacking Mandy out. Tracey looked very disturbed, and grabbing his box of Ding Dongs, he inched as far away from Jessie as he could-which wasn't very far. Brock leaned out of his window and peered into the window.
"Mandy...can you get the minister?" He paused. "Mandy?"
Five minutes later.
Finally Mandy had managed to pull himself from the cold lino floor and fetch the minister for marraige. The aging, balding man peered from the window, carrying his little black book.
"And who are the persons getting married this evening?" He asked, trying to see into the dark car. Tracey raised Misty's hand.
"I am. Misty." He adlibbed affeminately.
"And me, Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town. Weheeee!" James said as Ash.
"So get on with it." Jessie growled.
"Very well, very well." The old man wheezed. "Misty, do you take Ash Ketchum to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"I do." Tracey cooed.
"And Ash Ketchum, do you take..."
"She does. He does. They both do!" Jessie interrupted. "Give me the papers."
The Minister shrugged and passed the papers to Jessie. Two signatures were faked, and it was official. Ash and Misty Ketchum.
"It was worth it." Brock sniggered.
"We so rock." Tracey giggled.
Brock pulled out of the Drive Thru Chapel and began to head towards the motel...
^*^
The Minister was about to leave for the night when the Black Saab pulled up to the window again. Blinking in confusion, he slid the window across.
"Here for a divorce so soon?" He asked.
"Actually." Blushed Jessie from the drivers seat, "We're here for another marraige."
James lay conked out beside her, an enormous mallet mark on his head. Brock, Tracey and the still unconscious couple were in the back seat along with Meowth and Pikachu. Jessie turned around and grabbed Tracey by his green shirt. "You screw this up and I'm playing hockey with your nuts." She snarled.
"Don't worry Jessie, my aggressive but completely feminine and stylish friend." Tracey grinned. Jessie sighed, and releasing his shirt, turned back to the Minister. Sacred vows were once more exchanged, Tracey adding a soft "Oh Jessie..." for dramatic effect. Fishing around in her wallet, she found one of Giovanni's credit Visa cards, which just happened to be in Cassidy's name, and decided to use it for kicks. Tracey played his part perfectly, signing James' name next to her own.
"By the power vested in me by the Vermillion City Pokemon Center, I now pronouce you Mrs. Jessie....James."
"I have always wanted to hear that!" Jessie squealed in delight, flooring it and leaving the Chapel in a screech of rubber.
^*^
Jessie cruised down the main road, Tracey now in the passenger seat and Brock sitting in the back.
"Do you think he'll be mad?" Tracey asked, looking at James. "I'll bet he'll be mad at you."
"You're just jealous you didn't get to him first, Chubbo." Jessie said with a smirk. "However, seeming you knew your role, I will take you to Pallet town where you can finally fufill your lifelong ambition to become Professor Oak's personal rent-boy."
*cough* "Oakie-and-Mrs-Ketchum" *cough* Came Brock's voice from the backseat. Tracey turned with a cold look.
"It isn't true." He forced through clenched teeth. James stirred.
"Ooooh, what happened?" He groaned, feeling his head where a lump was steadily growing larger. "Did you crash the car Brock? I told you to let me drive."
"Tracey, I want to swap seats now." Brock muttered. Tracey turned and looked at him with a dark look.
"Mrs. Ketchum and Professor Oak, remember?"
"Crap."
"Boy, did I have a strange dream." James continued, trying to get a look at his head in the rear view mirror. "I dreamed that Jessie knocked me out and married me! Imagine that?" He began to giggle. Meowth stared at him for a few moments, before pulling the documents out of nowhere.
"I'd hate ta be da bearer of bad news...eh, what am I sayin?" He slammed the marraige papers in his purple haired partner's face. "Read em and weep Jimmy, yer now offcially Mr. Jessie James."
"What?!" James shrieked, staring at Jessie. "But..." He whispered. "Jessie is a _girl_"
"Oh god, yer such a fruit." Meowth groaned. James looked confused.
"I'm not a fruit. Don't you call me a fruit, you mutated jacked up hairball from the planet penis extension!"
"What kind of insult was that?" Tracey demanded. "As far as I'm concerned, you're more womanly than your wife."
"Ha ha, but she won't be my wife much longer!" James thrust his fist in the air in a classic Team Rocket pose. "I'll simply anull the marraige."
"Er..." Brock looked embarassed. "No, you won't."
James' chin began to quiver. "What?"
All eyes fell on Jessie, who had finally pulled over at the motel carpark. With a flick of her hair, she turned to her partner and now husband. "Now James." She started. "If you hadn't been playing Oliva Newton John's 'Let's get Physical' at the time of the marraige, I probably wouldn't have gotten the urge to 'get physcial', if you know what I mean, and I think you do."
James clasped his hands over his mouth and screamed an earth shattering girlie scream. "You wouldn't! You couldn't! You didn't."
"She would. She could. She DID." Brock and Tracey both said regretably. Jessie shrugged. James screamed again, this time awaking Misty.
"Wha...where am I?" She demanded, before making up quickly for lost bitchiness. "What did you do to me, you fat fiend?!" She demanded of Tracey. "Last thing I remember I was stuck sitting with you and then..." She scratched her head in confusion. Her head was pounding and she felt drowzy, and she had no idea why.
"Well, we might as well spill the beans." Said Brock. "Now you see Misty, me and Trace here formulated a most brilliant plan last week to remedy you of your chronic bitchiness..."
"Like calling me tubby." Tracey pouted.
"By teaching you a lesson you won't soon forget." Brock continued. "Hence, we assualted you, abducted you, and married you to Ashy-Boy who was easily rendered susceptible to the deed with the help of a little Poke-Morphine." He flashed a killer smile at the stunned red head. She and James immediately fell into each others arms and burst into tears.
"What kinda shippiness is dat?" Meowth quipped. Everyone gave him a strange look. "Er...I mean...Meowwwwth..." Crawling up the leather seat, he accidently dislodged the bag which had been sitting on James' lap the whole journey, sending Pokeballs spilling onto the floor, and from these Pokeballs, pissed off Marills.
"Argh!" Misty shrieked, kicking one straight in its bulbous blue head. It was a bad move and the irritated little water Pokemon swarmed all over Misty. She leapt from the Saab, trying to shake them off, but to no avail. Everyone looked bored.
"Hey." Brock nudged Jessie. "You think that now Misty's Mrs. Ketchum, Oakie will wanna do her hardcore too?"
"It's not true!" Tracey wailed. "If you don't stop I'm gonna whoop your candy ass."
"If I had a candy ass..." Brock said straight fowardly, "YOU would eat it."
Pikachu laughed and stole Tracey's Ding Dongs. Jessie sniggered as she watched the tiny Pokemon do their diabolical work.
"Swarm my pretties!" She cackled. "Swarm!"
James looked forlorn. Stepping out of the car, his shorts ruffling in the breeze, he stared at the Vermillion City Discount Motel up ahead. Brock approached.
"You wanna come back to the motel? We can have a pina colada and watch 'Showgirls'."
James sniffled, he and Brock turning and walking towards the building. "I just can't get any respect."
End.