Grand Theft Kasa

Written by: Tifa, Susato, and Randy

Word. This is a short fan fiction that involves the popular PlayStation 2 game, "Grand Theft Auto 3". It's not a spoof as into insult the game, or mock it, but rather a "spin-off". It's actually quite a hilarious game, and I recommend that all of you each rent it...if you're the proper age. If you haven't played the game, don't worry, we still have a plot...sort of. If you HAVE played the game, this will make the experience that much more memorable...really...

Note from Tifa: HEY, HOW COME SUSATO ALWAYS GETS TO WRITE THE BEGINNING NOTES?! ...oh well, whatever. This fic is funny. So read. And review. Feedback makes us happy. Very happy. Note that the characters might be a bit OOC here but.....WHAT'S THE FUN OF KEEPING THEM TOTALLY IN CHARACTER?! Mwahahahaha! ....Ok, I'll shut up now. Read and review, OR ELSE I SEND THE CYBORG NINJAS AFTER YOU!

________________________________________________________________

Okay, so like, once there was this hat-thing. What was its name? Oh right, a kasa. And out of the kasa popped out a monk, in a robe, with a happy mask on. But this man was special, because, well, he knew magic. That's awesome! If I knew magic, none of my teachers would be alive right now! MWAHAHA--oops...this isn't right. *Ahem* Sorry. I'm going off topic. Now where was I?

Oh right, the kasa thing. Well, there he was, standing, until suddenly--

VRRRROOOOOOMMMMM!

A big blue car came blazing down the grassy fields of Ancient China. Wait a minute, how the hell did that car get there?!

"Mwahaha, I am here to steal something! Something that is seemingly important!" laughed a mysterious man siting in the driver's seat. Suddenly, he grabs Chichiri's kasa right off his head, and then drives away, while the monk just stands completely still...

A few minutes ticked by. The monk just continued standing there, wondering what in HELL that thing was.

"Oy! Chichiri!" his friend, Tasuki, yelled out, running over to him. "Did you see that...THING blaze by?! What the hell was it?!"

Chichiri shrugged. "Beats me, no da. The person in it took my kasa though no da."

"Why didn't you try to stop him?!"

"That would require effort, no da."

"Well, THEN LET'S GO GET IT TOGETHER!" Tasuki exclaimed, grabbing Chichiri by the arm and taking off at the speed of light towards wherever in hell the car was, pulling Chichiri behind him.

"OW! WATCH-WHERE-YOU'RE-GOING, NO-DA!!!" Chichiri screamed while slamming into plenty of rocks and boulders along the way.

Meanwhile in the car...

"Okay, so I stole this...straw...hat. Now what?" As soon as he threw the Kasa to the back seat, two figures popped out.

"Uh...Miaka?"

"Tamahome..."

"Miaka..."

"Tamahome..."

"Miaka..."

"WHAT THE HELL?! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TWO?!"

Tamahome and Miaka looked at the rude driver, as they stopped repeating the phrase. Ignoring him, they continued to speak to each other, as the man then drove off, throwing both Miaka and Tamahome out of the car.

The guy kept driving ahead, and then, a picture appeared on the window: "Welcome to Portland!"

"At last, I'm away from that weird place. Okay, it's getting a bit dull, time for me to turn on the radio..."

What was on the station was 'Chatterbox', where people call in and ramble, mostly about nothing.

"Okay, like, I did my hair at seven this morning, and when I like, went outside, a bird crapped on me! It stunk SO bad, and then, like, I had to wash my hair again, and then, like, this time somebody threw an EGG on me, and then--"

"Yes, yes, thank you. I really loved that debate about 'Widowed War-makers'. This is DJ Lazlow, and I'll be back in a moment after I play a barrage of commercials."

The car swerved to a stop in front of a garage. The man got out of the car and strectched. He walked a few steps to open up the garage, where out of nowhere, some random Triad gang member runs over and hijacks the car, driving off.

"@#$%!!!" the man screamed. He cursed randomly as he looked for the nearest car to carjack.

Meanwhile...

Tasuki and Chichiri entered a huge, modern city. A screen appeared out of nowhere saying "Welcome to Portland".

"Portland...? This city looks like Miaka's world no da..." Chichiri observed.

Tasuki blinked and shrugged. "Well let's get one of those...mechanical thingys and find that man!"

The nameless man walked towards the nearest car and threw a person out of it. The person he grabbed just happened to be an old lady.

He was about to get into the car when the old lady threw him onto the floor and started kicking him. Chichiri, surprised, walked over and shoved the old lady aside.

The old lady let out a weird whistle. Oh no, this can't be good.

Before you can even say "No da", a giant mob of old women with rocket launchers were approaching the car.

"SH*~~~~~~~~~T!!!" Tasuki screamed.

Tasuki and Chichiri jumped into the car, Tasuki on the driver's side. Tasuki slammed on the pedal in the car and they went driving off, dodging rockets.

So Tasuki and Chichiri finally out-run the hot hot granny action, trying to find the car that had drove by them before.

"LOOK!" Chichiri pointed out, blocking Tasuki's vision. Next thing they knew, they had hit a car with red a red light on top of it.

Out of no where, more of these cars had just...appeared.

Next thing Tasuki knew, he was running over people in blue uniforms by accident, not knowing what else to do. It seemed...natural to do this.

At the corner of his eye, he saw two stars appear. "Huh? What the hell?"

"Um, Tasuki, no da..." Chichiri looked behind to see the blood smearing from the tires. "Uh, I don't think we should be hitting anymore people, I think they're seriously hurt..."

"I don't know how to stop this thing, so be quiet!" Tasuki pressed harder on the gas pedal, flattening more policeman and eventually knocking a nearby ambulance into a ditch!

"That didn't look good, no da," Chichiri comments.

Very soon, Tasuki found himself stopping in front of a set of railroad tracks. "Oh crap, it won't move anymore! What's wrong?!"

The two sat there, trying to figure out what in hell was going on. All of a sudden, they heard some loud sound. They looked to the side just in time to see a train heading straight for them.

"..."

They stared...then had some common sense knocked into them, and jumped out in the car just a second before the car got hit by the train.

Ouch....that's gotta hurt.

Tip of the day, kiddos....never stay in a car when it's in the middle of a railroad track unless you wanna get yourselves blown up. Believe me. Take it from someone who has personal experience.

Tasuki and Chichiri watched in amazment as the car did so many flips, it made Flipper look like a slipper (Note: Yes, I can rhyme...who CARES that it made no sense?!). However they were more amazed as it landed back down in perfect condition!

They noticed a bunch of hobos walking towards the car in the same amazement. However..when they all surrounded the car....

...

...

...

NOTHING HAPPENED!!! So they got in and drove off!

Back at station Chatterbox...

"A group of hobo's were seen driving a car! What shall we do?!"

BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM

"...Nevermind."

And the whole time, Tasuki and Chichiri were just watching... "Tasuki, what happened, no da?"

"Don't ask me..."

"I hope my kasa didn't explode, no da!"

"Oh hell..." Tasuki turned around and looked, Chichiri soon joined him. Soon, what looked like the FBI, and a bunch of armed old ladies ran towards them.

"Do we run, no da?" Chichiri asks.

"I...think we should..."

After a long, two hour getaway, the two bishies managed to lose the cops and FBI and army. So they're safe now. At least that's what it SEEMS like.

"Uh...Tasuki-chan, no da. Now what, no da? We have to find my kasa, no da!" Chichiri stated.

Tasuki shrugged. "I got no clue in hell where it is. Let's just hijack another car and look for the car that drove away with it."

Chichiri sweatdropped as Tasuki walked up to a random car and opened the door, throwing the passenger out. Unfortunatly, what Tasuki DIDN'T notice was that he just threw a Mafia dude out of the Mafiamobile.

Er. Mafia Senitel. Or however it's spelled. But I like to call it the Mafiamobile. BUT ANYWAY, MOVING ON.

"Uh, Tasuki..." Chichiri stated. "How do you know what a car is, no da?"

Tasuki sweatdropped. "I've...said too much. Come on, get in."

As soon as Chichiri gets in, Tasuki gasps. "Oh my GOD!" he exclaims. "It's a giant sushi box...AND IT'S HEADED STRAIGHT FOR US!"

"Step on it, no da!"

Tasuki turned on the engine and literally floored the pedal, zooming down the road, running over innocent rocks along the way.

"How about some getaway music?" Tasuki suggests.

"Do you mind, no da?! We're going to die!"

"But we need music, Chichiri!" exclaimed Tasuki. So he turned on the radio, and out comes...Chatterbox! Right now, they have the organic food and kung fu dude talking.

As they're speeding down the streets of Liberty City, they listen to this, and Tasuki starts cracking up...too bad he was driving, since he crashed straight into a couple of Triad and mafia members...

Soon, they're listening to the shots of random guns and people running in front of them with bats, causing them to kill more...and soon they're chased by the LAUNDRY AND FISH TRUCKS!!!

"And now, a word from our sponsor," the radio DJ dude said. "If you're having a hard time relaxing, or just plain restless, then you should come down to the 'Big White Meditation Shop'. They have free lessons on how to properly meditate. Meditate with a partner, or meditate on your own! It's that easy. But hurry, lessons are only free until the end of the month!"

Chichiri flipped off the radio. "This is great, look at what you did, no da! Look at all these bodies!"

Tasuki laughed nervously. "Well, I never did say I knew how to stop..."

"You've really done a lot of damage today, no da! That's it, move over to the backseat, I'm driving!"

"You can't move back here!" Miaka replied, popping her head up.

"Geez, you guys really know how to kill the romance," Tamahome complained, his hair in a tangled mess.

"Uh, Miaka, your clothes are on backwards..." Tasuki said.

"Ugh!" Miaka ducked behind the seat. "Well, if you didn't decide to hijack this car, we would STILL be making love!"

"Don't you guys know about any OTHER romantic places to do your dirty work, no da?"

"Ugh, that's it! Come on, Miaka, let's go spend our honeymoon in a HOTEL room!" Tamahome ran his hands through his hair, in an attempt to straighten it out.

"That's what I want to hear!" Miaka replied, jumping out of the car with Tamahome behind her.

So, the two romantice drooling ones ran off, leaving Chichiri face faulted in the car, and Tasuki increasing the speed.

"Hey, wait a minute, no da! I think I see the guy that stole my kasa! Go around that corner to the left!" Tasuki starts to turn when suddenly--"NO TASUKI! The other left!"

"...I knew that!" And Tasuki makes a quick left, knocking into a police car. "Oh man, not again..."

"You really have to learn how to stop, no da," Chichiri commented.

Tasuki sped away once again. However, this time, from the corner of his eye...Chichiri spotted the car with the kasa!

Tasuki also noticed it and drove really fast to get to the car. He crashed into it, smashing it into a wall.

"Tasuki...I don't think that was necessary no da..." Chichiri said, sweatdropping.

"Hmm...there's another foot switch next to this one, I wonder if it has anything to do with the car...oh well, no time to figure that out. Come on, let's see if your kasa's in that car."

They both get out, and slowly approach the ruined car. As they look, they see the mysterious stranger...WITH THE KASA ON HIS HEAD!

"I'll take that, no da!" Chichiri said triumphantly, taking the kasa. "Now, let's get out of here..."

Chichiri went to use the Kasa, but then the police arrived and nearly ran into them! "Oh, damn! So that's what those stars are up there for!" pointed out Tasuki.

"Let's see we have...4...so does that mean..." Chichiri was cut off, due to the helicopter that was above then, and made the kasa fly away! "NOOOO!!!" screamed Chichiri in pure fury, causing him to do some spell that killed everyone around him!

"Ow...Chichiri...you, uh...burned my hair..." Tasuki said, twitching on the ground.

Chichiri looked around...and for some reason, he noticed he was back in Ancient China. "Whoa, no da. I think that explosion knocked us back home!"

Tasuki looked around. "Yeah, you're right, but your kasa was destroyed!"

Chichiri shrugged. "I have about fifty billion other ones at home, no da. So it really doesn't matter."

Tasuki's face turned red. "You mean we cheated death a half dozen times for literally nothing?!"

"Seems so, no da!"

"Sweet! We'll have to do it again sometime! At least this time there were some cool explosions...unlike some OTHER villains we've faced," Tasuki shook his head in disgrace.

"You mean the one where we had to get the thong underwear and that thick piece of pap--"

"Yes, Chichiri, that one. Now, let's all go back to the palace and...er...meditate..."

And so concludes this chapter of senseless, crude violence. I hope you enjoyed yourselves, because, this was quite an explosion fest. Oh, and if there's any reason that some of you aren't wearing your pants anymore, I have taken them. My washer shrank my pair. Well, good night!

THE END.