Author: RaspberryGoddez (@yahoo.com)
Rated: Um...PG, *really* angsty, I cried the entire time I wrote this…
Title: Hold On
Disclaimers: Sarah McLachlan's "Hold On" obviously belongs to her, and Inuyasha doesn't belong to me.
Hold On
Her long and graceful fingers reached out, gently brushing an idle strand of coal black hair from his face, marveling in how soft his hair was compared to hers. He whimpered softly in his sleep, feeling her fingers mistakenly brush a large bruise on his temple. Her fingers drew back in alarm and she felt tears prick her over-tired eyes.
//Hold on, hold onto yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell//
Looking down at her husband, she wished that she could take away his pain, just take it all away and make him better again, so they could be together like they had promised in their wedding vows. The edges of her lips quivered slightly and bit the corners, willing herself not to cry for the dozenth time that day.
//Hold on, hold onto yourself, you know that only time will tell//
His skin contrasted sharply with his hair, partly due to the neon florescent lights and also due to the fact that he was dying slowly, his skin slowly fading away to a pasty yellow. The thought popped into her head, surprising her for a quick second before realizing that she had known it all along. The love of her life,
Inuyasha, was dying.
//What is it in me that refused to believe? This isn't easier than the real thing//
She looked around her, trying desperately to focus her watering eyes on something else, afraid that if she looked down, her will would break and she would cry, for him and herself. Everything around her was white, white walls, white sheets, white tiles, white everything. All the white that surrounded her called forth a rising tide of panic in her. She and Inuyasha both hated hospitals but for different reasons. He hated them because he felt helpless, relying on others to take care of himself, becoming an invalid and indeed, he was an invalid now.
//My love, you know that you're my best friend, you'd know I do anything for you//
She, she hated them because they had taken away her mother. Every time she went into a hospital, she always thought of death. For her, the icon of death was a hospital, plain and simple.
Her mother had become ill and had been rushed to the hospital. Thankfully, Inuyasha had let her go with a silent nod, no fights had been fought and she had thanked him silently, grateful for his understanding. He knew what it meant to lose a mother and didn't wish to hold her back. When she had come to the hospital, her mother had had tubes stuck up her nose, and IV's stuck in every possible vein in her arms, making her look like a piece of plastic instead of a human being.
//Let nothing come between us, the love for you is strong and true//
It had hurt Kagome to see the look of pain in her mother's eyes before she had slipped away in front of her family. But Kagome hadn't been there at the time, when she had died. Her mother's heart had slowly stopped beating and she had gasped for air, her mouth widening in a desperate attempt to gain some air. Kagome had had the urge to reach out and help her quickly ease into the afterlife but had forcefully resisted the urge to do so.
When she saw the once brilliant eyes full of life begin to slowly die away, her mouth gasping open in painful breathes, she had walked out the door, ashamed of her weakness, leaving her grandfather and brother to watch. She didn't want to see her mother die, it was too painful. At the funeral, she had stood in the front, watching the closed coffin slowly lower into the ground. She had berated herself for not having stayed but there was nothing she could change about it.
//Am I in heaven here or am I...at the crossroads I am standing//
Shaking her head back and forth, she willed the images away, away from her already pained heart, away from her mind's eyes, away from view. She didn't want to walk down that path at the moment, she wanted Inuyasha to become better again, to get out of the bed and hold her tight, telling her everything would be alright again.
//Now you're sleeping peaceful, I lie awake in the break, you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll see another day and we will praise it//
At the thought of her love getting out of bed and holding her, the dam of tears she had so violently fought, broke, tears spilling forth, down her cheeks in glistening rivers. Oh how she wanted him to just hold her again. It was all that damned drunk driver's fault, if he hadn't been drunk, Inuyasha wouldn't be here. If Inuyasha hadn't gone for his daily walk and had stayed home, he wouldn't be dying before her eyes. If she had invited him to help her in the garden...If...if only it he hadn't been the one to have been hit by the car.
A nurse came in just then, checking for the thousandth time that day if anything had changed and they both knew that nothing was going to change for the better. But it was standard procedures and the nurse needed to make her rounds. Kagome got up and walked out of the room, not wishing the nurse to see her cry anymore. She made her way to the cafeteria, half blind with tears, merely looking for a cup of coffee to keep her away through the night so that she could be there if Inuyasha woke up at all.
Sitting in the cafeteria, listening to the usual bustle of noise go on around her, she dried her tears, reprimanding herself at having cried.
"But is it really that bad to cry?" Kagome thought. "Am I crying for myself or him? I don't know, maybe it's for me...I…I don't want to live by myself, I don't want to live alone, without him. It was painful enough to lose my mother, I don't know if I'll be able to lose him too. Or maybe it's for him...I don't want him to suffer like this..." she continued to think to herself. Then suddenly, as if the knowledge had been there all along but had been hidden in the dark corners of her mind, she knew why. "He's holding on for me...He knows that I don't want him to go and that I don't want to let go..."
Her over-tired mind processed this fact and refused to let her push it away. "He's holding on for me, He's holding on for me, He's..." and on it went inside her mind, being tumbled every which way and pulled and picked apart, telling her the truth over and over. "But I can't go back there, I don't want to see him suffer anymore, I don't want to see him die." She yelled at her mind, telling it to stop.
Her mind refused, "And what are you going to do then honey? Just sit here and mope, feeling sorry for yourself while he's lying in that bed, suffering but out of love for you? Don't you love him enough to let him go? Or are you that selfish, just like you were with your mother?
Too weak to watch her die when dying is a part of a life, a fact." Her mind berated herself.
She nodded her head, knowing the truth behind those words. She had been selfish not to have been there for her mother. Now it was time to make up for her mistake. She got up, leaving her coffee behind and walking quickly back to Inuyasha's room. She made her way quickly there and burst into the room, finding the nurse gone and Inuyasha struggling to hold on for her.
//I love the light that crosses your face//
She sat next to his bed and looked at him, painfully taking in all the bandages, bruises, tubes and IV's that covered and surrounded him.
Tentatively, she reached out and grasped one of his hands, squeezing tight and praying that she wouldn't cry while she prepared to speak to him.
//Oh God, you're out there won't you hear me? I know that we've never talked before.//
Kagome silently prayed to whoever would listen to her up above, hoping that someone would hear her silent prayers and pleas. "Please God, make this as painless as possible for him, and if...if you can't do that, let me feel his pain so he won't suffer, I love him that much..."
//Oh God, now my love is leaving, won't you take him when he comes to your door?//
She turned back to Inuyasha, hearing his labored breathing as his bruised and punctured lungs struggled to carry on breathing. She thought of all the beautiful times they had had. Her first memory was of their wedding day. Inuyasha, proud, in his tuxedo, watching her walk down the aisle with love in his eyes, promising to always take care of her and lover her, through sickness and in health. Another time of was when she had taught him to cook for himself, watching many dinners burn in flames and going out to eat those nights. With all these memories of all the times they had shared, she smiled painfully and turned her mind back to him.
//Am I in heaven here or am I in hell? At the crossroads I am standing//
Clearing her throat as quietly as possible, she whispered "I know that you think that I'm afraid to lose you...And I am, I won't lie about that...But I'm more afraid that you're holding on just for the sake of me…and…and I don't want you to do that because I love you. I love you with all my heart Inuyasha and I will never forget the love that we shared and the years we shared as friends and lovers. So please, let go when you're ready, not for my sake but yours. I love you."
She squeezed his hand at the end and looked down at him, holding this image in head, resisting the urge to leave. She wouldn't do that again, she wouldn't leave her love like she had left her mother. She would be strong and stay there until the end. Loving him with all her heart, encouraging him to do the right thing. She loved him dearly and wished the best for him.
//So now you're sleeping peaceful//
Then she felt him squeeze her hand back, a soft and gentle sqeeze, barely there but noticeable to only Kagome herself. She let the tears flow freely then and felt him slip away from her, one last shuddering breathe and heaving of his chest. Leaving her alone but waiting for her in heaven for when she arrived in her own time.
//So now you're sleeping peaceful, I lie awake in the break, you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll see another day and we will praise it. I love the light that brings a smile...across your face. Hold on, hold onto yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell.//
The End
Rated: Um...PG, *really* angsty, I cried the entire time I wrote this…
Title: Hold On
Disclaimers: Sarah McLachlan's "Hold On" obviously belongs to her, and Inuyasha doesn't belong to me.
Hold On
Her long and graceful fingers reached out, gently brushing an idle strand of coal black hair from his face, marveling in how soft his hair was compared to hers. He whimpered softly in his sleep, feeling her fingers mistakenly brush a large bruise on his temple. Her fingers drew back in alarm and she felt tears prick her over-tired eyes.
//Hold on, hold onto yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell//
Looking down at her husband, she wished that she could take away his pain, just take it all away and make him better again, so they could be together like they had promised in their wedding vows. The edges of her lips quivered slightly and bit the corners, willing herself not to cry for the dozenth time that day.
//Hold on, hold onto yourself, you know that only time will tell//
His skin contrasted sharply with his hair, partly due to the neon florescent lights and also due to the fact that he was dying slowly, his skin slowly fading away to a pasty yellow. The thought popped into her head, surprising her for a quick second before realizing that she had known it all along. The love of her life,
Inuyasha, was dying.
//What is it in me that refused to believe? This isn't easier than the real thing//
She looked around her, trying desperately to focus her watering eyes on something else, afraid that if she looked down, her will would break and she would cry, for him and herself. Everything around her was white, white walls, white sheets, white tiles, white everything. All the white that surrounded her called forth a rising tide of panic in her. She and Inuyasha both hated hospitals but for different reasons. He hated them because he felt helpless, relying on others to take care of himself, becoming an invalid and indeed, he was an invalid now.
//My love, you know that you're my best friend, you'd know I do anything for you//
She, she hated them because they had taken away her mother. Every time she went into a hospital, she always thought of death. For her, the icon of death was a hospital, plain and simple.
Her mother had become ill and had been rushed to the hospital. Thankfully, Inuyasha had let her go with a silent nod, no fights had been fought and she had thanked him silently, grateful for his understanding. He knew what it meant to lose a mother and didn't wish to hold her back. When she had come to the hospital, her mother had had tubes stuck up her nose, and IV's stuck in every possible vein in her arms, making her look like a piece of plastic instead of a human being.
//Let nothing come between us, the love for you is strong and true//
It had hurt Kagome to see the look of pain in her mother's eyes before she had slipped away in front of her family. But Kagome hadn't been there at the time, when she had died. Her mother's heart had slowly stopped beating and she had gasped for air, her mouth widening in a desperate attempt to gain some air. Kagome had had the urge to reach out and help her quickly ease into the afterlife but had forcefully resisted the urge to do so.
When she saw the once brilliant eyes full of life begin to slowly die away, her mouth gasping open in painful breathes, she had walked out the door, ashamed of her weakness, leaving her grandfather and brother to watch. She didn't want to see her mother die, it was too painful. At the funeral, she had stood in the front, watching the closed coffin slowly lower into the ground. She had berated herself for not having stayed but there was nothing she could change about it.
//Am I in heaven here or am I...at the crossroads I am standing//
Shaking her head back and forth, she willed the images away, away from her already pained heart, away from her mind's eyes, away from view. She didn't want to walk down that path at the moment, she wanted Inuyasha to become better again, to get out of the bed and hold her tight, telling her everything would be alright again.
//Now you're sleeping peaceful, I lie awake in the break, you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll see another day and we will praise it//
At the thought of her love getting out of bed and holding her, the dam of tears she had so violently fought, broke, tears spilling forth, down her cheeks in glistening rivers. Oh how she wanted him to just hold her again. It was all that damned drunk driver's fault, if he hadn't been drunk, Inuyasha wouldn't be here. If Inuyasha hadn't gone for his daily walk and had stayed home, he wouldn't be dying before her eyes. If she had invited him to help her in the garden...If...if only it he hadn't been the one to have been hit by the car.
A nurse came in just then, checking for the thousandth time that day if anything had changed and they both knew that nothing was going to change for the better. But it was standard procedures and the nurse needed to make her rounds. Kagome got up and walked out of the room, not wishing the nurse to see her cry anymore. She made her way to the cafeteria, half blind with tears, merely looking for a cup of coffee to keep her away through the night so that she could be there if Inuyasha woke up at all.
Sitting in the cafeteria, listening to the usual bustle of noise go on around her, she dried her tears, reprimanding herself at having cried.
"But is it really that bad to cry?" Kagome thought. "Am I crying for myself or him? I don't know, maybe it's for me...I…I don't want to live by myself, I don't want to live alone, without him. It was painful enough to lose my mother, I don't know if I'll be able to lose him too. Or maybe it's for him...I don't want him to suffer like this..." she continued to think to herself. Then suddenly, as if the knowledge had been there all along but had been hidden in the dark corners of her mind, she knew why. "He's holding on for me...He knows that I don't want him to go and that I don't want to let go..."
Her over-tired mind processed this fact and refused to let her push it away. "He's holding on for me, He's holding on for me, He's..." and on it went inside her mind, being tumbled every which way and pulled and picked apart, telling her the truth over and over. "But I can't go back there, I don't want to see him suffer anymore, I don't want to see him die." She yelled at her mind, telling it to stop.
Her mind refused, "And what are you going to do then honey? Just sit here and mope, feeling sorry for yourself while he's lying in that bed, suffering but out of love for you? Don't you love him enough to let him go? Or are you that selfish, just like you were with your mother?
Too weak to watch her die when dying is a part of a life, a fact." Her mind berated herself.
She nodded her head, knowing the truth behind those words. She had been selfish not to have been there for her mother. Now it was time to make up for her mistake. She got up, leaving her coffee behind and walking quickly back to Inuyasha's room. She made her way quickly there and burst into the room, finding the nurse gone and Inuyasha struggling to hold on for her.
//I love the light that crosses your face//
She sat next to his bed and looked at him, painfully taking in all the bandages, bruises, tubes and IV's that covered and surrounded him.
Tentatively, she reached out and grasped one of his hands, squeezing tight and praying that she wouldn't cry while she prepared to speak to him.
//Oh God, you're out there won't you hear me? I know that we've never talked before.//
Kagome silently prayed to whoever would listen to her up above, hoping that someone would hear her silent prayers and pleas. "Please God, make this as painless as possible for him, and if...if you can't do that, let me feel his pain so he won't suffer, I love him that much..."
//Oh God, now my love is leaving, won't you take him when he comes to your door?//
She turned back to Inuyasha, hearing his labored breathing as his bruised and punctured lungs struggled to carry on breathing. She thought of all the beautiful times they had had. Her first memory was of their wedding day. Inuyasha, proud, in his tuxedo, watching her walk down the aisle with love in his eyes, promising to always take care of her and lover her, through sickness and in health. Another time of was when she had taught him to cook for himself, watching many dinners burn in flames and going out to eat those nights. With all these memories of all the times they had shared, she smiled painfully and turned her mind back to him.
//Am I in heaven here or am I in hell? At the crossroads I am standing//
Clearing her throat as quietly as possible, she whispered "I know that you think that I'm afraid to lose you...And I am, I won't lie about that...But I'm more afraid that you're holding on just for the sake of me…and…and I don't want you to do that because I love you. I love you with all my heart Inuyasha and I will never forget the love that we shared and the years we shared as friends and lovers. So please, let go when you're ready, not for my sake but yours. I love you."
She squeezed his hand at the end and looked down at him, holding this image in head, resisting the urge to leave. She wouldn't do that again, she wouldn't leave her love like she had left her mother. She would be strong and stay there until the end. Loving him with all her heart, encouraging him to do the right thing. She loved him dearly and wished the best for him.
//So now you're sleeping peaceful//
Then she felt him squeeze her hand back, a soft and gentle sqeeze, barely there but noticeable to only Kagome herself. She let the tears flow freely then and felt him slip away from her, one last shuddering breathe and heaving of his chest. Leaving her alone but waiting for her in heaven for when she arrived in her own time.
//So now you're sleeping peaceful, I lie awake in the break, you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll see another day and we will praise it. I love the light that brings a smile...across your face. Hold on, hold onto yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell.//
The End