Author's note: Oh my. This is very odd. Thanks to Beccy-Shmagecky for the inspiration. The song is to the tune of "Kiss the Girl" form Disney's "the Little Mermaid."

KISS THE GIRL, DAMMIT

(It's James and Lily's first date, and James thought it would be romantic to take Lily out onto the roof of Gryffindor Tower to look at the stars and…talk. Unfortunately, things have gotten a bit awkward and both are sitting there uncomfortably, wondering how to start a conversation. Meanwhile, Sirius, Remus and peter are watching from a library window through Sirius' binoculars.)

PETER: What do you see, lads? Are the Myknockers working?

SIRIUS: (sighs disgustedly and turns to Peter) First of all, Peter, they're binoculars. Second of all, stop calling us "lads." We're not you're lads and we never will be.

PETER: (mutters) Sorry, Sirius…

REMUS: Nothing's…happening!

SIRIUS: Let me see- (grabs binoculars) Oh my god, you're right! What the hell does James think he's doing?

REMUS: Yeah! He just looks kind of awkward and scared.

SIRIUS: We've got to put a stop to this!

PETER: I know what to do! (He clears his throat, cups his hand to his mouth and yells across the grounds.) OY! JAMES! KISS HER! KISS! KISS HER NOW! KI- OW!

(Furious, Sirius slaps Peter across the head. James slaps himself on the forehead.)

LILY: Was someone just yelling at you then?

JAMES: I…didn't hear anything. (To himself: Peter you stupid git!)

SIRIUS: peter, you stupid git! We'll never get anything done that way. (He turns to Remus) Moony—I think you know what we have to do.

REMUS: (looks blank, then realization dawns. Oh, are you talking about--? (Sirius nods firmly.) Oh, jeez, I dunno, Sirius…I mean, remember what happened last time with the…Dumbledore and Madame Pomfrey incident?

SIRIUS: (shudders involuntarily) I thought we agreed never to discuss it again. Besides, this is really important! We have to do it for the good of James, and Lily, and Marauders, and…puppies! Think of the puppies, Remus, will you do it for the puppies?

REMUS: What puppies?

SIRIUS: Think of James, Moony, you know he'd do it for you.

REMUS: What, sit watching my first date from the library? I should bloody well hope not! Forget it. Let them handle it on their own.

SIRIUS: You know I can't permit myself to do that. It goes against every fibre of my being! No! I MUST interfere, so that things will work out the way I want them to!

REMUS: (rolls eyes) I know.

SIRIUS: So you know how I feel! (Draws his wand) It is time for us to rise up and make sure James scores! But first…we need to set…the mood. (He conjures up a set of bongo drums) Percussion…

REMUS: Oh, Sirius, no…

SIRIUS: (louder) ahem, Percussion. (Remus, rolling his eyes, takes his place at the bongo drums.) Strings! (Sirius conjures up a self-playing violin) Wind! (He conjures up a clarinet and gives it to Peter. He then clears his throat.) Words…

PETER: Oooher. I'm not so sure about this Sirius.

SIRIUS: Shut up, Peter! You can do back up! (He then launches into song) There you see her, sitting there on the roof. Don't you think that she's aloof, cause there's something about her. And I know why you're dyin' to try you wanna – kiss de girl!

PETER: Ya ya y- OW! (Sirius has slapped him on the head again.)

SIRIUS: Not YET, idiot! (Continues singing.) Yes, you want her. Hell, half of Hogwarts do-

PETER: ya y- ow! (Sirius slaps him across the head again and he shuts up.)

SIRIUS and REMUS: She's a pretty stokin babe, so why don't you ask her?

PETER: Ya y- ow! (Sirius slaps him again.)

SIRIUS: Not yet!

SIRIUS and REMUS: It don't take a word, not a single word, Just go on and kiss de girl! SIRIUS: (spoken) Sing with me now!

REMUS: Who're you talking to?

(Suddenly, the windows of Gryffindor tower fly open and all the Gryffindor students stick their heads out.)

ALL: Sh la la la la la, my oh my, looks like the boys too shy, ain't gonna- Kiss de girl! Sha la la la la la, ain't that sad, ain't it a shame- too bad, he's gonna miss de girl….

(James slaps himself on the forehead as he hears the singing.)

JAMES: Dammit, Sirius!

LILY: James…do you hear something?

James: Me? No, nothing, I don't hear a thing. (He spots Sirius and cuts a finger across his throat, in the "you're dead" signal. Sirius merely grins and gives him a thumbs up. James sighs, then decides it may work to his advantage. He yawns and stretches his arms casually so that one arm falls on Lily's shoulder.)

LILY: I know what you're doing.

JAMES: Oh. (takes his arm away.)

LILY: I didn't say stop. (James grins and puts his arm back around her.)

SIRIUS and REMUS: (singing again) Now's your moment. Hey, you know that you want to-

(Sirius slaps peter across the head.)

PETER: What? I didn't do anything!

SIRIUS: Now, you stupid git!

PETER: Oh. Ya ya ya ya…

SIRIUS and REMUS: Boy you better do it soon, or you can just forget her

PETER: Ya ya ya…

SIRIUS and REMUS: Don't try to be slow, cos you want her so you gotta- kiss de girl!

ALL: Sha la la la James, don't be scared, we got the mood prepared, you gotta- kiss de girl! Sha la la la, James, don't be a bore, we wanna see you score, so go on and kiss the girl!

DUMBLEDORE: (who has been watching the whole time from behind Sirius and Remus and peter) Woah, woah!

ALL: Sha la la Lily, don't be mean, he's a sex machine, he wants to- kiss you girl!

PETER: Yah, yah, yah, yah yaaa!

DUMBLEDORE: Woah, woah!

ALL: Sha la la la guys, listen to the tune, you gotta do it soon, you gotta- kiss de girl!

DUMBLEDORE: Woah, woah!

ALL: Sh la la la la, you got us out of bed, got this song in our head, you gotta- kiss de girl!

DUMBLEDORE: Woah, woah!

ALL: Sh la la, If nothing happens soon, we're gonna kill you two, you gotta- kiss de girl! Sha la la lala, we wanna see some action, some great attraction, you gotta- kiss de girl!

DUMBLEDORE: Woah, woah!

ALL: Sh la la la, do it now, don't stop now, you gotta- kiss de girl!

DUMBLEDORE: Woah, woah!

ALL: Kiss de girl…

JAMES: Look, Lily, normally I wouldn't do this with Sirius, Remus and Dumbledore watching but the song's pretty catchy.

ALL: Kiss de girl…

LILY: Yes, I know. I don't think we have any choice really.

ALL: Kiss de girl…

JAMES: So, er…do you mind?

ALL: Kiss de girl…

LILY: Not at all. (She leans closer, but James promptly start singing)

JAMES: Sh la la la la, Lily it's true, I gotta thing for you, I wanna- kiss you girl!

LILY: Oh god.

JAMES: Sha la la la la, will I get hit, even just a little bit, if I- kiss you girl?

DUMBLEDORE: Woah, woah!

LILY: Can we go to dorm, this really isn't the norm, for all to watch you- kiss the girl!

ALL: Oh, no!

JAMES: Sha la la la, I see your point, even if they don't, but I gotta- kiss you girl!

ALL: Woah, woah!

LILY: Sha la la la, for the love of god, you stupid clod, I can't really- kiss you now!

ALL: Oh, no!

JAMES: Sha la la la, I'm into you, and that's the truth, I'd like to- kiss you girl!

ALL: Go, go!

LILY: Sha la la la, if it will shut you up, before we get stuck, then you can- kiss the girl!

ALL: Woah, woah!

JAMES: Well, in that case- (they kiss, finally. The Gryffindors cheer and then all close their windows.)

SIRIUS: Huzzah! I am the greatest!

DUMBLEDORE: Well done, boys. Ah, young love. One of the truest forms of magic. (wipes a tear from his eyes.)

REMUS: Now can we got to bed?

PETER: Ooher, I agree Sirius, we're not supposed to be up. We'll get into trouble.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh for heavens sake, lad, why don't you grow some balls, you little wimp? (shakes heads and clears throat suddenly, as though shaking himself out of a reverie.) Please excuse me, I…don't know what came over me.

SIRIUS: (open mouthed) Woah! Way to go, sir!

DUMBLEDORE: (pleased) Why thank you, Mr. Black. Now if you'll excuse me, I have more coupling to do this night. I believe Mr. Longbottom has also taken a young lady on a date.

(Sirius grins, and opens his mouth to say something but Remus punches him in the stomach.)

REMUS: don't even think about it.

SIRIUS: Ooher!

Oh my, that sucked more than anything has ever sucked before, and may we never speak of it again.