Chosen Death
(A side-story of Awakenings)
Part: 1/1
By: Loralei Fairhill
Rated: R
Genre: AR
Okay, so I left Toiki's past blank on purpose so I could write
this side-story. Things happen and I get ideas and then I write
them. So here's a little musing from the darker part of my mind
(a lot like Awakenings is). Please note that the poetry is MINE
and if you decide to be an awful person and steal it, I'll have
my copyright lawyers at your neck so fast you won't even know
what hit you. I promise. --; Otherwise, please enjoy, and email
me any comments, questions, compliments, etc. you might have! As
always, no flame policy stands (Blue Rose will kick your butt if
you even try. . . . *smiles sweetly*). Anyway, address is:
Loralei1300@aol.com
(scroll down for 'fic)
Amidst the ashes
I stood trembling
my ambition splintered
my values torn
my passion fallen to the floor
Why you, even you
couldn't help me
turn into a phoenix
to rise again.
It was that day, I recall, and no other, when I saw my
destiny through the window of the scrying pool. Mother said,
"Never touch the bowl or the sacred water or the special
ingredients one must add to see the future," but I did not heed
her warning. My head was full of the dreams of youth, and I
yearned with surprising fierceness to see what lay ahead of me.
So I went to the waters, to the crystal spring in the woods,
the only one that helps the dew-flowers grow in brilliant hues of
crimson and indigo. Of the flowers, I took only one of each color
and wove them carefully into my shining raven-black hair. Then I
dipped my water vessel into the crystalline depths of the pool
nearest to where the mouth of the spring spouted its fresh magic.
Hurrying back to the compound with my treasure, I stashed
the jug in my chambers and rushed to Mother's connecting room to
steal the other ingredients: elf-shot, bella donna, holly
berries, white lilies. Ingredients so poisonous in their nature
that they might overwhelm the scryer with their power. Foolishly,
I ignored their ability to kill, thinking with childish fancy
that I was immortal.
I procured the silver filigree bowl last. I can still see
its glinting round face staring up at me like an all-seeing eye
as I snatched it from our alter and stole back to the place where
I would perform the ceremony.
The wind whipped suddenly through my open skylight, filled
to the brim with watchful stars, and blew out the wax candle I
had burning for light to see and arrange the stolen items by.
That was the signal I had been waiting for to begin.
After placing the ingredients on a piece of cream velvet, I
lit nine tallow candles, surrounding myself in a circle of
protective white. Uttering the incantation carefully, for if I
mispronounced even one word I was as good as dead, I poured
thirty-six drops of the sacred pool's life-water into the bowl,
followed by the leaves, berries and flowers necessary to open the
portal to the Fates' world.
Inhaling the aroma of a thousand truths, I peered closer
into the silvery glimmer of the water. Lucidly shining in front
of me was my own face, yet the eyes were so very different and
full of wisdom. I smiled slightly and pushed closer, never
breaking eye contact with my reflection.
Then the impossible happened. I was no longer kneeling in
the three by three circle, but running along a forest path in a
place I had never seen before. Heavy footsteps trailed behind me,
and then a voice, so familiar, shouted to me, "Toiki, wait! I can
explain!"
I tried to drag my feet back then, but I found that I had
no control over my own body, no control over anything. Perhaps, I
thought suddenly, I've fallen asleep during the ritual and this
is merely a dream? No, I realized with sudden clarity, this can
be no dream. I feel the stones dig into my sandals as I flee from
this man, who cries my name with such anguished love. . . .
"Toiki, please . . . please, don't go! I-I love you! We-we
were meant to be-to be together . . ." he said, fading off. And
my eyes, looking ahead, saw a quarter-eternity of loneliness
threaded into the shafts of tree-sunlight.
With a sudden gasp, I came out of my trance-like state.
There was so much more, I knew. The man . . . my future
lover . . . and as I thought those words, I could feel his
burning kisses scorch my flesh, scarring my eyes, my cheeks, my
lips with their desire. . . . He was a phantom called forth from
the future; I had invited him with my chase, lured him back to a
present where I was simply a child of sixteen. Nameless, but so
very beautiful, he began to materialize, and I welcomed him into
my embrace. He was the first and only man to have me.
Later on, I awoke in his arms. The circle still surrounded
us with its brilliant white purity, but the ground ran red with
blood. It was mine, I discovered as I glanced down at my robes. I
decided to pay it no mind for the time being and began to doze
once more. He started from sleep then, however, and shifted me
off of him.
"Where am I?" he said in a sleepy tone, running a lazy hand
through his sleep-ruffled hair.
"With me," I answered. "Just as you should be."
"Toiki? But . . . you ran. I couldn't catch you, and you
wouldn't stop to listen." Surprise colored his voice rich tones
that sang in my ears.
"I listened. The Toiki you knew didn't know how," I said
carefully, unsure of the method I might use to broach the issue
of bringing him from the future to me accidentally.
Smiling softly, he replied, "You are the Toiki I know," and
kissed me urgently, as if it were the last time he would ever see
me. I returned his fervor, knowing that in my foolishness, I had
forced our strings of destiny to intertwine earlier than they
should have, and I would be doomed much too soon; my youth would
be now be destroyed with depression and longing for something
that might not return for centuries. . . .
"You'll have to go soon," I remarked afterwards, laying my
head on top of his smooth, muscular chest.
"Yes."
"I won't see you again for a very long time."
"Yes."
"Tell me your name so I'll remember who to search for."
"Toride," he said softly, his breath hot on my neck.
"Toride," I repeated.
"A sigh is useless against a fortress, Toiki-ko. Far too
easily crushed. . . ."
"I'll take my chances," I said firmly. "I know what I
want."
"And that is?" He raised a questioning eyebrow at my
determination.
"You."
When I woke up a few hours later, he was gone. I could only
speculate that he must have vanished as easily as he had come.
The quarter-eternity I had seen coalescing in between the trees
would be how long I would have to wait for him to come to me once
more.
~^^~
I cannot regret my imbecility at trying to hurry the future
for it brought Toride to me, but . . . somehow the life I would
have led had I not given in to childish wishes during those hours
seems to me happier than the one I live now. The only hope I gain
from my experience is the one that my new brother, Endymion,
brings. The scrying pool has shown me this: if I follow him, I
will find my love. So I will survive the necessary years in any
way I can, and then my end will come. But to do this, I must die.
And you, even you, Mother, can't stop this thing from coming. It
is my chosen death; I welcome it with open arms and open heart.
See, how perfect? My flesh is one with the air, my spirit is part
of the elements, my heart is the same as the wind. In this form,
I will seek him, and in this form, I will attain paradise.
~~~~~~~~~~~@Loralei Fairhill
chapter completed 6/22/01
As always, minna, I write for myself and no one else (because it
makes me happy ^_^), but should you happen to enjoy this story of
mine, please email me and tell me about it! I do love to hear
from readers; email really brightens up my day! And I guarantee a
response to every single email I get no matter what. What other
author promises that? ^^;; The address is:
Loralei1300@aol.com
And once more:
Loralei1300@aol.com
~^^~ _Awakenings_ (c) Loralei Fairhill 1/19/02
(A side-story of Awakenings)
Part: 1/1
By: Loralei Fairhill
Rated: R
Genre: AR
Okay, so I left Toiki's past blank on purpose so I could write
this side-story. Things happen and I get ideas and then I write
them. So here's a little musing from the darker part of my mind
(a lot like Awakenings is). Please note that the poetry is MINE
and if you decide to be an awful person and steal it, I'll have
my copyright lawyers at your neck so fast you won't even know
what hit you. I promise. --; Otherwise, please enjoy, and email
me any comments, questions, compliments, etc. you might have! As
always, no flame policy stands (Blue Rose will kick your butt if
you even try. . . . *smiles sweetly*). Anyway, address is:
Loralei1300@aol.com
(scroll down for 'fic)
Amidst the ashes
I stood trembling
my ambition splintered
my values torn
my passion fallen to the floor
Why you, even you
couldn't help me
turn into a phoenix
to rise again.
It was that day, I recall, and no other, when I saw my
destiny through the window of the scrying pool. Mother said,
"Never touch the bowl or the sacred water or the special
ingredients one must add to see the future," but I did not heed
her warning. My head was full of the dreams of youth, and I
yearned with surprising fierceness to see what lay ahead of me.
So I went to the waters, to the crystal spring in the woods,
the only one that helps the dew-flowers grow in brilliant hues of
crimson and indigo. Of the flowers, I took only one of each color
and wove them carefully into my shining raven-black hair. Then I
dipped my water vessel into the crystalline depths of the pool
nearest to where the mouth of the spring spouted its fresh magic.
Hurrying back to the compound with my treasure, I stashed
the jug in my chambers and rushed to Mother's connecting room to
steal the other ingredients: elf-shot, bella donna, holly
berries, white lilies. Ingredients so poisonous in their nature
that they might overwhelm the scryer with their power. Foolishly,
I ignored their ability to kill, thinking with childish fancy
that I was immortal.
I procured the silver filigree bowl last. I can still see
its glinting round face staring up at me like an all-seeing eye
as I snatched it from our alter and stole back to the place where
I would perform the ceremony.
The wind whipped suddenly through my open skylight, filled
to the brim with watchful stars, and blew out the wax candle I
had burning for light to see and arrange the stolen items by.
That was the signal I had been waiting for to begin.
After placing the ingredients on a piece of cream velvet, I
lit nine tallow candles, surrounding myself in a circle of
protective white. Uttering the incantation carefully, for if I
mispronounced even one word I was as good as dead, I poured
thirty-six drops of the sacred pool's life-water into the bowl,
followed by the leaves, berries and flowers necessary to open the
portal to the Fates' world.
Inhaling the aroma of a thousand truths, I peered closer
into the silvery glimmer of the water. Lucidly shining in front
of me was my own face, yet the eyes were so very different and
full of wisdom. I smiled slightly and pushed closer, never
breaking eye contact with my reflection.
Then the impossible happened. I was no longer kneeling in
the three by three circle, but running along a forest path in a
place I had never seen before. Heavy footsteps trailed behind me,
and then a voice, so familiar, shouted to me, "Toiki, wait! I can
explain!"
I tried to drag my feet back then, but I found that I had
no control over my own body, no control over anything. Perhaps, I
thought suddenly, I've fallen asleep during the ritual and this
is merely a dream? No, I realized with sudden clarity, this can
be no dream. I feel the stones dig into my sandals as I flee from
this man, who cries my name with such anguished love. . . .
"Toiki, please . . . please, don't go! I-I love you! We-we
were meant to be-to be together . . ." he said, fading off. And
my eyes, looking ahead, saw a quarter-eternity of loneliness
threaded into the shafts of tree-sunlight.
With a sudden gasp, I came out of my trance-like state.
There was so much more, I knew. The man . . . my future
lover . . . and as I thought those words, I could feel his
burning kisses scorch my flesh, scarring my eyes, my cheeks, my
lips with their desire. . . . He was a phantom called forth from
the future; I had invited him with my chase, lured him back to a
present where I was simply a child of sixteen. Nameless, but so
very beautiful, he began to materialize, and I welcomed him into
my embrace. He was the first and only man to have me.
Later on, I awoke in his arms. The circle still surrounded
us with its brilliant white purity, but the ground ran red with
blood. It was mine, I discovered as I glanced down at my robes. I
decided to pay it no mind for the time being and began to doze
once more. He started from sleep then, however, and shifted me
off of him.
"Where am I?" he said in a sleepy tone, running a lazy hand
through his sleep-ruffled hair.
"With me," I answered. "Just as you should be."
"Toiki? But . . . you ran. I couldn't catch you, and you
wouldn't stop to listen." Surprise colored his voice rich tones
that sang in my ears.
"I listened. The Toiki you knew didn't know how," I said
carefully, unsure of the method I might use to broach the issue
of bringing him from the future to me accidentally.
Smiling softly, he replied, "You are the Toiki I know," and
kissed me urgently, as if it were the last time he would ever see
me. I returned his fervor, knowing that in my foolishness, I had
forced our strings of destiny to intertwine earlier than they
should have, and I would be doomed much too soon; my youth would
be now be destroyed with depression and longing for something
that might not return for centuries. . . .
"You'll have to go soon," I remarked afterwards, laying my
head on top of his smooth, muscular chest.
"Yes."
"I won't see you again for a very long time."
"Yes."
"Tell me your name so I'll remember who to search for."
"Toride," he said softly, his breath hot on my neck.
"Toride," I repeated.
"A sigh is useless against a fortress, Toiki-ko. Far too
easily crushed. . . ."
"I'll take my chances," I said firmly. "I know what I
want."
"And that is?" He raised a questioning eyebrow at my
determination.
"You."
When I woke up a few hours later, he was gone. I could only
speculate that he must have vanished as easily as he had come.
The quarter-eternity I had seen coalescing in between the trees
would be how long I would have to wait for him to come to me once
more.
~^^~
I cannot regret my imbecility at trying to hurry the future
for it brought Toride to me, but . . . somehow the life I would
have led had I not given in to childish wishes during those hours
seems to me happier than the one I live now. The only hope I gain
from my experience is the one that my new brother, Endymion,
brings. The scrying pool has shown me this: if I follow him, I
will find my love. So I will survive the necessary years in any
way I can, and then my end will come. But to do this, I must die.
And you, even you, Mother, can't stop this thing from coming. It
is my chosen death; I welcome it with open arms and open heart.
See, how perfect? My flesh is one with the air, my spirit is part
of the elements, my heart is the same as the wind. In this form,
I will seek him, and in this form, I will attain paradise.
~~~~~~~~~~~@Loralei Fairhill
chapter completed 6/22/01
As always, minna, I write for myself and no one else (because it
makes me happy ^_^), but should you happen to enjoy this story of
mine, please email me and tell me about it! I do love to hear
from readers; email really brightens up my day! And I guarantee a
response to every single email I get no matter what. What other
author promises that? ^^;; The address is:
Loralei1300@aol.com
And once more:
Loralei1300@aol.com
~^^~ _Awakenings_ (c) Loralei Fairhill 1/19/02