Sirius Vents.

Sung to the tune of "I Just Can't Wait to Be King" from the Lion King.

SCENE: It is after dinner at Hogwarts and the common room is gradually filling up with happy, full Gryffindors. Most people are settling down to do homework or read or whatever in front of the fire. Everything is peaceful and lovely. Suddenly, the castle starts to shake with the big booming angry steps of…

SIRIUS: ARRRRRRGGHH!!!! (He slams his way into the common room angrily, stops, and yells to the ceiling. I HATE SNAPE SO MUUUUUUCCH!!!

(There is a pause where everyone kind of exchanges glances, and then gets back to whatever they were doing.)

SIRUS: (grabs a passing first year) Do you hear me? I hate him! HATE HIM!

FIRST YEAR: Aaaah! D-Don't hurt me!

(Lily and James, who have been upstairs, happen to walk down into the common room at that moment. They pause as they see Sirius in fits of rage and exchange a glance.)

LILY: Hmmm.

JAMES: Oh dear.

LILY: he's your friend.

JAMES: Yeah. Funny that.

REMUS: He had an encounter with Snape, I think.

LILY: Remus? Wherd' you coem from?

REMUS: …??? I…don't know…

JAMES: Oh dear. That's…so odd.

LILY: Well, he's your friend.

JAMES: I know. (He looks back to where Sirius is now ripping apart a cushion with his teeth.) I'd better see to this.

(he sidles down to where Sirius is and gently wrests the cushion from him.)

JAMES: there there padfoot old chap. Tell Uncle Jim what's the matter.

SIRIUS: I don't have an Uncle Jim. JUST AN ENORMOUS DESIRE TO KILL SNAPE!

James: No, what I meant was- never mind. What did Snape do now?

SIRIUS: Well! You'll never guess! I was coming out the Hall, right?

JAMES: uh huh…

SIRIUS: And I happened to see him in front of me…

JAMES: Mmm hmm

SIRIUS: So of course I just did a bit of a hex on him. I didn't know he was so afraid of fire. If I knew he was going to start screaming like that, then I wouldn't have set fire to his hair!

JAMES: (wearily) Sirius…

SIRIUS: I know! What a freak he is! So of course he called McGonagall over, and she took off twenty points. And then- this is the worst part-

JAMES: (holding the bridge of his nose) Go on then.

SIRIUS: McGonagall walks off, and Snape- he really did this- he turns around, and then, and then- he smirked at me.

JAMES: He didn't.

SIRIUS: he did. And you know the worst part- (by the time James, Lily and Remus are all giggling, so he stops.) What?

REMUS: Sirius, you're an absolute prat.

SIRIUS: yeah. So?

REMUS: You- never mind. (Sirius rolls his eyes and settles back into the couch, clenching his fists.)

SIRIUS: Man, I hate him. I really, really hate him.

JAMES: We know. I hate him too.

SIRIUS: But James you don't get it. I like, really really hate him. I hate him more than Mr. potato head, and Christ knows I'm gonna kill that little bastard one of these days.

REMUS: Oh no, not the potato thing again…

LILY: Really, Sirius, more than Mr. Potato head? That much?

SIRIUS: Yeah! That much! You know, sometimes I just hate Snape so much, it makes me crazy!

JAMES: heaven forbid.

SIRIUS: I just hate him so much, I could- I could- I could sing!

REMUS: Don't. For the love of God, don't.

(It's too late. One of the first years, who happen to be a Disney fan, has managed to get their wand to start playing a medley if Lion King songs. Sirius sits up straight and takes his cue)

SIRIUS: (singing, much to Remus's despair.)
Behold the mighty gryffindors,
We are Hogwarts Kings!

JAMES: Yeah, and that's why the mighty Gryffindor
Was often heard to sing…

SIRIUS: But Slytherin, those slimy gits
Really jerk me about!
How can I focus on my goals while they breathe in and out?
JAMES: Thus far a rather uninspiring thing.

SIRIUS: I just HATE Snape more than anything!…

He's really very ugly,
When's he's around I can't breathe the air
And if that's not at all enough-
He's never ever washed his hair!
Oh, Snapey's just a horrible slimy git-
He's lower than a flobberworm's shit!

REMUS: Look Sirius…You can't just go round killing Snape-
It's quite against the law

SIRIUS: I don't need advice from any werewolves first of all!

REMUS: AAH! Oh, Sirius, how can you be so insensitive?! Aaah, oh god, I hate my life! (runs off to the dorms crying)

JAMES: Oh, look what you've done now!

Normally I would agree,
but right now I'm just miffed
Sirius, your lousy singing,
Has sent Remus off a cliff
So please don't ever start to sing-

SIRIUS: I just HATE Snape more than anything!

Every time I look right
Every time I look left
Every time he's around me
Of sanity I am bereft! (Author's note: *POETIC LICENSE*)
JAMES: No shit.

(Suddenly everyone in the common room and begins to sing)

ALL: Let everybody go for broke and sing
Stand up now and stop transfiguring
The time has come for Snapey's execu-ting!

SIRIUS: Oh I just hate Snape more than anything! Oh I just hate Snape more than anything! I JUST HATE SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPE! MORE THAN ANYTHIIIIIIIIIIIING!

(Sirius signs until he runs out of breath and then collapses on the couch next to James and Lily, panting.)

LILY: So. You hate Snape.

SIRIUS: Uh huh.

LILY: I never would have guessed.

(Suddenly a giant foot comes down and squashes them all ala Monty Python because I can't think of anything else to write.)

THE END