Title: My Sacrifice
Author: Fabs G
Summary: Songfic to Creed's "My Sacrifice". Sirius and everything that's happened to him through the years, centered on his friendship with Remus. R/R!
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I'm not Creed, so I don't own the song "My sacrifice". I'm not J.K. Rowling, so I don't own any of these. Besides, If I were Joanne, I would have already published book 5! *hint*
A/N: (On the song and on writing) I adore
this song. I can't help thinking how dead I would be without my lovely friends.
I had heard it a million times before I realized what a Sirius/Remus song it
is, and I just had to get this off my mind and onto paper.
A/N 2: (On the fic) Short and sweet. Read it with your best friend. A big I
LOVE YOU to my friends. The very thought of you lights up my day, no matter how
dark it is.
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Hello my friend, we meet again
It's been awhile, where should we begin?
Feels like forever
I saw you entering the Shrieking Shack in all your glory. Because you still have trouble believing it, but when you're determined, Remus, when that particular light has set on your eyes, you can look hell of a lot better than I ever did. You took Harry's wand of his hand, saving me, although deep inside I knew Harry wouldn't have killed me.
You looked at me, and as I pointed at Peter, I knew your uncanny ability to read me like a book hadn't been lost. Your gaze pierced my soul as I plead to every deity and saint that might have been paying attention to help you see the truth of the story. You had to believe me. Another day completely alone in the world without anyone on my side would have probably killed me.
When you took my hand and hugged me I could have crumbled right there at your feet, letting you take care of me, as I knew you wanted to. The terrible weight of 12 years without anyone, without you finally fell upon me and I let you tell the entire story, fixing my eyes on Peter, the vermin who is to blame for all.
Within my heart of memories
A perfect love that you gave to me.
Oh I remember
The weeks that followed our meeting in the Shrieking Shack were a combination of torture and bliss. I was still a fugitive, I had all of England's dementors after me, I had to run of the country and of those I wanted to be with to keep me safe, I was thin to the point of sickness and Azkaban, although it had been months since I had flee from it, was still torturing my weak mind. But somehow, none of it mattered. I found a nice solitary island not far from home but still not so dangerously near, and as I sat on a beach of blinding white sand I thought that this was as close a blessing I'd get in a long time. I was as happy as I had ever felt. Harry had finally believed me, I escaped the most horrible destiny I could have had and most of all, I had your trust back.
As I wrote you some lines to let you know I was ok, I couldn't believe how much I had needed you. How long I had survived without your friendship. I had escaped to protect Harry, to make sure that that rat didn't get to him, and when I learned you were teaching at Hogwarts, I would have fell backwards of the surprise if it hadn't been because I was turned into Padfoot at the time.
Of course that I had seen you before the Shrieking Shack, but it had been from far away. I was roaming the borders of the forbidden forest when I saw you getting out of Hagrid's hut. Padfoot's instincts felt like howling and grabbing your attention but my still human mind managed to get a hold of him. At first I thought you were just paying a visit to Hagrid- he had always been one of the greatest people I've ever met, and a very dear friend of us, so it wasn't so strange the idea of you visiting him. But then he waved at you, and he called you professor. You were at Hogwarts 24/7.
Padfoot run deep into the forest that evening, howling every once in a while, and when I felt Padfoot could not take anything else, I changed back to myself. I slept beneath a tree that night, not even realizing how dangerous it could be. Feeling the emptiness the absence of a friend creates feels so difference if you're seeing your friend or not. It was torture in Azkaban, but seeing you and knowing how much you must have hated me for so many years was another kind of torture altogether I had no idea of.
I dreamt that night. I dreamt of our seven years at Hogwarts, of everything that had happened to us, good and bad. I dreamt of our detentions, of our few but painful fights, our worry about you, our pain for your pain, of how much it hurt me when you –for a while- stopped trusting me after I played my fool joke on Snape.
I dreamt of our endless pranks, of James' loyalty and wonderful sense of humor. Of Peter's quiet but strong presence. Of your discreet humor and eye-grabbing personality, your ability to center everything on you or make the world forget you exist. I dreamt of James' joy when he started dating Lily, of the perfect day our graduation was, of the perfect friendship you offered me throughout the years without asking for anything back. And I dreamt of how I betrayed that friendship.
I never knew if the memories that hurt the most were the bad ones or the good ones.
When you are with me I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Do you know that feeling of utter bliss and joy you get when you're doing something you absolutely adore, or when you're feeling love or friendship? It makes you smile like an idiot, crack up a joke at the very least of things, and you see the world as beautiful and forgiving and all yours.
I felt like that when I got your friendship back. Before Azkaban I had never cared much about expressing how I felt for my friends, mainly because nothing tragic had happened to us to wake us up. When I realized just how much I would die without James or you, James was already dead and you thought I had murdered my best friend.
Azkaban didn't kill me. I died before that. I died at Godric's Hollow, crying over the bodies of James and Lily. I stayed dead for 12 years, and Azkaban was my hell. Having you as a friend back was like being born again. I had someone that cared about me, and I could let myself fall because I knew you would pick me up. I could cry if I needed to, because I knew you'd dry my tears. I could focus all my strengths on being there for Harry, because you were there for me. In a nutshell: I believed in friendship again. I believed that life really does have it's ups, no only its downs.
Above all the others we'll fly
this brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice
We've seen our share of ups and downs
Oh how quickly life can turn around
in an instant
And now that everything has ended, that I finally have a chance of a quiet life with those I love, I don't know how to begin. Everyday I wake up expecting rock underneath me, and instead I found the soft bed of your home's guestroom. Everyday I wake up and expect another day of starving, and you're already up and making breakfast. Everyday I wake up and expect to be shunned and feared because of what I'm not and of what I didn't do and you and Harry hug me like if I was the most important person of your life. Everyday I wake up to expect the worst has happened to you or Harry, and I find you sleeping safely in your bed.
If I didn't know any better, I'd say this is a dream. Or maybe I've gone insane and I'm at St. Mungos' dreaming with a perfect world of my own. But then I crack a joke, you throw something at my forehead and it hurts. I'm not dreaming. You're real. And you nurse my forehead where it hurts.
In less than a year I passed from being a feared fugitive to being practically a hero. A year ago I was 'Voldemort's most loyal DeathEater'. Then I was his nemesis, and then the hero of the Order of the Phoenix. Talk about irony.
It still hasn't dawned on me completely that everything has ended, and I'm afraid that when it does, you'll have to be strong for me, because I feel my strength is draining. I've been out of Azkaban for nearly four years now, but part of myself is still there. Azkaban nightmares are not something you forget easily. It takes time, and I've just started to have time for myself. Will you be there for me? It won't be easy… I wouldn't want you to go through that…
Then you smile at me, with that very special smile that says so much. It says how good you are right now, how everything is going to be ok, how generally, we're as perfect as we've ever hope to be. I've missed that smile so much.
It feels so good to realize
within yourself and within your mind
Let's find peace there
They say you don't know what you have until you lose it. I've lost you twice already. The first one was so brief it seems almost like a joke right now, but it was a warning I did not heed. The second time I lost you, it was almost fatal. It killed James, and it almost killed you and me, although in much more different ways.
You know something? I've labeled different parts of my heart. There's one for the love you have only for your parents. Another part is for places such as Hogwarts or your house or my old home. Another part of my heart is for child of my own, which is currently owned by Harry and I have a feeling it will always be. Another part is for love, neglected for so many years. The last part, but certainly not least, is one for friendship. In my whole life, I only shared it with three people. When James died he took a big piece of my heart, which I'm never going to recover. Peter crumbled his piece to bits, thus losing it forever. And the last portion of my heart is yours.
I remember after my joke on Snape we had a long talk at the Shrieking Shack. You said everything so clearly. My impulsive nature, my good heart, my instinct ruling over every muscle in my body, my mind thrown to the gutter if someone I love is hurt. It was there that I realized you know me better than I know myself. You took a piece of my heart that day, and you still have it. You show it to me every time you tease me, every time you smile at me after I've said something with an in-joke in it no one but us understands. And I'm so glad it's you who takes care of that piece.
You often tell me to stop worrying so much about you. That you're 'a big boy' who can take care of himself. That, given the chance, you could take me down at anytime you wanted with your werewolf strength. I know. But I don't do it for you. I do it out of complete and shameless selfishness, because I'm sure that if something happens to you, I'd die.
I lost you twice. I will not lose you again.
Cause when you are with me I'm free
I'm careless, I believe.
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice
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Author's Footnote: I don't envy Sirius, nor Remus. I would have died if I had had to spend 12 years without my friends. Wouldn't you?