Fixing A Broken Heart
yue kato
1997
Prologue:
"There was nothing to say
The day she left
I filled a suitcase full of regrets"
----"Fixin' A Broken Heart", Indecent Obsession
He knocked once on the door and, without waiting for a reply, entered. Maintaining the cool, expressionless facade, he scanned the room for intruders out of reflex before turning to look at the young woman standing before the large French windows. "You wanted to see me?"
She seemed not to have heard him, remaining entranced in whatever she was gazing at outside the building. After a while, she gave a slight shake of her head, bringing herself out of her reverie, and her shoulders lifted and fell in a delicate sigh. Turning, she stepped out of the bright rays of the afternoon sun into the shadows. Where he was.
He shifted his line of sight so that he was now looking at her directly, but the gentle waving of light brown silk as she had shaken her head was still imprinted on his mental vision. You think she's beautiful, a treacherous little voice within him said. So why don't you just admit it? He clamped down on that stray thought and banished it to a remote part of his brain. Focusing on the clear blue of her eyes, he repeated, "Why did you want to see me?"
The dreadful tearing sensation within his gut that had grown ever since he received her summons increased a little more when he saw her flinch at his direct question. Her pale, smooth brow wrinkled as a look of indecision flitted across her features, but after a moment, the warring factions within her mind died down, and a veneer of calm settled over her again. Taking a deep breath, she began to speak.
"Heero, I... let me begin by saying I am sorry, really, I am..." The tearing sensation just became worse -- much, much worse. "It's just that... I... this isn't going to be easy to say... it's just that things are different now in this new era we've created, and we've also changed. You and I... the others... we all have different roles to play now, and being an Ambassador to the Colonies, I have so many things to do..." She smiled sardonically, as if in self-acknowledgement of the lame excuse she had just given. Closing her eyes, she took a few seconds to compose herself. "Forgive me, Heero. I... it's... I just don't have the feelings I had for you before. I'm not the Relena Dorian you tried to kill when we first met. Now, I'm Relena Peacecraft, Ambassador to the Colonies. Presently, this new role is my life, my anchor. I'm truly sorry to put an end to our relationship..." Then, she looked up with an almost defiant gleam in her eyes. "That is, if we even had a relationship to begin with. You never said anything, and I... I'm too tired to try and make you admit anything anymore." Her shoulders drooped a little as she said that last part, but she rallied and approached Heero, leaning up to brush her lips across his gently in a sweet goodbye kiss -- their first and last. "Sayonara, Heero." Her voice choked slightly and she quickly left the room.
He remained where he was, not moving a single muscle, as he had not moved at all since she had opened her mouth to begin her stumbling monologue. He had not said anything, had not done anything, to help her along the way, had not met her halfway, to graciously accept the rejection, the offer to break apart. He was completely focused inward, on the tearing that seemed to now engulf him. Her voice reverberated in his mind, repeating the words of separation over and over until finally, something broke. And a strange feeling -- much like pain -- spread from somewhere in his heart to the other parts of his body. It felt much like he was injured, yet not.
Later, he was to realise this was the pain arising from regrets he had never allowed himself to admit, shattered dreams he did not dare face, a broken heart he never thought he possessed. But at that time, he could not identify it and could do nothing to stop its spread. He could only stand there and let it wash over him in waves, for if he moved even the slightest bit, he would shatter.
He remembered things about her that had never seemed to cross his mind. The intensity in her eyes as she spoke, the small quiver in her voice, the streak of fire she had left across his lips. Brown silken strands had curled around his arm, caressing it for one breathless moment before they followed their owner away. From him.
The sun's rays had lengthened as he stood rooted, and inched their way towards him, like golden tendrils of consolation reaching for him. But before they ever completed their journey over the carpet to where he was, twilight came, and the only things that wrapped around him lovingly were his old friends -- the shadows.
End prologue