Fixing A Broken Heart

yue kato

1997

part 2:

"And like an answered prayer

I turned around and found you there"

----"Fixin' A Broken Heart", Indecent Obsession

Heero splashed his face wet and then turned off the running water, staring at himself in the mirror. He felt strange, still not fully aware of what was out of joint. The pain within him had retreated to a dull ache, except when he thought of Relena. Then it would form a sharp spear and pierce him right through. He wondered how long this would last. Yet, surprisingly, he found himself unwilling to contemplate life without this pain that seemed to have fused as a part of him.

The events of the past few days floated randomly across his mind. He remembered the disastrous encounter with Relena the day after her announcement. He had finally snapped, and had to hurt her in some way as she had him. It was, he reflected, one of the hardest days of his life. Dying had seemed – and felt – easier.

Other than that, though, there was not really much else about her. Maybe that was because he had been blocking thoughts of her out. The subservient side of him that carried out all orders no matter how distasteful was outraged, of course – it was his duty to protect her, and he couldn't very well accomplish that if he wasn't alert of her. But the rest of him didn't bloody care. It was weird that he could be so at odds with himself. Is that how others feel most of the time? he thought absently. No wonder they are so inefficient.

Other people, even Duo, were either fascinated or repelled by his total, single-minded concentration, to the exclusion of all else, when he was on a mission. Now… something had changed… or had he just reopened the door to his true self?

With a sudden jerk, Heero realised he had been staring blankly at himself in the mirror. He pushed away from the sink and stepped out of the bathroom, gathering all the confusion and chaos within his mind and dumping it in some obscure corner. It wouldn't bother him now until he closed his eyes and the dreams came. However, another image drifted by before he could shut that mental door, one as familiar to him as his own hand.

He wondered why Duo had still not asked him anything or made some remark about his abnormal behaviour. He could vaguely sense Duo's curiosity eating at him, and he was sure the other pilot turned to look at him in bemusement every now and then while they worked. Yet he had never said a word, and was uncharacteristically sensitive to what Heero didn't want to hear.

Forget it for now, he told himself. With some difficulty, he dragged the image of the long-haired pilot into the chaos storeroom and slammed the door on it.

***

"Heero!" Footsteps followed the shout that jerked him out of his -- how many times had it been since... then -- latest session of staring blankly at the computer monitor. He debated with himself whether to respond, but Duo's voice did hold a sense of urgency that was seldom present.

Swivelling around, he faced the ex-Gundam pilot, who was slightly panting from his mad dash to the room.

"Heero, you've gotta be calm now. L2 just sent us an emergency signal." He paused, eyes flickering away momentarily before he appeared to steel himself for the inevitable. "They say that Relena's missing." So saying, he reflexively took a step back, as if that would garner additional protection, however meagre, from the explosion that was sure to follow.

Seconds passed in silence.

After a couple of minutes, Duo ventured to open his mouth. "Eh, Heero... this is serious. Relena's gone, and the people over there are in a total panic. We have to get there straightaway and find her..." He trailed off as Heero's gaze suddenly snapped up at him. It's coming now, Duo thought, and winced. Hopefully, he won't try to kill me for bringing him the news. I guess the shadow of Death never really left me...

But all Heero did was swing back to face his computer while curtly demanding more details into the Vice-Ambassador's disappearance.

***

Heero gazed at the brilliant points of light that faded away into streaks as they sped by. He felt clear-headed for the first time in what seemed like eons. The indescribable sensation that was his constant companion back when he was still in the war had resurfaced. That knot of danger and tension, overlaid with a sickening excitement, hummed within him. And the panic, hanging over him like a sword of Damocles, liable to be unleashed at any time, lurked at the back of his brain, firmly restrained there by iron training and sheer willpower.

He glanced at the abnormally silent figure seated next to him in the shuttle that was to take them to the L2 sector. The joker's face that Duo often wore was absent, and his face seemed to be strained with tension and anxiety. Does he care for her that much? Heero shrugged away the vague distaste he felt at that notion.

Violet eyes met his own as Duo realised he was being stared at. One side of his mouth lifted in a half-hearted grin. "Feels like old times, doesn't it?" He gave a soft sigh and slouched down further in the seat before continuing, "Wish we had our Gundams still, though. I feel as if I'm going into battle without a vital part of me."

Heero gave no reply, merely acknowledging his partner's words with his silence.

Their objectives were simple. Further reports had followed that Relena had been kidnapped by some new radicals that were out to reform the colony, thereby disrupting important talks and negotiations that had been her primary aim in travelling to the satellite. The authorities had more or less got a fix on the hideout and all that remained was for Heero and Duo to infiltrate the site and get her out. It would be child's play compared to the ordeals they had went through.

Strange though, that he was so calm. He could tell that Duo had half expected him to go insane and begin lashing out like some rabid animal, but he felt totally incapable of achieving the degree of emotion that required. He had cautiously lowered the barriers he had constructed around his mental vision of Relena, ready to snap them back up in the event panic overwhelmed him -- but nervous breakdowns remained far from his reach. Was that it? Could this be the extent to which he could feel for a person? Or maybe, just maybe, I was never really in love with her at all... The thought shocked him, and he frowned, trying to absorb this new concept.

A light soothing touch on his arm brought with it unexpected comfort, until the "Ne, Heero, don't worry. She'll be alright..."

Duo felt the stiffening that signified rejection and withdrew his hand, marvelling at the way his mind just automatically sifted out the hurt and dumped it into some bottomless pit -- at least, he hoped it was bottomless.

He didn't want to be around himself the day the pain decided to overflow and engulf him.

End part 2