Chapter 3- Regrets
He was on the very first flight he could book back to the states. He sat in his seat as he wondered to himself. What am I going to say to Dawn? What am I going to say to Joyce? Oh, God, I should have been there for her...for them.
Riley could feel the tears well up in his eyes as he remembered the Commander's words as he handed him the telegram. This came for you while you were deep in the jungle. There was no possible way you could have been notified without the mission being compromised. I am sorry, son.
He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a tear stained piece of paper and read it again.
01 JUN 01
Agent Riley Finn stop
Buffy passed away stop
Burial next Monday. stop
Xander Harris
He buried his head in in hands and choked on the tears streaming down his face. Six months! He sobbed. Bufffy has been gone for six months... His head was wracked with pain, as was his heart. How could I have not known? How come I couldn't feel it in my heart. He closed his eyes. Oh God, Buffy I am so sorry...
He felt so tired, but he knew sleep would not bring him the relief he sought. He would always see her face smiling up at him. He would always feel the warmth of her body next to his, like he did all those months before, before he left her like a coward. Like a coward who knew he wasn't strong enough to fight for the precious gift of her love. He closed his eyes and he could see Spike standing before him.
"Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. (sighs) To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you. Surrounding you. The scent ... No, you got the better deal."
Goddamned Spike! If it wasn't for him, he would have been there for Buffy. If Spike wouldn't have gone to her ...brought her to him that night, he would have been beside her, no matter what battle she faced. If only it hadn't been for him...
He couldn't hear anything except for the pounding of his own heart. "Harder...Harder", he commanded the vamp as she bit down and sucked the blood from his arm. Oh God, he had groaned, now this is power... He looked up as he heard a gasp. Oh, Shit! Buffy... She stood before him with a look of disgust on her face, in her eyes. And he, Spike, just stood there triumphantly gloating.
Riley dropped his head into his lap and felt the bile in his throat. He swallowed and shut his eyes fighting the urge to vomit. How could I have done that to her? I had it all, and I threw it away. She may not have loved me, but she still needed me. And I let her down. And now what do I do?
In his mind he knew the answer. He was going to go back and finish whatever job Buffy had started. He was going to find out how she died and who killed her. He was going to finish the battle for her and protect her family and friends. He was going to make it right for her even if it meant destroying himself in the process. He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a well worn photograph. He looked into those green eyes he would always find himself lost in. I will make this right, Buffy, I swear to you I will... He sobbed and closed his eyes as the tears streamed down his face .