1 The Magickal Golden Corn Stalk
Chapter One: The Beginning
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these people! I'm just borrowing them for a little while. I promise to return them when I'm done! Don't sue me, please. I only have $22 and my ring to my name, as of the writing of this. It's probably less by the time you read this! So, yeah, suing me is pointless. Plus, the fact that I already said they're not mine, so there! ^_^
Summary: What do you get when you mix one insane writer, 18 of her favorite characters from various TV shows/books/movies and a magickal, golden corn stalk? This story! Now read on!
**************************************************************************** ***********************************
John Crichton sat on the terrace, looking into the stars. Well, counting them, actually. Damn it, he was bored. They'd pretty much just been drifting for the last week and a half. No Scorpious, Crais, or just random insane people that, for no apparent reason, wanted to blow their heads off. And in their absence, boredom had over come them all.
It was a fate worse then death.
Aeryn walked in a plopped down next to John. "Seen anything exciting?"
"I'm *counting* the stars. You think I've seen anything exciting?" he grumbled.
"What number are you on?"
"Uh…" John thought for a moment. "I dunno. I kinda lost track."
Aeryn raised an eyebrow at him. "You've been counting the stars, but you've lost track?"
John shrugged and laid down. "Wake me up if anything remotely close to exciting happens."
Manda sat back and watched without anyone taking notice. She snickered evilly to herself. "Oh, just you wait Mr. Crichton. I've got some excitement for you…" She burst into a fit of, quiet, evil snickers again.
John awoke with a start as a loud thud rang out in the terrace.
"Damn it all," Manda muttered. "When I said 'The writer drops in on John and Aeryn,' I didn't mean *literally!*"
Both John and Aeryn stood up. John just blinked in Manda's general direction, while Aeryn pulled out her pulse riffle and pointed at her. "Who the *frell* are you?" she demanded.
"Wha?" Manda said distantly, picking up her infamous black notebook and blue pen. (A/n: Yes, I really do have an infamous black notebook and blue pen. Whenever someone sees me with them, they know I'm writing some of the most frightening things ever put on paper ^_^) "Oh, yeah. I am," she bowed, "the writer and, for the duration of this story, supreme queen of the universe! But just call me Manda."
Aeryn looked at Manda in disbelief. "*You're* the writer? A weak, pathetic little thing like you?"
Manda glared at Aeryn. "Oooh, Aeryn, I like you and all, but you're gonna pay for that one." She quickly wrote something down in her notebook. Aeryn suddenly threw her pulse riffle aside and began singing.
"99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall. 98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer…"
Manda giggled madly. "Call *me* weak and pathetic, will you? So, anyway," she said, ignoring Aeryn's singing, "I understand y'all have been bored lately."
"Er, yeah," John said.
A scary sort of wild look came over Manda's face. John and Aeryn looked at each other while Aeryn continued to sing. ("92 bottles of beer on the wall…") "I'm here to fix that!" Manda exclaimed. "But first…" Manda wrote something down in her infamous black notebook.
Manda, John, and Aeryn suddenly appeared in Pilot's den, along with D'Argo, Chiana (A/n: GO CHIANA!), Rygle, Jool, Stark, and Zhaan. Everyone looked around confused, but Zhaan most of all.
"Excuse me," she said, the first one to find her voice, "but what exactly am I doing here?"
"I brought you here," Manda said cheerily. "You kick ass Zhaan. You never should've died. So I brought you back."
"Oh. Ok."
"And who are *you*?" D'Argo asked angrily.
"This is Manda, the writer and supreme queen of the universe," John said. "And I wouldn't say anything bad about her," he added, pointing at Aeryn, who was on 85 bottles of beer.
Manda smiled brightly. "He's got it. Now, we got all you guys here. Next we need…" Manda wrote furiously in her infamous black notebook.
Cade Foster and Eddie Nambulous suddenly appeared in Pilot's den.
"Cool," Manda said.
"What the hell?" Cade said. He looked around from the aliens, to a human- looking guy, to a human-looking chick sing 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall, to a human-looking girl holding a notebook and grinning like an idiot.
John sighed. "This is-"
"Wait John," Manda interrupted. "We've got more coming. Cade, Eddie, just chill a second. I'll let John explain everything once I've got everyone here." She continued to write.
By the time Manda was done, Will Riker, Wesley Crusher, Julian Bashir, Seven, Kai, Acorna, Harry Potter, and Oliver Wood (A/n: from the movie!!!) had appeared in Pilot's den. Everyone looked thoroughly confused, except for Manda, who looked very pleased with herself.
"Hey Manda?" John said. "It's getting kinda crowded in here."
"Hrm…" Manda wrote in her infamous black notebook and everyone appeared in the cargo bay. "Better?" she asked?
Everyone nodded in agreement. John quickly introduced Manda, and everyone introduced themselves to everyone else.
"Good," Manda said when they were done. "So, I bet y'all are wonderin' why you're here?" she asked. Again, everyone nodded. "Ok, I'll explain.
"Farscape people; duh, this is a Farscape fic! Acorna and Harry; you're both two really, really cool adventurous-type people. Seven and Eddie; you're cool, plus you're two smart people I can carry on an intelligent conversation with. Cade, Will, Wesley, Julian, Kai, and Oliver; if you haven't noticed, you guys are insanely cute!" Manda giggled.
"So," she said, regaining her composure. "Any questions?"
"Yeah," Will said. "Is this story ever going to have a plot?"
"Plot? Oh geez, I knew I forgot something! Hmmm…" Manda stared out into space as she thought, both a loud and to herself. "Well, plot needs a conflict. But so many different types of conflict. Which to choose, which to choose?" She thought some more.
"I've got it!" she said suddenly, causing everyone to jump. She started writing while she spoke. "You must all break into teams…to retrieve…the magickal, golden…corn stalk! Yeah, magickal corn stalk." She continued to write.
"We have to get a corn stalk?" Acorna asked.
"Not just any corn stalk. A magickal gold one." She finished what she was writing. "Ok, so we need teams. 18 of you, so how 'bout 3 teams of 6?" When no one objected, she continued.
"All right. Acorna, you're the captain of Team 1. Stand there. John, you're the captain of Team 2. Stand there. Cade, captain of Team 3. Over there. Ok, good. D'Argo, Aeryn, Stark, Eddie, and Julian, you're all on Team 1. Stand behind Acorna. Chiana, Zhaan, Wi-"
"Hey, wait a sec!" John interrupted. "Why can't Aeryn be on my team?"
"1 bottle of beer on the wall, 1 bottle of beer. You take it down, pass it around, no bottles of beer on the wall. Yeah! I demand to be on John's team."
"Oh, shut *up*, both of you. You think I'm stupid? I know what you'd be doing if I put you on the same team. And Aeryn, if don't wanna be doing 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall for the entire fic, you'll stop demanding stuff right now." Aeryn glared and took her place in her team while John pouted at Manda.
"Sorry Cutie," Manda said, "that won't work. Now, Chiana, Zhaan, Will, Seven, and Harry, you're on Team 2. Behind John please. Rygle, Jool, Wesley, Kai, and Oliver, behind Cade. You guys are Team 3."
"I gotta have that thing on my team?" Cade asked, pointing at Rygle as he floated over. "I don't even know him and I don't like him."
Manda growled. "Teams are *final*! It took a very complicated system to organize them, and-"
"Er, excuse me," Wesley said from his place behind Cade. "Exactly what system did you use to divide us into teams?"
"I wrote down all your names, put a number next to 'em, and then put a circle, triangle, or square around each number." Manda smiled.
"*That's* your complicated system?" Julian asked exsasperated.
"Yeah. Circle for Team 1, triangle for Team 2, and square for Team 3. Which, by the way, are, respectively, the team symbols." Manda wrote something down, and their team's shape appeared on everyone's forehead.
"Now, if at any time, for whatever reason, you need to see me, *one* person may say 'Booga booga booga,' to be transported here," Manda said, writing while she wrote. "There. Let's test it out. Oliver, go out that door and say 'Booga booga booga.'"
"Why me?" Oliver complained. "I don't trust you."
"Why you? 'Cause I said. Unless you'd rather I turned you into a toenail," Manda said evilly.
Oliver gulped and walked out of the room. A moment later, he appeared in front of Manda.
"Good," she said, writing something. "Ok, now say, 'Macaroni and cheese' and walk back in here through the door."
"Macaroni and cheese," Oliver said, and disappeared. A moment later, he walked back in the cargo bay and back to his team line.
"Cool," Manda said.
"What happens when we find the corn stalk?" Harry asked.
"Which corn stalk would that be?" Manda asked impatiently.
Harry sighed. "Must I?"
Manda nodded.
Harry sighed again. "The magickal, golden corn stalk."
"Uhhhhhh…I haven't decided yet. We'll decide that when we get to that point. Now, when I shoot this gun," a small pistol appeared in Manda's hand, "the game starts. Oh, and Captains, if any of your subordinates is causing problems, just start break dancing while shouting their name."
"Break dance?" Acorna asked.
"It's basically spinning on your head. Cade, show her."
Cade rolled his eyes and sighed, and did a short break dance routine.
Manda scribbled something down when he was finished, and everyone started clapping and cheering whether they wanted to or not. When they were done, Manda raised her gun.
"Ready?"
"NO!" everyone shouted.
"Good." She pulled the trigger and the teams ran off behind their captains.
Manda set to gun down and it disappeared. "Oh, this is going to be good," she said, smiling.
**************************************************************************** ***********************************
A/n: You like? You don't like? Which ever the case is, please review! I know this isn't the best, but it's just the beginning. I'm posting each team's (mis)adventures as a separate chapter. I still dunno who's going to win though. Put that in your review too, which team you think should get the magickal golden corn stalk. ^_^ Thanx for reading!
~ SG
Chapter One: The Beginning
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these people! I'm just borrowing them for a little while. I promise to return them when I'm done! Don't sue me, please. I only have $22 and my ring to my name, as of the writing of this. It's probably less by the time you read this! So, yeah, suing me is pointless. Plus, the fact that I already said they're not mine, so there! ^_^
Summary: What do you get when you mix one insane writer, 18 of her favorite characters from various TV shows/books/movies and a magickal, golden corn stalk? This story! Now read on!
**************************************************************************** ***********************************
John Crichton sat on the terrace, looking into the stars. Well, counting them, actually. Damn it, he was bored. They'd pretty much just been drifting for the last week and a half. No Scorpious, Crais, or just random insane people that, for no apparent reason, wanted to blow their heads off. And in their absence, boredom had over come them all.
It was a fate worse then death.
Aeryn walked in a plopped down next to John. "Seen anything exciting?"
"I'm *counting* the stars. You think I've seen anything exciting?" he grumbled.
"What number are you on?"
"Uh…" John thought for a moment. "I dunno. I kinda lost track."
Aeryn raised an eyebrow at him. "You've been counting the stars, but you've lost track?"
John shrugged and laid down. "Wake me up if anything remotely close to exciting happens."
Manda sat back and watched without anyone taking notice. She snickered evilly to herself. "Oh, just you wait Mr. Crichton. I've got some excitement for you…" She burst into a fit of, quiet, evil snickers again.
John awoke with a start as a loud thud rang out in the terrace.
"Damn it all," Manda muttered. "When I said 'The writer drops in on John and Aeryn,' I didn't mean *literally!*"
Both John and Aeryn stood up. John just blinked in Manda's general direction, while Aeryn pulled out her pulse riffle and pointed at her. "Who the *frell* are you?" she demanded.
"Wha?" Manda said distantly, picking up her infamous black notebook and blue pen. (A/n: Yes, I really do have an infamous black notebook and blue pen. Whenever someone sees me with them, they know I'm writing some of the most frightening things ever put on paper ^_^) "Oh, yeah. I am," she bowed, "the writer and, for the duration of this story, supreme queen of the universe! But just call me Manda."
Aeryn looked at Manda in disbelief. "*You're* the writer? A weak, pathetic little thing like you?"
Manda glared at Aeryn. "Oooh, Aeryn, I like you and all, but you're gonna pay for that one." She quickly wrote something down in her notebook. Aeryn suddenly threw her pulse riffle aside and began singing.
"99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall. 98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer…"
Manda giggled madly. "Call *me* weak and pathetic, will you? So, anyway," she said, ignoring Aeryn's singing, "I understand y'all have been bored lately."
"Er, yeah," John said.
A scary sort of wild look came over Manda's face. John and Aeryn looked at each other while Aeryn continued to sing. ("92 bottles of beer on the wall…") "I'm here to fix that!" Manda exclaimed. "But first…" Manda wrote something down in her infamous black notebook.
Manda, John, and Aeryn suddenly appeared in Pilot's den, along with D'Argo, Chiana (A/n: GO CHIANA!), Rygle, Jool, Stark, and Zhaan. Everyone looked around confused, but Zhaan most of all.
"Excuse me," she said, the first one to find her voice, "but what exactly am I doing here?"
"I brought you here," Manda said cheerily. "You kick ass Zhaan. You never should've died. So I brought you back."
"Oh. Ok."
"And who are *you*?" D'Argo asked angrily.
"This is Manda, the writer and supreme queen of the universe," John said. "And I wouldn't say anything bad about her," he added, pointing at Aeryn, who was on 85 bottles of beer.
Manda smiled brightly. "He's got it. Now, we got all you guys here. Next we need…" Manda wrote furiously in her infamous black notebook.
Cade Foster and Eddie Nambulous suddenly appeared in Pilot's den.
"Cool," Manda said.
"What the hell?" Cade said. He looked around from the aliens, to a human- looking guy, to a human-looking chick sing 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall, to a human-looking girl holding a notebook and grinning like an idiot.
John sighed. "This is-"
"Wait John," Manda interrupted. "We've got more coming. Cade, Eddie, just chill a second. I'll let John explain everything once I've got everyone here." She continued to write.
By the time Manda was done, Will Riker, Wesley Crusher, Julian Bashir, Seven, Kai, Acorna, Harry Potter, and Oliver Wood (A/n: from the movie!!!) had appeared in Pilot's den. Everyone looked thoroughly confused, except for Manda, who looked very pleased with herself.
"Hey Manda?" John said. "It's getting kinda crowded in here."
"Hrm…" Manda wrote in her infamous black notebook and everyone appeared in the cargo bay. "Better?" she asked?
Everyone nodded in agreement. John quickly introduced Manda, and everyone introduced themselves to everyone else.
"Good," Manda said when they were done. "So, I bet y'all are wonderin' why you're here?" she asked. Again, everyone nodded. "Ok, I'll explain.
"Farscape people; duh, this is a Farscape fic! Acorna and Harry; you're both two really, really cool adventurous-type people. Seven and Eddie; you're cool, plus you're two smart people I can carry on an intelligent conversation with. Cade, Will, Wesley, Julian, Kai, and Oliver; if you haven't noticed, you guys are insanely cute!" Manda giggled.
"So," she said, regaining her composure. "Any questions?"
"Yeah," Will said. "Is this story ever going to have a plot?"
"Plot? Oh geez, I knew I forgot something! Hmmm…" Manda stared out into space as she thought, both a loud and to herself. "Well, plot needs a conflict. But so many different types of conflict. Which to choose, which to choose?" She thought some more.
"I've got it!" she said suddenly, causing everyone to jump. She started writing while she spoke. "You must all break into teams…to retrieve…the magickal, golden…corn stalk! Yeah, magickal corn stalk." She continued to write.
"We have to get a corn stalk?" Acorna asked.
"Not just any corn stalk. A magickal gold one." She finished what she was writing. "Ok, so we need teams. 18 of you, so how 'bout 3 teams of 6?" When no one objected, she continued.
"All right. Acorna, you're the captain of Team 1. Stand there. John, you're the captain of Team 2. Stand there. Cade, captain of Team 3. Over there. Ok, good. D'Argo, Aeryn, Stark, Eddie, and Julian, you're all on Team 1. Stand behind Acorna. Chiana, Zhaan, Wi-"
"Hey, wait a sec!" John interrupted. "Why can't Aeryn be on my team?"
"1 bottle of beer on the wall, 1 bottle of beer. You take it down, pass it around, no bottles of beer on the wall. Yeah! I demand to be on John's team."
"Oh, shut *up*, both of you. You think I'm stupid? I know what you'd be doing if I put you on the same team. And Aeryn, if don't wanna be doing 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall for the entire fic, you'll stop demanding stuff right now." Aeryn glared and took her place in her team while John pouted at Manda.
"Sorry Cutie," Manda said, "that won't work. Now, Chiana, Zhaan, Will, Seven, and Harry, you're on Team 2. Behind John please. Rygle, Jool, Wesley, Kai, and Oliver, behind Cade. You guys are Team 3."
"I gotta have that thing on my team?" Cade asked, pointing at Rygle as he floated over. "I don't even know him and I don't like him."
Manda growled. "Teams are *final*! It took a very complicated system to organize them, and-"
"Er, excuse me," Wesley said from his place behind Cade. "Exactly what system did you use to divide us into teams?"
"I wrote down all your names, put a number next to 'em, and then put a circle, triangle, or square around each number." Manda smiled.
"*That's* your complicated system?" Julian asked exsasperated.
"Yeah. Circle for Team 1, triangle for Team 2, and square for Team 3. Which, by the way, are, respectively, the team symbols." Manda wrote something down, and their team's shape appeared on everyone's forehead.
"Now, if at any time, for whatever reason, you need to see me, *one* person may say 'Booga booga booga,' to be transported here," Manda said, writing while she wrote. "There. Let's test it out. Oliver, go out that door and say 'Booga booga booga.'"
"Why me?" Oliver complained. "I don't trust you."
"Why you? 'Cause I said. Unless you'd rather I turned you into a toenail," Manda said evilly.
Oliver gulped and walked out of the room. A moment later, he appeared in front of Manda.
"Good," she said, writing something. "Ok, now say, 'Macaroni and cheese' and walk back in here through the door."
"Macaroni and cheese," Oliver said, and disappeared. A moment later, he walked back in the cargo bay and back to his team line.
"Cool," Manda said.
"What happens when we find the corn stalk?" Harry asked.
"Which corn stalk would that be?" Manda asked impatiently.
Harry sighed. "Must I?"
Manda nodded.
Harry sighed again. "The magickal, golden corn stalk."
"Uhhhhhh…I haven't decided yet. We'll decide that when we get to that point. Now, when I shoot this gun," a small pistol appeared in Manda's hand, "the game starts. Oh, and Captains, if any of your subordinates is causing problems, just start break dancing while shouting their name."
"Break dance?" Acorna asked.
"It's basically spinning on your head. Cade, show her."
Cade rolled his eyes and sighed, and did a short break dance routine.
Manda scribbled something down when he was finished, and everyone started clapping and cheering whether they wanted to or not. When they were done, Manda raised her gun.
"Ready?"
"NO!" everyone shouted.
"Good." She pulled the trigger and the teams ran off behind their captains.
Manda set to gun down and it disappeared. "Oh, this is going to be good," she said, smiling.
**************************************************************************** ***********************************
A/n: You like? You don't like? Which ever the case is, please review! I know this isn't the best, but it's just the beginning. I'm posting each team's (mis)adventures as a separate chapter. I still dunno who's going to win though. Put that in your review too, which team you think should get the magickal golden corn stalk. ^_^ Thanx for reading!
~ SG