Konnichi wa! If you are about to read this, their are some things you should know:
1. This fic contains mature themes and is not sutable for children who have not taken sex ed.
2. Although I am a hardcore shounen-ai fan, this is actually completely heterosexual.
3. This fic includes mockery and over-exageration of various characters traits (i.e. Quatre's prudishness, Duo's hunger, Trowa's silence, etc.).
4. I don't own any of the Gundam Wing characters.
5. See and Chiruru are both two of my pseudoisms. They are variants of my given first name. See (short for Seeran) is Ndolo, Chiruru is Japanese.
That being said, on with the fic!
A Lesson in American Numerical Slang and German:
Duo wandered into the kitchen, hungry, as usual. After rumaging through the fridge for several minutes, he came out with a light sandwich of no more than five layers.
It was light for him, anyway.
When he settled down, he noticed a small black box on the kichen table. On it was a label written in what he recognized as See's handwriting. It said "Don't Touch" repeated in several different languages. Duo recognized English, Japanese, Arabic, French and Mandarin, as well as a few others.
"Well, well," he mused aloud, "What does See want to make so sure none of us touch?"
Then, as Duo was prone to do when extreme curiosity seized him and tried to make him endanger life and limb, he split into double personalities.
"How's See going to know? Just one look, remove fingerprints and put it back."
"That's not how it'll go. It'll be one look, another, closer look, take it out and play with it, break it, hastily put it back together, barely get it in the box before she comes home, leave greasy fingerprints that would make Quatre suspicious and get killed when she comes home."
"You hurt me to the quick. Don't you trust my discretion any more than that?"
"No."
"I am wounded. Just one look?"
"No."
"Please? Pleasepleasepleaseplease....."
"Stop."
"Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease..."
"Alright, dammit! One look!"
"Yay!"
Duo oppened the box to reveal (drum roll please) a VHS tape. Duo, having failed to remerge personalities, commented on this to himself.
"That's it. Take of the fingerprints and put it back now."
"But it's just a tape. Let's watch it!"
"No dammit! We're going to get into trouble."
"Let's see, the label says 'Lesson in American Numerical Slang and German Anime Con 2002'. Aren't you just a little curious?"
"No."
"You know you are. You're dying to know what German and American Numerical Slang have to do with the Anime Con."
"Am not. *pauses* What's American Numerical Slang?"
"Hah! You see, you are curious!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am not! Just tell me what it is!"
"I don't know. We'll have to watch the movie and find out."
"DAMMIT!!! Fine, on one condition!"
"Oh?"
"The rest of the guys have to watch it with us. Then See won't kill just us."
"Good idea! I'm surprised at you!"
"Oh shut up and go find everyone. I want to know what's on that tape."
Five minutes later...
The former pilots were all sitting on the couch, while Duo messed with the tape player, swearing fluently. Finally, he got fed up.
"Heero," he addressed the stoic soldier on the couch, "Your mission is to make ths tape player work."
"Hn." Heero stood up. "Mission Accepted." He popped the tape in the player and pressed play. The video started up instantly.
"I would have gotten there...eventually," Duo complained
"Baka," Heero muttured. He settled back down on the sofa as the tape began.
To no one's surprise, See appeared on the screen. Nothing else did, she appeared to be standing in the formless void that everyone recognized as Spandex Space, her authordom.
"Hello, hello," the video began, "Chiruru here. I was asked to comment on conventional pairings in the anime Gundam Wing. I decided to do this on video because the special effects are better here."
Behind her, a stand appeared with several boards on it. The front most had a picture of Zechs and Noin hugging.
"Now, as you may or may not know, Zechs and Noin are the only couple that actually works out in the series, yaoi or not. All the others work themselves out after, if they do at all. Yes, Kodomi, I'm trying not to be biased in the favor of shounen-ai, but dammit I live with them."
Duo and Wufei exchanged looks. they had been together for quite some time, and wondered why they thought she was "biased" in favor of shounen-ai pairings (alright, I lied. There is yaoi in this).
"Anyway, if we examine the basic profile of our devoted couple, we find that this makes an interesting kind of sense. Hang on a sec."
Behind her, the picture of Zechs and Noin puffed into oblivion, showing the next board, which showed the numbers from one to 10 in German.
"Now, I'm not sure how many of you speak German. I don't, but I know a few basic words and how to count. This is your German lesson for today."
She grinned and circled the numbers six and nine on the board.
"Who here recognizes these words? All of you should. As you can see on here, Zechs is six and Noin is nine. A wise guy once said that German sounds like English spoken with a thick German accent."
Wasn't that Treize?" Duo suddenly spoke up.
"No, it was Zechs. Une slapped him for it," Wufei commented "Weak onna, he was right. The German language is an injustice."
See continued, turning ever so slightly pink.
"Before, I was going to leave it at this an let your hentai minds do the rest. But then a wise chick pointed out that not all of you are American and quite a few of the Americans live burried in anime websites and have little contact with the outside world. Which brings us to our next subject: American Numerical Slang."
"...?"
Quatre translated for Trowa. "He said what is she talking about?"
"I haven't a clue," Heero was for perhaps the first time in his life confused.
The German board disapeared in a cloud of sparks, revealing another with a large six and nine on it. Duo began to laugh hysterically, but the rest of the guys were still mystefied.
"Ah, the American teen's favorite number, 69. If you look at this the proper way, it looks like two tadpoles with their heads pointed at eachothers tails. Because of this, it has become a euphemism for when a couple gives eachother oral sex. Yes, you heard me right."
Quatre fainted in shocka and Trowa attempted valiantly to revive him. Duo laughed even harder. Wufei snorted. And Heero....began to turn purple.
Duo noticed this. "C'mon, Hee-chan, let it out. You know you want to laugh."
Heero aceeded, laughing way, way too much. "Always new...there was...something...about....those...two!" he choked out.
"Yeah, I know." Duo shook his head, still giggling. "Trust See to ferret out that kind of information."
But the video wasn't quite done. "On a much less...dirty...note, there is another meanig for 69. If you look at it without thinking of the other *cough* thing, it looks like the Oriental Yin-Yang."
The "69" board disapeared, showing a board with a yin-yang on it.
"This represents a balance between negative and possitive, or light and dark. I'm sure you all have noticed that Zechs has very pale hair and eyes, while Noin's are much darker. Also, according to astromers, the female zodiacs are negative and the male are possitive. Thus, any truly balanced relationship will have the negative and the possitive, like a yin-yang. So the pairing between Zechs and Noin is symbolic for the perfect couple and *cough**cough* intimacy."
The board vanished behind her. "Thanks for your attention. If there are any questions, I'll come up and answer them now." The movie ended.
"Well," Heero commented, "So that's what she talks about at the anime con."
"And that's what American Numerical Slang is," Duo added.
"Yes," spoke up a new voice, which carried overtones of glaciers, "Now perhaps you will explain why you're watching that video."
"Crap! It's Se-" Duo's yell was cut off as all six people in the living room disapeared into Spandex Space to face the Seeress Iquisition. And may God have mercy on their souls >=D.
Review please! Ja ne!
1. This fic contains mature themes and is not sutable for children who have not taken sex ed.
2. Although I am a hardcore shounen-ai fan, this is actually completely heterosexual.
3. This fic includes mockery and over-exageration of various characters traits (i.e. Quatre's prudishness, Duo's hunger, Trowa's silence, etc.).
4. I don't own any of the Gundam Wing characters.
5. See and Chiruru are both two of my pseudoisms. They are variants of my given first name. See (short for Seeran) is Ndolo, Chiruru is Japanese.
That being said, on with the fic!
A Lesson in American Numerical Slang and German:
Duo wandered into the kitchen, hungry, as usual. After rumaging through the fridge for several minutes, he came out with a light sandwich of no more than five layers.
It was light for him, anyway.
When he settled down, he noticed a small black box on the kichen table. On it was a label written in what he recognized as See's handwriting. It said "Don't Touch" repeated in several different languages. Duo recognized English, Japanese, Arabic, French and Mandarin, as well as a few others.
"Well, well," he mused aloud, "What does See want to make so sure none of us touch?"
Then, as Duo was prone to do when extreme curiosity seized him and tried to make him endanger life and limb, he split into double personalities.
"How's See going to know? Just one look, remove fingerprints and put it back."
"That's not how it'll go. It'll be one look, another, closer look, take it out and play with it, break it, hastily put it back together, barely get it in the box before she comes home, leave greasy fingerprints that would make Quatre suspicious and get killed when she comes home."
"You hurt me to the quick. Don't you trust my discretion any more than that?"
"No."
"I am wounded. Just one look?"
"No."
"Please? Pleasepleasepleaseplease....."
"Stop."
"Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease..."
"Alright, dammit! One look!"
"Yay!"
Duo oppened the box to reveal (drum roll please) a VHS tape. Duo, having failed to remerge personalities, commented on this to himself.
"That's it. Take of the fingerprints and put it back now."
"But it's just a tape. Let's watch it!"
"No dammit! We're going to get into trouble."
"Let's see, the label says 'Lesson in American Numerical Slang and German Anime Con 2002'. Aren't you just a little curious?"
"No."
"You know you are. You're dying to know what German and American Numerical Slang have to do with the Anime Con."
"Am not. *pauses* What's American Numerical Slang?"
"Hah! You see, you are curious!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am not! Just tell me what it is!"
"I don't know. We'll have to watch the movie and find out."
"DAMMIT!!! Fine, on one condition!"
"Oh?"
"The rest of the guys have to watch it with us. Then See won't kill just us."
"Good idea! I'm surprised at you!"
"Oh shut up and go find everyone. I want to know what's on that tape."
Five minutes later...
The former pilots were all sitting on the couch, while Duo messed with the tape player, swearing fluently. Finally, he got fed up.
"Heero," he addressed the stoic soldier on the couch, "Your mission is to make ths tape player work."
"Hn." Heero stood up. "Mission Accepted." He popped the tape in the player and pressed play. The video started up instantly.
"I would have gotten there...eventually," Duo complained
"Baka," Heero muttured. He settled back down on the sofa as the tape began.
To no one's surprise, See appeared on the screen. Nothing else did, she appeared to be standing in the formless void that everyone recognized as Spandex Space, her authordom.
"Hello, hello," the video began, "Chiruru here. I was asked to comment on conventional pairings in the anime Gundam Wing. I decided to do this on video because the special effects are better here."
Behind her, a stand appeared with several boards on it. The front most had a picture of Zechs and Noin hugging.
"Now, as you may or may not know, Zechs and Noin are the only couple that actually works out in the series, yaoi or not. All the others work themselves out after, if they do at all. Yes, Kodomi, I'm trying not to be biased in the favor of shounen-ai, but dammit I live with them."
Duo and Wufei exchanged looks. they had been together for quite some time, and wondered why they thought she was "biased" in favor of shounen-ai pairings (alright, I lied. There is yaoi in this).
"Anyway, if we examine the basic profile of our devoted couple, we find that this makes an interesting kind of sense. Hang on a sec."
Behind her, the picture of Zechs and Noin puffed into oblivion, showing the next board, which showed the numbers from one to 10 in German.
"Now, I'm not sure how many of you speak German. I don't, but I know a few basic words and how to count. This is your German lesson for today."
She grinned and circled the numbers six and nine on the board.
"Who here recognizes these words? All of you should. As you can see on here, Zechs is six and Noin is nine. A wise guy once said that German sounds like English spoken with a thick German accent."
Wasn't that Treize?" Duo suddenly spoke up.
"No, it was Zechs. Une slapped him for it," Wufei commented "Weak onna, he was right. The German language is an injustice."
See continued, turning ever so slightly pink.
"Before, I was going to leave it at this an let your hentai minds do the rest. But then a wise chick pointed out that not all of you are American and quite a few of the Americans live burried in anime websites and have little contact with the outside world. Which brings us to our next subject: American Numerical Slang."
"...?"
Quatre translated for Trowa. "He said what is she talking about?"
"I haven't a clue," Heero was for perhaps the first time in his life confused.
The German board disapeared in a cloud of sparks, revealing another with a large six and nine on it. Duo began to laugh hysterically, but the rest of the guys were still mystefied.
"Ah, the American teen's favorite number, 69. If you look at this the proper way, it looks like two tadpoles with their heads pointed at eachothers tails. Because of this, it has become a euphemism for when a couple gives eachother oral sex. Yes, you heard me right."
Quatre fainted in shocka and Trowa attempted valiantly to revive him. Duo laughed even harder. Wufei snorted. And Heero....began to turn purple.
Duo noticed this. "C'mon, Hee-chan, let it out. You know you want to laugh."
Heero aceeded, laughing way, way too much. "Always new...there was...something...about....those...two!" he choked out.
"Yeah, I know." Duo shook his head, still giggling. "Trust See to ferret out that kind of information."
But the video wasn't quite done. "On a much less...dirty...note, there is another meanig for 69. If you look at it without thinking of the other *cough* thing, it looks like the Oriental Yin-Yang."
The "69" board disapeared, showing a board with a yin-yang on it.
"This represents a balance between negative and possitive, or light and dark. I'm sure you all have noticed that Zechs has very pale hair and eyes, while Noin's are much darker. Also, according to astromers, the female zodiacs are negative and the male are possitive. Thus, any truly balanced relationship will have the negative and the possitive, like a yin-yang. So the pairing between Zechs and Noin is symbolic for the perfect couple and *cough**cough* intimacy."
The board vanished behind her. "Thanks for your attention. If there are any questions, I'll come up and answer them now." The movie ended.
"Well," Heero commented, "So that's what she talks about at the anime con."
"And that's what American Numerical Slang is," Duo added.
"Yes," spoke up a new voice, which carried overtones of glaciers, "Now perhaps you will explain why you're watching that video."
"Crap! It's Se-" Duo's yell was cut off as all six people in the living room disapeared into Spandex Space to face the Seeress Iquisition. And may God have mercy on their souls >=D.
Review please! Ja ne!