Chapter 11 - When I'm Thinking About You
As Nikita went to Walter to get her PDA and weapons, he drew her aside. "Do you know it?"
She stared at his excited face, confused. His blue eyes got brighter and brighter, they shone and seemed to disappear in a white mist, more and more, until...
gotta help her, she's we tried to get him a month ago snow white, it's cold outside, green, a we don't know their plans we never do
Excitement Concern
is it a - Mistrust, been here too long- grey like
"The mission to get Ryan?" she asked quickly, before the images lost their sharpness and became nothing more than a faint memory, an odd dream with a bitter aftertaste. Now it was Walter's turn to look confused.
"Damn, sugar, how do you... oh. You - you read it? I mean, in my head?"
Nikita hesitated, then nodded reluctantly. It felt wrong, to read his thoughts, to see pictures only he could see, to feel his emotions; and although she couldn't control it, it did nothing to ease the guilt.
"I'm sorry. I - I don't do it deliberately, I swear."
Walter's eyes seemed to smile at her, and, just for a moment Nikita wanted to hug him. He truly was a friend.
"No problem. But what I wanted to talk about isn't about controlling your... abilites, rather, it's about getting rid of them."
At first she didn't even register what he'd said. Another whisper approached, a familiar presence, sometimes a friend, too. But then his words sunk in. "Oh." Nikita swallowed. "I mean - wow. Is that possible? I thought it wasn't."
"Never said that. Just said it would be almost impossible to get that damned serum they used on you. But now you're chasing after Ryan again and he probably developed more of this stuff. So watch out, and bring me a souvenir, okay? Wouldn't want you shuffling through my dirty thoughts any longer than absolutely necessary."
Nikita almost cried. To get rid of this 'ability', not so much a gift but a curse... she'd given up hope. She'd given up hope in the long nights in her apartment, where she was lonely and yet never alone, on the missions where she screamed silently along with the victims, in Madeline's office where she'd read thoughts but got no emotions. She wanted to dream her own dreams again. Just this one mission... but…
"There's something I need to tell you. It's important," she told Walter quietly. If her last capture had been intended, what would happen now? Was this mission just a coincidence, or a carefully laid out trap?
"We have to go."
The Presence had arrived. Michael's voice interrupted them, and as Nikita pocketed her PDA, she feared that the latter one was the case.
~~~
Nikita dreamed.
But this time... it was different. Details?
A long, dark corridor, as black as the night. (Do I really need to go there, mommy?)
Fear
(All teams, hold positions.) wanna get out of here
I'm afraid of the dark
the monsters
bambamBAM
(-so loud)
(I'm sor-) statics
I'm alone - Encore un jour se leve
Hello? Maman? Please...
Please help me I can't. I never -
(Madeline?)
Confusion
Nooooooooooooooooo-
You're the only one of us who still has a-
sur la plan-
What's that? Mustn't think of that now. Deeply buried, long forgotten never remembered and it's so dark... I
hurt
(Greg?)
Leg hurts. The monsters are always there-
I'm not will it be dark when I die? Row 8, plot 30
No. It'll be white.
Can't hear, can't see, can't smell, can't feel, can't feel, and this is hell but I always knew that
Panic
I'd die alone and I miss
I always do and the throbbing gets louder I can hear your heartbeatheartbeatheartbeat
Pain
hurt you
On the plane, a still sleeping Nikita moved in her seat and brushed against Michael's leg, ever so slightly. He looked at her still features and smiled.
The dream changed again.
I don't know you at all.
Excellent
Pain Confusion Anger Love Tenderness Hurt
I wanna get out-
hurt never do
Red. Rich crimson red, so beautiful, beautiful like blood and copper, I can smell-
-Nausea-
I thought I'd lost you.
Pain Pain PainpainpainandIwantyoubackeverydaydoyouknowIdreamofyounoofcoursenot-
It was all so loud. Noises, screams, my God the screams-
dark eyes and I could drown in them Simone But-
You have to. We have to- Do you want to marry me?
Hypocrite and I hurt you but you mustn't die - never, I
Elena and I lo- I do.
Red. It's so loud and so silent and the world is red(Help me!)
- like the blood I can never wash off and it'll always be there but her eyes are so blue but
Fear Concern Love
Love
love you and the pain's always there and never goes away - blood - can you love me?
~~~
Nikita awoke suddenly from dreams filled with blood red images and losses she'd never experienced. Michael's losses. She moaned softly, a moan of agony, sprung up from the plane seat and to the bathroom.
She'd seen everything so clearly - Simone, the petite woman who'd died to get revenge; she'd seen her, young and beautiful, and she'd seen her bloody body ripped apart by the force of the explosion. She'd seen Elena, her eyes glassy and dead, shot by him, Michael, following Section's orders. And finally herself, Nikita. In a dark room, caged like a wild panther, unable to fight, unable to defend herself against the monsters.
She'd seen so much blood.
So much red.
The tears came naturally, hot tears that stung inside her closed eyes and burned on her cheeks. Nikita heard ragged, desperate sobs but didn't recognize them as her own. Kneeling on the floor, she buried her face in her hands and cried. God she cried.
Never had a dream been this vivid. Yes, she'd felt emotions, she'd seen pictures that touched her and she'd been in pain over them, but never anything like this. She'd never smelt the blood and she'd never felt the dead flesh of a loved person beneath her fingers. So many emotions at once... Michael's emotions. He felt so much, so deeply... Nikita cried even harder as the world outside ceased to exist.
Later, much later (or had it been only minutes?), cool fingers touched her hair and gentle hands drew her close to a warm body. Not knowing whether this was a dream or not, nor caring if it wasn't, Nikita just listened to the soothing, soft words that made no sense, until she really fell asleep.
She didn't dream this time.
~~~
It was warm. The first thing Nikita noticed when she awoke was the warmth that seemed to envelop her like a blanket. Something... no, somebody was stroking her head gently in a slow rhythm that stopped when she stirred. She looked up and blinked. Michael's eyes were watching her carefully and now she became aware that she'd fallen asleep on his lap. Nikita was sure she was blushing and sat up hastily, breaking the contact between them. The room suddenly seemed colder.
"Hey."
"Hey," he said back softly, as if not daring to disturb the silence in the tiny cabin. The constant hum of the plane's engines had faded away and there was an awkward pause.
Nikita cleared her throat. "I'm... why did you...?"
"You didn't come back. I searched for you."
Yeah, as if she could run away from here.
She got up and caught a fleeting look of herself in the mirror. A pale face, tangled hair and huge, puffy eyes that hurt from dried tears. What must he think of her, finding her crying in an airplane toilet? Her attempt at a smile failed miserably.
"Listen, I just... had a bad dream and - it'll be okay, it's not going to influence the mission or anything..."
Michael still stared at her, as he remained sitting on the floor, and the picture was so riduculous that Nikita would have laughed if she'd had the energy.
"What is it, Nikita?"
"What? Oh, the dream, that was nothing interesting, really, just your usual nightmare…"
"No," he interrupted her, "No. What is bothering you? You aren't yourself anymore. You're unfocused. And you cry a lot. What is it?"
Suddenly the picture wasn't ridiculous at all. "I'm... I'm - it's all so - I can't. I can't tell you. Please, I can't tell you."
The intercom saved her. "Estimated landing in fifteen minutes. Prepare for landing."
As she left the bathroom, she whispered a quiet "Thank you."
And, but perhaps it was just her imagination, she coud hear a whisper, just as soft.
"You're welcome."
***