I got this idea from another fic called I've Never. That one was a Gundam Wing fanfic starring Wufei Chang, Sally Po, Trowa Barton, Heero Yui, Duo Maxwell, Hilde, Catherine Bloom, Dorothy Catalonia and Relena Dorlian-Peacecraft. The Gundam version was written by Jaelle and Orla, perhaps best known as the New Zelanders who wrote Magical Mystery Hibiki Tour, a Ranma 1/2 fanfic that features Ukyo and Ryoga getting together (eventually). I was trying to think of a way to make the most sane characters (discluding the parents) all together to have a humorous yet revealing scene and I also kept thinking of two Slayers fanfics that seemed close, but not quite right. One was Xelloss's game of twenty stupid questions in chapter ten of Reward by Lord Archive (Questions? Answers.) and the other was a scene in which Xelloss got the main characters to play Truth or Dare (The Slayers: Truth! A Most Dangerous Game), also by Lord Archive. Then, I've Never popped into my head, complete with the rules (though I've allowed my characters to drink less than the game calls for - a real mouthful like the China gang have been taking). I don't think I stole any of the questions from the original (except for Nabiki's starter - I think that was in there, though I don't think it was the first. Actually, I think that some of the characters kept saying places they hadn't had sex and Duo and Hilde quickly got drunk with Heero and Relena coming in well behind them, but well ahead of the others.) I'm not completely sure though, since I read it months ago and have not yet reread it. I will when I'm done with this, though, since it was pretty good.
I'VE NEVER, a Ranma 1/2 fanfic
by DENDARIN
based on I'VE NEVER, a Gundam Wing fanfic
by JAELLE and ORLA
Ranma 1/2 and all of it's characters and situations © Rumiko Takahashi, Kitty Inc., Shogakokun Entertainment, Viz Communications and a few other people none of whom are me. Used without permission.
Based on I've Never by Jaelle and Orla, used with permission.
This story is © March 2002 by Dendarin may be reproduced without specific permission as long as credit is given to the author.
"I'm sure you're all wondering why I've called you here."
"But we're not wondering how. What've you got on Kuno?"
"What makes you think you aren't the only one I blackmailed, Ranma?"
"'Cause you can't afford to pay Kuno and there's no other reason for him to be here."
"All right, you win. That doesn't mean you can go, however." Nabiki looked around at the circle of people she had gathered - her sister, Akane; Ranma, Akane's fiancé; Tatewaki Kuno, the most moronic of Akane's suitors; Ryoga, the eternally lost boy; Mousse, the blind Chinese martial artist; Shampoo, Mousse's love (though not returned) and Ranma's second fiancée; and Ukyo, Ranma's best friend as well as another of his fiancées. "Before I tell you exactly why you're here, I want to lay down some conditions. We are going to play a little game."
"Of cat and mouse."
"Saotome, if you interrupt me again that with which you were blackmailed shall be revealed." Ranma gulped and backed up slightly, waving at her to coninue. "Ground rules - if you refuse, if you break the rules, or if you try to hurt someone because of something you find out as a result of this game, your secrets are revealed - all of you. Got that?" All heads nodded.
"Good. The name of the game is I've Never. The rules are as follows: turns are taken in clockwise order. The person whose turn it is says something they've never done. Then, in the same order as turns everyone who has done that takes a drink. Size doesn't matter, but you've got to at least take a sip. If you take a drink and I know you haven't done it, or vice versa, the consequences I mentioned earlier apply. If it is your turn and you haven't done whatever it is, just say pass. Everyone got it?"
There was a chorus of "Yes"es. "Good. Here's your cups." She passed out cups, then took a bottle of sake out from behind her back. "Just sit on the floor and fill up, then I'll go first." Everyone grumbled a bit, but complied.
"Why are we doing this, anyway?" Ranma asked.
"Because I thought it could get interesting. Any more questions? No? Then I'll begin. I've never had sex. Ranma?"
"I don't know why we needed to know that. Pass." Everyone else said the same thing. "My turn? Hmmm... I've never... I've never kissed someone."
"Hold it. Ranma, you might want to say something else because we all know that's not true."
"All right, I've never kissed someone who wasn't in my family under my own power while I was aware of it."
"You kiss your relatives, Saotome?" Kuno seemed truly disgusted.
"Get your mind outa the gutter." He shuddered. "What five-year old doesn't kiss his parents good-night?"
"Oh."
Akane looked at Nabiki as if waiting for her to chastise Ranma again, but she just nodded. "Oh, come on! You can't mean he hasn't kissed one of those girls hanging off him all the time!"
"Not to my knowledge, or at least not when he wasn't under a spell of some sort. They've kissed him, but that doesn't count because he never responded, at least not positively. The only time he ever actually tried was with you and that doesn't count either because it was for a play and, besides which, he kissed a piece of tape, not you. So, drink up or pass, sis - he passed muster."
"Pass," she mumbled, as did Ryoga. Shampoo, Kuno, Mousse, Ukyo and Nabiki all took sips (actually, Mousse and Shampoo took gulps). "My turn? I've never blackmailed anyone." Ryoga passed, Shampoo sighed and took another drink, Kuno, Mousse and Ukyo passed, Nabiki drank about half her glass ("Bigger drink for the most times.") and Ranma took a modest sip.
Ryoga came next. "I've never been engaged," he said sadly. Shampoo, Ukyo, Ranma, Nabiki and Akane drank, but everyone else passed.
"When were you ever engaged, Nabiki?" Mousse asked.
"My father and Mr. Saotome decided it wasn't working out so they engaged me to Ranma for about a week before they realized it worked better with Akane and switched us back."
"Too bad it didn't stay that way. I don't think I'd have had to fight you for him."
"I didn't like it, but family honor is important to us Tendos. You would have had to fight me and you know you wouldn't have won because I don't fight the same way. You've actually got a better chance against Akane, as far as that goes."
"Well, that who we up against, so that who we deal with. Now, my turn! I never leave Asia." To no one's surprise, Ryoga drained his glass while everyone else passed.
"I've never found out where my pig-tailed girl lives." Everyone else took a drink. "Where, where is she?"
"Later, Kuno. Let's finish the game first. It's not over until at least half of us are too drunk to go on."
"I think Ukyo's been getting away with too many of these," Mousse said. "You're going to have to take this one, I'm sure. I've never fantasized about Ranma." Ukyo, as predicted, promptly half-drained her glass. Nabiki finished hers off, as well.
"What?" she asked when everyone stared at her. "He may be a jerk, but a hot guy is a hot guy."
"Well, obviously I'll be in any fantasy I have."
"Can I rephrase that to 'I've never fantasized about having sex with Ranma?'"
"Sure," Nabiki replied.
"Damn you," Ranma said and took another modest sip. At that rate he might not finish his glass if he did every single thing mentioned.
Most of the participants looked slightly ill, but Nabiki just smiled and said, "Well, I didn't actually know that, so it's a good thing you're so honest, Ranma."
"Maybe I should rethink my policy towards lying."
"Maybe." Kuno seemed more violently put off by Ranma's revalation than anyone else, likely because he did not know that Ranma had two forms. He thought the worst, while everyone else realized (correctly, btw) that he fantasized about sleeping with his cursed half. Akane seemed more put off by the question than by Ranma's answer to it, however. She looked nervously at Nabiki. "There's a difference between letting them know and letting everyone know," was all she said. Akane closed her eyes, composed herself and swallowed her whole glass, startling Ranma considerably. Nabiki was forced to remind the group of her rules when Shampoo and Ukyo tried to attack Akane and Kuno and Ryoga tried to attack Ranma. In the end only Kuno and Ryoga remained dry from that round.
"All right, if I've got to drink, you do, too." Ukyo was apparently sore at Mousse's turn, especially since it had put Ranma in a bad light. "I've never been cursed at Jusenkyo." Her grin slipped slightly as Ranma took a sip, but she realized that he was probably going to take most of the flak tonight anyway. Akane was slightly surprising, however.
"Do I count? I was cursed and it happened at Jusenkyo, even if it wasn't one of the springs."
"Yes because of the way she framed the question. Besides, weren't you cured by being put in an active spring? It cursed you to become yourself, but it still cursed you." Akane nodded and drank. Ryoga drained his glass again, hoping Akane was not looking.
Unfortunately, she was. Both he and Ranma winced as she asked, "What spring did you fall into, Ryoga?"
"Ummm... I don't have to answer that!" he said in relief. Akane pouted, but did not press the issue.
Shampoo took another swig, finishing her glass, and Kuno asked, "What is Jusenkyo?"
"If you have to ask, you can pass. If you want to know, splash that tall guy with the scaly vest with cold water next time he comes by. Mousse?" He drank. "All right, let me see... I've never been drunk, though that might change tonight if you guys say the right things."
"It was Happosai's fault, but yes." Ranma sipped.
"What, did he tie you up and force the liquor down your throat?" Ryoga sneered.
"No, I wasn't tied down. Akane and Nabiki can vouch that I'd have rather used the bottles to bash over Happosai's head at the time." They both nodded. Akane and Ryoga passed, but no one else did. "I've never... I want a clean round - I've never been married." Everyone passed, though everyone except Nabiki, Ryoga and Kuno seemed somewhat melancholy.
"Well, I've never missed a year of school." Ryoga, Shampoo, Mousse, Ukyo and Ranma all drank.
Ryoga grinned evilly. "I've never had a period." Everyone seemed confused as the boys passed and the girls drank. His motive was revealed when Ranma grumbled under his breath and sipped.
"When did you ever get stuck for a month as a girl, Ranma-honey?" Ukyo asked as Kuno looked even sicker.
"A month once, which was largely Shampoo's fault," he glared at said Amazon, who had the grace to blush, "and a half a month once when Herb got me with the Chisuiton. Apparently the cycle starts at the beginning every time I change."
"So," Nabiki murmured, "if you wanted to get pregnant the best time would be two days after you changed."
"Don't even think of that!" Ranma, Akane, Shampoo and Ukyo all yelled at once.
"Just speculating."
"Well, Shampoo never died."
"I'm not sure I can count that, Shampoo. After all, that's kinda obvious. Otherwise you wouldn't be here."
"Let her." Ranma said. He took one of his customary sips while Akane polished off her glass.
"Ahh, when did either of you die?"
"I don't want to talk about it," they answered simultaneously. "We both did and let's leave it at that," Ranma continued. Kuno looked much the worse for wear as culminating confusion battled with disgust for some of Ranma's answers, and he could hardly think of something to say when his turn came up.
"I have never lost a fight to Saotome."
"Unless you mean one of Ranma's parents, you'd better change the word 'lost' to 'won.' I don't care how rose-colored your glasses are, Kuno, you've never beaten Ranma in a fair fight. Come to think of it, you've only beaten him in an unfair fight twice and you've fought him in unfair fights a lot more often than that."
"How dare you accuse me of lying. Or of cheating."
"Because it's true. The only times you ever beat Ranma in a fight are when Happosai took his strength away and when you wished to do so on that magic sword of yours. Say something else before your secret comes out."
"All right," he growled, "I have never lost a woman to Saotome."
"Fair enough. You've got to have the woman in the first place to lose her. That goes for you, too Mousse. This round appears to be a freebie."
"Not quite." Ranma took another sip. "I think it counts if I lost a woman to my own stupidity, doesn't it?"
"I think you're right. Anyway, it's Mousse's turn."
"I've never been unarmed without being completely and totally naked."
"Maybe you shouldn't have said it quite that way, I think you're making Kuno more sick than he already is with the visual. Bottoms up." Only Ranma passed.
"I don't think we should trust you on that one, Ranma. Your body doesn't count."
"It doesn't have to." Suddenly he was juggling enough knives and shuriken that Akane and Nabiki both backed up. "I'm not exactly Mousse, but Anything Goes means just that - anything goes. When you're in a school like that it pays to learn how to conceal weapons well. I can't hide meathooks behind my ears like ducky over there, but I am perfectly capable of keeping a couple of knives in my underwear. Why do you think I wear boxers? And don't try to say you didn't know I did because everyone here who hasn't tried to peek at me in my underwear has tried to ambush me in my bed. Or both."
Nabiki grinned. "Too true. Another reason to keep those around, too. Do you mind putting those away before you take another drink?" His hands were empty in under a second. From the way he was grinning Nabiki began to worry if perhaps even the small amount he had imbibed that night was too much.
"Right, right, my turn! I've never drunk this much before in my life," Ukyo giggled. Only Akane and Nabiki passed. Everyone except Nabiki and Kuno, who had done the least things mentioned, and Ranma who was the only one being careful in the amount he drank was beginning to look a bit flushed.
"I've never killed another person."
"I'm not sure if I count."
"Why not?"
"Well, Saffron was intelligent, but he wasn't actually human. Besides, I didn't know he was immortal at the time. He was reborn, but I didn't know he would be, so at the time I knew I was killing him even though I found out later that I hadn't." Kuno looked even more confused. He apparently got enough from that to know that Ranma had attempted homocide at some point in his life, though, and saved the information for a time when Nabiki would not be holding such rules over him.
"Yeah, good enough. He was sentient and he did die. You said he was reborn - wouldn't he have to die first for that?" Ranma sighed and sipped. No one else followed.
"I've never cheated at cards." Akane blushed and drank. "Ha, I knew I wasn't that bad!"
"Actually, I've never cheated against you. And that doesn't count because it's not my turn yet."
"Arrgh!"
"We no play cards."
"Cards, such a plebian passtime."
"Meaning 'yes?'"
"Yes." Mousse passed for the same reason as Shampoo, Ukyo passed and Nabiki sculled her glass.
"Nowww, I've never lost a fight to a real martial artist." A roar of protest followed this statement, but Ranma backed her up, surprisingly enough.
"Well, she hasn't fought anyone really good except me and Kuno. She hasn't lost to Kuno yet and she's technically beaten me every time. I dodge, she gets angry, I try to tease her and she knocks me out of bounds while I'm not concentrating on the actual fight. Unblemished record." He then proceeded to take his drink. Everyone else except Nabiki drank.
"The only person who ever beat me was Akane and she wasn't a real martial artist yet."
Ryoga thought for a while before saying, "I never ran from a cat." Shampoo passed, but Nabiki coldly informed Kuno that Ranma essentially was a cat while in Nekoken and that if he had not run he would most likely not be alive today. He thought it best not to argue with that one. Nabiki, Akane and Ranma also drank.
"Me never drink so much!"
"Been done already."
"But that when we drink less. Besides, just comment, not turn. Shampoo never... Shampoo never date bokken boy!"
"That's you, Kuno-chan, in case you didn't know. I think I'll count our numerous business lunches. Cheers." Ranma, grumbling and making choking noises, finally finished his first glass.
"Now I know that is not true! What are you holding over Saotome's head, Nabiki, for he has just proven that he is not worthy of your holding his trust."
"Unfortunately for you, he is absolutely correct. He didn't want to, but you made a wish so it was going to happen one way or another. He decided to do it on his terms instead of waiting until the wish forced him to do it and did not let him keep any rights. Now, shut up and we'll continue." Events continued in such a fashion for quite some time. While they were still capable, the others made a game out of thinking of things related to Ranma's curse that would make Kuno disgusted. He was the first out of the game simply due to the large gulps he took on his turn just to cushion himself from the thought that Saotome rubbed his chest when masturbating and that he had fantasies about having sex with himself. Shampoo and Mousse were not far behind, owing to the fact that they had been drinking heavily all along. Now it was down to a slightly tipsy Nabiki, a slightly more tipsy Akane, a drunk Ukyo, and a nearly-sober Ranma and Ryoga.
"I've never included Ukyo in a sexual fantasy," Nabiki said slowly.
"Pass."
"Oh, come on! Don't tell me-"
"Ran-chan, don't be ridiculous!"
"But I haven't. If I didn't lie about having fantasies about my other side, you don't think I'd lie about something like this, do you?"
"Well-"
"I can't read minds. Just let him get away with it. We got him on enough technicalities early on anyway."
Ukyo and Akane subsided, grumbling. They also each took a slug. Ranma, Nabiki and Ryoga all looked at them askance. "It's the phrasing. I'm in every fantasy I have. However..." Now Ukyo's gaze also rested on Akane.
"It's not like it was just the two of us!" she blurted out. "I was just wondering what it would be like if we shared- ah..."
"Good enough." Ryoga took a discreet sip, but only one person noticed. He flushed at Ranma's raised eyebrow. "I've never had any fantasies including Nabiki." Only Akane and Nabiki drank. "Sharing again?" Ranma inquired. Akane flushed, but nodded.
"Alright, my turn! I've never had a fantasy including Ryoga." Ryoga looked disappointed even as he took his sip. Ukyo and Nabiki also drank.
"My reason from Ranma still applies."
"Yeah, a hot guy is a hot guy, regardless of who he is."
"Oh, it's my turn now. Maybe we can get off the fantasies for a while. Well, I've never... shot a person."
"If you're going to be giving out freebies like that, Ryoga, I think we were better off with the fantasies," Nabiki said.
"Oh, me next!" a drunken Ukyo announced. "I've never written a poem!"
"That was kinda dumb," Nabiki muttered, "considering present company."
"I'll take that as a pass." Ranma took a sip. "Hey, she never said it had to be a good poem." Akane and Ryoga also both drank.
"Back to me again? I've never lied."
"You?"
"She's told part-truths, but I don't think she's ever lied," Ranma pointed out before taking a sip. No one else was excluded this round. "All right, I've never told the person I love that I love them on purpose." Akane and Ryoga passed, but Ukyo drained her glass and promptly passed out.
"Well," said Nabiki, "she remained remarkably coherent to the end. Pass."
"I've never kissed the person I love," Akane whispered. Everyone passed.
"I've never played this game before." Nabiki took another drink, but the others passed once again.
"I've never been suicidally depressed." Ranma took his customary sip, Akane looked at him speculatively before passing and Ryoga drained his glass again.
"I've never been a species other than human." Ryoga drank again while Akane tried to figure out just what he turned into.
"I've never... We're running out of things here! I've never... thrown a ki blast." Ranma and Ryoga both drank.
"Well, I ne'r tol' 'Kane I luv 'er," Ryoga slurred, having been hit hard by the last few rounds. Ranma sipped again, explaining that he'd thought it was someone else whom he was trying to embarrass. Since Akane and Nabiki both recalled the incident, they reassured Ryoga and the pig-tailed boy was emancipated.
"I've never been to Jusenkyo." Ryoga drained another glass, then announced that he was going to go off in a corner to sleep before he passed out. Ranma and Akane both took cautious sips. "So, it's down to just us three. Do you want to continue, or have you had enough for one night?"
"I could give it a shot," Ranma replied. Akane looked around at her ex-opponents and nodded. Within four rounds of financial "I've Never"s, Nabiki had gone from tipsy to drunk, while Akane was still in control of most of her faculties and Ranma was only a little fuzzy. She managed to stay awake for Ranma's last round, though by then she could not understand what he was talking about: "I've never told Akane how I really feel about her."
"I'll drink ta that!" Nabiki yelled.
"And how d'ya feel?"
"I- ah hell, now's as good a time as any. I love you Akane."
"Oh, Ranma, I've only been waiting for you to say it first. I love you, too..."
**********
The next morning, no one was in good enough shape to notice that Ranma and Akane had fallen asleep with their arms around each other. They simply woke up whenever and wandered home in search of their families' favorite hangover cures. The couple woke up before Nabiki, but she did not mind. After all, what else were cassette recorders for? She knew that they must have done or said something last night. Admittedly, they did not get quite as drunk as she'd hoped, but they should have been ossified enough to let something slip. She pressed the play button as eagerly as someone with the kind of hangover she had could and waited for the game to start.
But, instead of her own voice initiating the game, she heard Ranma's. "Fun game, Nabiki. Maybe we should try it again sometime. In the meantime, if you want to hear one of us slip, you're gonna have to be more subtle than that. I could see the outline of the recorder in your pocket, for gods' sake! Oh, well. Be happy I didn't destroy any equipment. Oh, and I hid all the ingredients to your dad's hangover cure, just for you. Nice to know that now you can't say 'I've never been duped by Ranma.' Goodnight!"