A/N: Yes, this is a parody. Yes, it is meant to be rude. So there.
Disclaimer: Not mine. I just tortured them!
The Scarlett To His Ashley
Hermione placed down her copy of Hogwarts, A History, and turned her attention to Lavender and Parvati, who were discussing the probability of any students marrying their current significant others. Parvati was insisting that, yes, she and Seamus would one day be married... He just didn't know it yet.
The two noticed Hermione's stare. "What?" asked Lavender wearily. She knew how Hermione could get about the topic of boys. ("There are more important things in life than boys," she usually said. "Like studying and sleeping and looking both ways before crossing the street.")
"Well... I was thinking," Hermione started before Parvati let out an audible groan. "I was thinking... Well, do you think I'd be better off with Ron or Harry?"
Clearly, this was not what the other two had been expecting. Lavender sat, slackjawed, and Parvati was paused mid-way to her toenails with her nailcolour. "Uh, well..."
"That is..."
"Neither," said Paravati finally.
"Oh, so... Who do you think then?"
"Well..." She glanced at Lavender. "No one."
"No one? Why ever not?"
"You're just not the romantic type, that's all. You have your priorities in different places than other seventeen year olds," explained Lavender.
"Isn't everyone thinking about their careers?" asked Hermione innocently.
"No. Everyone is thinking about finding a life partner." She looked to Parvati with a look that clearly read 'let's get out of here before she starts lecturing.' Catching on, Parvati mumbled something about having to meet Padma and Lavender having to come with her before the two dashed out of the room.
Now alone, Hermione began to consider this. [i]Hmmm... Maybe I do need a life partner. But who? Harry? Ron? Viktor? Perhaps even Draco... He's definatly got the looks... Oh, and Snape has the intelect I'm looking for... I think I need to make a list.[/i] Grabbing a quill and parchment from the stash on her bedtable, she began to write. Her lists looked like this:
RONALD WEASLEY:
Pros:
-Redhead (=good in bed)
-Funny
-Big feet
Cons:
-Arrogant
-Hotheaded
-the jealous type
VIKTOR KRUM:
Pros:
-Athletic
-Doesn't speak fluent English
Cons:
-Can't say my name
-Doesn't speak fluent English
-Stupid
DRACO MALFOY:
Pros:
-Bad
-Cocky
-Good-looking
-Intelligent
-A Perfect
Cons:
-Death Eater in the works
-Cocky
-Against Muggle-borns
SEVERUS SNAPE:
Pros:
-Intellectual
-Sexy
Cons:
-Has bathing issues
LORD VOLDEMORT:
Pros:
-Powerful
-Tall
Cons:
-Wants to kill my best friend
-Wants to kill me
HARRY POTTER:
Pros:
-Knows the answer to 763.4529 x 431845.81304 without thinking
-My best friend
Cons:
-Risks losing his life on a daily basis
-Glasses
-Messy hair
-Terrible fashion sense
*Well, that settles it,* she thought to herself. *According to my calculations, I should become life partners with Harry because he can do simple multiplication such as 763.4529 x 431945.81304 in his head. He's so logical.*
MEANWHILE...
"Ron?"
A grunt. Harry took that to mean 'what?'
"I think I should become life partners with Hermione."
"WHAT? WHY?"
"Well, she's intellectually stimulating. We could have ever-so facinating debates about the Theory of Relativity and the probability of the United States getting a President that doesn't have sexual relations with the interns..."
"Oh yeah, what a way to get in the mood," commented Ron dryly. "So? What are you going to do about it?"
"Well, first I have to decide where to take her on our first date. The coordinates of latitude and longitude must coinside in a positive way, along with the wind speed and likelyhood of a blizzard occuring..."
"Harry. It's June. We're not in Antartica. I don't think you have to worry about a blizzard."
"Always be prepared, Ronald," said Harry calmly, pushing his glasses (which now possessed cellotape around the center) up the bridge of his nose. "One can never be too careful. Now, as I was saying. In addition to those factors, I must also take into concideration the possition of Neptune and Uranus."
"Shouldn't you worry about *her* anus?"
"Ronald, your childish jokes are not amusing."
"Oh, and discussing the Theory of Relativity is?"
"Why, yes, indeed. You should try it sometime, Ronald."
"STOP CALLING ME RONALD!"
"My friend, have you ever concidered anger management? I'm sure Professor Trelawney could help you."
Letting out a strangled cry, Ron ran from the Common Room. Harry began once again to contemplate the coordinates and factors affecting his possible date with Hermione when she came down the stairs.
Walking over to where Harry sat, Hermione smiled at him. He glanced around nervously with a 'who, me?' look upon his face. She sat down next to him and said, "Harry, we need to discuss something."
"Oh? And what might that be, Hermione?"
"Well, I believe that we should become life partners. I think it would be ever so exciting. We could discuss the Theory of Relativity and the probability of the United States getting a President that doesn't have sexual relations with the interns..."
"Oh, Hermione, you are a clever witch. I was thinking precicely the same thoughts. How I desired to communicate these very ideas with you! I was simply waiting until I had our first date planned. I was hoping to impress you with my calculations, such as the coordinates of latitude and longitude and the alignment of Neptune and Uranus."
"Well, I can assist you in your research. Come, let's head to the library while the wind chill in the corridors is sufficiently low as we do not want to come in contact with a flu virus."
"Why, I believe that is a simply splenid idea. We shall be great life partners, do you not agree? We can be just like Scarlett and Ashley *should* have been in Gone With The Wind. I have always craved a woman to be the Scarlett to my Ashley..."
Disclaimer: Not mine. I just tortured them!
The Scarlett To His Ashley
Hermione placed down her copy of Hogwarts, A History, and turned her attention to Lavender and Parvati, who were discussing the probability of any students marrying their current significant others. Parvati was insisting that, yes, she and Seamus would one day be married... He just didn't know it yet.
The two noticed Hermione's stare. "What?" asked Lavender wearily. She knew how Hermione could get about the topic of boys. ("There are more important things in life than boys," she usually said. "Like studying and sleeping and looking both ways before crossing the street.")
"Well... I was thinking," Hermione started before Parvati let out an audible groan. "I was thinking... Well, do you think I'd be better off with Ron or Harry?"
Clearly, this was not what the other two had been expecting. Lavender sat, slackjawed, and Parvati was paused mid-way to her toenails with her nailcolour. "Uh, well..."
"That is..."
"Neither," said Paravati finally.
"Oh, so... Who do you think then?"
"Well..." She glanced at Lavender. "No one."
"No one? Why ever not?"
"You're just not the romantic type, that's all. You have your priorities in different places than other seventeen year olds," explained Lavender.
"Isn't everyone thinking about their careers?" asked Hermione innocently.
"No. Everyone is thinking about finding a life partner." She looked to Parvati with a look that clearly read 'let's get out of here before she starts lecturing.' Catching on, Parvati mumbled something about having to meet Padma and Lavender having to come with her before the two dashed out of the room.
Now alone, Hermione began to consider this. [i]Hmmm... Maybe I do need a life partner. But who? Harry? Ron? Viktor? Perhaps even Draco... He's definatly got the looks... Oh, and Snape has the intelect I'm looking for... I think I need to make a list.[/i] Grabbing a quill and parchment from the stash on her bedtable, she began to write. Her lists looked like this:
RONALD WEASLEY:
Pros:
-Redhead (=good in bed)
-Funny
-Big feet
Cons:
-Arrogant
-Hotheaded
-the jealous type
VIKTOR KRUM:
Pros:
-Athletic
-Doesn't speak fluent English
Cons:
-Can't say my name
-Doesn't speak fluent English
-Stupid
DRACO MALFOY:
Pros:
-Bad
-Cocky
-Good-looking
-Intelligent
-A Perfect
Cons:
-Death Eater in the works
-Cocky
-Against Muggle-borns
SEVERUS SNAPE:
Pros:
-Intellectual
-Sexy
Cons:
-Has bathing issues
LORD VOLDEMORT:
Pros:
-Powerful
-Tall
Cons:
-Wants to kill my best friend
-Wants to kill me
HARRY POTTER:
Pros:
-Knows the answer to 763.4529 x 431845.81304 without thinking
-My best friend
Cons:
-Risks losing his life on a daily basis
-Glasses
-Messy hair
-Terrible fashion sense
*Well, that settles it,* she thought to herself. *According to my calculations, I should become life partners with Harry because he can do simple multiplication such as 763.4529 x 431945.81304 in his head. He's so logical.*
MEANWHILE...
"Ron?"
A grunt. Harry took that to mean 'what?'
"I think I should become life partners with Hermione."
"WHAT? WHY?"
"Well, she's intellectually stimulating. We could have ever-so facinating debates about the Theory of Relativity and the probability of the United States getting a President that doesn't have sexual relations with the interns..."
"Oh yeah, what a way to get in the mood," commented Ron dryly. "So? What are you going to do about it?"
"Well, first I have to decide where to take her on our first date. The coordinates of latitude and longitude must coinside in a positive way, along with the wind speed and likelyhood of a blizzard occuring..."
"Harry. It's June. We're not in Antartica. I don't think you have to worry about a blizzard."
"Always be prepared, Ronald," said Harry calmly, pushing his glasses (which now possessed cellotape around the center) up the bridge of his nose. "One can never be too careful. Now, as I was saying. In addition to those factors, I must also take into concideration the possition of Neptune and Uranus."
"Shouldn't you worry about *her* anus?"
"Ronald, your childish jokes are not amusing."
"Oh, and discussing the Theory of Relativity is?"
"Why, yes, indeed. You should try it sometime, Ronald."
"STOP CALLING ME RONALD!"
"My friend, have you ever concidered anger management? I'm sure Professor Trelawney could help you."
Letting out a strangled cry, Ron ran from the Common Room. Harry began once again to contemplate the coordinates and factors affecting his possible date with Hermione when she came down the stairs.
Walking over to where Harry sat, Hermione smiled at him. He glanced around nervously with a 'who, me?' look upon his face. She sat down next to him and said, "Harry, we need to discuss something."
"Oh? And what might that be, Hermione?"
"Well, I believe that we should become life partners. I think it would be ever so exciting. We could discuss the Theory of Relativity and the probability of the United States getting a President that doesn't have sexual relations with the interns..."
"Oh, Hermione, you are a clever witch. I was thinking precicely the same thoughts. How I desired to communicate these very ideas with you! I was simply waiting until I had our first date planned. I was hoping to impress you with my calculations, such as the coordinates of latitude and longitude and the alignment of Neptune and Uranus."
"Well, I can assist you in your research. Come, let's head to the library while the wind chill in the corridors is sufficiently low as we do not want to come in contact with a flu virus."
"Why, I believe that is a simply splenid idea. We shall be great life partners, do you not agree? We can be just like Scarlett and Ashley *should* have been in Gone With The Wind. I have always craved a woman to be the Scarlett to my Ashley..."