Eternal SailorM (Omi)
I've said it before: this has been the weirdest week of my life. But beyond a shadow of a doubt, this has been the most bizarre twenty-four hours I've ever lived through. Really I'm a bit surprised I'm coming out of them with most of what remains of my sanity intact.
Let's see... it's been a day since my conversation with Balinese, if you would call it a conversation. Schu would probably call it something along the lines of an angst fest - and he'd probably be right.
I started out this day in this same hotel room, and it seems I'll end it here too. I like how I'm going to sleep better than how I woke up. I've been alone my entire existence, excepting my very limited time with Abyssinian; I should be more than used to it. But now... now I've gotten used to sleeping with Schuldig's arms around me... to feeling wanted as something more than a weapon.
If I'm completely honest with myself, I'll admit that a weapon is all I ever was during my time with Weiss and Kritiker. I did what I was told and killed who I was told to kill and threw my conscience on the back burner; after all, they were the "dark beasts" and I was the White Hunter, rushing in to save the day and protect the innocents, innocents like Omi. I thought of myself as just the worst parts of him: the murderer, the masochist, even the bully. I existed only to do the things he couldn't, kill the people he couldn't, take the pain he couldn't. But I see now I can be my own person and live my own life. My time around Schwarz has shown me that if nothing else.
Many lovers will promise a whole new world. There aren't that many who can actually deliver it. Lovers... I do but wish...
*sigh*
I don't know if Schu thinks I'm too busy worrying to be observant or just blind. The walk here hurt him, hurt him badly. If I'd been thinking, instead of being the idiot that I am, I'd have called a cab rather than letting him walk. After all, two people riding in a taxi are hardly worth noticing; a Japanese boy who, let's face, looks maybe twelve on a good day and a tall gaijin man stumbling through the streets, on the other hand...
You would think I've forgotten all about my time being the brains of Weiss.
On some level, I suppose I'm out of my usual sphere of knowledge with Schwarz - or maybe out of my league is a better way to put it. We always knew Schwarz was better than Weiss, and I'm beginning to see why.
Hell, I remember when we went up against the leaders of Estet, watching Sakura pull the trigger on Abyssinian, seeing everything that could go wrong do just that. I remember how much I hated Schwarz then, how much I wanted to kill them all. I suspected at the time I wouldn't live through the fight, but I so badly wanted to take at least one of them with me.
And as I felt the floor give way beneath my feet and nothing but open space and the ocean far far below rushing up to meet me, I remember feeling a slim arm wrap around my waist, being held and protected from the falling blocks of cement and rock - by Prodigy. Was it Schwarz saving Weiss, or was it just one boy saving another? If Omi's survival hadn't been my primary goal instead of revenge for Ouka, I would have put a dart through his eye right then and there.
I'm glad now I didn't.
But that's enough thinking for tonight. If Schu's still awake, I've got to be driving him crazy.
But... what if Balinese was right? What if this is all my fault?
13 March 2002
This'll take place before the game and also prior to Schuldig's fic "Shades of Grey".