CHAPTER 2: LONG COOL SOCCER BALL IN A RED THONG
Jerry woke up with a very bad headache. And a lot of rubble on top of him.
"Oh, no, the apocalypse!" Jerry discovered, upon standing up and seeing nothing but rubble and a sign saying "Deposit all trash in your Mom's ass, but give me the okrah flavored acid strips."
"It's armageddon, you idiot," Spokes corrected, coming out of some rubble beside him. "Actually, there's no difference between the two, but if we call it armageddon, it's a reference to one of the hollywoodized films you produced."
"So is everyone dead but us?" Jerry asked. "How did this happen?" Jerry suddenly noticed the burnt head of Josh Harnett lying beside him. He picked it up.
"Nooooo! Why, Josh, why?"
"Why what? I didn't do anything."
"Agh!" Jerry dropped the now talking head of Josh Harnett.
"You chopped off my head. Spokes doused me in liquid rubber and sent me careening into the atmosphere only to bounce down and blow up the entire world. I did nothing!"
"Stop talking, Josh. You're a severed head. You're not supposed to be able to talk."
"Why not? I'm an alien, remember? All my organs are in my head, anyway. Heart, lungs, liver, everything except my spleen and intestines. Which reminds me." Josh threw up urine and crap all over Jerry's shoes.
"The hell is your problem?" Jerry kicked Josh's head several yards away.
"Don't kick Josh just because he spewed feces over your shoes," Spokes requested. "After all, though his head may be chopped off, he's still a human being."
"No he's not! He just said he was an alien!"
"Speaking of which," Josh interrupted. "Where's my red thong?"
"I would imagine it's still on Jupiter," Jerry replied. "Do you want to go get it?"
"Yes, please!"
"I don't see what good it would do you," Spokes pointed out. "Unless you wore it on your head."
"Quiet, you!" Jerry requested. "You're not supposed to be able to talk, anyway! You're a dog! If the man wants to—well, he's an alien, but if he wants to get his thong, he'll get his thong!"
Before Spokes could object, they all piled into the same spaceship Jerry had used in the previous chapter to get to Jupiter. Yes, the very one that had never been mentioned.
At Josh Harnett's house on Jupiter…
"Gosh, I can't wait to see the rest of my now decomposing body!" Josh anticipated eagerly with glee as Jerry opened the door. But there was someone already in the house…Ben Affleck!
For those of you who are not acquainted with him, Ben is a fairly small creature who looks an awful lot like a soccer ball with hands, except instead of being black and white, he's orange and red. He has the ability to shoot orange juice and apple juice out of his different colored "pores," but his apple juice pores are on the fritz lately, because he's been consuming vast amounts of cocaine.
"What are you doing here?" Jerry shouted.
"I'm illegally residing here," replied Ben. "Long enough for me to get this!" Ben pulled out from under him a red thong.
"Oh boy," Josh said, sweat emitting from his alien pores. "That's pretty bad."
Jerry looked at Josh, then at Ben. "Is there something I'm missing?" Josh looked even more worried when Ben put the thong on, and proceeded to scream "Feel the wrath of THE THONG OF THE DAMNED!" Ben shot a fireball at Jerry, which he barely dodged, but it hit a curtain, catching the curtain on fire.
"The red thong must have magical powers!" Spokes pointed out. "And to think, all this time I thought Josh was just some psychotic alien transvestite!"
"And now, to add fuel to the fire…" Ben fired huge blobs of orange juice at the fire, making it grow to engulf the entire house.
"Wait a minute, since when was Orange Juice flammable?" Spokes asked.
"Not now, Spokes!" Jerry responded. "Haha, Ben, you may have screwed us, but you have screwed yourself in the process! How will you get out?"
"Simple! Forcefield!" A forcefield surrounded Ben as he rolled to the door, apparently not affected by the flames. "See you in hell!" He exited the house. Meanwhile, parts of the ceiling were coming down on everyone.
"This is not good," Jerry pointed out.
"No kidding, this isn't even a first for me," Josh added.
"Wait a minute," Spokes suddenly started thinking, mouthing complicated calculations in his head. "kidding…even…a…I've got it!"
"Got what? You're just saying random words from the sentence Josh just said!"
But Spokes was already running to Josh's refrigerator. "There's a famous joke, one few have heard. What did the penguin say when he jumped off the roof?"
"Uh, goodbye cruel world?" Jerry asked.
"What? No! He said…ORANGE JUICE!"
Jerry and Josh stared blankly at Spokes.
"Jesus, are you people that stupid?" Spokes pulled a penguin out of the refrigerator. "What happens when a penguin says orange juice?"
"Penguins can't talk, Spokes," Josh pointed out. "And anyways, you're not using that penguin to put out the fire! He's my dinner!"
"He'll be fine, but there's no way you're eating him!" Spokes proceeded to place the penguin on top of the refrigerator. "You guys really don't know what I'm talking about? Oh, well. Okay, Penguin, jump!"
The Penguin jumped off the refrigerator, but as he jumped off he said, in a voice much like Gilbert Godfrey's, "Orange Juice!"
And all of a sudden all the orange juice fueling the fire around flew up into the air and into the penguin's mouth. Without the orange juice, the fire dissipated.
"Now that's some damn quality orange juice!" the Penguin stated, licking his beak.
"We're saved!" Jerry happily pranced around the house until parts of the ceiling continued to collapse.
"Maybe we should get out of here," Josh pointed out.
"Good idea," Spokes added.
And so they exited the house, moments before it collapsed in a heap of rubble.
"So what's your name?" Spokes asked the penguin.
"Baldwin. Alec Baldwin."
"Well, it's great and all that we're alive," Jerry pointed out. "But what now? The whole world has been destroyed. And what's so important about that red thong, anyway?"
"You mean you don't know?" Josh asked. "In 5,000,000 B.C., the world was run by the evil Caveman Bebagabotsisticationalismazexq. He ruled the world because he had magical powers that far outdid the crappy clubs that everyone else used to fight. His wife, known as Tina, who had no magical powers but very large breasts, asked for a magical item that would give her more power than her husband. Bebagabotsisticational-ismazexq, who could not yield to her large breasts, produced a red thong, capable of yielding powers greater than his. She placed this thong on, and was instantly more powerful than her husband, so she killed him. With this thong on, she could do virtually anything, including live forever. Some say she's still around today."
"And all this time, you were wearing this thong?" Jerry asked. "I would have thought you could stop me from chopping off your head."
"Well Jesus, I didn't actually believe this story. I mean, I found the damn thing in a thrift store for 30 cents. Why should I believe it has magical powers? I only realized it did when Ben used it to start the fire."
"So we have to stop Ben before he takes over the world," Jerry stated. "But where would he go? There's nothing left of the world."
"That is where I'm afraid you're wrong, Mr. Bruckheimer. There is a city underwater, that was most likely untouched by my flaming head. It is called…"
"Atlantis?" Spokes asked.
"What? Hell no! It's called Teegeeack."
"Wait a minute…that's what Earth was called 75 million years ago, when Xenu ruled over it!"
"That's the thing, Jerry…the whole colony consists of Scientologists, except for about ten people, who live in the 'raw meat' sector."
"Wait a minute! Xenu, raw meat, what are you guys talking about?"
"Oh, Spokes, you have a lot to learn." Josh cleared his throat, or what was left of it. "First off, raw meat are what Scientologists call non- Scientologists. As for Xenu, well, 75 million years ago…"
Jerry woke up with a very bad headache. And a lot of rubble on top of him.
"Oh, no, the apocalypse!" Jerry discovered, upon standing up and seeing nothing but rubble and a sign saying "Deposit all trash in your Mom's ass, but give me the okrah flavored acid strips."
"It's armageddon, you idiot," Spokes corrected, coming out of some rubble beside him. "Actually, there's no difference between the two, but if we call it armageddon, it's a reference to one of the hollywoodized films you produced."
"So is everyone dead but us?" Jerry asked. "How did this happen?" Jerry suddenly noticed the burnt head of Josh Harnett lying beside him. He picked it up.
"Nooooo! Why, Josh, why?"
"Why what? I didn't do anything."
"Agh!" Jerry dropped the now talking head of Josh Harnett.
"You chopped off my head. Spokes doused me in liquid rubber and sent me careening into the atmosphere only to bounce down and blow up the entire world. I did nothing!"
"Stop talking, Josh. You're a severed head. You're not supposed to be able to talk."
"Why not? I'm an alien, remember? All my organs are in my head, anyway. Heart, lungs, liver, everything except my spleen and intestines. Which reminds me." Josh threw up urine and crap all over Jerry's shoes.
"The hell is your problem?" Jerry kicked Josh's head several yards away.
"Don't kick Josh just because he spewed feces over your shoes," Spokes requested. "After all, though his head may be chopped off, he's still a human being."
"No he's not! He just said he was an alien!"
"Speaking of which," Josh interrupted. "Where's my red thong?"
"I would imagine it's still on Jupiter," Jerry replied. "Do you want to go get it?"
"Yes, please!"
"I don't see what good it would do you," Spokes pointed out. "Unless you wore it on your head."
"Quiet, you!" Jerry requested. "You're not supposed to be able to talk, anyway! You're a dog! If the man wants to—well, he's an alien, but if he wants to get his thong, he'll get his thong!"
Before Spokes could object, they all piled into the same spaceship Jerry had used in the previous chapter to get to Jupiter. Yes, the very one that had never been mentioned.
At Josh Harnett's house on Jupiter…
"Gosh, I can't wait to see the rest of my now decomposing body!" Josh anticipated eagerly with glee as Jerry opened the door. But there was someone already in the house…Ben Affleck!
For those of you who are not acquainted with him, Ben is a fairly small creature who looks an awful lot like a soccer ball with hands, except instead of being black and white, he's orange and red. He has the ability to shoot orange juice and apple juice out of his different colored "pores," but his apple juice pores are on the fritz lately, because he's been consuming vast amounts of cocaine.
"What are you doing here?" Jerry shouted.
"I'm illegally residing here," replied Ben. "Long enough for me to get this!" Ben pulled out from under him a red thong.
"Oh boy," Josh said, sweat emitting from his alien pores. "That's pretty bad."
Jerry looked at Josh, then at Ben. "Is there something I'm missing?" Josh looked even more worried when Ben put the thong on, and proceeded to scream "Feel the wrath of THE THONG OF THE DAMNED!" Ben shot a fireball at Jerry, which he barely dodged, but it hit a curtain, catching the curtain on fire.
"The red thong must have magical powers!" Spokes pointed out. "And to think, all this time I thought Josh was just some psychotic alien transvestite!"
"And now, to add fuel to the fire…" Ben fired huge blobs of orange juice at the fire, making it grow to engulf the entire house.
"Wait a minute, since when was Orange Juice flammable?" Spokes asked.
"Not now, Spokes!" Jerry responded. "Haha, Ben, you may have screwed us, but you have screwed yourself in the process! How will you get out?"
"Simple! Forcefield!" A forcefield surrounded Ben as he rolled to the door, apparently not affected by the flames. "See you in hell!" He exited the house. Meanwhile, parts of the ceiling were coming down on everyone.
"This is not good," Jerry pointed out.
"No kidding, this isn't even a first for me," Josh added.
"Wait a minute," Spokes suddenly started thinking, mouthing complicated calculations in his head. "kidding…even…a…I've got it!"
"Got what? You're just saying random words from the sentence Josh just said!"
But Spokes was already running to Josh's refrigerator. "There's a famous joke, one few have heard. What did the penguin say when he jumped off the roof?"
"Uh, goodbye cruel world?" Jerry asked.
"What? No! He said…ORANGE JUICE!"
Jerry and Josh stared blankly at Spokes.
"Jesus, are you people that stupid?" Spokes pulled a penguin out of the refrigerator. "What happens when a penguin says orange juice?"
"Penguins can't talk, Spokes," Josh pointed out. "And anyways, you're not using that penguin to put out the fire! He's my dinner!"
"He'll be fine, but there's no way you're eating him!" Spokes proceeded to place the penguin on top of the refrigerator. "You guys really don't know what I'm talking about? Oh, well. Okay, Penguin, jump!"
The Penguin jumped off the refrigerator, but as he jumped off he said, in a voice much like Gilbert Godfrey's, "Orange Juice!"
And all of a sudden all the orange juice fueling the fire around flew up into the air and into the penguin's mouth. Without the orange juice, the fire dissipated.
"Now that's some damn quality orange juice!" the Penguin stated, licking his beak.
"We're saved!" Jerry happily pranced around the house until parts of the ceiling continued to collapse.
"Maybe we should get out of here," Josh pointed out.
"Good idea," Spokes added.
And so they exited the house, moments before it collapsed in a heap of rubble.
"So what's your name?" Spokes asked the penguin.
"Baldwin. Alec Baldwin."
"Well, it's great and all that we're alive," Jerry pointed out. "But what now? The whole world has been destroyed. And what's so important about that red thong, anyway?"
"You mean you don't know?" Josh asked. "In 5,000,000 B.C., the world was run by the evil Caveman Bebagabotsisticationalismazexq. He ruled the world because he had magical powers that far outdid the crappy clubs that everyone else used to fight. His wife, known as Tina, who had no magical powers but very large breasts, asked for a magical item that would give her more power than her husband. Bebagabotsisticational-ismazexq, who could not yield to her large breasts, produced a red thong, capable of yielding powers greater than his. She placed this thong on, and was instantly more powerful than her husband, so she killed him. With this thong on, she could do virtually anything, including live forever. Some say she's still around today."
"And all this time, you were wearing this thong?" Jerry asked. "I would have thought you could stop me from chopping off your head."
"Well Jesus, I didn't actually believe this story. I mean, I found the damn thing in a thrift store for 30 cents. Why should I believe it has magical powers? I only realized it did when Ben used it to start the fire."
"So we have to stop Ben before he takes over the world," Jerry stated. "But where would he go? There's nothing left of the world."
"That is where I'm afraid you're wrong, Mr. Bruckheimer. There is a city underwater, that was most likely untouched by my flaming head. It is called…"
"Atlantis?" Spokes asked.
"What? Hell no! It's called Teegeeack."
"Wait a minute…that's what Earth was called 75 million years ago, when Xenu ruled over it!"
"That's the thing, Jerry…the whole colony consists of Scientologists, except for about ten people, who live in the 'raw meat' sector."
"Wait a minute! Xenu, raw meat, what are you guys talking about?"
"Oh, Spokes, you have a lot to learn." Josh cleared his throat, or what was left of it. "First off, raw meat are what Scientologists call non- Scientologists. As for Xenu, well, 75 million years ago…"