CHAPTER 3: XENU TO THE RESCUE
Jerry, Spokes, Josh, and Alec were now taking the ship underwater to Teegeeack.
"75 million years ago, a galactic emperor by the name of Xenu ruled over Earth (back then, known as Teegeeack) and all the other planets in our galaxy. However, he had a problem. Each planet had over 100 billion people on it. To solve this overpopulation problem, he used psychiatrists to drug up everyone, then he lowered them all into volcanos and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. He was captured, however, and sent to a futuristic prison in the mountains."
"THAT'S what's Scientologists believe in?" Spokes asked. "That's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard!"
"No, it's true! [www.xenu.net]" Josh pointed out. "In fact, with the help of some loyal Scientologists, Xenu broke out of the prison, and is now in charge of Teegeeack underwater!"
"Wait-this guy killed hundreds of billions of people, right?" Alec asked. "And we're going to him for help?"
"Well, he is all knowing and all seeing," Josh added. "He could tell us how to stop Ben from taking over the world."
"But there's nothing left of the world!" Jerry corrected. "Your flaming head destroyed everything!"
"And who's fault is that?" Josh asked.
"Spokes! Because he put so much damn liquid rubber on you!"
"Hey, you were the one that cut off his head!"
"SILENCE!" Alec screamed. "We're almost there!"
And they were. In fact, they had almost docked and exited the ship before several Scientologists grabbed them and cuffed them.
"Wait!" Jerry screamed. "We come in peace!"
"Yeah, right, that's what they all say," One Scientologist said. "What drugs ya carrying, huh?"
"What?"
"I'll bet they've got barrels of prozac!" Another Scientologist said. "Violence inducing, mankind destroying, PROZAC!"
"None of us have prozac!" Josh screamed. "We just came here to see Xenu!"
"Oh, you will. Believe me, you will."
And they did. They came up to Xenu, dressed much like a character from those really bad 1970s sci-fi movies.
"Master Xenu." All the Scientologists bowed down to him. "Bow for master Xenu, raw meat!"
"I can't," Josh said. "I'm just a severed head."
"What brings you to Teegeeack, raw meat?" Xenu asked.
"Well, we-"
"SILENCE!!"
"You asked a question, I was just trying to answer it…"
"I don't want to hear it! If I am going to help you, first I must see if you are worth helping. Come with me."
Xenu led them all to a strange padded room. In it there was a chair with some headphones.
"Mr. Bruckheimer, please sit in this chair." Jerry did.
"What are you going to do to Jerry?" Alec asked.
"We're going to test him!" Xenu replied. "We're going to strap him to that chair, place the headphones on him, and play some stories on tape from fanfiction.net."
Jerry gulped. "What kind of stories?"
"NC-17 Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy fics, read by Jar Jar Binks! On maximum volume! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"NOOOOOOOO!" Jerry screamed and struggled, but the Scientologists forced him into the chair, and placed the headphones on him, and turned on the tape."
"HARRY AND DRACO HAD SOME GAY SEX ONE DAY!! DRACO SAID 'HARRY, YOUSA LOOKIN' HOT TODAY!'"
Jerry already looked near death.
"HARRY SAID, 'ISA GONNA TAKE OFF MY PANTS, WILL YOUSA SUCK MEESA-"
"STOOOOOOOOOOOOP!" Spokes ran into the room, bit one Scientologist's leg, causing him to scream in pain, and accidently hit the off switch. Alec ran into the room and freed Jerry from the machine. He could barely stand up.
"I…don't…ever…want…to…read…Harry…Potter…or…watch…Star…Wars…
ever…again…" And he fell over, unconscious.
"I guess we failed, huh?" Alec asked.
"On the contrary, you passed with flying colors," Xenu responded. "Only those not worth helping would ever let one of their comrades be tortured so horribly."
"Awesome!" Josh said. "So, are you going to help us?"
"Certainly! I will tell you this key bit of info: People on the surface are still alive."
Jerry woke up long enough to give a look of seroius disappointment before falling unconscious again.
"That's it?" Alec asked. "That doesn't help us at all!"
"Well, if you want me to help you for real, then you'll have to do something for me."
Jerry woke up again, interested. "What do you want us to do?"
"I want you to kill the president of TIME magazine. Oh, and blow up the main office while you're at it."
Many confused looks filled the underwater city.
"Is it really that surprising? I mean, TIME has said some horrible things about Scientology. Personally, I think they're just a bunch of druggys. Them and those damn psychiatrists."
"TIME magazine doesn't exist anymore!" Alec shouted. "In fact, no major corporations exist anymore! This is the apocalypse! The last few survivors are gathered…well…somewhere! And we need to know where!"
"You fools! Are you that thick-headed? OBVIOUSLY I wanted you guys to go back in time to do it! Without TIME, no one will think Scientology is evil, and everyone will join, and I shall rule the world!"
Josh, Alec, Jerry and Spokes exchanged glances.
"Um, this doesn't seem like much of a deal," Jerry, who had now stood up, pointed out. "I mean, we'd be essentially just trading rulers. And a Flash Gordon reject isn't much of an improvement over a soccer ball."
"Is it?" Xenu asked. "I mean, I may rule harshly, but at least I won't try to ressurect Bebagabotsisticationalismazexq."
The four gasped in horror.
"Begabowawa…oh screw it, Bebop! He is now Bebop!" Spokes returned to his horrified look. "Ben's going to ressurect Bebop?"
"Yes!"
"But why? Couldn't he just stick his testicles in a toaster?"
"Ben Affleck doesn't have testicles, you dumb dog," Josh corrected. "He's a soccer ball. And anyway, he obviously wants to ressurect him so he can control him and have a slave with almost as much magical power as he does."
"Then we'd never be able to stop him!" Jerry gasped. "Oh, we have to do this! We have to make Xenu the new ruler of the world!"
"Fantastic!" Xenu clapped his hands and pointed down a corridor. "Follow me!"
*****
No one ever expected the time machine to look like an oversized piece of celery.
"He's right, you know," Alec added. "Are you sure this is a time machine?"
"Get into it!" Xenu commanded. Not fully understanding what he meant, Josh, Jerry, Alec, and Spokes lifted the piece of celery up and climbed under it.
"Do you really think this is such a good idea?" Josh asked.
"Josh," Jerry responded. "I think we can trust the galactic emperor Xenu."
"Set the timepod for 1995!" Xenu commanded.
"Timepod set for 1995," A Scientologist replied, pushing a bunch of buttons.
"Wait, is this gonna hurt?" Jerry asked. Actually, before he finished speaking, he suddenly was pulled into a vortex. He had expected to see a bunch of really cool looking colors and stuff, but instead he just saw a white background, and what appeared to be a small, one legged gnome sitting in a chair, with a birthday hat on, and a page-a-day calendar in his hands that said "2002."
"Hey, guess what, sonny?" The gnome asked.
"What?"
"You're supposed to guess, dumbfuck!"
"Uh, onions?"
"No, sonny, it's now…2001!" Lo and behold, the gnome pulled off the piece of paper to reveal another piece of paper that said "2001."
"Hey, guess what, sonny?" The gnome asked.
"It's 2000?"
"Right-o!" The gnome pulled off another piece of paper. And so on, until 1996…
"Hey, guess what, sonny?"
"It's 1995?"
"Nope. It's YOUR MOM!" The gnome pulled off a piece of paper to reveal a very unpleasant picture involving Jerry's Mom and a horse.
"Oh, you piece of crap, I'm gonna kill you." Jerry ran up to the gnome, knocked him off the chair, and began to beat it to a pulp.
"Ow! OOOOOGH! Not the—OOOOOOUUUUCH! OKAY, IT'S 1995! JESUS, MARY MOTHER OF GOD!" Jerry got off the gnome, who proceeded to pull off many pieces of paper, all involving Jerry's Mom and an animal, except for one which had Jar Jar Binks…at last, 1995.
Jerry woke up on the sidewalk next to Josh and Spokes. Alec was already up, muttering "Damn gnome…making fun of my Mom like that…"
Jerry, Spokes, Josh, and Alec were now taking the ship underwater to Teegeeack.
"75 million years ago, a galactic emperor by the name of Xenu ruled over Earth (back then, known as Teegeeack) and all the other planets in our galaxy. However, he had a problem. Each planet had over 100 billion people on it. To solve this overpopulation problem, he used psychiatrists to drug up everyone, then he lowered them all into volcanos and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. He was captured, however, and sent to a futuristic prison in the mountains."
"THAT'S what's Scientologists believe in?" Spokes asked. "That's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard!"
"No, it's true! [www.xenu.net]" Josh pointed out. "In fact, with the help of some loyal Scientologists, Xenu broke out of the prison, and is now in charge of Teegeeack underwater!"
"Wait-this guy killed hundreds of billions of people, right?" Alec asked. "And we're going to him for help?"
"Well, he is all knowing and all seeing," Josh added. "He could tell us how to stop Ben from taking over the world."
"But there's nothing left of the world!" Jerry corrected. "Your flaming head destroyed everything!"
"And who's fault is that?" Josh asked.
"Spokes! Because he put so much damn liquid rubber on you!"
"Hey, you were the one that cut off his head!"
"SILENCE!" Alec screamed. "We're almost there!"
And they were. In fact, they had almost docked and exited the ship before several Scientologists grabbed them and cuffed them.
"Wait!" Jerry screamed. "We come in peace!"
"Yeah, right, that's what they all say," One Scientologist said. "What drugs ya carrying, huh?"
"What?"
"I'll bet they've got barrels of prozac!" Another Scientologist said. "Violence inducing, mankind destroying, PROZAC!"
"None of us have prozac!" Josh screamed. "We just came here to see Xenu!"
"Oh, you will. Believe me, you will."
And they did. They came up to Xenu, dressed much like a character from those really bad 1970s sci-fi movies.
"Master Xenu." All the Scientologists bowed down to him. "Bow for master Xenu, raw meat!"
"I can't," Josh said. "I'm just a severed head."
"What brings you to Teegeeack, raw meat?" Xenu asked.
"Well, we-"
"SILENCE!!"
"You asked a question, I was just trying to answer it…"
"I don't want to hear it! If I am going to help you, first I must see if you are worth helping. Come with me."
Xenu led them all to a strange padded room. In it there was a chair with some headphones.
"Mr. Bruckheimer, please sit in this chair." Jerry did.
"What are you going to do to Jerry?" Alec asked.
"We're going to test him!" Xenu replied. "We're going to strap him to that chair, place the headphones on him, and play some stories on tape from fanfiction.net."
Jerry gulped. "What kind of stories?"
"NC-17 Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy fics, read by Jar Jar Binks! On maximum volume! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"NOOOOOOOO!" Jerry screamed and struggled, but the Scientologists forced him into the chair, and placed the headphones on him, and turned on the tape."
"HARRY AND DRACO HAD SOME GAY SEX ONE DAY!! DRACO SAID 'HARRY, YOUSA LOOKIN' HOT TODAY!'"
Jerry already looked near death.
"HARRY SAID, 'ISA GONNA TAKE OFF MY PANTS, WILL YOUSA SUCK MEESA-"
"STOOOOOOOOOOOOP!" Spokes ran into the room, bit one Scientologist's leg, causing him to scream in pain, and accidently hit the off switch. Alec ran into the room and freed Jerry from the machine. He could barely stand up.
"I…don't…ever…want…to…read…Harry…Potter…or…watch…Star…Wars…
ever…again…" And he fell over, unconscious.
"I guess we failed, huh?" Alec asked.
"On the contrary, you passed with flying colors," Xenu responded. "Only those not worth helping would ever let one of their comrades be tortured so horribly."
"Awesome!" Josh said. "So, are you going to help us?"
"Certainly! I will tell you this key bit of info: People on the surface are still alive."
Jerry woke up long enough to give a look of seroius disappointment before falling unconscious again.
"That's it?" Alec asked. "That doesn't help us at all!"
"Well, if you want me to help you for real, then you'll have to do something for me."
Jerry woke up again, interested. "What do you want us to do?"
"I want you to kill the president of TIME magazine. Oh, and blow up the main office while you're at it."
Many confused looks filled the underwater city.
"Is it really that surprising? I mean, TIME has said some horrible things about Scientology. Personally, I think they're just a bunch of druggys. Them and those damn psychiatrists."
"TIME magazine doesn't exist anymore!" Alec shouted. "In fact, no major corporations exist anymore! This is the apocalypse! The last few survivors are gathered…well…somewhere! And we need to know where!"
"You fools! Are you that thick-headed? OBVIOUSLY I wanted you guys to go back in time to do it! Without TIME, no one will think Scientology is evil, and everyone will join, and I shall rule the world!"
Josh, Alec, Jerry and Spokes exchanged glances.
"Um, this doesn't seem like much of a deal," Jerry, who had now stood up, pointed out. "I mean, we'd be essentially just trading rulers. And a Flash Gordon reject isn't much of an improvement over a soccer ball."
"Is it?" Xenu asked. "I mean, I may rule harshly, but at least I won't try to ressurect Bebagabotsisticationalismazexq."
The four gasped in horror.
"Begabowawa…oh screw it, Bebop! He is now Bebop!" Spokes returned to his horrified look. "Ben's going to ressurect Bebop?"
"Yes!"
"But why? Couldn't he just stick his testicles in a toaster?"
"Ben Affleck doesn't have testicles, you dumb dog," Josh corrected. "He's a soccer ball. And anyway, he obviously wants to ressurect him so he can control him and have a slave with almost as much magical power as he does."
"Then we'd never be able to stop him!" Jerry gasped. "Oh, we have to do this! We have to make Xenu the new ruler of the world!"
"Fantastic!" Xenu clapped his hands and pointed down a corridor. "Follow me!"
*****
No one ever expected the time machine to look like an oversized piece of celery.
"He's right, you know," Alec added. "Are you sure this is a time machine?"
"Get into it!" Xenu commanded. Not fully understanding what he meant, Josh, Jerry, Alec, and Spokes lifted the piece of celery up and climbed under it.
"Do you really think this is such a good idea?" Josh asked.
"Josh," Jerry responded. "I think we can trust the galactic emperor Xenu."
"Set the timepod for 1995!" Xenu commanded.
"Timepod set for 1995," A Scientologist replied, pushing a bunch of buttons.
"Wait, is this gonna hurt?" Jerry asked. Actually, before he finished speaking, he suddenly was pulled into a vortex. He had expected to see a bunch of really cool looking colors and stuff, but instead he just saw a white background, and what appeared to be a small, one legged gnome sitting in a chair, with a birthday hat on, and a page-a-day calendar in his hands that said "2002."
"Hey, guess what, sonny?" The gnome asked.
"What?"
"You're supposed to guess, dumbfuck!"
"Uh, onions?"
"No, sonny, it's now…2001!" Lo and behold, the gnome pulled off the piece of paper to reveal another piece of paper that said "2001."
"Hey, guess what, sonny?" The gnome asked.
"It's 2000?"
"Right-o!" The gnome pulled off another piece of paper. And so on, until 1996…
"Hey, guess what, sonny?"
"It's 1995?"
"Nope. It's YOUR MOM!" The gnome pulled off a piece of paper to reveal a very unpleasant picture involving Jerry's Mom and a horse.
"Oh, you piece of crap, I'm gonna kill you." Jerry ran up to the gnome, knocked him off the chair, and began to beat it to a pulp.
"Ow! OOOOOGH! Not the—OOOOOOUUUUCH! OKAY, IT'S 1995! JESUS, MARY MOTHER OF GOD!" Jerry got off the gnome, who proceeded to pull off many pieces of paper, all involving Jerry's Mom and an animal, except for one which had Jar Jar Binks…at last, 1995.
Jerry woke up on the sidewalk next to Josh and Spokes. Alec was already up, muttering "Damn gnome…making fun of my Mom like that…"