CHAPTER 4: A TIME TO KILL (PRESIDENT OF CORPORATION, THAT IS…)
"So what's up with this patient?" Dr. Railly asked.
"Well, we found him beating the crap out of a homeless guy and his pet, which appeared to be something of a cross between a giraffe and a zit. He claims he's from the year 2002."
"All right, I'll go see him."
Dr. Railly went through many security doors and a room that consisted entirely of molasses to meet with this bizarre time traveler. At last she got to the time traveler, who had apparently been drugged beyond belief, or else he wouldn't be drooling all over the floor.
"What's your name?" Dr. Railly asked.
"J-Josh Harnett…" The time traveler, who looked an awful lot like the head of an alien, responded.
"And what year do you say you come from?"
"The year 2002!" He shouted, rolling up to her feet. "I have come from the future to kill the President of TIME in 1995 before he can say all that bad stuff about Scientology!"
"But it's 1990," Dr. Railly corrected. "And I'm not really a doctor." She began to take off all her clothes, and her skin. "I'm an alien. And I really want to give you…head!"
Josh, at first pleased with the concept of fornication, became bothered by the lameness of that pun. But not as much as the fact that the attractive female alien had suddenly morphed into Jerry Bruckheimer.
"Wake up, Josh. You were having a dream."
"Ugh…what do you suppose it means if you have a dream that starts off like 12 Monkeys but turns into alien porn?"
"It's probably a by-product of the trauma associated with getting your head cut off," Alec stated, shooting an angry glance at Jerry.
"Hey, it was Spokes' idea to frickin' play Death Basketball, okay! This is all his fault!"
"Look guys, rather than name names, such as Jerry Bruckheimer, let's just go to the official TIME headquarters and get this over with."
*****
"Can I help you gentlemen?" The clerk behind the desk in TIME headquarters asked.
"We'd like to see the President please."
"Join the club."
A long pause. Then, Jerry said, "We have an appointment. May we see him?"
"I'm afraid not. You're not on the list."
"Have you tried looking…here?" Jerry quickly pointed at a random spot on the list in front of the clerk.
"Where? Where?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I've already pointed."
"Look, get out of here before I call the police!"
"Well, when do you intend on calling the police?"
"In about five or so minutes."
"Good, cause I REALLY need to pee."
As Jerry ran to the restroom…
"Well, it's apparent that didn't work," Spokes pointed out. "What next?"
*****
"Pizza for the president!" A pizza delivery boy shouted, right in the clerk's face.
"The president is lactose-intolerant," she replied. "He would never order pizza."
"You've have got to be frickin' kidding me!" Jerry screamed from under the pizza delivery boy suit.
"What?"
"I mean, er…damn! That's the fifth prank phone call I've gotten! I know who keeps doing this…I'm going to go to their house and beat the living spleen out of them!"
"That didn't sound anything like the first thing you said."
"But first I need permission from the President."
"Pardon?"
Jerry pulled a huge, one hundred and fifty page contract out of his pants pocket. "As stated in Part V, Section XIV, Article DLX, a person or persons cannot injure or execute a prank phone caller without the permission of the name or names used in the prank call, if they are real. Does not apply if names aren't real, or if pranksters are of one of the following nationalities…"
Jerry read off whichever countries you wish him to read off, then handed it to the clerk.
"Um, I'll take your word for it. Just go up and get his permission."
"Will do!"
*****
"Have you heard about that Scientology cult?" Asked the president.
"Yeah, it's been around for years!" Replied the colleague on the phone.
"Oh. Well, it sucks, doesn't it?"
"Not really. You sort of have to be human to suck. Or I suppose you could be certain animals, like an anteater, or a yellow-bellied sapsucker, or a vacuum cleaner."
"Mr. President!"
Jerry burst into the room.
"What is the meaning of this?"
"This: pron. pl. 1a. Used to refer to the person or thing present, nearby, or just mentioned. 1b. Used to refer—"
"No, I mean, what are you doing here?"
"Well, Mr. President—"
"Dr. President. I didn't go to medical school to be called Mr. President."
"Okay, well, Dr. President, I'm afraid your time is up."
"Excuse me?"
Jerry opened up the pizza box, and Spokes, Josh, and Alec all came out of it.
"Wait a minute, how'd they all fit in a pizza box without making it bulge?"
"As long as we're asking questions like that," Alec began. "Where did you get that one hundred and fifty page contract from, Jerry?"
"Look, the point is, we have to kill you, Dr. President, because you say bad stuff about Scientology, and we need to restore Xenu as ruler of the world in 2002, because otherwise Bebop takes over the world and kills everyone."
"Although most everyone's dead," Spokes added.
Dr. President took a long time to answer. Then, finally, he asked, "Bebop? You mean the pig from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?"
"NO!" Jerry shouted. "Are you stupid? He's the wizard caveman from the Stone Age that built a magical red thong for his wife, which she used to kill him! Duh!"
"Oh. Well," Dr. President began, walking over to his desk. "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to call security on you. You sort of caught me on one of my less suicidal days."
"I see." Jerry walked over to the President. "Well, could you do one more thing for me?"
"As long as you could say it in a G-rated movie."
"Could you ask me what time it is?"
Dr. President paused, somewhat confused. "Er…what time is it?"
"It's dead o'clock!" Jerry shouted, punching Dr. President through a window, causing him to fall 100,000 stories and hit the ground with a loud thud.
"I don't remember the building being that high," Josh said.
"Well, in any case, our job is done," Jerry declared.
"Yeah, but how do we get back to the present?" Alec asked.
Jerry paused for a moment. True, he did not know how they were going to get back to the present.
"Well, we'll just have to find a wormhole of some sort. Or is it a loophole? I dunno, some kind of holy shit!"
Unfortunately, thanks to Dr. President's velocity, he made a huge crater in the ground that caused the building they were in began to fall over towards the ground.
"Not again!" Spokes shouted. "Can't we go into a big building without it collapsing!"
Jerry thought of something particularly witty but extraordinarily offensive, and decided it best not to mention it. Instead, he just said, "Well, last time we miraculously survived, so who's to say we won't miraculously survive this time?"
"This is a 100,000 story building!" Alec shouted. "There's no way we can survive this! This is the end!"
"That is what we said about the last time," Spokes realized. "Yeah, we have nothing to worry about. We'll be fine."
The building continued to fall to the ground at an alarming velocity.
"Uh, guys, this isn't a very convincing cliffhanger," Josh pointed out. "The audience is supposed to think we're all going to die."
"But we're not! They know that. We'll be fine in the next chapter. I assure you."
CRASH‼
"So what's up with this patient?" Dr. Railly asked.
"Well, we found him beating the crap out of a homeless guy and his pet, which appeared to be something of a cross between a giraffe and a zit. He claims he's from the year 2002."
"All right, I'll go see him."
Dr. Railly went through many security doors and a room that consisted entirely of molasses to meet with this bizarre time traveler. At last she got to the time traveler, who had apparently been drugged beyond belief, or else he wouldn't be drooling all over the floor.
"What's your name?" Dr. Railly asked.
"J-Josh Harnett…" The time traveler, who looked an awful lot like the head of an alien, responded.
"And what year do you say you come from?"
"The year 2002!" He shouted, rolling up to her feet. "I have come from the future to kill the President of TIME in 1995 before he can say all that bad stuff about Scientology!"
"But it's 1990," Dr. Railly corrected. "And I'm not really a doctor." She began to take off all her clothes, and her skin. "I'm an alien. And I really want to give you…head!"
Josh, at first pleased with the concept of fornication, became bothered by the lameness of that pun. But not as much as the fact that the attractive female alien had suddenly morphed into Jerry Bruckheimer.
"Wake up, Josh. You were having a dream."
"Ugh…what do you suppose it means if you have a dream that starts off like 12 Monkeys but turns into alien porn?"
"It's probably a by-product of the trauma associated with getting your head cut off," Alec stated, shooting an angry glance at Jerry.
"Hey, it was Spokes' idea to frickin' play Death Basketball, okay! This is all his fault!"
"Look guys, rather than name names, such as Jerry Bruckheimer, let's just go to the official TIME headquarters and get this over with."
*****
"Can I help you gentlemen?" The clerk behind the desk in TIME headquarters asked.
"We'd like to see the President please."
"Join the club."
A long pause. Then, Jerry said, "We have an appointment. May we see him?"
"I'm afraid not. You're not on the list."
"Have you tried looking…here?" Jerry quickly pointed at a random spot on the list in front of the clerk.
"Where? Where?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I've already pointed."
"Look, get out of here before I call the police!"
"Well, when do you intend on calling the police?"
"In about five or so minutes."
"Good, cause I REALLY need to pee."
As Jerry ran to the restroom…
"Well, it's apparent that didn't work," Spokes pointed out. "What next?"
*****
"Pizza for the president!" A pizza delivery boy shouted, right in the clerk's face.
"The president is lactose-intolerant," she replied. "He would never order pizza."
"You've have got to be frickin' kidding me!" Jerry screamed from under the pizza delivery boy suit.
"What?"
"I mean, er…damn! That's the fifth prank phone call I've gotten! I know who keeps doing this…I'm going to go to their house and beat the living spleen out of them!"
"That didn't sound anything like the first thing you said."
"But first I need permission from the President."
"Pardon?"
Jerry pulled a huge, one hundred and fifty page contract out of his pants pocket. "As stated in Part V, Section XIV, Article DLX, a person or persons cannot injure or execute a prank phone caller without the permission of the name or names used in the prank call, if they are real. Does not apply if names aren't real, or if pranksters are of one of the following nationalities…"
Jerry read off whichever countries you wish him to read off, then handed it to the clerk.
"Um, I'll take your word for it. Just go up and get his permission."
"Will do!"
*****
"Have you heard about that Scientology cult?" Asked the president.
"Yeah, it's been around for years!" Replied the colleague on the phone.
"Oh. Well, it sucks, doesn't it?"
"Not really. You sort of have to be human to suck. Or I suppose you could be certain animals, like an anteater, or a yellow-bellied sapsucker, or a vacuum cleaner."
"Mr. President!"
Jerry burst into the room.
"What is the meaning of this?"
"This: pron. pl. 1a. Used to refer to the person or thing present, nearby, or just mentioned. 1b. Used to refer—"
"No, I mean, what are you doing here?"
"Well, Mr. President—"
"Dr. President. I didn't go to medical school to be called Mr. President."
"Okay, well, Dr. President, I'm afraid your time is up."
"Excuse me?"
Jerry opened up the pizza box, and Spokes, Josh, and Alec all came out of it.
"Wait a minute, how'd they all fit in a pizza box without making it bulge?"
"As long as we're asking questions like that," Alec began. "Where did you get that one hundred and fifty page contract from, Jerry?"
"Look, the point is, we have to kill you, Dr. President, because you say bad stuff about Scientology, and we need to restore Xenu as ruler of the world in 2002, because otherwise Bebop takes over the world and kills everyone."
"Although most everyone's dead," Spokes added.
Dr. President took a long time to answer. Then, finally, he asked, "Bebop? You mean the pig from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?"
"NO!" Jerry shouted. "Are you stupid? He's the wizard caveman from the Stone Age that built a magical red thong for his wife, which she used to kill him! Duh!"
"Oh. Well," Dr. President began, walking over to his desk. "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to call security on you. You sort of caught me on one of my less suicidal days."
"I see." Jerry walked over to the President. "Well, could you do one more thing for me?"
"As long as you could say it in a G-rated movie."
"Could you ask me what time it is?"
Dr. President paused, somewhat confused. "Er…what time is it?"
"It's dead o'clock!" Jerry shouted, punching Dr. President through a window, causing him to fall 100,000 stories and hit the ground with a loud thud.
"I don't remember the building being that high," Josh said.
"Well, in any case, our job is done," Jerry declared.
"Yeah, but how do we get back to the present?" Alec asked.
Jerry paused for a moment. True, he did not know how they were going to get back to the present.
"Well, we'll just have to find a wormhole of some sort. Or is it a loophole? I dunno, some kind of holy shit!"
Unfortunately, thanks to Dr. President's velocity, he made a huge crater in the ground that caused the building they were in began to fall over towards the ground.
"Not again!" Spokes shouted. "Can't we go into a big building without it collapsing!"
Jerry thought of something particularly witty but extraordinarily offensive, and decided it best not to mention it. Instead, he just said, "Well, last time we miraculously survived, so who's to say we won't miraculously survive this time?"
"This is a 100,000 story building!" Alec shouted. "There's no way we can survive this! This is the end!"
"That is what we said about the last time," Spokes realized. "Yeah, we have nothing to worry about. We'll be fine."
The building continued to fall to the ground at an alarming velocity.
"Uh, guys, this isn't a very convincing cliffhanger," Josh pointed out. "The audience is supposed to think we're all going to die."
"But we're not! They know that. We'll be fine in the next chapter. I assure you."
CRASH‼