(Original) Author's Note: Well, first of all, thanks for deciding to read this. It's intended to make you laugh, so I hope that is what it does. I'm not going to bother with all the 'these characters aren't mine' stuff, if you're a Fushigi Yuugi fan/creator, you know which characters I did or didn't make up, and you know that I don't own them. Second of all, I hope I don't offend anyone, some may not understand my humor as well as others... if you read something in my fanfic that is highly offensive to you, please e-mail me: black_opal_33@yahoo.com I'd rather you e-mail me than leave flames (haven't had any yet! ...please don't break me record...). And, last of all, have fun, and I would appreciate it if you would review my fic. Oh, a word of advice before you start reading: you may want to start the coffee maker because this might take a while if you intend to read it all in one sitting. Thanks again. And to those of you who don't bother to read an insane author's ramblings... :P
Host: Hello, and welcome to our brand new game show, Seishi Feud! This is the game show where two groups of seishi and their Mikos duke it out in order to win the grand prize! Now, let's meet our teams! On the red team we have the Suzaku seishi and their Miko, Miaka Yuuki. Tell us a little about yourself, Miaka. (holds microphone up to Miaka)
Miaka: (chomps on microphone) I'm hungry.
Host: (pulls microphone out of Miaka's mouth, looks at it, sweatdrops) We'll bring you something to eat after the show, okay?
Miaka: (eyes get all big and sparkly) Double cheeseburgers?
Host: Uh, yeah, sure... anyway, tell us who you brought along, Miaka.
Miaka: I brought my boyfriend Tamahome and my friends Chichiri, Nuriko, and Tasuki.
Host: And that's the Red Team! Now, let's meet the Blue Team, the Seiryuu seishi and their Miko Yui Hongo. Tell the audience something about yourself, Yui.
Yui: Well, my name is Yui Hongo, I'm 15 years old, and Tamahome is MY boyfriend!!
Host: I thought he was Miaka's boyfr-
Yui: NO!! He's mine!! I love him more than Miaka does! (starts crying slightly) I don't want her to have you, Tamahome! (cries harder, turns to Nakago, who is next to her) Nakago, Tamahome's MY boyfriend, isn't he?
Nakago: Don't cry, Lady Yui. He will be yours, in time.
Chichiri: Is anyone paying attention to what they're plotting over there, no da? (nods head towards Yui and Nakago)
Miaka: No.
Tasuki: No.
Tamahome: No.
Host: No.
Nuriko: No.
Tasuki: No.
Miaka: (stomach growls) I'm hungry.
Tamahome: No.
Host: No.
Mitsukake: No.
Nuriko: No.
Tasuki: Yes. Wait, I mean no.
Chichiri: Okay, just making sure, no da.
Host: Anyway, if you can stop crying for a minute, could you introduce the rest of your team, Yui?
Yui: Do I have to? Fine, there's Nakago, Amiboshi, Suboshi, and that one lady with the weird hair. What's her name Nakago? You used to go out with her or something, right?
Nakago: Her name's Soi.
Soi: (glares at Yui)
Yui: So you DO love her more than me! I always knew that she'd come between us! (starts sobbing)
Nakago: What? I didn't say that I loved her, Lady Yui. I -
Yui: Don't say anything, Nakago! I could see it in your eyes! First Miaka leaves me and steals Tamahome from me, and now this! (sobs) Doesn't anyone love me anymore?
Soi: No.
Suboshi: I love you, Yui.
Nakago: Yui, I -
Yui: No Nakago! Go ahead and love Soi! (clings to Suboshi) See if I care!
Host: Can we get back to the show now?
Yui: Fine. Nakago, go stand by Soi. Suboshi is going to be next to me. You can be by the one you REALLY love!
Nakago: Lady Yui...
Yui: No, just go! I can't even talk to you anymore. (clings to Suboshi and gives him big gerbil eyes) You'll love me forever, right?
Suboshi: Uh, sure.
Host: Are we ready to start the game yet?
Yui: I guess so.
Host: Red Team?
Miaka: (stomach gurgles) I'm hungry!
Host: I'll take that as a yes. Well, since both teams are ready, let's play Seishi Feud! First, let's go over the rules of the game. Each team member will be asked to answer a question, starting with the Mikos and going on down the line. Team members cannot collaborate to determine the answer. For every answer correct, that team gets a gold star -
Tamahome: What? No money?
Host: The team with the most gold stars at the end of the game wins the grand prize. In the event of a tie, we will have a tie-breaker round. Now, if an incorrect answer is given, the person who gave the wrong answer will be subjected to having to spin the WHEEL OF SACRIFICE! Now that I've gone over the rules of the game, does anyone have any questions?
Tasuki: Yeah. What happens whe-
Host: No questions?
Tasuki: I have one!
Host: Then let's begin the game! The first question goes to the Red Tea-
Yui: Why does MIAKA get to go first?! Ever since I started reading that stupid book, everyone's loved Miaka more than me! (starts sobbing)
Soi: Took her long enough to figure THAT out.
Nakago: Lady Yui, that's not true. I lo-
Suboshi: I love you Yui!
Host: (rolls his eyes) Jeez... Well, I know how we can solve this. Anyone have a coin I can borrow?
Tamahome: (is stacking his money and counting it)
Everyone: (looks at Tamahome)
Tamahome: (looks up from his money) What? What's everyone looking at ME for? I wasn't paying attention.
Host: Can I borrow a coin real quick?
Tamahome: What? (guards money protectively) No way!! This is MY money, you can't have any of it!
Nuriko: (punches Tamahome real hard) Just give the man a coin!
Tamahome: (meekly) Yes ma'am, err, sir, err, Nuriko. (gives the Host one of his coins)
Host: (takes coin) Thanks. (to Nuriko) Will he be okay?
Nuriko: (shrugs shoulders)
Host: (to Yui) Heads or tails?
Yui: Both.
Host: Ummm, you have to choose one or the other, Yui.
Yui: NO! I want Miaka to have absolutely no chance in winning! (clings to Amiboshi) Come on Suboshi, back me up!
Suboshi: Umm, I'm over here.
Yui: (looks at Suboshi) So you are. No matter, Amiboshi's cuter than you anyway.
Nakago: They're twins. They look exactly the sa-
Yui: Shut up Nakago!
Nakago: Yui...
Yui: No, don't talk to me! I don't want to come between you and your "precious" Soi!
Soi: (glares at Yui)
Host: Yui, are you ready for your first question?
Yui: You mean I won the toss-up? In your face Miaka! Tamahome is mine!
Host: First of all, you aren't competing over Tamahome -
Miaka: Says who?
Host: (sweatdrops) Second of all, Miaka won the toss-up, answered her question correctly, and received her first gold star.
Yui: Miaka's... beating me?? (looks at Amiboshi) Suboshi, Miaka's beating me!!
Amiboshi: Uh, I'm Amiboshi, not Suboshi...
Yui: It's not fair! I'M supposed to be winning!
Soi: Well, maybe if you stopped complaining for once...
Yui: Shut up Soi!
Soi: Yeah? Why should I? Just because you're the Seiryuu no Miko doesn't mean I have to be nice to y-
Nakago: Lady Yui, Soi, please.
Yui & Soi: Shut up Nakago!!!
Host: AHEM!! If you would PLEASE stop fighting, let's continue the game... or else I can just award the Red Team the grand prize...
Yui: No! We'll play... if it means Miaka won't win.
Host: Thank you. Okay Yui, are you ready to answer your first question?
Yui: Hang on. (pulls out a book from her jacket. Title: Big Book of Game Show Answers) Okay, ready.
Host: Umm, that's cheating...
Yui: So?
Host: I'll have to confiscate that book.
Yui: Oh fine. (hands the book over to the Host)
Host: (takes book) Okay, are you ready now?
Yui: (takes out another book titled: Fushigi Yuugi Fanfic - Seishi Feud) Yep.
Host: (points at fanfic) Uh, what's that?
Yui: It's a copy of this fanfic.
Host: Fanfic? Huh?
Yui: Never mind. (opens book to a specific page) Okay, ask away... No!!
Host: No what?
Yui: You're going to ask me to hand the fanfic over to you, but I won't! (clutches book tightly)
Host: How did you know I was going to ask that?
Yui: (waves book around) It's all right here! What everyone's going to say and do! I can predict the future!
Nuriko: Because you're a psycho?
Yui: (sticks her tongue out at Nuriko, thumbs through the book and starts to read)
Host & Yui: Yui, give me the book... huh? How do you know what I'm saying? Stop it! Grrr, give it to me!
Host: (lunges for the book)
Yui: (holds it out of the Host's reach and shakes her head) Tch tch tch. (laughs like an annoying weasel) I know everything you're going to say and do! (holds book triumphantly over her head) Nyah nyah you can't stop me!
Tasuki: (aims fan at book) REKKA SHINEN!!
Yui: (moves out of the way of the flames and pushes Nakago straight into them) You didn't think I already KNEW you were going to do that Tasuki? Stupid. I am the all-powerful Yui!! Fear me!
Nakago: (is burned and coughs) I will... always protect you... Lady... Yui. (collapses)
Soi: (looks down at Nakago) Get up you idiot. You're making me look bad.
Tamahome: (to Yui) If that book holds the future, then tell us who will win the game.
Yui: Hey, that's a good idea... I mean, I was just going to do that! I had the idea first, and I don't need YOU to tell me what to do!! (thumbs through the book) Isn't it obvious who's going to win though? (reads) Wh... WHAT?!?! MIAKA wins?! That can't be true! I'M supposed to win! Grrr! (throws book at the ground, hitting Nakago with it)
Nakago: Ow...
Miaka: Wait a minute, we already know that my team wins, so can we get the grand prize already? I'm starving! ...double cheeseburger... (drools)
Yui: No way Miaka! I will NEVER let you win!!
Host: Can everyone PLEASE refrain from arguing? I would REALLY like to finish the game in THIS century!!
Everyone: (goes quiet)
Host: Thank you. Now, Yui, if you have any other cheating devices with you, please hand them over or else I will be forced to award the Red Team the grand prize.
Yui: Oh I hate ultimatums! (pulls a huge briefcase out of her jacket that's labeled: Super-Delux Cheat-Your-Way-Through-Life Kit) There. (gives it to the Host and pouts)
Suboshi: (puts a hand on Yui's shoulder) Don't worry Yui. We still have a chance at beating Miaka, as long as we're... (pauses)
Soi: (yawns)
Tasuki: (all hyper-like) As long as you're what, as long as you're what???
Host: (looks at his watch)
Suboshi: (stares blankly at Yui with his hand still on her shoulder)
Nakago: We don't have all day, Suboshi.
Nuriko: Can I smack him? Someone please say I can smack him.
Chichiri: (clears his throat)
Everyone: (looks at Chichiri)
Chichiri: What?
Tamahome: Are you going to say something?
Chichiri: No, just clearing my throat, no da.
Everyone: (goes back to waiting for Suboshi to finish his sentence)
Amiboshi: Well, this is going nowhere...
Miaka: Can we PLEASE just continue the game? I'm HUNGRY!!
Suboshi: (continues to stare blankly at Yui with his hand still on her shoulder)
Host: (to Miaka) Good idea.
Yui: Yeah, MY good idea! Miaka stole it from me!
Host: (sighs angrily) This is going to take forever... Putting Suboshi aside...
Suboshi: (stares blankly, hand on Yui's shoulder)
Host: ...let's continue the game, shall we?
Tasuki: No.
Host: (face turns red with anger) All right, that's it!!! (to Tasuki) No more talk from you unless it's you turn! Understand?!
Tasuki: (meekly) Yes sir.
Host: (calms down instantly) Ahem. Okay then. Yui, it's your turn. Your questio-
Miaka: I'm hungr-
Host: (turns around angrily) No interruptions!!!
Miaka: (gulps)
Host: (turns back around) Now Yui. (hears noises behind him and turns around)
Red Team: (is standing up straight, not moving)
Host: (glares at the Red Team suspiciously, then turns back towards Yui) Okay. Yui, your first question is - (hears whispers and turns around) WHO'S TALKING OVER THERE?!?
Red Team: (looks innocently at the Host)
Host: (narrows eyes at Red Team, then turns back towards Yui, very angrily) Once again, Yui, here is your first - (turns around)
Chichiri: (is holding some cards in his hand, quietly) Psst, Nuriko, I'll give you a Bulbasaur for your Zapdos.
Nuriko: (quietly) Throw in a Pikachu and it's a deal... Hey, I think the host guy is looking at us...
Chichiri: Right, we'll settle this later, no da.
Host: (to Nuriko and Chichiri, slowly but loudly) Are you two done yet?
Nuriko: Heh heh, yeah, sorry about that. (gives an embarrassed grin)
Host: THANK you. (turns to Yui) Yui, are you ready for your first question?
Yui: Well, actually -
Host: (veins start bulging on forehead) YUI, ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR FIRST QUESTION?
Yui: Yes.
Host: (calmly) Okay then. Now, if you remember what I said at the beginning of the show, each correct answer will be rewarded with a gold star, and every wrong answer will make you subject to the Wheel of Sacrifice! Yui, here's your first question: How many hours are there in one day? Is it: A- 48, B- 16, C- 24, or D- 30?
Yui: Hmm, let's see, uh... (looks around)
Nakago: (holds up a big cue card with the letter C on it) Psst, Yui!
Yui: (looks at Nakago)
Nakago: (points to the card)
Yui: Huh? (shrugs her shoulders)
Nakago: (points at the card repeatedly)
Yui: (looks back at the Host) Well, I'm going to have to go with letter... um... (looks back at Nakago)
Nakago: (points to card)
Yui: (looks back at Host)
Tamahome: (to Miaka) Hey, isn't that cheating? (nods head towards Nakago)
Miaka: (shrugs shoulders) I'm hungry.
Yui: My answer is... letter... D.
Nakago: (bites his lip)
Host: Is that your final answer?
Yui: (nods)
Nakago: D'oh! (slaps his forehead)
Host: I'm sorry, that is incorrect.
Yui: Wh.... what? (looks all distressed) I... I got it wrong? But... but... (starts sobbing)
Amiboshi: Please don't cry, Yui.
Suboshi: (stares blankly at Yui, hand still on her shoulder)
Host: Since you answered the question incorrectly Yui, you will be the first one to spin the Wheel of Sacrifice.
Yui: But I'M supposed to win! Miaka's the one who's supposed to be spinning the wheel, not me!
Soi: Oh boo hoo, poor little priestess! Just go spin the damn wheel, "Princess".
Amiboshi: Don't worry Yui, I'll spin the wheel for you!
Nuriko: Can he do that?
Tamahome: (looks up from counting money) I dunno. (looks back down at money) Wait a minute, was I at 650 or 560? (thinks) Damn, I guess I have to start over... one... two... three...
Miaka: I'm hungry.
Tasuki: ...
Chichiri: (nudges Tasuki)
Tasuki: (looks at Chichiri) What?
Chichiri: Aren't you supposed to say something here no da?
Tasuki: No, my next line isn't for a while. Besides, I'm not even supposed to be talking right now, remember?
Chichiri: Oh yeah.
Amiboshi: (walks towards the Wheel of Sacrifice)
Nakago: (light bulb appears above head)
Soi: (looks at light bulb) That's a first.
Nakago: Hey, wait a minute! (grabs Amiboshi by the collar) You're just spinning the wheel so you can get close to Lady Yui, aren't you?!
Amiboshi: Well yeah.
Nakago: Yui! If it'll prove to you how much I care for you, not Soi -
Soi: (glares at Nakago)
Nakago: - I'LL spin the wheel for you! (walks towards wheel)
Yui: (shrugs shoulders) Whatever.
Amiboshi: Huh? No way! (grabs and pulls Nakago's cape) I'M gonna spin it for her!
Nakago: (pushes Amiboshi) Go home, little boy. Yui's heart is mine!
Amiboshi: Little boy? Who you callin' a little boy, bitch? You wanna piece of me?
Nakago & Amiboshi: (start girly-fighting)
Red Team: (sweatdrops)
Nakago: Hang on a sec... Aw damn, I broke a nail!
Amiboshi: (sincerely) Oh my gosh! Are you okay? I'm so sorry! Here, let me help.
Nakago: (gives Amiboshi this goofy stupid grin) Thanks.
Guy In Audience: (stands up) Hey! Pansies! Why don't you spin the damn wheel all ready!
Nakago: Don't go there girlfriend!
Guy: What are you gonna do, call up those pansy-ass freaks Tomo and Ashitare to fight for you?
Amiboshi: Hey, come down here and say that, fool!
Guy: Fine, I will! (walks down towards the stage)
Guard: (to Guy) Hey, you can't go down onstage!
Guy: Outta my way!
Guard: (crosses arms and stands in Guy's way)
Guy: (pulls a bill out of his wallet and sticks it in the Guard's shirt pocket)
Guard: Yes sir! Right this way sir! Shall I show you to the stage?
Guy: Nah, that's okay, I'll just follow the pansy rays to their source.
Amiboshi: (glares at the Guy) You're goin' down...
Guard: (takes bill out of pocket and looks at it) Hey, wait a minute! This is only a buck!
Guy: (walks up to Amiboshi and slugs him in the stomach)
Amiboshi: Oof... (swings at the Guy's head with his flute)
Jerry Springer: (walks out from offstage)
Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Host: (to Jerry) Hey, who are you, and what are you doing on my set!
Jerry: (waves a hand at the Host) Don't mind me...
Amiboshi & Guy: (are fighting on the ground, grunting and growling like dogs)
Two Guards: (walk out on stage and restrain Amiboshi and the Guy)
Nakago: (walks up to Amiboshi and the Guy) Oh, come on you two! You both know that violence doesn't solve anything!
Amiboshi & Guy: (hang their heads in shame)
Amiboshi: I'm sorry. I... I don't know what came over me.
Guy: Yeah, I overreacted. I just wanted you guys to hurry up and spin the wheel. Forgive me?
Amiboshi: Yeah.
Audience: Awwwww.
Jerry: (walks up to person in the audience) Miss, what do you think of what's happened here today? (holds up microphone)
Woman: (stands up) Jerry, I'd just like to say that I'm amazed at how far the flute boy and the other guy have gone. I mean, they went from tearing at each other's throats to forgiving each other. I mean, it makes me feel that -
Jerry: (takes microphone away) Yeah yeah, that's enough.
Woman: (sits down)
Jerry: (walks up to another person) Sir, what are your thoughts?
Man: (stands up) I think that they should shake hands and forget what all was said about each other.
Amiboshi & Guy: (nod and go to shake each other's hand)
Yui: What? Are you kidding me? Don't go shaking each other's hands you morons!
Everyone: (looks at Yui)
Yui: Nakago! Amiboshi was trying to win me over, remember? And Amiboshi! Nakago was attempting to steal the spotlight from you! Don't give me this friendship crap! I want to see you two fight for my love!
Nakago: (takes out a fairy wand and puts a princess tiara on his head) Don't worry Lady Yui. I will not succeed... I mean, I will not fail you!
Amiboshi: (holds flute out in front of him, is transformed into Luke Skywalker and starts swinging flute around, making lightsaber noises) I'll fight for your heart Leia... I mean Yui. If that's what it'll take.
Nuriko: (takes out a bag of popcorn) This oughta be good.
Chichiri: (takes some popcorn) Definitely.
Miaka: (looks at popcorn) Pop... corn? POPCORN!! (steals the bag of popcorn and shoves the whole thing into her mouth)
Chichiri: (looks at Miaka) Well, so much for that, no da.
Ami/Luke: (makes lightsaber noises as he swings his flute at Nakago)
Nakago: (holds fairy wand out in front of himself) Pretty Pink Barrier! (pink barrier forms around him and deflects Ami/Luke's attacks)
Ami/Luke: (wipes sweat from brow; in whiny Luke Skywalker voice) This is hard!
Nakago: (takes off his princess tiara) Magical Shining Pretty Princess Tiara! (throws tiara at Ami/Luke)
Tiara: (cuts off one of Ami/Luke's hands)
Ami/Luke: (looks down at his hand and whines) Man! That's the second time I've had that hand cut off! First by Darth Vader, now you! Why is everyone so mean to me? (sniffles)
Nakago: Amiboshi... I am your father.
Ami/Luke: Really?
Nakago: No, you idiot. I was just saying that so I could catch you off guard... did it work?
Ami/Luke: (shrugs shoulders)
Nakago: Hey Amiboshi, let me see your flute for a second.
Ami/Luke: Okay. (gives Nakago his flute) But it's a lightsaber, not a flute.
Nakago: Err... right... (takes it) Ha! Now you don't have any means of defense! Ha! Ha ha! Ha!
Ami/Luke: (gets really angry and charges at Nakago) Why you little! Get over here! (strangles and bites Nakago)
Nakago: Hey, what are you do- OW! Stop doing tha- OW! I'll get you for - OW! Stop biting m- OW! (smacks Ami/Luke over the head repeatedly with his star wand)
Ami/Luke & Nakago: (roll on the ground fighting)
Yui: (to Soi) They're fighting... over me.
Soi: (glares at Yui)
Director: All right people, cut! Bring out the stunt doubles! (two Mexicans wearing wigs and outfits resembling Nakago and Luke Skywalker walk out on stage) Annnnnnnnnnd... action!
Nakago Stunt Guy: (throws a fake looking punch at the Luke Skywalker Stunt Guy)
Luke Stunt Guy: (pauses for a couple seconds, then does five back flips and lands hard on his back)
Stunt Guys: (continue to fake fight)
Nuriko: What is this crap? Chichiri I guess Nakago and Amiboshi-turned-Luke-Skywalker are bigger pansies than we thought they were, no da.
Tamahome: Yeah, since they have to resort to using Mexican look-alikes to do their fighting.
Host: Speaking of pansies, what happened to that Jerry guy and the irate audience member?
Chichiri: (shrugs)
Tamahome: I dunno.
Nuriko: (to Host) It's been a while since your last speaking part, huh?
Host: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do...
Miaka: I'm hungry!
Nuriko: (angrily) Again?! You just got done eating that whole thing of popcorn, bag and all!
Chichiri: He's got a point, no da.
Tamahome: Can you believe it? Those Mexican stunt doubles are still going at it!
Tasuki: (aims fan at Stunt Guys) REKKA SHINEN!!!
Stunt Guys: (collapse on the ground, are all burnt up)
Host: (to Tasuki) What'd you do that for?
Tasuki: (shrugs shoulders) I 'unno. I was bored.
Host: ...
Miaka: ...
Yui: ...
Chichiri: ...
Tasuki: ...
Tamahome: ...
Mitsukake: ...
Nuriko: ...
Soi: ...
Suboshi: (stares blankly, still has his hand on Yui's shoulder) Audience: ...
Host: So, uh, what were we doing?
Nuriko: I don't know...
Chichiri: What happened to Amiboshi and Nakago, no da?
Tamahome: (twiddles his thumbs)
Police Officer: (walks in dragging Nakago and Amiboshi- who is back to normal, no longer Luke Skywalker- behind her)
Everyone: (looks at the Police Officer)
Police Officer: (walks over to the Host) Are these yours? (motions to Amiboshi and Nakago)
Host: Uh, yeah...
Police Officer: I caught them asking several women if they wanted to be 'the new Seiryuu no Miko' or something like that...
Yui: (glares at Nakago and Amiboshi)
Police Officer: ...and the women's husbands didn't seem to appreciate these two (kicks Amiboshi and Nakago) trying to run off with their wives. Now, I trust that you can keep them under control from now on?
Host: Uh, yes ma'am.
Police Officer: Good. If I catch them again, I'm taking them downtown. (walks offstage)
Suboshi: (stares blankly, still has his hand on Yui's shoulder)
Nakago & Amiboshi: (walk over to Yui, Nakago stands next to her, Amiboshi stands next to Nakago)
Yui: (looks at Nakago and glares)
Nakago: (grins sheepishly)
Yui: (smacks Nakago really hard on the side of the head)
Amiboshi: (snickers)
Nakago: (glares at Amiboshi and pulls his hair really hard)
Amiboshi: (shrieks)
Yui: (kicks them both in the shins)
Amiboshi: (falls down)
Nakago: (winces)
Yui: I can't believe you were trying to replace me! (sobs)
Amiboshi: (stands up shakily)
Yui: (sob) You heartless bastards! (sob sob)
Nakago: (points to Amiboshi) It was his idea.
Amiboshi: Nuh-uh! He put me up to it!
Soi: Will you all please just SHUT UP already?
Suboshi: (stares blankly with his hand on Yui's shoulder)
Host: (turns to the Blue Team) All right, all right! That's enough! If you don't refrain from fighting I'll disqualify you from the game and give the other team the grand prize! Okay?
Yui: (sticks out her bottom lip and pouts) Fine...
Host: (turns to the Red Team) And the same goes for your team, Miaka!
Soi: (whispers to Amiboshi) Boy, I wonder what he has up his a-
Host: (turns around and glares at Soi)
Soi: (smiles sweetly)
Host: (mutters angrily, then turns back towards the Red Team; to Miaka) Do you understand?
Miaka: Umm, I think so...
Host: Okay, good enough for me. (turns back towards the Blue Team) Now, as you'll remember, Yui answered her first question wrong, and it's time for her to spin the Wheel of Sacrifice.
Yui: I didn't get it wrong.
Host: What? Yes you did.
Yui: (through clenched teeth) I SAID, I didn't get it wrong. (turns to Nakago and Amiboshi, teeth still clenched) Little help, guys? (winks)
Amiboshi: (blinks) Huh? But I thought you got it wrong... (looks confused)
Yui: (makes a couple very exaggerated winks)
Amiboshi: Oh... oh, yeah! (to the Host, tries to look very sincere) Yui did in fact get the question right. (nods) Yep, she definitely did answer it right. I'm sure of it. (turns to Suboshi) Isn't that right Suboshi?
Suboshi: (stares blankly, hand still resting on Yui's shoulder)
Amiboshi: Umm, okay, wrong person to ask. (turns to Nakago) You remember Yui getting it right, don't you Nakago?
Nakago: Yes, yes she did. I distinctly remember that her answer was D.
Host: The correct answer was C.
Nakago: That's what I said.
Soi: No, you said D Nakago.
Nakago: (turns to Soi and narrows his eyes slightly) Yes well, I obviously meant to say C.
Soi: Or maybe you're just saying that so your precious Yui can get off scotch-free and won't have to spin the wheel.
Nakago: (gasps indignantly) I never!
Soi: She answered the question wrong, and you know it! You're only agreeing with her to get on her good side again!
Nakago: (covers his ears with his hands) La la la not listening!!
Soi: What are you trying to accomplish here Nakago? She's fifteen for crying out loud! Maybe you should go after someone your own age!
Yui: What, someone like you?
Soi: (glares furiously at Yui) EXCUSE ME!!
Yui: You're excused.
Soi: (narrows eyes) I am NOT ANYWHERE near as old as Nakago! I'm only nineteen! HE'S twenty-five!
Everyone: (gasps, except for Nakago who still has his hands covering his ears and Suboshi who's still staring blankly with his hand on Yui's shoulder)
Chichiri: He's older than me... only by a year though, no da.
Nuriko: You mean you're twenty-four? (raises an eyebrow)
Chichiri: Didn't you know that?
Nuriko: (shakes head) Jeez... you're OLD.
Chichiri: (mutters) I'm not that old, no da... stupid cross-dresser...
Nuriko: Huh? What did you say?
Chichiri: (stares blankly) Nothing... nothing at all.
Host: Can we get back to the game now?
Nakago: (is still walking around with his hands over his ears) Not listening to a word you're saying Soi! I couldn't care less!
Soi: (glares at Nakago)
Tamahome: You know, Soi's not even saying anything... she's just kind of sitting there, glaring...
Miaka: So? Since when do you pay attention to Soi anyway? (gasps) Does this mean that you're in love with Soi? (eyes wiggle sadly) You... you don't love me anymore??
Tamahome: What? No, of... (glances at Soi, then Yui, then Soi again) ...of course I love you Miaka...
Miaka: Really? (eyes wiggle happily) Do you really mean it?
Tamahome: Uhh... yes?
Miaka: (clamps onto Tamahome's arm) Tamahome loves me!!
Yui: (glares at Miaka) No he doesn't! He loves ME!! (runs over to Tamahome and clutches his other arm tightly)
Suboshi: (stares blankly, hand held out where Yui's shoulder used to be)
Yui: Tamahome's mine, Miaka! You know he never loved you! (grips Tamahome's arm tighter)
Miaka: Nuh-uh! He's always loved me! (pulls Tamahome over to her) Isn't that right?
Tamahome: Actually -
Yui: (pulls Tamahome towards her) See? (looks at Tamahome dreamily) I always knew you'd come to your senses...
Tamahome: I never said I loved -
Miaka: (pulls Tamahome back to her) Aha! I knew he'd never go for an ugly whore like you, Yui!
Tamahome: Wait, I didn't say -
Yui: Ugly whore?! (pulls Tamahome over to her roughly) You're worse than I am Miaka! You're stupid, nauseating, and obnoxious, you never stop eating, you constantly trip over your own feet, and that's not even half of what's wrong with you!
Miaka: (yanks Tamahome towards her) That's what's wrong with me? What about what's wrong with you! You can't talk without whining, you cheat, you try to steal my boyfriend, you lie, you... you...
Yui: Is that all you can think of? You're pathetic Miaka...
Miaka: You like Nakago!
Audience: Ooooooh.
Tasuki: (to Yui) She's got you there.
Yui: Shut up, Fan Boy! (to Miaka) I do not like Nakago! Tamahome is the one I love! And he loves me!
Miaka: No he doesn't!
Yui: Yes he does!
Miaka: Does not!
Yui: Does too!
Miaka: Does not!
Yui: Does too!
Miaka: Does not!
Yui: Does too!
Miaka: Does not!
Yui: Does too!
Miaka: DOES NOT!
Yui: DOES TOO!
Miaka: DOES NOT!
Yui: DOES TOO!
Miaka: DOES NOT!
Yui: DOES TOO!
Miaka: Does too.
Yui: DOES NOT!
Miaka: (grins) Okay, what you said.
Yui: (blinks) What? (thinks for a second) No! I meant to say 'Does too'! (glares at Miaka) You're mean, Miaka! And I hate you!
Miaka: Boo hoo hoo, Yui doesn't like me anymore. I'm so sad.
Yui: (glares at Miaka)
Miaka: (sticks her tongue out at Yui)
Yui: Yeah, well, you're... you're mean, Miaka!
Miaka: At least I'm not an idiot like you.
Yui: No, you're the idiot!
Miaka: Oh! Good comeback!
Yui: (glares furiously at Miaka) I hate you.
Miaka: So? What are you going to do, cry to Nakago about it?
Yui: I've got a deal for you Miaka...
Miaka: Oh? Is this another one of your (makes quote marks in the air) "genius" plans?
Yui: (glares at Miaka) How about I just take Tamahome, and you can SHUTYOURFACE!
Miaka: Hmm, that seems like a pretty good deal, but I think I've got a better one. How about I give you the finger (flicks Yui off), and take Tamahome for myself?
Nuriko: Wow, was that just a complete rip-off of The Matrix or what?
Yui: Jeez Miaka, can't you even be original?
Miaka: (glares at Yui while pushing up her sleeves) I'll show you original...
Yui: (cracks her knuckles and neck) I'm ready. Let's see what you've got.
Tamahome: (steps between Miaka and Yui) Girls, girls, there's no need to fi-
Yui: (looks angrily at Tamahome) You stay out of this! It's between me and Miaka!
Miaka: If you want to do something Tamahome, stay out of our way and hold this up. (gives Tamahome a sign that has 'Go Miaka! Yui sucks!' written on it)
Tamahome: (takes the sign and sweatdrops)
Yui: (glares at the sign, then at Miaka) Now it's personal...
Chichiri: Hasn't it always been personal, no da?
Yui: (glares at Chichiri)
Chichiri: Eh heh... (slowly backs away) I didn't say anything, no da...
Nakago: (runs up to Soi and stands right in front of her, his hands still covering his ears) I can't hear you Soi, you old windbag! La la la!
Soi: (glares at him)
Nakago: I'm not scared of you! And I'm not listening to you either! La la la! You are the ugliest human being I've ever met Soi! Why you're even uglier than Miboshi and Ashitare combined!
Soi: (narrows her eyes and clenches her fists and teeth, mouths silently) I will kill you.
Nakago: Huh? (takes his hands off his ears) I didn't hear what you said... could you repeat that for me?
Soi: (quietly) I said... (at the top of her lungs) I WILL KILL YOU!!!
Everyone: (looks at Soi)
Nakago: (makes a deer-in-headlights look) Uh-oh. This isn't good...
Soi: Damn right! (lunges at Nakago) Come here you blonde-haired bastard!
Nakago: (runs a few feet away and sticks his tongue out at Soi) You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Boy! (runs off)
Soi: (chases after him)
Nuriko: (watches them) Gingerbread Boy? What the hell?
Tasuki: (shrugs) You got me.
Yui: Tamahome is mine Miaka!
Miaka: Over my dead body!
Yui and Miaka: (lunge at each other)
Tamahome: (eyes go wide) Yui!!
Amiboshi: (eyes go wide) Miaka!!
Tamahome: (restrains Miaka)
Amiboshi: (restrains Yui)
Yui and Miaka: (struggle to get free but can't)
Amiboshi: Hey, hey! Calm down, the both of you! Let's settle this like adults...
Tamahome: Yeah, listen to the pansy-ass flute boy.
Amiboshi: Excuse me?
Tamahome: (to Yui and Miaka, ignores Amiboshi) Listen, if it makes you two feel any better, I don't love either of you! (smiles warmly)
Yui: WHAT?!?!
Miaka: Wha... what do you mean by that?!?! (looks angrily at Tamahome) You said that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together!!
Tamahome: (shrugs) So I lied.
Amiboshi: (glares, mutters) We'll see who's the pansy-ass...
Yui: But you've got to love on of us!!
Tamahome: (shrugs) Eh, neither of you are that great of a find...
Miaka: (thinks for a second, then looks at Tamahome) You love SOI, don't you?!
Tamahome: (looks at Miaka) What? (blinks)
Miaka: (turns to Yui) He loves Soi!
Yui: That must be it... that's the only reason he wouldn't be able to choose one of us!
Miaka: That bitch...
Yui: I know! Stealing Tamahome from us without us even knowing!
Miaka: How dare she!
Tamahome: Uhh...
Yui: (rolls up her sleeves and grins evilly) I say we go find her and teach her why no one ever tries to steal any guy from us. What do you say, Miaka?
Miaka: (grins cruelly) I'm game.
Chichiri, Nuriko, and Tasuki: (are sitting around talking)
Chichiri: Hey, you know what would be interesting?
Nuriko: No, what?
Chichiri: If one of the Suzaku seishi and one of the Seiryuu seishi got caught in a very suggestive situation on live televis-
Nakago: (falls from above, screaming)
Everyone: (looks up)
Nakago: (lands on Tasuki, eyes turn into spirals, tongue is hanging out near Tasuki's mouth, one hand is in Tasuki's hair, is straddling Tasuki's lower half)
Chichiri: -ion, no da.
Audience: (stares at Nakago and Tasuki)
Nuriko: Hey, you're right! That IS interesting!
Chichiri: (grins guiltily and scratches the back of his head) Eh heh...
Tasuki: (struggles to get out from beneath the unconscious Nakago) Somebody get him offa me!
Ratings Guy: What, are you kidding me? Our ratings are the highest they've ever been!
Chichiri: (blinks) Isn't this the first episode though, no da?
Ratings Guy: (quietly) Sh... shut up...
Tasuki: (struggles more) Isn't somebody gonna help me?!