Tasuki: (struggles more) Isn't somebody gonna help me?!
Everyone: ...
Cricket: (chirps)
Camera Guy: (zooms in)
Tasuki: NO! Don't zoom in! Get that camera out of my face!! Don't make me use my fan!
Camera Guy: (zooms out and pans across Nakago and Tasuki's bodies)
Tasuki: Gyah, no! That's even worse! Stop moving the camera!
Suboshi: (stares blankly, hand where Yui's shoulder used to be)
Soi: (walks slowly up to Nakago and Tasuki, looking smug) I didn't know you leaned that way, Nakago... (picks him up by the cape and drags him off of Tasuki) I'm sure Tomo will be pleased... (walks offstage, dragging Nakago, who is still unconscious)
Tasuki: (as soon as Nakago is off him, jumps up and grabs Chichiri's collar) You just had to say something, didn't you?!
Chichiri: Tasuki, calm down, no da!
Tasuki: Calm down?! How do you expect me to do that, huh?! (shoves the end of his fan into Chichiri's mouth) You need to learn how to keep your big mouth shut, Monk-Boy!
Chichiri: (protests as best he can with Tasuki's fan in his mouth)
Tasuki: (gives Chichiri the Kiss of Death) Die, Monk-Boy. RRRRREEKKKKKKAAA!!! SHIINNNNE-
Nuriko: (taps Tasuki on the shoulder)
Tasuki: Huh? (turns to Nuriko) What is it? I'm kinda in the middle of something. (gestures towards Chichiri with the fan in his mouth)
Chichiri: (waves weakly and smiles the best he can with Tasuki's fan in his mouth)
Nuriko: Oh, sorry... Well, I just wanted to say that you sure are brave, Tasuki...
Tasuki: (grins slyly and puffs out his chest) Oh really? Heh heh. (flexes his muscles slightly) How do you mean?
Nuriko: Well, I mean, you didn't even sweat after all those people saw you underneath Nakago and also when you gave Chichiri that goodbye kiss right before you were going to burn him to ashes.
Tasuki: "Goodbye kiss"?! That was the Kiss of Death you idiot!
Nuriko: Sure it was.
Tasuki: (glares at Nuriko for a second, then blinks confusedly) What do you mean, "all those people"?
Nuriko: You know, the audience! (gestures towards the Audience) All those people saw what you did with Nakago and Chichiri.
Tasuki: (stares at the Audience, frightened) All... of... them? (gulps) Th... there's got to be at least a thousand of them out there...
Nuriko: Oh come on, there's not that many...
Tasuki: (relaxes slightly) Yeah, I guess you're right...
Nuriko: Yeah, you were forgetting about all the people at home watching right now! I mean, there's got to be millions of people watching you right now!
Tasuki: (drops his fan, is paralyzed with fear)
Chichiri: (gives Nuriko a thumbs-up and sneaks off over to where Tamahome, Yui, and Miaka are standing)
Miaka: (is holding a clipboard and pen)
Yui: (is filling a bag with assorted weapons and firearms)
Miaka: Uzi.
Yui: (picks up a gun from a huge pile of weapons sitting next to her) Check. (drops gun in bag)
Miaka: (checks something off on paper on the clipboard) Lead pipe.
Yui: (picks up pipe and drops it in the bag) Check.
Miaka: (checks it off) Cattle prod.
Yui: (picks it up, drops it in the bag) Check.
Miaka: (checks it off) Butcher knife.
Yui: (nods) Check.
Miaka: Whip and mace?
Yui: Double check.
Miaka: Meat hook.
Yui: Yup.
Miaka: Hockey mask.
Yui: Hockey mask? (looks at Miaka questionably)
Miaka: (nods)
Yui: (shrugs and looks through pile of weapons, picks up mask and puts it in bag) Check. Anything else?
Miaka: (looks at checklist questionably) N2 mine? (looks at Yui)
Yui: (shrugs and looks through the pile, pulls out nuclear-bomb-shaped object clearly marked 'N2 Mine')
Boy: (walks up to Miaka and Yui) Uh, hi. My name's Shinji. (motions to N2 mine) That's mine... can I have it back?
Yui: (looks at Miaka)
Miaka: (shrugs)
Yui: (hands N2 mine to Shinji) Whatever.
Shinji: (nods and takes N2 mine) Thanks. (runs off)
Yui: So, do we have everything?
Miaka: (nods) I think so.
Yui: (picks up bag) Okay, let's go.
Miaka: (goes over to Tamahome and kisses him on the cheek) Don't worry sweetie, Yui and I will take care of that mean, nasty Soi who's trying to steal you away!
Tamahome: But I don't like Soi!
Yui: Not after we're done with her, you won't!
Miaka and Yui: (runs offstage in the same direction Soi and Nakago went)
Tamahome: But...
Tasuki: (shakes nervously, still staring at the Audience) M... millions? Of p-people watching me?
Nuriko: Yup! I bet even Hotohori, Chiriko, and Mitsukake are watching! (waves to the camera) Hi guys!
Tasuki: (gulps)
Nuriko: Oh, what are you so worried about anyway? That people are going to think you're gay or something? (laughs)
Tasuki: (stares at the Audience, scared and nervous) I'm n-not gay...
Nuriko: It's okay, you don't have to pretend anymore! We're all friends here! With the exception of that guy. (points at a sinister-looking guy in the second row)
Sinister-Looking Guy: (glares)
Nuriko: You don't have to keep it in anymore Tasuki. Just be who you really are inside.
Tasuki: (relaxes a little) You're right Nuriko, it's time I showed my true self. (to Everyone) All right! I admit it! I am gay!
Everyone: (gasps)
Nuriko: (looks at Tasuki) Oh my gosh! I was just kidding! You mean you really are gay!?
Tasuki: (eyes get huge) What?! No, no, of course not! I was just kidding!
Audience: (murmurs)
Tasuki: (angrily at Audience) Hey, HEY! I said I was just kidding! I am NOT gay! It was a publicity stunt! I'M NOT GAY!! (picks up his fan and points it at the Audience) RREKKAA SHINNE-
Nuriko: Calm down Tasuki... we know you were just kidding... (to Audience) Isn't that right?
Audience: (nods in unison)
Tasuki: Okay okay... (walks over to Tamahome and Chichiri)
Nuriko: (winks at Audience as soon as Tasuki's back is turned)
Audience: (laughs hysterically)
Tasuki: (turns around and points fan at Audience) Hey! What are you laughing -
Audience: (is absolutely silent)
Cricket: (chirps)
Tasuki: - at. (blinks)
Host: (is offstage drinking a cup of coffee and reading a newspaper)
Assistant Guy: (walks up to Host) Umm... excuse me...
Host: (looks up from newspaper) Huh? What is it?
Assistant Guy: Umm... well, you see... (looks really nervous) The producers... of the show... they think that maybe... you know... it's just a suggestion, but... they thought maybe you should... you know... go back to hosting the show?
Host: Hmmm... (looks at the Assistant Guy, then looks towards the stage, then back at the guy) You're probably right... (stretches slowly, then makes his way back towards the stage, to both teams) All right, come on, enough fun and games, we have a game to play here people! (watches the team members take their places, looks at the teams and blinks) Where's the rest of them?
Suboshi: (stares blankly, hand where Yui's shoulder used to be)
Host: (to Red Team) Where's Miaka?
Tamahome: (quietly) She fought against one of the Seiryuu Seven... just before you got here.
Host: (eyes go slightly wider) What?!
Tamahome: Huh? (blinks, thinks about what he just said) Oh heh I mean... She went with Yui to find Soi who ran off with Nakago through that door over there. (points at door)
Host: (sighs angrily and heads towards door, hesitates for a moment and turns towards both teams) Don't move or go anywhere until I get back. Understand?
Both Teams: (nod)
Host: (turns back towards door, opens it, walks through it, and shuts it behind him)
Chichiri: (to Tasuki) Hey Tasuki, look at the end of your fan, no da.
Tasuki: (blinks) What? Why?
Chichiri: Just do it, no da.
Tasuki: (points fan at face and looks at it) Oookay.
Chichiri: Now say "N".
Tasuki: (raises an eyebrow) "N"? Wh-
Fan: (shoots out flames directly into Tasuki's face)
Tasuki: -y... (coughs out smoke)
Chichiri: Rule #3 of the Magic Users Handbook: "Always finish any spell you're casting or else be sure to cast a cancellation spell; Otherwise, your own magic could be used against you."
Tamahome and Nuriko: (try not to laugh at Tasuki)
Chichiri: (tries not to grin)
Tasuki: (grabs Chichiri's collar and glares at him angrily)You're going to pay for that! (shoves fan into Chichiri's stomach)
Chichiri: Hey, wait, calm down! Think about what you're doing no da!
Tasuki: I know exactly what I'm doin'! (hears laughing behind him, whirls around and points fan at Tamahome and Tasuki) You two better shut up before I fry ya!
Nuriko: Jeez, just calm down, Gay Boy.
Everyone: (laughs)
Tasuki: Shut up! I'm not gay!!
Everyone: (laughs harder)
Tasuki: Shut up! Stop laughing! Don't make me fry all of you!
Everyone: (keeps laughing)
Tasuki: (tears start to well up in eyes) C'mon... it's not funny... (wipes tears away) Stop being so mean...
Everyone: (stops laughing and looks at Tasuki sympathetically except Tamahome)
Tamahome: Boo hoo hoo! We made the big baby cry! You're such a wuss Tasuki!
Tasuki: (lip trembles)
Everyone: (looks at Tamahome angrily)
Chichiri: That was really mean no da!
Nuriko: Really! We were just kidding around! You don't know when you've gone too far...
Tamahome: But... I... I was just trying to be funny... that's all...
Tasuki: You're such a jerk, Tamahome.
Tamahome: I just thought... (trails off)
Everyone: (is mad at Tamahome)
Tamahome: (to Tasuki) Look, I'm sorry...
Tasuki: (turns his back to Tamahome)
Everyone: (sits in silence)
Host: (bursts out through the door he had gone through earlier and slams it behind him, clothes are all torn up, breathing heavily)
Everyone: (looks at Host)
Host: (looks at Everyone, bewildered) It's a battlefield in there! (gasps for breath) I... didn't think I'd make it out alive!
Nuriko: (unemotionally) Uh oh, Miaka might be in trouble... quick, all of us, let's go rescue her... (starts filing his nails)
Red Team: (shows no intention of going anywhere)
Tasuki: (sighs) Come on... we should probably do something...
Tamahome: (sighs) Yeah, you're probably right...
Chichiri: (stretches slowly and yawns) All right... let's go save Miaka... AGAIN...
Red Team: (trudges off slowly towards the door)
Nuriko: You'd think she'd be able to get out of these situations herself...
Chichiri: Knowing her, they've probably taken a meat pie hostage and she can't bring herself to leave without it no da.
Red Team: (chuckles)
Tamahome: (goes to the door and opens it)
Host: I wouldn't go in there if I were you...
Tamahome: (shrugs and walks through the doorway)
Tasuki: (follows him)
Chichiri: (yawns again and walks through doorway)
Nuriko: (steps into doorway)
Amiboshi: Hey, wait! (runs over to Nuriko) I'm coming with you.
Nuriko: I think we can handle it... you stay here and entertain the audience. (walks through doorway)
Amiboshi: But...
Nuriko: (shuts door)
Amiboshi: (sighs and trudges back towards the stage and takes out his flute, starts playing)
Audience: (starts booing)
Amiboshi: (keeps playing)
Some Guy: Get off the stage!
Someone Else: (throws a shoe at Amiboshi)
Amiboshi: (dodges shoe, keeps playing)
Woman: Shut up!
Amiboshi: (plays several long, obnoxious, really high notes)
Audience: (murmurs angrily)
Amiboshi: (finishes his song and bows) Thank you.
Audience: (boos louder)
Host: (claps)
Audience: (throws a barrage of shoes at Amiboshi and the Host)
Amiboshi: (plays a long high note)
Shoes: (hover in midair for a second, then drop to the ground)
Amiboshi: (smiles at the Audience)
Audience: (boos)
Amiboshi: (lip trembles, turns and walks towards Suboshi) You people are mean...
Host: (looks at the shoes on the ground) Hey, there's a nice pair! (picks up pair of shoes)
Audience Member: Hey! Those are my shoes!
Host: (hides shoes under shirt) What shoes?
Audience Member: The ones you just hid under your shirt!
Host: Oh. Those shoes. (takes shoes out from under shirt and drops them on the ground, walks away disappointed)
Red Team: (walks out through door, Miaka and Yui are clamped onto Tamahome's arms and Nuriko is dragging Nakago by the cape and Soi by the hair)
Nakago and Soi: (both look really beat up, clothes are torn, both have bloody noses, Nakago has a black eye, both have spiral eyes)
Nuriko: (drags Nakago and Soi over to Amiboshi_ Umm, here. (drops them there and heads back towards the Red Team)
Amiboshi: Uh, thanks... (sweatdrops)
Host: (looks at Nakago and Soi, then turns to the Red Team and Yui) Did... you guys do that to them?
Yui: Actually, no. They beat the crap out of each other for us. It was kinda funny...
Miaka: Yui! They're your seishi!
Yui: So? It doesn't mean I have to like them, does it?
Miaka: Maybe you're right...! (points at Chichiri) In that case, I don't like you! (smiles)
Chichiri: (looks at Miaka angrily) Fine. (turns) I'm leaving.
Miaka: Wait! Don't go! I... I was just kidding!
Chichiri: (sarcastically) Oh, in that case, I might as well just stay here since you were only kidding about hating me, no da!
Miaka: (sighs relieved) Good, I thought you were actually going to leave...
Chichiri: (stares at her, twitches) I... was... being sarcastic...
Miaka: (eyes start to tear up) You mean you really are going to leave me? I thought you liked me! (sniffs)
Chichiri: Hey! You're the one who said you didn't like me no da! Why should I stay?! (turns and starts to walk offstage)
Miaka: (bawls) My own seishi is abandoning meee! (cries)
Chichiri: (tries to ignore Miaka)
Miaka: (cries harder) Chichiri's leaving me!
Chichiri: (to self) Shut up Miaka... (pace slows)
Miaka: (cries louder)
Chichiri: (eye twitches, stops walking and turns around to face Miaka) Alright, ALRIGHT!! I won't leave! Are you happy now?!
Miaka: (stops crying instantly) Yea! (smiles at him)
Chichiri: (drags his feet while he walks slowly back to Miaka) Stupid miko... (grins, under his breath) I will put squid in your popcorn. (starts laughing evilly)
Miaka: (blinks, shrugs, and starts laughing too)
Everyone: (laughs with them)
Tasuki: (to Nuriko, quietly) Why are we laughing? (laughs with Everyone)
Nuriko: (shrugs and keeps laughing)
Everyone: (slowly stops laughing)
Host: Woo... (wipes a tear from his eye) Anyway, why don't we continue the game?
Tamahome: (stands amid a group of girls fawning over him) Aww, do we have to?
Miaka and Yui: (glare at him) YES.
Tamahome: (sighs) Fiiine... (looks at one of the girls and smiles) I'll call YOU later. (winks)
Girl: (faints)
Miaka and Yui: (grind their teeth)
Both Teams: (take their places)
Yui: Hey! Two of my seishi are unconscious, and one is in a trance or something! (waves hand in front of Suboshi's face)
Suboshi: (stands there)
Yui: (to Host) I can't beat Miaka with them like this!! (sticks out bottom lip)
Miaka: (grins widely) Does that mean you forfeit?
Yui: (glares) NO! (glares at Nakago and kicks him) WAKE UP!!
Nakago: (rubs his head) Oww... (blinks and stands up shakily)
Yui: (takes Amiboshi's flute)
Amiboshi: Hey! That's mine!
Yui: (goes over to Soi and pokes her with the flute) Eeeww... wake up!
Soi: (blinks a couple times, looks at Yui angrily) Hey! Don't poke me there!!
Everyone: (looks at Yui)
Yui: What are you talking about? I poked your arm!
Soi: Right, and I said don't poke me there!
Nakago: That's Soi's "special area".
Soi: (stands up and kicks Nakago in the shin) You told!!
Host: (sweatdrops) Can we... uh... just play the game please?
Soi: (glares at Nakago)
Yui: (takes her place with her shoulder under Suboshi's hand)
Suboshi: (stares blankly, hand on Yui's shoulder)
Nakago: (stands next to Yui)
Amiboshi: (stands nervously between Nakago and Soi)
Host: Okay, we left off with it being Yui's turn to spin the... (dramatic music plays) ...Wheel of Sacrifice!!
Yui: Crap, I thought he forgot about that...
Nakago: Don't worry Lady Yui, I'll spin it for you. (walks towards the Wheel of Sacrifice, looks at it and gulps slightly) Help me, Seiryuu. (spins the Wheel of Sacrifice with all his might)
Everyone: (watches the wheel spin)
Wheel of Sacrifice: (slows down)
Nakago: (gulps, watches wheel)
Wheel of Sacrifice: (slows down, slowly passes spaces on wheel labeled 'Scorpion Pit' and 'Lava Dive')
Nakago: (trembles slightly)
Wheel of Sacrifice: (passes 'Lion Taming', 'Alligator Wrestling', and 'Acid Bath')
Nakago: (bites lip, closes eyes, quietly) Help me Seiryuu...
Yui: (takes out a nail file)
Suboshi: (stares blankly, hand on Yui's shoulder)
Red Team: (looks around, bored)
Wheel of Sacrifice: (slows down more...)
Nakago: (holds his breath)
Wheel of Sacrifice: (slows down more, passes 'Human Lightning Rod')
Nakago: (is still holding his breath)
Wheel of Sacrifice: (very, very slowly passes 'Crate of Spiders')
Nakago: (turns slightly blue)
Wheel of Sacrifice: (inches towards 'Get Off Scotch-Free!')
Nakago: (turns purple, eyes bug out ever so slightly)
Wheel of Sacrifice: (reaches 'Get Off Scotch-Free!' and stops)
Red Team: Awwwwww!
Yui: (keeps filing her nails)
Nakago: (gasps for breath, breathes deeply and heavily)
Wheel of Sacrifice: (turns back just so slightly to 'Crate of Spiders')
Nakago: (eyes go wide) What? No!
Host: (walks over to Nakago and wheel) Oh, too bad, it appears that you landed on Crate of Spiders!
Red Team: (cheers)
Host: First of all, you'll be covered with flies and other assorted bugs that are favorites to these spiders! Then you'll be put in a crate and the lid will be nailed on! Finally, the spiders will be poured in through a hole in the top of the lid!
Audience and Red Team: (cheer)
Nakago: (glares at Host, starts glowing blue, raises his hand towards Host and starts forming a chi ball) I don't think so.
Host: But those are the rules.
Nakago: (smirks wickedly and gets ready to launch a chi blast) Oh really?
Host: (gulps, eyes go wide) Uh, I mean... (chuckles nervously) I... I was just kidding about the spiders and the crate and the bugs! Just a joke and all! (laughs nervously)
Nakago: (smiles cruelly and lowers his hand) That's what I thought.
Tamahome: Yawn! This is boring! Can we do something else?
Miaka: I'm hungry!
Nakago: (walks back over to Blue Team)
Suboshi: (stares blankly, hand on Yui's shoulder) vHost: Okay, now it's time for the Red Team's second question. This one is for Tamahome.
Tamahome: What? Why do I have to do anything? Do I have to?
Host: YES.
Tamahome: (groans) Fine...
Host: Okay, here's your question: What is Soi's surname? Is it (a) Kean, (b) Kaen, (c) Whore -
Soi: (glares)
Host: - or (d) Soi?
Tamahome: Oh, that's easy! It's -
Miaka: You actually know her last name?! I bet you don't even know MY last name!!
Tamahome: Of course I do! It's, umm... Hongo or something...
Miaka: That's Yui's!! I can't believe you don't know my last name but you know Soi's and Yui's!
Tamahome: No, no, come on! I was just kidding! Give me another chance!
Miaka: (taps her foot impatiently)
Tamahome: Um... (thinks) ...Araki?
Miaka: No! That's my seiyuu's name!
Tamahome: Right... I knew that!
Host: What's a seiyuu? (blinks)
Nuriko: You know, a voice actor, the person who does a character's voice on an animated show...
Host: (gives Nuriko a puzzled look)
Nuriko: (sighs) Never mind...
Tamahome: Umm, let's see... it's not Kinomoto, it isn't Katsuragi or Masaki... is it Shidou?
Miaka: (glares at him)
Tamahome: I meant err um Saotome?
Miaka: (glares)
Tamahome: Himura? Asagiri? Morisato? Ikari?
Miaka: I'm waiting.
Tamahome: (sighs) I give up. I have no idea what your last name is, Miaka.
Miaka: (angrily) It's Yuuki.
Tamahome: Really? (laughs slightly) Man, I was way off!
Miaka: (kicks Tamahome in the shin)
Tamahome: (clutches shin, cries) Itai...
Host: Ahem... will you just answer the question?
Tamahome: Could you repeat it for me?
Host: What is Soi's surname? Is it (a) Kean, (b) Kaen, (c) Whore, or (d) Soi?
Tamahome: Hmmm... Soi Kean? ...No... Soi Kaen? Maybe. Soi Whore -
Soi: (glares) You shouldn't even have to think about that one, you dumbass. (glares more)
Tamahome: Eh heh heh... (sweatdrops) ...or is it Soi Soi?
Miaka: I thought you said you knew the answer...
Tamahome: Actually, I was lying! So that must mean I love you more than Soi, Miaka! (smiles)
Miaka: No, that just means that you like to lie to me and that you can't remember names worth crap!
Tamahome: (smile fades) Ohh.
Host: Can I have an answer today please??
Tamahome: Okay, okay... it's definitely not C...
Tasuki: Are you sure about that? (laughs)
Soi: (glares furiously at Tasuki)
Lightning Bolt: (strikes Tasuki)
Amiboshi: (sweatdrops) Gee, Soi, don't you think that was a little severe? I mean, you are a whore, there's no denying that...
Soi: (glares) Do you want to join him, flute boy?
Amiboshi: (bites lip and shakes his head)
Tamahome: And I'm pretty sure it's not D, because that would just be stupid... so the answer has to be either A or B... I'm not sure which it is... umm... let's see... A... B... Soi Kean or Soi Kaen... (hums Jeopardy music) Kean... Kaen... (looks at Soi) Hmm... is she a Kean or a Kaen... A or B... (to Host) Can I consult with team members?
Host: Not unless you want the other team to automatically win...
Tamahome: A... B... I can't decide! It's, umm, it's... A! Wait! No, no... it's B? Uhh...
Chichiri: (twitches, through clearly clenched teeth) Just answer it already!
Tamahome: (all whiny) I'm thinking!
Chichiri: (eye gets huge) Think faster! I'm going insane!
Tamahome: Coool...
Chichiri: (through clenched teeth) If you don't guess now, I will kill you.
Tamahome: Uh, jeez... (looks slightly scared) Okay, my answer is... (pauses)
Everyone: (waits for Tamahome's answer)
Chichiri: (starts to shake angrily)
Tamahome: (looks at Chichiri nervously)
Nuriko: (takes a couple side steps away from Chichiri)
Tamahome: B!! I choose B!
Chichiri: (relaxes)
Host: Is that your final answer?
Tamahome: (nods)
Host: That is...
Yui and Tamahome: (hold their breath)
Host: Absolutely correct!!!!
Tamahome: YESSS!!
Yui: NOO!
Host: The Red Team gets its second gold star. They're in the lead right now with two gold stars. The Blue Team currently has none.
Yui: I hate this stupid game!
Host: BUT they now have another chance at getting their first gold star. This question is for Suboshi.
Suboshi: (stares blankly, hand on Yui's shoulder)
Host: Suboshi, your question is... (looks at his question card and blinks) What? This must be a mistake... (looks at card again) This can't be right... (to Everyone) Hang on a second, I need to go ask the producer something... (walks offstage and over to a guy, shows guy question) Is this some kind of joke?
Producer: (looks at card) I don't think so. It's a legitimate question.
Host: But... even an idiot knows the answer!
Producer: Just ask the question.
Host: (sighs) Fine... (walks back onstage, walks over to Blue Team) Okay Suboshi, here's your question. (reads card slowly) How many letters are there in the English word... "cat"? (sweatdrops) Is it (a) 2, (b) 3, (c) 4, or (d) none of the above?
Red Team: What?!
Nuriko: That's not fair!
Tasuki: Give them all the easy ones!
Miaka: I know the answer!
Tamahome: See! Even Miaka can answer it!
Miaka: (looks at Tamahome) Hey!
Chichiri: You're making this up, no da!
Host: It's... what the card says... (looks at Suboshi) Well, hurry up and answer already...
Suboshi: (stares blankly, hand on Yui's shoulder)
Everyone: (waits)
Yui: Umm... Suboshi? (waves hand in front of his face) Yoohoo... are you alive?
Suboshi: (stares blankly, hand on Yui's shoulder)
Host: Err...
Yui: (sweatdrops) I think you should probably ask someone else... eh heh...
Host: Right... well, the correct answer was B, just for anyone that didn't know...
Tasuki: It was? (sweatdrops) Heh... I thought it was C...
Host: (stares at Tasuki for a moment) Right... (turns back towards Blue Team) Okay, since Suboshi appears to be unable to answer...
Suboshi: (stares blankly, hand on Yui's shoulder)
Host: Nakago will receive a chance to win a gold star for the Blue Team.
Nakago: Do not worry, Lady Yui, I will not fail you.
Yui: Yeah, you better not. I'm not letting Miaka win this game!
Host: Are you ready Nakago?
Nakago: (nods)
Host: Here's your question. How much money would you have if you had exactly 1,293,681.4 United States quarters? Is the answer (a) $420,325.35 (b) $332,420.35 (c) $323,420.35 or (d) $402,323.35?
Nakago: (blinks) United what?
Yui: United States quarters. A form of currency used in America.
Nakago: How could I know that?? I've never even been to... Ah-mer-ih-kuh. This isn't fair.
Yui: I'm Nakago, bitch, bitch, bitch. (frowns at him) I thought you said you were smart.
Nakago: I am! Really!
Yui: Uh huh, right...
Host: Can you guys hurry it up? We're behind schedule...
Nakago: I'm thinking, I'm thinking!
Tamahome: Come on, come on! This is so easy!
Nakago: Shut up! I was never good at math... (thinks) Let's see... carry the two... no, wait, that's not right...
Tamahome: It' so simple!
Chichiri: Boy, I wish I had 1,293,681.4 quarters, no da.
Nuriko: (raises eyebrow) Why??
Chichiri: (shrugs) Just so I could say I had that many, no da.
Nakago: Now multiply that by five... or do you divide?
Amiboshi: Is there such a thing as 0.4 of a quarter?
Host: (shrugs) I just read the questions.
Yui: Hurry up!
Tamahome: This is so incredibly easy! Even a complete moron could answer it!
Miaka: I could answer it!
Yui: Are you almost done?! Even Miaka knows the answer!
Nakago: I... I'm still working on it... hang on...
Tamahome: Hey slowpoke! Math retard! Hurry it up!
Miaka: Yeah, you moron!
Soi: Loser!
Tasuki: Freak!
Yui: Blonde!
Chichiri: Imbecile!
Nuriko: Weakling!
Host: Idiot!
Amiboshi: Pathetic excuse for a villain!
Suboshi: (stares blankly, hand on Yui's shoulder)
Nakago: (eyes start to tear up) I... I don't like being pressured...
Everyone: (chants) Faster! Faster!
Nakago: (bottom lip quivers, room starts to spin around, shuts his eyes as tight as he can) I... I...
Everyone: (chants) ANSWER!!
Nakago: (scared and nervous) Alright, alright! The... the answer is...
Everyone: (stares at him with black, soulless eyes)
Nakago: (very quietly and nervously) The answer is C.
Host: Come again?
Nakago: THE ANSWER IS C!
Everyone: (blinks at the outburst)
Nakago: Well? Am I right? (takes a small step away from Yui)
Host: (looks at card) Hmm.
Nakago: (holds his breath)
Host: Hmmmmmm. (studies his card intensely) Hm hm hmm. Hmmm.
Nakago: (eyebrow twitches)
Host: Well.
Nakago: (eyes bug out ever so slightly)
Host: The answer -
Nakago: (eyes bug out just a little more)
Host: -is -
Nakago: (face turns a little red)
Host: ...hmm...
Nakago: (face turns darker red)
Host: The answer is...
Nakago: (makes his hands into fists, clenches and unclenches them)
Host: Hm.
Nakago: (bites his lip, turns a nice shade of violet)
Host: It says on my card...
Nakago: (eyes twitch)
Host: The card I hold here in my hand... (proceeds to hold up the card and show it to the Audience)
Nakago: (arms twitch uncontrollably)
Host: It says on the card that I hold in my hand that the answer is...
Nakago: (turns orange)
Host: (strokes his chin, deep in thought)
Nakago: (turns magenta)
Host: Can I get a drum roll? That'd be a nice effect.
Nakago: (grips his neck and proceeds to turn the following colors while accompanied by a nice drum roll: deep bluish purple, which slowly changes to bright yellow, followed by a strange grayish green color, then to red polka dots on a white background, then to a green and blue plaid pattern, then purple with orange swirls, followed by a rainbow pattern)
Host: (silences the drum roll) Alright, that's enough.
Nakago: (looks as though he is very near the point of bursting)
Host: (unenthusiastically) The answer was C. He was right.
Nakago: (gasps for large quantities of air)
Yui: (grins and jumps up and down while clapping her hands) Yippee!
Host: The Blue Team gets one gold star.
Miaka: (looks around and blinks) Huh? What's on my face?
Yui: I got a gold star!
Chichiri: Actually, Nakago got the gold star. You did squat, no da.
Yui: (glares at him) Fine then, my team got a gold star.
Miaka: That's okay, I'm sure you'll catch up eventually. Maybe you'll even beat us.
Red Team: (exchanges glances and bursts out laughing)
Yui: (lip quivers angrily) S-SHUT UP! (glares at Red Team and crosses her arms)
Staff Boy: (walks on to stage and over to Host, says something into his ear and points at his watch)
Host: (with disbelief and surprise) Really?
Staff Boy: (nods)
Host: (breathes a sigh of relief and exhaustion) Finally.
Staff Boy: (walks offstage)
Host: (smiles uncontrollably as he addresses Both Teams and the Audience) I have been alerted by the producer...
Amiboshi: That kid was the producer?
Yui: (rolls her eyes) No, you dummy, that was just a Staff Boy.
Amiboshi: Really? How can you tell he wasn't an Assistant or a Coffee Boy?
Yui: It says so in the script.
Amiboshi: Ohh. That makes sense.
Host: (blinks a few times before continuing) ...that we have to go to a commercial break.
Audience: (stands up and cheers)
Host: (over Audience noise) We'll be back with more Seishi Feud and team member interviews after these messages from our sponsors. (smiles and waits for the cameras to go off)
Assistant: (calls out) Four minutes!
Tamahome: Four minutes until what?
Nuriko: Four minutes until we come back from commercial break.
Assistant: (calls out) No! Four minutes to see if we're going to be canceled or not!
Nuriko: Oh.
Tamahome: (sweatdrops) They can tell already? This is only our first break.
Chichiri: The ratings people are tough when it comes to game shows, no da.
Tasuki: How do you know?
Chichiri: Ummmm... (quickly, in a suspicious manner) noreason.
Host: (sighs and pulls an already lit cigarette out of his shirt pocket)
Tamahome: (looks at Host) There are so many questions I could ask right now... the main one being: Why isn't your shirt on fire?
Host: (looks at his shirt and shrugs)
Miaka: (to Host, in an annoying, little-kid manner) Hey, don't you know that cigarettes are bad for you? There might be little kids out there watching you right now. You're setting a bad example!
Host: (sighs) You're right, Suzie.
Miaka: (glares) My name's Miaka.
Host: Whatever. (to Audience) Listen kids, smoking is very bad for you. If someone offers you a cigarette, just say no.
Yui: Wow, that was probably the most educational and redeeming part of the whole fic so far.
Suboshi: (stares blankly, hand on Yui's shoulder)
Amiboshi: (to Soi) You haven't said anything for a while. Are you okay?
Nakago: Maybe she's dead.
Soi: (glares at Nakago and opens her mouth to say something) S--
Assistant: (interrupts) One minute!
Soi: (glares at the Assistant and opens her mouth to say something) W--
Chichiri: For our ratings?
Assistant: No, for you to get ready to come back from commercial break.
Soi: (glares at both of them and opens her mouth to say something) H--
Miaka: Already? I want something to eat!
Soi: (glares at Miaka) D--
Amiboshi: Hey Soi! You know what i was thinking? We -
Soi: (glares at Amiboshi)
Amiboshi: -could -
Soi: (electricity builds up around her)
Amiboshi: (gulps) ...never mind.
Yui: (to Assistant) How will we know if the show is canceled or not?
Assistant: If they cancel us, they'll shut off the electricity and possibly lock all of the doors, windows, and air vents. (looks at his watch) We're on in five! ...four! ...three! ...two! ...one! Now!
Cameras: (start rolling)
Host: Welcome back to -
Lights: (shut off)
Someone: OH MY GOD! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!
Someone Else: No we're not.
Someone: Oh. My mistake.
Yui: We got canceled?! But I didn't beat Miaka yet!
Assistant: Just kidding!
Lights: (come back on)
Everyone: (glares at Assistant)
Assistant: (meekly) Sorry.
Host: Anyway, welcome back to Seishi Feud. The Red Team is currently winning with a score of two to one over the Blue Team. We're going to take time now to introduce the team members from both sides. (walks over to the Red Team)
Yui: Hey! Why does Miaka's team get to be interviewed first?!
Miaka: Because we're better!
Tamahome: Because we're winning!
Chichiri: Because we're smarter! (looks at his Teammates and sweatdrops) Well, at least I'm smarter.
Tasuki: Because red comes before blue!
Nuriko: Because - (looks at Tasuki) What did you say?
Tasuki: Red comes before blue.
Nuriko: How do you figure that one?
Tasuki: Red has three letters and blue has four. That would make red come before blue. (smiles with childish delight)
Nuriko: (stares at Tasuki)
Host: ...SOO, since we introduced the Mikos at the beginning of the show, we'll skip Miaka and go to Tamahome. It says here -
Tamahome: Here? Where's 'here'?
Host: ...On my card.
Tamahome: (looks at Host suspiciously) What card?
Host: The one in my hand!
Tamahome: (looks at the card in his hand) Oh. Okay. Continue.
Host: It says here that you're an avid money collector and someday you want to marry Miaka. How -
Tamahome: Shh. Not so loud. (looks down at the ground, ashamed)
Host: -sweet. Would you like to add anything to that?
Tamahome: Yes. I'm an Asian male, seventeen, I like money, candle lit dinners, and long walks on the beach. I'm looking for friendship, possibly more. My phone number is -
Miaka: Hey!!
Tamahome: (shrugs) It was worth a shot... I'm also fluent in Japanese!
Host: (takes a deep breath) Oookay. (to Chichiri) Let's see. It says that you're a very skilled monk and when you were younger, you killed your best friend over a girl. (to Producer) Hey, I thought we screened people for this show!
Producer: (shrugs) Not my job.
Host: (to Chichiri) Well, do you have anything to add to that? (adds quietly) Murderer.
Chichiri: (blinks back tears) Hikou... I wasn't even thinking about that. It... it wasn't my fault! I didn't mean to... (bottom lip quivers)
Host: Sure you didn't. Next person... pyro boy.
Tasuki: (waits for Host to continue, looks at him questioningly when he doesn't)
Host: (shrugs) That's all it says. (to Nuriko) And last we have the freakishly strong cross dresser.
Nuriko: Can I add anything?
Host: (thinks) Mmm... no.
Nuriko: (crestfallen) Oh.
Host: Now it's time to meet the losers... I mean, the Blue Team!
Yui: (dryly) Nice cover up.
Host: (smiles) I thought so too! It says here that Suboshi tends to have an explosive anger and that he would protect Yui, even if it would result in his own death. Isn't that sweet. Do you have anything to add to that, Suboshi?
Suboshi: (closes his eyes sagely, his hand still on Yui's shoulder, and finishes his sentence) ...together.
Host: (blinks) What? That doesn't make any sense.
Suboshi: Huh? (looks around) We're still here?
Host: (to Nakago) It says here that you are the head of the Kutou army, and (squints at his card) that your favorite band is... (coughs, tries not laugh) NSYNC. (bursts out laughing)
Everyone: (laughs at Nakago)
Nakago: WHAT?!? I DO NOT! Give me that! (grabs the Host's card, reads over it to self) Army of Kutou, favorite band NSYNC... (looks at the card closer) Hey! (glares at Tamahome) This is your handwriting!
Tamahome: Nuh-uh.
Nakago: Yes it is! Don't lie!
Tamahome: Fine. I did it. You know what else I did? (holds up a CD) Hmm, what could this be? Chichiri, could you read what it says on this CD?
Chichiri: Certainly. (reads CD) It appears to be an NSYNC CD... property of... (grins) I can't seem to make out the name. Nuriko? Could you read it please?
Nuriko: (grins) I'd be delighted. Let's see... it says... property of Nakago.
Everyone: (laughs)
Nakago: (hisses to Tamahome) Where did you get that?!
Tamahome: (takes the CD in his hands and bends it back and forth)
Nakago: (whispers angrily) If you break it, I'll kill you! Give it back!
Tamahome: Hmm? What was that?
Nakago: (starts to glow)
Tamahome: Now now, if you so much as touch me, then snap! It's bye bye bye, CD.
Nakago: You wouldn't.
Tamahome: Try me.
Nakago: (charges up a chi blast)
Everyone: (takes cover)
Tamahome: Don't push me.
Nakago: Oh, I don't plan on pushing you. Maiming you maybe, killing you even, but not pushing.
Tamahome: That's it, say farewell to Lance, J.C., Joey, Chris, and Justin. (breaks the CD in half with a loud SNAP!)
Nakago: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Tamahome: (drops the pieces on the ground)
Nakago: (tears stream down his face) How could you! How could you...
Miaka: (picks up one of the CD pieces) Hey, wait a minute, this doesn't say 'Property of Nakago', it says 'Property of -
Tamahome: No, Miaka, don't say it!!
Miaka: -Genrou'.
Tasuki: (blinks) Wh-what? (looks at Tamahome, then at the CD) That was... m-my CD? You broke... MY CD?? You broke... (bursts into tears)
Nakago: (glares at Tamahome, wipes away his tears) You lied to me and made me look like a fool. You are SO going down!
Tamahome: Eh-heh... gotta go!
Nakago: (lunges at Tamahome and manages to grab his collar)
Tamahome: Eek! Let me go! Someone help me!
Tasuki: (bawls)
Nakago: (drags Tamahome offstage)
Host: Hey! Where are you going? We have a show to do here!
Nakago: Don't worry, this will only take a second.
Tamahome: Isn't anyone going to help me??
Cricket: (chirps)
Person: (unknowingly steps on the Cricket)
Everyone: (waits)
Nakago: (comes back onstage, dusting himself off)
Host: Uhh... where's Tamahome?
Nakago: (ignores the question)
Tasuki: (sniffs while staring at the remnants of the broken CD)
Host: ...Now we're at the talented flute player, Amiboshi.
Suboshi: Talented? Ha!
Amiboshi: (glares at Suboshi) I liked you better when you weren't talking. (to Host) Can I play a song? I promise it won't take long.
Host: Well... (turns to Audience) What do you say?
Audience: NO!
Host: (sweatdrops, turns back to Amiboshi) Sorry. (to Soi) It says here that... I'd better not say anything unless I want to be electrocuted.
Soi: I don't think I need to add to that. (glares at no one in particular)
Host: (gulps) Well then, I guess we're ready to start the next part of our show.
Tamahome: (comes back on the stage, breathing heavily and looking very banged up and bruised) Heh... (pants) That was funny, Nakago... (pants) I really liked how you threw me into traffic like that... (pants) I'll get you back for this... (collapses onto the ground between Miaka and Chichiri)