Classification: Humor, parody of Wagner's Ring Cycle
Summary: Oh, geez...
Disclaimer: Fox and CC own this crew, doo dah, doo dah. Sue me and you'll be a fool, oh, de doo dah day.
With apoligies to Norse mythology and Richard Wagner.
Even more apologies to James Spero, whose synopsis of the Ring Cycle I have misused to such an extent.
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The three Potomaidens, Phoebe, Bambi, and Angela, guard a lump of alien gold in the depths of the Potomac. If it is taken and fashioned into a ring, it will bring the wearer all the power in the world. In order to take the gold, however, the taker must first renounce love.
From the realm of the Pentagon comes Cigarette Smoking Man, one of the Consortium, a race of white middle-aged men who dwell in that five-sided cavern. He falls in love with the Potomaidens, but they like their men younger and less weathered. CSM climbs the rock to get the gold. He renounces love--which is convenient, as the Potomaidens have already said they want nothing to do with him--and steals the gold. He takes the gold back to his apartment and forges a ring from it, then uses the ring to wield power over the fellow consortium members.
The chief elder becomes incensed at this turn of events and steals the ring from CSM in order to melt it down for dental work.
Meanwhile, Bill Mulder is wandering around in a storm after letting a spider-vomiting mutant murderer go free. He finds himself at the home of Teena, who takes him in and listens to his life story. They share a mysterious past; each was taken from a twin at birth and raised separately. This does not seem odd at all to them, and they wander off into the night.
Teena neglects to mention that she is married to CSM when this happens. CSM takes exception to this, and he and Bill prepare to fight for Teena's honor, such as it is.
Skinner, the chief of the FBI, instructs his favorite agent, Scully, to protect Bill in the battle to come. However, Section Chief Blevins disapproves of the incestuous relationship between Teena and Bill and he convinces Skinner to rescind his order.
Scully is angry at the news and defends Bill anyway. Skinner gives Scully a warning to follow orders or else.
Scully finds Teena and Bill wandering in the woods. She decides that Skinner cannot tell her what to do, so she promises to look after Teena just in case Bill gets killed, which he does. When Skinner finds out that Scully helped Teena, he becomes enraged and devises a suitable punishment: Scully will be placed in a hospital, surrounded by a ring of impenetrable plot devices that only a man with no sense can penetrate.
Meanwhile, Teena has given birth to Fox, who prefers to be called Mulder for obvious reasons. The child is given over to the consortium to raise. While Mulder grows up he is kept from all elements of common sense and he goes off to seek his fortune. He starts out by stealing the gold back from the Chief Elder's teeth and re-forging it into a ring.
The new ring has an extra feature; it causes the wearer to exhibit irritating mannerisms with his hands.
Mulder finds Scully on her hospital bed. He has never seen a rational person before and is fascinated. He makes his way through the plot devices by moving his left hand in front of his hair so many times that the plots develop holes large enough to walk through. Mulder tries to wake Scully with a kiss, but Carter, the head of the hospital, tells him that theirs is to be the perfect, non-sexual relationship. Mulder gives the magic thumbs-up sign in lieu of a kiss and Scully awakens.
She says farewell to any hope of scientific rational explanations and follows Mulder. As he prepares to ditch her in search of his long-lost sister, she gives him her blue Taurus as a pledge of her faith. Mulder tries to give her a key chain, but she takes the ill-fated ring instead.
Mulder arrives at the Hall of the Consortium, where he is met by the evil Krycek and his sister Marita. Krycek slips Mulder a potion to make him forget all about Scully and fall in love with Marita.
Scully's sister, Melissa, comes by to tell her that the FBI has gone to pieces since Scully left. If Scully will give up the ring and come back to work, Skinner might forgive her and make her the head of the whole FBI. But Scully values her promise, and the ring, and refuses.
Krycek and CSM meet to discuss how to get the ring from Scully. In the meantime, however, Mulder has taken care of this himself. He tries to get Scully to trade the ring for the key chain, but she refuses. Instead, he kisses her as a swarm of bees is released, and in the confusion that follows he steals the ring and gives it to Marita.
Scully is none too pleased about this turn of events.
Mulder goes out to hunt down Krycek and CSM. Angela, Phoebe, and Bambi stop him along the way and tease him, trying to get the ring back in exchange for the knowledge of CSM's whereabouts. Krycek comes up and stabs Mulder in the back.
Scully now knows that the world must be rid of the evil gold. She puts Mulder on a funeral pyre and drives the Taurus on top of it, singing "Joy to the World" loudly as the flames consume her and all of the FBI headquarters as well as the Pentagon.
The Potomaidens retrieve the gold.
But now, there's no one to play with them.
END
The Magic Fire may be sent to Meg at marguerite@swbell.net.
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