XVIII

The man is dead, his sword is fallen on the grass
and his brother on his knees beside him.
For days when they pass strangers will wonder at his gravestone,
and then for centuries after they will wonder no more.
--Centran eulogy, unknown author

First there were images. Of Seifer. Seifer fighting, Seifer smiling, Seifer laughing. In the one, short year he had been away from Garden, he seemed to have had fun. Real fun--and real joy. Watching Fujin and Raijin, possibly the most mismatched duo in the universe; learning, slowly, to take joy in the little things that Squall had never seemed to notice.

Then Siefer alarmed, hearing the news of the invasion coming to FH. Seifer fighting, Seifer hiding and watching, saving Squall. And the quest that followed, Seifer's pain and confusion on the bridge, the deep shame of what he had done to Squall in Galbadia. The hope when he saw the Ragnarok, how trying not to show weakness to the crew and wishing they would accept him almost tore him apart inside. Dark feelings when Squall had pulled his trick underneath Dyne's castle, the surprise he had felt when the crew made him their leader. The conflict he waged with himself, always. Guilt, pain, and the wish for redemption clashing inside him at all times. Until the Garden Festival, the dance with Quistis, and the knowledge that, no matter how hard he tried, he would never fit in. The deep, bitter regret that fueled the fight with Squall and his subsequent leavetaking. Leaving Fujin and Raijin behind, hoping that they would fare better than he did.

And then the talk with Bahamut, the knowledge of what he would have to do. The sort of resigned, half-terrified peace it brought him. and the regret--always regret as he had allowed Bahamut to transport him in the way of the GFs to Dyne's battlefield. Regret that he hadn't had more time--time to say things to his former friends and even former enemies, time to enjoy a bit more of the world.

Seifer... Squall thought.

Time slowed.

"Who is that?" came the reply, and if Squall had any idea where his physical body was he would have jumped.

You can... hear me? He listened carefully.

"Squall? It's... you?"

Yes. Squall paused. What is this?

"I don't know," Seifer thought. "You sound funny. Like you're inside my head, or something." A pause. "Are you?"

I think so. Seifer... Squall faltered for a moment. You're going to--

"Die? I know." Squall could have sworn he heard grim laughter. "What does it matter? The world won't be losing anything important."

...yes, it will be.

"It only sounds odd to hear that coming from you, Squall. Not reassuring."

It took a moment for Squall to find his "voice" again. I'm... I'm sorry.

"Sorry? What have you done to be sorry for?"

For... for not seeing that this was what you wanted to do. If I had known, I would have stopped it.

"Would you?" There was a pained pause. "Admit it, Squall. There isn't any room for me at Garden anymore. I've done to much for it to just be forgotten."

We could have learned to live with it. I did the same thing--

"But with you it was different. You never wanted to help Dyne. I went with the Sorceress by my own accord."

You were tricked. It wasn't your fault.

"It was." Seifer seemed to take a breath. "But this might pay you guys back a bit. I'm here to help you, whatever I have to do. Maybe some of you will finally learn to forgive me."

...I already have. I wish... I wish it could have turned out different, but...

"You're scaring me, Squall."

...sorry. I just have to say--

"Don't bother. I think I can guess the rest." Seifer seemed to straighten up. "At least I know I'll be remembered."

Forever. ...I promise.

A laugh. "Forever is a long time. You sure you're up for that?"

Squall was silent.

"At least I know I'm not alone," Seifer said. "I don't know if I could deal with this if I was." he sighed. "I really am sorry. For everything I said to you, and everything I did to you. If I could take it all back, I would. I really would."

Don't worry about it. Squall tried to put as much dismissal in the words as he could. I think this will put all that behind us.

"Then I think I'm ready. Squall, it's been a pleasure."

...I'll miss you.

"And I guess that concession makes it all worthwile." Laughter again, this time real. "Don't get too depressed, Squall. If you get much more serious you're going to kill yourself."

I won't.

"Then I guess I'll be seeing you someday. Hopefully sometime far away. Don't do anything stupid and die on me, okay?"

...I won't.

"Then I guess this is the end."

...most likely...

Time hiccoughed, then resumed its stately progress. Vaguely, Squall could sense Seifer steeling himself. A burst of motion, a flash of pain--then there was nothing, as the power of the Crystal Pillar consumed him.

"You have my profound apologies," came a voice, and Squall looked around. As he had suspected, Quezacotl was hanging in the air just in front of him. Actually, "air" would have been too strong a word--he was in a black netherworld that rivaled in bleakness any Dyne could have created. "We could have prevented this, but did not." A pause, and Quezacotl continued, regret in his words. "It should never have come to pass."

"Isn't it a bit late to apologize?" Squall asked dully.

"My friend, my soul itself aches for the deaths of those two. But it may be that their sacrifice has saved us all."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"I doubt much could erase the pain inside of you, young human. But your kind die quickly. You do not have the longevity or the resiliance of the Guardians. For this, I am sad. You will come to know many deaths in your time."

"What happened?"

"We owe you much. Though others of my kind would not agree, it is mainly because of you that we are still here. You... and him."

"What did you do?"

There was a gentle sense of amusement accompanying the voice when it responded. "I thought it might ease your heart a bit if I brought you to be with him in his final moments. Alas, I could provide no such balm for Bahamut's passing, or I would have gone myself to be with him. Their sacrifice will long be remembered among the Guardians."

"You say it could have been prevented." It was almost an accusation.

"We could have combated Dyne, killed him before our Bahamut and your Seifer were forced to. Our kind was... frightened by what we saw done to Naja. He was one of the greatest among us, and we were afraid. The corruption of a Guardian is not done lightly." There was a great sigh, more of a feeling than a sound, conveyed in Quezacotl's voice. "Tiamat... was Bahamut's mate. Even now she sings her greif... both for herself and for him. It is ironic, as you humans would say, for we aspire to hold few such conceptions: Tiamat's corruption weakened him enough to force him to this drastic end, and Bahamut's death weakened her enough that she allowed herself to fall into corruption. The world works in mysterious ways, sometimes not even visible to us. Sometimes."

"What would have happened? If Seifer was still alive?" Squall asked it hesitantly, not sure why he had thought to inquire--not sure that he wanted to know.

"We owe you far more than words can express... Dyne was unique in the universe. Because of this, we shall show you."

The world (such as it was) faded, and Squall found himself of a grassy, rolling hill. The sky was blue, for the most part--fluffy, white clouds glided across on the wind. He was aware of his friends--Quistis relaxing nearby, Selphie and Irvine on another hill staring at the sky, Zell laughing at something someone had said, even Rinoa sitting only a few meters away. Seifer was at the nearby Obel Lake, fishing line clenched in his hand. Fujin watched from a distance.

"That one's a dog," Selphie was saying. "Can't you see its little tail?"

Irvine chuckled. "Looks like a train to me."

"No, it's not. It's a litte puppy! Come on, don't you see it?"

"Well, who am I to contradict such a pretty girl?" Irvine asked, laughing. "Still, that is one deformed dog."

Selphie sat up, punching him in the stomach.

"Oof!" he exclaimed. "What was that for?"

"C'mon!" Selphe lay back down again. "Squall, what do you see?"

Squall glanced upward. "Clouds," he said, before staring across the horizon again.

Something hit him in the side of his face, and he clawed it off. Selphie had thrown a clump of grass at him. For a moment he considered throwing one back, but decided against it. It would only make her think that he wanted to play. He had had enough of that in the last two years.

Two years? I've only really known her for one...

"Not in this time, my friend. Be silent, and watch." The voice of Quezacotl was peaceful. Squall shut up.

A year since Dyne... Squall stared at the vague image of Timber in the distance. What happened to him, anyway? Did the GFs kill him? He shook his head. How could he know? The GFs hadn't talked after it was done. They had gone back to being the cold, enigmatic entities they always had been. All he could remember of the day a year ago was Dyne, pulling Naja to the Crystal Pillar... and a bright, blinding light...

Maybe he's still alive out there somewhere, Squall thought. Waiting and watching. Plotting his revenge...

Claws dug into his leg, and something hard scratched his face. The breath was driven out of his lungs as something rammed into his chest. Startled into action, he jumped upwards, ready to combat any force that assailed him. He grabbed at whatever was attacking him--

--and found himself holding Boko by the ankle. Beside him, Angelo was barking loudly enough to frighten an army. I'm still jumping at shadows, he thought, resigned. I had better let the bird go or it'll be one of Selphie's infamous 'cruelty to animals' speeches. Dropping Boko unceremoniously to the ground, he watched as the half-grown chocobo ran off with Angelo in close pursuit.

"I got one!" Seifer yelled, and everyone turned to look. Seifer was struggling with the fishing line, pulling it upwards with all his strength. "God damn, it's a big one, too..."

Suddenly there was a jerk on the line and, with a noise of dismay, Selfer tumbled into the lake. Everyone got up at once, concern written plainly in most of their faces.

A hand gripped the clifflet above the water, and Seifer pulled himself up, gasping for air. Beside him Raijin, face a mask of amusement, began hauling himself up onto the shore.

"Ya caught me, ya know?" he asked jovially. Seifer shot him an irate glare before pulling himself completely onto land and pulling off his trenchcoat to dry in the sun. Almost everyone laughed, but three faces showed almost nothing--Seifer was cursing silently as Raijin, though the ghost of a smile could be seen creeping onto his lips, Fujin's eyebrow raised the tiniest bit for the tiniest moment, and Squall only allowed the faintest smile to show in his expression before masking it. Old habits die hard, he noted.

"When did you learn to swim?" Seifer demanded.

"Fujin taught me, ya know?" Raijin explained. Seifer stared at Fujin, whose eyebrow jumped again. Other than that, however, she did nothing.

Some days really aren't that bad, Squall thought, turning back to the horizon. They really aren't...

"Stop it," Squall demanded of Quezacotl. Is this what I destroyed? ...I can't stand it anymore.

"I am truly sorry," Quezacotl said again as the scene faded. "So much was in your grasp. Perhaps it is enough that you have experienced this. But... for my own concience--or what passes for one in the Guardians--I would like to do something for you. I sense many questions within you. Would you let me answer them?"

Squall nodded. "Yes."

"Then ask."

Squall thought for a moment. "Why?" he finally said.

"That could mean many things, young human," Quezacotl said with something that sounded like fondness in his voice. "But I think I sense your meaning.
"Why? Dyne was afraid, that is why he wished this on the world. Perhaps the human called Lammers did not consider him an entity worthy of respect, and so treated him as only a laboratory animal. Perhaps he did not know--or did not want to know--the pain he inflicted. Whatever the cause, this treatment wounded Dyne greatly--enough so that he never recovered. He sought simply to protect himself in the only way he knew how. At once, this made him both victim and villain." The voice stopped for a moment, as if Quezacotl was considering something. "Lammers' cruelty drove him to this end, but, even so, the choice to go to these extremes was entirely Dyne's. Where lies the blame?"

Squall had no answer.

"There are many other things you do not understand," Quezacotl encouraged gently. "Ask, and I'll answer if I can."

"What about the kidnappings? What was their purpose?"

"Dyne saw the threat you would be, and wanted to protect himself from you. To lure you into his clutches, he targeted those around you. He was afraid of you, just as he was afraid of everyone who could have defeated him. Just as he was afraid of Naja."

"And the Shumis?"

"There are some that still live, but not many. And they are few and far apart, having fled to the far corners of the earth to escape Dyne. The one you knew of as Guard was the first to fall before Dyne. He was captured and given the sphere in order to keep his mind under Dyne's control. The sphere was like a jacket--he could not put it down. The only difference was that Dyne controlled Guard, not trusting Naja to. Naja could easily have loosed his control enough for Guard to drop the sphere without Dyne noticing. Taking off a jacket was much more conspicuous, but the jackets would only work with human physiology." A vauge, reproachful tone crept into Quezacotl's voice. "Did you think the Shumis uncorruptable? Have you forgotten the one called NORG already?"

"I... guess I did." Squall was silent for a moment. "And my friends?"

"The one you know as Quistis ordered the retreat when she saw you were losing. It was a wise thing to do, otherwise many more would have died. Your friends are safe."

"Ellone. I heard she couldn't connect anymore."

"Dyne took her power when he tried to capture her. It allowed him to see into the past, to know his opponents. With Dyne's death, the balance has been set right. The human you call Ellone has her power again."

He hesitated. It hardly seemed a fitting time to ask favors, but... "...it's about our memories," he said.

Quezacotl sighed. "Yes, I know of your problem. Of all your mind, this is the region we may reside in most easily. We are... grieved to see the result. We did not wish to take anything so... valuable from you."

"Can it be prevented?"

"Young one, it would take much effort to make our homes in differing regions of your mind. However, in the name of your Seifer and our Bahamut, I think we may undertake this. We owe you much."

You say that a lot. Does it really change anything?

About a thousand questions ran through Squall's mind, but he ignored them all. "I guess that's all I wanted to know."

"There is one last thing, my friend," Quezacotl said, a mixture of concern, compassion and pity flavoring his tone. "One final choice you have to make."

"What?" I don't need any more choices...

The GF sighed. "When the Pillar fell, all the energy inside it was released at once. Your friends were safe, having retreated far enough from it to be unharmed. But you caught the full brunt of it. Your mind--your soul could not withstand it. Even now, you are in the Infirmary of your Garden, dying." The voice paused for a moment. "There are Forces I could entreat to intervene, in the name of the service you have granted us. Forces that could step between you and death, should you so wish it. The choice is yours. No one can make it for you."

Squall paused.

So much pain... so much to deal with. Do I really want to go back? Seifer wasn't given the same choice. Why do I deserve it?

I'm tired. He realized that, more than anything else, he was tired. He wanted to sleep for about a month. Or longer. He didn't want to deal with any of the stuff he would have to as the Commander of Balamb Garden. He didn't want to deal with any of the stuff he would have to as Squall Leonhart. At that moment, he really couldn't see himself caring if he ever woke up.

He could sense Quezacotl waiting. He was certain that the GF wanted him to accept, maybe even expected him to. So what? I don't want to live up to anyone else's expectations anymore.

'Life and death, honor and discrace, victory and defeat. Each of these go hand in hand. There's only one way or the other...' Squall stopped. I've been disgraced before. Been defeated before. I can see which way I'm tending. I... I can't take it. How much can one human stand before they go insane?

Why am I rationalizing this? I... I want to die. How could anyone rationalize something like that?

There've been times when I would have gladly accepted death. The D-District prison. Time Compression. I was willing to die then. Why should it have changed? If anything, I have less reason to go back now. I lost... something I don't even understand. And he didn't get the same choice.

"I'm ready to--"

--something stopped him. No. I can't die, not just yet, he thought. I promised Seifer. And... they're all probably waiting for me. Rinoa. And Quistis, Zell, Selphie, Irvine... Nida... Xu... they're all probably waiting for me to wake up. I can't just give up on life. Maybe... maybe something will make this worth it.

"I'm... ready to live again," he amended.

"My young, human friend. I would have been greived if you had said otherwise. It will not be easy, however," Quezacotl said, compassion flooding his tone. "You have lost the one person perhaps in all the world who could have understood you enough to become a true friend, a close comrade. But I admire your decision." A sigh. "There are long roads ahead, and difficult choices. Some you may have to face alone. But you have shown yourself able to walk the paths, to choose between fates. And should you ever find yourself alone, call on me. I shall be waiting.
"I am honored, young human, to have aided you."

Quezacotl's voice fell away, and Squall tried to shut his mind off from the world. Was it the right descision? he wondered, then pushed the matter out of his mind. Well, I've made it now. Regardless of what it means, I can't go back on my word.

Almost as if he was falling asleep, his thoughts faded. Silently, he allowed himself to drift off. There were many things to be done in the Garden--families of dead SeeDs notified, the dead themselves buried, things to be done about the remnants of Dyne's army... but he would deal with those conflicts when he came to them. For now only relax, trust Quezacotl, and snatch a rare moment of peace in oblivion.