(Chapter 22. December 10. CGH.)
Steve sat in the exam room, shivering and sweating. He was still perspiring from the workout, and the exam room, like most places in the hospital, was uncomfortably cool. He had been so afraid he would blow it during that workout Jesse had put him through, but to his amazement, he did everything he was supposed to do. Now all he had to do was get cleanly through this last little bit and he was officially well again. He wished he hadn't limped out of the PT room the way he did. He knew Jesse must have seen it, and he knew it could be all the reason Jesse needed to refuse to release him.
He deeply regretted what he'd said about Jesse's trying to make him fail. He knew better. Jesse only wanted what was best for him. He might be a bit over-protective, but Steve knew all Jesse was trying to do was to be sure he'd really recovered. He made a mental note to apologize as soon as the opportunity arose. He wished he knew what Jesse would be looking for now. He needed to get this over with and leave the hospital with that medical release.
He was just beginning to relax when Jesse walked in. Suddenly all his nerves were highly attuned again and he felt painfully tense. Jesse saw right away that he was nervous and said, "Steve, relax. If you're ready, I'll sign the release, and if you're not, we'll try again in a week or so."
Steve took a couple deep breaths and nodded. "It's just been so long, Jess."
Jesse put a comforting hand on his shoulder and said, "I know, buddy, but you're almost there. You're recovery really has been a miracle, you know."
"So I've been told," Steve smiled weakly.
Jesse took the opening to explore Steve's mental state. As he checked his vitals and reflexes and examined his nicely healed wounds, he probed gently. "Other than being nervous about all this, how have you been feeling lately?"
Steve thought for a moment and said, "Good. I can run a little farther and work out a little longer everyday. It's good to see the progress."
"You know, Steve, we're all proud of you. I hope you're proud of yourself, too."
"Thanks, Jess, I am. I've never had to work harder in my life. I know I've accomplished a lot, but I want more. I want to go back to what I was before."
Jesse hopped up on the high stool facing the exam table. "I can't imagine how difficult this has all been for you, Steve. You must be so angry at the guy who shot you."
Steve was silent for a long time, and when he finally spoke there was a quaver in his voice. "I...I've gone through every conceivable human emotion in the past four months, sometimes all of them at once. I was angry sometimes, but mostly I bounced back and forth between scared and hopeful."
In a very soft voice, Jesse asked, "Have you thought about what went wrong? What would you have done differently?"
Steve closed his eyes. He was clearly struggling with some powerful emotion. Finally, he said, "I don't even remember what happened, Jess. One minute Cheryl and I were doing everything we were supposed to do, the next minute I'm waking up to the sound of Olivia calling my name in the ER. It was supposed to be an easy bust, but I guess everything went to hell fast."
Jesse nodded and said, "Your dad mentioned that you'd been having panic attacks. Want to tell me about that?"
Steve shrugged and said, "There's not much to tell. I had a lot of uncertainty about a lot of things. I talked to him about it, and he put my mind at ease. I haven't had an episode since Thanksgiving Day."
"Any nightmares?"
Steve nodded hesitantly, "There've been a few, but I just wake up, roll over and go back to sleep."
"Do you think you can face the same situation again?"
Steve gave a weak laugh and said, "Jess, it's part of my job."
"You didn't answer my question."
With complete certainty and no hesitation, Steve answered, "I will go back to work. I will do my job. It's who I am and what I do, Jess, and if all of this has changed me in any way, it's only made me stronger. Now can we please get this exam over?"
Jesse grinned and said, "Let's do it."
He had Steve walk across the room and back a couple times, asked him to bend over and touch his toes, and to squat and touch the floor. They were all simple motions and Steve executed them with no trouble until the last time he touched the floor. His right calf muscle spasmed and he cried out in pain.
"Aughhh!"
Jesse helped him to the table and massaged the cramp away. "I was waiting for that to happen, you know?"
"You were?"
"Uh-huh. I saw the way you were limping when you left PT, and I saw you try to cover it up. It has me worried, Steve."
"Me, too. That's why I tried to hide it." Steve felt utterly dejected as he sat with his legs dangling from the exam table. He'd come so close, but wasn't quite ready. He'd tried so hard to get rid of his limp, but he couldn't get the weakness and the accompanying pain to go away. He watched with alarm as he saw the concern in Jesse's face deepen. When Jesse stepped back and stared hard at his legs, he got scared.
"Jess, what's wrong?"
"I...uh...I'm not sure it's anything, Steve. I need an expert's opinion." He stepped over to the phone and placed a call. "Liv? Jesse. I'm with Steve in the exam room across from PT. I need you to come see something…Yeah, I know what you said, Liv, but I wasn't expecting this. Could you get his x-rays and bring them along, too…Ok, we'll be waiting."
With rising panic Steve demanded, "Jess, what is it? What's wrong with me?"
Jesse took a hold of Steve by both shoulders, looked him square in the eye, and said, "I don't have enough background to hazard a guess. It may be nothing. Let's just wait for Liv."
Trying to remain calm, Steve decided to take the opportunity to apologize.
"Jess, I know you weren't trying to set me up to fail. I'm sorry I said that, I just really, really need to do this now."
Jesse smiled and said, "I realize that, Steve. I hope everything works out for you today. If it doesn't happen today, though, it will happen tomorrow or the next day. What I'm trying to say is I believe you have the strength to come all the way back from this. You're the strongest person I have ever known, and you'll be ok."
Steve nodded and said, "Thanks, Jess. That means a lot."
There was a knock at the door, and Jesse jumped down from the stool and opened it. "Liv, that was quick." Over his shoulder he said, "Be right back, Steve," and he stepped out into the hall.
While he waited, Steve thought about everything he had gone through. He should have been dead, but by some miracle, he wasn't. If he'd been allowed to survive six bullets and a ten-foot fall, surely he would be allowed to go back to his old life in time. Maybe this had all been some kind of test. If that were the case, he would pass it. Jess was right. If it didn't end today, it would tomorrow or the next day or the one after that.
The door opened and Olivia and Jesse came back in. As Jesse went to put up his x-rays, Olivia fixed her gaze on him. As always, he got lost for a moment in those silver-green eyes.
"Hey, Steve," she said gently, "Jesse tells me you did really well on the steps and the treadmill today."
Steve smiled slightly, "I really didn't think I had it in me. I didn't know I had gotten that strong again. Why did he call you down here, Liv? What's wrong with me?"
"If there is anything wrong, Steve, I'll know in about five minutes, and you'll know right after that, ok?"
Steve nodded, and fought down the lizards that were trying to crawl up out of his stomach. While Jesse and Olivia pored over his x-rays, he told himself over and over, "It's going to be ok, it's going to be ok."
He heard Jesse mutter, "I still don't see it in the x-rays, Liv."
"That's because you don't have what you need to make it show up. The only way you'd see it is if you had an x-ray of both legs side by side, but I did notice it as soon as I walked in."
"So, I'm not imagining things."
"I'm afraid not, Jess." Olivia came over to the exam table and said, "Steve, I need you to do a couple of things for me."
"What's wrong with me, Liv?"
"Give me three more minutes, Steve. I need you to lay flat on your back on the table."
Still fighting panic, Steve did as he was told while Jesse watched intently.
"OK, now I want you to point and flex both feet a few times."
He did, and the fourth time he pointed his feet, his right calf started to spasm again. He moaned in pain, and Olivia started to massage it away immediately. Her touch calmed him tremendously.
"Is it gone?"
He nodded.
"Ok, sit up and hang your feet over the side again. Rotate your feet to the left..."
He did so with no trouble.
"...and the right."
After a few seconds, he caught another cramp. Again, Olivia massaged it until it was gone.
"Now, stand up, please, and stand on your left foot."
"Liv, this is getting ridiculous."
"You're almost done, Steve, just do as I ask."
With a frustrated sigh, he stood on his left foot. It seemed like forever until she told him to switch to his right. On his right foot, he couldn't keep his balance. As hard as he tried, he kept wobbling and putting his left foot down to keep from falling.
"All right, Liv," he said, "something's weird. Will you tell me what's going on now?"
"I'll show you." She slapped the exam table and told him, "Sit up here and stretch your legs out on the table in front of you."
When he was situated, Olivia took hold of his ankles and firmly held his feet together for a minute. When she let go she said, "Look at your feet and tell me what you see."
With a nervous half grin, Steve said, "Toe-jam?"
Olivia laughed and said, "Well, besides that."
He studied his feet for a moment and with wonder in his voice said, "The right one's turned in a little. I'm pigeon-toed."
"That's right," she said and ran a delicate hand down the inside of his lower leg. "The muscles in here are stronger," she said and ran her hand down the outside of his leg, "than the muscles out here. They're pulling you foot up and in and causing your muscle spasms, your limp, and your balance problems."
As she walked around the table to sit on the stool, Steve turned to face her and sat with his legs hanging over the edge of the table. He looked down at his swinging legs and noticed the deformity was even more pronounced when they were hanging loose. Jesse was sitting in a chair in the corner.
With a knot in his gut he asked, "Can you fix it?"
Olivia hiked the stool closer to him and said, "Give me your foot."
When he lifted his foot for her, she held his leg with her left hand supporting his knee and his foot resting in the crook of her arm. Jesse stood up to watch over her shoulder as she said, "This is going to get uncomfortable. You need to let me know how it feels, and if it hurts, how bad and where."
When he nodded, she gently straightened his foot and pushed it to a flexed position. Steve took in a breath and squirmed.
"Jesse, note the time. Talk to me, Steve," Olivia ordered.
"It's tight," he said, "especially on the inside, and it burns a little, but it doesn't really hurt."
"Ok," Olivia said, "we're just going to wait a few minutes and see what develops." When she saw him wince a little later, she asked, "What is it?"
Steve squirmed again, but she held on. "It's really burning, and it's starting to ache. The pain's running down the back of my leg, too, now."
"Your Achilles tendon?"
He nodded.
"Can you tolerate it a little longer?"
He took a breath and nodded again, so she continued to hold his foot and leg in the same position. Jesse, realizing they might be a while, pulled his chair up and sat near the corner of the table. The burning eventually subsided, but the ache continued to worsen. Suddenly Steve yelped as his leg cramped up on him again. He jumped and tried to pull away, but Olivia held on and moved with him so that he couldn't ease the pressure on his leg.
"Liv, it hurts!"
"I know it does, Steve, but try to hang in there. Be still and let it work itself out."
He did the best he could to do what she asked, but he kept trying to shift position to ease the pain. Nothing he did worked, though, because Olivia kept moving with him and kept the pressure on his leg. Every now and then, a moan of pain would escape him, and Olivia would murmur soothing words and try to calm him, but she wouldn't let go or massage away the cramp.
Steve was surprised when the cramping in his leg eventually subsided and left behind a severe, dull ache. Always sensitive to his reactions, Olivia knew when it happened.
"The spasm's gone, isn't it?"
He nodded, "But it aches bad."
"Ok, but can you go a little longer?"
He said, "I guess."
"Liv," Jesse asked, "what exactly are you doing?"
"Finding something out."
"I hate it when you do that," Jesse said.
"Me, too," Steve agreed through clenched teeth.
"Do what?" Olivia asked innocently.
"Sometimes you answer a question with something that just creates more questions," Jesse explained.
"Oh, that. I just don't want to say too much until I'm sure what's going on. How does it feel, Steve?"
"It still hurts, but not so bad now."
Olivia looked at Jesse and asked, "How long has it been?"
"Fifteen minutes."
"Can you go five more minutes, Steve?" she asked gently.
Steve bit his lower lip and nodded.
As the minutes crept by, she encouraged him, saying, "You're doing great Steve. You're a real trooper. I know this is tough, but I know you're tougher. Think about everything you've done in the past four months. This is a piece of cake."
Finally, Jesse said, "Twenty minutes, Liv."
Steve breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Still holding his leg, Olivia asked, "Steve, could you live with this kind of pain and maybe some muscle spasms for, say, eight to ten hours a day?"
"For how long?" he asked with some trepidation.
"For up to a year."
Steve thought for a moment then nodded, "If I could take something when the pain was really bad, I could do this for a year."
"For two years?"
This time he thought for a long time and shook his head, "No, not for two years, unless I could really see the payoff."
Olivia nodded. "Ok, I'm going to let go now. I want you to try to keep your foot straight as long as you can."
In spite of his best efforts, as soon as she let go, his foot slowly started turning in. When it stopped, he hung his head and sighed. To comfort him Olivia put a hand on his back and rubbed in big, slow circles.
"It's all right, Steve," she soothed. "I've got a good handle on the problem now, and I know what you can do about it." She slipped a hand under his chin and lifted his face to make him look her in the eye.
"You know this is serious," she said, "but it's not an emergency. It won't slow you down for long. It's kind of like a slow oil leak, and there are lots of ways to deal with it. You can keep checking the dipstick and add oil as needed. You can find the leak and seal it, or you can let it go until your engine seizes up and give the garage a ton of money to fix it for you, but the important thing is you have choices and you can deal with it."
Steve nodded and said, "Ok, now what?"
Olivia smiled and it lit up her eyes. Steve had to smile back. "Now Jesse and I are going to my office. You get dressed and meet us there. Do you mind if I ask your dad to join us?"
"Ok," Steve said, "I think I want him there."
"All right, see you in about ten minutes."
Jesse lingered for just a minute after Olivia left. "Cheer up, Steve," he said. "If it was bad you know she would have told you."
Steve sighed. "I know, Jess, but when are things going to get easy again? I'm tired of this crap."
Jesse patted him on the back and said, "I know you are, buddy, but all it takes is time. The best part is, Olivia said she could fix this. That's good news, Steve!"
Steve tried to smile back, but it turned to a grimace, "I know, Jess, and thanks for trying to encourage me, but I want it to be over. I want my life back."
Jesse spontaneously threw an arm around his friend's broad shoulders and squeezed. "I know, Steve, and you'll get it back in time. I promise."
This time, Steve's smile was genuine as he said, "There you go talking like Olivia again. I think you might be spending too much time with my girlfriend."
Jesse grinned and said, "Yeah? What are you going to do about it? She has rubbed off on me, and she's probably wondering where I am. See you upstairs soon."
"Yeah, Jess. I'll be there in a few."
Amanda breezed into Olivia's office and said, "Hey, Liv, I was on my way to lunch and..." Suddenly noticing the crowd, she said, "Oh... Hi, guys. Maybe...I should come back later."
Steve stood up and offered his seat. "No, Amanda, you might as well join us and keep up to date on the latest developments."
Amanda took his seat, and Steve settled in the corner of the couch beside his dad, grateful to be out of the center of the room. He hated to have all eyes on him. He nodded to Olivia and said, "You can start now, Liv. Everyone I need is here."
Using her model skeleton to illustrate, Olivia briefly explained the deformity of Steve's right leg, its cause, and the problems it was creating. Mark and Amanda had a few questions that she was careful to answer in terms that Steve could understand as well. When she finished her explanation, she waited a moment to see if there were any more questions. There were none.
"So," she continued, "that brings up the most obvious question. What do you do about it?"
"Before you answer that one, Liv," Steve interrupted her, "I need to know for certain we can do something about it. Something effective that will put everything right, not just something that will make it a little better. Do you understand what I mean?"
Olivia nodded. "Yeah, Steve, I know. You're still looking for that one hundred percent recovery."
Steve fixed her with an intense stare and nodded back.
She met his gaze, and it seemed as if everyone stopped breathing to hear what she had to say. "Steve, this injury is always going to be with you. It will affect you for the rest of your life. You'll never get away from it completely, but with a few changes in you usual routines and habits, you should be able to do everything you did before, and no one but you will know the difference. It may not be a complete physical recovery, but you'll have you old life back."
Everyone in the room turned to him as one to gauge his reaction. He thought hard. Her answer hadn't been quite what he'd expected. It fell between the possibilities he had imagined. He was a black and white kind of guy. Either he would recover or he wouldn't. Olivia had just set him down firmly in the middle of gray territory, and without a compass, he was lost. He decided to ask for directions.
"When all of this started, you promised me, if I did what I was told and let God take care of the rest, everything would work out for me. So, tell me. What do I do now?"
Olivia continued in a professional tone. "Fortunately, Jesse caught it early. That gives you a range of options that you wouldn't have had three or four months down the road."
Steve looked at Jesse and mouthed a thank you. Jesse acknowledged with a grin as Olivia continued.
"Your choices for treatment range from mundane to highly invasive, and all of them should be effective, though some may take longer than others to show results. Your last resort is surgery. It would involve reconstructing the muscles in your leg, moving things around and putting them back together, maybe even breaking and resetting the leg. It would be painful and still require weeks of intensive physical therapy."
"You say that's a last resort," Mark interjected. "What else can he do about it?"
Looking at Steve, Olivia said, "One simple thing you can start doing right now is to make sure whenever you're sitting that your feet are flat on the floor and pointing straight ahead."
Olivia watched his face carefully as he followed her suggestion. She must have seen some reaction because she asked, "You can already feel the difference, can't you?"
He nodded, "Especially in my ankle and knee."
"Good." Olivia smiled. "Davis can help you develop an exercise routine to focus on building muscle where you need it and stretching where things have tightened up too much. It will take a while to see results, but if you follow his instructions to the letter, it will do the trick. How soon could you put something together, Davis?"
"We could start tomorrow, and I could have a complete regimen in a week." Looking at Steve he continued, "It will take a lot of self-discipline, but I've noticed you have that in abundance."
Steve smiled and accepted the compliment gracefully with a nod.
"While it might be a nuisance," Olivia continued, "a brace would show the biggest payoff in the shortest time."
"That's why you were manipulating my leg in the exam room," Steve said, "to see if I could tolerate it."
"Exactly, Steve. Since I've been out here in LA-LA land I've gotten to know a few people who fit patients with orthopedic braces, and from what I've seen, they're quite good. If you choose to go that route, I can give you a couple of names, and they could have you fitted within a week."
Steve thought a minute and asked, "Would I really have to wear it for a year or two like you said before?"
Olivia sighed deeply and said, "This is where we come back to what I said about you never being able to get away from this injury, Steve. This has changed your life. I would be very surprised if you needed to wear a brace for more than eight hours a day for about month to get things right. Once your leg is straightened out, though, the issue becomes maintenance."
"What do you mean?"
Olivia opened her desk drawer, took out a small plastic case, and tossed it to Steve. He caught it and opened it. Making a face, he said, "Orthodontic retainers?"
"Yep," Olivia said, "I wore braces on my teeth for four years. When the orthodontist finally took them off, I got those," she said pointing to the retainers.
"I have two sets. I keep one here and one at home. At first, I had to wear them all day, everyday. I was only supposed to take them out to eat and brush my teeth. After a few months, I only had to wear them at night. Then it was just a couple nights a week, then a couple of times a month." She held up her hands and Steve closed the case and tossed it back to her.
"Eventually it got to the point where I'd forget for months at a time, and when I finally remembered, they'd be hard to put in and they'd hurt." She plastered a phony grin on her face for a moment, and said, "When I was a kid, my mouth was a mess. This is a six thousand dollar smile. I didn't want to put myself in a position where I'd have to go through all of it again. So I had an extra set of retainers made, and now whether I'm here doing paperwork, or sleeping at home, I make it a point to wear these things at least a few minutes every day."
The room was silent for a moment. Then Steve said, "That's what I'm going to have to do, too, isn't it? Once you get my leg straightened out and the limp and muscle spasms are gone, I will still have to work on it just to maintain my condition. No matter what I do, we're talking about a life- long commitment."
Olivia nodded, "You won't have to be religious about it all your life, Steve, but if you get too lax, especially as you age, you may find yourself in a position where the only viable option is surgery. That would also require physical therapy and, again, regular exercise to maintain good physical condition. Of course, for you, the problem is more than just cosmetic. If you let it go, it will affect your quality of life."
"But you also said if I do this now and I do it right, no one else will know the difference."
Olivia nodded. "That's right, as long as you keep up with it forever."
"Well," he said, "I know there's no avoiding it, but I want you to be straight with me. Just how involved is this 'maintenance' going to be?"
Olivia shrugged, "Fifteen to twenty minutes a day, two days a week should do it, eventually. You may have to continue to wear the brace a few nights a month, too. It doesn't sound like much, but sometimes it can become a real chore. Nine times out of ten, Steve, when patients who have recovered have a relapse, it's because they quit doing their exercises. Usually, they don't quit because the exercises are demanding, but because they lose their sense of commitment. We are talking about the rest of your life."
Steve started to laugh out loud. First, it was a chuckle, but it grew to a roaring good belly laugh. Tears streamed down his face, and he found himself fighting for air. For several minutes, he went on. Every time he caught his breath and started to speak, he'd begin to laugh again. His father and friends were staring at him, and he knew they thought he was probably having a breakdown, but he just couldn't stop. The sense of relief was overwhelming. Finally, he caught his breath enough to speak.
"You did say fifteen to twenty minutes a day, right?"
Olivia nodded, and said with some concern, "Two days a week, yes."
He chuckled a bit, but caught himself before he got carried away again and explained, "You can't understand how relieved I am to hear that. I guess after all the struggles and challenges I have faced lately, I've developed a pessimistic outlook. I was expecting this to be an all-consuming thing, taking up all my free time for the rest of my life just to maintain the strength I needed to do my job." He started to laugh again, and this time the others joined him. "I know that's completely ludicrous, but it's what I had in my head, all doom and gloom. But, Liv, I like to work out anyway, twenty minutes a couple of days a week will be no hardship."
Looking at her wrist and wishing for her watch, Olivia said, "Well, Steve, at this point you know all your options." Pointing first at him then at Jesse she said, "I think now you need to talk with your doctor and decide exactly what you're going to do about this and about your medical release. You two can use my office while the rest of us get lunch."
Steve's good humor disappeared quickly. As Amanda, Mark, and Davis left, Olivia got up to follow them out. Steve caught her wrist as she walked by and pulled her down to sit beside him. "Can I come by your place tonight, Liv? I'd like to talk for a while."
She smiled warmly and said, "I gave you a key so you wouldn't have to ask, babe."
Just then, Jesse cleared his throat.
"Oh, Lord," Olivia said as she dissolved into giggles.
Steve laughed at her and said, "Go on and get your lunch," then he whispered in her ear, "before I call you something we'd have to explain."
With wide-eyed terror, she said, "You wouldn't!"
With a ruthless grin and a twinkle in his eye, Steve said, "Try me."
Olivia gave him a peck on the cheek and said, "I'll be home by six. How about steaks and baked potatoes for dinner?"
"Sounds good to me."
Leaning close, she whispered in his ear, "Hearing you laugh was like watching the sun rise, my love. It really brightened my day." She gave him one more quick kiss and left him and Jesse alone.
When the door clicked shut behind her, Jesse looked at Steve and asked, "When did she give you a key to her place?"
Steve grinned and said, "The day I went home. Now we have more important matters to discuss. I know you're not going to sign that release. What are we going to do?"
Steve sat in the exam room, shivering and sweating. He was still perspiring from the workout, and the exam room, like most places in the hospital, was uncomfortably cool. He had been so afraid he would blow it during that workout Jesse had put him through, but to his amazement, he did everything he was supposed to do. Now all he had to do was get cleanly through this last little bit and he was officially well again. He wished he hadn't limped out of the PT room the way he did. He knew Jesse must have seen it, and he knew it could be all the reason Jesse needed to refuse to release him.
He deeply regretted what he'd said about Jesse's trying to make him fail. He knew better. Jesse only wanted what was best for him. He might be a bit over-protective, but Steve knew all Jesse was trying to do was to be sure he'd really recovered. He made a mental note to apologize as soon as the opportunity arose. He wished he knew what Jesse would be looking for now. He needed to get this over with and leave the hospital with that medical release.
He was just beginning to relax when Jesse walked in. Suddenly all his nerves were highly attuned again and he felt painfully tense. Jesse saw right away that he was nervous and said, "Steve, relax. If you're ready, I'll sign the release, and if you're not, we'll try again in a week or so."
Steve took a couple deep breaths and nodded. "It's just been so long, Jess."
Jesse put a comforting hand on his shoulder and said, "I know, buddy, but you're almost there. You're recovery really has been a miracle, you know."
"So I've been told," Steve smiled weakly.
Jesse took the opening to explore Steve's mental state. As he checked his vitals and reflexes and examined his nicely healed wounds, he probed gently. "Other than being nervous about all this, how have you been feeling lately?"
Steve thought for a moment and said, "Good. I can run a little farther and work out a little longer everyday. It's good to see the progress."
"You know, Steve, we're all proud of you. I hope you're proud of yourself, too."
"Thanks, Jess, I am. I've never had to work harder in my life. I know I've accomplished a lot, but I want more. I want to go back to what I was before."
Jesse hopped up on the high stool facing the exam table. "I can't imagine how difficult this has all been for you, Steve. You must be so angry at the guy who shot you."
Steve was silent for a long time, and when he finally spoke there was a quaver in his voice. "I...I've gone through every conceivable human emotion in the past four months, sometimes all of them at once. I was angry sometimes, but mostly I bounced back and forth between scared and hopeful."
In a very soft voice, Jesse asked, "Have you thought about what went wrong? What would you have done differently?"
Steve closed his eyes. He was clearly struggling with some powerful emotion. Finally, he said, "I don't even remember what happened, Jess. One minute Cheryl and I were doing everything we were supposed to do, the next minute I'm waking up to the sound of Olivia calling my name in the ER. It was supposed to be an easy bust, but I guess everything went to hell fast."
Jesse nodded and said, "Your dad mentioned that you'd been having panic attacks. Want to tell me about that?"
Steve shrugged and said, "There's not much to tell. I had a lot of uncertainty about a lot of things. I talked to him about it, and he put my mind at ease. I haven't had an episode since Thanksgiving Day."
"Any nightmares?"
Steve nodded hesitantly, "There've been a few, but I just wake up, roll over and go back to sleep."
"Do you think you can face the same situation again?"
Steve gave a weak laugh and said, "Jess, it's part of my job."
"You didn't answer my question."
With complete certainty and no hesitation, Steve answered, "I will go back to work. I will do my job. It's who I am and what I do, Jess, and if all of this has changed me in any way, it's only made me stronger. Now can we please get this exam over?"
Jesse grinned and said, "Let's do it."
He had Steve walk across the room and back a couple times, asked him to bend over and touch his toes, and to squat and touch the floor. They were all simple motions and Steve executed them with no trouble until the last time he touched the floor. His right calf muscle spasmed and he cried out in pain.
"Aughhh!"
Jesse helped him to the table and massaged the cramp away. "I was waiting for that to happen, you know?"
"You were?"
"Uh-huh. I saw the way you were limping when you left PT, and I saw you try to cover it up. It has me worried, Steve."
"Me, too. That's why I tried to hide it." Steve felt utterly dejected as he sat with his legs dangling from the exam table. He'd come so close, but wasn't quite ready. He'd tried so hard to get rid of his limp, but he couldn't get the weakness and the accompanying pain to go away. He watched with alarm as he saw the concern in Jesse's face deepen. When Jesse stepped back and stared hard at his legs, he got scared.
"Jess, what's wrong?"
"I...uh...I'm not sure it's anything, Steve. I need an expert's opinion." He stepped over to the phone and placed a call. "Liv? Jesse. I'm with Steve in the exam room across from PT. I need you to come see something…Yeah, I know what you said, Liv, but I wasn't expecting this. Could you get his x-rays and bring them along, too…Ok, we'll be waiting."
With rising panic Steve demanded, "Jess, what is it? What's wrong with me?"
Jesse took a hold of Steve by both shoulders, looked him square in the eye, and said, "I don't have enough background to hazard a guess. It may be nothing. Let's just wait for Liv."
Trying to remain calm, Steve decided to take the opportunity to apologize.
"Jess, I know you weren't trying to set me up to fail. I'm sorry I said that, I just really, really need to do this now."
Jesse smiled and said, "I realize that, Steve. I hope everything works out for you today. If it doesn't happen today, though, it will happen tomorrow or the next day. What I'm trying to say is I believe you have the strength to come all the way back from this. You're the strongest person I have ever known, and you'll be ok."
Steve nodded and said, "Thanks, Jess. That means a lot."
There was a knock at the door, and Jesse jumped down from the stool and opened it. "Liv, that was quick." Over his shoulder he said, "Be right back, Steve," and he stepped out into the hall.
While he waited, Steve thought about everything he had gone through. He should have been dead, but by some miracle, he wasn't. If he'd been allowed to survive six bullets and a ten-foot fall, surely he would be allowed to go back to his old life in time. Maybe this had all been some kind of test. If that were the case, he would pass it. Jess was right. If it didn't end today, it would tomorrow or the next day or the one after that.
The door opened and Olivia and Jesse came back in. As Jesse went to put up his x-rays, Olivia fixed her gaze on him. As always, he got lost for a moment in those silver-green eyes.
"Hey, Steve," she said gently, "Jesse tells me you did really well on the steps and the treadmill today."
Steve smiled slightly, "I really didn't think I had it in me. I didn't know I had gotten that strong again. Why did he call you down here, Liv? What's wrong with me?"
"If there is anything wrong, Steve, I'll know in about five minutes, and you'll know right after that, ok?"
Steve nodded, and fought down the lizards that were trying to crawl up out of his stomach. While Jesse and Olivia pored over his x-rays, he told himself over and over, "It's going to be ok, it's going to be ok."
He heard Jesse mutter, "I still don't see it in the x-rays, Liv."
"That's because you don't have what you need to make it show up. The only way you'd see it is if you had an x-ray of both legs side by side, but I did notice it as soon as I walked in."
"So, I'm not imagining things."
"I'm afraid not, Jess." Olivia came over to the exam table and said, "Steve, I need you to do a couple of things for me."
"What's wrong with me, Liv?"
"Give me three more minutes, Steve. I need you to lay flat on your back on the table."
Still fighting panic, Steve did as he was told while Jesse watched intently.
"OK, now I want you to point and flex both feet a few times."
He did, and the fourth time he pointed his feet, his right calf started to spasm again. He moaned in pain, and Olivia started to massage it away immediately. Her touch calmed him tremendously.
"Is it gone?"
He nodded.
"Ok, sit up and hang your feet over the side again. Rotate your feet to the left..."
He did so with no trouble.
"...and the right."
After a few seconds, he caught another cramp. Again, Olivia massaged it until it was gone.
"Now, stand up, please, and stand on your left foot."
"Liv, this is getting ridiculous."
"You're almost done, Steve, just do as I ask."
With a frustrated sigh, he stood on his left foot. It seemed like forever until she told him to switch to his right. On his right foot, he couldn't keep his balance. As hard as he tried, he kept wobbling and putting his left foot down to keep from falling.
"All right, Liv," he said, "something's weird. Will you tell me what's going on now?"
"I'll show you." She slapped the exam table and told him, "Sit up here and stretch your legs out on the table in front of you."
When he was situated, Olivia took hold of his ankles and firmly held his feet together for a minute. When she let go she said, "Look at your feet and tell me what you see."
With a nervous half grin, Steve said, "Toe-jam?"
Olivia laughed and said, "Well, besides that."
He studied his feet for a moment and with wonder in his voice said, "The right one's turned in a little. I'm pigeon-toed."
"That's right," she said and ran a delicate hand down the inside of his lower leg. "The muscles in here are stronger," she said and ran her hand down the outside of his leg, "than the muscles out here. They're pulling you foot up and in and causing your muscle spasms, your limp, and your balance problems."
As she walked around the table to sit on the stool, Steve turned to face her and sat with his legs hanging over the edge of the table. He looked down at his swinging legs and noticed the deformity was even more pronounced when they were hanging loose. Jesse was sitting in a chair in the corner.
With a knot in his gut he asked, "Can you fix it?"
Olivia hiked the stool closer to him and said, "Give me your foot."
When he lifted his foot for her, she held his leg with her left hand supporting his knee and his foot resting in the crook of her arm. Jesse stood up to watch over her shoulder as she said, "This is going to get uncomfortable. You need to let me know how it feels, and if it hurts, how bad and where."
When he nodded, she gently straightened his foot and pushed it to a flexed position. Steve took in a breath and squirmed.
"Jesse, note the time. Talk to me, Steve," Olivia ordered.
"It's tight," he said, "especially on the inside, and it burns a little, but it doesn't really hurt."
"Ok," Olivia said, "we're just going to wait a few minutes and see what develops." When she saw him wince a little later, she asked, "What is it?"
Steve squirmed again, but she held on. "It's really burning, and it's starting to ache. The pain's running down the back of my leg, too, now."
"Your Achilles tendon?"
He nodded.
"Can you tolerate it a little longer?"
He took a breath and nodded again, so she continued to hold his foot and leg in the same position. Jesse, realizing they might be a while, pulled his chair up and sat near the corner of the table. The burning eventually subsided, but the ache continued to worsen. Suddenly Steve yelped as his leg cramped up on him again. He jumped and tried to pull away, but Olivia held on and moved with him so that he couldn't ease the pressure on his leg.
"Liv, it hurts!"
"I know it does, Steve, but try to hang in there. Be still and let it work itself out."
He did the best he could to do what she asked, but he kept trying to shift position to ease the pain. Nothing he did worked, though, because Olivia kept moving with him and kept the pressure on his leg. Every now and then, a moan of pain would escape him, and Olivia would murmur soothing words and try to calm him, but she wouldn't let go or massage away the cramp.
Steve was surprised when the cramping in his leg eventually subsided and left behind a severe, dull ache. Always sensitive to his reactions, Olivia knew when it happened.
"The spasm's gone, isn't it?"
He nodded, "But it aches bad."
"Ok, but can you go a little longer?"
He said, "I guess."
"Liv," Jesse asked, "what exactly are you doing?"
"Finding something out."
"I hate it when you do that," Jesse said.
"Me, too," Steve agreed through clenched teeth.
"Do what?" Olivia asked innocently.
"Sometimes you answer a question with something that just creates more questions," Jesse explained.
"Oh, that. I just don't want to say too much until I'm sure what's going on. How does it feel, Steve?"
"It still hurts, but not so bad now."
Olivia looked at Jesse and asked, "How long has it been?"
"Fifteen minutes."
"Can you go five more minutes, Steve?" she asked gently.
Steve bit his lower lip and nodded.
As the minutes crept by, she encouraged him, saying, "You're doing great Steve. You're a real trooper. I know this is tough, but I know you're tougher. Think about everything you've done in the past four months. This is a piece of cake."
Finally, Jesse said, "Twenty minutes, Liv."
Steve breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Still holding his leg, Olivia asked, "Steve, could you live with this kind of pain and maybe some muscle spasms for, say, eight to ten hours a day?"
"For how long?" he asked with some trepidation.
"For up to a year."
Steve thought for a moment then nodded, "If I could take something when the pain was really bad, I could do this for a year."
"For two years?"
This time he thought for a long time and shook his head, "No, not for two years, unless I could really see the payoff."
Olivia nodded. "Ok, I'm going to let go now. I want you to try to keep your foot straight as long as you can."
In spite of his best efforts, as soon as she let go, his foot slowly started turning in. When it stopped, he hung his head and sighed. To comfort him Olivia put a hand on his back and rubbed in big, slow circles.
"It's all right, Steve," she soothed. "I've got a good handle on the problem now, and I know what you can do about it." She slipped a hand under his chin and lifted his face to make him look her in the eye.
"You know this is serious," she said, "but it's not an emergency. It won't slow you down for long. It's kind of like a slow oil leak, and there are lots of ways to deal with it. You can keep checking the dipstick and add oil as needed. You can find the leak and seal it, or you can let it go until your engine seizes up and give the garage a ton of money to fix it for you, but the important thing is you have choices and you can deal with it."
Steve nodded and said, "Ok, now what?"
Olivia smiled and it lit up her eyes. Steve had to smile back. "Now Jesse and I are going to my office. You get dressed and meet us there. Do you mind if I ask your dad to join us?"
"Ok," Steve said, "I think I want him there."
"All right, see you in about ten minutes."
Jesse lingered for just a minute after Olivia left. "Cheer up, Steve," he said. "If it was bad you know she would have told you."
Steve sighed. "I know, Jess, but when are things going to get easy again? I'm tired of this crap."
Jesse patted him on the back and said, "I know you are, buddy, but all it takes is time. The best part is, Olivia said she could fix this. That's good news, Steve!"
Steve tried to smile back, but it turned to a grimace, "I know, Jess, and thanks for trying to encourage me, but I want it to be over. I want my life back."
Jesse spontaneously threw an arm around his friend's broad shoulders and squeezed. "I know, Steve, and you'll get it back in time. I promise."
This time, Steve's smile was genuine as he said, "There you go talking like Olivia again. I think you might be spending too much time with my girlfriend."
Jesse grinned and said, "Yeah? What are you going to do about it? She has rubbed off on me, and she's probably wondering where I am. See you upstairs soon."
"Yeah, Jess. I'll be there in a few."
Amanda breezed into Olivia's office and said, "Hey, Liv, I was on my way to lunch and..." Suddenly noticing the crowd, she said, "Oh... Hi, guys. Maybe...I should come back later."
Steve stood up and offered his seat. "No, Amanda, you might as well join us and keep up to date on the latest developments."
Amanda took his seat, and Steve settled in the corner of the couch beside his dad, grateful to be out of the center of the room. He hated to have all eyes on him. He nodded to Olivia and said, "You can start now, Liv. Everyone I need is here."
Using her model skeleton to illustrate, Olivia briefly explained the deformity of Steve's right leg, its cause, and the problems it was creating. Mark and Amanda had a few questions that she was careful to answer in terms that Steve could understand as well. When she finished her explanation, she waited a moment to see if there were any more questions. There were none.
"So," she continued, "that brings up the most obvious question. What do you do about it?"
"Before you answer that one, Liv," Steve interrupted her, "I need to know for certain we can do something about it. Something effective that will put everything right, not just something that will make it a little better. Do you understand what I mean?"
Olivia nodded. "Yeah, Steve, I know. You're still looking for that one hundred percent recovery."
Steve fixed her with an intense stare and nodded back.
She met his gaze, and it seemed as if everyone stopped breathing to hear what she had to say. "Steve, this injury is always going to be with you. It will affect you for the rest of your life. You'll never get away from it completely, but with a few changes in you usual routines and habits, you should be able to do everything you did before, and no one but you will know the difference. It may not be a complete physical recovery, but you'll have you old life back."
Everyone in the room turned to him as one to gauge his reaction. He thought hard. Her answer hadn't been quite what he'd expected. It fell between the possibilities he had imagined. He was a black and white kind of guy. Either he would recover or he wouldn't. Olivia had just set him down firmly in the middle of gray territory, and without a compass, he was lost. He decided to ask for directions.
"When all of this started, you promised me, if I did what I was told and let God take care of the rest, everything would work out for me. So, tell me. What do I do now?"
Olivia continued in a professional tone. "Fortunately, Jesse caught it early. That gives you a range of options that you wouldn't have had three or four months down the road."
Steve looked at Jesse and mouthed a thank you. Jesse acknowledged with a grin as Olivia continued.
"Your choices for treatment range from mundane to highly invasive, and all of them should be effective, though some may take longer than others to show results. Your last resort is surgery. It would involve reconstructing the muscles in your leg, moving things around and putting them back together, maybe even breaking and resetting the leg. It would be painful and still require weeks of intensive physical therapy."
"You say that's a last resort," Mark interjected. "What else can he do about it?"
Looking at Steve, Olivia said, "One simple thing you can start doing right now is to make sure whenever you're sitting that your feet are flat on the floor and pointing straight ahead."
Olivia watched his face carefully as he followed her suggestion. She must have seen some reaction because she asked, "You can already feel the difference, can't you?"
He nodded, "Especially in my ankle and knee."
"Good." Olivia smiled. "Davis can help you develop an exercise routine to focus on building muscle where you need it and stretching where things have tightened up too much. It will take a while to see results, but if you follow his instructions to the letter, it will do the trick. How soon could you put something together, Davis?"
"We could start tomorrow, and I could have a complete regimen in a week." Looking at Steve he continued, "It will take a lot of self-discipline, but I've noticed you have that in abundance."
Steve smiled and accepted the compliment gracefully with a nod.
"While it might be a nuisance," Olivia continued, "a brace would show the biggest payoff in the shortest time."
"That's why you were manipulating my leg in the exam room," Steve said, "to see if I could tolerate it."
"Exactly, Steve. Since I've been out here in LA-LA land I've gotten to know a few people who fit patients with orthopedic braces, and from what I've seen, they're quite good. If you choose to go that route, I can give you a couple of names, and they could have you fitted within a week."
Steve thought a minute and asked, "Would I really have to wear it for a year or two like you said before?"
Olivia sighed deeply and said, "This is where we come back to what I said about you never being able to get away from this injury, Steve. This has changed your life. I would be very surprised if you needed to wear a brace for more than eight hours a day for about month to get things right. Once your leg is straightened out, though, the issue becomes maintenance."
"What do you mean?"
Olivia opened her desk drawer, took out a small plastic case, and tossed it to Steve. He caught it and opened it. Making a face, he said, "Orthodontic retainers?"
"Yep," Olivia said, "I wore braces on my teeth for four years. When the orthodontist finally took them off, I got those," she said pointing to the retainers.
"I have two sets. I keep one here and one at home. At first, I had to wear them all day, everyday. I was only supposed to take them out to eat and brush my teeth. After a few months, I only had to wear them at night. Then it was just a couple nights a week, then a couple of times a month." She held up her hands and Steve closed the case and tossed it back to her.
"Eventually it got to the point where I'd forget for months at a time, and when I finally remembered, they'd be hard to put in and they'd hurt." She plastered a phony grin on her face for a moment, and said, "When I was a kid, my mouth was a mess. This is a six thousand dollar smile. I didn't want to put myself in a position where I'd have to go through all of it again. So I had an extra set of retainers made, and now whether I'm here doing paperwork, or sleeping at home, I make it a point to wear these things at least a few minutes every day."
The room was silent for a moment. Then Steve said, "That's what I'm going to have to do, too, isn't it? Once you get my leg straightened out and the limp and muscle spasms are gone, I will still have to work on it just to maintain my condition. No matter what I do, we're talking about a life- long commitment."
Olivia nodded, "You won't have to be religious about it all your life, Steve, but if you get too lax, especially as you age, you may find yourself in a position where the only viable option is surgery. That would also require physical therapy and, again, regular exercise to maintain good physical condition. Of course, for you, the problem is more than just cosmetic. If you let it go, it will affect your quality of life."
"But you also said if I do this now and I do it right, no one else will know the difference."
Olivia nodded. "That's right, as long as you keep up with it forever."
"Well," he said, "I know there's no avoiding it, but I want you to be straight with me. Just how involved is this 'maintenance' going to be?"
Olivia shrugged, "Fifteen to twenty minutes a day, two days a week should do it, eventually. You may have to continue to wear the brace a few nights a month, too. It doesn't sound like much, but sometimes it can become a real chore. Nine times out of ten, Steve, when patients who have recovered have a relapse, it's because they quit doing their exercises. Usually, they don't quit because the exercises are demanding, but because they lose their sense of commitment. We are talking about the rest of your life."
Steve started to laugh out loud. First, it was a chuckle, but it grew to a roaring good belly laugh. Tears streamed down his face, and he found himself fighting for air. For several minutes, he went on. Every time he caught his breath and started to speak, he'd begin to laugh again. His father and friends were staring at him, and he knew they thought he was probably having a breakdown, but he just couldn't stop. The sense of relief was overwhelming. Finally, he caught his breath enough to speak.
"You did say fifteen to twenty minutes a day, right?"
Olivia nodded, and said with some concern, "Two days a week, yes."
He chuckled a bit, but caught himself before he got carried away again and explained, "You can't understand how relieved I am to hear that. I guess after all the struggles and challenges I have faced lately, I've developed a pessimistic outlook. I was expecting this to be an all-consuming thing, taking up all my free time for the rest of my life just to maintain the strength I needed to do my job." He started to laugh again, and this time the others joined him. "I know that's completely ludicrous, but it's what I had in my head, all doom and gloom. But, Liv, I like to work out anyway, twenty minutes a couple of days a week will be no hardship."
Looking at her wrist and wishing for her watch, Olivia said, "Well, Steve, at this point you know all your options." Pointing first at him then at Jesse she said, "I think now you need to talk with your doctor and decide exactly what you're going to do about this and about your medical release. You two can use my office while the rest of us get lunch."
Steve's good humor disappeared quickly. As Amanda, Mark, and Davis left, Olivia got up to follow them out. Steve caught her wrist as she walked by and pulled her down to sit beside him. "Can I come by your place tonight, Liv? I'd like to talk for a while."
She smiled warmly and said, "I gave you a key so you wouldn't have to ask, babe."
Just then, Jesse cleared his throat.
"Oh, Lord," Olivia said as she dissolved into giggles.
Steve laughed at her and said, "Go on and get your lunch," then he whispered in her ear, "before I call you something we'd have to explain."
With wide-eyed terror, she said, "You wouldn't!"
With a ruthless grin and a twinkle in his eye, Steve said, "Try me."
Olivia gave him a peck on the cheek and said, "I'll be home by six. How about steaks and baked potatoes for dinner?"
"Sounds good to me."
Leaning close, she whispered in his ear, "Hearing you laugh was like watching the sun rise, my love. It really brightened my day." She gave him one more quick kiss and left him and Jesse alone.
When the door clicked shut behind her, Jesse looked at Steve and asked, "When did she give you a key to her place?"
Steve grinned and said, "The day I went home. Now we have more important matters to discuss. I know you're not going to sign that release. What are we going to do?"