(Chapter 29. January third. CGH.)
Steve arrived at the hospital at twenty minutes before one, easily found a parking spot, and got to Olivia's office promptly at twelve forty-five. At first the captain had thrown a fit when Steve told him he would be needing more time off, but when Steve closed the office door and explained why, it was another matter. The captain was utterly devoted to his own wife, and understood what a man could go through when his heart was troubled.
"I can't give you any vacation right now, Sloan, so it will have to be a leave of absence. You need to take care of this so it doesn't have you preoccupied anymore. I want you to settle this so you can give the job your full attention and stay alive and do it right. Good luck, and let me know as soon as you schedule that trip."
"Yes, sir."
And that's all there was to it. Steve would go to the office every morning, and when Olivia needed him, he'd take the afternoons off. He'd work until she decided to go back east, then he would take some time off and go with her.
He'd only been waiting a minute when Olivia arrived and wrapped him in a hug. She unlocked the door, invited him in, and offered him a seat. As usual, she got right to the point.
"You know I've had some pretty bad things happen in my past, right?"
"Yeah."
"And you know I've tried to kill myself four times, right?"
"Yeah, I do."
"And you understand that that's not even the worst of my troubles, right?"
"I understand that you think that's not the worst of your troubles. Not knowing what the rest are, I can't say for sure, but I know there's more and that you think it might change my mind about you and us."
Olivia rested her elbows on the desk, folded her hands under her chin, and thought a moment. Then she nodded and said, "Good enough."
She leaned back in her chair and sighed. "Steve, I carry around more baggage than a skycap on a holiday weekend, and I have more hang-ups than a broken answering machine. This afternoon you're going to learn more about the reasons why."
"Ok. I'm ready."
She nodded and said, "I hope so. Something happened to me when I was a kid for which I needed to see a psychiatrist. Then for a while, I didn't see one, but after my misadventures in the woods with Ted and Keith, I needed help again, and for the past twelve years, I have been seeing a psychiatrist at least once a week."
Steve tried to reassure her. "As far as I'm concerned, seeing a shrink is no different than a diabetic taking insulin or an asthmatic using an inhaler. You're doing what you need to do to stay healthy. There have been times when something at work has caused me to need help. Please don't think I'd judge you because of that. I'll do anything to help."
She smiled brightly. "Thanks, Steve. What you see today might make you uncomfortable," she said, "but I need for you to understand what this involves."
"Any time you want me there, I will be."
She stood up and extended a hand to him. He accepted it, and he let her lead him through the hospital to the psychiatric unit. There they went to one of the offices, greeted the receptionist and were shown in to the doctor's main office. It was a good-sized room with deep pile carpet and burgundy leather furniture. A mahogany desk and bookstand filled much of the room, and a few green plants completed the picture.
They waited a few minutes in uneasy silence. Then the doctor came in.
"Steve," Olivia introduced them, "this is doctor Peter Gregg. Peter, Steve Sloan."
"Mark's son, right?"
Steve nodded, "That's right."
"It's a pleasure to meet you. I've heard a lot about you from your dad. He's very proud of you."
Steve blushed slightly and said, "Thank you."
The three of them sat. Dr. Gregg and Steve took armchairs, and Olivia sat cross-legged on the couch.
"Olivia?" Dr. Gregg asked, "Do you want to begin?"
She addressed Steve in a tremulous voice. "Before we get started, there's something you need to know. I'll tell you what I can now, and the re--" She paused to regain her composure. "I'll tell you the rest later, but I can't answer a lot of questions about it right now, ok?"
Steve nodded and agreed, "Whatever you want, Liv."
She closed her eyes and began. "When I was…twelve years old…my entire family died…in a house fire… Mama and Daddy, the boys, my little sister. They…" Her voice broke. "They were just gone. I'm the only one left."
Steve moved to comfort her, but Dr. Gregg held him back. "Let her do this," he whispered. "She'll ask if she needs you."
Steve reluctantly sat back in his chair.
"It wasn't my fault, and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. It took me…six years…to admit that fact, and another four to really believe it." Her fingers picked at one of the tacks on the arm of the couch. She continued as if this little speech had been rehearsed. "In the meantime, I was so eaten up by guilt and grief I tried three times to kill myself. I have at various times in the past taken antidepressants and tranquilizers, but I've never been committed to a psychiatric hospital."
She opened her eyes and smiled weakly at him. "I haven't been on meds for the past ten years," she said. "That's something I'm really proud of."
Steve smiled back. "You've found out how strong you are."
"Sometimes I don't feel so strong, but I have found a faith that lifts me up when I fall down."
"It lifts up you, and those around you, sweetie," he told her.
She looked at Dr. Gregg for encouragement, and he nodded for her to continue.
"I brought you here today, Steve, because I want you to see what it takes for me to be the person I am outside this office."
When she saw his troubled frown, she elaborated.
"What you normally see is not an act. I don't pretend to be happy or excited or anything. The emotions you see are real, but I still have a lot of grief, guilt, and self-doubt that I put in an imaginary box. This is the only place I allow myself to open that box. I have to live this way because if I didn't, the negative emotions would overrun my life."
"So you come here to let those bad feelings out," Steve suggested.
She nodded. "And to talk about my concerns and discuss issues I'm facing. Every once in a while, some darkness spills out of the box and gets resolved, and goes away. Over the years, the inside of the box has gotten lighter and lighter. Some day, all the shadows will be gone. Then I can throw the box away."
Steve smiled encouragingly. "That's the funny thing about darkness, Liv. It disappears in the light."
She smiled back. "Exactly."
She took a deep breath and leaned back into the couch.
"Most days, I just come to Dr. Gregg for a quick visit to say hello and chat a bit, but other days, I call ahead and explain a problem I want to explore with him. Those days, he schedules a larger block of time for me. Today is going to be a tough day, Steve. I particularly chose to bring you here today for two reasons. First, I expect today to be about as bad as it gets. If you can handle what you see today, you should be able to handle the rest. Also, the issue I am dealing with concerns you and your dad and friends. I want you to know…what's going on inside me when I'm with all of you."
"God, Liv. If I've caused you any pain…"
"No, Steve, you've done nothing to hurt me. This problem isn't really about you. It's about me and how I feel about you."
"Ok. I think I get it."
"If not, you will," she promised. "Now, I'm going to go under hypnosis. It helps me deal with tough issues. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in bad feelings that I can't look outside of what's in my own head. Do you understand?"
"Do you mean it calms you down so you can think about why you're feeling what you're feeling?"
"Yeah, but more importantly, it lets me examine my emotions and decide whether they are reasonable or just an overreaction."
"Ok. I understand."
"If not, you will," she told him again. "Now, the first question Dr. Gregg is going to ask is if I really want you here. If I say no, please don't be hurt or offended. It just means that I'm not ready to let you see everything that's in the box. I've been working up to this for weeks now, and I think I'm ready, but I'm not sure. Understand?"
Steve nodded.
"If you feel too uncomfortable with what you see, just leave, but don't say anything. I'd appreciate it if you'd stick around the hospital so we can talk when I'm done, ok?"
He nodded again.
"Ok. Here we go."
Olivia settled back comfortably in the couch, closed her eyes, and started breathing deeply in through her nose and out through her mouth. When she exhaled, her lips formed what he thought was a delightfully kissable little "o". Suddenly, he felt ashamed to be lusting after her when she was placing herself in such a vulnerable position just so she could let herself get closer to him. He looked at Dr. Gregg and asked, "Shouldn't you be swinging a watch or something?"
The doctor laughed and said, "That's a common misconception. A focal point is helpful, but not necessary, especially with patients like Liv. She's been practicing self-hypnosis for years, and she can have herself under in less than a minute."
"Oh." Steve tried to match his own breathing to hers and found her respiration had slowed and deepened to a point where he was physically unable to follow her pace.
Soon Dr. Gregg asked, "Liv? You ready?"
With no trace of emotion in her voice, she said, "Yes."
"You know Steve is here today, right?"
"Yes."
"Do you want him to stay?"
A pause, "Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." There was no hesitation this time.
"Do you remember what you said you wanted to explore with me today?"
"Yes."
Steve began to realize that the one-word answers were part of the calming technique Olivia and Dr. Gregg used. He was giving her a chance to ease into the issue.
"Explain it for me."
She paused. "It's hard to put into words."
"Try, Liv. Take your time. Identifying the problem is the first step in solving it."
She nodded.
Her lovely, calm face rumpled into a frown.
"I love Steve and his family--Mark, Jesse, Amanda, and Carol so much. I feel like I have a real family again."
Steve felt a surge of pain and anger. How could she possibly think loving him was a "problem"?
Dr. Gregg seemed to be sharing his thoughts, because he asked, "Why does that trouble you, Liv?"
She shrugged, "I don't know."
"Don't know, or don't want to answer?"
She shrugged again and said nothing.
Steve was surprised at how calm she was. She had said that it was going to be a rough day, and so far, it had been rather dull. He didn't realize things were about to change.
Dr. Gregg asked, "How do you think your family feels about your loving these people?"
Much to Steve's surprise, a tear slipped down her cheek.
"I think they resent it, and I'm afraid they hate me for it. I think they feel like I've forgotten them, but I haven't. I'm so tired of being alone, and I've found good people who care about me."
She ran her fingers through her hair, covered her head with her hands, and began to rock.
"I've found something that makes me really happy, and I'm not going to give it up!" she wailed.
"Would your family want you to, Liv?" the doctor asked.
She stopped rocking and thought for a minute.
"I don't know, but it doesn't matter," she said petulantly. "I feel like a whole person again. I have real people who love me instead of just memories, and it feels good! I have a right to feel good…" she struggled to get the words out. "I have a right to feel good and happy and loved!"
"Do you?"
"Yes!"
"Do you really believe that?"
Sobs shook her body for several minutes. Steve stood to go to her, but the doctor motioned him to sit. He seethed quietly, watching her weep, but the doctor did not continue until she had calmed down considerably.
"Do you really believe you have a right to be happy and loved?"
"No," she whimpered.
Steve's heart broke for her. The back of his throat burned with tears wanting to fall for her.
"Why?"
"Because I'm still alive and that should be enough."
Her weeping crescendoed again. She screamed and wailed her grief. Steve looked to Dr. Gregg for permission to comfort her, but the doctor shook his head no. Steve clenched his teeth and watched as Olivia fought twin demons of guilt and grief. She was not the woman he had known for four months. Even when she had told him about Ted, she had never raged like this. She looked like a mad woman, tearing her hair and gnashing her teeth.
The outburst went on and on until she grew too tired to continue. Finally, she calmed down again, and the doctor spoke.
"Why would it bother your family that you have people to care for you?"
Steve was enraged when he began again with questions instead of words of comfort, but he had gotten the message. Olivia and Dr. Gregg engaged in this sort of give-and-take on a regular basis, and he was not to interfere. He might get angry with the doctor, but whatever happened, he would not leave unless Olivia asked.
"I think…my family might be angry…that they're being replaced." Her words came between hiccups and sniffles. "My happiness…is in the present now, and they're…in the past."
She broke down again.
"I deserve to be happy, don't I?" she pleaded.
Steve's guts were in knots. It was killing him not to be able to help.
"Everyone does, Olivia," Dr. Gregg finally reassured her.
After Olivia quieted again, the doctor asked.
"That's why loving Steve is a problem, isn't it? Because he and his family are making you happy now and your family's gone."
Tears were still dripping from her face. She sniffled and said in a childish voice, "Uh-huh."
"Liv," said the doctor gently, "let's talk about how your family would feel about each of your new friends. Start with Beth. Would she like them?"
Olivia smiled warmly through her tears.
"Beth would adore them all. I've seen Steve and Jesse with Amanda's boys, and they're both so good with kids. She'd think they're a lot of fun. Amanda's so sweet and gentle, Beth'd want to sit in her lap for a story, but she'd really latch onto Mark. Beth's smart as a whip, and Mark would indulge her curiosity. She'd cling to him for everything he would teach her."
Steve did some quick mental math and realized that if Beth were alive she would be in her early thirties. He figured it was probably natural for Olivia to think of her family as they were the last time they were alive, but he was mildly amused at the thought of a thirty-year-old woman sitting in Amanda's lap with a storybook.
"So Beth would like your friends?"
Olivia grinned, "Oh, my God, yes."
"How about Andy?"
She chuckled.
"He's so much like Jesse. They would either get along famously or bicker all the time. The first thing Andy would want to do is get Steve to teach him to surf. Mark and Amanda would humor him, and he'd like them fine."
"And Pauly?"
Olivia's good humor fell away instantly.
"Pauly has always been in trouble. If they tried to keep him out of it, he'd resent the hell out of them."
Steve was surprised at the mild expletive. He'd never heard Olivia swear before.
"If they got him out of trouble, he wouldn't appreciate it, and he'd try to use Steve to cover his tail if he did something really wrong. Of course, Steve would never do that, and Pauly would try to drag me into the middle of it."
"So Pauly would have nothing positive to say about any of them?"
She thought for a minute.
"Well…"
"Yes?"
"Pauly always defended me when the other kids would pick on me. I was an easy target because I was so small, and he'd whup their behinds if they didn't leave me alone. I think he'd appreciate the fact that Steve, Jesse, Amanda, and Mark would take up for me if I needed help. He might use them and manipulate them, but he'd thank them for taking care of me."
"Is that all?"
"Well, he'd also be glad that Steve's such a decent guy. Pauly knew he was a hell-raiser, and he knew what grief he put the family through, but he wouldn't stand for anyone else hurting us. Once he said if a troublemaker like him ever came 'sniffing around' me he'd kick his butt and beat mine if he caught me talking to the creep. He'd be glad they're all decent, clean- living people."
"Would he resent their relationship with you?"
"No." She shook her head. "He'd resent their trying to help him, but he wouldn't mind them being my friends."
"What about John-John?"
"What do you think?" she asked angrily.
"I don't know, Liv." Dr. Gregg said. "He's your brother."
"How the hell did that happen? I'd like to know." Tossing her head as she spoke each name, Olivia listed the problems. "Amanda's black, Steve's a cop, Jesse's…I don't know. Just the way he is would get on John-John's nerves, and Mark's nosey. He'd hate them all. John-John's an ignorant ass."
Steve was stunned. He'd never realized race was an issue in Olivia's family, and he hadn't thought that her family might not share her feelings about his being a cop. Moreover, he was appalled at how much she seemed to resent her brother. He had thought she was close to all her family.
"So," asked Dr. Gregg, "does it bother you to think how he might feel about your friends?"
"Hell, yes!"
Steve could see she was becoming increasingly agitated again. The biggest surprise to this point had been her use of profanity, but so far, she had managed to regain her composure each time she lost it. Frankly, he found himself more comfortable with her anger than he was with her grief and guilt.
"John-John might be a jackass, but he's my brother, and I love him in spite of himself. It hurts me…" Her voice cracked and she had to start over, "It hurts me to think that he would despise people I love so much."
She had wrapped her arms around herself and started rocking on the couch again. "Sometimes I still hate him for being that way. He was a bigot and a bully, and he wasn't good to the family or to me either. I don't think Steve and the gang would have thought much of him."
"How do you feel about that, Liv?"
She continued rocking and weeping for several moments before she answered. "I'm stuck in the middle. It's hard to love someone who's so hateful, but it's hard not to love your own brother. John-John always made things so damned difficult."
Steve noticed he was clenching his fists. He felt ridiculous being angry with a dead man, but he was furious. He wondered just what John-John had done to complicate things for Olivia in the past.
Dr. Gregg let her weep for a few moments then probed gently.
"Olivia?"
"What?"
"What is the problem here? Is it your problem, or John-John's? Or is there more than one?"
She covered her face with her hands and sobbed. The raw emotions tore at Steve's heart as she wailed, "I DON'T KNOW!"
Steve fought the urge to take her in his arms as Dr. Gregg gently but relentlessly pursued the issue.
"Do you want John-John to like your friends?"
"Yes!"
"Do you need him to like them?"
She didn't answer for so long that the doctor repeated his question.
"Liv, do you need John-John to like your friends? Do you need his approval?"
Reluctantly she said, "No, I care what he thinks, but he's not that important. I have to live my life for me."
"Then tell me, Liv," Dr. Gregg demanded kindly, "what is the problem concerning John-John?"
"I want him to know that I still love him even though my friends are people he would loathe."
"Why do you think he would doubt your love, Olivia?"
She bit her lips and wrung her hands. Several times, she began to sob and calmed herself again. Finally, she took a deep breath and answered the question.
"Because I don't think he ever knew he had my love to begin with. I wouldn't have chosen him if I'd had a choice. I never really liked him, but I did love him."
She hunched over, looking small and helpless, and Steve caught himself weeping to see her in so much turmoil. Dr. Gregg allowed her to cry for several minutes. Steve sat silently, his heart aching. Now he understood why she said it would be a rough day. Finally, Dr. Gregg took up the discussion again.
"Do you want to talk more about your relationship with John-John?"
Olivia wiped her nose on the back of her wrist. "No. Not today."
"Ok, then. Put it in the box and we'll deal with it another time."
Olivia sat up straight, folded her hands in her lap, and took several deep breaths. Her lower lip trembled for several moments. She shook her head, took another breath, let it out, and said, "Ok. It doesn't matter how John- John would feel about my friends. I can love them and love him."
"And you're ok with that?" Dr. Gregg asked.
She nodded, "Yes."
"Ok. Can we continue?"
"Yes."
"Would Benny like your friends?"
"Jesse would annoy him, because Benny is so sedate, but he wouldn't actively dislike Jesse. Benny would enjoy hearing about Steve's cases, he's always loved a mystery, and he would probably want to help Mark, Jesse, and Amanda with one of their schemes to help Steve crack a case. He'd also enjoy hunting and fishing with Steve, and he'd love to watch Amanda do an autopsy. He's always been fascinated by the way living things work."
She smiled.
"Benny's a lot like Steve…serious, methodical, fiercely protective. They'd be good friends."
"That makes you happy, doesn't it?"
Her smile widened.
"Yeah. Real happy."
Steve found himself smiling, too, and wishing he'd had the opportunity to meet Benny. He got the sense they were in the home stretch. Olivia was working through her problem today.
"How would your mama feel about your friends?"
"Oh, really," Olivia answered almost conversationally. "You don't even need to ask. Mama would love them all. They're good, honest, decent people, and they treat me well, and that's all that matters to her."
"Good. What about your daddy?"
"Hmm…"
She thought for a minute.
"It's hard to tell."
"Why?"
"Well, Daddy is illiterate. He's smart, but he never learned to read and write. I think Amanda and Steve would be sensitive to that and everything would be ok with them, but Jesse sometimes speaks before he thinks, and he might say something to hurt Daddy's feelings. Daddy would understand that it was just a slip, and he'd get over it eventually, but I'm afraid of what Mark might do."
Steve felt a flash of anger and resentment. His father would never intentionally do anything to offend Olivia's dad, and he felt she should know that. He took a deep breath to quell his emotions and listened to what she had to say.
"What would Mark do?"
"Well, I've noticed sometimes Mark likes to show off how smart he is. It's actually kind of amusing, but when he gets smug it can be rather annoying."
Steve rolled his eyes. He knew exactly what Olivia was saying. He'd seen it countless times, but he still didn't understand what his father could do that would be so horrible.
"Daddy's just as smart as Mark, but he's never had the opportunity for an education. He grew up dyslexic in a time and place where kids with learning disabilities were labeled either stupid or lazy. He's always been very sensitive about his ignorance. Sometimes, he'd ask me to read to him from one of my schoolbooks, but…" she paused for a deep, steadying breath and continued. "But if anyone came in, I had to pretend he was helping me with my schoolwork. I think I might have been the only one who knew he couldn't read. Mama probably suspected, but I don't think he ever told her."
She started to weep again, and Steve choked up. He could see where she was going now, and he felt her sympathy for her father. Her father had been cheated of the opportunities his dad had enjoyed.
"Daddy ran a farm for thirty years and raised six children. Farmers are not stupid people. He could quote the entire King James Bible chapter and verse, even all the begats in Genesis. I know, because he made me read it to him over and over until he memorized it. He knew all the lines to Inherit the Wind, and he could play any song he ever heard on the piano. But he was uneducated. All Mark would have to do would be put on that air of superiority one time, and he would make Daddy feel about two inches tall. Daddy would resent it forever."
Steve felt as if he'd been clobbered with a brick. He'd always somewhat enjoyed watching his dad make criminals look stupid. He'd never realized that Mark's little routine could be hurtful to someone. Granted, there were times when he felt frustrated that his dad would make him feel foolish as he led him to a conclusion he hadn't seen before, but it had never bothered him for long.
"Do you think Mark would do that to your dad?"
"Not if he knew how sensitive Daddy was, but unless I told him, he'd find it impossible to resist."
"What would happen if you forewarned Mark about your dad's situation?"
Olivia thought a moment.
"Mark is a kind man. He'd understand, and he'd never do anything to belittle Daddy. Eventually I think Daddy would learn to trust Mark, and then he would use the relationship to educate himself. I think Mark would enjoy that, too, because he likes helping others. But if daddy were alive, telling someone about his problems, that's kind of like betraying a trust."
"So you're saying you wouldn't tell anyone that your dad was illiterate."
"Well, I don't know. I guess I'd find a way to tell them without really telling them. It's not really honorable, but I could live with it."
"Ok, and you think all your friends would be sensitive to your dad's situation."
"Absolutely."
"So is there a problem?"
"I…I guess not."
"Are your friends really replacing your family, Liv?"
After a long silence, she shook her head and said, "No."
"And for the most part, your family would find something to like about all of them, wouldn't they?"
"Yes."
"And you can accept the fact that john-John is the way he is and because of that he won't like any of them, can't you?"
"I guess."
"Then what's the problem?"
Olivia became perfectly still. She sat there for the longest time, then said, "I don't know."
Very softly, Dr. Gregg said, "I don't believe you. What is the problem, Liv? The real problem."
She sat still. Steve noticed her breathing speeding up slightly. Her hands began to fidget, and tears slipped down both cheeks again. She started to rock back and forth.
"Liv…"
"They're dead!" She wailed, "They're all dead, and I've never been happier in my life! How dare I be so happy when they're dead? It's…it's obscene! It's wrong. Being alive should be enough; I don't have the right to expect anything more. Oh, God, I'm so ashamed!" The last wail degenerated into sobs.
Steve felt his chest tighten. All along, she'd been holding back because she felt guilty for being happy. Dear God, how hard it must have been for her! He wondered if he could have done something to make it easier. Dr. Gregg let her cry for a long time. He didn't hush her or try to soothe her, but to his credit, she still had his undivided attention.
Very gradually, the sobs gave way to sniffles. Finally, she gave a big sigh and said, "Why do I feel so guilty?"
"You tell me, Liv," Dr. Gregg said softly.
She shrugged.
The doctor waited.
And waited.
When she spoke, her voice held no emotion. "Beth never got to grow up. She was only nine years old when it happened. None of the boys ever fell in love or got married. Mama and Daddy never had grandchildren. I've had a good life, and they never got to share it."
"Is that your fault, Liv?"
She shook her head.
"Would your family want you to give up your happiness just because they weren't there? Would they want you to feel sad and cry for the rest of your life?"
Again, she shook her head no.
"Are you afraid you'll forget them in your happiness?"
After a long pause, she nodded slowly.
"What can you do to keep that from happening?"
She spoke softly. "Talk about them, keep their pictures around, remember them in my prayers…"
"You already do all of that, don't you?"
She nodded.
"What else?"
She shrugged. "There's my book," she said humbly. "It's not much, just a bunch of stories about things that happened while they were alive, but when it gets published the whole world will know about them. I just got an advance check, and I'm going to give it to the clinic back home, in their names."
"That sounds like a nice tribute," Dr. Gregg said.
Olivia nodded and gave a soft smile.
"Then what's the problem?"
She thought about it a long time. When she answered, it was in a tiny voice.
"My friends here don't know what happened. I have to be so careful in what I say so they don't ask questions that are too hard to answer. Sometimes it's just easier not to say anything."
"Would it be easier to remember them if your friends knew what had happened?"
She nodded.
"What can you do about that?"
"Tell them," she whispered.
"Are you ready to do that?"
"Mark, and now Steve, already know about the fire. I want to tell Steve more, but I don't think I can tell Jesse and Amanda."
Steve knew he shouldn't jump in, but he couldn't help himself.
"Liv, it's Steve. Would it be easier if I told them?"
Dr. Gregg glared at him but didn't say anything. Olivia's face brightened.
"Would you?"
"When you're ready, if you want."
"Ok."
There was a long silence. Dr. Gregg broke it.
"Olivia? Have we finished with this issue?"
She smiled, "Yes."
"Can you tell me what we've resolved?"
"If I can tell Steve and his friends all about what happened to my family, then I can talk about them and remember them. If I remember them, I can be happy and not feel guilty, because their memories will be alive in me."
"Would your family be ok with that?"
She nodded. "I think that's what they would want. I'm allowed to love someone again. I have a right to be happy, and I don't think any of them would object."
"Ok. Do we need to put this shadow back in the box, or is it gone?"
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She grinned broadly. "It's gone."
"Ok. In that case, I want you to sit in the sun for a minute. Then when I count to ten, wake up, ok?"
"Mmm-hmm."
Steve watched as her breathing deepened again. She seemed more relaxed than he'd ever seen her. As Dr. Gregg counted, her breathing became normal. On ten, her eyes opened and she looked right at Steve.
"You're still here."
"Yep."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
"Are we ok?"
He smiled. "Yep."
"Good." She turned to Dr. Gregg and said, "I don't want to talk about John- John for a while. It's going to be hard to deal with, and I'm not up to it right now."
Dr. Gregg nodded. "I think that's a wise decision, Liv, but there is something I'm going to ask you to do."
She looked very nervous, but she asked, "What's that?"
"Next time we meet…say Monday afternoon?"
Olivia nodded.
"I want you to be able to tell me when and where and how you're going to tell Steve all about the fire. I think when the time comes, it will go easier on you if you rehearse it first."
"I think you're right, Peter. I'll give it a lot of thought this weekend."
Turning to Steve, the doctor said, "If you ever come here again, don't you dare talk to her when she's hypnotized. I'll give you a tablet and if you have something to say, you can write it down. Is that clear?"
"Yes, sir," Steve agreed contritely. "May I ask a question?"
"What is it?"
"What did you mean when you told Olivia to 'sit in the sun'?"
Olivia grinned and explained for him. "It's part of the light and dark metaphor we use. When I work through a problem, I need to take a minute and enjoy the knowledge that I've resolved something. If the problems are darkness, then that moment when they're resolved is sitting in the sun."
"I see."
"Do you have any more questions?" Dr. Gregg asked.
Steve shook his head, "Not right now. Can I come back later if others occur to me?"
The doctor and Olivia exchanged a look, and the doctor said, "I suppose, but they'll have to be specific and limited to what you saw here today."
"I understand."
"Ok, then," Olivia said, standing. "I guess we're done for the day."
She shook Peter's hand, and so did Steve, then she looped her arm through his and walked out with him.
Steve arrived at the hospital at twenty minutes before one, easily found a parking spot, and got to Olivia's office promptly at twelve forty-five. At first the captain had thrown a fit when Steve told him he would be needing more time off, but when Steve closed the office door and explained why, it was another matter. The captain was utterly devoted to his own wife, and understood what a man could go through when his heart was troubled.
"I can't give you any vacation right now, Sloan, so it will have to be a leave of absence. You need to take care of this so it doesn't have you preoccupied anymore. I want you to settle this so you can give the job your full attention and stay alive and do it right. Good luck, and let me know as soon as you schedule that trip."
"Yes, sir."
And that's all there was to it. Steve would go to the office every morning, and when Olivia needed him, he'd take the afternoons off. He'd work until she decided to go back east, then he would take some time off and go with her.
He'd only been waiting a minute when Olivia arrived and wrapped him in a hug. She unlocked the door, invited him in, and offered him a seat. As usual, she got right to the point.
"You know I've had some pretty bad things happen in my past, right?"
"Yeah."
"And you know I've tried to kill myself four times, right?"
"Yeah, I do."
"And you understand that that's not even the worst of my troubles, right?"
"I understand that you think that's not the worst of your troubles. Not knowing what the rest are, I can't say for sure, but I know there's more and that you think it might change my mind about you and us."
Olivia rested her elbows on the desk, folded her hands under her chin, and thought a moment. Then she nodded and said, "Good enough."
She leaned back in her chair and sighed. "Steve, I carry around more baggage than a skycap on a holiday weekend, and I have more hang-ups than a broken answering machine. This afternoon you're going to learn more about the reasons why."
"Ok. I'm ready."
She nodded and said, "I hope so. Something happened to me when I was a kid for which I needed to see a psychiatrist. Then for a while, I didn't see one, but after my misadventures in the woods with Ted and Keith, I needed help again, and for the past twelve years, I have been seeing a psychiatrist at least once a week."
Steve tried to reassure her. "As far as I'm concerned, seeing a shrink is no different than a diabetic taking insulin or an asthmatic using an inhaler. You're doing what you need to do to stay healthy. There have been times when something at work has caused me to need help. Please don't think I'd judge you because of that. I'll do anything to help."
She smiled brightly. "Thanks, Steve. What you see today might make you uncomfortable," she said, "but I need for you to understand what this involves."
"Any time you want me there, I will be."
She stood up and extended a hand to him. He accepted it, and he let her lead him through the hospital to the psychiatric unit. There they went to one of the offices, greeted the receptionist and were shown in to the doctor's main office. It was a good-sized room with deep pile carpet and burgundy leather furniture. A mahogany desk and bookstand filled much of the room, and a few green plants completed the picture.
They waited a few minutes in uneasy silence. Then the doctor came in.
"Steve," Olivia introduced them, "this is doctor Peter Gregg. Peter, Steve Sloan."
"Mark's son, right?"
Steve nodded, "That's right."
"It's a pleasure to meet you. I've heard a lot about you from your dad. He's very proud of you."
Steve blushed slightly and said, "Thank you."
The three of them sat. Dr. Gregg and Steve took armchairs, and Olivia sat cross-legged on the couch.
"Olivia?" Dr. Gregg asked, "Do you want to begin?"
She addressed Steve in a tremulous voice. "Before we get started, there's something you need to know. I'll tell you what I can now, and the re--" She paused to regain her composure. "I'll tell you the rest later, but I can't answer a lot of questions about it right now, ok?"
Steve nodded and agreed, "Whatever you want, Liv."
She closed her eyes and began. "When I was…twelve years old…my entire family died…in a house fire… Mama and Daddy, the boys, my little sister. They…" Her voice broke. "They were just gone. I'm the only one left."
Steve moved to comfort her, but Dr. Gregg held him back. "Let her do this," he whispered. "She'll ask if she needs you."
Steve reluctantly sat back in his chair.
"It wasn't my fault, and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. It took me…six years…to admit that fact, and another four to really believe it." Her fingers picked at one of the tacks on the arm of the couch. She continued as if this little speech had been rehearsed. "In the meantime, I was so eaten up by guilt and grief I tried three times to kill myself. I have at various times in the past taken antidepressants and tranquilizers, but I've never been committed to a psychiatric hospital."
She opened her eyes and smiled weakly at him. "I haven't been on meds for the past ten years," she said. "That's something I'm really proud of."
Steve smiled back. "You've found out how strong you are."
"Sometimes I don't feel so strong, but I have found a faith that lifts me up when I fall down."
"It lifts up you, and those around you, sweetie," he told her.
She looked at Dr. Gregg for encouragement, and he nodded for her to continue.
"I brought you here today, Steve, because I want you to see what it takes for me to be the person I am outside this office."
When she saw his troubled frown, she elaborated.
"What you normally see is not an act. I don't pretend to be happy or excited or anything. The emotions you see are real, but I still have a lot of grief, guilt, and self-doubt that I put in an imaginary box. This is the only place I allow myself to open that box. I have to live this way because if I didn't, the negative emotions would overrun my life."
"So you come here to let those bad feelings out," Steve suggested.
She nodded. "And to talk about my concerns and discuss issues I'm facing. Every once in a while, some darkness spills out of the box and gets resolved, and goes away. Over the years, the inside of the box has gotten lighter and lighter. Some day, all the shadows will be gone. Then I can throw the box away."
Steve smiled encouragingly. "That's the funny thing about darkness, Liv. It disappears in the light."
She smiled back. "Exactly."
She took a deep breath and leaned back into the couch.
"Most days, I just come to Dr. Gregg for a quick visit to say hello and chat a bit, but other days, I call ahead and explain a problem I want to explore with him. Those days, he schedules a larger block of time for me. Today is going to be a tough day, Steve. I particularly chose to bring you here today for two reasons. First, I expect today to be about as bad as it gets. If you can handle what you see today, you should be able to handle the rest. Also, the issue I am dealing with concerns you and your dad and friends. I want you to know…what's going on inside me when I'm with all of you."
"God, Liv. If I've caused you any pain…"
"No, Steve, you've done nothing to hurt me. This problem isn't really about you. It's about me and how I feel about you."
"Ok. I think I get it."
"If not, you will," she promised. "Now, I'm going to go under hypnosis. It helps me deal with tough issues. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in bad feelings that I can't look outside of what's in my own head. Do you understand?"
"Do you mean it calms you down so you can think about why you're feeling what you're feeling?"
"Yeah, but more importantly, it lets me examine my emotions and decide whether they are reasonable or just an overreaction."
"Ok. I understand."
"If not, you will," she told him again. "Now, the first question Dr. Gregg is going to ask is if I really want you here. If I say no, please don't be hurt or offended. It just means that I'm not ready to let you see everything that's in the box. I've been working up to this for weeks now, and I think I'm ready, but I'm not sure. Understand?"
Steve nodded.
"If you feel too uncomfortable with what you see, just leave, but don't say anything. I'd appreciate it if you'd stick around the hospital so we can talk when I'm done, ok?"
He nodded again.
"Ok. Here we go."
Olivia settled back comfortably in the couch, closed her eyes, and started breathing deeply in through her nose and out through her mouth. When she exhaled, her lips formed what he thought was a delightfully kissable little "o". Suddenly, he felt ashamed to be lusting after her when she was placing herself in such a vulnerable position just so she could let herself get closer to him. He looked at Dr. Gregg and asked, "Shouldn't you be swinging a watch or something?"
The doctor laughed and said, "That's a common misconception. A focal point is helpful, but not necessary, especially with patients like Liv. She's been practicing self-hypnosis for years, and she can have herself under in less than a minute."
"Oh." Steve tried to match his own breathing to hers and found her respiration had slowed and deepened to a point where he was physically unable to follow her pace.
Soon Dr. Gregg asked, "Liv? You ready?"
With no trace of emotion in her voice, she said, "Yes."
"You know Steve is here today, right?"
"Yes."
"Do you want him to stay?"
A pause, "Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." There was no hesitation this time.
"Do you remember what you said you wanted to explore with me today?"
"Yes."
Steve began to realize that the one-word answers were part of the calming technique Olivia and Dr. Gregg used. He was giving her a chance to ease into the issue.
"Explain it for me."
She paused. "It's hard to put into words."
"Try, Liv. Take your time. Identifying the problem is the first step in solving it."
She nodded.
Her lovely, calm face rumpled into a frown.
"I love Steve and his family--Mark, Jesse, Amanda, and Carol so much. I feel like I have a real family again."
Steve felt a surge of pain and anger. How could she possibly think loving him was a "problem"?
Dr. Gregg seemed to be sharing his thoughts, because he asked, "Why does that trouble you, Liv?"
She shrugged, "I don't know."
"Don't know, or don't want to answer?"
She shrugged again and said nothing.
Steve was surprised at how calm she was. She had said that it was going to be a rough day, and so far, it had been rather dull. He didn't realize things were about to change.
Dr. Gregg asked, "How do you think your family feels about your loving these people?"
Much to Steve's surprise, a tear slipped down her cheek.
"I think they resent it, and I'm afraid they hate me for it. I think they feel like I've forgotten them, but I haven't. I'm so tired of being alone, and I've found good people who care about me."
She ran her fingers through her hair, covered her head with her hands, and began to rock.
"I've found something that makes me really happy, and I'm not going to give it up!" she wailed.
"Would your family want you to, Liv?" the doctor asked.
She stopped rocking and thought for a minute.
"I don't know, but it doesn't matter," she said petulantly. "I feel like a whole person again. I have real people who love me instead of just memories, and it feels good! I have a right to feel good…" she struggled to get the words out. "I have a right to feel good and happy and loved!"
"Do you?"
"Yes!"
"Do you really believe that?"
Sobs shook her body for several minutes. Steve stood to go to her, but the doctor motioned him to sit. He seethed quietly, watching her weep, but the doctor did not continue until she had calmed down considerably.
"Do you really believe you have a right to be happy and loved?"
"No," she whimpered.
Steve's heart broke for her. The back of his throat burned with tears wanting to fall for her.
"Why?"
"Because I'm still alive and that should be enough."
Her weeping crescendoed again. She screamed and wailed her grief. Steve looked to Dr. Gregg for permission to comfort her, but the doctor shook his head no. Steve clenched his teeth and watched as Olivia fought twin demons of guilt and grief. She was not the woman he had known for four months. Even when she had told him about Ted, she had never raged like this. She looked like a mad woman, tearing her hair and gnashing her teeth.
The outburst went on and on until she grew too tired to continue. Finally, she calmed down again, and the doctor spoke.
"Why would it bother your family that you have people to care for you?"
Steve was enraged when he began again with questions instead of words of comfort, but he had gotten the message. Olivia and Dr. Gregg engaged in this sort of give-and-take on a regular basis, and he was not to interfere. He might get angry with the doctor, but whatever happened, he would not leave unless Olivia asked.
"I think…my family might be angry…that they're being replaced." Her words came between hiccups and sniffles. "My happiness…is in the present now, and they're…in the past."
She broke down again.
"I deserve to be happy, don't I?" she pleaded.
Steve's guts were in knots. It was killing him not to be able to help.
"Everyone does, Olivia," Dr. Gregg finally reassured her.
After Olivia quieted again, the doctor asked.
"That's why loving Steve is a problem, isn't it? Because he and his family are making you happy now and your family's gone."
Tears were still dripping from her face. She sniffled and said in a childish voice, "Uh-huh."
"Liv," said the doctor gently, "let's talk about how your family would feel about each of your new friends. Start with Beth. Would she like them?"
Olivia smiled warmly through her tears.
"Beth would adore them all. I've seen Steve and Jesse with Amanda's boys, and they're both so good with kids. She'd think they're a lot of fun. Amanda's so sweet and gentle, Beth'd want to sit in her lap for a story, but she'd really latch onto Mark. Beth's smart as a whip, and Mark would indulge her curiosity. She'd cling to him for everything he would teach her."
Steve did some quick mental math and realized that if Beth were alive she would be in her early thirties. He figured it was probably natural for Olivia to think of her family as they were the last time they were alive, but he was mildly amused at the thought of a thirty-year-old woman sitting in Amanda's lap with a storybook.
"So Beth would like your friends?"
Olivia grinned, "Oh, my God, yes."
"How about Andy?"
She chuckled.
"He's so much like Jesse. They would either get along famously or bicker all the time. The first thing Andy would want to do is get Steve to teach him to surf. Mark and Amanda would humor him, and he'd like them fine."
"And Pauly?"
Olivia's good humor fell away instantly.
"Pauly has always been in trouble. If they tried to keep him out of it, he'd resent the hell out of them."
Steve was surprised at the mild expletive. He'd never heard Olivia swear before.
"If they got him out of trouble, he wouldn't appreciate it, and he'd try to use Steve to cover his tail if he did something really wrong. Of course, Steve would never do that, and Pauly would try to drag me into the middle of it."
"So Pauly would have nothing positive to say about any of them?"
She thought for a minute.
"Well…"
"Yes?"
"Pauly always defended me when the other kids would pick on me. I was an easy target because I was so small, and he'd whup their behinds if they didn't leave me alone. I think he'd appreciate the fact that Steve, Jesse, Amanda, and Mark would take up for me if I needed help. He might use them and manipulate them, but he'd thank them for taking care of me."
"Is that all?"
"Well, he'd also be glad that Steve's such a decent guy. Pauly knew he was a hell-raiser, and he knew what grief he put the family through, but he wouldn't stand for anyone else hurting us. Once he said if a troublemaker like him ever came 'sniffing around' me he'd kick his butt and beat mine if he caught me talking to the creep. He'd be glad they're all decent, clean- living people."
"Would he resent their relationship with you?"
"No." She shook her head. "He'd resent their trying to help him, but he wouldn't mind them being my friends."
"What about John-John?"
"What do you think?" she asked angrily.
"I don't know, Liv." Dr. Gregg said. "He's your brother."
"How the hell did that happen? I'd like to know." Tossing her head as she spoke each name, Olivia listed the problems. "Amanda's black, Steve's a cop, Jesse's…I don't know. Just the way he is would get on John-John's nerves, and Mark's nosey. He'd hate them all. John-John's an ignorant ass."
Steve was stunned. He'd never realized race was an issue in Olivia's family, and he hadn't thought that her family might not share her feelings about his being a cop. Moreover, he was appalled at how much she seemed to resent her brother. He had thought she was close to all her family.
"So," asked Dr. Gregg, "does it bother you to think how he might feel about your friends?"
"Hell, yes!"
Steve could see she was becoming increasingly agitated again. The biggest surprise to this point had been her use of profanity, but so far, she had managed to regain her composure each time she lost it. Frankly, he found himself more comfortable with her anger than he was with her grief and guilt.
"John-John might be a jackass, but he's my brother, and I love him in spite of himself. It hurts me…" Her voice cracked and she had to start over, "It hurts me to think that he would despise people I love so much."
She had wrapped her arms around herself and started rocking on the couch again. "Sometimes I still hate him for being that way. He was a bigot and a bully, and he wasn't good to the family or to me either. I don't think Steve and the gang would have thought much of him."
"How do you feel about that, Liv?"
She continued rocking and weeping for several moments before she answered. "I'm stuck in the middle. It's hard to love someone who's so hateful, but it's hard not to love your own brother. John-John always made things so damned difficult."
Steve noticed he was clenching his fists. He felt ridiculous being angry with a dead man, but he was furious. He wondered just what John-John had done to complicate things for Olivia in the past.
Dr. Gregg let her weep for a few moments then probed gently.
"Olivia?"
"What?"
"What is the problem here? Is it your problem, or John-John's? Or is there more than one?"
She covered her face with her hands and sobbed. The raw emotions tore at Steve's heart as she wailed, "I DON'T KNOW!"
Steve fought the urge to take her in his arms as Dr. Gregg gently but relentlessly pursued the issue.
"Do you want John-John to like your friends?"
"Yes!"
"Do you need him to like them?"
She didn't answer for so long that the doctor repeated his question.
"Liv, do you need John-John to like your friends? Do you need his approval?"
Reluctantly she said, "No, I care what he thinks, but he's not that important. I have to live my life for me."
"Then tell me, Liv," Dr. Gregg demanded kindly, "what is the problem concerning John-John?"
"I want him to know that I still love him even though my friends are people he would loathe."
"Why do you think he would doubt your love, Olivia?"
She bit her lips and wrung her hands. Several times, she began to sob and calmed herself again. Finally, she took a deep breath and answered the question.
"Because I don't think he ever knew he had my love to begin with. I wouldn't have chosen him if I'd had a choice. I never really liked him, but I did love him."
She hunched over, looking small and helpless, and Steve caught himself weeping to see her in so much turmoil. Dr. Gregg allowed her to cry for several minutes. Steve sat silently, his heart aching. Now he understood why she said it would be a rough day. Finally, Dr. Gregg took up the discussion again.
"Do you want to talk more about your relationship with John-John?"
Olivia wiped her nose on the back of her wrist. "No. Not today."
"Ok, then. Put it in the box and we'll deal with it another time."
Olivia sat up straight, folded her hands in her lap, and took several deep breaths. Her lower lip trembled for several moments. She shook her head, took another breath, let it out, and said, "Ok. It doesn't matter how John- John would feel about my friends. I can love them and love him."
"And you're ok with that?" Dr. Gregg asked.
She nodded, "Yes."
"Ok. Can we continue?"
"Yes."
"Would Benny like your friends?"
"Jesse would annoy him, because Benny is so sedate, but he wouldn't actively dislike Jesse. Benny would enjoy hearing about Steve's cases, he's always loved a mystery, and he would probably want to help Mark, Jesse, and Amanda with one of their schemes to help Steve crack a case. He'd also enjoy hunting and fishing with Steve, and he'd love to watch Amanda do an autopsy. He's always been fascinated by the way living things work."
She smiled.
"Benny's a lot like Steve…serious, methodical, fiercely protective. They'd be good friends."
"That makes you happy, doesn't it?"
Her smile widened.
"Yeah. Real happy."
Steve found himself smiling, too, and wishing he'd had the opportunity to meet Benny. He got the sense they were in the home stretch. Olivia was working through her problem today.
"How would your mama feel about your friends?"
"Oh, really," Olivia answered almost conversationally. "You don't even need to ask. Mama would love them all. They're good, honest, decent people, and they treat me well, and that's all that matters to her."
"Good. What about your daddy?"
"Hmm…"
She thought for a minute.
"It's hard to tell."
"Why?"
"Well, Daddy is illiterate. He's smart, but he never learned to read and write. I think Amanda and Steve would be sensitive to that and everything would be ok with them, but Jesse sometimes speaks before he thinks, and he might say something to hurt Daddy's feelings. Daddy would understand that it was just a slip, and he'd get over it eventually, but I'm afraid of what Mark might do."
Steve felt a flash of anger and resentment. His father would never intentionally do anything to offend Olivia's dad, and he felt she should know that. He took a deep breath to quell his emotions and listened to what she had to say.
"What would Mark do?"
"Well, I've noticed sometimes Mark likes to show off how smart he is. It's actually kind of amusing, but when he gets smug it can be rather annoying."
Steve rolled his eyes. He knew exactly what Olivia was saying. He'd seen it countless times, but he still didn't understand what his father could do that would be so horrible.
"Daddy's just as smart as Mark, but he's never had the opportunity for an education. He grew up dyslexic in a time and place where kids with learning disabilities were labeled either stupid or lazy. He's always been very sensitive about his ignorance. Sometimes, he'd ask me to read to him from one of my schoolbooks, but…" she paused for a deep, steadying breath and continued. "But if anyone came in, I had to pretend he was helping me with my schoolwork. I think I might have been the only one who knew he couldn't read. Mama probably suspected, but I don't think he ever told her."
She started to weep again, and Steve choked up. He could see where she was going now, and he felt her sympathy for her father. Her father had been cheated of the opportunities his dad had enjoyed.
"Daddy ran a farm for thirty years and raised six children. Farmers are not stupid people. He could quote the entire King James Bible chapter and verse, even all the begats in Genesis. I know, because he made me read it to him over and over until he memorized it. He knew all the lines to Inherit the Wind, and he could play any song he ever heard on the piano. But he was uneducated. All Mark would have to do would be put on that air of superiority one time, and he would make Daddy feel about two inches tall. Daddy would resent it forever."
Steve felt as if he'd been clobbered with a brick. He'd always somewhat enjoyed watching his dad make criminals look stupid. He'd never realized that Mark's little routine could be hurtful to someone. Granted, there were times when he felt frustrated that his dad would make him feel foolish as he led him to a conclusion he hadn't seen before, but it had never bothered him for long.
"Do you think Mark would do that to your dad?"
"Not if he knew how sensitive Daddy was, but unless I told him, he'd find it impossible to resist."
"What would happen if you forewarned Mark about your dad's situation?"
Olivia thought a moment.
"Mark is a kind man. He'd understand, and he'd never do anything to belittle Daddy. Eventually I think Daddy would learn to trust Mark, and then he would use the relationship to educate himself. I think Mark would enjoy that, too, because he likes helping others. But if daddy were alive, telling someone about his problems, that's kind of like betraying a trust."
"So you're saying you wouldn't tell anyone that your dad was illiterate."
"Well, I don't know. I guess I'd find a way to tell them without really telling them. It's not really honorable, but I could live with it."
"Ok, and you think all your friends would be sensitive to your dad's situation."
"Absolutely."
"So is there a problem?"
"I…I guess not."
"Are your friends really replacing your family, Liv?"
After a long silence, she shook her head and said, "No."
"And for the most part, your family would find something to like about all of them, wouldn't they?"
"Yes."
"And you can accept the fact that john-John is the way he is and because of that he won't like any of them, can't you?"
"I guess."
"Then what's the problem?"
Olivia became perfectly still. She sat there for the longest time, then said, "I don't know."
Very softly, Dr. Gregg said, "I don't believe you. What is the problem, Liv? The real problem."
She sat still. Steve noticed her breathing speeding up slightly. Her hands began to fidget, and tears slipped down both cheeks again. She started to rock back and forth.
"Liv…"
"They're dead!" She wailed, "They're all dead, and I've never been happier in my life! How dare I be so happy when they're dead? It's…it's obscene! It's wrong. Being alive should be enough; I don't have the right to expect anything more. Oh, God, I'm so ashamed!" The last wail degenerated into sobs.
Steve felt his chest tighten. All along, she'd been holding back because she felt guilty for being happy. Dear God, how hard it must have been for her! He wondered if he could have done something to make it easier. Dr. Gregg let her cry for a long time. He didn't hush her or try to soothe her, but to his credit, she still had his undivided attention.
Very gradually, the sobs gave way to sniffles. Finally, she gave a big sigh and said, "Why do I feel so guilty?"
"You tell me, Liv," Dr. Gregg said softly.
She shrugged.
The doctor waited.
And waited.
When she spoke, her voice held no emotion. "Beth never got to grow up. She was only nine years old when it happened. None of the boys ever fell in love or got married. Mama and Daddy never had grandchildren. I've had a good life, and they never got to share it."
"Is that your fault, Liv?"
She shook her head.
"Would your family want you to give up your happiness just because they weren't there? Would they want you to feel sad and cry for the rest of your life?"
Again, she shook her head no.
"Are you afraid you'll forget them in your happiness?"
After a long pause, she nodded slowly.
"What can you do to keep that from happening?"
She spoke softly. "Talk about them, keep their pictures around, remember them in my prayers…"
"You already do all of that, don't you?"
She nodded.
"What else?"
She shrugged. "There's my book," she said humbly. "It's not much, just a bunch of stories about things that happened while they were alive, but when it gets published the whole world will know about them. I just got an advance check, and I'm going to give it to the clinic back home, in their names."
"That sounds like a nice tribute," Dr. Gregg said.
Olivia nodded and gave a soft smile.
"Then what's the problem?"
She thought about it a long time. When she answered, it was in a tiny voice.
"My friends here don't know what happened. I have to be so careful in what I say so they don't ask questions that are too hard to answer. Sometimes it's just easier not to say anything."
"Would it be easier to remember them if your friends knew what had happened?"
She nodded.
"What can you do about that?"
"Tell them," she whispered.
"Are you ready to do that?"
"Mark, and now Steve, already know about the fire. I want to tell Steve more, but I don't think I can tell Jesse and Amanda."
Steve knew he shouldn't jump in, but he couldn't help himself.
"Liv, it's Steve. Would it be easier if I told them?"
Dr. Gregg glared at him but didn't say anything. Olivia's face brightened.
"Would you?"
"When you're ready, if you want."
"Ok."
There was a long silence. Dr. Gregg broke it.
"Olivia? Have we finished with this issue?"
She smiled, "Yes."
"Can you tell me what we've resolved?"
"If I can tell Steve and his friends all about what happened to my family, then I can talk about them and remember them. If I remember them, I can be happy and not feel guilty, because their memories will be alive in me."
"Would your family be ok with that?"
She nodded. "I think that's what they would want. I'm allowed to love someone again. I have a right to be happy, and I don't think any of them would object."
"Ok. Do we need to put this shadow back in the box, or is it gone?"
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She grinned broadly. "It's gone."
"Ok. In that case, I want you to sit in the sun for a minute. Then when I count to ten, wake up, ok?"
"Mmm-hmm."
Steve watched as her breathing deepened again. She seemed more relaxed than he'd ever seen her. As Dr. Gregg counted, her breathing became normal. On ten, her eyes opened and she looked right at Steve.
"You're still here."
"Yep."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
"Are we ok?"
He smiled. "Yep."
"Good." She turned to Dr. Gregg and said, "I don't want to talk about John- John for a while. It's going to be hard to deal with, and I'm not up to it right now."
Dr. Gregg nodded. "I think that's a wise decision, Liv, but there is something I'm going to ask you to do."
She looked very nervous, but she asked, "What's that?"
"Next time we meet…say Monday afternoon?"
Olivia nodded.
"I want you to be able to tell me when and where and how you're going to tell Steve all about the fire. I think when the time comes, it will go easier on you if you rehearse it first."
"I think you're right, Peter. I'll give it a lot of thought this weekend."
Turning to Steve, the doctor said, "If you ever come here again, don't you dare talk to her when she's hypnotized. I'll give you a tablet and if you have something to say, you can write it down. Is that clear?"
"Yes, sir," Steve agreed contritely. "May I ask a question?"
"What is it?"
"What did you mean when you told Olivia to 'sit in the sun'?"
Olivia grinned and explained for him. "It's part of the light and dark metaphor we use. When I work through a problem, I need to take a minute and enjoy the knowledge that I've resolved something. If the problems are darkness, then that moment when they're resolved is sitting in the sun."
"I see."
"Do you have any more questions?" Dr. Gregg asked.
Steve shook his head, "Not right now. Can I come back later if others occur to me?"
The doctor and Olivia exchanged a look, and the doctor said, "I suppose, but they'll have to be specific and limited to what you saw here today."
"I understand."
"Ok, then," Olivia said, standing. "I guess we're done for the day."
She shook Peter's hand, and so did Steve, then she looped her arm through his and walked out with him.