Who's the real Perfect Soldier?

by Lady of Earth

Heero Yuy has always been called the Perfect Soldier, but his fellow pilots disagree. So, it's up to Usagi to decide who's the real perfect soldier.

I have no clue as to why I wrote this or what I was on when I wrote this. I didn't ask anyone to beta, so expect lots of mistakes. I just decided to upload it at the last minute and I'll delete it after a week or something I don't know. -_-;;

Who's The Real Perfect Soldier?

Written by: Lady of Earth (aka Aya-chan)

Summary: Heero Yuy has always been called the Perfect Soldier, but his fellow pilots disagree. So, it's up to Usagi to decide who's the real perfect soldier.

Genre: Humor

Rating: PG (mild cursing)

Warning: Insanity, OOC and totally pointless.

Disclaimer: Me own nothing. No character. No song. No quote. No story...err...well, I did write this story, so that's something. And I do own any insanity in this fic. :p

"So you're asking me?" Tsukino Usagi asked in amazement. The woman sitting opposite her nodded.

"You're the only one that can do it Usagi." She said seriously, taking a sip of her tea. "After all, this is a serious matter." Usagi frowned, an uncertain look on her face.

"If you say so."

'Although I highly doubt it.' She thought to herself.

"Well, I hope you can start as soon as possible, Usagi. This problem is getting way out of hand." The woman said again. Usagi sighed softly and nodded her head.

"I will try my best."

"I know you will." She looked at her watch and then got up. "You're our last hope, Usagi. If you fail...we fear the very worst."

"Till tomorrow...Une-san."

"Grown men, former Gundam pilots...and you're fighting over a mere TITLE?" Usagi cried out, she had been in the 'collective home' of the Gundam pilots, Quatre's Mansion in other words. She had come there thinking it would be some silly argument between Duo and Heero, with the former just being his usual teasing self and the matter would be taken care of in a matter of minutes.

How wrong.

The matter turned out to be between Duo, Heero and WUFEI. Yes, even the Chinese pilot is fighting for the title of Perfect Soldier. Not that he even needed the title, after all, he's perfect just the way he is...er...right, back to task at hand.

"Come on, the three of you! Be reasonable, you all are great fighters!" Usagi pointed out.

"Great fighters, yes. That is why I should be called the Perfect Soldier!" Wufei announced, prompting Usagi to groan. Not again.

"Hn."

"Hell no way! The Great Shinigami deserves that title, not YOU!" Exclaimed Duo.

"Dammit Duo!" Usagi shouted. "Can't you drop the title business?"

"NO!" Chorused the three pilots.

Usagi let out a frustrated sigh. "MEN!"

"What's going on?" A quiet voice asked. Usagi whirled around, nearly sobbing in relief at who it was.

"Trowa! You've got to help me!" She exclaimed.

"..........?"

"It's these three!" She said, pointing at the bickering trio. "They're having an argument over something so stupid!"

".........."

"It's nothing." Usagi said, waving her hand in dismissal. "They're fighting over the title of Perfect Soldier."

"........!"

"Apparently Duo and Wufei think that Heero doesn't deserve the title. Each of them wants to claim the title as their own! Trowa, can't you tell them to stop."

"Mission accepted." The quiet voice answered.

"And--um, what?" Usagi paused, eyes widening, trying to figure out whether or not she heard what she thought she heard. But before she could even ask anything, Trowa marched up to the three soldiers, currently bellowing loudly about why each of them think they should have the title.

There was a pause as the one-eyed ex-pilot stood in front of them.

"Tro-man! Come to tell these two that I should be awarded the title 'Perfect Soldier'?" Duo asked with a grin.

"Maxwell! Barton, you will do no such thing! Tell Yuy and Maxwell that *I*, should have the honor of being called the 'Perfect Soldier'. These two are weaklings! It's injustice that a man with the likes of Maxwell should even be considered for the title!" Trowa raised a visible eyebrow. A ranting Wufei, how....interesting. He looked expectantly at Heero.

"Hn." Yes, such is the answer from Heero Yuy. One grunt that has the power of a thousand words. Translation: If you even consider these two maniacs to be the Perfect Soldier, I will hunt you down and kill you and your family...whatever's left of them. Yes, Heero is a man of words.

"Usagi is right, you should stop this nonsense. You shouldn't waste precious time by arguing stupidly over this." Declared Trowa, causing three wide-eyed former Gundam pilots to stare at him and one blonde to look at him in awe. "Besides," he added. "I should be called the 'Perfect Soldier'."

And the war ensued as the other three shouted in protest over the motion. Usagi groaned, burying her face in her hands. She sat down on the couch, ready to cry. She watched helplessly at the *four* bickering pilots. Of all the lousy jobs in the world, Lady Une had to pick this one for her. Why the hell couldn't she be assigned something easier? Save the colonies from a new revolution, shut down presses for counter-revolutionary attempts, prevent attempts of terrorism from extremist groups....be Relena's bodyguard...err...scratch that. Dammit! Why does she have to be stuck with the job of trying to decide who should be called the Perfect Soldier???

An hour later...

"They're still going at it." Muttered Usagi, drinking her fourth cup of coffee of the day. No, she wasn't a caffeine addict. But that was the only thing around that she could drink. None of the guys wanted to shut up long enough to tell her where their stash of booze was hidden, so she was stuck with caffeine. With a little of alcohol in her system, she would at least have something else to worry about. Not puking her guts out on Quatre's Persian rugs would be one.

Speaking of Quatre...Usagi brightened as she spotted the blonde-haired Arabian enter the room. After all, Quatre had been gone on some business trip for a while now. And though he must be tired and jet-lagged by the experience, there can be no delay in this whole problem. Who knows what the four crazed pilots can do? Hell, no one ever thought Trowa would be able to speak much, let alone argue non-stop for an hour about why HE should be the Perfect Soldier.

"So what are you guys talking about?" Asked Quatre calmly. Usagi had begged him to be the peacemaker in this whole ordeal. And the blonde pilot had accepted the challenge, urging his fellow pilots to sit down and discuss the whole matter rationally. Or as rationally as they could.

"We're trying to convince Usa-girl that Heero here is NOT the real Perfect Soldier." Duo said.

"Hontoo ni?" Quatre said with interest.

"Yeah! I should be called the Perfect Soldier!" Exclaimed Duo, which was met by,

"Like hell you are!"

"Omae o korosu."

And a flat out, "No, you're not." from the normally quiet Trowa.

"Guys, settle down, onegai?" Pleaded Usagi, who was massaging her temples due to an on-coming headache.

"Usa-girl, you know I should be called the Perfect Soldier! I mean, look at me! Name one flaw that you can see!"

"I can name more than one." Snorted Wufei.

"Wu-man, I never asked you!"

"DON'T CALL ME WU-MAN!" Roared Wufei.

"Too late, already did." Duo said with a wide grin. "Fei-fei." He added, for good measure. Bad move Duo, baaaaaad move!

"OK, that's it!" Wufei shouted, whipping out his katana. "You can call me Wu-man, Wu-chan, Wu-wu....BUT FEI-FEI?"

"Nani? Where did he get that from?" Usagi asked in surprise, pointing at the katana.

"Forget this stupid Perfect Soldier business! Maxwell, stand still for five seconds." Wufei said, his tone of voice low and dangerous. Duo gulped, seeing the murderous look in his eyes.

"Aaw come on Fei...err, Wufei! I was only teasing!"

"No! You've crossed the line! You can steal my katana and replace it with a rubber sword, you can paint Nataku in fluorescent colors and even in pink, you can make me wear that stupid dress..." He paused, breathing heavily. "But never, ever, EVER...CALL ME FEI-FEI AGAIN!" And with a war cry, Wufei brought down his katana. Only to find he had cut nothing but air. Duo had taken off. "Get your weak ass back here, Maxwell!" Bellowed Wufei. "You little coward you!"

"Better a coward than a dead man!" Duo called back. Usagi groaned as she sat down on the couch.

"Usagi-san, are you alright?" Quatre asked in worry. Usagi managed a tired smile at him.

"I'll be alright. Just this whole thing...it's so stressful." Usagi explained.

"Aa, I see." He paused. "You know, I don't know why you're stressing when the answer is really simple."

"Nande? You mean YOU know who should be called the Perfect Soldier?" Usagi asked. Heero and Trowa watched with quiet interest.

Meanwhile...

"Maxwell! I'll do you a favor." Wufei said, eyes searching around the room for a sign of the braided pilot.

"You'll forget about this and let me live?" A muffled voice asked.

"No. I'll make it quick so you won't feel a thing. I'll save your cowardly ass by making you a hero." Wufei said, a mad glint in his eyes.

"Now why would I want to be Heero?" Asked Duo, getting out of his hiding place with a curious look on his face. Wufei smacked his forehead.

"I said 'hero' not Heero!" He exclaimed in exasperation. "No matter! I will kill you now!"

"Kuso!" And Duo took off again, this time heading back into the room where his fellow pilot and the blonde woman were sitting.

"Of course! The answer is obvious." Quatre said, shrugging.

"So who do you think it should be then?" Asked Usagi.

"Well, you have to think of this from a rational point of view, of course. The person that has earned the title of Perfect Soldier is the person who has accomplished a lot, for himself and also for the 'Gundam' team. And there's only been one person."

"So who is it?" Asked Trowa. Duo skidded to a stop, seeing the serious look on the others' faces.

"What are you guys talking about?"

"Quatre knows who should be called the Perfect Soldier." Usagi explained.

"Soo ka? Hey, Wufei, Q-man seems to know who the Perfect Soldier is." Duo said to the other pilot, he was still holding his beloved katana. But apparently, the topic of Perfect Soldier is more important to Wufei than killing Duo.

"Tell us then, Winner."

"Like I said, it's obvious."

"Well?"

"Well...me."

"WHAT?"

Usagi sunk back into the chair, burying her face in her hands. She had thought Duo might have fussed over it or maybe Wufei...Trowa had come as a surprise. But Quatre? Since when did the caring, sweet blonde become so self-absorbed? He must be spending too much time with Duo...Oh hell, they ALL must have been spending too much time with Duo! That had to be the reason why they had this fight in the first place. For crying out loud, she could have sworn that Trowa would have strained his voice if he spoke more than a minute!

As the pilots bicker among each other and she could hear comments such as,

"This is ridiculous! You all know it's just that I get the title of Perfect Soldier."

"Come on! Shinigami says that I'm the best!"

"I may be silent, but I'm better than all of you."

"Omae o korosu, the title belongs to me."

"What do you mean I can't be the Perfect Soldier? Since when did a perfect soldier have to be stoic and suicidal like Heero? A perfect soldier should be a kind and caring person and a good pilot!"

Shaking her head, she got up and then quietly left the room. There was no way she was going to spend the rest of the day with five bickering pilots. And especially not since they're fighting about something as stupid as the title 'Perfect Soldier'.

That night...

"Ne, Usa-chan?"

"Hmm?" Usagi said, sighing in content to be in her boyfriend's arms. The pilots had finally relented by midnight about who should be called the Perfect Soldier. Usagi nearly burst to tears when they all were finally quiet. But the main reason they quieted down was that they've run their larynx dry by shouting the whole day. So technically, they didn't really stop the argument. It's put on hold until one of them can speak again.

"Who do you think should be called the Perfect Soldier, really?" --OK, so Heero could still speak. But it wasn't fun to argue without anyone arguing back anyway. And Duo, Wufei, Quatre and Trowa all lost their voices.-- She couldn't help it, she groaned, pulling away from his embrace.

"Can't you just drop it?" She pleaded. But the no-nonsense look on Heero's face clearly stated that he wanted to know her opinion. She wanted to sulk, but then a devious scheme developed in her head. Hiding a smirk she said innocently, "Do you really want to know?"

He nodded.

"Well, I think Quatre should be called the Perfect Soldier."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?"

And all is right in the world.

Hate it? Love it? Want to kill me? Review and let me know.