~Time for Change~
~*~Chandler~*~
I was very upset with everything that had been going on. Even though the accident wasn't my fault, I still felt guilty. It should have been me, not Ross, who had taken that taxi. If I had just been a little less selfish, things would be exactly the same now as they were 2 days ago. But no, once lazy, always lazy...I had just wanted to be a little late for work, have to do a little less interaction at the office. I didn't know that letting Ross take the first cab would be so disastrous. It was something he and I did often, something we had done since college. I was always the last one to leave for work, the first to arrive home. If I hadn't been so damn lazy, none of this would have happened.
I can still hear the sounds of the crashing metal in my mind, I can still hear the echoes and cries for help, the sirens wailing in the distance. Before I saw the accident, I knew it was him. One moment I was standing in front of my apartment building, waiting for the next available taxi to come by, and the next I found myself running down three blocks in the village, hoping and praying that it wasn't my friend.
Bleecker Street was lined with people who had witnessed the accident, and the whole area was at a standstill. Rushing up to the scene, I wondered why none of these bystanders were helping. Fear gripped at my heart as I frantically looked to see what the taxi number was, and when I saw it, I nearly passed out. It was as if my whole world stopped at that one second. Supposedly, there were three cars involved, but there was no evidence to support that. It looked like a big hunk of metal to me, no form evident on any part.
I ran up to the car, but before I got there, I was held back by a uniformed police officer. I had pulled away, trying to explain that my brother-in- law, my best friend, was in that car, and I had to see if he made it. The grim look on the officer's face further grounded the fact that he probably didn't make it in my mind. I didn't know if I should wait for news or call Monica first, and somewhere in the back of my mind I thought about Rachel, 3 months pregnant, who would be waiting at home for her husband.
As my mind tried to process all of this information, my thoughts drifted to the last thing Ross and I had talked about. He and Rachel, his wife, were going out that night to celebrate their 3 year wedding anniversary. We had always known they'd make it, even with the whole Chloe fiasco, and all of us had been relieved when they reunited at the beach, marrying not long after that. I knew she'd be crushed to hear of this, and I didn't want to be the one to tell her.
A familiar voice had brought me out of my thoughts, and I turned to face Phoebe, who was looking at the scene grimly. She was wondering why I was so upset, and when I told her that Ross was in the accident, it was as if I had broken her. Her face had paled as the news sunk in, and she had to sit down on the curb as her knees gave out. She didn't cry at first, and the silence between us was chilling. I pulled her in for a hug, not wanting to be alone to think of this, and knowing that she was just as shocked about this as I was. Together, we went back to my apartment to tell Monica the news.
Rachel was at my apartment when I got there, she and Monica had went shopping for baby furniture. Monica always wanted to be prepared, and Rachel was eager to get the nursery in her and Ross's apartment set up. Rachel's pregnancy had been a hard piece of news for Monica to take in. She and I had been trying to have children since we got married, almost a year ago, and we had no luck so far. But once she got over the initial jealousy, around the time Rachel started getting morning sickness, she had been very eager to help out in any way.
I wasn't sure if telling them together would be a good or bad idea, but I didn't have much of a choice. I'm sure Monica knew something was wrong the moment Phoebe and I walked in. I motioned for Phoebe to get Joey from across the hall, so we would only have to tell this story once.
No one took the news well... as if there was a good way to take it? Monica had immediately burst into tears, throwing herself in my arms hysterically. She and her brother hadn't always been very close, but since adulthood they had become as close as they could be. He wasn't only her brother, he was also one of her best friends, and I could just feel the pain radiating from her body as she clung to me, her sobs filling the room.
In fact, she was the only one crying. Phoebe was still silent and somber, probably still trying to make heads or tails of the situation. Joey looked on with innocent eyes, all of his pain visible on his face. It occurred to me that he would probably never be the same. Joey had always been the one out of our group who was naive in everything except sex. Parts of him were just like a child, and the expression on his face made me remember that. He looked as if I just told him that someone ran over his puppy. His eyes were full of tears, which he didn't let fall, and he excused himself to his own apartment, where I was sure he was going to cry.
Rachel had simply stood, trembling, and gathered her things, making her way towards the door. I caught her eye, and she bit her lip, looking down and not wanting to meet my gaze. I wasn't sure what was going on inside of her head, but I was sure that she wasn't in a very good place. Phoebe must have sensed the same thing, because she got up and followed Rachel out of the apartment, and I heard her talking to Rachel in the hall, although I couldn't make out what was being said.
No one knew how bad I felt, no one knew that it was my fault. Monica would have said that I was being crazy, that I had no idea that the taxi would have crashed, but I knew deep down in my heart that it should have been me in that wreck, it should not have been Ross.
And here we were, the next morning, although still dark out, numb and not knowing what to do. I assumed Phoebe had spent the night with Rachel or Joey, I hadn't seen any of them since they left the apartment. Monica had cried herself to sleep, but had been plagued with nightmares all night. I didn't know what to say to soothe her, I was just as shaken up as she was. He may not have been my brother, but I still considered him family, he was the first friend that I had kept for longer than a few months, who accepted me for who I was, and he was gone.
It was at that exact moment that I felt the tears burn my eyes. He was one of a kind, irreplaceable, and gone forever.
Monica came into the room, black circles under her eyes, her face pale. It was obvious she was a wreck, and it was only going to get worse with the funeral tomorrow morning. She walked into the kitchen, pouring herself a cup of coffee, going through the motions of a normal morning. She sat down at the table, unaware that I was watching her. I hated to see her like this, almost zombie like, and I didn't want to imagine how the others were taking the news.
"Monica." I spoke softly, relieved when she looked up at me after a few moments of stillness. I held out my arms and she walked over to the couch, allowing me to hold her.
We sat in that position for awhile, my wife in my lap, her head leaning back against mine, our cheeks touching gently. I had my arms wrapped around her waist, and hers hands were on top of mine. After awhile, some of the tension drained from her body and she fell into a light sleep, as did I, neither one of us wanting to get up and deal with everything, just wanting to escape for a little bit.
~*~Phoebe~*~
I sat across the table from Rachel, trying to see what she was thinking, what was going on in her mind. I was vaguely aware of Monica's hysterical cries as she flung herself into Chandler's arms, and I could feel Joey's pain as he stood by me, I just couldn't get inside of Rachel's head, and it worried me.
It really hurt, knowing Ross was gone, but it was comforting that I could still feel his presence in the room. It either meant that he wasn't really gone or that he was here, spiritually. I suppose I should have been relieved, but I still wished he was here in the physical form. I could feel in the air that the worst was yet to come, and it terrified me to the very core to think something worse than Ross's death could happen.
I never really thought about our group being anything besides what it had always been. I never pictured us dying, or parting ways, I just always assumed we'd be around forever, or all go at the same time. I know it was foolish, but I had already been through so much loss, and I was just hoping that this would be different. I had never had anyone care for me as much as my friends did, and I don't think I ever will.
With this scary doom vibe hanging over me in the room, I was very aware of everything going on. Joey had left the apartment, but I knew he would be okay. It was the other three I was the most concerned about. Monica had lost a brother, Rachel a husband, and even though Chandler didn't admit it, I knew he felt responsible for the whole accident.
I was sensing everyone's auras when Rachel abruptly stood. She was beginning to scare me, she hadn't shown any emotion, and her aura was black and grey, which could only mean trouble was ahead. I saw Chandler looking at her, also worried, and I got up to follow her. Something told me I need to.
I followed her outside the apartment, and tried to get her to wait for me, but she walked on as if she didn't hear me. I caught up with her, and tried to get her to open up to me, but she didn't want to. She did allow me to walk her to her apartment, but she insisted she wanted to be alone, so there was nothing I could do but leave.
I went to Joey's, and he and I sat together for awhile, neither of us knowing what to say, or even wanting to speak. After a long silence, he looked at me with childlike eyes, "Why did this have to happen?"
"He fulfilled his purpose here." I told him gently, "God wanted him back."
"It's not fair." Joey said with a quivering lip, and I felt a stab of pain in my heart. He was right, this wasn't fair, it wasn't fair at all.
I moved closer to Joey, laying my head down on his shoulder and taking his hand into mine. I was so grateful that I at least still had 4 of my friends. I looked up and saw tears beginning to fall onto Joey's cheeks. Snuggling closer to him, I tried to send him positive vibes telepathically. Some people may argue that it doesn't work, but you should always give it a try, because there's no way to be sure. We sat in this position for hours, long into the night. I took his hand into mine, caressing it gently.
After awhile, Joey spoke in a gruff voice, "So how's Monica and Rachel doing?"
"Monica's a wreck, she's with Chandler, and Rachel wanted to be alone." I replied, concern for my pregnant friend growing as I thought about her alone, upset, and grieving her husband.
I must have looked upset, because Joey suggested that we go check on Rachel, when we got across the street, there was nothing to prepare us for what we found.
~*~Rachel~*~
I felt like I was going to throw up when I heard the words come from Chandler's mouth. All I could think of was my husband, the man I loved more than anything in the world, my best friend, my soul mate. I had just seen him a few hours earlier, and he was fine, I just couldn't believe that he was gone now.
Surprisingly, I didn't cry, nor did I have the urge to cry. I felt frozen, stiff, I didn't know what I was thinking or doing. I was sad that he was gone, but it hadn't really hit me yet that he wasn't coming back.
Monica's sobs pierced my eardrums, but I couldn't piece together in my mind why exactly that she was crying, like I said, it hadn't hit me yet. All I knew was that her cries were hurting my ears, and Joey was upset, and Phoebe and Chandler were devastated, and I needed to get out of there, so I did. Part of me wanted to find Ross, to ask him what was going on, why everyone was so down and in hysterics, but the other portion of me was saying I couldn't do it. Again, I hadn't really realized why I couldn't call him, I just knew I couldn't.
Phoebe said something to me in the hallway, although I couldn't remember what it was. I came home, and sat down on the couch, flipping through a magazine. I looked up at the clock, noticing it was almost time for Ross to be coming home for lunch. I got up and went into the kitchen, beginning to put together a salad. It was then that I heard a knock on the door. I opened it, part of me surprised to find a police officer standing there, the other part of me numb still, knowing in the back of my mind that I expected this to happen.
"Are you Rachel Gellar?" The officer asked, and I nodded in response.
The officer walked inside, a pained expression on his face. That's when he told me that my husband was involved in a bad accident on his way to work, that he was dead, that he indeed wouldn't be coming home.
The officer left, and I sank down on the couch, thoughts flooding my mind. He was gone. Ross was gone. He wouldn't be going to my doctor's visits with me, he wouldn't be there when our child was born. He wasn't going to be coming home from work tonight, or any other night. He really was gone.
As all of this sunk in, I felt myself begin to shake, and tears poured down my cheeks without me even realizing what was happening. I pulled my knees to my chest, resting my chin on top of them as I covered my face with my hands. I rocked myself back and forth, trying not to get too upset, for the baby's sake....
My mind began to wander again. There were so many things that Ross and I hadn't been able to do together yet. We hadn't chosen a baby name yet, we hadn't decorated the nursery. I began to panic, how was I going to afford to raise a child on just my income? I'd have to take maternity leave, I would be out of work for at least a month, which may or may not be paid for. And who was going to cuddle with me at night? Who would be there when the baby began to kick? Who was I going to share my dreams and my concerns with? Who was going to be the one holding my hand when I welcomed my child into the world?
I walked to the window, and looked into Chandler and Monica's apartment, where she was still very upset. My heart went out to her, knowing they had been so close. I swore I wouldn't feel sorry for myself, that I'd be a good friend to her and her family, knowing that this would be hard for everyone.
Even though I swore I wouldn't feel sorry for myself, I couldn't stop the tears from coming, and they flowed like a river. I was sad that I wouldn't have a husband anymore, my baby wouldn't have a father. I loved Ross with all of my heart and soul, and now he wasn't there to love, and it made my whole body ache. Once the tears started, I couldn't stop them. I began to cry harder and harder until I could hardly breathe and my chest was aching so badly that I just wanted to die along side my husband.
That was the only point where I wanted to harm myself, and it was only for a brief second. I lowered my hand to my stomach, where our child was growing inside of me, and I immediately felt reassured. For a few seconds, everything was okay as I thought of my child growing inside of me, but then everything came flooding back to me.
It was getting dark outside, but I didn't turn any lights on. I just wanted to be alone, in the same darkness that was mirrored in my body. A wave of nausea passed through me, and I couldn't decide if it was from morning sickness or from everything that had been going on. I didn't have time to dwell on it though, as I felt a burning sensation creeping up my spinal cord, starting at the very bottom of my back. I stood up, thinking it was just sore muscles like I had been getting lately. The moment I stood, I knew something was wrong. I got really lightheaded and I had to force myself not to throw up right then and there. I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my lower abdomen, and the trickle of blood (of course, I didn't know it was blood at the time) running down my left leg.
I bent over and cried out in pain, wishing someone was with me to help. I was so scared, and I felt so alone. I knew I couldn't call Monica, because of how upset she was, I couldn't add my troubles on top of hers. I managed to walk over to the phone, dizziness causing me to kneel on the floor as I dialed the number to Phoebe's apartment. It rang and rang, but I got no answer. I hung up, about to call Joey's apartment, when I blacked out.
The next thing I remember is waking up the next day in the hospital, no husband, no child.
~*~Joey~*~
Phoebe and I went to check on Rachel, I knew that Phoebe was worried. It was like everyone had someone except her. Phoebe and I were grieving together, Monica and Chandler had each other....I thought that Rachel could use friend too.
Phoebe and I knocked on Rachel's door for nearly 5 minutes without getting an answer. I figured she was probably sleeping, it was near 6 in the morning, and everyone knew how much Rachel liked to sleep, especially now with a baby on the way.
I looked at Phoebe, and could tell that Rachel being asleep wasn't what was on her mind. Phoebe had lost a mother to suicide, and even though I wasn't psychic, I knew she thought Rachel was going to harm herself. I knew she wouldn't, not with the baby and everything, but Phoebe just had a sixth sense about everything, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
I realized I had a key to their apartment, and I let us in. Nothing could have prepared me for the sight I came in contact with when I opened the door. Rachel was laying on the floor, near the couch, unconscious. I turned on the lights, and the scene went from scary to grotesque. Blood covered her pants, and her face was whiter than paper. I immediately grabbed the phone and dialed 911, while Phoebe checked to make sure she was alive.
I could feel the blood pumping through my veins as I tried not to throw up. I had never seen so much blood, and my friend look so helpless. All I could think about is what would happen if I lost another friend, I just couldn't handle it. Ross was gone, and now Rachel was hurt, and I found myself doubting my faith in everything.
I have never heard such beautiful words as Phoebe announced she was breathing and her pulse was still detectable, even though not strong. The ambulance came fast, but not fast enough in my mind. I watched as they loaded one of my best friends onto the stretcher and wheeled her out of the apartment. On the cream colored carpet, a dark red blood stain was left. I had to divert my eyes, another wave of nausea coursing through me. I looked at Phoebe, and could tell she felt as sick as I did by the whole situation.
We went to the hospital, and waited for awhile before getting any word whatsoever from the doctors, and when we did get word back, they wouldn't tell us anything because we weren't family.
I called Monica and Chandler, and they agreed to come to the hospital, I had a feeling they were as worried as Phoebe and I were. The doctors spoke to Monica, being as they were sisters-in-law. Right away, from the deeper look of shock on Monica's face, that this wasn't going to be good.
I walked away, not wanting to hear the news. I couldn't take any more of this. Ross was like a brother to me, Rachel a sister, and if something bad happened to her too, it was going to break me. I walked downstairs to the church chapel, and knelt down, beginning to pray with all the strength left in me for my friends to all be alright, and for us to be able to get through this together.
~*~Monica~*~
Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, Joey called to tell me Rachel was in the hospital, possibly dying. My whole world stopped in that moment. Aside from Chandler, Rachel and Ross were the two closest people to me. I had already lost my brother, I couldn't lose my best friend too. I caught a glimpse of Rachel when the doctor came out to speak to me, and it didn't look good. There were machines everywhere, tubes coming out of her body in so many places that it didn't even look like Rachel.
He had a grim look on his face, and my body immediately tensed up once more. I knew this was bad news. He told me that Rachel had lost the baby, probably due to the amount of stress and trauma she had encountered in the last 24 hours. He also said that she had been bleeding while when Joey and Phoebe found her, and she had lost a lot of blood.
They did a blood transfusion, and he told me they'd have to do more before she was completely out of the woods. She was unconscious, and they weren't sure when she was going to wake up, if she even did. I just felt the whole world crashing against me, not just because of the pain I was feeling, but because of how unfair this was to Rachel. She lost her husband, now she lost her child. Why was God being so cruel to her?
Chandler consoled me as I started to cry again, and I was thankful for his presence. I knew he felt guilty about the accident, and I tried to reassure him that it wasn't his fault, but it felt so good to have someone to hold me and reassure me. My heart went out to Rachel, who had lost her "Chandler". I sighed heavily, knowing this was going to break her. I just wished that there was some way to change this, to go back and erase the last few days.
I had talked to my parents, and they were heartbroken, as I knew they would be. Tomorrow morning would be difficult, the funeral service. I didn't want to go, I didn't want to make this real, but I felt obligated to, since he was my brother. As long as I didn't go to the funeral though, I could pretend he was alive, and just away on a dig or something. Salty tears burned my eyes as I held onto Chandler, who also had tears glistening against his cheeks.
I couldn't understand why all of these bad things were happening to my family. My parents were going to be devastated, they were taking Ross's death so hard, and now to find out their second grandchild was gone too....I felt a chill go through my body as I imagined how upset they would be. Not to mention Rachel...I didn't know how we were going to help her through that.
Phoebe was sitting across from us, on another group of plastic chairs, which weren't really all that comfortable. Joey wasn't with her, which prompted me to wonder where he was. I was starting to get nervous, it seemed that once my friends were out of sight, something bad happened. I breathed a sigh of relief when he walked back into the waiting area, offering us a small pain-filled smile, and sat down next to Phoebe, taking her hand into his.
I was aching to see Rachel, even though I knew how terrible she would look, with all of the machines trying to restore her health. Without speaking aloud, we all knew we'd wait in the waiting area until she woke up, it was the only way we had of supporting her at this point.
I looked up at Chandler, and I could see that the tears had began to trickle down his cheeks, and I knew he was taking this hard. It took a lot to get Chandler to cry, and I knew that he must be in a tremendous amount of pain to be showing his emotions in public. Leaning back against him, I had to wonder if we'd all be okay again.
~*~Chandler~*~
I was very upset with everything that had been going on. Even though the accident wasn't my fault, I still felt guilty. It should have been me, not Ross, who had taken that taxi. If I had just been a little less selfish, things would be exactly the same now as they were 2 days ago. But no, once lazy, always lazy...I had just wanted to be a little late for work, have to do a little less interaction at the office. I didn't know that letting Ross take the first cab would be so disastrous. It was something he and I did often, something we had done since college. I was always the last one to leave for work, the first to arrive home. If I hadn't been so damn lazy, none of this would have happened.
I can still hear the sounds of the crashing metal in my mind, I can still hear the echoes and cries for help, the sirens wailing in the distance. Before I saw the accident, I knew it was him. One moment I was standing in front of my apartment building, waiting for the next available taxi to come by, and the next I found myself running down three blocks in the village, hoping and praying that it wasn't my friend.
Bleecker Street was lined with people who had witnessed the accident, and the whole area was at a standstill. Rushing up to the scene, I wondered why none of these bystanders were helping. Fear gripped at my heart as I frantically looked to see what the taxi number was, and when I saw it, I nearly passed out. It was as if my whole world stopped at that one second. Supposedly, there were three cars involved, but there was no evidence to support that. It looked like a big hunk of metal to me, no form evident on any part.
I ran up to the car, but before I got there, I was held back by a uniformed police officer. I had pulled away, trying to explain that my brother-in- law, my best friend, was in that car, and I had to see if he made it. The grim look on the officer's face further grounded the fact that he probably didn't make it in my mind. I didn't know if I should wait for news or call Monica first, and somewhere in the back of my mind I thought about Rachel, 3 months pregnant, who would be waiting at home for her husband.
As my mind tried to process all of this information, my thoughts drifted to the last thing Ross and I had talked about. He and Rachel, his wife, were going out that night to celebrate their 3 year wedding anniversary. We had always known they'd make it, even with the whole Chloe fiasco, and all of us had been relieved when they reunited at the beach, marrying not long after that. I knew she'd be crushed to hear of this, and I didn't want to be the one to tell her.
A familiar voice had brought me out of my thoughts, and I turned to face Phoebe, who was looking at the scene grimly. She was wondering why I was so upset, and when I told her that Ross was in the accident, it was as if I had broken her. Her face had paled as the news sunk in, and she had to sit down on the curb as her knees gave out. She didn't cry at first, and the silence between us was chilling. I pulled her in for a hug, not wanting to be alone to think of this, and knowing that she was just as shocked about this as I was. Together, we went back to my apartment to tell Monica the news.
Rachel was at my apartment when I got there, she and Monica had went shopping for baby furniture. Monica always wanted to be prepared, and Rachel was eager to get the nursery in her and Ross's apartment set up. Rachel's pregnancy had been a hard piece of news for Monica to take in. She and I had been trying to have children since we got married, almost a year ago, and we had no luck so far. But once she got over the initial jealousy, around the time Rachel started getting morning sickness, she had been very eager to help out in any way.
I wasn't sure if telling them together would be a good or bad idea, but I didn't have much of a choice. I'm sure Monica knew something was wrong the moment Phoebe and I walked in. I motioned for Phoebe to get Joey from across the hall, so we would only have to tell this story once.
No one took the news well... as if there was a good way to take it? Monica had immediately burst into tears, throwing herself in my arms hysterically. She and her brother hadn't always been very close, but since adulthood they had become as close as they could be. He wasn't only her brother, he was also one of her best friends, and I could just feel the pain radiating from her body as she clung to me, her sobs filling the room.
In fact, she was the only one crying. Phoebe was still silent and somber, probably still trying to make heads or tails of the situation. Joey looked on with innocent eyes, all of his pain visible on his face. It occurred to me that he would probably never be the same. Joey had always been the one out of our group who was naive in everything except sex. Parts of him were just like a child, and the expression on his face made me remember that. He looked as if I just told him that someone ran over his puppy. His eyes were full of tears, which he didn't let fall, and he excused himself to his own apartment, where I was sure he was going to cry.
Rachel had simply stood, trembling, and gathered her things, making her way towards the door. I caught her eye, and she bit her lip, looking down and not wanting to meet my gaze. I wasn't sure what was going on inside of her head, but I was sure that she wasn't in a very good place. Phoebe must have sensed the same thing, because she got up and followed Rachel out of the apartment, and I heard her talking to Rachel in the hall, although I couldn't make out what was being said.
No one knew how bad I felt, no one knew that it was my fault. Monica would have said that I was being crazy, that I had no idea that the taxi would have crashed, but I knew deep down in my heart that it should have been me in that wreck, it should not have been Ross.
And here we were, the next morning, although still dark out, numb and not knowing what to do. I assumed Phoebe had spent the night with Rachel or Joey, I hadn't seen any of them since they left the apartment. Monica had cried herself to sleep, but had been plagued with nightmares all night. I didn't know what to say to soothe her, I was just as shaken up as she was. He may not have been my brother, but I still considered him family, he was the first friend that I had kept for longer than a few months, who accepted me for who I was, and he was gone.
It was at that exact moment that I felt the tears burn my eyes. He was one of a kind, irreplaceable, and gone forever.
Monica came into the room, black circles under her eyes, her face pale. It was obvious she was a wreck, and it was only going to get worse with the funeral tomorrow morning. She walked into the kitchen, pouring herself a cup of coffee, going through the motions of a normal morning. She sat down at the table, unaware that I was watching her. I hated to see her like this, almost zombie like, and I didn't want to imagine how the others were taking the news.
"Monica." I spoke softly, relieved when she looked up at me after a few moments of stillness. I held out my arms and she walked over to the couch, allowing me to hold her.
We sat in that position for awhile, my wife in my lap, her head leaning back against mine, our cheeks touching gently. I had my arms wrapped around her waist, and hers hands were on top of mine. After awhile, some of the tension drained from her body and she fell into a light sleep, as did I, neither one of us wanting to get up and deal with everything, just wanting to escape for a little bit.
~*~Phoebe~*~
I sat across the table from Rachel, trying to see what she was thinking, what was going on in her mind. I was vaguely aware of Monica's hysterical cries as she flung herself into Chandler's arms, and I could feel Joey's pain as he stood by me, I just couldn't get inside of Rachel's head, and it worried me.
It really hurt, knowing Ross was gone, but it was comforting that I could still feel his presence in the room. It either meant that he wasn't really gone or that he was here, spiritually. I suppose I should have been relieved, but I still wished he was here in the physical form. I could feel in the air that the worst was yet to come, and it terrified me to the very core to think something worse than Ross's death could happen.
I never really thought about our group being anything besides what it had always been. I never pictured us dying, or parting ways, I just always assumed we'd be around forever, or all go at the same time. I know it was foolish, but I had already been through so much loss, and I was just hoping that this would be different. I had never had anyone care for me as much as my friends did, and I don't think I ever will.
With this scary doom vibe hanging over me in the room, I was very aware of everything going on. Joey had left the apartment, but I knew he would be okay. It was the other three I was the most concerned about. Monica had lost a brother, Rachel a husband, and even though Chandler didn't admit it, I knew he felt responsible for the whole accident.
I was sensing everyone's auras when Rachel abruptly stood. She was beginning to scare me, she hadn't shown any emotion, and her aura was black and grey, which could only mean trouble was ahead. I saw Chandler looking at her, also worried, and I got up to follow her. Something told me I need to.
I followed her outside the apartment, and tried to get her to wait for me, but she walked on as if she didn't hear me. I caught up with her, and tried to get her to open up to me, but she didn't want to. She did allow me to walk her to her apartment, but she insisted she wanted to be alone, so there was nothing I could do but leave.
I went to Joey's, and he and I sat together for awhile, neither of us knowing what to say, or even wanting to speak. After a long silence, he looked at me with childlike eyes, "Why did this have to happen?"
"He fulfilled his purpose here." I told him gently, "God wanted him back."
"It's not fair." Joey said with a quivering lip, and I felt a stab of pain in my heart. He was right, this wasn't fair, it wasn't fair at all.
I moved closer to Joey, laying my head down on his shoulder and taking his hand into mine. I was so grateful that I at least still had 4 of my friends. I looked up and saw tears beginning to fall onto Joey's cheeks. Snuggling closer to him, I tried to send him positive vibes telepathically. Some people may argue that it doesn't work, but you should always give it a try, because there's no way to be sure. We sat in this position for hours, long into the night. I took his hand into mine, caressing it gently.
After awhile, Joey spoke in a gruff voice, "So how's Monica and Rachel doing?"
"Monica's a wreck, she's with Chandler, and Rachel wanted to be alone." I replied, concern for my pregnant friend growing as I thought about her alone, upset, and grieving her husband.
I must have looked upset, because Joey suggested that we go check on Rachel, when we got across the street, there was nothing to prepare us for what we found.
~*~Rachel~*~
I felt like I was going to throw up when I heard the words come from Chandler's mouth. All I could think of was my husband, the man I loved more than anything in the world, my best friend, my soul mate. I had just seen him a few hours earlier, and he was fine, I just couldn't believe that he was gone now.
Surprisingly, I didn't cry, nor did I have the urge to cry. I felt frozen, stiff, I didn't know what I was thinking or doing. I was sad that he was gone, but it hadn't really hit me yet that he wasn't coming back.
Monica's sobs pierced my eardrums, but I couldn't piece together in my mind why exactly that she was crying, like I said, it hadn't hit me yet. All I knew was that her cries were hurting my ears, and Joey was upset, and Phoebe and Chandler were devastated, and I needed to get out of there, so I did. Part of me wanted to find Ross, to ask him what was going on, why everyone was so down and in hysterics, but the other portion of me was saying I couldn't do it. Again, I hadn't really realized why I couldn't call him, I just knew I couldn't.
Phoebe said something to me in the hallway, although I couldn't remember what it was. I came home, and sat down on the couch, flipping through a magazine. I looked up at the clock, noticing it was almost time for Ross to be coming home for lunch. I got up and went into the kitchen, beginning to put together a salad. It was then that I heard a knock on the door. I opened it, part of me surprised to find a police officer standing there, the other part of me numb still, knowing in the back of my mind that I expected this to happen.
"Are you Rachel Gellar?" The officer asked, and I nodded in response.
The officer walked inside, a pained expression on his face. That's when he told me that my husband was involved in a bad accident on his way to work, that he was dead, that he indeed wouldn't be coming home.
The officer left, and I sank down on the couch, thoughts flooding my mind. He was gone. Ross was gone. He wouldn't be going to my doctor's visits with me, he wouldn't be there when our child was born. He wasn't going to be coming home from work tonight, or any other night. He really was gone.
As all of this sunk in, I felt myself begin to shake, and tears poured down my cheeks without me even realizing what was happening. I pulled my knees to my chest, resting my chin on top of them as I covered my face with my hands. I rocked myself back and forth, trying not to get too upset, for the baby's sake....
My mind began to wander again. There were so many things that Ross and I hadn't been able to do together yet. We hadn't chosen a baby name yet, we hadn't decorated the nursery. I began to panic, how was I going to afford to raise a child on just my income? I'd have to take maternity leave, I would be out of work for at least a month, which may or may not be paid for. And who was going to cuddle with me at night? Who would be there when the baby began to kick? Who was I going to share my dreams and my concerns with? Who was going to be the one holding my hand when I welcomed my child into the world?
I walked to the window, and looked into Chandler and Monica's apartment, where she was still very upset. My heart went out to her, knowing they had been so close. I swore I wouldn't feel sorry for myself, that I'd be a good friend to her and her family, knowing that this would be hard for everyone.
Even though I swore I wouldn't feel sorry for myself, I couldn't stop the tears from coming, and they flowed like a river. I was sad that I wouldn't have a husband anymore, my baby wouldn't have a father. I loved Ross with all of my heart and soul, and now he wasn't there to love, and it made my whole body ache. Once the tears started, I couldn't stop them. I began to cry harder and harder until I could hardly breathe and my chest was aching so badly that I just wanted to die along side my husband.
That was the only point where I wanted to harm myself, and it was only for a brief second. I lowered my hand to my stomach, where our child was growing inside of me, and I immediately felt reassured. For a few seconds, everything was okay as I thought of my child growing inside of me, but then everything came flooding back to me.
It was getting dark outside, but I didn't turn any lights on. I just wanted to be alone, in the same darkness that was mirrored in my body. A wave of nausea passed through me, and I couldn't decide if it was from morning sickness or from everything that had been going on. I didn't have time to dwell on it though, as I felt a burning sensation creeping up my spinal cord, starting at the very bottom of my back. I stood up, thinking it was just sore muscles like I had been getting lately. The moment I stood, I knew something was wrong. I got really lightheaded and I had to force myself not to throw up right then and there. I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my lower abdomen, and the trickle of blood (of course, I didn't know it was blood at the time) running down my left leg.
I bent over and cried out in pain, wishing someone was with me to help. I was so scared, and I felt so alone. I knew I couldn't call Monica, because of how upset she was, I couldn't add my troubles on top of hers. I managed to walk over to the phone, dizziness causing me to kneel on the floor as I dialed the number to Phoebe's apartment. It rang and rang, but I got no answer. I hung up, about to call Joey's apartment, when I blacked out.
The next thing I remember is waking up the next day in the hospital, no husband, no child.
~*~Joey~*~
Phoebe and I went to check on Rachel, I knew that Phoebe was worried. It was like everyone had someone except her. Phoebe and I were grieving together, Monica and Chandler had each other....I thought that Rachel could use friend too.
Phoebe and I knocked on Rachel's door for nearly 5 minutes without getting an answer. I figured she was probably sleeping, it was near 6 in the morning, and everyone knew how much Rachel liked to sleep, especially now with a baby on the way.
I looked at Phoebe, and could tell that Rachel being asleep wasn't what was on her mind. Phoebe had lost a mother to suicide, and even though I wasn't psychic, I knew she thought Rachel was going to harm herself. I knew she wouldn't, not with the baby and everything, but Phoebe just had a sixth sense about everything, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
I realized I had a key to their apartment, and I let us in. Nothing could have prepared me for the sight I came in contact with when I opened the door. Rachel was laying on the floor, near the couch, unconscious. I turned on the lights, and the scene went from scary to grotesque. Blood covered her pants, and her face was whiter than paper. I immediately grabbed the phone and dialed 911, while Phoebe checked to make sure she was alive.
I could feel the blood pumping through my veins as I tried not to throw up. I had never seen so much blood, and my friend look so helpless. All I could think about is what would happen if I lost another friend, I just couldn't handle it. Ross was gone, and now Rachel was hurt, and I found myself doubting my faith in everything.
I have never heard such beautiful words as Phoebe announced she was breathing and her pulse was still detectable, even though not strong. The ambulance came fast, but not fast enough in my mind. I watched as they loaded one of my best friends onto the stretcher and wheeled her out of the apartment. On the cream colored carpet, a dark red blood stain was left. I had to divert my eyes, another wave of nausea coursing through me. I looked at Phoebe, and could tell she felt as sick as I did by the whole situation.
We went to the hospital, and waited for awhile before getting any word whatsoever from the doctors, and when we did get word back, they wouldn't tell us anything because we weren't family.
I called Monica and Chandler, and they agreed to come to the hospital, I had a feeling they were as worried as Phoebe and I were. The doctors spoke to Monica, being as they were sisters-in-law. Right away, from the deeper look of shock on Monica's face, that this wasn't going to be good.
I walked away, not wanting to hear the news. I couldn't take any more of this. Ross was like a brother to me, Rachel a sister, and if something bad happened to her too, it was going to break me. I walked downstairs to the church chapel, and knelt down, beginning to pray with all the strength left in me for my friends to all be alright, and for us to be able to get through this together.
~*~Monica~*~
Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, Joey called to tell me Rachel was in the hospital, possibly dying. My whole world stopped in that moment. Aside from Chandler, Rachel and Ross were the two closest people to me. I had already lost my brother, I couldn't lose my best friend too. I caught a glimpse of Rachel when the doctor came out to speak to me, and it didn't look good. There were machines everywhere, tubes coming out of her body in so many places that it didn't even look like Rachel.
He had a grim look on his face, and my body immediately tensed up once more. I knew this was bad news. He told me that Rachel had lost the baby, probably due to the amount of stress and trauma she had encountered in the last 24 hours. He also said that she had been bleeding while when Joey and Phoebe found her, and she had lost a lot of blood.
They did a blood transfusion, and he told me they'd have to do more before she was completely out of the woods. She was unconscious, and they weren't sure when she was going to wake up, if she even did. I just felt the whole world crashing against me, not just because of the pain I was feeling, but because of how unfair this was to Rachel. She lost her husband, now she lost her child. Why was God being so cruel to her?
Chandler consoled me as I started to cry again, and I was thankful for his presence. I knew he felt guilty about the accident, and I tried to reassure him that it wasn't his fault, but it felt so good to have someone to hold me and reassure me. My heart went out to Rachel, who had lost her "Chandler". I sighed heavily, knowing this was going to break her. I just wished that there was some way to change this, to go back and erase the last few days.
I had talked to my parents, and they were heartbroken, as I knew they would be. Tomorrow morning would be difficult, the funeral service. I didn't want to go, I didn't want to make this real, but I felt obligated to, since he was my brother. As long as I didn't go to the funeral though, I could pretend he was alive, and just away on a dig or something. Salty tears burned my eyes as I held onto Chandler, who also had tears glistening against his cheeks.
I couldn't understand why all of these bad things were happening to my family. My parents were going to be devastated, they were taking Ross's death so hard, and now to find out their second grandchild was gone too....I felt a chill go through my body as I imagined how upset they would be. Not to mention Rachel...I didn't know how we were going to help her through that.
Phoebe was sitting across from us, on another group of plastic chairs, which weren't really all that comfortable. Joey wasn't with her, which prompted me to wonder where he was. I was starting to get nervous, it seemed that once my friends were out of sight, something bad happened. I breathed a sigh of relief when he walked back into the waiting area, offering us a small pain-filled smile, and sat down next to Phoebe, taking her hand into his.
I was aching to see Rachel, even though I knew how terrible she would look, with all of the machines trying to restore her health. Without speaking aloud, we all knew we'd wait in the waiting area until she woke up, it was the only way we had of supporting her at this point.
I looked up at Chandler, and I could see that the tears had began to trickle down his cheeks, and I knew he was taking this hard. It took a lot to get Chandler to cry, and I knew that he must be in a tremendous amount of pain to be showing his emotions in public. Leaning back against him, I had to wonder if we'd all be okay again.