~*~Ross's Death~*~ Part Two~*~
~*~Joey~*~
Monica and Chandler stayed by Rachel's bedside for a week, waiting for her to wake up, but I just couldn't do it. Every time I sat in that small white room, looking down at my friend's pale face, machines hooked up and attached to her body, all I could think of was how when she woke up, we were going to devastate her.
Even though I didn't stay at her bedside, I did stay in the hospital. I spent a lot of time in the small chapel, getting over my initial desire to make deals with God, and now just praying that things would work out, and that we'd have some sort of happy ending for the remainder of us. I prayed for Rachel not to die, for Chandler and Monica to get some closure with Ross's death, because I know they hadn't. I prayed for Phoebe to break away from the brink of depression, I could see her going in bad places. I prayed for myself to begin to heal from all of the shock of the last week. I prayed for Rachel's baby and Ross to be happy in their new home.
I had never been very religious. When I was a child, my parents always made me go to church with them, but when I got old enough to refuse and stay home alone, I did exactly that. It had been a long time since I went to church, and I was hoping my prayers would still be received. It was the only thing I could do, aside from becoming some sort of scientist and inventing a time travel machine to change everything.
Normally I'd go to Chandler when I was feeling really down, he was the person I looked up to most in this world, but I knew he was feeling just as bad as I was, actually, worse. And on top of that, he not only had his pain, but Monica's as well. Monica, on the other hand, had channeled all of her sadness into waiting for Rachel to wake up, and taking care of all of the little details. Maybe it was just easier for her not to handle the real situation at hand, but I figured we just had to let her grieve in her own way. This was a new experience for all of us.
I walked out of the chapel, and bumped into Phoebe, who was standing at the coffee machine, trying to get some hazelnut flavored coffee. I put my hand on her shoulder, and she turned around, her face looking much older than her years. I felt so bad for her, she had already been through so much, and then all of this happened....I wished there was something I could do to help, but I just didn't know what that was.
She and I walked back towards Rachel's room, she often sat with me in the waiting area, I had a feeling she couldn't look at Rachel very much either, making small talk part of the time, silence during the other. Normally I would have felt awkward being around someone with nothing to say, but with Phoebe and I, we kind of talked without words, we just knew what was going on in each other's head...Phoebe knew better of course, because she knew what was going on in everyone's head, but I was learning too.
We sat in the uncomfortable plastic chairs, when Phoebe spoke up, "Rachel's going to wake up today."
I looked up in surprise, then towards Rachel's room, knowing not to doubt Phoebe. I looked up, thanking God in advance for making my friend well. I knew that once Rachel woke up, a lot of tension would be gone, but of course replaced once she found out about the baby. In some ways, I almost wished she'd stay asleep, because then she wouldn't feel the pain.
Phoebe moved closer to me, and I wrapped an arm around her, offering her silent reassurance. I whispered softly, almost afraid to know the answer, "How's she going to take the whole baby thing?"
I heard Phoebe sigh before replying, "I don't know. I can't see that."
We sat in silence again, and I felt troubled once more. I wanted to know so bad how Rachel would react, so I could prepare myself to help her. Shifting to allow Phoebe to rest against my side, I looked up once more, giving a silent prayer for this to end well.
~*~Monica~*~
I shifted slightly, trying not to wake up Chandler, who had fallen asleep in his chair. We had been sitting by Rachel's bedside for almost a whole week straight. I was starting to lose hope that she'd wake up, I had tried everything I could to get her to wake up. Chandler and I held her hand, we talked to her, we read to her, begged her to wake up, but nothing had been working.
I almost wished I were in a coma, to sleep all of this pain away. Her face had no clues as to if she were peaceful or not, and I found myself wondering often if she was plagued with the same nightmares that Chandler and I had when we fell asleep. Every muscle in my body hurt, every nerve was on overdrive.
I had taken care of everything Rachel would need when she woke up, I brought her some comfortable pajamas, tons of magazines to keep her occupied, her mind off of her losses. I hired someone, although I knew I could do a better job, to clean her apartment, mostly to get the blood from the carpet, the little things clean, one less thing she would have to think about. I contemplated putting away all of the pictures of her and my brother, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, and I knew she'd probably want to keep them around. Chandler and I stored all of the baby things Rachel and I had accumulated since the beginning of her pregnancy, down to the last prenatal vitamin. The less reminders about the baby she lost, the better, was the way I was thinking. The only thing left to do was strip the wallpaper that Rachel and I had began to hang in the nursery, but not knowing what kind of wallpaper she would want to put up instead, I left it alone. We'd deal with that later.
I could see Chandler's face beginning to tense up in his sleep, and I shook him awake before his nightmare could progress. He couldn't stop reliving the accident in his mind, and I couldn't blame him...he still felt very guilty about setting all of this into motion, although I've reassured him that no one blames him and it's not his fault.
Joey and Phoebe walked in, and Joey's face grew haunted as he looked at Rachel. They both had problems sitting with us in here, I think it is because they found her, but I'm not sure. They sat down, and Joey looked up at me, "Phoebe says Rachel's going to wake up today."
Usually I don't pay much attention to Phoebe's premonitions, but at this point, I needed all of the reassurance I could get. I smiled softly, "Good."
"What are we going to tell her when she wakes up?" Chandler asked.
I didn't know the answer to that, I had been avoiding that subject for days. I spoke softly, taking Rachel's limp hand into mine, "We'll have to tell her the truth. Then we'll just have to be here with her for the fallout."
"This is so unfair." Phoebe said once more, that was one thing she repeated a lot lately. All of us had so much at stake, each fighting a personal battle inside. Chandler was consumed with guilt, and between his guilty feelings and his loss, he was at a loss for even a small sarcastic response. Joey had lost a bit of himself with everything that had happened. Up until now, the worst thing he had experienced was losing his pets, a rooster and a duck, to death--he had taken that very hard, and this was very much worse, considering this was people, not fowl. Phoebe's eyes were haunted with memories of her mother's suicide, her grandmother's death, and all of the tragedy in her life. My heart really went out to her, because she had felt so safe with us, and even with that, she still lost another person close to her.
I was constantly fighting with myself, trying to put Ross out of my mind and focus on not losing another person close to me. Rachel and I had been friends for my entire life, we grew up together, friends throughout our whole school lives, and into adulthood. My life would have been much different if she hadn't been in it. She was one of the only friends I had through my fat years, and as a scared teenager, I lived vicariously through her experiences. I had been so jealous when she announced to us that she and Ross were going to have a baby, that had been my dream, to have a family, and until her and Ross were together, she wasn't even sure if she had wanted children. I had put aside my jealous feelings after just a few days of finding out the news, and now, I felt bad for even having them at all.
I felt that this could have been prevented somehow, if someone had gone to check on her earlier, this could have been stopped. I found myself wondering why she hadn't called me for help, and somewhere in the back of my mind, wondering if maybe she wanted to die. All theories aside, I just wanted my best friend to wake up and be with us, no matter how devastated she was going to be.
~*~Phoebe~*~
I knew Rachel was going to wake up today, and I knew how she was going to react, even if I didn't tell the second part to Joey. I knew this was going to be a long battle for all of us, and knowing all of this scared the hell out of me.
I knew Joey didn't like to be with Rachel because of the way she looked, hooked up to machines, still and white. I know it scares him and even though he wants to help her, he just can't bring himself to look down on her like that.
I don't like to sit with her for another reason. Every time I'm even near her room, I can vision when she's thinking. Her mind's going through a whirlwind of emotions and images. I can feel the pain radiating from her body, both emotional and physical. The only reason I can sit in that room with her for the little time I do is because I can also feel Ross's presence in the air, and that calms both her and I.
I'm still numb from seeing the accident, even though I know he's gone, I chose not to deal with it. I chose to put it away in my mind, like I did with my mother's death. Like Monica, I just want to focus on getting Rachel better, and restoring a similar sense of togetherness that we had a week ago, before all of this happened.
Sitting by Rachel's bedside, I can see that she's fighting to wake up. She knows something's wrong, she knows her baby's either hurt or gone. Her mind's filled with terrible images of Ross, of herself and the pain she was in, of loneliness and desperation. I know she has heard everything we're saying, and the only reason I'm sitting here is because I think if we all work together, we can help bring her from this.
I know that Ross has been trying to guide her. When his spirit is around, her body rests a little more calmly than normal. I can almost envision his hands on her, soothing her from his new home.
I can feel all of the energy in the room get really still, then go into an all out frenzy. I know she's going to wake up, I can feel all of the energy channeling into her body, and I look at the rest of the group, "She's about to wake up."
Sure enough, within seconds, her eyes are blinking open weakly, and Monica hands her a cup of water as she tries to speak, but has no voice because of her dry throat.
The first question out of her mouth is one that made all of us uneasy and unsure, "What happened? Is my baby okay?"
~*~Chandler~*~
I could see Phoebe concentrating on Rachel, almost willing her to wake up, and before I knew it, she was awake.
Rachel's eyes were troubled from the moment she opened them. She asked about her baby, and all of us were at a loss for words. After a few seconds, Monica spoke up and said that they needed to get a doctor in to examine her. Monica had told us to just go ahead and tell Rachel, that way it would be coming from friends, not a stranger, but when the time came, we all froze up. How do you tell a woman that just lost her husband that her baby was gone too?
Rachel had refused to see a doctor until we told her what was going on. I knew Monica couldn't bring herself to tell Rachel, so I took Rachel's hand into mine and said it the most gentle way I could.
"Rachel...what's the last thing you remember?"
"I was in my apartment, I felt kind of sick, so I called Phoebe, and no one was there. I picked up the phone to call Joey, and that's it." Rachel said softly, memories of that night flooding her mind, "Oh God, Chandler...is the baby....?"
I stroked her hand with mine, and tried to search for words, "Um, the doctors say that everything that happened, all of the stress and stuff, caused your body to reject the baby, and you had a miscarriage. I...I'm sorry Rach."
I couldn't watch as she began to sob, her cries were echoing through my head so loud that I thought my head would explode. If I hadn't let Ross take that cab, none of this would have happened. He wouldn't be dead, Rachel wouldn't have lost the baby. Everything was just too much for me, and I stood, walking out of the room. I needed some fresh air. Monica stood to follow me, but I shook my head, knowing that Rachel needed her, after all, it was the least I could do, considering it was my fault that her baby died.
I walked outside, not surprised that it was raining. It seemed like the whole world was crying with us. I sat down against the side of the building, not really caring that I was getting wet. As a chill passed through my body, I pulled my long jacket tighter around me. I felt so empty inside, yet so full of negative things. It was like I was a totally different person. I wasn't sure how long I sat out there, but after awhile, I knew I needed to go back in and be there for Rachel, I didn't want her to think I didn't care about her or her loss, and I knew I needed to make peace with this guilt.
Standing up, I walked under a covered area, pulling my jacket off and walking inside, the soles of my shoes wet, squeaking on the floor with every step I took.
~*~Rachel~*~
I couldn't believe that my baby was dead, even though I had a feeling it was, as I remembered that night. I was surprised that the whole gang was with me, and I then realized that I had probably been in the hospital for awhile.
I felt myself crying, but I didn't think about it, my mind was wandering in thousands of different directions. Chandler had left, and I felt bad, wondering if something I did sent him away. Monica was sitting next to me, hugging me tightly, so tight that I could barely breathe, but I felt a lot better having here there, so I didn't tell her that her grip was too strong. Phoebe was on the other side of me, hugging me from my side. The three of us were all crying, and even though this was a terrible thing, I felt so much better when I was with my girls. Joey stood away, sort of awkwardly, and I motioned for him to join us with his hand.
Joey entered the hug, and a few minutes later, a wet Chandler did as well. My body hurt from the physical part of this ordeal, and my mind was aching too. Even though everything looked bleak right now, I couldn't help but know everything was going to be okay, as I was surrounded by my 4 best friends.
Phoebe later told me it was because of the positive energy everyone was emitting, because she had felt it too.
The next months were hard, it took everyone a long time to move on past this ordeal. Eventually I was able to move on with my life, although I had to move to another apartment because I couldn't stay there any longer. Joey had offered to let me stay there, and I took him up on it, wanting to still be close to Chandler and Monica.
At first, things were very difficult for us all, we were awkward around each other when we were hanging out, but as time passed, it became easier and easier, until eventually, we were healed from this tragedy, and able to just b ourselves again, minus Ross.
~*~Joey~*~
Monica and Chandler stayed by Rachel's bedside for a week, waiting for her to wake up, but I just couldn't do it. Every time I sat in that small white room, looking down at my friend's pale face, machines hooked up and attached to her body, all I could think of was how when she woke up, we were going to devastate her.
Even though I didn't stay at her bedside, I did stay in the hospital. I spent a lot of time in the small chapel, getting over my initial desire to make deals with God, and now just praying that things would work out, and that we'd have some sort of happy ending for the remainder of us. I prayed for Rachel not to die, for Chandler and Monica to get some closure with Ross's death, because I know they hadn't. I prayed for Phoebe to break away from the brink of depression, I could see her going in bad places. I prayed for myself to begin to heal from all of the shock of the last week. I prayed for Rachel's baby and Ross to be happy in their new home.
I had never been very religious. When I was a child, my parents always made me go to church with them, but when I got old enough to refuse and stay home alone, I did exactly that. It had been a long time since I went to church, and I was hoping my prayers would still be received. It was the only thing I could do, aside from becoming some sort of scientist and inventing a time travel machine to change everything.
Normally I'd go to Chandler when I was feeling really down, he was the person I looked up to most in this world, but I knew he was feeling just as bad as I was, actually, worse. And on top of that, he not only had his pain, but Monica's as well. Monica, on the other hand, had channeled all of her sadness into waiting for Rachel to wake up, and taking care of all of the little details. Maybe it was just easier for her not to handle the real situation at hand, but I figured we just had to let her grieve in her own way. This was a new experience for all of us.
I walked out of the chapel, and bumped into Phoebe, who was standing at the coffee machine, trying to get some hazelnut flavored coffee. I put my hand on her shoulder, and she turned around, her face looking much older than her years. I felt so bad for her, she had already been through so much, and then all of this happened....I wished there was something I could do to help, but I just didn't know what that was.
She and I walked back towards Rachel's room, she often sat with me in the waiting area, I had a feeling she couldn't look at Rachel very much either, making small talk part of the time, silence during the other. Normally I would have felt awkward being around someone with nothing to say, but with Phoebe and I, we kind of talked without words, we just knew what was going on in each other's head...Phoebe knew better of course, because she knew what was going on in everyone's head, but I was learning too.
We sat in the uncomfortable plastic chairs, when Phoebe spoke up, "Rachel's going to wake up today."
I looked up in surprise, then towards Rachel's room, knowing not to doubt Phoebe. I looked up, thanking God in advance for making my friend well. I knew that once Rachel woke up, a lot of tension would be gone, but of course replaced once she found out about the baby. In some ways, I almost wished she'd stay asleep, because then she wouldn't feel the pain.
Phoebe moved closer to me, and I wrapped an arm around her, offering her silent reassurance. I whispered softly, almost afraid to know the answer, "How's she going to take the whole baby thing?"
I heard Phoebe sigh before replying, "I don't know. I can't see that."
We sat in silence again, and I felt troubled once more. I wanted to know so bad how Rachel would react, so I could prepare myself to help her. Shifting to allow Phoebe to rest against my side, I looked up once more, giving a silent prayer for this to end well.
~*~Monica~*~
I shifted slightly, trying not to wake up Chandler, who had fallen asleep in his chair. We had been sitting by Rachel's bedside for almost a whole week straight. I was starting to lose hope that she'd wake up, I had tried everything I could to get her to wake up. Chandler and I held her hand, we talked to her, we read to her, begged her to wake up, but nothing had been working.
I almost wished I were in a coma, to sleep all of this pain away. Her face had no clues as to if she were peaceful or not, and I found myself wondering often if she was plagued with the same nightmares that Chandler and I had when we fell asleep. Every muscle in my body hurt, every nerve was on overdrive.
I had taken care of everything Rachel would need when she woke up, I brought her some comfortable pajamas, tons of magazines to keep her occupied, her mind off of her losses. I hired someone, although I knew I could do a better job, to clean her apartment, mostly to get the blood from the carpet, the little things clean, one less thing she would have to think about. I contemplated putting away all of the pictures of her and my brother, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, and I knew she'd probably want to keep them around. Chandler and I stored all of the baby things Rachel and I had accumulated since the beginning of her pregnancy, down to the last prenatal vitamin. The less reminders about the baby she lost, the better, was the way I was thinking. The only thing left to do was strip the wallpaper that Rachel and I had began to hang in the nursery, but not knowing what kind of wallpaper she would want to put up instead, I left it alone. We'd deal with that later.
I could see Chandler's face beginning to tense up in his sleep, and I shook him awake before his nightmare could progress. He couldn't stop reliving the accident in his mind, and I couldn't blame him...he still felt very guilty about setting all of this into motion, although I've reassured him that no one blames him and it's not his fault.
Joey and Phoebe walked in, and Joey's face grew haunted as he looked at Rachel. They both had problems sitting with us in here, I think it is because they found her, but I'm not sure. They sat down, and Joey looked up at me, "Phoebe says Rachel's going to wake up today."
Usually I don't pay much attention to Phoebe's premonitions, but at this point, I needed all of the reassurance I could get. I smiled softly, "Good."
"What are we going to tell her when she wakes up?" Chandler asked.
I didn't know the answer to that, I had been avoiding that subject for days. I spoke softly, taking Rachel's limp hand into mine, "We'll have to tell her the truth. Then we'll just have to be here with her for the fallout."
"This is so unfair." Phoebe said once more, that was one thing she repeated a lot lately. All of us had so much at stake, each fighting a personal battle inside. Chandler was consumed with guilt, and between his guilty feelings and his loss, he was at a loss for even a small sarcastic response. Joey had lost a bit of himself with everything that had happened. Up until now, the worst thing he had experienced was losing his pets, a rooster and a duck, to death--he had taken that very hard, and this was very much worse, considering this was people, not fowl. Phoebe's eyes were haunted with memories of her mother's suicide, her grandmother's death, and all of the tragedy in her life. My heart really went out to her, because she had felt so safe with us, and even with that, she still lost another person close to her.
I was constantly fighting with myself, trying to put Ross out of my mind and focus on not losing another person close to me. Rachel and I had been friends for my entire life, we grew up together, friends throughout our whole school lives, and into adulthood. My life would have been much different if she hadn't been in it. She was one of the only friends I had through my fat years, and as a scared teenager, I lived vicariously through her experiences. I had been so jealous when she announced to us that she and Ross were going to have a baby, that had been my dream, to have a family, and until her and Ross were together, she wasn't even sure if she had wanted children. I had put aside my jealous feelings after just a few days of finding out the news, and now, I felt bad for even having them at all.
I felt that this could have been prevented somehow, if someone had gone to check on her earlier, this could have been stopped. I found myself wondering why she hadn't called me for help, and somewhere in the back of my mind, wondering if maybe she wanted to die. All theories aside, I just wanted my best friend to wake up and be with us, no matter how devastated she was going to be.
~*~Phoebe~*~
I knew Rachel was going to wake up today, and I knew how she was going to react, even if I didn't tell the second part to Joey. I knew this was going to be a long battle for all of us, and knowing all of this scared the hell out of me.
I knew Joey didn't like to be with Rachel because of the way she looked, hooked up to machines, still and white. I know it scares him and even though he wants to help her, he just can't bring himself to look down on her like that.
I don't like to sit with her for another reason. Every time I'm even near her room, I can vision when she's thinking. Her mind's going through a whirlwind of emotions and images. I can feel the pain radiating from her body, both emotional and physical. The only reason I can sit in that room with her for the little time I do is because I can also feel Ross's presence in the air, and that calms both her and I.
I'm still numb from seeing the accident, even though I know he's gone, I chose not to deal with it. I chose to put it away in my mind, like I did with my mother's death. Like Monica, I just want to focus on getting Rachel better, and restoring a similar sense of togetherness that we had a week ago, before all of this happened.
Sitting by Rachel's bedside, I can see that she's fighting to wake up. She knows something's wrong, she knows her baby's either hurt or gone. Her mind's filled with terrible images of Ross, of herself and the pain she was in, of loneliness and desperation. I know she has heard everything we're saying, and the only reason I'm sitting here is because I think if we all work together, we can help bring her from this.
I know that Ross has been trying to guide her. When his spirit is around, her body rests a little more calmly than normal. I can almost envision his hands on her, soothing her from his new home.
I can feel all of the energy in the room get really still, then go into an all out frenzy. I know she's going to wake up, I can feel all of the energy channeling into her body, and I look at the rest of the group, "She's about to wake up."
Sure enough, within seconds, her eyes are blinking open weakly, and Monica hands her a cup of water as she tries to speak, but has no voice because of her dry throat.
The first question out of her mouth is one that made all of us uneasy and unsure, "What happened? Is my baby okay?"
~*~Chandler~*~
I could see Phoebe concentrating on Rachel, almost willing her to wake up, and before I knew it, she was awake.
Rachel's eyes were troubled from the moment she opened them. She asked about her baby, and all of us were at a loss for words. After a few seconds, Monica spoke up and said that they needed to get a doctor in to examine her. Monica had told us to just go ahead and tell Rachel, that way it would be coming from friends, not a stranger, but when the time came, we all froze up. How do you tell a woman that just lost her husband that her baby was gone too?
Rachel had refused to see a doctor until we told her what was going on. I knew Monica couldn't bring herself to tell Rachel, so I took Rachel's hand into mine and said it the most gentle way I could.
"Rachel...what's the last thing you remember?"
"I was in my apartment, I felt kind of sick, so I called Phoebe, and no one was there. I picked up the phone to call Joey, and that's it." Rachel said softly, memories of that night flooding her mind, "Oh God, Chandler...is the baby....?"
I stroked her hand with mine, and tried to search for words, "Um, the doctors say that everything that happened, all of the stress and stuff, caused your body to reject the baby, and you had a miscarriage. I...I'm sorry Rach."
I couldn't watch as she began to sob, her cries were echoing through my head so loud that I thought my head would explode. If I hadn't let Ross take that cab, none of this would have happened. He wouldn't be dead, Rachel wouldn't have lost the baby. Everything was just too much for me, and I stood, walking out of the room. I needed some fresh air. Monica stood to follow me, but I shook my head, knowing that Rachel needed her, after all, it was the least I could do, considering it was my fault that her baby died.
I walked outside, not surprised that it was raining. It seemed like the whole world was crying with us. I sat down against the side of the building, not really caring that I was getting wet. As a chill passed through my body, I pulled my long jacket tighter around me. I felt so empty inside, yet so full of negative things. It was like I was a totally different person. I wasn't sure how long I sat out there, but after awhile, I knew I needed to go back in and be there for Rachel, I didn't want her to think I didn't care about her or her loss, and I knew I needed to make peace with this guilt.
Standing up, I walked under a covered area, pulling my jacket off and walking inside, the soles of my shoes wet, squeaking on the floor with every step I took.
~*~Rachel~*~
I couldn't believe that my baby was dead, even though I had a feeling it was, as I remembered that night. I was surprised that the whole gang was with me, and I then realized that I had probably been in the hospital for awhile.
I felt myself crying, but I didn't think about it, my mind was wandering in thousands of different directions. Chandler had left, and I felt bad, wondering if something I did sent him away. Monica was sitting next to me, hugging me tightly, so tight that I could barely breathe, but I felt a lot better having here there, so I didn't tell her that her grip was too strong. Phoebe was on the other side of me, hugging me from my side. The three of us were all crying, and even though this was a terrible thing, I felt so much better when I was with my girls. Joey stood away, sort of awkwardly, and I motioned for him to join us with his hand.
Joey entered the hug, and a few minutes later, a wet Chandler did as well. My body hurt from the physical part of this ordeal, and my mind was aching too. Even though everything looked bleak right now, I couldn't help but know everything was going to be okay, as I was surrounded by my 4 best friends.
Phoebe later told me it was because of the positive energy everyone was emitting, because she had felt it too.
The next months were hard, it took everyone a long time to move on past this ordeal. Eventually I was able to move on with my life, although I had to move to another apartment because I couldn't stay there any longer. Joey had offered to let me stay there, and I took him up on it, wanting to still be close to Chandler and Monica.
At first, things were very difficult for us all, we were awkward around each other when we were hanging out, but as time passed, it became easier and easier, until eventually, we were healed from this tragedy, and able to just b ourselves again, minus Ross.