A/N: I wrote this when I was sugar high. It's just a strange little piece.
And BTW, the reason I'm posting so mush I because I'm going through my hard
drive posting all these stupid little things I didn't post before. Anyway,
Lyrics are Superman by Five For Fighting, and are bold. Don't ask, just
read and review.
Disclaimer: not mine.
::I can't stand to fly I'm not that naïve
I'm just out to find the better part of me
I'm more than a bird more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train and it's not easy to be me.::
God, my life is a mess. I don't know why I pretend that everything is all right. I know it's not and Logan knows it's not. I can't live like this, running from everything of my past. Manticore is gone, but so are Ben, and Tinga, and Brin… and Zack? Zack is worse then gone. Zack is somewhere out there, happy, no memory of me or anything else. He doesn't remember the pain, the harsh lives, running and stealing to survive. He has no abusive past, from military to foster homes, no dead siblings on his hands. No wonders of what he did wrong that his life is so screwed up, no haunting feeling of the snap of his brother's neck in your hands. No feelings of holding a cold, wet, lifeless body to your arms, knowing they finally got your sister. No feelings of hopelessness as his sister turned him over, not remembering him as he was when he last saw her, but as the child he was, obeying his worst enemy like she was the blue lady. No dreams of watching his first home, despised as it was, go up into flames; no watching all his brothers and sisters go out into a world not ready for them. He's happy, nothing dark chasing after him, out to get him. He can start clean, a new, normal life. But all my demons are too fast for me, that's one thing I've learned in the real world. No matter how fast you are running, your demons are faster.
::Wish that I could cry, fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie About a home I'll never see
It may sound absurd But don't be naïve
Even heroes have the right to bleed::
And then there's Logan. Everything about Logan-- it's so different now. I want to have it be like old times, playing chess and eating together, the pure chemistry between us keeping us warm no matter how cold it was in life. And, of course, playing with the fire; minds doing nose dives at another comments, blushing at how innocent comments come out. Simple touches setting off emotions, hovering over each other, not knowing what would happen if one of us had to leave. The burning desire is just building up now, no outlet, and slowly it turns into annoyance and sharp words. I wish I could talk to Logan, touch him, and tell him how I feel about him, but that won't happen. With the virus, and Logan's feelings about being in the chair, and Asha? Who am I kidding? It's not Asha. I don't even think I'm as jealous of her and Logan as a couple as I am of the thought that they are friends, and can touch. She can wander around his apartment, wake him up in the middle of the night when he falls asleep at the computer, and help him to bed. I am jealous of the fact that Asha is acting my part. That they don't have this baggage. I am jealous of the fact that they are all fine. THEY can deal. It's all just me. If only I KNEW what I felt for him, it would be fine?
::I may be disturbed but won't you concede even heroes have the right to dream
And it's not easy to be me. Up, up and away, away from me, well it's alright. You can all sleep sound tonight, I'm not crazy or anything::
But when I met Alec, he just had this effect on me, and it's like this urge to be around him when I'm not, to get away when I am-- this could drive a girl insane. I was so sure I loved Logan when I kissed him right after I was in heat, and I was so scared when I thought I would never see him again; now, he's has changed. I'm not sure what happened, but I kissed him when I got back from Manticore, and it was full of relief and care and reverence that we were together again, but not love. Not love at all. I never had the desire to be around him like I do with Alec. Alec's smart-ass comments, the little verbal wars like I used to have with Logan, are what keep me going some days. Whenever I see him picking up another woman, this feeling flares up inside of me. I blame him-- it's annoyance at seeing him treat women like objects. But then there's the little voice in the back of my head. 'Aha,' it says, 'but you wouldn't mind if it were you, would you?' And as much as I hate it, I can't deny that. The feeling I call annoyance seems suspiciously like jealousy. But that can't be, he's just like Zack, growing up in the same place. Isn't that still like incest? But then the little voice intervenes again, pointing out that 'You grew up with Zack, he knows you up and down, inside and out. But Alec is a mystery, and he has your history. He has that connection that you and Logan missed, he appreciates the fear of feelings.' And the only thing I can tell myself, the only thing to wipe away that thought -the thought that maybe I should act- is a mental gesture and an order for that annoying little voice to shut up.
::I can't stand to fly I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride with clouds between their knees
I'm only a man in a silly red sheet digging for kryptonite on a one-way
street::
The only little piece of my life that hasn't changed is my friends at Jam Pony. I still have moments where Original and I are talking, laughing as she whines about this week's lickity chick, and Normal tells us to work, and with a quick shut down or an empty promise we get him away and keep laughing. Or I'll be at Crash, playing foosball and drinking beer, beating Sketchy or Cindy while the others cheer us on, winning as always, and then as the latest victim shakes their heads in shock, Herbal preached of Him and how "It's all good, all de time." That when I actually feel like nothing happened, like I never got captured, Zack never left, Logan might page any minute, and I'm the only transgenic known of in Seattle. That I don't need to stop by and see Joshua, because he isn't there, and I can just live life for living and be free of this burden. I love Joshua, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I wish I could be lonely instead, and not having a living reminder of what I've done. So when I get that feeling, or lack thereof, I have to grasp it and go with it for as long as I can. But these moments are always too short-- As Original and I head out, package in hand, Alec walks in, giving me a small smile that I have this need to deflect. Or Asha walks
into Crash, ordering a drink, and I pick her up immediately, thanks to my advanced hearing. But all my friends don't, as I watch her go sit in the corner, they keep on going, not bothered. Only I see it, and feel the now familiar tug. There is really no escape to my life. My little strange life that I wanted so badly, now is just painful, more painful then anything She
could have done to me.
::Only a man in a silly red sheet looking for special things inside of me.
Inside of me, inside of me, inside of me, inside of me. I'm only a man in a
funny red sheet only a man looking for a dream
Only a man in a funny red sheet and it's not easy,
It's not easy to be me.::
Disclaimer: not mine.
::I can't stand to fly I'm not that naïve
I'm just out to find the better part of me
I'm more than a bird more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train and it's not easy to be me.::
God, my life is a mess. I don't know why I pretend that everything is all right. I know it's not and Logan knows it's not. I can't live like this, running from everything of my past. Manticore is gone, but so are Ben, and Tinga, and Brin… and Zack? Zack is worse then gone. Zack is somewhere out there, happy, no memory of me or anything else. He doesn't remember the pain, the harsh lives, running and stealing to survive. He has no abusive past, from military to foster homes, no dead siblings on his hands. No wonders of what he did wrong that his life is so screwed up, no haunting feeling of the snap of his brother's neck in your hands. No feelings of holding a cold, wet, lifeless body to your arms, knowing they finally got your sister. No feelings of hopelessness as his sister turned him over, not remembering him as he was when he last saw her, but as the child he was, obeying his worst enemy like she was the blue lady. No dreams of watching his first home, despised as it was, go up into flames; no watching all his brothers and sisters go out into a world not ready for them. He's happy, nothing dark chasing after him, out to get him. He can start clean, a new, normal life. But all my demons are too fast for me, that's one thing I've learned in the real world. No matter how fast you are running, your demons are faster.
::Wish that I could cry, fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie About a home I'll never see
It may sound absurd But don't be naïve
Even heroes have the right to bleed::
And then there's Logan. Everything about Logan-- it's so different now. I want to have it be like old times, playing chess and eating together, the pure chemistry between us keeping us warm no matter how cold it was in life. And, of course, playing with the fire; minds doing nose dives at another comments, blushing at how innocent comments come out. Simple touches setting off emotions, hovering over each other, not knowing what would happen if one of us had to leave. The burning desire is just building up now, no outlet, and slowly it turns into annoyance and sharp words. I wish I could talk to Logan, touch him, and tell him how I feel about him, but that won't happen. With the virus, and Logan's feelings about being in the chair, and Asha? Who am I kidding? It's not Asha. I don't even think I'm as jealous of her and Logan as a couple as I am of the thought that they are friends, and can touch. She can wander around his apartment, wake him up in the middle of the night when he falls asleep at the computer, and help him to bed. I am jealous of the fact that Asha is acting my part. That they don't have this baggage. I am jealous of the fact that they are all fine. THEY can deal. It's all just me. If only I KNEW what I felt for him, it would be fine?
::I may be disturbed but won't you concede even heroes have the right to dream
And it's not easy to be me. Up, up and away, away from me, well it's alright. You can all sleep sound tonight, I'm not crazy or anything::
But when I met Alec, he just had this effect on me, and it's like this urge to be around him when I'm not, to get away when I am-- this could drive a girl insane. I was so sure I loved Logan when I kissed him right after I was in heat, and I was so scared when I thought I would never see him again; now, he's has changed. I'm not sure what happened, but I kissed him when I got back from Manticore, and it was full of relief and care and reverence that we were together again, but not love. Not love at all. I never had the desire to be around him like I do with Alec. Alec's smart-ass comments, the little verbal wars like I used to have with Logan, are what keep me going some days. Whenever I see him picking up another woman, this feeling flares up inside of me. I blame him-- it's annoyance at seeing him treat women like objects. But then there's the little voice in the back of my head. 'Aha,' it says, 'but you wouldn't mind if it were you, would you?' And as much as I hate it, I can't deny that. The feeling I call annoyance seems suspiciously like jealousy. But that can't be, he's just like Zack, growing up in the same place. Isn't that still like incest? But then the little voice intervenes again, pointing out that 'You grew up with Zack, he knows you up and down, inside and out. But Alec is a mystery, and he has your history. He has that connection that you and Logan missed, he appreciates the fear of feelings.' And the only thing I can tell myself, the only thing to wipe away that thought -the thought that maybe I should act- is a mental gesture and an order for that annoying little voice to shut up.
::I can't stand to fly I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride with clouds between their knees
I'm only a man in a silly red sheet digging for kryptonite on a one-way
street::
The only little piece of my life that hasn't changed is my friends at Jam Pony. I still have moments where Original and I are talking, laughing as she whines about this week's lickity chick, and Normal tells us to work, and with a quick shut down or an empty promise we get him away and keep laughing. Or I'll be at Crash, playing foosball and drinking beer, beating Sketchy or Cindy while the others cheer us on, winning as always, and then as the latest victim shakes their heads in shock, Herbal preached of Him and how "It's all good, all de time." That when I actually feel like nothing happened, like I never got captured, Zack never left, Logan might page any minute, and I'm the only transgenic known of in Seattle. That I don't need to stop by and see Joshua, because he isn't there, and I can just live life for living and be free of this burden. I love Joshua, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I wish I could be lonely instead, and not having a living reminder of what I've done. So when I get that feeling, or lack thereof, I have to grasp it and go with it for as long as I can. But these moments are always too short-- As Original and I head out, package in hand, Alec walks in, giving me a small smile that I have this need to deflect. Or Asha walks
into Crash, ordering a drink, and I pick her up immediately, thanks to my advanced hearing. But all my friends don't, as I watch her go sit in the corner, they keep on going, not bothered. Only I see it, and feel the now familiar tug. There is really no escape to my life. My little strange life that I wanted so badly, now is just painful, more painful then anything She
could have done to me.
::Only a man in a silly red sheet looking for special things inside of me.
Inside of me, inside of me, inside of me, inside of me. I'm only a man in a
funny red sheet only a man looking for a dream
Only a man in a funny red sheet and it's not easy,
It's not easy to be me.::