TITLE: Strange Turn Of Events (1/1)
AUTHOR: Esme.
EMAIL: akiyah2000@yahoo.co.uk
FEEDBACK: Yes please. (I don't think that it's actually that good, so be warned, but hey at least I had a go! Right?)
DISTRIBUTION: Fanfiction.net. Anyone else, if you want it, take it, just let me know.
SUMMARY: Something unexpected happens to Spike, and Xander is left to deal with the consequences.
WARNINGS: Character death.
SPOILERS: Angel :'I Will Remember You'. Set in Season Five. Xander & Anya broke up, and Spike still has his chip.
RATING: PG13 for swearing
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy etc..
NOTES: This is a response to Cat-Ku's 'Xander Survivor' challenge on Nummytreats, as follows:
I want to see a fic where Xander is the "survivor" of the relationship...in other words, Spike dies, or is dead, and Xander is left alone.
Must include:
the words "It wasn't supposed to end like this."
Angel (awkwardly) trying to comfort Xander.
A rose.
A knife.
A reference to an obscure myth, legend, or fairy tale
Must NOT be a Xander commits suicide fic.
WRITTEN: 15/03/2002
I don't think that anything in my life has affected me as much as that day did. It was that day that I found you, and lost you, all at the same time.
Everything seems so long ago now, but I am still here. Everyone I loved or knew was gone a long time ago; now I am alone, and all because a strange turn of events led me to where I am now..
It wasn't supposed to end like this. You were supposed to grow old and die.. with me. We were supposed to be together in the end. But I guess things on the Hellmouth never turn out the way you expect them to. You would think I would know that by now. Or at least be used to it.
---
We were fighting a demon in the magic shop that day. I'll never forget the look on your face when you realised what had happened. You were in complete shock. Then that turned to denial. It took you a long while to finally accept what you had become.. human.. again. William the Bloody, aka Spike, my friend, my secret lover.. human. It was a Mohra demon that changed you. Buffy said she saw Angel kill one once in his LA office, so of course, it was her who destroyed it. But not before you'd had your fair share of the fun!
I remember the way you fought that day. So swiftly, so gracefully, just as usual. Beautiful. So beautiful it made me horny, but then watching you fight always did! We'd just celebrated our first anniversary, and I'd bought you an ivory handled knife, engraved with a railroad spike. I was so proud when you took it out of your boot and smiled at me. You glanced over, smirked, winked, and then went straight in for the kill. Of course you didn't know the effect of its blood.
No-one did, not even Buffy.
Needless to say, the next few hours, and days after that were the strangest and most difficult of both our lives.
First there were the inevitable questions as to why we were hugging and kissing each other. Then came the consequences of us keeping our relationship a secret for so long. None of them understood that I loved you, or believed that you loved me, and had done when you were still a vampire. Buffy not being able to dust you wasn't even that much of a blessing, I think she would have beaten you to death if I hadn't stopped her. No-one should ever under-estimate the power of a bond between a vampire and their human consort. I know I did at one time. Even in death it's still strong and true. Almost as much as love.
I still don't remember picking her up and throwing her over the room. I guess that was what really made it easier to leave Sunnydale, at the time. There was just too much hate, and not enough understanding, acceptance, or even friendship anymore. Even Willow turned her back on me that day.
So we did the only thing we could, and high-tailed it to LA. In the daytime. Angel's face when we walked in to the Hyperion was almost as good as yours. He looked like he would drop dead (if he hadn't already been!) He explained about the Mohra, and what it meant, along with a few things about vampires and consorts.. the bond of blood and sex.. but it wasn't until a long time afterwards that I found out the whole truth.
---
A few days later, Deadboy went to see The Oracle to find out why you had been made human. They just told him something about how 'people should be careful when playing in the forest of the faeries.' We couldn't figure out what it meant, so we forgot about it.
In the meantime, you had eaten everything in sight, thrown it up just as rapidly, and marvelled at the human digestive system! When he came back, he didn't have anything to say that we didn't already know. You were human, and that was that.
It wasn't until you had your first fit that we really panicked.
How ironic is it that the very thing that brought you to me, took you from me? I think on the scale of irony, it just about hits the top mark. What was it you always used to say?
//Bloody wankers! Bloody Initiative! I'll kill every one of them when I get this bleedin' thing out me head!//
But you never did. Either of them. After the first, and last attack, you were taken straight to hospital and they put you on the Intensive Care Ward. A 'severe convulsion' they called what happened to you. It wasn't severe, it was destructive, devastating; life-ending. You were put on 'life- support', had scans taken, and I was told that it was highly unlikely that you would ever recover.
I spent every day with you. Refused to lose the hope that you would come back to me. Refused to believe that you were gone, because as far as I could see, you were still there. And you were. On that day.. that fateful day, when you came back to me. To let me know that you loved me, and would see me soon, and that you would be okay, and so would I.
You opened your eyes, your beautiful blue eyes, and squeezed my hand..
//Xander..// It was just a whisper.
//Love you. See you soon.//
I leant down and kissed you, for the last time. And then you were gone. And my decision was made.
The support machine was turned off one hour later. One week exactly to the time that you had become human again.
---
I stayed at the Hyperion after that day. I had no reason to come back to the Hellmouth. The only
good thing that Sunnydale ever did for me, was let me find you.
Angel tried to help me understand the pain I was in after you were really gone. After the funeral. It was a beautiful funeral. Only Angel and myself were there, but it was still beautiful. Just how you would've liked it! I didn't bury you, thought that the last thing you'd want was a coffin after having to dig yourself out of one before. Silly, I know, but still. I had you cremated. At midnight. Just a small engraving of a 'W' on the urn that I take everywhere with me.
Anyway, after the funeral, I wouldn't go anywhere. I basically stayed in my room, avoiding everything, and everybody. It was like it was safe in there. In my room, it was a different world. A world where you were still with me, where we still laughed and joked. A world where I could still feel your touches, both cool and warmth; where I could share your kisses. A world where we still made love, and held each other afterwards; protected each other. Loved each other.
I didn't want to leave that world. I hated it outside. Angel was just too pathetic, attempting to comfort me, telling me it would be okay. I know he was only trying to help, and it must've been awkward for him too. He was your Sire, and your friend in a way. He missed you too. But I just didn't think he really understood how it felt. Until the day I learned the truth.
Angel was human once.. He was attacked by a Mohra demon about a year before you died. Buffy was in LA, and came by to say hi, and that she couldn't keep seeing him, or something, because it would destroy them both. Angel was turned into a human. He and Buffy spent twenty-four hours together. Why only a day? Because he gave it back. He had redemption, he had humanity, and he gave it up so that he could save the world, and save Buffy, because without him as a Champion for the Powers, there was nobody strong enough to do 'what had to be done.'
That made me realise that he did understand how it felt to lose someone you loved, truly loved.
He also helped me understand why I was feeling so hurt. It was because of our bond. It was because I was your consort, bound to you by blood, love and sex. Even in death, it was still there. More so because you had my blood in yours when you died a human. I was feeling what a vampire would have done if their human consort had died. I was going through withdrawal, and was literally in an emotional pit of despair. And I was plunging deeper into it, and quickly. The only thing that Angel found strange was why.
Usually, when a human consort died, it wasn't of natural causes. They were usually killed by other vampires or demons, and sometimes even humans. The vampire would then have this complete feeling of devastation until their lovers' death was brought to justice. Some would go out and kill in the name of vengeance, and others would regress so far into themselves that they would eventually die, and no justice would ever be found.
But you hadn't been murdered. You had had a fit, which caused you to haemorrhage internally, which caused you to die.
I suddenly had the urge to go to Sunnydale.
When I got back, I never left. I remained depressed, and continued to grieve. I returned to my place as the comic relief in the Scooby gang. Mr. Doughnut Boy. I fought with them against their foes. Against the Initiative, which I thoroughly enjoyed. And finally against the Hellgod Glory. Buffy died that night. She sacrificed herself for a sister that she never really had. Jumped into the portal of Hell to close it, so that it wouldn't destroy the world.
And I stopped grieving. I didn't forget you were gone. But the pain just disappeared. I still don't understand why.
---
So, here I am. Still here. On the mouth of Hell. At seventy-five years old. And I still look like a twenty year old. You never did explain what being a consort meant. It would've made me live longer, because of the blood, but it was the grief of losing you that stopped me from ageing. I look the same as I did on the day that Buffy died. I looked the same at Giles' and Willows' funerals. And I looked the same when Angel took a walk in the sun about ten years ago, and asked me not to stop him. He'd just had enough, and couldn't do it anymore.
But I'm not Angel..
Every day, I look out of the window at midnight. I leave a white rose next to your ashes, knowing that you are watching and waiting for the time that I will come and be with you. For the time that *my* curse will end. For a time when *I* have earned my redemption, and atoned for not saving you, even after you died.
-Fin
Notes:
*I chose the obscure reference to Tam-Lin / Beauty and the Beast because, (extremely short interpretation) it is about someone wanting to be with their true love, who cannot. Hence the Xander being immortal, and needing to atone (Cursed by the Queen Of the Faeries (as the Powers mentioned) because he didn't conform to his duties as a consort.
You can find more information about the Ballad Of Tam-Lin and the comparisons between it and other tales at: www.tam-lin.org/index.html
*The significance of the White rose is as follows: Purity, Secrecy, Innocence, Worthiness, and Reverence. I chose this particularly for reverence: A feeling of profound awe and respect and often love; veneration
AUTHOR: Esme.
EMAIL: akiyah2000@yahoo.co.uk
FEEDBACK: Yes please. (I don't think that it's actually that good, so be warned, but hey at least I had a go! Right?)
DISTRIBUTION: Fanfiction.net. Anyone else, if you want it, take it, just let me know.
SUMMARY: Something unexpected happens to Spike, and Xander is left to deal with the consequences.
WARNINGS: Character death.
SPOILERS: Angel :'I Will Remember You'. Set in Season Five. Xander & Anya broke up, and Spike still has his chip.
RATING: PG13 for swearing
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy etc..
NOTES: This is a response to Cat-Ku's 'Xander Survivor' challenge on Nummytreats, as follows:
I want to see a fic where Xander is the "survivor" of the relationship...in other words, Spike dies, or is dead, and Xander is left alone.
Must include:
the words "It wasn't supposed to end like this."
Angel (awkwardly) trying to comfort Xander.
A rose.
A knife.
A reference to an obscure myth, legend, or fairy tale
Must NOT be a Xander commits suicide fic.
WRITTEN: 15/03/2002
I don't think that anything in my life has affected me as much as that day did. It was that day that I found you, and lost you, all at the same time.
Everything seems so long ago now, but I am still here. Everyone I loved or knew was gone a long time ago; now I am alone, and all because a strange turn of events led me to where I am now..
It wasn't supposed to end like this. You were supposed to grow old and die.. with me. We were supposed to be together in the end. But I guess things on the Hellmouth never turn out the way you expect them to. You would think I would know that by now. Or at least be used to it.
---
We were fighting a demon in the magic shop that day. I'll never forget the look on your face when you realised what had happened. You were in complete shock. Then that turned to denial. It took you a long while to finally accept what you had become.. human.. again. William the Bloody, aka Spike, my friend, my secret lover.. human. It was a Mohra demon that changed you. Buffy said she saw Angel kill one once in his LA office, so of course, it was her who destroyed it. But not before you'd had your fair share of the fun!
I remember the way you fought that day. So swiftly, so gracefully, just as usual. Beautiful. So beautiful it made me horny, but then watching you fight always did! We'd just celebrated our first anniversary, and I'd bought you an ivory handled knife, engraved with a railroad spike. I was so proud when you took it out of your boot and smiled at me. You glanced over, smirked, winked, and then went straight in for the kill. Of course you didn't know the effect of its blood.
No-one did, not even Buffy.
Needless to say, the next few hours, and days after that were the strangest and most difficult of both our lives.
First there were the inevitable questions as to why we were hugging and kissing each other. Then came the consequences of us keeping our relationship a secret for so long. None of them understood that I loved you, or believed that you loved me, and had done when you were still a vampire. Buffy not being able to dust you wasn't even that much of a blessing, I think she would have beaten you to death if I hadn't stopped her. No-one should ever under-estimate the power of a bond between a vampire and their human consort. I know I did at one time. Even in death it's still strong and true. Almost as much as love.
I still don't remember picking her up and throwing her over the room. I guess that was what really made it easier to leave Sunnydale, at the time. There was just too much hate, and not enough understanding, acceptance, or even friendship anymore. Even Willow turned her back on me that day.
So we did the only thing we could, and high-tailed it to LA. In the daytime. Angel's face when we walked in to the Hyperion was almost as good as yours. He looked like he would drop dead (if he hadn't already been!) He explained about the Mohra, and what it meant, along with a few things about vampires and consorts.. the bond of blood and sex.. but it wasn't until a long time afterwards that I found out the whole truth.
---
A few days later, Deadboy went to see The Oracle to find out why you had been made human. They just told him something about how 'people should be careful when playing in the forest of the faeries.' We couldn't figure out what it meant, so we forgot about it.
In the meantime, you had eaten everything in sight, thrown it up just as rapidly, and marvelled at the human digestive system! When he came back, he didn't have anything to say that we didn't already know. You were human, and that was that.
It wasn't until you had your first fit that we really panicked.
How ironic is it that the very thing that brought you to me, took you from me? I think on the scale of irony, it just about hits the top mark. What was it you always used to say?
//Bloody wankers! Bloody Initiative! I'll kill every one of them when I get this bleedin' thing out me head!//
But you never did. Either of them. After the first, and last attack, you were taken straight to hospital and they put you on the Intensive Care Ward. A 'severe convulsion' they called what happened to you. It wasn't severe, it was destructive, devastating; life-ending. You were put on 'life- support', had scans taken, and I was told that it was highly unlikely that you would ever recover.
I spent every day with you. Refused to lose the hope that you would come back to me. Refused to believe that you were gone, because as far as I could see, you were still there. And you were. On that day.. that fateful day, when you came back to me. To let me know that you loved me, and would see me soon, and that you would be okay, and so would I.
You opened your eyes, your beautiful blue eyes, and squeezed my hand..
//Xander..// It was just a whisper.
//Love you. See you soon.//
I leant down and kissed you, for the last time. And then you were gone. And my decision was made.
The support machine was turned off one hour later. One week exactly to the time that you had become human again.
---
I stayed at the Hyperion after that day. I had no reason to come back to the Hellmouth. The only
good thing that Sunnydale ever did for me, was let me find you.
Angel tried to help me understand the pain I was in after you were really gone. After the funeral. It was a beautiful funeral. Only Angel and myself were there, but it was still beautiful. Just how you would've liked it! I didn't bury you, thought that the last thing you'd want was a coffin after having to dig yourself out of one before. Silly, I know, but still. I had you cremated. At midnight. Just a small engraving of a 'W' on the urn that I take everywhere with me.
Anyway, after the funeral, I wouldn't go anywhere. I basically stayed in my room, avoiding everything, and everybody. It was like it was safe in there. In my room, it was a different world. A world where you were still with me, where we still laughed and joked. A world where I could still feel your touches, both cool and warmth; where I could share your kisses. A world where we still made love, and held each other afterwards; protected each other. Loved each other.
I didn't want to leave that world. I hated it outside. Angel was just too pathetic, attempting to comfort me, telling me it would be okay. I know he was only trying to help, and it must've been awkward for him too. He was your Sire, and your friend in a way. He missed you too. But I just didn't think he really understood how it felt. Until the day I learned the truth.
Angel was human once.. He was attacked by a Mohra demon about a year before you died. Buffy was in LA, and came by to say hi, and that she couldn't keep seeing him, or something, because it would destroy them both. Angel was turned into a human. He and Buffy spent twenty-four hours together. Why only a day? Because he gave it back. He had redemption, he had humanity, and he gave it up so that he could save the world, and save Buffy, because without him as a Champion for the Powers, there was nobody strong enough to do 'what had to be done.'
That made me realise that he did understand how it felt to lose someone you loved, truly loved.
He also helped me understand why I was feeling so hurt. It was because of our bond. It was because I was your consort, bound to you by blood, love and sex. Even in death, it was still there. More so because you had my blood in yours when you died a human. I was feeling what a vampire would have done if their human consort had died. I was going through withdrawal, and was literally in an emotional pit of despair. And I was plunging deeper into it, and quickly. The only thing that Angel found strange was why.
Usually, when a human consort died, it wasn't of natural causes. They were usually killed by other vampires or demons, and sometimes even humans. The vampire would then have this complete feeling of devastation until their lovers' death was brought to justice. Some would go out and kill in the name of vengeance, and others would regress so far into themselves that they would eventually die, and no justice would ever be found.
But you hadn't been murdered. You had had a fit, which caused you to haemorrhage internally, which caused you to die.
I suddenly had the urge to go to Sunnydale.
When I got back, I never left. I remained depressed, and continued to grieve. I returned to my place as the comic relief in the Scooby gang. Mr. Doughnut Boy. I fought with them against their foes. Against the Initiative, which I thoroughly enjoyed. And finally against the Hellgod Glory. Buffy died that night. She sacrificed herself for a sister that she never really had. Jumped into the portal of Hell to close it, so that it wouldn't destroy the world.
And I stopped grieving. I didn't forget you were gone. But the pain just disappeared. I still don't understand why.
---
So, here I am. Still here. On the mouth of Hell. At seventy-five years old. And I still look like a twenty year old. You never did explain what being a consort meant. It would've made me live longer, because of the blood, but it was the grief of losing you that stopped me from ageing. I look the same as I did on the day that Buffy died. I looked the same at Giles' and Willows' funerals. And I looked the same when Angel took a walk in the sun about ten years ago, and asked me not to stop him. He'd just had enough, and couldn't do it anymore.
But I'm not Angel..
Every day, I look out of the window at midnight. I leave a white rose next to your ashes, knowing that you are watching and waiting for the time that I will come and be with you. For the time that *my* curse will end. For a time when *I* have earned my redemption, and atoned for not saving you, even after you died.
-Fin
Notes:
*I chose the obscure reference to Tam-Lin / Beauty and the Beast because, (extremely short interpretation) it is about someone wanting to be with their true love, who cannot. Hence the Xander being immortal, and needing to atone (Cursed by the Queen Of the Faeries (as the Powers mentioned) because he didn't conform to his duties as a consort.
You can find more information about the Ballad Of Tam-Lin and the comparisons between it and other tales at: www.tam-lin.org/index.html
*The significance of the White rose is as follows: Purity, Secrecy, Innocence, Worthiness, and Reverence. I chose this particularly for reverence: A feeling of profound awe and respect and often love; veneration