A/N: Haha, this is just the strangest thing I have ever written. And I mean that—I meant it to be a parody but I just threw in a whole lot of junk. It could be entertaining, depending on how weird your sense of humor is. If you're like me, then you'll find it…oddly…funny (at times). Mostly LOTR based, but HP characters are thrown in for the fun of it, and a couple of references/lines from other movies, i.e. The Matrix, Black Hawk Down…I think that's it.
And a short disclaimer: I don't own any characters except Alia, whom I don't claim because she's a rather pathetic character. There, I'm done.
The sparkling brook bubbled merrily and the leaves glistened with dew. Light that penetrated the dense roof of foliage shined down upon the forest floor. Through the trees the tall elf stepped nimbly, smiling to himself. He was in a state of utter calm this beautiful morning and nothing could have possibly ruined the day he was so looking forward to.
You see, it was the morning of the day he would be able to journey to the grand city of Rivendell to represent his peoples in a jolly old conference of some sort. He had really no notion of what they were to discuss or what it was that was so "pressing," as the elf lord Elrond had put it when he sent a request to his father, Thranduil. So Legolas Greenleaf was as merry as can be, carefree with spirits high this bright morning.
He kneeled by the brook and ran his fingers lovingly through the clear water. Then he bent further over a patch of smooth water to admire the elf that looked back at him from the surface. Oh, he knew he was pretty. He was, by far, the prettiest elf in his father's forest kingdom. And the reason why he was so eager to get to Rivendell…well, he wanted to prove to himself that he was the prettiest elf in both great elven kingdoms. He had yet to find a way to travel to the forest of the Lady Galadriel that he had heard so much about. She was said to be of a beauty unrivaled. Well, he surely needed to see that with his own eyes.
Lost in his thoughts, Legolas did not notice when a light suddenly appeared behind him and grew steadily until it became a blinding white. It seemed to be a porthole of some sort…perhaps connecting with another world he did not know of. Legolas continued staring at his reflection as a delicate foot stepped out of the circle of light.
A girl, encased in a delicate glow that emphasized the dark ebony of her wavy tresses, stood, now fully emerged from the hole of light, which was disappearing just as quickly as it had come.
And that was when Legolas turned.
He turned to see a girl just shorter than him, wearing a lovely white gown that draped over her shoulders and left her arms bare. She had large, dark eyes that were lined with full lashes and an expression of innocence. Her flowing hair framed her delicately featured face as she stood, looking at him in shock. Legolas straightened and stared back at her.
And then she squealed, "Oh my god, you're even more gorgeous in real life!"
Well, point out the obvious…he thought. Legolas continued staring at her as if she had not spoken. That beautiful hair, her dark eyes, her slender figure…she was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. And he stared at her in awe.
…But that didn't quite happen. Instead, he jumped back and screeched, "Arrrrrgghhhhh! What, or who, are you?!"
The girl was taken aback. She looked as if she would cry for a moment. "Oh, you're so mean! I am Alundarinfenlutinuwen, long lost daughter of Sauron…no, that would make me a formless shadow of darkness. How about long lost daughter of Saruman? No, no, that would mean I'd have oddly long eyebrows and long, white hair. Oh, I've got it! Long lost daughter of the line of Beren and Luthien and high princess of the…er…" she stopped, as if unable to think up a name for the people she was royalty of.
The elf was silent before he blurted out, "What the hell of a kind of name is that? Get away from me, you filthy creature! You're ruining my aura!"
Alundarinfenlutinuwen, or so she called herself, burst into tears, which made Legolas feel somewhat guilty. Well, that didn't last for long. He shrugged and turned back to look at himself some more in the water.
"So I finally get it to work and I come here just to find you, and when I do, you're terrible!" she pouted.
"What?" he asked, turning back to her, "get what to work? You know who I am?"
"I worship that movie, and I worship you…and I don't know quite how I did it, but I made this little transport system, and, well, I find myself here! I dressed myself up for it, too…"
The elf was silent and he looked at her questioningly. "Mo-vie? Transport…system?"
"Never mind," she grumbled.
There was an awkward pause before Legolas abruptly stood and stepped away. "Well, I'll be off now…got to get to Rivendell--"
"Ooh!" she squealed again, the high pitch of her voice making him cringe, "wonderful! I even set it to the right time! Now I can be the tenth member of the Fellowship, just as I always dreamed to be, and…" she trailed off, for the elf had already rolled his eyes and disappeared into the trees, lightly and swiftly like an elf. Well duh, he is an elf. She stopped squealing and chased after him, moving clumsily in comparison to his cat-like step.
* * * * *
Legolas could not bring himself to understand why his father had ordered him to bring the rather annoying girl along with him to Rivendell. It was a pretty cruel act on his father's part…having the girl along for the entire horse ride through the dense forest of Mirkwood was not easy. All she seemed capable of was complaining about her sore butt and staring for interminably long moments at his face. As if to say, 'I know I'm beautiful,' Legolas would simply shrug and urge his horse quicker.
So now they were in Rivendell and Legolas had donned a loose brown tunic that brought out the blue of his eyes, or so he thought. He had managed to leave the girl by a fountain, which she probably was still staring at in awe. Legolas made his way to the meeting place of the council and sat in his place in an intricately carved wooden chair.
He looked about him and saw an old, bent man who was wearing a pointed hat and was sitting next to a very small young man whose legs did not reach the floor from the height of the chair. There were also many other elves (none of which were a match for Legolas' charm), two men, and two dwarves. He grimaced at the dwarves: he had always thought them to be rather nasty creatures…short, unkempt, and rough. And they voices were nothing like the melodious, lilting voices of his own people.
Lord Elrond took his seat at the head of the circle with a majestic air that he always seemed to possess about him. But majestic air or not, Legolas reassured himself, still the prettiest one here.
Just when Elrond opened his mouth to speak, the group heard several faint 'popping' noises, much to their befuddlement. And, out of thin air, three young and peculiar looking children appeared, accompanied by a somewhat older boy—just as peculiar in appearance. Elrond stood in surprise and stared at the boy in the center of the circle who was wearing black circles around his eyes and had very messy hair. He was holding some sort of stick in his hand just as the rest of them.
"Nice, Hermione, you seem to have gotten us into a dandy fix here," said a sandy-haired, rather gangly little boy.
"Yeah," agreed the boy with the eye circles, "so much for apparating to Hogsmeade. To hell with your Apparating Made Easy! Where are we…?"
Then they noticed where they were and began to look about them in wonder.
"Holy mother of buh-Jesus," the older boy exclaimed.
"Shuddup, Wood," said the red-haired boy, "we don't even know why you're here with us! …Come to think of it, why are you here?"
"Because the author thinks I'm cute, that's why," (A/N: Nowhere close to the Elves!) Wood replied, "I really don't know myself. Sometimes hot characters just get thrown into things for no particular reason. It's just setting it up for the author to write some mumbo jumbo schmaltzy romance between another girl and me so that the people who are actually reading this can fantasize…"
"What is the meaning of this?" thundered Elrond, interrupting the banter between the children.
The boy in the center with the messy hair spoke up first. "Er, excuse me, but my name is Harry Potter and these are my friends—Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger…oh, and Oliver Wood. Could you tell us where we are? We're frightfully sorry to interrupt your…er…meeting," he said, looking around at the many faces that were glaring at him.
Legolas stood, flashing a quick glare around at all of them. "You are in the Elven city of Rivendell, and you have interfered in the middle of a holding of the Council of Elrond…I suggest, if you do not have any business of importance here, that you leave the presence of Lord Elrond," he said, sounding awfully stuck-up.
"Well then," said Hermione in a bossy tone, "if you know so much about this place, do you think you could help us get back? I'm afraid if I try to apparate us again we'll get stuck somewhere worse."
"Voldemort," Harry whispered, for no reason, just out of the blue, suddenly clutching his scar as a searing pain shot through his head.
"What in the name of Earendil is with you children?!" Legolas cried, watching as Harry began to writhe on the floor. Harry stood up again, recovered, and brushed a bit of dirt off his messy hair.
"Oh, don't worry about me. That tends to happen a lot nowadays. Sorry 'bout that, Sir, um, Sir…"
"Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood," Legolas said, rolling his eyes haughtily.
"That's a weird name," Harry began, but trailed off as his eyes widened. That was when the children noticed the strange appearance of the people around them. They may have seen strange things in the wizarding world, but never had they seen people with strange pointy ears, half-sized people, and so many swords in one place.
"Whoa," breathed Oliver.
"Didn't we tell you to shut up?" Hermione said in annoyance, turning to him, "you're not supposed to say anything. You're only there for 'looking' purposes. We don't need to hear your charming Scottish accent."
"Oh, but I do!" A sudden squeal from the far side of the courtyard made them all turn in that direction. Alundar…that girl who had come with Legolas was running towards them. She finally stopped in front of Elrond, breathing raggedly. "Oliver Wood! Wow…this is like heaven." She turned to the stern elf sitting at the head of the council. "Sir, Mister Elrond, sir, I have a request: will you allow me to journey with this company and these children? We have a matter at hand—that Ring has got to be destroyed, and you know all this, so let's skip the schmoozy details and get going with the journey!"
"Who are you?" Elrond asked her, puzzled.
"My name is…"
The elf lord held up a hand, silencing her. "I know already who you are. You seem to have two different identities. One of them is this…Alia…you are a seventeen year old enrolled at Lexington High School, you are in the gifted and talented program, you enjoy writing, and you…help your mother take out the trash. And the other is the one known as Alundarin…well, a young lady, who somehow miraculously appeared into our world and is trying to impersonate an Elven princess. One of these lives has a future. The other does not. We are, of course, willing to wipe the slate clean…"
"What?" The entire council, including the newcomers, looked to each other in bewilderment.
"Uh—never mind," Elrond said rather hastily, "wrong character. I nearly forgot my place…" He reached up to the bridge of his nose as if pushing up a pair of black nonexistent sunglasses. Then he shook his head vigorously as it to clear away any stray thoughts, before adding a loud proclamation: "The Ring must be destroyed!"
"I think we've already been over that," Legolas grumbled, "the girl was asking you about the Fellowship…"
"OH." The entire council suppressed fits of giggles at the sight of the flushed elf lord. "Yes, I…uh…yes."
So Elrond agreed, hasty to rid his city of these strange people (and not to be embarrassed any further), the matter of the Ring pushed far into the outreaches of his mind after such an unusual ordeal. And the Fellowship was formed out of the two hobbits: Frodo and Sam, the wizard Gandalf the Grey, Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, Aragorn, man of many names, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Oliver Wood, and, of course, Alia—the tenth member of the Fellowship.
* * * * *
The group of ten marched for many long and weary days, stopping only to rest at night, and even then for short hours. Everyone's mood had been suppressed—the air itself seemed foreboding, the trees felt as if they were bending inwards, grappling at them with leafy fingers, and the rocks seemed to send the echoes of their footsteps bouncing off every corner of the land in a twenty mile radius. Even the overly joyous girl was quiet for several days.
And then, after much traveling and many complaining of sore feet (even the hobbits with their furry feet), the group halted. The wizard Gandalf held up a hand to silence them as they stood atop a ridge where the wind entangled their hair and clothing. Legolas positioned himself at the top of the ridge, looking about proudly as the wind swept through his silky blonde hair. Here's a perfect chance for me to flaunt my charming good looks…that's right, look both ways with a fierce and determined expression, admire the scenery… he thought, posing like a model.
"We must now make a decision," Gandalf finally said in that stern manner of his, "it has been far too long a journey from the Elven city to the mountains. We must hasten."
"Which path do we take?" asked Aragorn, "there is the mountain path of Caradhras, or the dark mines of Moria…"
"Nay," said Gandalf, "my heart tells me that darkness and things that are ill cover the mines. We must travel through Caradhras."
Alia (for that is what the group had come to call her, tiring of her long name no one could remember—not even herself or even the author, half the time) looked up at the snowy peaks of the mountains in the distance. "The cold dry air will damage my hair," she protested sheepishly. "And besides, I already know what happens—it's a pity you all are too stupid to recognize…"
At that, Gandalf turned to look straight into her eyes, a look that bored into her mind. "And what is it you know that none of us do, may I ask?"
"Well, if we go up to Kaa-raa…thraa…s, we'll get blown away by some storm that's called upon by some other wizard guy who is in serious need of a nail file, and be forced to go into the mines. It should be easier to just go down to the mines and get all those Orc battles over and done with—oh, Mister Gandalf, you might want to watch out for a certain fiery creature down in Moria…the thing will probably crack its whip when you think you've gotten it, and you'll be pulled down too. If you want to avoid any unnecessary trouble." Alia smiled rather innocently and batted her eyelashes at Legolas, who was too busy looking beautiful to notice.
"Are you a seer of some sort?" Gandalf asked, eyeing her suspiciously. "I have not foreseen this. And I do not know if it would be ill to trust you."
"What is up with this?" Harry suddenly exclaimed, after having been silent for the past several days, only muttering occasionally about his aching back. "I really don't appreciate being sent on a strange journey in this weird place…why can't you people just tell us how to get back?"
"I keep telling you, Harry, there isn't a way back, we have to apparate! But you guys won't let me--" Hermione shot back.
"Shut yer mouth, Hermione," Ron said angrily, "we aren't gonna let you do that again or we'll probably end up in You-Know-Who's house or something."
"You-know-who doesn't have a house," Oliver grumbled, "that's ridiculous. You guys are ridiculous. And so is this journey. And stop staring at me, you crazy girl," he said, glaring at Alia.
Before the girl could burst out into tears again, a huge gust of wind nearly swept the group off their feet. When they regained their balance and the dust cloud finally settled, they were astonished to see a strange, large, black contraption sitting in front of their eyes.
"Whoa," Harry breathed, "isn't that one of the muggle things? What do you call it, uh--"
"Mordulin," muttered Legolas.
"What?" the entire group asked, turning to look at him.
"Black bird," Gandalf translated for them.
"No, no!" Alundarin exclaimed suddenly, "you guys are clueless! It's a helicopter—it's a…what's it called, a Black Hawk! Or at least I think that's what it was…saw it in some movie or another…don't quite remember."
"Black hawk? Same thing," the elf snorted, glaring at her.
"No, very diff—no, wait!"
But before she could stop him, Legolas had stepped into the helicopter to see what was inside, and he had begun to fiddle with the controls. To her horror, it rose in the air and continued rising until it was at least thirty feet from where they stood.
"Fool of a Greenleaf!" cursed Gandalf.
"I thought you're supposed to call Pippin that--" Sam began but was silenced by the wizard.
"Climb down!" Hermione yelled up at the bewildered elf. "There should be rope or something—use it to climb out of the helicopter before it gains more altitude!"
The group watched, held in suspense and barely breathing for the next few moments, until finally a long, snake-like coil of black rope was thrown from the helicopter. Legolas appeared at the top and he began lowering himself adeptly, hand over hand.
Alia found herself holding her breath with the others and sighed in relief as he began his descent. But her relief was premature, for suddenly the helicopter bucked in the air (by some unknown cause) and the gorgeous elf lost his grip on the rope. He plunged down the thirty feet that still remained between him and the ground, before landing with a sickening thud and causing another huge dust cloud.
As soon as everyone realized what had happened, they rushed over to where the elf lay, limp on the ground. Harry was the first one to reach him. "Goodness!" he cried, "Hermione, I need a healing charm! Argh, why can't I remember what Madam Pomfrey said to heal my bones?!" But to his surprise, Hermione was speechless. She merely shrugged and pointed to the wizard.
"This isn't my place," she said, "ask the wizard. He seems to know what he's doing."
"These strange 'black hawks' are not of my world, I do not know what power they possess or what controls them. It is an evil beyond my grasp," the wizard admitted, stroking his beard as he stared dumbfounded at the unconscious elf.
"God, somebody help him!" Alia screamed. "I can't believe he's going to die already, and it's only been a few days! In the equivalent of movie-time this would only be the first twenty minutes! He can't die at the beginning! He's not a stupid novice, he's an elf! An elf!!! Save him!"
The group stared at her, wondering at her strangeness. Then Harry stood and looked grim. "I can't be sure, but there's no pulse…people with pointy ears and killer aim have pulses, don't they?"
Gandalf sighed dejectedly, and everyone knew the answer to Harry's question. Alia had crumpled to the ground at the side of the elf (who still looked radiant even though his face was bloodied up and he had a dreadful gash running from his cheekbone to his jaw).
But suddenly the group felt a warmth on their faces, and they tilted their heads up to look at what appeared to be a gap in the blanket of clouds. From it came a stream of light, and it extended until it rested upon the area in which they stood. Each of them felt warmth coursing through their limbs and their minds were refreshed as if by a miracle. Then the light crept over to where the Elf lay limp, and on him it lingered the longest…
Alia stepped back and shielded her eyes with her arms as a blinding flash lit the air around her. Then, just as suddenly and mysteriously as it had begun, the light faded and the wind once more soared over the ridge top.
"Gilthoniel, A Elbereth," a soft voice began, becoming stronger and more melodious with every word, "Aiya elenion ancalima…"
The group stared down at Legolas, whose eyes were flickering open.
"It's a miracle!" Frodo whispered, the camera zooming in for a close up on his beautiful blue eyes for the hundredth time, and indeed, it was a miracle. The Elf had been miraculously brought back to life, despite a broken collarbone and the fact that his spinal cord was completely out of alignment.
Harry gasped then as he realized that the soft melody was coming from the Elf's soft lips. "Goodness," he muttered, "that has got to be the most beautiful--"
"Oh! Pink and yellow…that is just too brilliant!" Legolas suddenly exclaimed, sitting upright. Before any of the others could stop him, he stood and jumped off the ridge. Alia cried out in dismay as the others ran to the edge. Aragorn reached the edge first and peered down into a ravine.
"Fool of a Greenleaf indeed," he said to Gandalf. But suddenly Ron cried out and pointed to the ledge of the ravine. They all stood watching in horror as the Elf climbed up, dusted himself off, and skipped nimbly to a patch of wildflowers. Pink and yellow wildflowers. He reached down and plucked a few delicately off their stems and gently tucked them behind his ears.
"Goodness!" exclaimed Oliver Wood. "I've never seen so much flamboyance in my life!"
"True…" Frodo muttered as Alia began to cry hopelessly.
"No, you're kidding me! I knew it was too good to be true…hottest Elf in Middle-earth, cutest keeper in Hogwarts, coolest soon-to-be king who has many names, greatest adventure of all time…wasn't going to happen, was it? No, not for me! This place is a dump! I hate Middle-earth! And I hate you, Legolas!" She turned to look at all of them in a sweeping glance. "I hate you all!"
Tears swept down her face as she glared at them and snapped her fingers…and in a flurry, she vanished into a cloud of smoke. The others had not even noticed her disappearance, for they were so entranced by the Elf's odd behavior. Actually, Aragorn was thinking that the Elf's fashion sense was nearly as good as his aim, and he deeply yearned to join him and frolic amongst the lilies.
Legolas continued to prance about the patch of flowers, braiding lilies into his golden hair, and the others continued to watch, wondering at their companion, wondering at the strangeness of this quest…wondering about the absolute pointlessness of this story……
Frodo suddenly sprang up and grinned maliciously. "To hell with all of you and your quest! I'm going to rule to world! Get it? RULE THE WORLD!!!" He slipped the Ring on his finger and disappeared. Gandalf and Aragorn cried out in fear. Sam began to weep at the loss of his friend and the kids from Hogwarts merely cocked an eyebrow at the odd scene. But Frodo was too weak to wrest power from the Dark Lord's grasp, and soon the sky grew dark and Sauron regained the Ring, and the world crumbled…
But Legolas kept on prancing, and he pranced amongst the flowers until the end of days, when all was dark. Then he sailed to the Grey Havens and the undying land of the Elven people, and there, he frolicked some more.
The End
A/N: Oh, thank god it's over, you say? J Yea, I suppose it could be a parody—a parody of several movies, stereo types, and, of course, Mary Sues. Not that I have anything against them…I am, after all, a writer of Mary Sues myself. But that is beside the question. Thought I would share both sides of my opinion: I love 'em, but if it's going to be one, make it a good one. And if you've read this far, I commend you on your valour and I greatly appreciate it. Please review!