Summary: The two writer's of The Fanny Menace deal with various characters that come to their office for contracts, complaints and just to wear out their welcome. Problems arise as they group fails to get out of the office for a looooong time.
Warnings: We promise nothing because as you read this, you'll see that we get into a lot of trouble. We do not own the characters only the personalities that we gave them, corrupting them for our own use. Also, our own personalities were placed in this fic, but to make it funny, we took it to extremes. Also, we are not drug users, alcohol users or over-bearing tightwads as so emphasized in our spoof. This spoof contains drug use, alcohol abuses, scantly dressed sith lords, sexually confused Elves, perverted hobbits, volience, bad use of plot ideas, destruction of Lucas' and Tolkien's ideas and any other movie we borrowed from.
Special thanks: I, Sie, would like to thank my buds (you know who you are because I mentioned you in my last spoof) for their encouragment and especially my best bud, who co-wrote this spoof with me. Without her help, it wouldn't be near as funny if I had wrote it myself. Thanks!
Author's note: It helps to have read The Fanny Menace and Lord of the Pills: Dysfunctional Chaos, but it's not required. Both are great spoofs! ;-)
Another Typical Day in the Office
By: Tiarra and Sierra
Day 1
Introduction
[Somewhere in a big city not as far away as you hoped, there is an office where the Academy Award winning writers of The Fanny Menace go to conjure up ideas and write them down for the sake of making people laugh. The two enter their office through one door, in the center of the office. The room is separated only by the color of the walls and carpet clashing forming an invisible line between the them. Sierra (Sie) after entering walks to the right, sits down and leans back in her chair placing her feet on her desk. Tiarra (Ti) after entering walks to the left, sits down in her desk properly and begins to adjust the things on her desk.
Sie's office consist of light lavender walls with light beige carpet soft to the touch. Her desk is ordered in such a way that she could find something while others are left baffled. On her desk is a laptop, a notebook, a few books, scattered documents of importance and a bottle of Lithium. In the corner of her desk is a remote that allows her access to the hidden stashes behind the walls that rotate to reveal a nice supply alcohol, a fridge, a small library, and a huge stereo. Hanging on the walls are various poster of rock bands such as Nickelback, Linkin Park, Fuel and Bon Jovi. In the far corner is a dark lavender couch big enough to sit three people. Sie herself is wearing blue jeans, covered in holes with two large one's at the knees, a short white shirt with a light plaid shirt over it, her class ring dangling on a chain around her neck.
Her partner' side of the office consists of pink walls with lace draperies with a soft pearl white spotless carpet. She sits in a single desk; behind the desk is a "throne" chair. Upon the desk, sits a computer (with a few dents because Ti is not a computer person) directly in the center along with various knick-knacks each in its own place, including a Garfield comic strip, day-to-day calendar. Everything is perfectly organized right down to the pile of stuffed animals in the corner (also containing her bunny, Binky). She has a pink couch in the corner. A big picture of herself and her cat hangs on the wall behind her desk, along with a picture of "HER" city, Dallas, TX. The walls of her office open up into a small "kitchen" with a mini fridge containing a supply of cheesecake and chocolate mint cups. Also, there is a coffee maker and cappuccino machine. Her other room is a "dressing room" in which there is a full length mirror, vanity, and a closet full of dresses. On the wall adjacent to her desk hang pictures of various figure skaters. In each area of her office, there hangs at least three calendars. Tiarra is wearing a off-white skirt with matching blouse. Her hair is perfectly fixed, along with her make-up perfectly done.]
Sie, looking over at her bud: Are the auditions the only thing we're waiting for on this spoof?
Ti: Yes, and according to my schedule book, Anakin is coming over today around 1:00. I can't wait till he gets here. (smiles and looks dreamily into her schedule book)
Sie, smiling and laughing softly: Ok, anyway....(Her door opens to an angry Jedi walking towards her desk.)
Obi-Wan, furious with Qui-Gon behind him: I can't believe you have not paid me for the damages! I tried not to take this to court, but your leaving me no choice.
Sie, un-phased: Didn't I tell you to take your kilt and go home?
Obi-Wan, more angry: My contract forbids me to become harmed in anyway. I deserve some compensation.
Sie, looking at Qui-Gon: Are you here for the same reason?
Qui-Gon: I just came to make sure he didn't make an idiot of himself.
Ti: Where is Anakin; he's ten seconds late!
[There's a long pause till Sie pulls out a contract, Obi-Wan's, then reads it.]
Sie, reading: " I will do whatever Tiarra and Sierra want. X's and O's, Obi-Wan" (Obi-Wan takes the contract while Qui-Gon laughs.)
Qui-Gon: That's what you get for signing the contract while your drunk.
Ti, frustrated: He's 30 seconds late!
Sie, to Obi-Wan: You--go see Tiarra about your Episode 2 spoof contract. (to Qui-Gon) Since you're here, you've been drafted to make a cameo appearance as a ghost. Go talk to Tiarra about your contract.
[Both walk over to Ti's desk. Obi-Wan plops down in the chair across from her desk and swings his feet up on her desk. Qui-Gon just stands behind him.]
Ti, giving Obi-Wan an evil look: If you want to keep your feet, you had better get them off of MY desk right NOW!!
[Obi-Wan quickly moves his feet.]
Obi-Wan: About my next contract, I want full medical coverage, both physical and mental, free meals everyday, more kissing scenes with females, no more gay guys chasing after me--
[Just then Maul appears in nothing but boxers and asks...]
Maul: Has anyone seen my ship!?
Obi-Wan, banging head on Ti's desk: Why me?
Sie: No, we haven't seen your ship! Why are you here? If you have a complaint, see me. If you need a new contract, talk to Tiarra.
[Maul just stands in the middle of the room not knowing what he's suppose to be doing.]
Obi-Wan, still making demands: I also want say so in any changes in the script, most importantly, NO MORE JAR-JAR, oh, also a full partnership.
Ti, sarcastically: Is that all? (looks at watch) Anakin's 5 minutes late!
[Nineteen year old Anakin Skywalker enters the door; Ti immediately perks up with a huge grin on her face, shoves Obi-Wan out of the chair, and motions Anakin to sit down. He does so.]
Obi-Wan, still talking: If you don't meet all of my demands, I won't do the Episode 2 spoof, and let's face it, you have to have me. I'm the main character!
[Sie and Ti shakes their heads vigorously.]
Ti, to Obi-Wan: We don't need you in this next movie! We could have Anakin kill you before Episode 2.
Anakin: Sounds good to me!
[Obi-Wan goes for his lightsaber.]
Obi-Wan, to Qui-Gon: Master!
[Qui-Gon grabs Obi-Wan to hold him back.]
Qui-Gon: Let him live, Obi-Wan!
Ti, producing Obi-Wan a contract: Here, sign on the line, and I don't want to hear anymore of your complaints.
Qui-Gon: Make sure you read it this time.
[Obi-Wan, without doing so, signs it. Tiarra hands the contract over to Sierra, who hides it in her desk for safe keeping.]
Sie: I sense more complaining coming on.
[As if by command, Frodo and Sam walk in beside one another, give Maul, who is still standing in the middle of the room, a quizzical glance and immediately go over to Sierra's desk.]
Sie, leaning over desk to look at the short hobbits: Can I help you?
Sam: I detest the fact that you made me gay in your last spoof!
Sie: Well, I thought it was funny, and so did a lot of other people.
Frodo: I know that wasn't in our contract.
[Sie pulls out their contracts which say "We will do whatever Sierra wants. Love, Frodo and Sam."]
Ti, listening in from her desk, slightly baffled: How do you get people to sign those?
Sie, pulling out liquor cabinet: Quite easily, actually.
Ti: Right....anyway.....back to Anakin. So, Anakin, what's your middle name? What's your astrological sign? If you could go anywhere, where would you go and why? If you were hurt on a set, would you try to sue us? (glares at Obi-Wan then turns to face Anakin again) Is your lightsaber green or is it blue? Are you seeing anybody?
Anakin: What does this have to do with the spoof?
[Sie, listening in on the conversation, snickers in the back ground.]
Ti, handing him a contract: Sign here! (to Qui-Gon) And here's your contract for your brief appearance as a ghost!
[Qui-Gon reads carefully over the contract, searching for any loopholes, finds none and signs. Tiarra gives both Anakin and Qui-Gon's signed contracts to Sierra]
Sie, under her breath: Got a couple of more suckers!
Frodo, who was griping the whole time: Are you listening to me!?
Sie: Oh....yeah......continue.
Frodo: As I was saying......(He goes through long drawn out speech that takes 20 minutes.)
Sie, distracted: Huh? did you say something?
[Both hobbits scream. Next Legolas and Aragorn enter, glance at Maul, who is STILL standing in the middle of the room, and walk to Sierra's desk, while Tiarra still chats away with Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Anakin.]
Sie, holding up hand before Legolas even gets a chance to say anything: Let me guess, you have a complaint.
Leg: Yes! I detest the fact that you made me straight!
Sie, doing a double take: Excuse me!?
Leg, proudly: That's right, I am gay!
[Everybody stops what they're doing and looks at Legolas. All males, especially Aragorn, move away a few feet, except for Maul, who moves a few feet closer.]
Aragorn: Had I known this, I wouldn't have followed you here.
[At this point, Gandalf suddenly appears out of thin air.]
Gandalf: Hey, this doesn't look like the Shire? Where am I?
Sie: Welcome to our office, do you have a complaint or do you need a contract?
Gandalf, baffled: Uh.....
Sie, looks at Lord of the Rings characters: Ok, everyone with a complaint about being gay stand on this side (signals to her right side) All who are complaining about being straight, stand over here (signals to her left) .
[Hobbits move to right, Leg moves to left, while Gandalf and Aragorn remain in the middle, perplexed]
Aragorn: What about us?
Sie: Would you like to be given a complaint or would you rather sit on the couch and wait?
[Both sit on the couch. Story pans back to Tiarra's side of the room while she carries on a conversation with her Star Wars men.]
Tiarra: .....so anyway, have you seen Moulin Rouge? (looks at Obi-Wan) Obi-Wan, why are you still here? I'm through with you; you can leave.
[Obi-Wan gets up, walks over to the door and tries pull it open.]
Obi-Wan, trying to talk above the conversational buzz in the room: I can't get the door open!
[Noise suddenly ceases as Obi-Wan raises his voice.]
Obi-Wan, yelling: I CAN'T GET THE DOOR OPEN!!!!
Ti: All right, you don't have to yell.
[Sie gets up to check the door and finds it locked.]
Sie, to Ti: Ti, did you lock the door by any chance?
Ti, defensively: NO! I didn't lock it! (gets up and tries door) Did you lock it?
Si, worried: No, I didn't.
Obi-Wan, pulling out lightsaber: Let me handle this, ladies; this is a man's job. (Qui-Gon shakes his head.)
[Obi-Wan hacks away at the door which, does not dent. After a while, he's out of breath. Anakin busts out laughing while Sie and Ti roll their eyes]
Sie: Man's work, right. We have lightsaber proof doors.
Ti: Obi-Wan, go sit on the couch!
[Obi-Wan sulks over to the couch while Gandalf steps up and speaks in several tongues, trying to open the door. Still no luck. Gandalf turns and looks at Sie and Ti.]
Sie: We have a magic proof door.
[Everyone looks perplexed.]
Sie: I've had some problems in the past.
[Everyone is more confused.]
Sie: Well, since we're all stuck here together....Lord of the Rings characters, meet Star Wars characters.....Star Wars characters meet Lord of the Rings characters....talk amongst yourselves.
[Sierra goes back to her desk, sits in her chair and plops her feet back on her desk. Meanwhile, Tiarra climbs up on her desk to make an announcement, catching the ear of everyone in the room.]
Tiarra, waving arms: Hey, everybody! Ok, this how it's going to be--
Sie, under breath: Oh, no here we go again!
Tiarra: I want all the Lord of the Ring's characters on Sierra's side of the room, and all Star Wars characters on my side of the room. You will each be assigned an area in the room, and you will stay there! Most importantly, (slightly demonic voice) YOU WILL NOT TOUCH "MY" STUFF!!!
[Everyone gets worried, except for Sierra, who remains undaunted.]
Sie: She does this all the time, just humor her.
Tiarra: Here are the rules--you are not allowed to move from your spot unless I give you permission to. You will do as I tell you.....
[ She babbles on until Aragorn gets tired of her, picks her up and slings her over his shoulder so that he can set her in her "throne".]
Ti, kicking and screaming: I demand you put me down this instance! This is no way to treat a lady! Sierra, help me!
Sie, shaking her head: You brought it upon yourself.
Ti: Obi-Wan, help!!
Obi-Wan, laughing: Oh, now you want my help!! Maybe we should re-think that contract!
[Aragorn ties Ti up and gags her. Sierra high fives Aragorn for work nicely done. Sierra grabs her remote, pushes buttons, and everyone stares in awe as the wall turns to show a huge stereo system.]
Sie: We may be trapped, but we got tunes!!
[Sie gets up and dances with everybody else, as Sam sneaks over to free Tiarra.]
Ti, relieved: Thank you.....uh......hobbit!?
Sam: Anything, love, my name is Sam by the way, You know your the most beautiful person I've ever seen and the most forceful woman.....
Ti, cuts him off: Right, Anakin? (goes in search of Anakin, while Sam follows closely behind. Instead of spotting Anakin, she spots Obi-Wan and goes over to slap him)
Ti, sarcastically to Obi-Wan: Thanks for the help!
Sie, seeing this: I think I'll just stay away from her for a while. (notices a love-struck Frodo looking at her)
Sie, to Frodo: What are you looking at?
Frodo: You know, when you directed the Lord of the Rings spoof, I never noticed how beautiful you were!
Sie: Is that why you tied me up towards the end and directed the rest of the spoof?
Frodo, frowning: But then I never realized how you truly were.
Sie, moves feet off the desk, preparing to get up: Right, I'm just going over here (points in no real direction)
Frodo: I'd give up the ring for you! (At this point, Sie runs with Frodo close behind.) Come back precious!
Sie, looking at Gandalf: Have you been casting love spells again. (Gandalf just laughs.)
[Story pans to Maul and Legolas who have become "quite close".]
Maul: .....don't you think he's cute (referring to Obi-Wan)
Legolas: Yeah, he really is!
Maul: So, where in the heck are you from?
Legolas: Well, I'll lived in Mirkwood for most of my life. I traveled with the hobbits and Aragorn because we have this ring to destroy...
Mau:, interrupting: That's already too much plot to deal with. Care to dance?
[Story pans to whole group. While music plays, Gandalf and Qui-Gon are on the couch talking about various philosophies, Aragorn is dancing alone, Sierra's still running from Frodo, Maul and Legolas are dancing together, Obi-Wan is standing in a corner pouting, and Tiarra is sitting on the couch beside Anakin, scootching closer to him. Anakin falls off the couch, trying to get away from Tiarra, then gets up and scrambles over to Obi-Wan. Sam seizes the opportunity and jumps (literally) onto the couch beside Tiarra, who also scrambles off the couch and runs over to Anakin and Obi-Wan. Things go one like this for a while, until nighttime.]
Night Time
Sleeping Arrangements
[As the music begins to died down, everyone is ready to go to sleep but is afraid to. Gandalf and Qui-Gon are still slouched on the couch, just chilln', Aragorn is asleep in a corner, and Sierra's sitting in her chair, feet, once again, propped on her desk. She has a look of despair, as a hobbit remains clung to her; she has given up trying to run from Frodo. Maul and Legolas are sleeping in the same corner, Obi-Wan is wide-eyed, sitting against the wall, hoping that Maul and Legolas stay asleep, so that perhaps he can get some sleep, Anakin is sprawled out on the other couch, asleep, with Tiarra sitting on the floor beside it, looking miserable with Sam wrapped around her waist.]
Ti, looking at Obi-Wan: Why aren't you asleep.
Obi-Wan: In case you haven't noticed, I'm being stalked by two men!
Sie: But they're asleep.
[Qui-Gon, still awake, laughs at Obi-Wan's predicament.]
Obi-Wan: It's not funny, Master!
Maul, raising his head: Master? Kinky!
[At this, all heads raise. Obi-Wan bangs his head on the wall.]
Legolas: Did someone say "kinky"?
Sie, sighing: This is going to be a long night.
[Tiarra realizes that Sam has finally fallen asleep, and attempts to escape from his grasp Once free, she begins to make another speech.]
Ti: Ok, this is not going to work. Y'all, listen! I'm going to assign sleeping spots!
Obi-Wan, frowning: Did you just say "y'all"? (begins to laugh and make fun of her)
Ti: Obi-Wan, your sleeping by Maul and Legolas!
[Maul and Legolas both come to claim Obi-Wan, who looks like he could cry at the thought.]
Ti: Ok, next, Sam you're sleeping on Sierra's side of the office with her and Frodo.
Sie, glaring at Ti, with sarcasm: Oh, your too kind.
Ti: Aragorn.....(sees he's still asleep) is fine where he is. Gandalf and Qui-Gon.....y'all are fine too. (Obi-Wan snickers.) I guess that leaves... Anakin! (Anakin quickly moves to Sierra's side of the office and hides under the desk.).....Well, alright....you can sleep there.
Anakin, to Sierra: Is it ok if I sleep under here.
Sierra, a bit taken back: Uh.....sure. I feel your pain (looks at Frodo and mumbles to herself) Why can't I find a desk to crawl under?
Tiarra, grabbing her Binky and opening the door to dressing room: I'm sleeping in here.