The Gladiator
By: Ian K.
Rating: PG-13
Category: Comedy/Slap Stick-You have been warned.
Spoilers: Yes-Seasons One through Three.
Disclaimer: I did not create Farscape, the universe of Farscape, or its characters. I merely borrowed them for this story, for which I will receive no monetary compensation. No infringement of copyright intended.
*
"John, this is all your fault!" yelled Aeryn, as they were taken into custody by armed troops.
"Oh come on, Aeryn," said John, as his hands were being restrained. "How was I supposed to know that these guards knew what a tu-tu was?"
"John, I don't know how they heard it, but my translator microbes translated that to mean something about that guard's anatomy," she replied.
"Well, see, its not my fault. Is it my fault that the translator microbes have a defect?"
"The defect is not in the microbes, its in your stupid Earth sayings."
One of the guards growled. "Do you two ever SHUT UP?!" he yelled.
John and Aeryn had traveled down to a planet called Caesaria to get some supplies. When they arrived, they found themselves in a curious society that was a cross between advanced technology and a more primitive image. John compared it to Ancient Rome, only the guards that were dressed like Roman legionnaires carried pulse rifles and were blue.
At one point, John looked at one of the guards who had bent over to pick up something. Apparently, they don't wear underwear, because his blue anatomy was visible to all. Without thinking, John commented to Aeryn about it. "Yo, check out the guy with the short tu-tu."
That's when the guard and his mean looking friends turned around, growled, and arrested them. Aeryn pulled her pulse pistol, but there were twelve of them all armed with rifles. John convinced her that they'd be better off at this point not getting killed.
Now the guards were taking them towards a massive structure in the center of the city. They were looking at the round building surrounded by people who were crowding into it. The guards took John and Aeryn into a small gate towards the rear of the building. They were presented to a Caesarian wearing white robes.
"Excellency," said one of the guards, "these two aliens were taken in the town market. This one, the male, insulted one of your royal guards."
"Wait, look, I can explain..."began John, but he was struck on the head with a rifle.
"Silence!" yelled the guard. "Slaves do not speak unless spoken too."
"Slaves..."began Aeryn with fury, but she too was struck over the head for her impertinence.
"Shall I take them both to the arena, Excellency?" asked the guard.
"The male, yes," said the man in the robes. He approached Aeryn slowly, eyes running up and down her form. "The female, no. I have better plans for her."
This statement brought an instant response from John. "Keep the hell away from her, Brutus!" he yelled, earning a strike across the face from the guard.
"Well, well," said the man in the robes. "So, this male protects this female. Her mate, perhaps. Well, slave, I will give you something to fight for in the arena. It should make things more interesting for the crowd. You will fight several great warriors in the arena with weapons I will have chosen for you. If you defeat them all, I will give you your mate back. If not...well, she sleeps in my bed tonight."
"John, don't do it," said Aeryn. "Its not worth it."
"Like hell it isn't," said John. "No true southerner let's his lady down. I'll fight."
"Good," said the man in the robes. "Guard. Take him to the arena. Meanwhile," he clapped his hand. A female servant approached. "This girl will have you, slave Aeryn, dressed in something more appropriate. We only have an arn before match time."
**
John Crichton was brought into the training room for gladiators at the arena. Crichton stepped into a room where a number of locals and aliens were arming themselves and practicing various moves in preparation for combat. He was brought by a guard to a Caesarian man in brown, leather armor. All of the other gladiators gathered to view the new arrival.
"Well," said the Caesarian. "A new one. A Sebacean. How boring. Well, what is your name?"
"John Crichton, and I'm a Human."
"Even the name is boring," said the Caesarian. "Pick a stage name, something that will be inspiring for the crowd."
John thought for a moment, considering all of the Ancient Rome movies he had seen over the years. Finally, he came up with a name. "Call me....Ben Hur."
One of the other gladiators chuckled. "He calls himself a girl. 'Ben Her.'" Several of the gladiators began laughing.
The Caesarian also began laughing. "Well, its amusing, at least. The crowd will laugh. Get this 'Ben Girl'...."
"That's BEN HUR!" yelled John.
"Right, get him equipped," said the Caesarian.
***
An arn later, John was led with the other gladiators into the arena. They stood by and watched as a previous act was wrapping up. Crichton watched with a weird expression of familiarity as he saw the Sebacean looking man with blond hair, wearing a green shirt and green pair of shorts, and holding a snake looking animal.
"Oh boy," said the man with a distinct accent, "isn't he a beauty. This is the Caesarian Serpent, the deadliest reptile on the planet. His bite could kill you in 10 microts. Watch while I kiss him."
As the man moved his lips in, the serpent snapped at him. "Oh, take it easy, big fella," said the man. "He's very antisocial, but a beauty no less."
The crowd cheered as the man put the reptile back in its container, and ran out of the arena. An announcer over loudspeakers spoke. "That was the Reptile Hunter, making his final appearance at the arena before he goes on tour. Now, a fresh treat for you. A new gladiator fights today for the rights to his Sebacean mate. Behold, his prize if he wins on the balcony of honor."
The crowd turned its attention to a balcony, where the man in the robes stood with Aeryn, the latter dressed in a blue, lace like gown. "Her name is Aeryn," said the announcer, "and she is currently the prize of Sovereign Baruka. However, if this new gladiator can defeat four other gladiators, then he wins the slave girl back, along with their freedom. But if he looses, then our Sovereign will be a very lucky man tonight."
The crowd cheered. "Now," continued the announcer, "its time for the new gladiator to be introduced. He calls himself....he, he....Ben Hur."
The crowd laughed as John Crichton took the field. He was facing four Caesarian gladiators, all armed with sword like weapons. A man ran up to John and gave him his weapon.
When John took the weapon out of his sheath, he stared in surprise. He pulled out a weapon that looked like a frying pan. "You have got to be kidding me," said John.
But within a moment, he was under attack by one of the Caesarians. John blocked his enemy's blows with his frying pan, dodging and running to keep away from the deadly blade. The other three Caesarians did not interfere. "Well, at least they believe in that notion of a fair fight," thought John.
John was caught off guard and pushed to the ground. As the Caesarian moved to strike, John threw sand up into his eyes. His opponent now temporarily blinded, John stood and struck the Caesarian over the head with his frying pan. He knocked his opponent unconscious with the blow, and picked up the fallen man's sword.
The other Caesarians attacked John one by one. But since he was fighting for Aeryn, John did not tire and did not quit. He fought on, and even earned the respect of the crowd. They began cheering "Ben She! Ben She! Ben She!".
"That's BEN HUR!" yelled John at one point. "Argh, why didn't I go with Spartacus?"
Despite the best efforts of the Caesarians, John defeated them all. The crowd cheered as John raised his sword triumphantly.
The announcer comes back on the loudspeaker. "Well, the newcomer wins. But wait, he is not done yet. A final contender enters the field."
John hears a whistle. He turns to see a dark haired Sebacean man, wearing a beat up leather outfit, sitting on a wall. The man begins to speak. "You want out of this arena alive, come see me," the man said in a thick accent.
The announcer spoke again. "Yes, ladies and gentlemen, its Mad Sax!"
The man jumped down from the wall, and pulled out a large broadsword from a sheath attached to his back. "I'm going to run you through, little man," said Mad Sax.
"You may take my life," began John, "but you'll never take MY AERYN!"
John then charged at Mad Sax and engaged him in a swordfight. The two opponents fought viciously, but even Mad Sax's larger sword couldn't beat John's larger determination to win Aeryn back. John knocked Mad Sax unconscious with a blow to the head with the flat end of his sword.
The crowd once again cheered as John raised his sword in triumph. "Ben Hur wins!" yelled the announcer into the loudspeaker. "And his mate will be returned to him."
Several minutes later, Aeryn comes running into the arena and launches herself into John's arms. The two kiss passionately on the field. Aeryn looks into John's eyes.
"John," she said. "You smell like dren."
"Thanks baby," said John. "I've only been fighting for your honor out here."
The couple walked out of the arena past the fallen form of Mad Sax. The defeated foe of John Crichton raised up his head and saw Aeryn glance back at him. Then, in his mind, he heard Aeryn's voice.
"Hmm, I almost wish that Mad Sax would have won. He's pretty cute, and I'd bet he has a very...lethal weapon in those pants."
But that night, Aeryn found herself very satisfied in bed with the man who did win, and his weapon proved to be more than adequate to do the job. But, Aeryn could not understand why John kept moaning "I'm Spartacus".
The End
(Thank the gods)
By: Ian K.
Rating: PG-13
Category: Comedy/Slap Stick-You have been warned.
Spoilers: Yes-Seasons One through Three.
Disclaimer: I did not create Farscape, the universe of Farscape, or its characters. I merely borrowed them for this story, for which I will receive no monetary compensation. No infringement of copyright intended.
*
"John, this is all your fault!" yelled Aeryn, as they were taken into custody by armed troops.
"Oh come on, Aeryn," said John, as his hands were being restrained. "How was I supposed to know that these guards knew what a tu-tu was?"
"John, I don't know how they heard it, but my translator microbes translated that to mean something about that guard's anatomy," she replied.
"Well, see, its not my fault. Is it my fault that the translator microbes have a defect?"
"The defect is not in the microbes, its in your stupid Earth sayings."
One of the guards growled. "Do you two ever SHUT UP?!" he yelled.
John and Aeryn had traveled down to a planet called Caesaria to get some supplies. When they arrived, they found themselves in a curious society that was a cross between advanced technology and a more primitive image. John compared it to Ancient Rome, only the guards that were dressed like Roman legionnaires carried pulse rifles and were blue.
At one point, John looked at one of the guards who had bent over to pick up something. Apparently, they don't wear underwear, because his blue anatomy was visible to all. Without thinking, John commented to Aeryn about it. "Yo, check out the guy with the short tu-tu."
That's when the guard and his mean looking friends turned around, growled, and arrested them. Aeryn pulled her pulse pistol, but there were twelve of them all armed with rifles. John convinced her that they'd be better off at this point not getting killed.
Now the guards were taking them towards a massive structure in the center of the city. They were looking at the round building surrounded by people who were crowding into it. The guards took John and Aeryn into a small gate towards the rear of the building. They were presented to a Caesarian wearing white robes.
"Excellency," said one of the guards, "these two aliens were taken in the town market. This one, the male, insulted one of your royal guards."
"Wait, look, I can explain..."began John, but he was struck on the head with a rifle.
"Silence!" yelled the guard. "Slaves do not speak unless spoken too."
"Slaves..."began Aeryn with fury, but she too was struck over the head for her impertinence.
"Shall I take them both to the arena, Excellency?" asked the guard.
"The male, yes," said the man in the robes. He approached Aeryn slowly, eyes running up and down her form. "The female, no. I have better plans for her."
This statement brought an instant response from John. "Keep the hell away from her, Brutus!" he yelled, earning a strike across the face from the guard.
"Well, well," said the man in the robes. "So, this male protects this female. Her mate, perhaps. Well, slave, I will give you something to fight for in the arena. It should make things more interesting for the crowd. You will fight several great warriors in the arena with weapons I will have chosen for you. If you defeat them all, I will give you your mate back. If not...well, she sleeps in my bed tonight."
"John, don't do it," said Aeryn. "Its not worth it."
"Like hell it isn't," said John. "No true southerner let's his lady down. I'll fight."
"Good," said the man in the robes. "Guard. Take him to the arena. Meanwhile," he clapped his hand. A female servant approached. "This girl will have you, slave Aeryn, dressed in something more appropriate. We only have an arn before match time."
**
John Crichton was brought into the training room for gladiators at the arena. Crichton stepped into a room where a number of locals and aliens were arming themselves and practicing various moves in preparation for combat. He was brought by a guard to a Caesarian man in brown, leather armor. All of the other gladiators gathered to view the new arrival.
"Well," said the Caesarian. "A new one. A Sebacean. How boring. Well, what is your name?"
"John Crichton, and I'm a Human."
"Even the name is boring," said the Caesarian. "Pick a stage name, something that will be inspiring for the crowd."
John thought for a moment, considering all of the Ancient Rome movies he had seen over the years. Finally, he came up with a name. "Call me....Ben Hur."
One of the other gladiators chuckled. "He calls himself a girl. 'Ben Her.'" Several of the gladiators began laughing.
The Caesarian also began laughing. "Well, its amusing, at least. The crowd will laugh. Get this 'Ben Girl'...."
"That's BEN HUR!" yelled John.
"Right, get him equipped," said the Caesarian.
***
An arn later, John was led with the other gladiators into the arena. They stood by and watched as a previous act was wrapping up. Crichton watched with a weird expression of familiarity as he saw the Sebacean looking man with blond hair, wearing a green shirt and green pair of shorts, and holding a snake looking animal.
"Oh boy," said the man with a distinct accent, "isn't he a beauty. This is the Caesarian Serpent, the deadliest reptile on the planet. His bite could kill you in 10 microts. Watch while I kiss him."
As the man moved his lips in, the serpent snapped at him. "Oh, take it easy, big fella," said the man. "He's very antisocial, but a beauty no less."
The crowd cheered as the man put the reptile back in its container, and ran out of the arena. An announcer over loudspeakers spoke. "That was the Reptile Hunter, making his final appearance at the arena before he goes on tour. Now, a fresh treat for you. A new gladiator fights today for the rights to his Sebacean mate. Behold, his prize if he wins on the balcony of honor."
The crowd turned its attention to a balcony, where the man in the robes stood with Aeryn, the latter dressed in a blue, lace like gown. "Her name is Aeryn," said the announcer, "and she is currently the prize of Sovereign Baruka. However, if this new gladiator can defeat four other gladiators, then he wins the slave girl back, along with their freedom. But if he looses, then our Sovereign will be a very lucky man tonight."
The crowd cheered. "Now," continued the announcer, "its time for the new gladiator to be introduced. He calls himself....he, he....Ben Hur."
The crowd laughed as John Crichton took the field. He was facing four Caesarian gladiators, all armed with sword like weapons. A man ran up to John and gave him his weapon.
When John took the weapon out of his sheath, he stared in surprise. He pulled out a weapon that looked like a frying pan. "You have got to be kidding me," said John.
But within a moment, he was under attack by one of the Caesarians. John blocked his enemy's blows with his frying pan, dodging and running to keep away from the deadly blade. The other three Caesarians did not interfere. "Well, at least they believe in that notion of a fair fight," thought John.
John was caught off guard and pushed to the ground. As the Caesarian moved to strike, John threw sand up into his eyes. His opponent now temporarily blinded, John stood and struck the Caesarian over the head with his frying pan. He knocked his opponent unconscious with the blow, and picked up the fallen man's sword.
The other Caesarians attacked John one by one. But since he was fighting for Aeryn, John did not tire and did not quit. He fought on, and even earned the respect of the crowd. They began cheering "Ben She! Ben She! Ben She!".
"That's BEN HUR!" yelled John at one point. "Argh, why didn't I go with Spartacus?"
Despite the best efforts of the Caesarians, John defeated them all. The crowd cheered as John raised his sword triumphantly.
The announcer comes back on the loudspeaker. "Well, the newcomer wins. But wait, he is not done yet. A final contender enters the field."
John hears a whistle. He turns to see a dark haired Sebacean man, wearing a beat up leather outfit, sitting on a wall. The man begins to speak. "You want out of this arena alive, come see me," the man said in a thick accent.
The announcer spoke again. "Yes, ladies and gentlemen, its Mad Sax!"
The man jumped down from the wall, and pulled out a large broadsword from a sheath attached to his back. "I'm going to run you through, little man," said Mad Sax.
"You may take my life," began John, "but you'll never take MY AERYN!"
John then charged at Mad Sax and engaged him in a swordfight. The two opponents fought viciously, but even Mad Sax's larger sword couldn't beat John's larger determination to win Aeryn back. John knocked Mad Sax unconscious with a blow to the head with the flat end of his sword.
The crowd once again cheered as John raised his sword in triumph. "Ben Hur wins!" yelled the announcer into the loudspeaker. "And his mate will be returned to him."
Several minutes later, Aeryn comes running into the arena and launches herself into John's arms. The two kiss passionately on the field. Aeryn looks into John's eyes.
"John," she said. "You smell like dren."
"Thanks baby," said John. "I've only been fighting for your honor out here."
The couple walked out of the arena past the fallen form of Mad Sax. The defeated foe of John Crichton raised up his head and saw Aeryn glance back at him. Then, in his mind, he heard Aeryn's voice.
"Hmm, I almost wish that Mad Sax would have won. He's pretty cute, and I'd bet he has a very...lethal weapon in those pants."
But that night, Aeryn found herself very satisfied in bed with the man who did win, and his weapon proved to be more than adequate to do the job. But, Aeryn could not understand why John kept moaning "I'm Spartacus".
The End
(Thank the gods)