Three Weeks Later: Morning
Shear Insanity
[During the very early morning hours hammering can be heard as the hobbits put together their devious plans. As dawn approaches the hobbits pretend to sleep, as everyone begins to awake. Anakin and Tiarra sit on couch as he tries to convey his true feelings.]
Anakin: ....I've been doing some thinking lately, and I know that I haven't been the nicest person to you lately, but I was confused. After all, it's not everyday that I get stocked by a girl....
Tiarra, impatient: None of that really matters now, does it?
[Tiarra gets up to go talk to Sierra at her desk while Obi-Wan comes over to comfort Anakin's broken heart. Unbeknownst to Sie and Ti, the two hobbits are watching them from a corner; they witness their plan in action as Sierra takes her already propped feet down from her desk triggering a long elaborate trap. As she moved her foot, the string attached to it breaks, releasing a bowling bowl that spirals down to a see-saw looking device, which launches a bag of sand in the air. The bag is caught by a hanging basket above. As the basket is pulled down by the weight, a small sword is released, swinging back and forth until it cuts a rope that releases a cage, which falls on Sie and Ti as they were walking to the middle of the room, watching the trap play out, amazed.]
Sie, in the cage: I'm impressed.
[Everyone now turns their attention to the two trapped writers while manically laughter is heard from the two hobbits.]
Hobbits, gloating: We've got you! We've got our preciousess!!
Sie, in awe of the trap: I'm very impressed.
Ti, to hobbits: I just have one question. Where did you get the cage? (looks at Sie) I don't have a cage.
[At this, all eyes turn to Sie.]
Gandalf: Let me guess, you've had some problems?
Sie, taken back by the looks: I don't have a cage! Honest. I will now, but I didn't before!
[Story pans to Obi-Wan and Anakin talking together on the couch.]
Obi-Wan: You know, now that Tiarra's trapped in a cage, this would be the perfect way to show her how you feel. You should rescue her.....you could be her Jedi Knight in shining...........cloak!
Qui-Gon, with a wild look in his eyes: Oh, now you two become buddy-buddy! After you've tried consistently to kill each other, all of a sudden NOW you're friends! (now going crazy, grabs a bit of his hair)....Do you see this? This is gray hair, and it's because of YOU! Both of you!
Obi-Wan, stammering: But, but Master!
Qui-Gon: Don't you "but Master" me! (points to Anakin) And you! You wouldn't even be here if it weren't for me! You'd still be on that planet of yours!
[Anakin and Obi-Wan are completely speechless. Qui-Gon grabs his lightsaber, threatening to kill the two. He chases Anakin and Obi-Wan around the room as another internal battle begins with Aragorn.]
Obi-Wan: He's gone bloody mad!!!!
Sie: That's the most interesting thing I've seen Qui-Gon do in a while. (to the hobbits) Now that you've caught us, what are you going to do with us?
[Both hobbits look at one another and turn back to face Sie and Ti.]
Frodo: We didn't think about that.
[Sie bangs her head on bars; Tiarra sits in the corner of the cage. Qui-Gon continues to chase Obi-Wan and Anakin around until Yoda and Mace pop up out of nowhere.]
Yoda, to Qui-Gon: All this, I have seen, to an asylum, you shall go!
Gandalf: Why does he talk backwards?
Mace, grabbing Qui-Gon: Come on, Qui-Gon.
Qui-Gon, points to Obi-Wan and Anakin: It's all their fault. They drove me crazy!
Mace, looking at Obi-Wan and Anakin: I don't doubt it, but still....murder is a bit extreme, don't you think?
[Mace finally drags Qui-Gon off as Yoda follows.]
Ti: I hope they take him to a happy place.
Sie: Come back soon!
[Next, Susan enters.]
Susan: I've changed my mind, I've come back for Legalos.....(sees cage)....um...why are you in a cage?
Sie, with extreme sarcasm: Because it's a nice change of pace from the desk. (bangs head on bars)
Ti: Don't ask.
[Legolas sees Susan, runs, and leaps into her arms.]
Legolas, happily: I've found my calling!! (They exit.)
Obi-Wan, to Anakin: Now that Qui-Gon's gone, you can go get your girl!
Anakin, to Sam: Look, I know you like Tiarra, but seriously.......
Sam: She mine, you can't have her!
Anakin, getting mad: She doesn't want you! She wants me!
Tiarra, from the cage: There's a simple solution.....you can fight for me!
Sie, confused: That's a simple solution?
Tiarra, to Sie: There's no way that Anakin can lose, so not only will I get out of this cage....I'll get him, too. (smiles deviously)
[Anakin and Sam face off. Anakin strips his cloak off in traditional Jedi fashion as Sam stands there smiling confidently. Anakin draws his lightsaber; Sam remains there, unarmed. Anakin takes a swing right over Sam's head, missing completely, miscalculating the hobbit's height.]
Obi-Wan, slowly: Must..... swing...... lower.
[Sam jumps up for a kick just as the camera pauses and spins 360 degrees, Matrix style, kicking Anakin in the chest. Anakin falls over and jumps back up, surprised.]
Anakin, acting as if the hit never happened: I'm ok!.....Bring it on hobbit! Hit me with your best shot!
[Sam brings his fist back, jumps, let's a rip and pops Anakin right in the jaw.]
Anakin: OW!!!
Obi-Wan, flinching: Oooo! That's going to sting tomorrow.
[From the cage Tiarra shakes her head while Sie remains on the verge of laughing. Back in the fight, Anakin swings his lightsaber low, as if to cut the hobbit in half. Sam jumps up, missing the blade by a foot and spin kicks Anakin in the face.]
Anakin: That's not fair! Why am I getting my ass kicked?
Sie, under her breath: Because you suck at fighting...
Sam: Because the power of the Force does not compare to the power of a hobbit!
Anakin: Obi-Wan, help me!
Obi-Wan: Fight your own battles.
[Frodo, trying to help out, tosses something black, which suspiciously looks like Sie's underwear, to Sam, who catches it, loads it with Tiarra's porcelain teddy bear, launches it and hits Anakin right in the nose. ]
Anakin: My nose! (faints at the sight of blood)
Ti, anxious: Anakin, get up!
Obi-Wan: Weakling!
Sie, to Obi-Wan: Right Obi-Wan, reminds me of somebody I know.
Frodo, holding Sam's arm up in the air: And the champ is Sam!!!
Gandalf, proudly: I trained them well.
[Tiarra shakes her head. Sam tosses the Sierra's underwear back to Frodo.]
Sierra: My underwear was not made to be used that way.
Maul, who had been watching the fight: That is the most messed up thing I've ever seen.
Aragorn: We only have one thing to say...never underestimate a hobbit......(different tone, to self) You did once....(normal tone) Shut-up!
[At this point Obi-Wan has revived the beaten Anakin.]
Obi-Wan: I can't believe this! A six foot tall Jedi got beat by a three foot tall hobbit! Have I taught you nothing!?
Anakin, hand over bruise: No lectures, please!
Sam: I will now claim my prize!
Tiarra: Great.
Sierra, snickering: Can't say that plan worked out exactly like you wanted it!
[Sam opens the cage, let's Tiarra out and clings close to her.]
Sierra: I wish someone would fight over me and get me out of this cage. (looks at Obi-Wan) Obi-Wan, fight for me.....maybe you could actually win.
Anakin: Shut-up!
Obi-Wan, walking over to cage: Maybe we should re-negotiate that contract.
Sierra: Like Hell I will! (She tries to choke Obi-Wan through the bars, but he easily moves back).
[Sierra looks over at Gandalf with her head leaned up against the bars.]
Sie, grinning evilly: Gandalf, you owe me a favor!
[Gandalf nods and from out of no where, two scantly dressed female hobbits appear.]
Sie, raising an eyebrow: Hooker hobbits?
Gandalf: It's the best I could do on such short notice.
[With a glance at the two female hobbits, Sam and Frodo's jaws drop, eyes widen, and tongues hang out, and they both run over to them. The four hobbits exit, and Gandalf makes the cage disappear. Tiarra runs over and kisses Anakin, who swings her around.]
Obi-Wan: I love happy endings!
Sie, going over to desk and propping feet up: This is too sappy for my taste. (to Gandalf) Thanks for the favors.
Gandalf: I guess I'll be going now.
Sie, slightly shocked: You could leave anytime, and you stayed?
Gandalf, shrugs: It was interesting. (Poof, he's gone!)
Aragorn, looks to Sie: I'll just let ourselves out. (He exits in some form or fashion unknown to the rest.)
Sie: I wish I knew how they did that.
Maul, finally spotting ship: My ship!!! I can't believe it! I'll be going now. Later! (hops aboard and takes off)]
Obi-Wan: Well, that was random.
Sie, to Obi-Wan: We, meaning me, you, Tiarra, and Anakin, are still trapped in this room together, and it's all your fault.
Obi-Wan: I get blamed for everything!
[Obi-Wan bangs his head on the door, and the door opens. Everyone is shocked as they stare, amazed!]
Ti: Well, what do you know, you had to push it, not pull.
Obi-Wan: It's been fun! (quickly runs out)
Sie: You'd almost think he wanted to get out! (notices Tiarra and Anakin quite close on the couch) Ok...off to the closet with you two!
[They go off to Tiarra's dressing room together. What they do is up to your imagination, as long as it's in a PG-13 fashion.]
Sie: Just another typical day in the office......next!
The End.
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