Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Zelda Style!
Obligatory Disclaimer: Alright, it's pretty obvious that I do not own Whose Line Is It Anyway? Or Zelda. No money was made off of this. This is strictly fan fiction.
Author's Comments: Just like the show it was inspired by, that's all I can really say. I rated it PG-13 to be safe. Nothing here was aimed to offend anyone purposefully, however, I will apologize in advance for those that may be. Of course, OOC is evident but this is strictly humor guys. ;)
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Nabooru: Welcome to Whose Line Is it Anyway? ! On tonight's show we have: Link, the Hero of Time Magazine! Zelda, the Princess of Destiny's Child! The Artist formerly known as Prince of Darkness, Ganondorf Dragmire! And Malon, the true caretaker of Lon Lon Ranch Dressing, Fat Free! Hey, I'm your host Nabooru. Come on down, let's have some fun!
Audience: (consisting of a mix of members from all races of Hyrule, cheer and clap as Nabooru makes her way down to her seat near the contestants as the title screen flashes; when it's all over, they quiet down)
Nabooru: (holding her cards) Oh, hello! Thank you very much! Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the show where everything is made up and the points don't matter, just like the second person you ever sleep with.
Audience: (laugh, laugh)
Nabooru: But anyway… Let's get things started! (reads her cards) Alright, our first game is called Remote Control, and this is for all of the contestants! Before we start, let's get a suggestion of an animal from the audience!
Audience: (yell out their suggestions) Dodongo! Cow! Fish! Horse! Cuckoo! Skulltulla!
Nabooru: Hm. Cuckoo. Let's go with that. (scribbles some things on her card with a pencil) So this is what's going to happen: I'm going to pretend I am watching television. And the performers are going to be a channel or television program. Link, you are the Jerry Springer Show. Ganondorf, you are Dragonball---any version you want. Zelda, you are going to be a TV Evangelist. And Malon, you're the Game Show Network. All of you are going to be talking about the same thing: Cuckoos! So, take it away Ganondorf!
Ganondorf: (steps up after thinking about his skit; he assumes a 'charging stance') KAME….HAME….HA!!!!!!! (pretends to lay an egg and catches it; then he throws the imaginary egg to his equally imaginary opponent in the distance like a ball of energy)
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) Link.
Link: (pretends he is sitting on a guest's chair and glares at an imaginary guest at his side) So you think it's okay to go out there and get laid, is that what you're saying!?!? (somehow, someway, he simulates the obligatory Jerry Springer Show fight scene, complete with clucks and beeps in the places of curses)
Audience and Other Contestants: (laugh!!)
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) Zelda!
Zelda: (pretends to be holding a Cuckoo as she assumes a drawl that can only be linked to that of a real Tele-evangelist's) Now listen here Cuckoo, this is a Cuckoo stricken from being able to fly. I am going to heal you, Cuckoo, and you are going to be able to fly! But you have to fly by faith, child. (she smiles and taps the Cuckoo on the forehead; then she simulates a Cuckoo, as best she can, closing its eyes and falling backwards as if it were healed)
Nabooru: (laughs!) Hah! (BUZZ!) Malon.
Malon: (pretends to be reading a card held in her hand) Oh I'm sorry… You didn't answer that in the cluck of a question.
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) Zelda.
Zelda: Open your books to Cuckoomiah, chapter two, verse three… "And the Lord said to the Cuckoos of Israel… 'Thou hast befowled the earth'…"
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) Link!
Link: (speaks with a lisp and snaps his fingers in a line) Jerry! I've been plucking that Cuckoo for two years! And my wife didn't even know about it!
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) Malon!
Malon: (pretends to spin a giant wheel) Wheel! Of! Poultry!
Nabooru: (giggles!) Cute! (BUZZ!) Ganondorf!
Ganondorf: (feminine voice) Oh no! Majin Cuckoo has destroyed the earth! (male voice) Have no fear! I'll wish everything back with Cuckoo Balls! ….Again!
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) Link!
Link: And now, for my final thoughts… (begins to cluck like a Cuckoo)
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) Malon!
Malon: Oh I'm sorry… The answer was Cluck Gobble. Cluck Gobble, Gone with Farore's Wind. Ms. Pheasant, you're still in control of the board…
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) Zelda!
Zelda: (pretends to cry) Please, send your money now! Help---
Nabooru: …! HAHA! (BUZZ!)
Zelda: (continues on)---these poor Cuckoos! I need---I mean, they need---
Nabooru: (still laughing) … (BUZZ!)
Zelda: --your financial support! Call the number on your screen! And may the Lord bless you!
Audience: (cheers!!)
Nabooru: (wipes away a tear after she recovers from her fits of laughter) Oh, you guys are great…
Ganondorf: You should see me in bed! (wiggles his eyebrows)
Nabooru: …No I shouldn't.
Ganondorf: Not what you said last night…
Link: (feigns mock surprise and hurt) Ganondorf Marie Dragmire! How could you!?
Malon: (also feigns the same look as Link as she looks to Nabooru) Nabooru! Is that true!? But what about the times we had in Termina…!?
Zelda: (to Malon) You hussy! She's mine!!!
Audience: (laughs!)
Nabooru: (few seconds away from bursting into laughter) That wasn't a segment of the show!
Contestants: (stop their joke and grin) We know.
Nabooru: Continuing on… (reads her cards) Next game is Questions Only. And it's for all of the contestants. As you know, you can only speak in questions. And if you screw up, I'll lock you in a room with Mido.
Link: (looks horrified)
Nabooru: (smirk) Ju~st kidding.
Link: (relieved)
Nabooru: (snicker) If you mess up, I'll buzz you in. Winner of this gets an all expense paid trip to the Kiki Monkey[1] Crap shop---in other words, it doesn't matter who wins. The scene is Camping in the Lost Woods. Let's start off with Ganondorf and Malon.
Ganondorf: (sits and pretends he is starting a fire by rubbing two sticks together)
Malon: What are you doing?
Ganondorf: What does it look like I am doing?
Malon: Is that a fire I see?
Ganondorf: No sh---(hears the BUZZ and steps back, being replaced by Zelda)
Zelda: Did you get it yet?
Malon: Get what?
Zelda: Didn't I ask you to get the Deku Stick?
Malon: You didn'---(laughs and is BUZZED in)
Link: (steps up to replace Malon) Did someone call for Deku Sticks?
Zelda: Do you have a Deku Stick?
Link: Sure do! Right in my pants!
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) LINK!!! (laughs!)
Ganondorf: (replaces Link; and speaks with a lisp) Can someone PLEASE start this INFERNO?
Zelda: Are you gay?
Ganondorf: (hand on his hip) And if I am?
Zelda: …! (starts laughing and is replaced by Link after the BUZZ)
Ganondorf: (pretends to look at Link with great interest) And who are you?
Link: Are you gay?
Ganondorf: Do you want me to be?
Link: What if I said yes?
Ganondorf: Then I… crap. (after the BUZZ, he laughs and is replaced by Malon)
Malon: (steps up to the "camp scene" and pretends to look for something)
Link: What are you looking for?
Malon: Have you seen my tent?
Link: What color is it?
Malon: Do you think it's lost forever?
Link: Who knows?
Malon: (shrugs) Want to have hot and wild sex?
Link: Why not?
Nabooru: (BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!)
Audience: (cheers and laughter!)
Nabooru: Alright. Next game is…! (someone throws her a big hat and she catches it, grinning) Scenes from a Hat!
Audience: YEAH!!!!
Nabooru: In this hat are strips of paper. Before the show, we asked the audience to write down different scenes they'd like to see acted out by the performers. And we take the best ones, and we put 'em in this hat. And I'm gonna read them out, see how many the performers can act out. Let's start off with… (reads a paper) Horrible Advertisements for Hyrule.
Link: (shows off his boots) New! Kokiri Boots! They'll fit up your ass!
Ganondorf: Pantyliners! …For Gorons!
Nabooru: (laughing) That's disgusting! (BUZZ!) What Lon Lon cows think when they're being milked.
Malon: Ugh. Man… I can't believe they're gonna drink that crap…
Zelda: I wonder if they know that's really urine…?
Link: (closes his eyes and feigns the sounds of a man being thoroughly pleasured) Oh… Oh yeah… That's it baby… No, slower…
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) Things to NOT do after a heavy drinking session.
Zelda: (pretends to warm up) Yep, I'm just gonna climb up ol' Death Mountain here…
Ganondorf: Don't worry, Princess! I'm the best chauffer in Hyrule!
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) Worst person to sleep with.
Zelda: (bored and unenthusiastically) Oh yeah baby, that's the best sex I ever had. No, really, you were the greatest…
Malon: (mimics Navi) HEY! LISTEN!!
Ganondorf: I hope you didn't mind me screaming out my own name.
Link: No, you were thinking of my brother Pinocchio. Only his nose grows longer…
Nabooru: HAHA! (BUZZ!) Bad notes to find attached to a Bombchu.
Malon: (pretends to read said note) "What to do if your Bombchu starts coming towards you…"
Nabooru: (BUZZ!) Worst thing you can hear when you defeat the "Boss"!
Link: Hm… (puffs up his hat like that of Toad from Super Mario Bros. And makes his voice high pitched) We're sorry but the Princess is in another castle!
Nabooru: (BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!)
Audience and other contestants: (uproarious laughter!!)
Link: (big ol' triumphant grin)
Nabooru: Whoo… (wipes more tears of laughter) Alright guys, on to the last segment of the show. It's the Irish Drinking Song! And who better than to grace us with the music for it than the Sage of the Shadow herself, Impa!
Impa: (takes her seat at a piano)
Nabooru: The Irish Drinking Song's gonna be about Lon Lon Ranch! Take it away guys!
Contestants: (snap their fingers and line up, moving to the music being played by Impa) Ohhhhhhh…! Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!
Ganondorf: In the
center of Hyrule field,
Zelda: There is a neat ol' ranch.
Malon: The cows there produce Lon Lon Milk,
Link: It really makes you blanch!
Ganondorf: It's run by Malon's father,
Zelda: And that Ingo, what a guy!
Malon: He thinks he does all the work,
Link: Sometimes I wish he'd die!
Contestants: (although Malon is giggling some as she sings) Ohhh… Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh… Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!
Link: I've
been there many times,
Malon: And it's really swell!
Ganondorf: And the corral is pretty nice,
Zelda: But the stables sure do smell!
Link: There are horses and ponies there,
Malon: And they're all so very cute.
Ganondorf: But Ingo treats them very bad,
Zelda: I think he is a fruit! (shrugs and giggles)
Contestants: (almost all of them are laughing at Zelda's improvisation, along with the audience and Nabooru) Ohhh Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!
Ganondorf: The
ranch life can be busy,
Zelda: There's many things to do!
Malon: Like stacking hay and milking cows,
Link: (shrugs) I like to slash Cuckoos!
Audience and Nabooru: (laugh!!!!)
Ganondorf: I want to live there someday,
Zelda: And raise a family.
Malon: But life can get so boring,
Link: (big ol' grin) So I'll throw an orgy!
Contestants: (barely audible because of their own snickers and chuckles) Ohhh Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh Dai…di….dai…di…daiiiiii!
(By now, Nabooru is on the floor, dying of laughter)
* * *
Finis
[1] – Kiki is the little Monkey, from A Link to the Past, that follows Link around in the dark world and asks him for rupees in exchange for his help. 100 Rupees just to open a door? Ugh…
A/N: Anyway, I know this is not as funny as the real thing, but it was not serious enough to be labeled as a "General" fic. Oh, and I prefer the Irish Drinking Song over the Hoedown anyday; to get the real feel of it, the only thing I can recommend is listening to it on the show. ;) Please review---er, if you want.